I am currently sitting in one of my favorite places in the world-feeling the goodness of life.
A few things I am extremely grateful for…
Being alive-how often do we actually take a moment and appreciate being ALIVE.
I am so lucky that I get to live this life, my life.
Living somewhere that no matter where I travel to and what I see, I am always excited to come home.
المغرب
The PEOPLE-the people in my life-worldwide. It is hard to believe that this little Spokane girl went international.
The familyships, my sisters-the women I have met along the way who have become family.
May everyone meet people along their journey who become literally-family.
شكراً بزاف، أخواتي
The people that aren’t just passing through…
the ones that have left a permanent imprint on my heart.
The people that make my life happier.
شكراً على كلشي، الله يخليك ليا
My teaching partners
Teaching is HARD. These people make it possible.
In the USA, Japan and Morocco-coworkers that have become my people…I was placed with random people to be partners with in the adventure of teaching. A teaching partner is defined as individuals that work alongside each other in the classroom…These people have become some of my dearest friends…People that I live alongside.
Adventures-airplanes, trains, boats, taxis…
Especially…my own two feet.
My family
Where life began
The most wondrous thing about family is that there are some things only we can understand. Our experiences together, the jokes and the storms we have weathered.
Sometimes I feel guilty for leaving home. I’m sad about missing out on being an auntie, a sister, a friend and a daughter…while it’s heart breaking, it’s also heart building. I bring along everything I know and love, wherever I go. I’m building the life my parents raised me to build. I’m becoming who I’m meant to be, because of who I came from. So when sadness knocks on my door-I allow her in and I cry. I cry for all that I miss and those that I love…and I thank sadness for reminding me that big love exists & knows no distance.
Moroccan celebrations
May everyone experience a Moroccan wedding at least once in their life.
Sunsets-I’ve also fallen in love with moonrises and moonsets.
What I love about the sun and the moon is the connection it gives us. When I am saying goodbye to the sun others are just saying hello to it. We are wishing on the same stars, gazing at the same moon.
While the sun is setting for me, it is rising for my family. I find comfort in this. It reminds me that we are one.
The ocean&sea-The Atlantic, Pacific, Indian, Mediterranean&Tyrrhenian Sea…and the rest I have yet to see. Yet another way we are all connected.
Animals-they make the world a better place. Pure and limitless love.
Growing up in the 90’s & 2000’s.
We were LUCKY to live in a generation where technology was gearing up but not taking over. Having to record songs on the radio, watch commercials, take your change to the Coinstar. Lemonade stands and rollerblading. Tree houses and neighborhood hide and seek.
The love of my life
شكراً بزاف، يا حياتي
I traveled the world to discover the love of a lifetime. Never did I dream that I’d meet someone that I share such a mutual love for life, the world, people, and the magic of being.
I knew I would never settle & now I know why.
I’ve learned that while looking out at the view- sometimes the view is right here-We are the view.
I haven’t shared as much of my life or my people with you since I moved to Morocco. I’ve been grappling with the mystery of…when you have a treasure-should you share it with the world or keep it private?
So, I’m living Ma’Roccan (my-rocking, get it??) life and I hope you are too.
While I am often in awe of my own life, don’t forget that your life is magical too. I have a superpower of finding the happy in every crack in the sidewalk. Become an expert in identifying magic (rainbows, butterflies, the moon, stars, sun, airplanes, hugs, new socks, a new song, AN old song, birds chirping, a hot shower, a COLD shower, sun dried laundry or machine dried, a good sleep, waking up, the feeling of laying in bed with nowhere to go but to sleep..). Pretend it is your first time driving or brushing your teeth. How silly would it feel to be brushing your teeth for the first time?! See and feel things for the first time again and you will be surprised how quick excitement and joy floods your life.
Once you become an expert in noticing everyday magic, magic in the mundane, living happier becomes the baseline.
The marriage process as an American who is marrying a Moroccan (in Morocco) is overwhelming. I gathered my papers and had everything done in a month-so I will share my process as it happened in 2025. Your steps will be the same but you might have a different time frame which allows you to do it at your leisure, on a budget. As always, this guide is based on my experience. Regulations can change so always do some research to make sure the same steps are required.
Our whole process (with the court approval) took 3 months with about a month break included. Our rush didn’t exist anymore due to family being in the country so we slowed down.
Step 0: Make your consulate appointment in Casablanca. On the US consulate website you will schedule an appointment for notarial and other services. When I went to make this appointment the earliest appointment was 2 months out which was perfect for me. https://evisaforms.state.gov/Instructions/ACSSchedulingSystem.asp
My process went like this. Proposal June 25th. Scheduled the embassy appointment on June 27th for August 12th.
USA trip July 2-August 5th.
Step 1 and 2 can be done in either order but you want to do this ASAP if you are in the states for a short time.
USA
Step 1: You need your original birth certificate from the vital records office in your state. For me it was the regional health district. I did a walk in, paid $40 and left with my birth certificate-if you have your original already, you can use it. This next part is VITAL-you need an apostille from the Secretary of State which will be obtained at your state capital. Depending on your time frame you can send your original birth certificate by mail to your Secretary of State, with the fee and get it back in the mail. I was in a time crunch as I didn’t know I needed the apostille for my birth certificate until 4 days prior to heading back to Morocco (don’t let the certified stamp on your birth certificate trick you). My only option was to do it in person so I drove 5 hours to the Secretary of State, got there at opening, paid $115 for the rush fee (same day service) and was on my happy way with my apostille (paper attached to my original birth certificate).
The regular fee to apostille one document is $15 in Washington state.
The apostille is a paper and it will be attached to your birth certificate, do not separate them.
Step 2: You need an FBI Rap Sheet. I have done this from Morocco VIA mail-sending a physical fingerprint card and getting the results back in the mail in the past. If you have the time this is the cheapest and slowest route. There are a few ways to do this-the USPS does finger printing in house (research for the location as not all post offices do it). You apply online and pay an $18 fee before going to the post office for an electric scan. (You will get a QR code or number to take to the post office with you, if you are not doing the post office route, you don’t need to pay the $18). This is the route I meant to go but I scheduled an appointment through Sterling (certified Live Scan, $65) after finding a local UPS store that offered this service. I scheduled my UPS visit on their website and then paid the fee on Sterling. UPS did my virtual scan and got the electronic results sent to my E-mail the same day. I then needed to send this to Washington DC to get an apostille. Again, the apostille is vital.
The printed version is considered the *original*. If you have time you can send it in the mail, or take it yourself if you are in Washington DC. I did not have the time to do this so I paid a company, Monument Visa Service LLC ($155 for the rush apostille service and 2-3 day shipping back). What they do is print your original and take it to the US department of state (Washington DC) for a walk-in service-what you can do yourself if you are in the area. Again, the apostille page will be attached to your FBI check, do not separate them.
Step 3: Once you have these documents, find a sworn translator in Morocco who can begin the translation for your documents before you arrive in Morocco.(If you are doing this in Tangier I can give you the one I used, she was a GEM.) I sent my birth certificate/apostille, FBI check/apostille pages via email to the translator and she began translating. I sent it before arriving in Morocco to cut down on the amount of time it would take to get them back once I arrived back in Morocco.
Step 4: Religious document-if you are a female you need a document declaring that you are Christian, Muslim or Jewish. A baptism paper works if you have one. I happened to have my original documentation so I did not have to get it…If you do need to-the establishment that did it should have the record.
If you are a male, you need to convert to Muslim. You can do this at any mosque where you will get a document. If you bring this document from the states, it also needs to be translated.
Step 4.5: I did this from the states but I had to be connected on a VPN (Morocco) to access the site. Request your Moroccan background check. I requested it and had it sent to my Moroccan address for 25dh. I requested it and it was processed and mailed out the same day and I got it 2 days later. Your partner will also need to do this step. (I did something wrong here, these papers did not end up getting used…and I never did clarify what the issue was. However, in our city in when submitting the paper to the family courts they let us know it was wrong and they ordered the correct one from the same place and got it in 2 days…I wasn’t there for this part but my husband picked up the correct papers that were delivered and added them to our file which was held at the court office.)
USA documents are complete! Congratulations. When you get to Morocco you will give the translator the originals so they can finalize the translations or start if you did not send them beforehand like I did. You will have one more paper to translate-the one you get from the embassy, so you will make another trip to the translator.
Step 5. Make copies of your passport. You need your photo page, your Morocco entry number page (typically the last page) and your most recent entry stamp page. 1 copy for you to keep and 1 to take to your consulate appointment. I made color copies.
Step 6. Hopefully you have a morning appointment for this. I took the train to Casablanca and arrived at the consulate at 9:30 for my 9:45 appointment. You attend this appointment by yourself. They checked my copies on the outside and I didn’t know I needed my most recent entry stamp copy so I had to run across the street and copy that page (5dh). With your three copies (picture page, entry number, most recent entry stamp) and your appointment confirmation page you will get in. You will be in a waiting area, watch who walks in before you as you will be after them. There isn’t a system here. You just walk up when it is your turn.
You will hand your copies and passport over and they will give you an affidavit of eligibility to marry in Morocco. You will fill this out, go pay the $100 fee for the notary on your affidavit and the passport copy. After you pay you wait to be called up where you will raise your right hand and swear that you are eligible to marry under Moroccan laws and then you will be off with your papers!
Step 7. Take these papers to Rabat to be stamped. It was the easiest for me to do this on my way back home-I recommend doing it in one day. I got off the train and grabbed a taxi. You will go to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs (legalization)located at 5 Rue Tamsloht. You will find several addresses online but this is the correct location. This is another appointment you must go to solo. You will be directed up stairs, get one stamp, change to another office across the hall for the next stamp. You visit two people here, make sure you get both stamps on your affidavit and passport page. You will have 4 stamps on your affidavit and 6 on your passport copy. From what I have heard the affidavit is the most important paper in this process. The legalization process does not have a fee. MAYBE-if you get your Moroccan background check stamped here or picked up the original it would be usable?
Step 8: The consulate papers are the last papers you need to hand off to the translator. I took these the day after we got back and received all of my translated documents on the same day. The timeline on this may depend on your translator. The cost for all of my translations was 800dh. My translated documents include: FBI background check/apostille, birth certificate/apostille, affidavit, *religious document if you brought it from the US.
Step 9: Moroccan medical check-go to a doctor and let them know it is for marriage. You will get a medical certificate in French or Arabic and the doctor will put your information on this and stamp it. Easiest part of the process!
Step 10: I wanted to be extra prepared so I asked my work for a work certificate for my proof of employment. For females this is not necessary, males it is.
Step 11: Copy your residence card and get your passport pictures taken-you will use 4-6 of these in your file.
5. Moroccan background check •Ours was not correct…ask your Adoul which one to order…•
6. Moroccan medical check
7. Work certificate
8. Copy of residence card
9. Passport photos
Step 12: Make 2 complete copies of all of your documents. You will have 2 copy sets plus your original set.
If you have an Adoul you will hand these papers off to them and they will handle it from here. I recommend doing this. We submitted them ourselves and it took my love 4-5 trips to the family court (for his paperwork). I cannot comment on this part as I was not present for all of it. If you choose to do it yourself you should both go-it was unusual for him to be there alone.
Once your file is submitted to family court you need the reference number for your file. We picked this up from an office in the Family Courts Division a few days after submitting everything. We got a sealed manila folder that included our file and the reference number. We went directly to the main police station for our police interview. We handed the file over and waited to be called back.
Step 13: Police interview
The officer started by asking my love a few questions about us (when we met and started dating, where I am from…). Then he asked my him and I both for a DETAILED report of our education and work background, starting from kindergarten until present.
Step 15: Pick up your papers! After the interview (Friday) he told us to come back Tuesday which is when we picked a paper up to deliver back to the family court. The paper was delivered to family court on Tuesday and we went back Friday. Friday we had to arrive before 11 pm. I wasn’t sure what we were waiting for or what we were getting.
To my happy surprise, when we sat down the woman gave us the stamped papers with the permission to marry! The judge approved and signed up on everything this morning and we left with two papers. They keep everything that you submit.
We took these papers straight to the Adula and the process was COMPLETE.
Your fiance needs to be diligent about their paperwork as well. My file was in order and the only hiccup was the Moroccan background check.
It has been so long that getting started has been daunting. Do I look back at the past and begin where I left off? Do I look to the future and what is coming? Or do I start where I am at? My goal is to start—so I’ll just start.
I have been living and loving in Morocco for 2 and a half years. In that time my dad has visited 4 times and my mama, once. Hamdullah. I live more than 5,000 miles away from my parents. Yet, I have spent more quality time with them in the past two years than I would if I lived in the same city. Last year I only spent 5 months without one of my parents by my side. I am so thankful for this. Mom and I even got to adventure into the UK and Ireland before we journeyed home for the summer. A few months back I told my dad— I need you. He got on a plane 4 days later. My parents are legends. They leave a mark wherever they go, but the biggest one of all, on me.
Grocery shopping is still overwhelming and maybe it will be until I can communicate clearly. I am learning the language slowly, but surely. It will take some time, but my vocabulary is growing. I have met some of my favorite people in the world here. One woman that particularly comes to mind is who I call my Moroccan Mama. She speaks Darija (the Arabic dialect spoken in Morocco) and the first year I was purely English. Now I have a little Darija/Arabic under my belt, but our communication is flawless. We have perfected it. People love to see us communicate because our baseline communication is love. We understand one another.
My apartment has an unbeatable view of the ocean. However, I am in the city center and the quiet falls between 4 and 6 in the morning.
You know when I moved here, the people who met me the first day bet that I wouldn’t last a year. I love them both dearly, so it makes me giggle that they had the odds stacked against me. You would have to if you saw me my first two weeks here. It is incredible, the strength and grit you can find within. Now, Morocco is also my home.
My bike isn’t as useful here as it was in Japan. The traffic is big city traffic, and the roadways are on par with Spokane in terms of potholes.
I have enjoyed sunsets and moonsets alike. I have slept under the stars in the Sahara and on the beach. I have spent time in villages where people use donkeys and horses for transportation. I have seen a house be built from the ground up, out of stones, with no machinery. I have seen a blind man lead his herd of sheep. This is Morocco. What we may call impossible is a day in the life here. Morocco is a place of dreams and inspiration, where the impossible is possible.
Looking back at my incredible journey with elephants and lions, and the fears I confronted… I set out on a similar adventure this past summer. I did a 10-day silent meditation retreat, a challenge that tested every fiber of my being. I went deep into my heart, mind, and soul, unearthing many emotions and experiences. I don’t know if I will do one of these again, but I remain grateful for the healing that began. After this course I got to fill the rest of the summer with a love story of its own. My two worlds got to mix. My people from home got to meet my person from Morocco, my person got to meet my people. A first time, wondrous experience.
Homesickness comes and goes—so summers are reserved for home as well as winter breaks when it is possible. I would like to get back to writing— I want to write a book. Considering the tools and resources available these days, I should be able to figure out how exactly to do it. However, any advice is welcome.
I will leave you with some life lessons from Dad in the recent past:
No decision is a decision.
You have 2 choices—Make a change, or don’t.
When given bad news, don’t fly off the handle right away…most problems will take care of themselves as long as you don’t make them worse.
I did something BIG this year. I MADE IT TO THE ELLYS! Next blog will be dedicated to that…so, I’ll leave out those goodies until then. (I wrote this blog in 2023~never published it because I couldn’t upload photos and I still can’t-so here it is! Publishing it nearly 2 years later)
May 20th, 2023
I’ll be in Botswana in one month.
I’m dreaming of tracking dinosaurs, in preparation for what my brain understands as the task. (Volunteering in the bush.)
I’ve dreamed of seeing elephants in their natural habitat for years.
To be honest it started by dreaming of seeing them in a zoo…at that time I didn’t know the implications of a zoo…I also didn’t realize that I was capable of doing whatever it is I dream. *We all are, so dream bigger*
So here I am, 15 years after declaring elephants as my dream, elephants as a world treasure-that I am preparing to head into my first volunteer project, tracking animals in Okavango, Botswana and Phinda, South Africa. I’ll never wait this long to pursue a dream, again.
I’ve imagined the stars, my first time spotting something wonderful, the sounds that will arise on outside of my tent. I missed the stars in Morocco but I saw constellations I have never seen!
A year ago, sleeping outside in a tent, alone, was my biggest fear…something that I’ve only done once in my life and I’m headed into two weeks of it 🎉
June 5th, 2023
It’s so weird, growing and going. One day I was tweeting 🐥 John Cena everyday and then one day I just stopped.
I wore a bow 🎀 everyday for nearly 6 years, now I do it occasionally.
I use to see friends 👯♀️everyday and now it’s been years.
I love doing things for the first time.
I fear doing things for the last time.
The thought or knowing of doing things for the last time holds me down. It’s suffocating, really.
It’s not about first or last. It’s just about each moment, being in that moment. I know this. Come on, I know this. Still working on this one.
South Africa day 1 Botswana June 19th, 2023
I dropped a tear on each flight here. I did this. I am doing this.
Day 2: flight to Botswana is in 3 hours.
People ask if I’m excited and I freeze. Now sitting by myself I must say, I feel like it’s my birthday. Butterflies and nerves flying around. Or this cup o joe is strong. This is what it feels like to be on the brink of a dream. The step before a life changing experience. I know that I’ll never again be the same, stepping into the wholeness of me. I guess that part makes me a little nervous. I’ve got a lot of wonderful relationships in life right now and I know this experience is going to change me for the better-May it also impact them for the better.
Found out I’m the only volunteer on this research and data collection adventure, in the bush, in a tent.. Boarding the flight my knees were shaking and my heart was pounding.
June 20th
I’m terrified and I’m doing it anyways.
In Botswana Riding to camp.
This ride puts theme parks to shame. Already exceeding all expectations. Pretty sure I saw elephant poop-because what creature could take poops that big.
Sunset one: the sky is a master piece.
I saw 4 giraffes 🦒
I hear unidentified sounds.
I asked a tracker to move his tent next to mine…They had never had a voluteer who was scared of the dark or camping in the bush…
The moon is my favorite finger nail slice.
No power 🎉
10 meters from the men who are to keep me safe. Growing up with boys prepared me for this week, a week with no women. Collecting headlamps, finally useful 😆
33 years in training for this moment right now.
Saw the eyes of a creature 15 meters from tent. Unsure what it is but I’m now in bed while wild life lingers around.
Driving here was like being home. Like I was on the way to see long lost family…
The air feels of fall. It was winter.
The roads feel like the back way.
The silence is quiet.
June 23rd, 2023
Been thinking about why I enjoy doing things by myself. I think when I’m alone I give myself permission to be 100%, fully and completely, me.
I hope to take this into the real world. When I experience things alone my emotional response is stronger. I don’t water down my happy or excitement.
“Don’t keep your shoes outside your tent, a hyena will eat them” SERIOUSLY.
6/26 I slept in the REAL wild. I’m talking no camp site, kitchen, just our tents.
I heard animals all night.
I could hear them calling from afar.
Breathing. Walking. Eating.
It was my best night of sleep. I had no fear 😢 I did it.
Today I saw 4 leapords, over 600 buffalo and a lioness hunting, she caught a buffalo calf. Two tears dropped from each of my eyes and I quickly wiped them away. Not because the world is making me cold but because I’m learning new perspectives, my mind and heart are expanding.
My heart ached for that baby buffalo but my heart also leaped in joy for that lioness who was bad ass enough to hunt her own meal, alone, because she got left behind.
I’ve seen a lioness hunt.
I’ve seen elephants trumpet in fear and throw dust up in the air for fun.
I’ve seen crocodiles sneak into rivers and the warthogs have jooked me out with their running pattern.
I’ve tracked leopards and wild dogs and seen hyenas in their den. I’ve slept under the stars with a measly tent as the only barrier between me and the entire Phoenix zoo.
These animals in Botswana are ordinary. I grew up thinking these animals were just exhibits.
Instead of seeing animals in zoos I hope to teach (my) children/students to live a life of traveling, gaining new perspectives and learning beyond what they can see at home.
In the future I don’t want to work to provide for my children.
I want to live happy so that they can grow up to live happy.
I’m learning. Learning from people and nature. I have a lot more to learn and it’s an exciting path.
To making the ordinary always extraordinary.
Keeping the magic going when doing the same thing for the hundredth time.
Experiencing a new way of life and appreciating it, whether you adopt that life style or not.
We are all here, together. Let’s celebrate each other and this place we call home.
A lion 5 meters away, roared and pounced at me. I jumped out of my seat and yelled oh shit. The trackers told me “don’t move, it gives them a chance” Another tracker later told me that you “don’t move because only food runs”.
6/26 5am and I’m preparing to leave Mankwe, Botswana. I’m holding back tears. This place supported me in upgrading myself. It took 4 nights (heart pounding, nearly in tears every time I woke up-hourly at least) to overcome my biggest fear, the dark. I slept 3 nights with no fear. Nothing in the surroundings changed, which means I GREW. I’m proud of doing something here, everyday, that gave me crippling anxiety and fear. From being in the dark, to leaving my tent to pee, to being bed length distance from the mammals of Botswana. Elephants scared me more than I expected.
You know, I’ve been here with these people a week and I’m sad to leave them. I think that’s special. I value connection. Give me a week and I’ll know you as if it’s been years and If you’re interested, you’ll know me the same. These men treated me as their sister and I’m sad to leave them. My first note to start this adventure-on June 20th “Boarding the flight my knees were shaking and my heart was pounding. I’m terrified and I’m doing it anyways.” Heading to the airport now, I have that lump in my throat, my eyes are full of tears, my heart is racing and my knees are shaking because I’m sad to leave.
I came terrified and I’m leaving brave.
Driving to town, breaks went out. A whole new adventure…
Scared? Yes. Maybe this is one of those things you don’t do scared.
Do it scared, if it’s safe.
Cried leaving Botswana. The place I went that changed my life. A place that changed the trajectory of my path. A door that I opened and walked through. *I did this*. I know I’m strong. Physically and emotionally but this adventure is one where I felt weak and vulnerable which isn’t a bad thing. I had nowhere to turn but within. That weakness brought me to a new level of bravery, a new place to operate from. Leveled up. everything in Botswana became eye level. Stars, animals, the ground, everything is now leveled.
South Africa for 1 night. Emerald guesthouse.
Muthi-magical medicine
Phinda-collecting elephant poop to research the impact of elephant contraceptive over long periods of time.
The elephants here seem different.
June 30th, 2023
Social experiment. Dropped into a house with 5 complete strangers. Wonder if this is how students feel beginning a new school year. I am fascinated with the different experiences each of us brings to the table. In learning about others, I’m learning about myself.
I miss Botswana.
I miss sleeping outside by myself. (WHAT!?!??!!! Shocking for me to even think that much less write it.)
Trying to gather back all of my sparkles, may have left some back at Okavango.
Recalibrating so that I can be fully present and engaged in these moments and experiences.
People are SO different. Why not focus on what’s the same? 🤔 what brings us together rather than what sets us apart.
Rhino injury treatment. Darted a rhino that had an injury that started from a tick bite. While treating this injury we also dehorned her so poachers won’t want to kill her for her horn.My first night in the volunteer house the trackers told me that we may assist in rhino dehorning. I thought it was cruel. I did not understand it.I thought, they will take care of their horns naturally…Turns out this is part of Rhino conservation.
Nowhere to be but in the moment. Just what I needed to bring myself fully and completely to the *now*.
July 2nd, 2023
Happy July! Fresh out of the Indian Ocean and my head is spinning, heart is buzzin.
With a group of people I’ve known less than a week and as I look at them playing in the water, I am happy to call them My friends. This is what it’s about ay? Traveling your world-whatever it may be. Your backyard, neighborhood, city, country or the globe. Sometimes my big travel is just to the couch and I don’t mean that lightly. Sometimes getting out of bed is my journey for the day and sometimes it’s hardest if all. Many people say I’m living my best life and I AM, by choice AND our best lives look different. Comparing lives is our demise. It’s the downfall. I hope no matter where you are in the world, you let today be the new best day of your life. Smile at the butterfly, listen to your children laugh, look in the mirror and say I LOVE YOU, let the sun hit your face and warm your heart. We all deserve it. Beaming love.
July 10th, 2023
My brackets have been blown and I reckon my vocabulary has grown. I’m keen on South Africa.
Ingani-little one
This trip is changing me.
My next dream to chase down is a motorcycle journey through the Himalayans. Or to the Amazon River.
If life turned out the way I thought it would…I wouldn’t be transcending beyond what I can see.
The world around you is happening inside of you.
I extended my two week trip to three weeks and I could have stayed longer.I could have done a summer but the next adventure awaited, a summer at home. Not just a summer…my first summer in 5 years.
July 11th-August 17th, 2023
This was my longest duration in Spokane since I moved to Japan in 2018. My first summer.
Summer
It was a lot. A lot of love, sunshine, play time, family time, and some sewing of course.
My nieces and nephews are growing up. My friendships remained.
Burgers, BBQs, lake days and jeep drives were highlights. Coffees and face tanning with my mom, parasailing with my dad for his 70th birthday, water balloon fights with the little ones, these are treasures in my heart.
Leaving home breaks my heart and heals it at the same time. When I think of the deep sadness I feel when I leave home, I think I must be the strongest person in the world to endure such pain. Living abroad is not for the faint of heart, this I know to be true.
September 7th, 2023
Reading this I know I was experiencing some serious home sickness.
The things we never see
All the thoughts racing through the brain before it even wakes.
Does it even sleep?
Working 24 hours a day is taking a toll and the cost is my peace.
The anxiety of having to go to the market, take a taxi or just to leave the house… I didn’t know you may not think of many things like: who, what, where, when, why.
Not to mention, having to ask for help.
I miss the ease of grocery stores and the ease of conversation.
Most of all when I get down, what I miss the most is that radiant being I call myself.
It doesn’t happen often but when it does it’s hard.
A curious new day ahead, brain please rest easy and let me go to bed.
October 4th, 2023
So, if you have made it this far, THANK YOU. That is just a snippet of the past year of living, loving and growing. I have a wondrous love story that I will share at a later point, it deserves a blog to itself.
Order the tea and sit for hours. Let it get cold because the company you’re with is far better than any drink that can be ordered.
Love big in small moments. Love in all moments.
If it’s a maybe, a soft no, a hell no or anything but an astounding YES, it’s a no. It’s not black or white. There is a whole rainbow of color between…
Be generous & be kind.
Boundaries-build that white little picket fence and let it be the boundaries that make life easier.
Acknowledge and embrace people for existing. March 16th, 2023 I experienced the love of Southern Moroccans. These magical beings loved my dad and I just for existing. Communication was limited and I have never felt so much love for just existing. Love doesn’t require the same language.
Two people experiencing the EXACT same thing, feel completely different about it. Communicate. In one brush of the hand I felt my world make sense, I broke the code, I got the sign. For me it was the beginning of everything and for them it was the end of all of it. Perspective-get with it.
No decision-is a decision
Hug more. Let people know they undeniably matter, and hold that hug until they end it.
Cheek kisses are not the easiest greeting in the world, but one of my favs. 😘 landed myself in 2 face kisses with a great laugh after.
No one will be harder on me than I am on myself, lighten up. 👍
Time is the most valuable thing on Earth. That & land. ⏰🏔️
Show people the magic of life. Butterflies, flowers growing in cement cracks, sunsets, moonrises. 🦋
The place my life really began. Hard to believe that 4 years ago I had never left America and now I am 2 hours out from landing in Casablanca, Morocco.
2 hours out from my new home.
2 hours out from my next chapter.
A FEW Japan chapter take aways:
I can do anything-move to a new country by myself, start a new job and succeed, make new friends with language barriers, bungee jump, sky dive, ocean dive, and brighten the world while brightening my own life.
The airplane is small. Hard to get out and go to the bathroom. I don’t remember airplanes being this small. I haven’t flown on a full flight in 3 years, since COVID began.
Our layover was in Dubai.
My dad will have traveled the globe by the time he gets back to Washington. How bad ass is that. 2 one way tickets, 3 weeks and 4 countries/ FOUR CONTINENTS. I think that is amazing.
The next chapter is beginning.
*Trust the process. Keep safe in doing so. Be smart and be strong.
August 25th, 2022
New continent, new adventure-same girl and same bike!
I had a sweet ending to my time in Japan. Time with people that I adore and admire. I am now 24 days into my time in Morocco.
It’ll be fun to go back and see how my first weeks in Japan were-that is when and why I began this blog!
Getting off of the airplane in Casablanca, my knees were shaking, I was really nervous. I was more than nervous, I was terrified. Hard to believe that I did that by MYSELF when I moved to Japan. This time my dad was with me :]
Driving to Tangier I saw: horses and mules, pulling wagons (SAY WHAT?!). Earlier that week my dad was talking about how his grandparents used horses to do the farm work-then I was seeing that with my very own eyes!
Wagons for transportation- another shocker.
The car ride was hot-AC is not as popular here as it is in the places I have lived. Airport to home was about 5 hours and after an 18 hour flight commute we were exhausted. Walking into the apartment I was happily surprised by the size and condition. The apartments here are BEAUTIFUL. Tile floors and giant rooms.
No AC so windows are open all the time. For sleeping I have to decide if I want to have a hot room or a quiet room. The night life here is unlike anything I have ever experienced. The city seems to come to life around 8 or 9 and continue until the morning hours.
September 10th, 2022
I am now 1 month and 9 days into my journey here. The way I feel today is completely different than how I felt the day I arrived at the airport.
The day I got here I was ready to leave. I wouldn’t have written that before today or told anybody because I knew I hadn’t given Morocco a chance. I hadn’t given myself a chance.
I didn’t like the lack of smiles. Guess what-not everyone expresses happiness with a smile. Accepting that and learning to beam inside when necessary and outside when safe.
I didn’t like being looked at. Now that I am around and living here, people don’t look so much.
I was scared. Going out took a lot of energy. I was scared because I went from a place where NO one looks at you or touches you, to a place where everyone looks and personal space is everyones space.
I went from a quiet life to a city that comes to life at night. (It is beautiful.)
It was a lot of adjusting. A new and different way of life.
I appreciate the discomfort because I know that my greatest growths have come from being uncomfortable. The real changes have come from stepping outside of comfortable.
People would ask me how I was liking Morocco and I would respond as positively as I could-It’s a lot and I look forward to the magic to be found.
I was grasping at straws, yearning for the day I would feel safe and free.
I had a moment, 13 days into my time here, where I KNEW in my heart that I was going to be okay…That I was going to be more than okay, that I would thrive, grow and sparkle. That was a big moment for me-the moment I knew this is the place for me.
You know who was LOVING it from day one? Dad. Who knew that guy was born to be international. He is a natural at it. No fear. At least he shows no fear, in his daughter’s eyes. Something I am most thankful for is that my dad began this adventure with me.
Tangier, Morocco
Being 40 days into my time here, two years feels like it won’t be long enough.
40 days mask free after wearing a mask for the past 3 years. I felt naked without it for awhile and I still giggle when I reach up to my face to take it down.
A funny for you: A guy at the beach told me I dropped my toilet paper…The entire roll that I carry in my backpack fell out. Most public restrooms don’t have it. Learned that the hard way.
Crossing the street is an adventure.
HEY! The Mediterranean sea is spectacular, can’t wait to explore that more. Also said my first hello to the Atlantic sea. In fact, dad and I both took our first swim in the Atlantic Ocean.
My dad stayed with me for 3 weeks in Morocco before completing his trip around the globe. Washington state to Japan, to Morocco, to Spain and back home again. So thankful he was able to start this chapter with me. We both lucked out on that. I love that I made this decision to leave home and how my parents too, get to leave home.
In a short month together my dad and I traveled places we never dreamed of, places we had never looked at on a map and we did it together. I really do feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
SpainTangierTangierFull moon
Japan is where my life began.
I am excited to see what unfolds in Morocco and how much more at home I will begin to feel living, as me. I am sure of something wondrous and beaming.
All the love and all the power from your now, Morocco Lovin’ Rachel.
Found a note that I started on my computer during my flight home!
December 19th, 2021:
Watching the sunrise above the clouds with the stars still sparkling. When these two meet, magic happens. The sun is rising while the moon is setting, the stars are shining while the clouds are changing colors, welcoming the new day. Like a birthday party for a brand new day!
My first international flight in 3 years. The excitement, adventure and opportunities that this trip will bring are as great as the opportunity of a new day. Infinite.
My covid experience was not knowing if I would hug my parents again.
In 2 hours I hit ground in Seattle, Washington.
My trip started off in a new way. A great family, dear friends, brought me to the airport, parked and walked me in. They saw me off and boy did it feel like the sunrise meeting the moon set. Calm, peaceful and pure. To start my trip in such a way, I know that I have some great days ahead.
Familyships
How could they not be, after all?
… Back to present day:
Last year, 2021, I was on a night dive, under water to bring in the the new year. 2021 consisted of 50+ dives around Japan, which is a lot for a girl who had never been under ocean water before. This year, 2022, I was on my way back to Japan, over the clouds. When I was younger I always heard *How you bring in the new year is how you spend the year. While I don’t put all my eggs in that basket, I know this year will be exciting and it is starting off with my head above the clouds.
February:
March! My favorite month. February was one for the books this year and I know March will be the same.
I went to visit the place I use to be from…My first home away from home. Nishinomiya, Hyogo was a lot of firsts for me…I’d never left America and only visited a handful of states before getting my passport at 28 and moving here. I turned in my car keys, packed 3 suitcases and got a one way ticket to Japan for what I thought would be two years MAX. Here I am three and a half years later. My first: foreign country, train ride, chopstick use, sushi, raw fish, public bath, taxi ride and the gathering of my fragmented soul. It was also my first starting from the ground up building: familyships, friendships, a new language and career. It was my first time without: a car, an animal, gatorade, hot tamales, starbursts, pralines and cream ice cream…
Living a life I never dreamed of, MAGIC.
I am often smiling when I get on my bike because I am 31 years old, in a foreign country that I call home, RIDING my bike to the train station to go on a little adventure. COME ON now, does it get better than this?!
I learned a more about living the past 3.5 years than I could have in a lifetime- if I didn’t take this opportunity. I feel that I have navigated and become better from each experience. I have learned about a new culture. The things I thought I would never understand are now normal. I think that is how I knew it was time to move on to the next adventure.
This feeling is one I am familiar with…I’m not scared of where I’m going, I am lucky to have a life full of love to leave. Hard goodbyes are the best because where a difficult goodbye exists, love lives. Anywhere love lives, count me in.
Most days I feel like I am walking on sunshine, sliding down rainbows. It is like I have these HAPPY glasses that I wear around. I find happiness in everything. Some may think I don’t see the realness in life but really, I find happy in that too. The other day my hands were so cold I could have broken my fingers off. I laughed. Stubbing my toe, hilarious. The hard stuff too, I may not always find happiness in it because let’s be real…there isn’t happiness in hurting someone you care about, a broken heart, the loss of a friend or the disappointment of a letdown. I do always recognize that the set back, is the set up. The cards are stacked in my favor and regardless of what it is, I will grow and become better, braver, stronger and wiser.
Smile, it makes a difference. Laugh, it changes your life.
Spring is here. Cherry blossoms are beginning. I use to feel restlessness in Spring. Now I feel hope, wonder and magic because I am at home with myself. What a wonderful place to be.
I am 15 months hangover free and 30 pounds lighter. I was thinking this morning while getting ready for work, I have been living alone for 4 years, single for 5+. Sneaking up on 32 years old, I thought I would possibly be married by now and absolutely have children. Like I said…I am living a life that wasn’t even in my wildest dreams and it turns out, it’s perfect for me.
Rachel here! I had a goal of no hangovers for a year and that goal has come and gone. I have now been hangover free for 14 months! Badda bing, badda boom~! Who knew, paradise was right here in my own home, my own body, on Saturday mornings rising with the sun. It took me awhile to make this a solid space of living and now that I have I often find myself ecstatic and happy at myself that I am able to rise with the sun, headache free and happy.
Not only headache free. I’m nearly 10 months Zoloft free.
8 years of Zoloft. I thought I was taking a pill that kept me safe and took care of my nightmares…I thought a pill was that magical. Little did I know, I hold so much more power within myself.
Some new tattoos…it is funny that Japan is not a huge fan of tattoos but now I have gotten more than half of my tattoos here! Took me some tattoos and years to realize…my favorite tattoos are the ones that I got for myself. Go figure.
I am
The person I want to be. Each day I strive to be better than the day before. My call of action-reflection, action, manifestation.
Went camping and slept in a SOLO tent for the first time. Probably the scariest thing I have ever done in my life….There were only two of us at the campsite…My first time really camping and boy oh boy was it a huge growing point for me. I can do scary things. I can overcome fears…
When I was a child I thought that moments lasted forever. I thought the pain of skinning a knee, the trouble and guilt from stealing tic tacs and rolos from super one would last a life time. Now I am figuring out what kinds of moments I do want to keep alive and well and what I need to let go of.
Instead of thinking that the best has already happened, or the best is yet to happen...I know that the best is always happening.
I got to visit home for the first time since 2019. It was much needed visit. My covid experience shook me to the core and hugging my parents was what I wanted more than anything. So, December 2021 I got to hug them and meet my new niece and have a reunion with some people I love dearly. My trip back to Japan was delayed and those bonus days I got were my favorite part. This was a trip unlike any before. A new kind of way to be with the people I love most and it was perfect. The time together was everything I wanted and needed. Of course, I do look forward to the next time I get to hug my mama and dad. Those humans…some of the worlds greatest.
I often think about this blueprint of my life. Every SINGLE second makes a difference. It blows my mind when I really think about the butterfly effect [tiny changes in big systems can have complex results]. The tiny changes are what I think of as EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY. Pressing snooze, changing the song, red lights, green lights, putting my left shoe on before the right, staying in the shower for one more second…These are the decisions of everyday. Not making a decision is actually making a decision. The system..is our life. These tiny (or big) moments lead us to right here, right now.
Not everyone believes this and that’s the great thing, this isn’t anyone’s blog, it’s mine.
I believe it and I choose to find magic and goodness in it. I am always right where I am suppose to be.
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
Japan is the place I really fell in love with myself for the first time.
My next step in life: Morocco. I love Japan and it has afforded me the ability to get to know the truest and best version of myself. I’ve created a happy, healthy, exciting and beautiful life here. Why I would leave something so wonderful, why not? This is only the first country I have been to outside of America and it has been top notch magical. The next will be too. The things I want in life: abundant happiness, health, wealth, love, growth, experiences…these are not a location. They are me. I will have these no matter where I am. Wherever I am, I am home.
So as Bon Jovi says, Welcome to wherever you are.
When I started this blog it was about everything in Japan that was new and exciting for me. The things that shocked me, shook me and excited me. Next-I’ll be writing about all of those magnificent things in a new place, Tangier, Morocco.
I got a Cricut machine and I have been creating some handmade magic. Class T-shirts, some for myself, friends, family. I have also taken up running and am now rescue diver certified! Yay for healthy, enjoyable habits and hobbies.
MY HAIR!!! Post covid my hair fell out my the clumps, for six months. It is growing back in now like a CHAMP. I call my new hairs, growers. They make me laugh.
I did a manifesting class to start the year and my wishes-
Africa or better —MOROCCO!
Elephants in their natural habitat Or better-I expect that to be coming soon.
Rockin* Radiant relationships or better- Always in the making.
I learned to always add *or better* at the end of manifestations, hopes and dreams. It opens the door for even MORE magic.
I am caught up in the magic of life these days, living in the light, on the bright side. The universe is always rooting for me and has my back.
The cards aren’t stacked against you, they are stacked for you, BELIEVE that.
Was Sparkling overhead. The last few weeks on the horizon before I was actually going to have a summer. A summer with family
and summer with the bunny.
If only…
It wasn’t that easy when I was thinking about it pre-Covid. I didn’t want to go home. So many things have changed and of all the ones I can control the greatest change has been myself. That’s of course-the only thing I can control-ME.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to put myself back into an environment that may not be at my level of vibration.
I felt it was my duty to go home.
I didn’t know if it would fling me back these lightyears of growth…this is my journey and I had to really think about if I wanted to put myself in a situation where I didn’t feel happy, healthy, safe or free.
I wanted an excuse not to go and that is exactly what I got.
Welcome to COVID crash course, RB 2.0.
Now, my decisions will come with more ease, meaning and at the root of all decisions will be, ME. After all, this is my life and I know you’re living yours too.
Let me tell you-the day before I tested positive for covid I talked to my brother and we he a good game plan. Days ahead of flying airplanes, water park trips, even had some time stashed for me to make a run for Phoenix to see my beloved energy doctor.
All was going to be ok. I knew I was strong enough. I knew my healing was real and there could be no such set back when I trust myself.
Then-covid walked into the party.
Day 1. Headache. Bad. day 2-felt ok minus a slight backache. Day 3-7 unbearable Muscle and joint aches, headaches, fevers and tears of pain. Everyday day got worse.
One day, I sat in the bath and cried as I wrote a goodbye letter to the people I love. I don’t know that I have ever been in that much physical pain in my life.
Now, day 15.
Miss you monkey
Take me back-or wait let’s go forward. See you soon 🐒 🐰
IV’d up taking a crash course in how to love myself.
Which by the way, I thought I had already mastered.
They say 4 more days and that feels like an eternity. What I’m stuck trying to figure out is…why do I think every single thing that I possibly need is just one step away, one step outside of this hospital door, one step beyond my reach. That just simply isn’t the case. Everything I need, I harness right here, right now. Finding it, encompassing it and letting my magnificence shine ✨ has proven to be another task.
Working on it and I will continue to until I figure out, the deepest level of loving myself.
Alright, alright alright! Here we go. I had 5 blogs started so I’m going to throw them altogether and see what I end up with. So-here we go. My first half of 2021 in review.
January 2021:
2021! Welcome. This year is off to an extra special start.
Where were you when the new year struck?
Me, I was under water on a night dive. I entered the water in the last hour of 2020 and I exited within the first hour of 2021!
It was an exciting experience. In the past month I have gone from a 1 dive girl to double digits-17 dives deep! I am working on getting my advanced open water diving certificate.
Under water is really a cool place to be. I was asked while on a dive trip with my favorite dive shop- OhanaWith in Numazu.
Why did you start diving?
The easy answer…I don’t know.
The real answer…I wanted to do something I was scared of. That is why I started. I’m continuing it because I want to master something that I never thought I’d do. I want to master this new exciting hobby that is bringing joy, health and wealth into my life.
I’m reflecting a bit on some of the heart work I’ve been doing. I’ve hosted some resentment within me because I felt invisible at times throughout my life. I thought others weren’t seeing me…turns out-I made myself invisible.
This is a hard reality for me to stomach. Why would someone want to be invisible?
Well-the answer is-at times it probably saved my life. There were times it was safe and easy to be invisible. It was something I held tight to unknowingly though and I’m ready to let it go.
This winter I had a moment where I tried to go invisible. I felt like a hassle to those I was with and I felt unwanted. This in no way was what was happening but in my mind, it was. That is where I need to expand my heart, mind and soul. This only reflects myself, the way I feel about myself. I developed this victim mentality that I thought I let go of years ago. I remember being a teenager thinking “Why is this happening to me…” I now know that the things that I thought were happening to me…were not even about me. It was about them.
February 2021:
Lose yo’self.
Not.
March 2021
There is only one way forward…and that is forward.
I rented a motorcycle. What an ADVENTURE. During my 24 hour rental I had this…revelation. The only way forward, is…drumroll please……………….
FORWARD
Seems obvious. However, when we drive, we look back with the mirrors. On the motorcycle there were times when I was looking back, so concerned that I was an inconvience for the person behind me, I would pull over. The mirror is an important tool. Necessary for safety and more importantly, is what is ahead.
I am…The person I want to be. Each day I strive to be better than the day before. My call of action-reflection, action, manifestation.
April 2021
Life is full of big decisions. Ones that change a moment, a day, and your entire life.
Frightening or freeing depending on how you look at it.
I’m days off of Zoloft which I’ve taken since I was 23 years old. Frightening or freeing depending on how I see it.
May 2021
Started Aikido and came while reading a book about it I came across the FAQ.
Does Aikido make you “strong”?
Answer: The development of spiritual strength will give you the unshakable confidence to meet any challenge that is true strength.
June 2021
The wisdom inside of you-the you inside of you that loves you more than anybody else in the world-That you doesn’t need to be found, they need to be uncovered. -Annie Grace words. Powerful.
Too drunk to drive in the morning. THE NEXT MORNING. Has that ever happened to you?
You ever laughed about that with friends the next morning?
I wish I could say no-. However, at that time in my life I actually thought it was funny.
Seems like ages ago. Well those mornings have been years ago. I took breaks from drinking here and there. Months at a time. Now, I’m currently on my 6th month of choosing not to drink-because I don’t want to. Who knew, paradise was right here in my own home. Saturnine mornings, 5 AM woken up by the sunlight, refreshed and ready to start the day. Headaches that are curable, anxiety that is non-existent. It took me awhile to make this a solid space of living and now that I have I often find myself so happy at myself because I am able to rise with the sun, headache free and happy.
Not only headache free. I’m nearly 2 months Zoloft free.
8 years of Zoloft. I thought I was taking a pill that kept me safe. Made me feel safe. Took care of my nightmares…I thought a pill was that magical. Little did I know, I hold so much more power within myself.
I am that powerful.
I was told I would likely be on Zoloft the rest of my life. Thankfully, I found myself in a safe situation, place and environment where I was able to give it a go. The withdrawals were notable. The chills, headaches, dizziness and nightmares came and have since went.
One night…So notable I am going to share it. This was a week or so off of Zoloft and the nightmares that began all those years ago returned. I woke up and began to panic. I was crying, unable to calm myself and I was awake. I was looking around my room trying to convince myself that I was safe-because I was.
This night, it took me 20 minutes with some help of my energy sensei to get back to center in a place where I was able to lay back down. When I began Zoloft it was because I had these same nightmares and I would stay up the entire night, scared out of my mind. This was the same nightmare but this time instead of 12 plus hours to get back in my body, right here right now, it took me 20 minutes. Growth.
This first six months of 2021 has been a lot of heart, mind, soul growth and expansion. It’s been healthy. I’ve been practicing energy work, wim hof, ocean diving, aikido and added some new ink to my body too. One more dive course and I’m into the rhelm of professional divers. YES!
Rachel here. How long has it been? I’d say about 2 years if I knew exactly 😉
It has been awhile.
You’ve entered my life again, quickly and unexpected. I wouldn’t expect anything less, butterflies.
Happy you’re here.
I’m the owner of a brand new perfectly fitting wetsuit with RAINBOW thread. I got to put it to use once. It was amazing to be in the ocean, in November, not even a bit cold.
I had CHILI and a cinnamon roll for the first time in Japan. AND COOL BLUE GATORADE.
I’m 15 seasons deep in survivor.
I just opened up my journal to realize that I haven’t written in it since early August. My writing has fallen on my priority list and I have got to bring it back to the top.
Back to my new wet suit. I love it and have NOW worn it several times for surfing and diving. Very loosely do I use the word, surfing. For me it is more of a…ride the wave and maybe get to the knees. I have to get my body stronger so that I can get up.
I have one class left until I complete the open water diving course. I’ll be a certified diver! When I first moved to Japan I met a dear friend who is a diver. I thought it was incredible that she had that kind of hobby. It never crossed my mind to have it as a hobby. I thought it was incredibly brave and admirable that she did such an adventurous activity so often…and I never thought, I should do that.
Now, here I am, doing it. It is one of the most exciting and healthy hobbies I have had. I’m looking forward to seeing, meeting and enjoying all that&who it brings into my life.
The first time I went diving about a month ago, when I was under the water I was thinking about how amazing it was to just be there. I could only concentrate on what was right in front of me. I don’t think I’ve ever been that present in a moment before. I couldn’t let my mind wander and I didn’t have to intentionally try not to wander. There was no distractions, no technology
no past or present.
All there is when I’m under the water is that moment. It is hard for me to write this past tense, and still hold the meaning so I’m going to take a breather here and try to write it as if I am under the water…
Before going under…Before placing the regulator in my mouth, my heart is POUNDING. Breathing under water feels unsafe and scary.
Regulator in, decending.
FISHIES. Blue. Purple. Rocks. Fishies. Yelps of joy coming out because I’m seeing the under water life.
Little effort to move smoothly, love this feeling.
Breathe.
The water is the most beautiful color. The fish are swimming around as if I am one of them. How cool that fish can accept and go on about life when something unknown enters into its living space. No judgement. No fear. No limitations. Trust and confidence. Giggling as I see things underwater I’ve never seen.
This point of view isn’t really working for me either…read with grace and hopefully you understand what I’m saying.
When I am under the water looking foward, 100% of my focus is on what is right in front of me. I am 100% in my body and only concerned with what I can see at that moment. There is no past or present. There is only that moment, the here and now.
When I’m outside of the water…I can be looking at what is right in front of me while thinking about a limitless amount of other things. It can be difficult to focus on what is right in front of me… Fear, limitations, the past and present use to be local dwellers in my life. One of the many qualities I hope to bring outside of the water with me is the focus and mentality of the here and now.
I breathe under water. That is something that terrified(s) me. I am doing something that makes my heart beat faster…yet I am doing it and I am in that moment. Being in the moment calms me down and doing something that use to be unimaginable becomes, enjoyable.
There is a lot to learn from this world of life, underwater.
I never thought I’d be doing this and here I am. This is a reoccurring theme in my life. The things I never thought I’d do, I can and will do. It is time to make my dreams bigger. Things I never thought I do is a limiting thought and I let go of all limitations.
the provided terms.
Last night there was a full moon and with some preparation and planning I let go of a lifetime of beliefs that no longer (or never did) serve me.
I thought about who I am. I thought about the fear housed within my mind, body and soul. Fear was the root of almost every belief that I had, that was holding me back. Fear of missing out, losing someone I love, failing, succeeding, sadness, guilt. Fear is no longer a part of my life. I’ll tell you what is…
Universe, I am ready…
thank you for the unlimited: love, health, joy, excitement, money, possibilities, opportunities, grace, wisdom, strength, happies, relationships and special moments.
The fall this year has got me all up in my feelings.
The cool breeze in the mornings in hand with the sunshine takes me back to the age of 7 or so.
Getting up early when the grass has a bit of dew on it, sleep in my eyes and a box full of capri suns and squeeze-its ready for the end of the game celebration. 2-4-6-8 who do we appreciateeeeeeeee.
The weekend soccer games. Each day on my way to work, that is what I’m thinking about. It is the perfect combination of sunshine and autumn air taking me back.
Freezing in the morning and sweating by half time. Orange slices at half time and a smile from mom and dad.
These weekend full of soccer games haven’t crossed my mind before.
I love the way the air feels in the fall but right now, it’s not only the fall air. It feels different and it is taking me back to when I was a little girl.
I think maybe that little girl is trying to catch up to me and where I’m at now.
I miss waking up in the same house as my parents. I miss my mom saying “time to get up” each morning. I miss falling asleep to the sound of my moms voice.
On weekends (he still would if I was there) my dad would come in my room by about 8am and say “RACHEL YOU’RE LATE FOR SCHOOL”. I’d still jump out of bed in a panic. Then I’d be up just to see what was in store from father. Likely a harbor freight run. He LOVES that place.
I miss going to baskin robins every night of the summer for a scoop of ice cream with my dad, driving around listening to Steely Dan and Bye Bye Miss American Pie.
When I was little I dreaded the car/boat/motorcycle/craft show. At about 20 I became interested in them and before I moved these shows had become an annual event.
HappySad.
Looking back is always hard. I wish it made me happy and maybe it will one day but right now, it’s hard, it hurts and it makes me sad. I also feel these emotions when looking too far into the future.
Working on being right here, right now. Soaking up the autumn mornings and letting the sun help me to shine brighter.
Do you ever sit and think about how lucky you are? I do and I highly recommend it.
I recently had this epiphany (with some outside help).
Life is allowed to be easy.
I would feel defensive when people would say things like:
You’re so lucky
Count your blessings
If your life is easy, be grateful
Things are easy for you
Looking at those statements they are all positive. I am lucky, I do and should always count my happies, life is great and it is easy for me to do the things I want to do. This is all incredible. Yet, I would feel defensive. The automatic defense this sent me into has since dissipated all because of the realization that life is allowed to be easy.
I felt bad before that my life is, well, what it is. Now, I’m wondering why everyone doesn’t go ahead, go out and GET HAPPY.
My journey started about a year ago with the words, healthy, happy, free and safe. These were the words I wanted to bring into my life. I knew the only way to get healthy and bring feelings of happiness, freedom and safety into my life was from the inside, out. Started with 4 little words. A year later, I’m in a new city, starting another chapter of life where I am indeed, happy, healthy, safe and free.
Now, I’ve got new goals I’m fostering and setting.
I wish everyone would do this but I’m doing what I can do, I’m doing it.
I’m settled in a new home, in a new city. I’ve been in Japan for just over two years and Numazu for 3 months. My new home is near beautiful beaches and mountains. My home is coming together. As you may know…my living space tends to be…childlike. I have changed in the past two years and my living space is now getting energized and upgraded to catch up to me, Rachel, in 2020. I’ve gotten rid of things that no longer fit, things I think i’ll get around to wearing, making, or fixing and the “stuff” that clutters my life. I look forward to going home to a place I previously (slightly) avoided. It is an exciting time in my life and I hope it is in yours too.
Fall is here. I’m loving the weather.
I’ve taken up snorkeling, bought a customized wetsuit and I am going to get my diving certificate! ADVENTURING!
Welcoming the joy, new experiences and all the abundance life offers.
May 1, 2020 (I’m currently finishing up this blog and it is now June 9th…this blog is events from the past five months.)
Hey you! Stop, collaborate and listen…I’m getting older so if you don’t finish that line-just consider it a generation gap. ICE IS BACK WITH MY BRAND NEW INVENTION.
Happy, healthy, free, beautiful and safe. This has been the words I’ve repeated everyday for at least two months. Sometimes hundreds of times a day. When I began…I knew these words all hold a place deep in my bones and now I feel them.
Find what you need and bring them to your life.
A year ago my dad was here.
Right now Japan isn’t allowing flights inbound.
I’ve been away from home for my longest stent yet with no future plans of returning. I’m starting to clean up and pack for my next adventure.
My next adventure. Wow.
My trip to Thailand was cancelled-because of the virus. School has been cancelled for a month and will be postponed for another month. At home, school has been cancelled for the rest of the year.
The world is in a strange place. I hope you are staying healthy.
For my 30th birthday I spent the day with a few friends. We ate lunch at my favorite burger shop and had cake. Relaxing way to enter my 30s.
Not too much has happened in the past month. I’ve spent days at a time at home alone. I’ve had limited social interactions which I guess I was already use to, having been in Japan for a year and a half.
It better prepared me for this pandemic. I have limited social interactions and many of the interactions I have daily require a mass amount of energy. On top of the energy it requires to do simple things, much of the message is lost in translation.
That is something I miss. I miss the easiness of relationships. I miss the communication that is understood through verbal and non-verbal communication.
My fears have evolved so much in the past two years. I use to be afraid of anything and everything. My friends, I’d have them WATCH me walk to my car at night. I’d have my mom wait up for me if I was going to come home late. I never slept with my windows open because that is terrifying. Pull up to a stoplight, make sure the doors are locked. Headphones in when walking, no way. I use to hear sounds at night and it would scare me so badly I would stay up ALL NIGHT because sleeping when you are that scared is out of the question.
I’m in a completely different place in life, literally and figuratively. My anxiety and depression are at bay and manageable. I do have days where I do breakdown but I consider that a normal part of life-not linked to my depression and anxiety. My fears have evolved because my anxiety is manageable and I no longer worry about the things that use to hurt me. I’m coming to terms with the fact that it was never other people/things/events that hurt me. It was me, hurting ME. Figuring that out felt like a pounds of pressure off my chest. I can breathe easier.
The only person I can control is myself. I cannot control others. What someone else does is no reflection on me or who I am. Geographically moving doesn’t fix depression/anxiety but it has helped me manage mine. Sometimes all you need is boundaries and the way you acquire them varies. My boundaries and freedom came from moving out of the country. My freedom and safety came from digging deep within. I still have a lot to unpack and to tell you the truth I’m scared to do it. I have memories and years I cannot remember. I know they are in me somewhere and there’s a reason I can’t remember. When I’m ready, I’ll start digging.
6/1/2020
I stopped writing a month ago because thinking about unpacking the past put me into a frenzy. It made me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I’m not in the headspace to do this, yet. So for now-I’ll document the things I have been in the headspace to do!
February:
23rd: Osaka aquarium
24th: pole dancing show
March
7: Got out of the house and went to a singles event to meet new people.
8: Went to a friends house to meet her bunny and prairie dogs! Prairie dogs, as pets!
Started sewing at school because students were no longer coming. Listened to hours of 48 hours podcasts, made bags, pencil cases and blankets.
Went to an old students house to meet her family and have lunch.
MORE sewing
Hair became long enough for pig tails
Trip to Thailand cancelled
Last days at my most recent school and the last day at a school I’ve gone to once a month for the past year and a half. Cried on the way out of both.
April
Mom’s trip to Japan, cancelled
End of March/beginning of April…wrote and sent out about 50-100 happies to friends all over America. They have yet to receive them…
Chipped my front tooth. Again.
Made an address book.
Sakura season
New school
May:
Work from home days because of COVID19.
More sewing
Set some savings goal so I can buy a little Suzuki motorcycle during my next adventure.
Found out that my kid is actually a girl, after naming her, BOY (Otokonoko).
Mother’s Day-love you mom.
Beach days
2 full days sitting with my sadness and letting it out
More beach days
Began packing
Hikes with friends
Last week I began running.
Chipped my front tooth again-dental work
Some weird mystery infection.
Immigrations office
That brings us here, to June. I’m still waiting for a refund for my trip to Thailand. Hoping to squeeze it in at some point.
Hoping mom will be able to come visit sooner rather than later.
School started back up today. Half the students come in the AM and the other half in the PM. That way students are distanced and we can sanitize between groups. Students have 4 classes that are each a half hour. I’ll begin classes tomorrow. I CAN’T WAIT.
I’ve finalized my plans for moving. I’ve hired a moving company and began packing. HappySad.
I’m ready to be back in the classroom full time. I’m anxious, excited and full of hope and energy thinking forward.
As usual, leaving will be hard. It always is.
Getting close to people is hard. I didn’t use to think that. It has always been easy but I have never been the person leaving until now.
Sometimes while I’m riding my bike and I see something like…kids napping while riding on the front or back of a bicycle…I think, what a different life it is here. NO SKUNKS. People rarely get stung by bee’s. I love finding out these silly little things. JOY.
When I moved here everything was new and now its all normal. Bicycles riding everywhere, no pattern to the foot/bike traffic. No garbage cans in public places, the normality of drinking, being completely covered in summer not letting skin show, the cost of fruit and the amount of people on trains. Things that once blew my mind I can go through a day and not notice anymore.
I’m excited for my next journey. For all the newness and freshness. The excitement that comes with new experiences, new relationships and new challenges. I’ll have a heck of a time leaving Nishinomiya. I appreciate the sadness and difficulty though, because where the pain exists, love exists.
This is the place where I started to become the person I want to be. This is the place that saved a girl who didn’t know she needed saving.
The world is in a sad place right now. Keep being light
Shout out to BLMkansai. We went this weekend to support the movement and it was incredible. I am happy to be apart of something so great. It was well organized and carried out smoothly. Way to go Kansai and the organziers.
I was struggling with the most difficult heart work I’ve yet to experience. In the moments I was crying-it didn’t feel good. It was hard. I was reflecting and acknowledging things that I’d never given the time to. My last post was November 22! Wow, do I have a lot to share with you. November, I went to Tokyo for the first time. I liked it so much more than I imagined. Went to the busiest crossroad in-Shibuya. I was already happy because of the name…SHE BOO YA! You know I love that.
Shinkansen, YES!
Shibuya.
Tokyo-Team Lab
We went to Kamakura, which was an amazing site.
The entire experience was great. It was also shortly after I decided that I’d rather not drink. So-it was early morning starts, feeling like a million bucks. December-I went to Osaka to see my friends wrestle. Second time seeing a hometown friend, in Japan!
I went to Glico company. You know, where they make POCKY!
December 14th, my family grew bigger by one. If you know me, you have since met, Otokonoko. I went to see the Kobe luminarie with an old student and her sister. I just adore this girl and am so happy that have met her.
Christmas was a pretty typical day. Work. Had a Spokane/Nishinomiya Christmas party-lots of fun.
The next day was extremely special. It was the birthday of three wonderful woman in my life. I went with Yuko, to Nara. I thought that this would be a place I would go with these ladies if they were here. I wanted to go here to dedicate my day to celebrating them. We went to see the deer and visit a famous Temple. While here, I lit a candle for each of these women and said a prayer for their year to come. Love you wonderful ladies, Kristy, Lois and Mama.
New years eve I got to have a traditional Japanese dinner with one of my greatest friends, and her family. Soba! It was delicious. I also made MOCHI!!! This was the coolest experience and it only happens once a year.
New years I got to spend with Ayano and her family. A traditional Japanese new year. We ate Osechi that her family made, went to a shrine and enjoyed the company of each other.
Visited Kyoto with my friend from my last school. A dear woman in my life lost her daughter this day. I went to a shrine and prayed for her and her family. Love you.
Participated in a kimono event! Pamela and I got to wear traditional kimonos and participate in a tea ceremony.
You may have noticed that I have not spent as much time at the dentist. Stopped in for a cleaning. YIPEE. January 30th, I left for Sapporo, Hokkaido. The first three days were spent in the place of the snow festival. People were busy preparing snow sculptures. They were perfect.
The next 3 days were spent at Rutsusu resort. I went snowboarding for the first time in almost 20 years. Born again, first timer. My body held up far better than I intended. I had more fun than I remember ever having while on a mountain. I think it was because I was by myself. The thought of slowing someone else down never crossed my mind, I expected a fall off the chair lift (never happened?!) and I was planning on just a few runs before calling it good.
I never left the “family” runs. I’m okay with that. I went night skiing one evening which was fantastic. This trip was especially, wonderful, because I got to spend time with my friend that I met/visited for the first-time last year in Okinawa! Special little family that I got to join for a week. That right there is good for the heart. Thanks sister.
Got home the 6th and headed back to work the 7th and off to the zoo on the 8th. Pamela and I got to be models for kimonos on the 9th. We also participated in an international café, where we talked to people for hours, in English. It was great to see people of all ages, gather with one thing in common-wanting to speak in their second language. The bravery of people never gets old.
I adventured to IKEA! I didn’t know it was so close. It was kind of like a Costco adventure for me, minus the hot dog. Just walk around and enjoy. Valentine’s day in Japan…girls give boys chocolates. My mom sent me a wonderful package. February 15th, I went to an evening of Traditional Osaka Performances. There were 4 different performances which included, Ozashiki-asobi, Noh play, rakugo and koukyoku. It was in English. I hope to go again. The company was also great, as it tends to be here.
The 16th I went to USJ! Universal Studios Japan. I’ve only been to Disney land once in my life, when I was 23. It was a one-time only experience. I’m not crazy about waiting for longer than 30 minutes or walking in crowded places. I was thinking USJ would be the same. However, it was raining and with the coronavirus going around, the amount of people was far less than I expected! HAPPY SURPRISE. We didn’t wait longer than 10-15 minutes for anything. My favorite attraction was Harry Potter. Those 4D rides are nuts. It was my first time on one. We loved it so much we did it three times in a row.
You know everything I’ve done here in Japan, the things I wanted to do and the things I did for the experience…everything always turns out to be as wonderful or more than what I expect. Oh my Gosh. I haven’t posted in so long that I have more exciting news to share. I am honored to have had the opportunity to work with such wonderful people in Spokane. I am lucky to have had so many students impact my life and help make me a better person. I was due to depart Japan in July 2020. That is a quick 5 months away. I would have liked to return home. I will stay here though; I am so much healthier here in Japan. With that in mind I started to look for a job here. I am going to be an elementary teacher in Shizuoka. I’ll live in the land of the rising sun, where Mt. Fuji rests. I’ll be sad to leave Nishinomiya but I’m happy to be staying in Japan. Japan has been good for me in so many ways. 心豊かな経験と共に、今年でスポーケンの教職を離れることになりました。 静岡県のインターナショナル・スクールの小学部の先生として働きます。 『日の昇る国』に留まることにしました。 For all you knuckleheads that haven’t come to visit me yet…you got at minimum, 2 more years to make it happen. No excuses. No time, no money…money is cheap and it fills your pockets…but-life, memories, friendship, experiences, these things are expensive and worth every bit to make it happen…they fill your heart. Resigning from my career was difficult but I know that I’m doing this for all the right reasons. Every reason benefits me. The right thing isn’t usually the easy thing.
MARCH is going to be exciting. When I was ~22 someone asked me my dream. Dream as in something I’d do if I COULD, but probably not attainable. My dream was to take care of an elephant. To have an elephant. Not at a zoo, but just in its natural habitat. My boyfriend at the time laughed at me. It made me so sad that my real-life dream was being laughed at, by someone I cared about so much. I left and walked home, possibly in tears. I’m laughing thinking about it now. That is my dream. 100%. Still. It has always been something I considered unachievable. [Idiot.] The only thing that can hold us back is OURSELVES. For my birthday I decided…I’m going to see ellys in their natural habitat. I’m going to go to Thailand and spend 10 days, with elephants. I still cannot believe that I am doing this. April, MY MOM IS COMING TO VISIT. I am more than excited to welcome her to Japan and to let Japan hear the laughter of the two of us.
My mom and I have a great time together. We have these heart felt laughs that others can feel deep down in their bones. I’m excited that we are going international with our happiness. Time with my mom is time best spent. May and June will be my last full months in Nishinomiya, at my current job as an assistant language teacher. Then, July, this chapter ends, but the Japan adventure (book) continues.
If you let it, time heals most things. If time doesn’t heal it, you will get stronger. The biggest barrier in life is US. Go out and get happy. If you want to be, be. You are loved, worthy, smart, brave, healthy, safe and free. You are enough. Do more and be more and do it now.
Just be 