Just be

Month: August 2018

Forever revolves around YOU

FOMO and decidophobia describe me. Now, that I think of my worst qualities…how they ask that in interviews-those are my absolute worst qualities.

“We walked to dinner, ate together, and talked nearly the whole time. I was amazed that I had as much in common with her as I did. I’d been raised mostly in a completely different country, yet we were so similar.”
― J.M. Richards

This could not be more true especially with the people I have come across so far in Japan.

Tom taught me about FOMO. Fear of Missing Out. The fear of missing out held me down my entire life. You know, the fear of missing out on…births, birthdays, holidays, celebrations, tragedies, memories, children growing up, but most of all missing out on TIME. Likely, time with you-the person reading this. Time passes too fast and time is the only thing that never stops. The thought of having a defined amount of time with people who I care about scares me deep down to the core. You could tell me I have 1 year left with my parents or 45 years. There is no differentiation in the way it makes me feel thinking about having 365 days with people I love or 16,425 days with them. If I could see the future, I wouldn’t. I worry about it so much though, you would think I already know what is to come. I hate to leave because there may not be a defined amount of time I have with the people I love…but there is a limit to the amount of time each of us has. How can something that NEVER stops [time] be LIMITED?! That cannot and should not be…but that’s life and that’s the danger in FOMO. It sucks you in and traps you. My biggest anxieties revolve around these thoughts. It’s not just because I’m in a different country. These are anxieties that I have every single day-no matter where I am in the world. I guess to me FOMO means-I have to live my LIFE while others [lives] will go on without me, as they should. But, I should too. I don’t have my own family (I have MY family)…so I feel like I miss out on home. But when I leave-it’s just me leaving so everybody who stays is with their families and grounded lives. They continue to function and they don’t have that feeling of “fear of missing out” because they remain in their constant, routine life. Maybe you do have the FOMO, but I don’t feel like anybody has the fear of missing out with me-and I have the fear of missing out with so many people…especially the children that are growing so much each day…

One of my favorite lyrics from the Insane Clown Posse….

“Enjoy youth, cause that you don’t get back! Forever revolves around you. That’s your time, I’m living in mine too
How much positivity are you blind to? You only live once I’ll remind you!”

– This song is called FOREVER. If you get a chance, listen to it. This was the first time I felt like it was expected that each person be selfish, because this is our only life. It’s your time and I’m living in mine too. That hits home for me. Forever-ICP

Decidophobia-the fear of making decisions. Also me. I’m scared to make decisions because I think about what could happen either way. The amount of situations my brain goes through- makes some decisions not worth making.

My dad taught me that if I don’t make the decision, it will be made for me.

From tiny decisions to the biggest of decisions. I’ve always preferred that the choice is made for me. However, that is one thing I hope to be changing. Now when I want to say no, I say no. Which I wish people here would do too. I hate the thought of people doing something they don’t want to-even though I did that for too long. The biggest decisions are the hardest. Those decisions I usually think about what I want to do-and do the opposite. Prime Example…When people say pick a hand…I will point to the right and and before seeing what is in it I will say I want the left hand. Or Visa-versa. Heads or tails-I might pick tails and then I do what Heads was for. Some might say its a quark of mine. I’m indecisive and I’m scared of making the wrong decision. Every single day I have these fears. Do you? Apparently, not all humans get these fears/yucky feelings. Some people make it through the day without worrying, overthinking, or contemplating every choice that they make.

If you are one of those people who walks confidently in the direction of your dreams…be kind. Some people have to find the courage to get out of bed each day or the strength to make it through the day. I don’t struggle to get out of bed…I struggle to go to bed. I don’t need strength to walk out the door-I needed strength to get here.

Now-I plan on making my own decisions and instead of missing out on your life…living my own life. I want to be happy with 1 day at a time instead of worrying about the next 365. Of course, that is easier said than done. Everything in my daily life is easier said than done. Japan was not an option for me. It was pivotal step for me to grow and it was the easiest decision I have ever made. “They say” the right choice and the easy choice are not often the same…in this case “they” were wrong.

If I could rewind life-like a tape (Little Eminem knowledge) …I would have started exploring the world much earlier. The world is HUGE and I have barely seen any of it…yet I’m overwhelmed with new experiences/people/norms each day! I’m thankful to be right where I am. I probably wasn’t ready for a journey like this until now.

People do not show emotion here. I am a walking/talking basket of every emotion. I show emotion. I’ve cried several times. People do not say anything-I think they are unsure of how to react when seeing someone crying.

Sometimes people stare at me. Sometimes I stare at people. I observe more than I DO so that I can see how things are done. I hear the less you talk, the better. But when I cannot understand the language that especially seems true.

Before I came to Japan I was told a few things. . .

People will touch you-and your hair. I have had less human contact in the past three and a half weeks than ever in my life.

People will stare-mostly the children stare at me. At home when I smile a children they smile back…I smile at everybody here and I find it special when people smile back-like we are made of the same cloth.

My newest and most favorite thing is ONOMATOPOEIAS!! In Japan, dogs say wan-wan…cats say nyaa-nyaa and when you are nervous (good like butterflies or bad like moths in your belly) it is doki doki!!!!!!

Japanese culture is work oriented-100X YES. I cannot believe the amount of time that the people here put into their jobs. That’s why I smile at EVERYBODY…because people have such LONG days…I want them to see one reason to smile (even if it is a foreigner that has no idea what she is doing or where she is going).

It makes me sad that people work so much. Fear of missing out is kind of related to the fear of being replaced. Everybody is replaceable (I don’t think so) but in the work place…if somebody leaves, they will be replaced. I hate that people spend their life working so hard that they lose their sparkle. If work makes you happy-GREAT but if you work because as adults we have to…you have to limit it. Work has to be limited because our TIME is limited.

I have not seen/heard much talk of mental health. It’s a pretty down low thing here. In the USA we are behind times with mental health…but as a teacher in the US, I talk to my students about their hearts, feelings, minds and how to keep themselves happy and healthy and what to do if they are not. I tell my students at home that I love them! Those children become apart of me-they change my heart and they need to know that. I don’t think that would be acceptable here (yet).

It takes generations to make big changes-but mental and emotional health is a change I will always be passionate about. Nobody wants/chooses to be effected by mental/emotional issues…Life is just hard. I hope to be a person here that people can be open and comfortable with. Comfortable enough to share emotions that they have never had the chance to identify or put into words. Without people to love and support me, I cannot imagine living a happy and healthy life. The United States is behind in my opinion…however, we rank number 38th out of 177 countries for our suicide rate.YIKES. It has impacted my life in indescribable ways and the loss of these people/children to suicide is the most heart shattering event. Japan ranks 18th on this list. Japan has one of the highest rates for suicide. It is the leading cause of death in people under 30. Most of the lives I touch here will be people under 30…this is why every single interaction with people is important…it could be life altering, for the better. People are special, especially children.

Children are not all given the same opportunities but I hope to help every child I interact with find their own special sparkle. Adults too, because sometimes we lose our happy wandering down the road of life.

I hope that I remind every person I come in contact with that they ARE ENOUGH. Life is hard enough without the pressure. Be kind to people.

My dad comes tomorrow. He helps me find my sparkle. I hope I remind him of his too. Missing my people, as usual but finding myself in the mist of missing you. I can’t wait to show my dad the wooded area, wild cats, the most wild kmart/ross/walmart like store and see how shy he gets when people talk to us and we both have no idea what they are saying. I’m looking forward to the adventures we will have. My dad will probably end up showing me around Japan-even though I’m the one that lives here. Maybe I can let him ride on the back of my bicycle. Hah.

I have about 2 hours until my first typhoon. I was out riding my bike and the wind about blew me off. 🙂 I was laughing as I rode thinking [great here comes fall number 2, good thing my bike insurance started yesterday]!! Most days I am riding along laughing and if not laughing, smiling. I had lost that and it is something I am so happy to have found again.

A few quick learnings/things I want to tell you!!!!

The toilet paper holders here are GENIUS, we are behind the times with toilet paper holders. Pretty much the whole bathroom experience from the “privacy sound” effects to the spray and wash is oddly amazing.

Kids play/laugh/cry and throw fits the same-everywhere in the world (I know, you knew that) but I’ve come to appreciate that.

I have a doorbell/speaker phone really at my apartment, like HAPPY GILMORE…

When you buy something-you bag it yourself at MOST stores. If it is bagged for you, the bag is tapped closed. Prevents theft. Wow.

You buy refills here instead of new plastic containers. (detergents, shampoos…)

You must carry 1+ towels with you when you leave out the door. Every part of your body will sweat and you will shower 1+ times a day. Once a month laundry is no longer a choice for me…it is more like daily (due to a far less amount of clothing here with me and far more amounts of stinky sweat). At home I could probably do laundry once every six months because I have too many clothes that I never wear. Here, I wear multiple outfits a day.

When you use a public bathroom, you can use one of your towels to dry your hands-no paper towels.

Bike parking-2 hours free is one of life’s little gifts.

I saw a building that said CHAMPION and I was so excited. I’ve seen some champion sweatshirts for sale here that I’m sure I still own back home. I rode my bike to this giant [champion] building. It was a place to play Pachinko (casino). Hah. Yet again, I rode away laughing out loud.

Clothing gear that is the freshest- Fila, Champion, Lee. Self explanatory. Oh, also OVERALLS which I don’t think ever went out of style. Obviously, because I never stopped wearing them 🙂

Hope this finds you happy and healthy and SPARKLING bright. Life is hard. Share it with people who make you feel good and it becomes easier. Find the magic in the people you choose.

illie

August 23, 2018
I look for You in a Strangers Smile

I’ve talked to the stars since I can remember… about my life, hopes, dreams, family and friends. I am still doing this.

Each day I am on an adventure. I still cannot believe that. I’ve spent many extra hours sleeping this week and I hate to do it when there is this new world below my feet (but I must need it).

I’ve had many adventures. I have to start keeping a memo pad so that I can remember everything I want to tell you! (notes/letters are called memos here)

I have since taken my FIRST train ride, EVER. My friend took me to Kobe by train, where I gave in and bought a camera (instead of a sewing machine). You might not know this…but I am using an Iphone 4 to communicate and it is about on its last leg. Did you know people still had Iphone 4s?! I need to invest in a newer form of communication next. In Kobe we spent the day walking around, seeing magnificent views, shops and best of all I had the company of a wonderful friend. You can tell I am a foreigner on the train because I am the only person that has to hold on! 🙂 Kei also took me to explore a seashell museum and that is where I had my first sighting of the ocean (which is mostly called the sea here). This person has been the best guide, showing me new places and exploring things for the first time herself. We have laughed together, prayed together and explored.

After this adventure I spent a day at a coffee shop in the mall. I spent hours writing letters and addressing envelopes. Check your mail 🙂 I’m still walking/riding to get lost until I am confidently finding my way around. I’m getting better. I’ve got a map that I mark where I am and where I’ve been.

A wonderful friend has taken me out to eat squid legs, raw fish and lots of other very new foods [FOR ME]. Noriko has also taken me to see my first movie here in Japan and ordered me my first beer! Thank you for being such an incredible human, Beautiful Angel 🙂

Yuko is a beautiful woman that lives here in Japan. She has shown me around the mall, come over to my home and invited me into hers. I got to have dinner with Yuko and talk for hours with her. She has so much personality and is warm like a ray of sunshine. She is the most talented, kind, genuine person with a heart big enough for each person she meets.

I’ve seen the ocean TWICE and touched it once. It was the warmest water I have ever felt. The ocean is just as refreshing for the soul as I remember. Sachiko told me she finds comfort in the ocean because it is the only body that connects all of us. I’m pretty sure she is my soul sister. I never know how people take when I tell them that…because being my soul sister might be kind of scary 🙂 My friends are at the ocean in the states right now…and this water connects us. That is kind of a magical thought. Sachiko too, is the kind of person you want to be around and she is always making me laugh. Pretty special person-with plenty of sparkle to spread.

I have to stop going to see my friend at the pet store. He has been there since I arrived in Japan. I would be his mom in a heart beat-but I cannot have pets here…and I have my Sawyer back home.

It makes me too happysad to see this pup at the store day in and day out. As a child I would go into the pet store and look at all the animals. I would stop in front of them and promise them that they would find a happy and loving home. I promised this little guy he would find a home.

(UPDATE: Because this blog has taken me about a week to write….I went back 4 days later, today, and HE HAS FOUND A HOME)! More HAPPPPPPPPPYlittlebitsad

The other night when I went to dinner a family got up and moved after I arrived…which made me think it was because of me.The other day as I sat at the mall watching people walk by…I felt this overwhelming sadness/loneliness. A person was going to sit by me…but a seat opened up and he choose to move to that seat. As I sat at the mall watching people walk by…I existed in a world where nobody knew me, loved me, and life at that moment would be the same for those people with or without me. I felt like that puppy at the pet store. Maybe that’s why I cannot stop visiting him and why it makes me so happy sad. When I am still watching people and life move…that is the only time I feel lonely. Not when I lay in bed tossing and turning, or eat meals alone…Some people find peace in being still, but that is where I find loneliness.

I know, I am enough so I can allow myself to feel these brutal feelings because right now I am finding my place in a new world. I can be whoever I want here…but I choose me.

This bowling pin!!! I had to add it. At home there use you be this Shilo Inn sign right off of the second ave freeway exit. You could see it on the freeway from a ways back. That sign was how I knew I was almost home. It was my landmark since I was little. This is my landmark here. Once I’ve got eyes on this-I know I am almost home!! It’s my first and favorite landmark so far 🙂

I’ve found the ocean…my next adventure will be to the mountains…or maybe Osaka? I guess the adventure is not knowing what my next step will be.

Think about you all everyday. I made a wish/prayer at a Shrine for the first time. You write down your wish/prayer and hang it up. I love this and I think I will do it often. Be filled with happiness and health.

illie

August 17, 2018
20 Seconds of Insane Courage

“You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, just literally 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you something great will come of it.”

― Benjamin Mee

I believe in this with all my heart. I have experienced it, seen it and remind myself of this each day.

My first week of work has come to an end. The past five working days I had “English Workshop”. This is when junior high students come to learn/practice English. There were 6 or so ALT’s and we each had a group of 4-6 students.

These children were able to communicate using English and make huge progress in only five days! The bravery and courage these students showed was inspiring. I could have only dreamed of being that brave, that young.

These students are learning a new language. I am trying to do the same. They were able to get up, give speeches, laugh, learn new words, and continue to try even when it was incredibly challenging. At this point in my life I am able to say words and feel silly and embarrassed without giving up…but at their age I wouldn’t have even tried. I am blown away by this. Insane courage.

I have been befriended by wonderful people. People that are helping me grow and learn about myself and Japanese culture. Thelma is my friend I ran into at the store-who showed me how to get to the mall. She and her husband live here in Japan and have been accepting of me and willing to show me some new things such as my first public bath.

This was such an experience…I really cannot find the words to explain it-but I will try. Thelma’s husband, Satoru took me (before we went in he checked to see if tattoos were okay). On the way there he explained a few manners and do and do not do’s. I called Thelma beforehand as well because I was nervous as ever. She explained to me what it would be like…but even listening I still didn’t understand. At home we have NOTHING like this…maybe a public pool…?

Anyways. It is exactly what it’s called. A public bath. A place where people go and bathe. My best night of sleep was to follow. It is a cultural experience. I was so nervous…now I am thinking about what it might be like to take a foreigner, with tattoos, to an honorary place. I wonder who actually had the insane courage here…me or Satoru. Such accepting people who are willing to introduce me to things I never thought I would do.

Another friend came and spent a day with me…teaching me some phrases, helping me with the buses and just talking to me. She’s got a special place in my heart…She took me on my first bus ride here-WOOOHOOO! We are going to go on some more adventures soon-she’s a great guide with the most genuine heart.

I have another friend here who I can call when I just want to talk or have a funny story to tell. Beautiful Angel I call her 🙂 She reminds me of my best friend-and I think she will be one of my greatest life long friends.

I am still walking around with a smile on my face. I love the feeling of seeing/experiencing things for the first time. Every single day I am doing things for the first time…like a child growing up. I am trying new foods, hearing new words, learning a new language and learning what is right and wrong.

I found a little wooded area near me. It’s more like a wild jungle. It reminds me of my brothers. We use to play in the woods at our elementary school. They would LOVE these woods. The tree branches twist and turn, the roots have broken the ground and the stumps are huge. The bugs buzz loud, the dragon flies fly thick and the feral cats walk through these woods like it is their own jungle and they are lions/tigers.

my brothers…

Tom would explore these parts day or night. He would be the best exploration partner. I can’t wait to adventure with him here.

Dave would LOVE the people and the culture. He would fit right in and he would try everything.

Phil-he would enjoy the food. He wouldn’t even be nervous to order like I am 🙂

The sunflowers remind me of my mama. I see her in every flower.

The athletic complexes remind me of my dad. He never missed one of my games.

The tiny pick up trucks-they remind me of you!

I wish you could be here exploring with me. The world is so much bigger than I imagined and as my world gets bigger…I somehow become less lonely. Strange, isn’t it?

These are just a few of the people who cross my heart each day here in Japan.

I have the next week off from work. I was hoping to try and get to Okinawa but I think I better just get familiar with my surroundings and the city where I live. I hope to see the ocean soon and make it to the mountains.

Tonight I have made it up until 11:50pm…all my family is getting up for work while I am turning in for the night. I think maybe I am FINALLY adjusting to the time change.

Remember…20 seconds of embarrassing bravery.

illie

Until next time

August 8, 2018
165 hours

I have nearly spent my first week in Japan (just shy of a few hours)!

The things I have seen, learned and experienced are beyond words. I find it hard to stay up past about 7:00pm. I wake up at about 5:00am and am ready for a nap by 10:00am. I haven’t eaten as much as I do at home because ordering is a challenge for me. Hah! I have eaten the majority of my meals alone and every single meal has been out (because I have to learn to cook)…

Saturday, I rode my bicycle to what I thought was the mall…where I ran into a teacher I had met just last week. That was a SHOCK because I only know a handful of people here and I have met them only within this week. I asked her where I was at and she informed me that I was at a supermarket…(I know…how did I not know the difference?) She pointed me in the right direction of the mall. Once I got there I was overwhelmed with stores, smells and sounds.

I spent a few hours walking around and wandering in and out of shops. The entire time I had the biggest smile on my face as I saw people going on about their days. I had a 20 minute bike ride home, maybe less. I was able to go meet with a friend at the mall later that night. However…the bike ride there at night took be about twice the amount of time and on the way home it took me at least triple the amount of time!!

I’ve officially been lost. I’ve also fallen off my bicycle which I had to laugh about. It reminded me of a bee sting…it’s just one of those things that has to happen every now and then.

Sunday, a friend taught me how to use the bus and find my way to one of the train stations. We spent hours talking and exploring. She helped me figure out things it would have taken me months to figure out. Thank goodness for nice people. Tonight, I walked to the supermarket and got an ice cream cone. Someone told me that I might cut down on my ice cream intake in Japan due to the taste…but the only reason I am cutting down is because you cannot buy quarts here. Walking to the supermarket at night is an ordeal for me…I might not even do that back home since I’m such a baby. I’m overly cautious and afraid of most everything but I’m discovering that a thought is just a thought and a thought can be changed.

The people appreciate when I try to speak Japanese. Sometimes I know I must sound and look like a fool…but I’m okay with that because at least I’m trying. I’ve always envied people who do what I am doing…it’s hard for me to believe that I’m living something I use to dream about. I look out my window from where I am sitting and I see a porch light blinking like it is going to burn out. It is the only thing I have seen each night that remains the same and I find comfort in that.

I have to keep my tattoos covered. I think that my tattoos are friendly and happy but tattoos are not yet accepted here. I cover the ones I can with clothing and the others with band-aids. I thought it was more of a “cover up for work” kind of thing…but it turns out it is better to cover them up any time I am out. When I walk out the door I begin dripping sweat so I wear two shirts now…the first is to absorb the sweat and the second is to try not to show the sweat. At home I swear two shirts just because it’s how I am comfortable…now I wish I could only wear one without it getting soaked. Once I walk in the door my clothes are off as quick as my shoes (which is at the door). I have so many updates I want to share but I cannot think of a way to string them together smoothly and in a timely manner…

To say the least:

The people are friendly, helpful and appreciate any effort I put forward.

The children are SO CUTE. Seems people love the word cute 🙂

Disney is big…and hedgehogs, I LOVE hedgehogs!!

The fabric is BEAUTIFUL and I need a sewing machine ASAP..

People take good care of their pets…

I went to the dentist last week which was a terrifying experience for me, only because of my past dental experiences. You see, I take care of my teeth…but if something is to go wrong, it will. At the dentist, a dear friend who took me under her wing the even before i got here, translated. As I was sitting in the exam chair hearing that my nerve was dying and I needed to get a root canal, the tears started streaming down my cheeks. I’m going to be getting a root canal…(TBD) I was too scared to do it then. I didn’t want to cry and it wasn’t because of dental care in Japan…I just cannot explain the amount of dental pain I have endured and the amount of time/money it has cost me. I hear the dental care here is wonderful- that will be to come.

Everybody at school does their part (I saw the assistant principal mowing the lawn last week, how amazing is that?!)

My bike was making a funny sound…so I was outside fixing it and a stranger stopped and tried to help me. The language barrier made it difficult but I knew he was asking if I needed help and I was able to let him know I had fixed it.

I have will have officially made it up until 9:00pm by the time I get into bed. The list of experiences I have had in a weeks time cannot be written or told. You would have to see it to believe it.

illie

August 5, 2018
Running on Empty
I have been in Japan a total of 4 days. Well, today is my 4th day. I know I will get busy soon and not write as much…but I want to remember as much of this journey as I can in the years to come.

I started work yesterday. First day in the world of bicycling as well… A wonderful woman who works here in Japan took me to set up a bank account and pocket wifi. Now I am able to have a device with me…which means I don’t have to worry about getting lost (YAY!). I have met incredible people here that have helped me greatly. I am extremely thankful to be in such a place…where people are willing to help even when they do not know me and have no incentive to help…This is my kind of community.

Today was my first day with students! The children are junior high age. The group I worked with today was incredible. Their smiles, effort, ability and happiness filled the room. One student in my group especially made me laugh. I met some wonderful ALT’s today too. They were extremely helpful, funny, and kind. One even showed me a burger joint after we were finished with our English Workshop…Mmmmmmh mmmmmh!

Last night I went to bed when I got home from work at about 4:00pm. I woke up at 7:00pm but went back to sleep. I am exhausted. I’ve spent the most amount of time in my room running the AC and my fans because by the time I walk in the door my entire body is dripping sweat…HEAD TO TOE dripping sweat. Today it says it is 91…but I find that hard to believe. With the 60% humidity…it feels unbelievably hot.

A few challenges I have had or am expecting are:
- Sleep/lack of energy…I guess I now know what Jet Lag is.
- shopping for groceries…I cannot read anything so if there is not a picture on the item I have no idea what it is.
- I need to go find sunscreen today-I couldn’t find it at 711. I walk to 711 every morning (I’ve been waking up at about 5-6am).
- the communication barrier makes me feel a little embarrassed. When people talk to me and I don’t understand, I feel bad, like I’ve done something wrong. As soon as I am settled in I will start taking Japanese lessons.
- BIKE RIDING! The traffic of walking/driving/biking seems to be random. I get scared I will run into something/someone. Everything is bigger in Texas…everything is smaller in Japan (vehicles, lanes, food portions).
- There is Baskin Robbins but there is not pralines and cream! : o
- you cannot buy a quart of ice cream…but the selection of a scoop size portion is unbelievable.
- The date is written differently (2018*08*02) and when writing my name it goes last name then first.
- I must cover my tattoos completely, each day. That means a bandaid on the forearm and on the ankle until I find something more appealing.
- The absolute hardest part of being here…is the love I left at home. Hearing from you makes me incredibly happy but it also brings tears to my eyes. I miss my dog and my people. I am enjoying myself so far…but when I get a phone call or a video chat…my heart flutters but I have to hold tears back. I hope that part gets easier…I’ve only been here 4 days-that part has to get easier even though I will miss you greater. I’ve always had a hard time with HappySads as I call it… Some people call it bittersweet.
Today will be my first time venturing home without guidance.

Looking forward to the journey-because now, even my ride home is an adventure.

illies
August 2, 2018