Just be

Author: Rachel Binger

An Open Letter to My Parents
March 28, 2020

Dear Mom and Dad,

Can you believe today is the day? 30 years ago, you brought me into the world. I love birthdays. I believe whole heartily that every single person on earth should be celebrated. That’s a pretty beautiful belief isn’t it?

30 years. THIRTY YEARS. I think it’s a big day for me but I know it’s a bigger day for you. This is the day your life yet again, changed. You had the responsibility of another child. Another being to share your love, attention and life with. Another child to teach patience, kindness, tenderness and truth too.

Here I am. Standing tall and in my own two feet with strong beliefs of kindness and infinite worth.

30 years ago was probably a pretty scary day, for you. Bringing into the world a fourth child and your first girl. Was it scary? Did you worry?…

-Maybe she will do ballet, how would that go over and who would practice with her?

-Maybe she won’t like playing outside…but who will stay inside with her?

-What happens when she accidentally kills a goldfish and lies about it, will she get a spanking or is that life lesson already enough to learn the importance of honesty??

-What happens when she gets her first crush and first broken heart?

-How will I raise her to feel comfortable talking to me?

-How can I help her to be the best that she can be?

I imagine you had thousands of wonderings leading up to this day.

Hell, you probably still do have wonderings that are closely related to predictions, fears or uncertainties.

If you ever found yourself wondering these things let me put your mind at ease with the answers…

-who will she marry? …It doesn’t matter. I’m a strong, confident, and independent individual and IF I meet the person I choose to spend the rest of my life with…you can be confident that they too are strong and confident individuals. You never have to worry about things like that. You raised me to be strong, independent, educated, personable, sincere and ever growing. Let that ease your mind and heart.

-Does she keep things from us? Ignorance is bliss. Isn’t that the truth? However, there isn’t much I keep from you.

-Does she know we did our best? Absolutely.

-Why isn’t she home with family? I’m doing what you’ve always wanted me to do. I’m being happy.

-Is she happy? Guilty.

-Does she know when we are unhappy? You see right through me. I don’t need to say a word and you see my heart. It is your superpower. Here’s the kicker, it’s also my superpower.

While this is a big day for me, it’s a bigger day for you. 30 years ago, you brought into the word a healthy baby girl.

Today you still have a healthy baby girl.

Here’s what I think you might not know…I see you. I always have and I always will.

Here are just a few of life’s lessons that you’ve helped me learn. You can try to guess who guided me through the ugliness to learn the harshness and beauty of the word…but chances are you will see what I’ve always known. You have made the best team. You have navigated a beautifully broken ship through parenting in the toughest of seas.

I imagine every day, you wake up trying to catch your breath, wondering if your ship is under water. Some days it I know it would be easier if the ship just went down. Gasping for breath, each morning- will it be water or air that fills your lungs?…Thank you for always choosing air when it would be easier to drown.

Life lessons:
- Strong people do hard things.
- Just say okay.
- Make the decision or it will be made for you.
- 3s never work.
- It doesn’t get easier.
- 75% of people won’t meet your fancy (to say it nicely).
- Drive safe. Be smart.
- Don’t settle.
- Never get into a car with someone who is drinking.
- Nothing good happens after dark.
- If it seems too good to be true then it probably is.
- One step at a time.
- Head up shoulders back.
- People prove themselves (guilty).
- When in doubt, mad, or anything but calm-don’t talk.
- Walk away.
- Don’t lock the keys in the car-but ALWAYS lock the car AND take everything out of the car because if you leave ANYTHING inside someone WILL break into your vehicle.
- Walk. Get outside and walk. It is good for the heart.
- When you need to have a serious talk with someone, just say, “let’s go on a ride” and get in the car and go.
These are just a few that come to mind off the top of my head.

Sit back, relax and breathe. You did good.

Some traits embedded in me came from your undefeated tag team parenting and some of these traits I’ve gathered in the past 30 years and I’m hoping to plant seeds of hope in you.
- I help people and I bring happiness to people. So do you.
- I love driving with the windows down and whistling.
- I am determined and challenge myself.
- I love flowers, squirrels, Nebraska, sports, music, animals, sunshine, rain, the ocean, rainbows, cars, fishing and people. I have a genuine love for life, not found in many people. Rare species that can only be described as a “Binger”.
- I believe that people do not have to be where they come from. Although it is a STRONG predictor…I dedicate my life to giving children (or anyone who needs them) the tools necessary to be resilient, strong, kind and find light in dark places.
- I’m a teacher of so much more than academics. I hold children to high expectations and guide them through life lessons much like parents do.
- You can add all things beautiful into an equation with the best of intentions and the answer might surprise you, it might still be everything you never wanted. It’s nobodies fault. Some things don’t end up the way you hoped, no matter how hard you work. It has nothing to do with you.
- You can’t change other people.
- I know people and lives are not comparable. Comparison is a root of evil that will take your happiness if you let it.
- Every single person you meet is doing the best they can with what they have.
- A person will do what they are going to do whether you are there or not. You cannot blame yourself.
- Don’t put out into the world something that you don’t want to get back.
- The meanest people need the most love. They are the ones with the deepest pain.
- For Pete’s sake just be nice.
- Life isn’t fair. Never was and never will be. Do your best anyways.
- Things won’t (always) be easy. STRONG people do hard things.
- Bad things happen to good people. How you react and what you do next is your choice.
Sometimes when we hang up the phone, I cry. I know that one day you won’t call me anymore and one day when I need advice, you won’t be there to give it to me. When I think about that, it nearly kills me. I have to work really hard to bring myself back to the present, to right here and right now before a clam moment turns into a panic attack because life without you is a painful thought and a dreadful, fearful, worry.
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I’m sure you vividly remember moments in these past 30 years where I have said hurtful things to you. You may not remember what I said, but I’m sure you remember the way it made you feel and I’m sorry for that.
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I want to take this moment to tell you, thank you. I want you to know that you are loved greatly and deeply and appreciated beyond words.
- Thank you for loving me and supporting me.
- Thank you for always doing more and being more, for me.
- Thank you for letting me make mistakes that you knew were in the making even thought it killed you to see me hurt.
- Thank you for teaching me to: ride a bike, drive a car&motorcycle, fish, change the oil, cook chicken, diagnose illness, break a fever, take care of living things and how to love without boundaries. From watching you I have learned: the value in work, education, maintaining things you care about and own whether it be relationships or vehicles, being responsible and taking care of yourself, paying off debt, helping people and doing the things you say you will do…Being brave when you’re scared, being calm in emergency situations, never giving up, and saying sorry when you need to. You have taught me great things just by being you.
- Thank you for correcting my papers and doing math homework with me.
- Thank you for never missing one of my games and playing catch with me.
- Thank you for letting me crush the cranberries and husk the corn.
- Thank you for allowing the people I love and have in my life, enter into our home and come to our BBQ’s and be treated like family.
- Thank you for showing me the value in relationships and family and always making ours work.
- Thank you for reading to me every night.
- Thank you for bringing me into the world, laughing with me, crying with me and helping me become the person I am today.
You once said, “the only thing a parent wants for a child is to see them happy”. That is all I want for you. I want to see you happy. When does it become a wash, when do we just shake hands and come to an agreement to JUST BE HAPPY? I deserve to be happy. No more or no less than the next person. As do you. Every single person on earth deserves to be happy, healthy, free and safe. The only way to do that is from the inside out.

I’m doing it. Are you?

I hope that today you can look back, reflect and let out a sigh of relief. I hope that today as people celebrate me and I celebrate you, that you celebrate all that you have accomplished with this human life that started 30 years ago.

You brought to life a girl who makes the world a better place. A girl who feels the emotions of life and is ever changing and growing into a better person.

You succeeded.

Now, my wish, do what you’ve always dreamed of, whatever it is.

This is your time and your life, I’m living mine too.

I love you. I admire you and I am proud to have come from 100% Nebraska grown, smart, loving, supportive parents.

Be still mama and dad.

Look at the flowers starting to pop. Remember what leads you to tears, will bring you to grace. Your pain is never wasted.

Smile into the sunshine.

Every time you feel the sunshine, let it warm your heart and know that you are warming mine.

When you see the moon, think of me and know that I am thinking of you too.

With love,

Your baby girl,

Rachel Ann.
March 26, 2020
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Happy, Healthy, Safe and Free 愛　
私はレイちゃんです。

私はひまわりが好きです 。

Do you know I prefer to go by RayChan

レイちゃん

Instead of RachelSan

レイチェルさん

Sounds more like LayChan. Chan ちゃんhere is used for children. San さんis used for adults. Of course I prefer Chan. It’s only natural. I even got it on my new dentist card after insisting it was what I like to be called and convincing the staff to put it on 🙂

Happy OCTOBER! 10 月

OCTOBER?! What in the world. The past month has been adventure filled and fun packed. I’ve been to one Oktoberfest (in September…I’ll never understand that). I’ve been to the dentist 歯医者…three times and I’ve spent more than 24 hours in bed on several occasions. My friend, Pamela, and I went to 鳥取　Tottori, Japan. This has been on my to do list for the past few months. We got to swim in the Japan sea and see Sand Dunes in JAPAN! Thanks Pam-for helping me get out and about and check things off my list that I’ve been wanting to do. What I love most about our adventures, is the amount of time we spend laughing. Appreciate you.

I rode my bicycle to Costco which was an hour+ ride. I did it mostly for the hotdog.

A beautiful woman made her debut in Heaven and I’ve been keeping busy since.

We had sports day, which I wrote about a YEAR AGO!! The entire school participates in an entire day filled with sports. It is an incredible sight to see. This year I understood what was happening, so it was more exciting, fun and meaningful than last year. Last year I couldn’t wrap my mind around what was happening it was so foreign and new to me.

I spent a day walking around Kobe by myself. I went there to go shopping and didn’t buy a thing…not even a coffee or lunch.

jr駅September 29^th, I did an old rail road hike with some wonderful friends. My favorite days are the ones I get to spend finding bugs/creatures with friends and their children.

I’m going to be traveling to my THIRD country in a few days!! Isn’t that something. 29 years old and just now going to the 2^nd country outside of my own. Taipei, Taiwan! I’m excited.

I’ve got a stomach bug right now which I am trying my best to pass before the flight on Thursday! It will be gone by tomorrow because I’m going to Taipei, WOOOHOOO.

学校　I start a new school next week. Once again,

I’m not afraid of where I’m going…I’m just sad about what I’m leaving.

Every school here has become a special place in my heart. I’ve grown close with students and staff and it will be hard to leave. I hate leaving…But I love arriving.

Life…生活

It’s a weird one.

I’ve fallen off the wagon a bit on taking care of myself. I’m going to get back on though and get back to it.

10/16/2019 Back from Taiwan, my last day at my current school is tomorrow and I’ve had a battle with a stomach bug, Aleve and been thinking about my next (possibly last) 9 months in Japan.

For starters, 5 days in Taiwan was enough me. I got to see some beautiful views, try new foods and explore a city (mostly by foot). We spent an entire day including the FOREVER LONG commute, in Jioufen. This is a famous destination location, mostly for people who have seen the movie Spirited Away, which I have not.

I enjoyed walking through the alley’s and seeing the treasure shops. We got to the bus stop around 11:00am where several people were waiting. Bus 1062. Don’t think I’ll ever forget that number. We were all excited and ready for this great hour adventure to a beautiful and infamous place…

The bus passed us. We laughed. As we generally do. 笑い　Then some foreigners from Shanghai who were doing the same thing as us…luckily let us tag along with them to the main bus stop. The line for the bus…I can only describe with time. It would have taken at least 3 hours to get on the bus and take a 2-hour ride with traffic. We split a cap with 4 other people and took a two-hour cab ride. I’m spending time writing about this because it was memorable for me and hilarious. I got car sick…the roads are bigger than Japan but the number of mopeds is NUTS. The amount of people that ride on one moped was a huge surprise for me. We decided to head home after a couple hours…we waited in line for a bus at least an hour…and proceeded on a three-hour journey back to town…

My world is expanding. Everywhere I go I see and learn so many new things.

Mopeds, wandering dogs and cats, people, smelly foods and treasures. The money took me a bit to figure out. I say that like I figured it out…I just multiplied the price by 3 to get an approximate amount of what the item would be in USD. Spending a 100-dollar bill there was like spending three US dollars. In Japan a one-dollar bill is like a 100-yen coin. The money is MUCH easier to convert in Japan.

10/18/19

Yesterday, I finished at my 3^rd school. It was a hard one to leave for me. Each school I leave, I think…it can’t get harder than this. But each school…it gets harder.

10/25/19 I have been at my new school for a week. Once again, students are brave. This school is much smaller than the other schools I have been at. There are about 34 students in each class. The schools before have always had 40 or so students.

おやすみねさいThe past two nights I’ve been sleeping by 9:30. My new commute is about an hour door to door. I take the bus with high school students in the morning. By the time all the students get on, the bus is so full you almost don’t have to hold on. The buses here are all MANUAL. I think that is the coolest.

I have to start planning at least one trip a month. A trip where I go stay somewhere over night. Last year I started going somewhere each weekend. I hope to get back to that.

誕生日おめでとう

My brother turned 38 yesterday! Happy birthday Tom. I always say, I wonder why so many people “grow up” and I never did. When I say grow up…I mean grow old. People stop looking for bugs, wild animals, exploring nature, laughing at little things and appreciating the small stuff. I love that I never lost that. Yesterday I realized…you never lost that sparkle either. I don’t know how I never saw this similarity between us. We love armadillo hunting, looking for animals, buying bug spray and…you know…

こどもIf a 6-10 year old would enjoy it…we would enjoy it too. I LOVE THIS. I love being like you. I’ve looked up to you since I can remember. You were my first hero. I love you TB. Happy birthday to you.

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I’ve been teaching the art of hugs. Many people give hugs where they give your back a half ass pat…those hugs make me think of insincere actions. I know that is not what people mean by them but I have been showing people how I like to embrace.

Embrace. 擁する

I’m going to a Halloween party tonight. I sure miss the spark that Halloween carries with it. Most kids here haven’t been trick or treating. When I explain it to them and make the “ding dong” sound for the doorbell, we all giggle. Here the sound for a doorbell is “pin pon”. Love it!

The Halloween party was SO FUN! I played games with children as young as 2 and up to university students. I am excited to join in on more of their games.

Guess what? It’s now November 5, 2019. That means a few things.

11月
1. My best friends’ birthday is in 20 days and my other best friends/moms birthday is in a month and 21 days! 勇敢なThanksgiving and Christmas will come and go here in Japan, nearly unacknowledged with the preparation of new year’s, starting.
2. I’m headed to Tokyo in a few weeks!
3. A friend is coming to visit from America, next week!
4. I made my first bag. It was about a half hour project. Took me 3+ hours. Hah.
5. I tried puffer fish. Poisonous fish that you must have a permit to prepare because if it is prepared wrong, it is fatal. I will never try it again. It melts in your mouth. The only thing I want melting in my mouth is pralines and cream, ice cream.
Ok, let me dig back in my calendar to see what I want to get down, so that I never forget.

I stargazed in Sasayama. The stars never let me down.

I made a new friend. 友だち

I have watched three Storks basketball games this season!

I watched the chorus contest for the second year. It was AMAZING. It blows my mind that students here learn how to sing and draw. I always wanted to feel the music. My mom was a music teacher and a flute player. She felt the music. I wanted to be like her but I just never felt the music other than the lyrics. I finally felt the music. 音楽

I watched Yuko’s son play basketball. バスケットボール

Sports day is next week. Wahoo!

I’m going to get to Kyoto to see the fall leaves changing.

冬　I got my winter clothing out. It was 55 degrees last night and it felt like FREEZING. When Spokane gets the first 55 degree day its like paradise. I guess I’m acclimated to Japan weather now.

本　I’m about finished with the book The Power of your Subconscious Mind. I’m learning the power of our thoughts and how we are what we think.

I always tell my students…if you think you can or can’t, you’re right. I think Henry Ford spoke the original quote. I spend a reasonable amount of time teaching this lesson to students…I knew it to be true but now I can see the extent of this truth.

考える　I realized at some point…the things I think usually manifest into reality. I’m learning to use that to my advantage to help me improve my life.

I’ve been thinking about what people are doing in life. If we are not making the world a better place…what exactly are we doing?

If somebody is not contributing positively to our life…why include them in it?

(Reading back through my blog…it’s interesting that I was thinking about this only in terms of people…you’ll see why).

戦い

I try my best to be good. A good person. Friend 友だち。Daughter娘. Sister 妹. I try to be better than the person I was yesterday.

It is normal to be happy and healthy. It’s not normal to be sick and unstable.

We come into this world for the most part, in perfect health, because that’s what is normal for a person and their body. Our bodies can heal themselves, but our thoughts get in the way of that.

My hair is growing. I can’t believe that I consider it LONG now! Sometimes I mohawk it or do a little combover. HAH. I have to do something with it everyday now or it is just a floppy fuzz puff. I found a sparkle or two growing in. Thought I might as well keep them. Never to young to sport a strand of glitter.白髪

Happy, healthy, beautiful, free.

The only way to get out of darkness, is with light.

To anyone in the darkest place of all.

世話をする

At what point did I start feeling sorry for you and start being afraid of you? At what point did I begin to see clearly? When was it exactly, that I knew I couldn’t heal your hurts with my love? With any amount of love…

Nobody wants to be filled with hurt. Nobody wants to feel anger take over their body…

I used to think…You choose to feed the monster within you…However, when you become so deep in addiction, you don’t make the choice to do the drug. It is like you locked yourself in jail and now you can’t figure out how to get out (how to stop). Of course, you don’t want to be there. But that “thing” is a part of your survival and you don’t just think it…you believe it.

No one wants to be an addict. But sometimes you are and when you don’t want to be anymore…you get up off the ground and build your life back up. You look for resources. They are out there. You look for the key to the cell and you let yourself out. The key is right there, in your back pocket.

Being in a dark place doesn’t make your self-worth go down. It doesn’t change others love for you even though maybe it should.

At what point will you realize you are killing the people that love you.

Why do people hurt those that are closest to them? Well I guess it’s because that’s the people that are still THERE. It’s the only people you really can hurt, those who have yet to leave.

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Speaking of beating dark with light…

I always wondered how I kept my “sparkle” …輝く

You know, my joy for catching bugs, looking for wild creatures, bubbles, rainbows and laughing. I cannot believe I EVER wondered that. Sometimes when I’m asked my hobby…I say, if an 8-year-old would enjoy it, I enjoy it. 心の子供

兄さん　My brother, who just turned 38…his wife got him a toy for his birthday. The package said 8+ years old. It was the perfect gift. When she sent me the picture of it, she said she got him what she would get any overgrown 10-year-old…or something of that sort. At that time, I realized, this is US!

遺伝子

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Maybe it’s a gene. My other brother, he is like that too. We love going outside after a rainfall and looking for worms, playing games together and laughing so hard at jokes that kids would laugh at.

That’s what we do.

I didn’t just keep my sparkle…it’s a trait that runs in the family. I think this is the greatest trait a person could ever have. You know there are good things that “run in the family” too.

家族

母と父　ありがとうございます

I just finished a week of meditations about self-esteem. I thought about what factors contribute to a person’s self-esteem and what particularly have contributed to mine. You see, your self-esteem is almost solely created before you have the choice to make up your mind about yourself. The biggest benefactor is the people who raise you, for me, my parents. Not everyone has the same support that I had as a child…and those people have to work at changing their thought patterns and challenge the negative things that have been pounded into their head their entire life.

I’m working on being present. It is easy for me to think about the future…and be filled with instant anxiety and worry.

不安　The future is not happening now. Pull it together, this is NOW. Day by day.

One of my favorite quotes that I’ve recently been reminded of is “Let go and let God”.

手放す

Let go. Let go. Let go. Sometimes the hardest thing and the best thing you can do are the same. At this point for me, the hardest thing and the right thing for me, is walking away. Removing myself from everything I’ve ever known and figuring out who I really am aside from a sister, daughter, friend, and Binger. The person that I will be when all else around me falls to an end. The person I will be when I’m standing alone. 一人で　The one thing I’ve never separated myself from before. The one thing I thought I’d never have to separate myself from.

Setting fire to yesterday -Eminem

NOVEMBER?! At that, the END of November?! Happy almost Thanksgiving.

[I have to go back to this idea of addiction.] 開発する

I thought alcoholism was something you were born with. You have it or you don’t. While that can be true, it isn’t always the case. Alcohol is addictive. The more you drink the more likely you are to become addicted. DUH. Why is that never talked about? Why do we learn about drugs and the danger of doing them, even once? ONE TIME. Why are we conditioned to fear illegal drugs…but if you choose not to drink, it means you are “recovering” or you are questioned about why you DON’T drink.

酒

I have friends that do not drink. When they tell me they don’t drink…my response has always been, “Wow, you are SMART”. I’ve always thought the choice not to drink is the best choice.

The past few years before Japan, I chose not to drink. I didn’t have the time to spend an entire day in bed the next day. I didn’t want to have to worry about how I would get home or where to leave my car. Most of all, if somebody needed me, somebody was drinking themselves, I wanted to be available to “save” them at any given moment.

When I got to Japan…I had the time to spend in bed. I don’t have a vehicle to drive and in case of an emergency, there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m across the globe.

I would call other people smart. I knew I could be smart like them…BUT going out on weekends and having a few drinks was fun for me. While I consider you smart for NOT drinking, I’d be ordering my next ビール.

I don’t like the taste. I never have.

I make stupid choices when drinking. You know why? Part of my brain SHUTS down. What in the hell.

Why I drink:

Alcohol loosens me up…

The reality: The more I drink the less functional my brain becomes. The less brain function, the stupider the choices. Yep, I can do things I wouldn’t typically do because I’ve shut down the rational part of my brain. I wouldn’t typically do it because IT IS STUPID.

If I wouldn’t usually do it, there is a reason for it. It’s probably not healthy or safe for me.

I can be social:

I can go out and be around people that I don’t know and I’ll never see again.

Reality: I can be out for a few hours with people I don’t care about and will never see again…in exchange for an entire day in bed.

Drinking makes me happy.

Reality: Yeah, okay Rachel.

You know what makes me happy? Kids. Armadillo hunting. A good cheeseburger. New experiences. Nature. Pralines and cream. Letters. Animals. Surprises and learning new things. Those are just a few things that make me genuinely happy. I wouldn’t even put drinking on my list of happies, EVER.

As I’m learning about alcohol and what it does to your brain, it supports the reality of all the reasons I thought I was drinking.

This Naked Mind- Annie Grace. If you want to control alcohol (instead of the other way around) or just be informed more…I highly suggest this. A friend suggested it to me. I think this may be the greatest gift you could give a friend. It is good knowledge to have. I don’t consider myself a person with a “problem”. I see how I went from alcohol free, to rarely drinking, to regular weekly drinking. I can see how my occasional drinking moved to more frequent binge drinking and how that could turn into a problem rather quickly.

Things I have always known to be true:

Alcohol is a dangerous monster. It ruins lives.

Alcohol doesn’t make anything better.

Alcohol takes more from me than it gives me. (Funny, if someone is not contributing to your life…why keep them in it…) If anything in life isn’t contributing good, Get. It. Out.

Things I’ve learned: Alcohol isn’t talked about as a “drug”. It’s not in the same class as heroine or meth. But why isn’t it? It kills as many people. It devastates as many families if not more. I was reading some statistics from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism…Alcohol is the third leading PREVENTABLE cause of death in the United States. If you are reading this…you probably know somebody who alcohol has stolen from you. They might still be alive…but the person you know and love, that person isn’t. 88,000 people die a year from alcohol related deaths. Tobacco use and poor diet come before alcohol. In 2010, TWO THOUSAND TEN, a study was released by a group of scientists, that rated alcohol as the most harmful drug. More than 2x more harmful than cocaine or tobacco.

怖い

Do you know why I’ve never done cocaine? I’m too scared. But I wasn’t too scared to open my first beer.

I should have been.

Why isn’t beer illegal?

I was never taught these things. I’m now looking for the research and the studies… and they are out there. The statistics aren’t out in the open for everyone to see. Not like the billboards in Montana that advertise the negative effects of meth and the lives it shatters.

Alcohol is an addictive substance. No if and or but’s about it. If you drink for long enough…you will be addicted.

Not everybody develops an addiction. The more you drink the more likely you will become addicted.

Many people suffer from alcohol use disorders but the thought that this could be them hasn’t occurred to them.

I am so proud of myself for never settling. For continuing to grow and find my happiness within myself. Settling would be staying in a relationship where I give more than the other. Anything in life where I am putting more time and energy into it than what I am getting in return.

Why is it okay to have that relationship with alcohol? Why was it so easy for me to give alcohol my Friday nights in exchange for my entire Saturday?! Why could I give alcohol my clear decision making in exchange for regret and shame. Stupid. Just stupid. I gave alcohol too much and it has given me, literally, nothing. I have given to it and it has taken from me.

成長

Finished. Done. This is not to say that I’ll never have another drink. I’m taking some time to evaluate my relationship with alcohol and I am happy that I am. This also isn’t to say anything about somebody else’s drinking. I’m sharing where I am at in my life.

秋

I spent a day in Kyoto. It was wonderful. I found an artist that I love and I followed her to an art show the following weekend in Ashiya. I will go to one in Osaka in December. When I find things that I love…I really love them.

She does wood burning. Mina_co is what she goes by! I have sent many gifts out that are her work. I have gotten myself some treasures from her too.

11/13 BBQ dinner in Osaka 🙂

11/16 I went to the cup of noodle museum! I got to make my own cup of noodles and later we took a class where we made our own NOODLES!!

友だち

池田

When we got there, we got the cups-and we designed them 🙂

After, we got to choose what we put in. (I ate mine last night and it was the BEST)

It was a wonderful day.

I met another new friend. Her name is the same as mine.

趣味

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レイチェルRachel taught me a new craft…resin. So…new hobby means new obsession. This craft might be the one I enjoy most. I’m excited to do more with it. It’s funny…Rachel and I have a lot in common. When we get to crafting, we craft hard and we love animals. So happy to have met you, my friend.

It was really nice to have you girls here. I enjoyed laughing with you and getting to see new places. Most of all I enjoyed getting to know you more. Thank you for being you. ありがとう。

新幹線　I head to Tokyo in 2 days! YAY for adventures with Ayano!

This will be my first thanksgiving outside of the USA. Some very important birthdays have happened this month and are coming soon! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY NOVEMBER friends. Love you dearly. 愛

I have to get a quick little plug out there to some people that I appreciate so very much in my life. Office staff. No matter what school I’ve been at…as a student or a teacher, I’ve always gotten along well with the office staff. I’ve created some of the greatest friendships in my life with the office staff. I’m so thankful for these wonderful people. At my new school…My friend made me these pressed flower cards to send out and a calendar for myself. I’m still adventuring with my friend from my previous school. AND I’m in contact with the wonderful women in Spokane too. The office staff…Love um, always. I appreciate your friendship and the job that you do. 秘書

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A few last odds and ends of photos.

楽しい enjoy 健康 health

安全　safety 愛 love 幸運 fortune 運 luck

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I’ve sent out a bulk amount of happy in the past week. As I was going through my address book I came across the names of friends who have moved, Liz who I have lost and relationships that have ended. Check your mail! I’ll be getting more out when I return from Tokyo.

Spread Sparkle. Be kind. Give mean people grace, they need it most.

Life changes, ready or not.

Happy Healthy Free

illie

36.204824
138.252924
November 22, 2019
Buzzed and Happy

It has been quite some time since my last post!
Summer break has come to an end. In Japan, teachers have 5 days off for summer break. I was able to make it home and refill my heart tank…like gas tank. Looking back through my calendar where I try to take quick notes of what I do each day…I’m smiling as I go through my past two months. Recap:

June: Dentist, dentist dentist.

June 18th: My baby nephew, Jax, made his debut into the world. Awaiting the day we finally meet.

June 22nd: Onsen with Sachiko and Moko, before Moko HEADED OFF TO COLLEGE IN CALIFORNIA!!!! They dressed me in Yukata and we walked the streets. It was a beautiful experience.

June 30th, I went to Awaji island with a coworker. We stayed with her family, boy was it a treat. the food was great, the company was even better and the time I spent there was refreshing. It was my first time FISHING! It was EXCELLENT! I caught more fish within a few hours than I have caught in my entire life!! You don’t have to have a finishing license here, so I’ll be going more often.

While we were fishing, we saw a beautiful string ray gliding through the water. One of my biggest joys in life is to see creatures in their natural habitat.

I made two quilts, to celebrate the birthday of some of my most valued friends here.

I just started working on my next one.

July: Fishing, Himeji, haircut, hospital, blood clot.

I got a blood clot in my hand from having to be put under for some dental work. My mom has issues with blood clots and I was worried it was more of an issue than it was. Before telling me it was a blood clot, I had X-rays, ultra sound and an MRI all for about 100$. WOWZA.

July 7th Tanabata-Star Festival. Had a FUN celebration with Spokane and Japan high school students.

July 10: AM: On my way to school my friend was not outside. Most people would not refer to this man as a friend. You see every morning on my way to work I see an ojichan (grandpa) standing outside by the biggest, most beautiful morning glories I have ever seen. He is what I imagine is like your morning cup of coffee. You look forward to it and it makes a difference in the start of your day. I look forward to seeing him. This morning he was tucked back a little further than usual and my heart began to pound. I thought he wasnt there. We always smile and wave. Sometimes I say good morning in English and he returns it in Japanese and sometimes we switch. He brings me joy. He is special to me.

Most would see a stranger, where I see a friend.

I like that about me.

PM: Went up Miya MT. [I think it was called] with my friend Yota. We saw flowers, frogs, TADPOLES, bugs, cats and a snake. We also spent some time earlier this month looking for fireflies. Never did see one.

July 14th: Festival with a coworker, in Kyoto. This festival was called Gion Matsuri. This is said to date back to the 9th century and was organized to drive out the plague. The floats parade around the city!

July 15th: Fishing, ocean front BBQ, water balloon fight and kite flying. One of the best days of my life. I saw an octopus IN THE SEA!

July 16th I was talking on the phone with my mom. I was telling her that I wanted to shave my head. We debated back and forth about it. She asked why I wanted to shave my head (which many people have asked). My response was that I wanted to learn to love myself as I am. Most people don’t understand why I did it and that’s okay, it’s my head not yours 🙂 Anyways, my mom, said, you can love yourself with hair. She’s right. But this was something I needed to do.

I sent my mom a picture the next day, of my shaved head. She said, “I knew after we talked that you were going to do it, I’d just told my friends at work”. HAH. She knows me well 🙂

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I had plans with friends the day after I shaved my head. I for some reason thought people would not want to introduce me to their families, once I shaved my head. I asked my friend if she wanted me to wait until after I met her family, to shave my head…

She asked if I wanted her to shave my head for me 🙂

July 17th, I SHAVED MY HEAD!!!!

The deed-I went in and asked a barber to buzz me up. He was weary of doing so but eventually did. I laughed the entire time and could not stop smiling.

I thought after it was done, I was going to feel different.

I thought it was going to be some huge life changing release…but I didn’t feel different. This made me realize that I do love myself…maybe shaving my head was more to see who in my life, loves the person I am inside.

When I facetimed with my nephew he said, “you look like a boy”. Gotta love the honesty of a child.

On my way home I made my daily stop at 7-11. As I parked my bike, I saw two students, whom I know well. One student smiled as big as I did (because it always makes us happy to see each other) and embraced me. Living in a place that lacks physical contact or any display of love, the fact that we hug shows the greatness of the relationship we have built. The other student stood her distance and just watched us talk. I could see the embarrassment across her face, I could feel it. A student that I knew, that I happily talked to each time we saw each other, couldn’t look at me…but I was still me…I’d be lying if I said that didn’t hurt my heart.

However…

I couldn’t believe at the age of 15, a student saw me, for me. It was inspiring and uplifting and heart changing. That is the kind of person I want to be. A person who sees every single person for who they are. I wrote this girl a letter and delivered it to her the next day in class. I expressed my gratitude and how I appreciated her, for seeing me, for me. I told her that the people need more of her, that she has the best heart of anyone I’ve met. I told her I hope to be a light for the world, like her. [Not only did she not waver when she saw me, even when her friend felt embarrassed of me, it made no difference. There is bravery and pureness in that.] She wrote back the next day, “I’m glad to have a letter from you. I understand your letter. You are you, hair or no hair. You are my very good teacher. I am happy to meet you. You are special, I love you. You are a gift to the world.”

This girl. My heart. It’s impossible for me to put into words the magic that she made so apparent, that is out there in children around the world.

In Japan the reactions for shaving my head have been better than I thought. People are very accepting. In the USA however…I felt much different. I thought it was going to be the other way around.

July 22, I went to a sunflower garden with my friend Ayano!!

First of all, I adore this girl.

2nd, OH MY GOODNESS. I’ve never seen something so beautiful. Afterwards we had dinner with her mom and dad. This family is one that I love dearly. I was yet again, nervous for these people to see me with no hair. Not only did they accept me, they treated me no differently.

Shaving my head was to learn about myself, to love my self fully and completely…but I’m learning more about other people and the amount of love that is out there.

July 25, I went to one of the most famous festivals in Osaka. Tenji Matsuri. The fireworks were amazing. They blow our fireworks out of the water.

7/27 DADS BIRTHDAY!

I went to Himeji with a coworker and her family. I adore her and I feel so honored when I get to go do new things, with families. We went to a fish factory and made food, stopped at a cat and dog picture museum and a dinosaur museum! By the end of the day the three children that were with us were showing their English skills. I love when anybody gets comfortable enough to start speaking a second language with me.

July 29th a new ALT arrived who lives above me. What a treat it is to have a friend right above me. We have had great adventures already and I’m excited to see what the next year holds! I hope to get a lot of traveling in-majority of it in Japan.

August: Suma beach, Spokane, BBQ time with my people and back to work. I spent two weeks at home in August. My mama got a hip replacement and is now doing much better!

The day after I left, my brother/his family from Texas made it up to visit. My brothers are all home right now…I don’t think the who family has ever been together without me there. I hate missing out on Aunty time.

August 14th: I got a tattoo during the day and in the evening was my Fill the happy bank BBQ get together. This is a tattoo I’ve known I wanted for a while. I have been carrying around 2 cards with me for years. One from my mom and one from my dad. In my school lunches and cards since I can remember my mom always wrote notes and drew pictures for me on my napkins. It was my favorite part of lunch. When I grew up, it was transferred to cards. The most frequent thing my mom tells me is, “You are my sunshine. I love you”. I got this in her handwriting, followed by mom and dad in their own handwriting. This is the stem of a sunflower. The sunflower tops it. We have always had sunflowers in our yard. They remind me of joy, happiness, hope and my parents.

Afterwards I went to a BBQ at my friend Lauralee’s. She hosted a BBQ before I moved to Japan. I got to see many people that I’ve been missing and enjoy the company of so many people that I love. Thank you for that.

August 15th: I got another tattoo. I have stick figures on my back. A girl and a boy. It was the first tattoo I got at the age of 18. I LOVE this tattoo. A few years later I knew I wanted a tattoo that said, “family is forever, Binger”. I didn’t want to have anything to do with the stick figures but I felt pressured and ended up getting it tattooed around my stick figures. You see, to me, kids are the simplest form of love. Pure, honest, happy, love. The real stuff. This is what my stick figures are to me. The writing around it was nice but it kind of changed the stick figures into something to do with family and that was not what it is to me.

I went in to see if I could get the script fixed up. I thought, I have this for life I might as well get it fixed up. The writing was difficult to read…and unfixable…

So, I asked the tattoo artist if he could cover it. I told him that I always wanted a swing set, rainbow, grass, flowers in the background of my stick figures. He told me what he had in mind and we went for it.

August 26^th, I said goodbye to my family and headed back to Japan.

9/2 Back to school as of today!

I am still exhausted. I’ve been back almost a week and I cannot seem to get my schedule back. I had no problem adjusting when I went to Spokane. I slept most the way. On the way back I slept all the way. I thought that would save me from jetlag…but turns out there is no saving from jetlag.

On my flight home I spend a few short minutes awake. In that time I looked out the window and saw the most beautiful sea of white. The way the clouds were moving it reminded me of the ocean which in turn means it reminded me of love. The man behind me said to his wife, “You can’t see anything, it’s just white”. But I was just thinking…”I can see everything”.

Where a man saw nothing, I could see everything.

Perspective-I’ll keep mine.

A few things I want to share that I’ve realized the past few weeks. I’m reading the book How to Love-Thich Nhat Hanh. There was a page about being you. Going to give you my cliff notes from it. Be beautiful and be yourself. Accepting your body gives you the power to see your body as your HOME. You must accept yourself as you are. This is an important practice. As you practice this, building a home within yourself, your mind and body, you become more and more beautiful. This is part of the reason I shaved my head.

The other part is so that others can see me.

I’ve been able to see more clearly the past year since I moved to Japan. I’ve been setting boundaries and making good choices for myself. I have the clarity to see situations and people as they are and I want others to see me as I am.

Last year when the school year started in Spokane, I remember crying. Last year at this time it made me more sad than happy when talking to my people at home. Sitting at the mall people watching, was when I felt the loneliest.

Now, I call home when I have time. It’s not as frequently. It makes me happy to talk with my friends and family. I can sit at the mall and enjoy people watching. These are wins for me.

This is proof of the growth that is occurring.

Japan was a mandatory move for me. If I hadn’t had this opportunity, I don’t think I would have ever become the person I want to me [which of course I’ll work on forever, but this is a huge part of my story].

Cheers to year two.

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illie

September 3, 2019
Sad should never be wrapped
Had I known how to save a life.

I use to sing that song at the top of my lungs. I thought-wow this song is real. I’m sitting here now recalling the lyrics…I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life…but does that save a life? How many nights have you stayed awake to watch a person you love, sleep… Or been a partner in crime because being the right-hand man was better than feeling like not being anything at all. (I say “you” because it’s less alienating for me.) I’ve been trying to be a life jacket for people sinking, since I can remember.

Do these people owe me anything? Absolutely NOT. Am I some super great person who saves lives? Nope. I am however, a human being who wants every person I encounter to know how abundantly loved they are.

That’s the other difficult part of life. You hear in movies and on TV, you read it in books in motivational quotes…we cannot love someone else until we love ourselves. We cannot see the ever-flowing love that others have for us, until you care about ourselves. (I say “we” because it’s less alienating for you). I always say, [to people, friends, family, students] “You are loved”. I don’t often say, “I am loved”. I’m going to start saying that more.

Before I moved to Japan my friend had a going away party for me, at her home. It felt like the first time in my life that people came together for me. Purely, for me. People came to love me. I still have a hard time with that. I think of it more as just people coming together, to share happiness. But that night as I looked around at the people who gathered, I felt and saw love.

How do you help people who seem incapable of being happy? Are some people incapable of being happy?

Anchors keep you in one place by weighing you down.

When I get too involved in helping others, the anchor gets too heavy and we both start to sink. I’m not a life jacket. I’m a human.

I’ve been pulled down, deep and one thing I’m not yet confident at is swimming back up alone.

Many people like the anchor symbol in relation to family/life. I think I prefer a tree. Strongly rooted, morals and values run deep. But the outside and the surface level “stuff” changes with each day.

People love trees. I love trees. I don’t love just one season of their beauty. I love their core. I think most people can agree on that.

Trees are not expected to stay in bloom or keep their leaves, year-round. They lose their leaves and they are still perfectly strong and beautiful. Then, green begins to return and they are still unique and perfect.

I taught a lesson about infinite worth to my students. I think I have written about this before, it’s a good enough experience to be shared again.

My students were having a hard time respecting one another and just getting along. They were unable to make the right choices if I was not there to see it.

I lined up with 5 adults from various life stages that worked at my school. Familiar faces to the children but they knew me best. 2 men and 3 women. Ages, 21-65. We each told my class about ourselves.

Our accomplishments and our downfalls. What we considered to be the most important factors in life, that made us who we were, at the time.

Then, I asked the students to line us up. Make a list beginning with who had the most worth. The person they thought was most important, to the least important.

I had one student (that girl..wow) that said, this is not possible, it cannot be done.

I forced her to do it.
1. Mr _________
2. Mr _________
3. Mrs________
4. ________
5. Miss Binger
Thinking back, I cannot remember if I was 4^th or 5^th. As the results came in and we lined up in the positions decided by 9 year old’s, I nearly dropped to my knees.

I had spent 9 months with these children. These students I had been sharing my life with, my daily love and teachings, thought I was worth less than others.

It didn’t matter where I was on the list. It was that so many kids had an easy time making this list. Students knew me best another woman BEST, and they thought the least of us, they thought we were less important than others.

Through my tears I began to explain, every single person you meet in life has infinite worth. Every single person. That means that a college graduate is no better than a person who has/doesn’t have a GED. A person with children isn’t better than a person without. No body is better than another person.

Like a tree.

Trees are all different. Some I like more. Regardless, each tree has an unmeasurable amount of worth. A flower tree that is no longer blooming, a pine tree, a tree so small you could crush it on accident. There is an unimaginable amount of potential in every tree.

There is an unimaginable amount of potential in every single person.

Every single person has immeasurable worth.Infinite worth.

This isn’t a moral I grew up with. It is one I am still learning. Once I heard the quote “every single person you ever meet has infinite worth” [Kent Hoffman] there was a shift in my heart.

I would never judge a flower for any reason-I JUST LOVE FLOWERS.

Why would I judge a person?

I have never come to know a person that I didn’t like. The key words are come to know. Hearing the story of a person and their past is not a reason to judge them, it’s a gift of seeing how a person became who they are.

5/27/19

This morning I sat outside of my school on the stairs and cried. I sat here at my computer beforehand and I could feel it coming. There was no point in trying to delay the tears or fight them. It’s crazy. The people around me are busy and going on about there day I’m sitting here feeling half heart broken. [This too shall pass.] The last thing I want is someone to ask if I’m okay or what is wrong…but at the same time this is a new situation for me. Generally, I am a cry in private kind of person. Maybe even cry in the shower so I can’t differentiate between the water and tears. I am learning how to deal with feeling invisible. That is not something I would ever promote because my goal in life is to let all people know, “I see you”. However, it is important for me to realize that I will not always be seen and that is when I must rely on myself to be my greatest support. After all, I’m the only support that will always 100% of the time, be there. At this exact moment, I’m having a difficult time doing that.

Last year, if I made it through the week without crying, it was a WIN. Now, here I am crying for that year and those children. Goodness, we had a tough year but boy, did we love fiercely and make the perfect family.

I’ve been so happy to be here in Japan and learning how to be a better teacher and person that I haven’t felt what I’m feeling now. I’ve been thinking about how 2 years in Japan isn’t long enough and how fast time goes.

But maybe 2 years here is perfect. One year down and I’m crying for the children I was lucky enough to teach. This time of year is when my third grade family would really come together. I could see and feel the growth of those little humans and I would be so proud of how far we came, together. Academic growth but most importantly the growth of our hearts. Nothing made me happier than seeing a child help a friend up, give them knuckles for trying, or rebound the ball for a friend and let them try again. Here, I switch schools every six months. I have made some great relationships and come to know many students and I am grateful each opportunity here.

To my past students: I miss you. You are a giant part of who I am and who I want to be. Thank you, for being you.

5/31/19 summer is sneaking up.

Students in Japan are out of school from July 20 until the End of August. Teachers have a FOUR DAY BREAK. FOUR DAYS. While students are on summer break I will have “office days”. These are days where I am in an office…by myself or potentially with another ALT.

I am hoping to do two things this summer. See my new nephew in Texas and see my mom before/after her hip surgery. Those are two things that I NEED to do.

Today is the last day of May. It is uncomfortable how fast time goes. June is a busy month. There are no days off school during June.

I started eating healthy. I’d been doing that for about a week. I was eating non-processed food. [Mostly fish and veggies.] One night I decided not took cook and I had an adult beverage. The next day, I was dying. I think my body HATES pizza and adult beverages. I’ve never taken such time away from ANY food. I’ve always ate what I wanted to eat, when I want. When I woke up the next morning, my throat hurt, my lips were oddly, red and my body felt weak.

Those things must be like poison to my body. I never knew though, because that is the way I have always eaten. Waking up with a headache, having a stomachache, feeling allergy like symptoms became my normal. Now, I must decide if food/adult beverages are worth an entire day of feeling physically, sick.

I always joke that I figured out how to beat lactose intolerance. You just have to give your body so much of it that it becomes immune to lactose. I was eating a quart of ice cream a day. Eventually my stomach no longer hurt. When you can’t beat um, join um! Just do enough of it to where your body gets use to it.
Just kidding. I did do that, but any health professional would say there is something the matter with me.

I’m trying to stop taking Tylenol. I try to be preemptive with headaches and bite them before they consume me. 95% of days, I have a headache so I’ve adapted to taking Tylenol 100% of the days.

6/3/19 Happy June.

6/18/19 Oh my gosh. June is half way over.

Where is time going? The past few weeks have been full of anxiety, tears and sleep-while trying to keep all the happies in clear sight.

Last Friday, I went home and went to bed around 4pm. Not a nap, bed. I woke up the next morning around 8AM. I decided to get myself out of bed, even though staying in bed was clearly the easier choice.

I rode by bicycle an hour to get to an Onsen. I was excited to relax and have some time to myself at a hotspring that was new to me. I walked in, proud of myself for biking there, locating it and doing it all by myself.

Walked in and said “Onsen!” and the staff handed me the rules of the Onsen, in English. Wahoo.

Half way through [skimming] I see no body paint…I was relieved…but then I read that statement closer. No body paint or tattoos allowed. I pointed to my “illie” tattoo and said, okay? The employee said no, sorry.

I walked out, crying. I stood there crying for about 5 minutes-until the rain began to POUR. Not some light, no umbrella needed kind of rain. A kind of rain so hard that even cars were pulling over. My tears turned to a brief madness and before I knew it I was reminding myself to “dance in the rain”.

My Brief madness was about being judged. Japan is very strict. Rules apply to every single person and nothing is ever situational. Sometime life requires you to hear a person’s story or situation in order to accommodate or help them to the best of your ability. Sometimes you must listen.

I know that the rules are in place for a reason.

I understand and respect that.

It was a reminder to me that I appreciate compassion and empathy and a place where people are willing to look at the person in front of them.

I had some dental work done about a week ago. It wasn’t as terrifying as I thought it would be, but it was still pretty stinking scary. I got the laughing gas for the first time in my life. I didn’t feel any more relaxed?

I got some fillings removed and covered back up…until my appointment next week when I will get my princess crowns. The only crowns I’ll ever wear.

6/25/19

It’s the end of June. WHAT.

Father’s day was last Sunday. Another day of the year that I adore. I try to celebrate my dad far more often than once a year-but I sent him some extra love VIA snail mail for father’s day. My dad has the hardest job of any person I have ever met. My parents’ job is never ending. There are no hours of rest or days without worries.

Do you know all your parents want? Their greatest wish…

It is to see their children happy.

I have a whole lot of love for you dad. I have to reserve it for myself right now because my happy tank light is flashing, empty. For the record, I am happy. You and mom are the greatest team and I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am, without you.

I’ve been missing home. I wanted to hug my mom and I have a friend who personally delivered her a hug within 24 hours of me asking. Terry, you have always been my Angel on Earth. I love you and appreciate all that you are. Thank you.

A new Binger entered the ring on June 18^th weighing in at a whole 8 pounds 4 ounces. Baby Jax is here. My newest/second nephew. This is my first summer not spending a month in Texas or with my first born nephew. Usually we spend a month dinking around, playing at the park and laughing together (until mom and dad get home, then he pretends he doesn’t know me).

Last weekend I went to an Onsen with Sachiko and her family. Her daughter is heading to college in the states next week! We visited our last Onsen together…and they dressed me in Yukata!! It was a big happy for me. For all of us.

We got burgers at one of our favorite places after. They restocked their stickers. I love their stickers…so I bought 30 of them…? As my dad would day “you went a little cooky didn’t you?” I sure did…and now I wish I would have bought more.

I attended the Spokane/Nishinomiya sister city welcome party for students that are here from Spokane. I met Yuko there. We laughed, a ton.

Afterwards we listened to live music and enjoyed an evening together. This, was a good day. Sunday, I watched students play volleyball. I love when I get the chance to see students play sports. I don’t remember a teacher ever coming to watch me play sports…but my dad was always there.

Speaking of Angel’s on Earth…I lived next door to one most of my life. That woman, Liz, is so much more than a neighbor to me. My neighbor moved. Saying that sounds pitiful when I think of the situation. Liz wasn’t just my neighbor. She is a friend, grandmother, an open ear/shoulder, a support, a smile…and that’s just a few words to describe what she is to me. When I visit home I always make a visit to her. Now that she’s in a different state I’m going to have to find a little more time to squeeze in our porch visit…but I hope that I can. Love you Liz.

I went back to finish my dental work yesterday.

Guess who cracked the crowns during the fitting…

This girl….

I was just saying how I was starting to enjoy the dentist…I need to learn to just keep my mouth shut. Hah. Every man in my family has been trying to teach me that lesson for years.

I must have cried for 3 hours yesterday. I felt bad that I cracked the crowns. I felt bad because my appointment was so long and I didn’t want to be in pain but I was. I was crying for so many reasons and the only way I got the tears to stop…was to walk. My friend Sachiko has spent HOURS with me at the dentist. Translating. She should be paid from both ends. Unfortunately, I couldn’t finish any of the work that needed to be done. I will go back and be put under to resume what was started. L

My eyelids were swollen this morning and my head is still pounding. Nothing like a cry hangover to begin the day.

Now that it is the end of June…I can tell you that nearly the entire month of June has kicked my butt. Looking back, it actually started in May.

6/26

Cried on the phone with my best friend yesterday.

Got a package from my mama including hot tamales from my dad. Got a card from my sweet Kristy.

I get sad that I can’t be at home to hug and cheer my parents up (be their sunshine). But my friend Sachiko said that the sun shines across the ocean and can still be felt even though I’m here. I loved that. But yesterday, I experienced that. My people in Spokane have been a big source of sunshine for me the past few days. Thank you for that. You have helped me and I feel your love. You have been a big part of getting out of bed in the morning.

Tomorrow I get to celebrate YUCHAN’s BIRTHDAY!!!! In Japan, birthdays aren’t a big deal. I guess at home they really aren’t a huge deal either…

But in Japan birthdays are almost nonexistent. I feel happysad to be celebrating people and making a big deal about their birthdays. Happy because I am glad I get to love/appreciate/celebrate them on their special day, but sad that I might be the first person to ever make a big deal about the day they were BORN.

I think it is kind of exciting for my friends here. Excitement might not be the right word. But I think it is a new love that some are feeling for the first time.

Birthdays of loved ones…the greatest holiday of the year.

Some happies:

Firefly hunting (looking)

Seeing students playing in the river, shoes off, laughing

Package from home

Letters from friends

7/3/19

Happy July. At the end of this month I will have been in Japan for an entire year. I’m still trying to figure out where my heart and mind are at. Life doesn’t usually kick my butt like it is right now.

I went to Awaji Island for the weekend and had an incredible time. I got to spend time with children which can heal anybody’s hurts.

I’m trying to say yes to as many opportunities as I can. I will go to a few upcoming festivals and spend time with friends.

The easy thing to do is go home and go to bed. Which I’ll admit…some days I do. But, I’m trying not to.

Got put out for my dental work a few days ago. I remember it still hurting a little. I have one more appointment left and the work in that area of my mouth is finished. I’m pretty friendly with the staff at my dentist now. They have seen me laugh, cry, sleep…they know me well.

I have yet to wrap this blog up because there is no good way to wrap up sad.

July I am looking forward to the star festival, a trip to Kyoto, my dad’s birthday, an adventure with new friends and hopefully some time to reflect, grow, let go of anger, and find myself again.

Also, I have shaved half of my head…. 😮

Glad to be living where the sun always rises.

illie.

Come on Rachel. Let’s do this.
July 3, 2019
Growing Pains

I’ve been working on a blog since my last post in May…but my heart and brain are just too exhausted to continue it right now.

So here you have it. The pictures to tell my story of the past month.

letter from my darling

favorite Ramen

Favorite Burger

Playing

Kanji for my name 🙂

Rachel and Rob

health check up

tea time

men in black

BABY time

June 20, 2019
Because I have changed

4/10/2019

Entrance ceremony was today. If you have never heard of or seen an entrance ceremony, you need to google it. The gym is decorated and parents, students and staff welcome new students (1^st graders). The band is playing, everybody claps for an extended period of time while the new class members walk in. There are flowers, music, clapping, and speeches to welcome the new students. I’ve never seen anything like it. The beginning and end of things are celebrated here-many ceremonies.

I’ve been going to the river each day after work to admire the cherry blossoms. I can’t get enough of the beauty and happiness of a single cherry blossom. I always say that babies bring people together. I find magic in a variety of things but especially in babies.

Children have the power to bring families together and put sparkle back in people that have lost it. There is joy, love and happiness that stems from the presence of children.

In Japan I see this exact magic in cherry blossoms.

There are people sitting below cherry blossoms in every direction. I hear laughter, camera shutters, cans opening and the running river. I see couples, families, friends and children all enjoying the company of one another. People are eating, drinking, playing games and people are genuinely, happy. I even see people like me, enjoying the beauty by themselves.

I feel magic. Sakura season brings people together.

There are these poles that I imagine are to keep cars of walking paths. They are about three feet tall. I have nearly walked into them while I’m looking up at the flower trees. (My dad has experience with these…I learned from his mistake.)

I’m headed to Wakayama this weekend. I’m excited to go back.

I went to Yuasa, Wakayama all of Saturday, stayed the night and headed home early on Sunday. Check out was at 10:00 AM and I started to feel an intense sick feeling around 9. I walked the beach in hopes that fresh air, crystals and shells would help whatever this feeling was, pass. I also wasn’t going to miss out on one last beach comb, even if I did feel miserable.

The train I planned on taking home was cancelled. HAH. Of course it was. My two hour journey…took six hours. At one point I was suppose to switch trains. I missed that opportunity and took an hour detour. Oops.

4/23/19

Next week is a holiday in Japan. Golden week. I heard before moving here how big of a deal golden week is. However, this year it is extra special. For the first time in 50 some years there will be 10 days off in a row! You know what that means.

Father will be here.

5/10/19

Hard to believe that Golden Week has already come and gone. I’ve been back at work for an entire week.

5/13/19

Quick flashback of April.

Cherry blossoms.

School party.

Nishinomiya Storks basketball game.

Old Spaghetti factory

chipped tooth

Chichi arrived

Treasure stores

Tigers game

May:

Osaka Aquarium

Nishinomiya Marina Celebration-new Emporer

Beach days at Suma

Shell collecting and crab hunting

Dentist x2

Little China Town

Nishinomiya beach-Kite flying and crab hunting

This day-my dad used his famous reverse psychology. “You can’t ride your bike through the sand.”

Tell me I can’t and I’ll show you I can.

Which I did…until the sand got too deep and I had this terrible, horrible, slow motion fall, into the sand. I was laughing too hard to get up and my bike was on top of me. My dad was watching from afar. After being on the ground laughing for a few minutes, a woman came and pulled my bike off of me. I was laughing from embarrassment and because falling off your bike is always funny, as long as you are okay. Then a group of children came and asked me if I was okay.

Children’s day

Dad left

I go to a Special Education school once a month. The teachers are some of the best I have ever seen. The way they care for the students and know each one is inspiring.

All sorts of new things at Mikura, in Kobe. I went to this amazing restaurant with my friend, Ayano. [When my bag didn’t make it to Japan, Ayano was the one who helped me at the airport-that is when our friendship began.] We went to her parents restaurant where I tried food I never thought I’d EVER eat.

I started by trying those tiny little [whole] squids and the fish with the skin. There was clam, squid, octopus, tuna and many more finely prepared fish. It was displayed beautifully and prepared by Ayano’s family. Her parents are the owners of this fabulous place. The tempura was the best I have ever had. Maybe, the best food I have ever had.

When I experience new things like this-I feel like a child. I am surprised and in awe. My facial expressions and the sounds I make, are a show for people to watch. Which I don’t mind…I love when I see a children experiencing something for the first time. I’d enjoy watching me too, where the same joy, surprise and happiness that is displayed by a five year old can be observed in a 29 year old who is just seeing a new world, for the first time.

Sei Tai-massage, muscle stretching, chiropractic work. AMAZING.

Out and about. Met new friends and a furry one 🙂

And this brings us to present day. Mother’s Day in the USA.

I know many wonderful mothers. Grandmothers who are mothers for the second time ‘round. People who care for children that may not call them, mom. I celebrate many people today, but most of all, my own Mama.

Mom’s are so busy with life and children that it seems like it would be easy to forget:

you have a little human who wants to be just like you.

I remember having the thought when I was younger-how can we all call an amazing, caring, loving, woman by the same name? How can every single mother, be called mom?? How can I call my mom by the same name everybody else uses for their mom?!

I thought that each mom should have a name that is special to her, because each mom is special.

But it isn’t the name that is special. It is the woman behind the name.

Some people don’t associate the word mom with love, sunshine, happiness, flowers, support, animals, and joy-like I do. When I say I want to be a mother-I don’t mean I simply want a child.

I want to be that deep rooted starshine for a child. I want to be my mom, for my own. My mom brings sunshine to not only my life, but all who know her. I have the pleasure of saying, “I’m just like my mom, we love everything and anything makes us happy”. I can only hope that one day I have a child who loves me as much as I love my mama. My mom would read to me until I fell asleep. She would get me my favorite popsicles when I was sick. When I need to know how to cook chicken [or anything] I still call her. When I don’t know what to eat for dinner, I call my mom and she decides.

We laugh. My mom refills my heart. I miss you mama and I wait for your time in Japan.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mama.

I’m missing my favorite time of year in Spokane. I love when the grass is greener than ever and all that was sleeping during the cold is coming back to life. I’m already dripping sweat here.

I have a daily battle with my hair. I like to have it up high so it’s off my neck-but when it is up high I can’t wear my ball cap. [Therefore, they made visors.] However, I have not yet brought myself to get one. I guess I’ll do that this week. The thought of shaving my head has also crossed my mind a dozen times, but I’m too scared to just do it.

I’ve began to experience a different kind of joy, love and life that is new to me.

The more I love life and myself, the more life loves me back.

My thoughts shape my days. I’ve always been a positive person, maybe more so on the outside. Now I radiate happy because I’m positive on the inside. I guess my way of thinking has changed which is changing me.

This reminds me. My dad’s first visit here, we were talking with somebody about my first month here. I was explaining how people never smiled at me or said hello. They told me, “just wait, in a few months everybody will be saying hello and talking to you”. I thought…Hmmh, maybe they just have to see me around the neighborhood enough and be comfortable with me before the conversations begin.

9 months later, I don’t go out the door without seeing a student or saying hello to somebody. I told my dad this and he saw it when he was here. We thought of what the man had said about everybody saying hello in a few months.

My dad said something along the lines of,

“I don’t think it’s because the people here changed, I think it’s because you changed”

Holy goodness. How powerful is that?

Because I’ve changed.

Yesterday, I went to my favorite Ramen Shop. Really just my favorite place in Japan. There was one seat open, in between two strangers. 10 months ago, I would have left. Yesterday, I squeezed right up in there without hesitating.

As I sat there, I thought…this is where it all began.

My first day in Japan. Rai Rai Tei is where it all started.

My change.

My love for Shirohige and Onepiece.

My appreciation for unspoken communications.

My love for Japan and myself.

Yesterday when I sat down, the employee pointed to what I always get and I said, “yes”. This is the majority of our communication. Yet, I love these people, the restaurant and I am comfortable here. We have never communicated in one another’s language, but we communicate. I look forward to seeing the staff and I feel welcome. I enjoy everything about this place and I go at least once a week. This is a special place for me. This new happiness, it began, there.

There are so many point cards used in Japan. I am a proud card holder for two craft stores and a mall.

The super nintendo is different for foreigners. The one they use here looks different.

Mother’s Day is not as big of a deal as it is in the USA.

Students are having a trial week. They are all out at different jobs, seeing what it is like for a week, in a work place!!

I am going to be helping some elementary students learn English a few times a month.

For the amount of time I have spent studying Japanese, you would expect me to be fluent. I’m uh…beginner level. Japanese is DIFFICULT.

I use a calendar now.

I’ve stayed up a few times until the sun comes up-who knew I was such a youngster still. I didn’t know I had that in me.

I stopped using my heat about a month ago. I started leaving my windows open…Now I think it is going to stay cooler if I keep everything shut!

Students here have 220 days of school, compared to our 180.

Students have club activity on weekends, which means teachers do too. One day off a week (maybe) for most teachers.

When I get home, I take my shoes off without thinking about it.

Chopsticks are easier to use for some foods-like noodles.

Most students are seeing green eyes for the first time, when they see mine. My skin is finally starting to clear!! YAY!

I’m in need of some new shorts now that summer is arriving. Even in the USA I hate shopping for shorts/janes. Finding a good fit is rare. Here, I have not had the energy to look, yet. However, the rising temperatures will force me to, soon.

illie

May 13, 2019
Memories in the making

3/12/19

These are some quotes I have come across, that made me feel something.

Hugging is the most beautiful form of communication that allows the other person to know beyond a doubt that they matter.

It is hard for me to understand why people don’t hug here. To hug once a day would improve the mind, body, and soul.

If you want something you’ve never had, then you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.

The only person you should be better than, is the person you were yesterday.

When you are counting the blessings and beautiful things in your life, don’t forget to count yourself.

It’s ok. You just forgot who you are. Welcome back.

Feel.

feel.

I feel everything. I always have. I’ve encountered situations in my life where I thought it would be easier to feel nothing instead of uncomfortable pain. It would be easier.

Something I begin teaching children at the young age of 8 is:

Don’t take the easy way out.

When you begin taking the easy way out, it becomes a habit. The easy way out has a wide range of meanings. It could mean: Sleeping in for 30 extra minutes [instead of going for that run you SWORE you would go on]. Drinking coffee [instead of the water bottle on your desk you’ve been staring at all day]. Not drinking liquid/water [because you hate having to go to the bathroom frequently]. Saying no to new things. Not trying. Putting the pencil down when learning is difficult. Walking up the hill because the burn from riding is just too much.

At some points in my life, I enjoyed the easy route. It was never the path designed or designated for me…but I chose it. Last week I’ve taken the easy way out in each example I gave…However, today, I have only had water. I did sleep in an extra 15 minutes [instead of 30] this morning but I WILL make up for that this evening. [For the record…I didn’t make up for it. I took a nap and then when to bed]. The easy way out for me, is keeping to myself, eating cheeseburgers and ingesting caffeine. Unfortunately, the easy way out often brings instant gratification as well as short-term happiness. The easy way out is a form of distraction, keeping us from successfully DOING what we want to DO.

I feel, deeply.

I love largely.

3/13/19

After work I laid down for a quick recharge. What was supposed to be a thirty-minute nap turned into a 2 hour sleep. When I woke up, I was frazzled. My wall clock said 7:45. That meant I had 15 minutes to get dressed and out the door for work. [I don’t know why I was worried…Most days I’m out the door within 20 minutes of waking up.] I had to double-check the time by looking at my watch. I then had a 3^rd and 4^th confirmation by looking at my phone twice. I couldn’t figure out how long I slept for, I think that is why I panicked. Was I sleeping for 12 hours, a whole day, a week?! Once logic kicked in I wondered why it was dark out and why I was still wearing my clothes that I wore to work…

It was 7:45 pm, SUCH a special treat. I like to think this only happens when you are having the greatest nap of your life which explains why this hasn’t happened to me in YEARS. Got up, ate [duh] and went back to bed. Today is Wednesday and I am finally feeling well rested from the weekend. My friend has a house in Sasayama. We went out there in search of wild animals. I saw 0 but the company was great so no disappointment.

We went to an onsen which has got to be one of my favorite Japan activities. Onsens are Japanese hot springs. The experience is similar to a public bath but the onsens have indoor bathing and outdoor. Onsens use natural hot water from geothermally heated springs and this is what makes them different from public baths which are heated tap water.

About 50 % of onsens have banned bathers with tattoos. This was done to keep gang members out. Some people are granted entrance with tattoos, if tattoos are covered. I have not been to an Onsen yet that is tattoo-friendly but I hope to visit one sometime. My goal is to visit as many onsens as I can while I am in Japan.

The experience of an onsen is an interesting one. This wouldn’t be my usual goal, comfort zone, or enjoyment. When you go to an onsen you get a locker. Here, you undress [completely]. You then wash your body/hair before getting into a small pool sized hot spring. During this time there are a number of people doing the exact same thing you are. When I walk in, the nakedness startles me but before I know it I’m walking around in my birthday suit too.

I don’t know that I would do this in the USA. People would be staring, comparing and judging. I don’t know that I would want to go do this activity with my friends at home either.

Here, it is a normal and enjoyable activity. It’s not strange to be walking around naked or sharing a space with naked strangers. I’ve been to hot springs in Idaho…but everyone wore their swimsuits in it. I appreciate the tradition behind onsens and the rich experiences I have at them.

I’ve decided that I will go to Kyoto for the weekend. I’m ecstatic. I am going to stay in a hostel. I’m going to be staying in a place other than my own, by myself, for the first time. I’m trying to fulfill my needs of adventure, exploration and personal growth.

03/18/2019

I left Friday after school for Kyoto. What should have been an hour and a half commute ended up being about a three-and-a-half-hour commute. I got on 2 wrong trains. Learning experience. I checked in at the hostel Friday night and walked around town. Saturday, I went to my first world heritage site, Nijo Castle. I made a round at Nishiki Market, went in a hedgehog café and ended up walking in total about 15 miles.

Sunday was similar walking wise. I spent hours at the Kyoto City Zoo. It was raining so their were few people wandering around and I was happy to be seeing the animals so the rain didn’t bother me.

This was my first time staying in a hostel. Imaya hostel in Kyoto was superb. The most important feature of any place for me is that I feel safe. I felt safe the entire time and I was comfortable. This was probably some of the best sleep I’ve gotten while in Japan and I was in a cubicle like space in the bottom “shelf”. I LOVED it. Now that I have made it out for a weekend adventure by myself, I am excited for my next. This might be an every weekend type of activity…once I return from seeing my mama. Shortly after my mama got out of the hospital for blood clots, she was in a car accident. WHAT IN THE WORLD. After hearing that I decided it was necessary to go home and hug my mama. Cherry blossom season is coming in beautifully. I hope to not miss the peak of the season when I am visiting home.

I have 2 days left at the junior high I am at. Two days with some of the most wonderful humans I have come to know in Japan. The students (are too old to call kids but too young to call friends) are so special to me. I want to be a high school teacher eventually, but junior high is a special time. I wonder how it compares with USA middle school. I said goodbye to staff and students today in an assembly. Students gave me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers that I have ever received!

Students who I have seen out and about or even at school that I have taken photos with are printing them and putting them on cards. They are the most thoughtful and lovely gifts that I will cherish forever. I love my job. I was crossing my fingers that I wouldn’t cry when I finish up here. Now, I’m wondering why I thought of it as a negative thing. I may or may not cry. If I do though, it is because the people I have met and the place I have been have a place in my heart. Crying is not a weakness.

4/1/19

I have been back in Japan for less that 24 hours. I spent a loving 9 days in Spokane with my family and friends. I slept with the dogs, stayed up all hours of the night with my mom and putted around town to see as many friends as I could. Now I understand why my brother never wanted to tell people when he would be in town…there isn’t enough time to see everyone that you want to. My last day at school before I headed to the USA, I attempted to sneak out without having to say goodbye. A few friends caught me, forcing me to say, see you soon.

The reason I was able to go home is because my brother works for United Airlines. Due to the cost and time off that I have to take, I wouldn’t be able to afford it if I was paying full price. On my way home, I was planning to take a detour to Texas, for a day. I should have known that the flights would be full the day of my arrival. Flying standby has been a Rosethorn. I’ve spent an unimaginable time in the San Francisco Airport. I’ve even spent nights there. I got home just in time to snuggle the dogs while the three of us fell asleep.

My first stop after seeing my family, was to the school that I teach at. I spent 2 days of my 9 there. I could have spent more.

That place is where a job became my life, a staff became my family, and students became my children.

I got to see some of my children and remind them of how loved they are.

I was able to be home for the last day of TAG. Four years ago, I got lucky enough to join 4 friends who play grown up tag every March. This game of tag keeps the five of us connected even though we are all now at different schools and different stages in life. Each year the game gets more intense. Throughout the month of March, the person who is it is recognized by the lanyard they have, with a duck on it. When tagging a person, you must pass the lanyard off to the next person. Whoever is it on the last day, is “IT” for the rest of the year.

If you know me, you know I LOVE BIRTHDAYS. Birthdays are the best holidays. I especially love my birthday. I don’t often hear people say they enjoy their own birthdays. It seems like it is kind of selfish to say, but why wouldn’t you love your own special day?! I spent my birthday with my family and concluding this years game of tag. I usually send my mama flowers on my birthday. I think my birthday is a special day for my mama. I mean it is the day she gave birth…the day she brought me into this world. Shortly after my birthday I departed for Japan. This was the first time that I cried when leaving home.

I’ve been back in Japan a week and haven’t slowed down a bit (minus the night I laid down for a nap at 5pm and woke up the next day at 5am). I’ve been moving furniture and cleaning up the last remains of winter and the mold brought by the humidity.

I put my winter clothes away and got out my summer clothes. People here are still wearing jackets and I’m down to short sleeves and jeans! This is the most wonderful time of the year.

It is Sakura season right now. Sakura=Cherry blossoms.

I adventured to Nara and stayed in a hostel for a night.

I went to a restaurant where I was having dinner (alone). When I attempted to pay the man told me that the men who walked out before me, paid my tab. This random act of kindness made me HAPPY. I tried to catch the men to thank them, but when I got outside they were gone. I do things like this at home. I guess I haven’t done it here because of the language barrier. When going out with friends or eating dinner people generally pay separately and only pay for their meal. That is what made this so surprising. Happy Happy. The next day I stopped at a ramen shop for lunch. As I sat at the counter, in between two strangers, I couldn’t help but smile.

I am happy to just be me.

I am happy to go out to a ramen shop alone and eat a delicious meal next to strangers. I enjoy walking around new cities by myself maybe even more so than with the company of others. I’m loving the time I spend with myself. A year ago, I would have told you that I hate to be alone and I hate spending time with myself. Heck, 6 months ago I probably would have told you that. Up until this point in my life, I avoided spending time with myself. I didn’t like myself enough to be my only company for hours YET days on end. I am proud of myself. I don’t think that thought has ever crossed my mind before now.

When I got back to Nishinomiya, my bike had a flat tire. I needed to get a valve cap for my tire. I went to a bike shop and the man fixed it and said no charge! It has been a feel good week.

4/8/2019

Yesterday, I went with my friend Yuko to admire the cherry blossoms around Shukugawa. It was AMAZING. The river banks and walkways were covered with picnickers. It was heartwarming to see how the cherry blossoms in bloom bring people together.

Today is my first day at my new school. The first day back to school for students and the start of a new school year. The new teachers were introduced at the opening ceremony and we each had a short speech. Guess what? I have a pant suit on. I don’t despise it like I thought I would.

The things I once thought were outrageous and surprising about Japan I no longer notice. (No trash cans and yards. All the bicycles and bike parking.) I’m starting to feel less like a foreigner and more like a person who lives in Japan 🙂

[I put XO on the chalk board here. A students said, X, zero? I love sharing things like this…language that I never would have thought was unknown. ]

Until next time,

illie

April 8, 2019
Beverly Hills, 90210

Time…the only thing that never stops.

A flyer was hanging in the staff room where I was teaching third grade. That was 2.5 years ago when I applied to be an ALT in Japan. The first year, I did not get the job. I was devastated. January came around, 2018 and I thought…I’m going to try one more time. I applied and interviewed for the same position. February 4th of last year I received the call that I was chosen for this job. 13 months ago (almost to the day) the excitement began.

[13 months later-current day 日本]

People don’t say “Happy Valentine’s Day” here. My dad and I went out for sushi. It was his first time EVER having sushi…he loved it. I couldn’t figure out how to order what I wanted. I asked for help (which I would have never done before) so I know I’m getting braver. Much like Christmas, Valentine’s day felt like just a regular day here. I always liked Valentine’s day-not because it’s all about romantic love but because it is about spreading love. I celebrate Valentine’s day with my students in America. We all make Valentine’s for each other.

I remember being a kid, excited to pick out a special Valentine for each person. In the Valentine boxes you would get a few Valentines that were clearly messages for the person you found cute, the teacher and your best friend. I wonder if I was the only person who put special thought into who got what Valentine-at such a young age?

My dad has already been gone 2 (almost 3) weeks. I had an incredible time. I enjoy when he is here because it forces me to get out and explore. Sometimes, I prefer sleeping all day and not changing out of my pajamas. I hate to do that when I am in Japan…when my dad is here I know there will never be a day spent at home in pajamas. I like that.

We spent at least one week trying to find a place we had been…a crazy busy place with lights, people, shops and barely enough space to cross the road comfortably. After going to Osaka for the 3rd time trying to find this exact street…I remembered we had to take a subway to get to this secret location. Okay, it’s not a secret. It is Namba. A place more packed than I have ever been. This ended up being a BIG day for us. Maybe too big…We were out and biking or walking for at least 12 hours and by the time we got we were BEAT, hurting and unable to move. The next day my dad departed and it took him nearly 24 hours to get back home. Me, I went to bed at 7pm.

I’m trying to find the motivation myself, to get out and explore on weekends even without somebody here to explore with. I hate the feeling like I am wasting time and missing out on new experiences when I stay home for an entire weekend. This weekend I NEEDED to stay home to have a leak fixed in my apartment. Sunday, I did get out and go spend a day at the zoo. I had that happysad feeling while I was there.

That has never been a feeling I get at the zoo but I have never been to the zoo alone. I spent a lot of time watching each of my favorite animals. Some seemed happy as ever and others seemed lonely. I saw emotions in animals that I feel myself.

Animals are too good for people, but we need animals. I have loved animals since I was a young child. I’m thinking about my dogs right now. Dogs are the only friends/family that never let us down. They are the only living beings that will be excited to see you each and every time you come home, whether it has been 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 years. Thinking about the bond people create with dogs is incredible. The bond dogs create with people is incredible. I got my first very own dog, Sawyer, after we lost our greatest family member of all, Winnie.

She was the best dog I’ll ever know. I got Sawyer and my mom got Barkley, the cutest brothers of all. When Sawyer was a puppy he was goofy, playful, the best snuggler and (still is) my biggest love. Barkely, he’s a lover, napper, jacket loving sweetheart, with the best smile. Our first dog that has ever, SMILED!

When Sawyer was/is sick, I felt/feel sick. When I was sad, Sawyer was sad. when I was happy, Sawyer was happy. When Sawyer was hurt, my heart hurt. If Sawyer doesn’t like somebody…chances are I won’t either.

It is beyond words to describe the relationship that a human can make with a canine.

In Twilight, the Vampires-they choose one. What do they call it, imprinting? It’s like a dog chooses one human to love and protect for all of their existence.

It’s like my dog is here to do this hardest thing in the world…love me unconditionally, every day, for his entire life.

I miss people, hugs, driving, ketchup and ranch with my fries…but most of all, I miss my dogs.

The hardest part of being away from home, is being away from the dogs. I’ve said this several times. Mostly to myself. I was somewhat embarrassed of the statement. Then today I realized, why would I be embarrassed for loving my dogs unconditionally, the way that they love me?!

The hardest thing about missing animals is that there is no way to communicate with them. Over any technology, the voice is unrecognizable. I have no way to let them know that I didn’t leave them…I love them and I miss them. I’m ashamed that I was uncomfortable with saying out loud that most of all, I miss my pets.

If you have never felt the love and friendship of a dog and cannot understand my feelings, I’m sorry for you. Dogs are a miracle sent from above.

In a month, I will be moving to a new school. In a week, 9th grade students will be done with junior high. Preparing myself for the high possibility that I will cry at graduation. I remember listening to Vitamin C-graduation song after each graduation (6^th grade, 8^th grade, 12^th grade). Beginning with my first graduation in elementary school-I cried. Since I have been teaching, at the end of each school year, I cry. It’s the leaving part.

I’m not afraid of where I’m headed. I’m sad about what I’m leaving.

Transitions are happy, sad, scary, exciting and inevitable. I recognized this at a young age and I still feel the exact same about change.

I’m going to miss the students and staff here. Every six months, ALT’s switch schools. That means, a new bike ride, new staff, new students. HappySad.

Last week I send out 10+ letters. I’ve got a few post offices that I am a regular at. However, I FORGOT to stop on my way home on this day. I had to go to the main post office that is open late. While trying to send off my letters the employee was telling me no. Now, I understood what she was saying. No problem. However, I send mail out at least once a week and never had trouble before. I was sending my brother a bell. She said goods and letters/writing cannot be sent together. It ended up being more of a task than it should have been. I opened the perfectly sealed mail to show her the bell. There was a sticky note on the bell-which I had to take off in order to send the bell. So-since you won’t get the sticky note…here it is.

Do you know what one of my friends said to me the other day when I asked for their address to send a letter…Why don’t you send a text message? No, no no no. In my opinion these forms of communication are not comparable. I’d much rather put my time and love into something that will brighten your day and make you smile when you least expect it rather than a text message which we all get, daily. I believe in crazy, stupid, love and I believe in the magic of letters. I’ve been sending letters all around the USA and I sent one to England too! Making my way around. What I enjoy most about sending mail, is knowing that you got it…

My time alone has resulted in self-reflection.

I’m learning that not everything I think about myself, is true. I am looking back at where I was and how I ended up “me”.

This was sparked by a letter I wrote to my Lucy Lu. She is a friend I’ve had for 13 years now. I was thinking about when we first met, in high school. Holy goodness, life seemed hard at that time. Life was hard at that time. What I remember most about when we became friends, is the pain. At sixteen, I thought my life had to be the hardest life ever lived. Seems like an exaggeration and I wish it was, but I really did think my life was more difficult than most. At the time I had people who told me it would be okay, and this too shall pass. At the time, I didn’t know they were right.

THEN 18-20 years old

NOW

16 years old

28 years old

Sure, my problems were all due to my own actions, thoughts, and decisions but I didn’t know that. Being the cause of your own pain doesn’t make the pain hurt less. People told me that one day I would thank the man upstairs for the route my life took. Now, I understand. Had my life gone the way I wanted it to at that time…I never would have moved to Arizona, I wouldn’t be in Japan…and I wouldn’t have the heart, understanding and appreciation for other people that I do now. I think we become what we want to be, because of who were.

I was mean. Now, I would like to think I am one of the most genuinely kind people out there.

I hated. Now, I love deeply and freely. When you love, there is less pain, hurt and sadness.

I bullied. Now, I have no tolerance for it and I can help on both ends of the situation.

I lied. I’m as honest as can be.

Dignity? Now I do the right thing even when no one is looking.

There is a reason life doesn’t go the way we “want” it to.

One thing that hasn’t changed is my anxiety. I’m going to be intentional about trying to change my thoughts. Last week, my mom text me, “goodnight love you” and I responded with “Love you more”. Next message I got was, “No, not possible, I am in the hospital blood clots”. I was in the middle of a store, holding a ballcap that said “smile”. I dropped it as I read the message and said, “WHAT” loud enough for the whole store to hear me. I placed the hat back on the shelf and left the store to call my mama.

This is a prime example, where I might book a flight back home before even knowing what is happening. My mom had been there for the day and I had no idea. Nobody told me…Can you believe that?! (Joke..)

Ignorance is bliss.

I hate being uninformed, but I also hate being informed. I did a better job this time of controlling my panic and it helped that my mom waited until she knew what the problem was, to tell me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have made it out the door that day. It is hard for me to function in the mist of the unknown. Mama will be okay and is back home. POSITIVE thoughts.

I keep seeing the forecast in Spokane, SNOW, cold temps…and I’m here starting to drip sweat on bike rides.

Snow there…fake snow machine here.

Evening bike rides are a highlight of my day. It feels like the fall evenings in Spokane. It reminds me of being a child. It is the perfect temperature for playing hide in seek around the neighborhood in a t-shirt. The air has autumn like briskness in it. Or maybe it is more like the beginning of spring. Still a little winter coolness in the air, but the sunshine is bright and bringing nature back to life. I think that is my all-time favorite part of the year. After winter, when the squirrels start coming out to play, the birds chirping wakes you up and the flowers, OH-the flowers.

Seeing children outside playing baseball brings me joy. It reminds me of playing catch in the street out front of my parents’ house and the point game at hutton with the boys. My dad would hit baseballs and say how many points the catch was worth. Whoever caught the ball, got the points. Kind of like flies up, with points. I was just there to catch the occasional 100point sissy hit that was hit just for me. I’ve seen this played (rarely) since I was a child…but I was sure that was a game invented by the Binger’s.

My entire life I thought my family was the original owner of multiple sayings, mannerisms and customs. Now, when I see other people doing these things I discover that it is not a Binger Invention.

I got to go to Sasayama which is country side here in Japan! It was beautiful and incredible. I am looking forward to my next trip out there. I am craving stars and wild animals. I haven’t seen the stars since I moved here and I’m still on the prowl for some wild animals (with racoon dog and wild boar at the top of my list).

I ate duck and snail. A slug with a shell. Not my style but I had to try it (a second time).

No middle names here. Japanese have a first name and family name.

I stopped biting my nails.
I got my first haircut by myself. I didn’t realize how long my hair is…I cut enough off that it now feels short…even though it’s still longer than I use to keep it. About time for me to go super short.

Finally finished a quilt for my nephew. Made with love and made in JAPAN! [He got it today! YAY]

Happy March! My favorite month. Strange that the school year is coming to an end, IN MARCH. A student gave me the most thoughtful, heartwarming, gift that I have to share with the world. I let this student borrow a book, “HedgeHugs”. A book about hedgehogs who have to learn how to hug without hurting each other. She knows that I LOVE hedgehogs…and she made these most precious, cute, hedgehogs that I adore. She also made a “reasons why I love you book”. I’ve never received a gift so thoughtful or loving. I am so lucky to have this job.

Someone asked me last week…if I woke up with my dream job, what would it be…

My answer…I’m doing it. A teacher.

Gratitude.

Lastly-Rest Easy Luke Perry. Believe it or not-some of my most important life lessons came from this man in 90210. 90210 is another thing in life that has never let me down. It has supported me in happy times and in some of the worst. To my first heart throb.

illie

March 5, 2019
Warai

Have you ever seen Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure? Probably not since you were a child…I’ll refresh your memory. Pee-Wee gets a new red bicycle. I vividly remember the scene where Pee-Wee is riding his bike, ringing the bell smiling/laughing. The same thing happened to me last week as I was riding my bike home.

This is Pee-Wee… But last week it WAS ME

It was the exact scene from Pee-Wee, except it was me. I vividly remember this movie because I’ve seen it more times than you have seen E.T. I’m trying to think of a movie everyone has seen (several times)…E.T. might not be the best example, I don’t even think I’ve seen that movie one whole time.

Fact: Pee-Wee weights a whopping 98 POUNDS. I know this because my brother and I use to watch the intro to Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure over and over, crying from the deep down belly laughs. When I say use to…I mean every time I go visit. If you have not seen the INTRO to this movie, you must. It is the best part of the entire movie.

A student made me stamps! On January 31st I sent out a bunch of letters. I was thinking, I wish I had a Japan stamp. That exact thought went through my head. I was going to ask coworkers if they had one so I could stamp the letters with it. I decided to skip it since I sent some Kanji cards out in these letters. The NEXT DAY a student gave me two hand-made stamps. One says Japan and one says Thank you, in Japanese. Coolest surprise I have ever received!

February 2nd, chichi arrived for his second visit in Japan! Yippee. I rode my bike to the train station to meet him. I was taking a video of the airport bus pulling up…to my surprise otosan (dad) didn’t get off of the bus. I started laughing because this meant he got off at the wrong stop. As the bus pulled away I was debating my next move…After all-father was somewhere in Japan, without a way to contact me.

As I sat there laughing out loud, next to a person who had figured out the situation just by watching…I heard my dads whistle. There is this universal Binger whistle. I searched to find where the sound was coming from-There was dad standing about half a block away. He had gotten there before me, on the previous bus. Aha.

Sunday, we adventured to Kyoto where we visited my monkey friends. I thought my dad was going to enjoy the monkey park as much as I do…Turns out he doesn’t love monkeys as much as I thought? I’d work there if I could. I’d like to see if I can volunteer there on weekends. Kyoto is kind of a destination place. It was once the capital of Japan. It is famous for the temples, gardens, palaces, shrines and structures…Of course I go there to see the monkeys…

We stopped and got shrimp kabobs. Dad liked his so much he wanted to stay and eat there all night. I love shrimp but it sends chills through my body when I think about/see their legs still attached. Makes me shiver and nearly gag just thinking about it. As I was eating my shrimp, my dad says…the legs are good huh? I let him have the remaining shrimp.

These are some images of father. If you look closely you can tell that he is communicating in them…with animals including: cats, monkeys and owls.

Seasonal Division

Sunday was Setsubun. Super cool tradition here. It occurs the day before the beginning of Spring in Japan. This day has a special ritual to cleanse away evil and reject evil spirits to come. To do this, you throw roasted soybeans out the door/window or the person wearing a demon mask. People say “Demons out, luck in” while throwing the beans. The beans are purifying. This is how you drive away the evil. To bring luck in, people eat the amount of roasted soybeans that corresponds with their age. This is comparable to throwing rice at newly married couples.

My dad rides to school with me in the morning and meets me at school at the end of the day. One day we had to wear rain suits…I let chichi barrow mine and I wore a poncho and rain jacket. Most of the ride to school I repeated to myself or out loud, “this is not fun, I do not like this, I am not having fun”. It is miserable riding bikes in the cold & rain. At school, dad walked around school and said hello to some students with me. The students were amazed by his height. He is comparable to a giant. The students applauded him when he walks into the room, it’s really kind of beautiful.

Weather

The weather here is cold. Before moving here it had been described as “bone chilling cold”. I didn’t think much of the great word choice at the time. I thought-I live in Spokane where the winter weather can be in the single to negative digits. That being said…It has been in the 40’s sometimes 50’s here in Nishinomiya this winter. Now, 50 degrees is T-shirt weather in Spokane. I’d nearly be wearing shorts the first day of sunshine and 50’s! Here…50’s feels like 30’s. I thought I had become a weakling but I confirmed the bone chilling cold when my dad came here from 20 degree weather and thought this was “chilly”. I check the “feels like” weather and that is not accurate. It is 45 degrees today and it feels like 42. Feels like a solid 35.

There are a few things I have gotten use to that my dad is pointing out. The toilet is usually in a separate room than the shower. In the shower the tub is next to the shower-they are not one unit like we are used to.

I have a sheet hanging up to separate the kitchen and living space. My dad thought that was ridiculous…until he realized how cold it is inside. Sometimes, I have my jacket on just to stay comfortable.

The flowers are still blooming 🙂 Year round kind of flower place.

I’ve seen some orange trees too.

I’ve been to the “recycle store”. This is a place you can go and get something once a month. It is free and next door to what is similar to our dump. Of course I know exactly why you can only take one treasure a month…I would have taken three or four things home my first time there. I did come home with a nice shelf and coat rack. I could use about 3 more coat racks. Hah.

Holiday Weekend

Three days of exploration occurred this weekend. Chichi and I spent a treasure of a night in Kobe after going on a cruise ship. My dad is catching on to communication skills. We went in and out of many new places in one night. Several places said “No English” when we walked in and we proceeded in with “that’s okay!”. I made a deal with myself that I would try one new place a week. Then we tried enough new places in one night to last me a month or two. The next two days were spent roaming the streets of Osaka. I cannot believe how many people fill the streets of the cities here, regardless of the day.

Suma Aqua Life-The aquarium here was amazing! I had several “first time” sightings-new marine life for me. Dolphins are one of my favorites. I had never seen one in real life until last weekend. I had no idea: 1. How big they are 2. How COOL they are 3. I just love everything about them. I have never seen so many sharks!! It was really a good aquarium. For as much as I love living creatures…I’m surprised by how much I enjoy these experiences. My dream is to see all these amazing creatures in their natural habitat.

Lots of new experiences happened this weekend.

Sounds like Washington is full of snow.

Our laughs are filling the streets of Japan, once again.

I’m sure missing my students, my tribe and my family back home. Valentine’s day is almost here. Share some love, take care of yourself and have a happy day.

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illie

February 12, 2019
Waiting for Tragedy

January has come and gone with a quickness that most months do. Some days go slow, but the weeks go fast and the months disappear without notice.

I’ve spent (the shortest) 6 months of my life in Japan. This being said, 6 more months was not going to be long enough for me to accomplish all that I hope to. I am excited to say, I have 18 months left here in Japan! Someone asked me my new years resolution and I nearly laughed…I don’t exactly believe in NY resolutions. I think everyday is a new beginning. But this year, I want to explore and travel Japan.

I didn’t ride my bike for almost two weeks. When I got back on my bicycle for my ride to work…an 11 minute bike ride took me 20 minutes. By the end of the week I was able to get the ride down to 14 minutes… Lesson: Taking breaks from anything makes you weaker.

My sewing obsession has followed me to Japan. I have a newfound love for beads now too. My bead collection is bigger than it was when I was a child, making 100 bead long string necklaces…

Hello Happy

Some of my favorite things that have happened recently: I got some amazing Christmas cards from friends in the USA. I’ve been asking students questions about things I don’t understand in Japan. The answers I get are PERFECT.

Q: I don’t understand why nobody smiles at me on the train… A: Using the train is not funny. [Easy enough, I LOVE that answer.] Also, smiling on the train is an invitation to talk and most people find talking on the train to be torture.

Q: Why do the teachers move rooms, why don’t students? A: Teachers want a perfect body.

Q: I don’t know why students laugh at me… A: We are loving you. [This was a big misunderstanding. When I felt students were laughing at me, it hurt my feelings…but its more of a conversation opener and students showing affection.]

At my favorite Ramen shop, I am officially a regular. No longer need a menu, my order is known. I’ve always dreamed of being a regular somewhere, preferably not a bar. I’m ecstatic with my new badge of honor there. The people there talk to me quickly in Japanese. I can almost understand what they are saying but they must think I do. We are figured out how to communicate using different languages and I think it is incredible.

I wanted return to Judo this week. I am looking forward to learning/practicing Judo but the burns on my elbows are just now healed and I’m exhausted, lately. I hope to get back at it, soon.

Today, students played a Japanese card game. It was played by grade level. It took place in the gym and awards were presented after. It was awesome! In the states we do not have anything like this.

Silly things that I LOVE~! My dad always walks behind me and bumps the back of my knee. If he gets me good enough, I nearly fall to the ground. That is also a thing here in Japan!! I laughed when I did it to someone and they had a name for it and told me it was a common joke like move.

I taught friends that if you focus on the other persons elbow you will have the greatest high-five ever. Practiced that as well as the back of knee taps.

I ordered a bookshelf off of Amazon. When I received the bookshelf I could not help but laugh. I had to put it together but all of the instructions were in Japanese. Got the tools out and hammered that baby together! 🙂

I am amazed by the weather right now. It is late January and the beauty of the sun is blinding. When the clouds are not covering the sun it brings enough warmth making 30s and 40 degree weather feel like a hot stove just opened-warming you to the bones.

I’m starting to understand the process of how students move up into the next grade. It is mind-blowing. I’m taken so far back by the amount of work students have to do at such young ages. Maybe it is so shocking because all I knew before was my experience.

In my experience…you go to the school nearest your home. Elementary and then to your middle school and lastly high school. Public education was always free for me. I did have to pay to take the SATS and apply for college…

Students in Japan may start as young as 6th grade, applying for different schools. Students apply for public schools. Public schools are paid for by families. For example, right now I have helping a student prepare for her interview for the high school she dreams of going to. Each school has limited openings and you must have certain scores on tests and be ranked against the students at your school. Ranking of where you are at is extremely important for students here.

Students take a test which depends on the high school they want to attend. Students may be a multiple subject test with an oral interview in English and Japanese. This is to see if the school will accept the student into the public school. EVERY child has to do some variation of this process to ensure they go to high school. Student’s tell me they are always studying, but now I understand why. Schools here are also leveled by ability…

Pressure exists. As a foreigner I can see it and I can feel it and now I understand it. Students are going through a process similar to college applications, at the young age of 15. These students have to ace interviews that are similar to interviews I had to attempt in order to get a teaching job. I hope throughout my time here I can lessen the pressure for some students and help them acquire the skills they need to feel confident about their future.

When I look at these students, I see kids. Kids that should be playing hide and go seek, kick the can, riding bikes until dark…but the reality is that these students spend most of their time studying and especially now when the tests/interview exams are around the corner. Where I see children…others see young adults.

What I’ve been appreciating about Japan in addition to what I’ve already mentioned…

Students. Building relationships with students people in the community.

Teachers. I work with a great group of teachers.

The kotatsu I have-a Japanese heating table.

Sunshine-it is beautiful when the sun is shinning and that has been a lot! I saw someone (in JANUARY) with their top down in a convertible.

Flowers: Still blooming and growing IN WINTER.

Pen Pal letters!! My students here in Japan have gotten their letters back from America. I’m as excited as the kiddos.

Surprise (to me!)

High school entrance

How many words/phrases don’t translate

The green traffic light (go) is called BLUE here. Blue/green use to be interchangeable

Students are teaching me Kanji. COOL!

There are only dirt fields at Japan middle schools. No grass.

Really, no grass anywhere. I feel kind of weird when I see dogs using the street as their toilet. I don’t think my dog would know what to do if it has to use cement as his canvas.

Craft stores here nice. I can’t find rainbow thread though which is strange since rainbows are LOVED here. Fabric is expensive and good quality.

I never hear people sneeze? [Wait I just did hear it…but maybe I don’t notice because no one says bless you or acknowledges it. Since I have written this-I have heard LOTS of sneezed and I also have sneezed more?]

I love the Yamaha motorcycles that I see here. Classic. On the way home I saw one for about $ 1,300 and I’m tempted. If the driving pattern were the same as USA’s I wouldn’t think twice.

School lunch as been delicious.

I HAD THE BEST GYOZA. Gyoza=pot stickers. This time instead of pot sticker shape-it looked like a piece of friend chicken (drum stick). It was the BEST.

I’m either sweating or freezing at school. Sometimes the heat is on, sometimes all the windows are open. After riding my bike to work though, I’m always sweating…until it dries and I’m then frozen.

When I go to help a student they complete an entire sentence in Japanese and then I say, “Eigo” [eggo] (English) and we laugh. Students speak Japanese naturally and by accident and when I listen then say English-we always laugh. Even if I understand, I want them to try and communicate using English.

Flowers are a big deal here. There are tons of flower shops. We order flowers online in America. I don’t even know where a local flower shop is at home.

I’ve learned that communication is easy. You just have to be willing to try.

Japan is a pretty interesting place. I love it. I love the people, the culture, the students… I am glad to be here.

Processing…

Only continue if you can do so:

with

Grace and without judgement.

Current day-Phil and I

I think one of the greatest tragedies of the world is when children are forced to grow up. However, positive lessons are rarely taught in positive ways. We grow up when we are ready but now that I’m thinking about it, there is a situation, a time and a place where something happens that forces us to grow up. I feel for the children in the world who go through this at a time when their biggest worry should be how late they can ride their bike or if they get the best smelling scratch and sniff sticker. I remember when I met the harshness of the world. The next 10 years of my life were spent trying to figure out how I could save the people I love. I’m still trying to stomach the fact that I can’t. The next 10 years after that were spent still in the chaos of the storm, reacting, overly cautious, afraid of what each day would bring.

When I was 24 years old I was a first year teacher in Arizona. The school year had finished and I was excited as ever to get back to Washington to see my friends and family. My dad and I drove back and had a ball. The summer was starting off great, I was happy, excited, hopeful and ready to have the summer of a lifetime.

I had been in Spokane for less than 24 hours. I was driving down 29th with my best friend, going by the light on Perry. It was my first night back in town and home for the summer. I felt like I was on top of the world. Laughing with my best friend, heading out to get into mischief… My dad was calling. For the first time in my life I didn’t expect bad news from my dad calling multiple times in a row. I was finally past, waiting for tragedy. After answering, my world didn’t just stop, my heart and soul did too. I was no longer able to drive. Kate took over driving while I continued breathing heavily, dizzy, knees shaking, more scared than I have ever been (to this day).

Nobody will ever understand what I felt, until they go through it (and I hope that you never do). The opposite is also true…I will never understand what you go through until I experience it.

Waiting for tragedy is an ugly place to be. It is a waste of daylight, loss of sleep, it is an all-consuming place that got the best of me for far too long. I wish I could say I was out of the woods when it comes to expecting/waiting for “the other shoe to drop” but the anxiety and fear of tragedy lingers around.

Maybe I let the fear of tragedy hang around so that I am better prepared for when it strikes. But the truth is, there is no way to be prepared.

When we use to go visit my grandparents in Nebraska, I dreaded leaving. I would look out the airplane window during take off and hear tears of my loved ones falling. It wasn’t until I was in middle school or so that I realized why my mom and dad always cried when we left Nebraska. I imagine that they were thinking, “Next time I come here, my mom/dad may not be alive anymore” or “that may be the last time I see my mom/dad”. Several times, they ended up being right. I cannot get past the thought of losing people I love. It breaks me into thousands of tiny pieces. Love is such a deep connection especially between family…that there is no way to ever be ready for what is to come.

You see, my parents protect(ed) me from a lot. I didn’t always know when the world was spinning out of control. My dad informing me of the chaos meant death.

Side note: I know that I’m not a parent…but I believe whole heartedly that it is a parents job to protect their children from dangerous chaos. Let me begin with a disclaimer: My parents protected me. My parents never knowingly or purposely put me in a situation of dangerous chaos. Sure, we found ourselves in some crappy situations but my parents never caused it or forced me to go through it. Thank you for that. Children who group up in chaos become comfortable with it and begin to look for it. As a teacher, I see this and I understand it. I resist the temptation to feel sorry for children and instead try to encourage and help children find resilience, courage, dignity, empathy and a way to be better. In times like this I am reminded of how incredible children are. Living in chaos requires a person to begin living in a constant state of fight or flight-stress response. Fight or flight is activated when there is a perceived threat and people must function in this state to remain. Stress response should be short lived. Once the situation has passed your body returns to the normal state. This is not true for all of us. Some of us are living in a constant state of stress response and experience negative side effects(sweaty palms, heart racing, reduced sleep, headaches). Children should be protected from this instead of forced to live a life in which fight or flight is required in order to survive. Chaos can be beautiful or dangerous. The kind of chaos I’m talking about right now is the exposure to dangerous, unpredictable people and situations. This is the stuff I feel passionately about. Nobody should have to navigate through the “hard stuff” alone when these events have been experienced and lived through by many.

I can’t comprehend the pain of some situations because I have not lived them but I sure will listen and love.

My dad was calling me to tell me I needed to come say goodbye, to my brother. I arrived at the hospital a short time after the phone call. I ran inside and back into the emergency room where I saw my brother laying lifeless, clothes cut off, machines keeping him alive.

Seeing this was: frightening, upsetting, maddening, saddening…more emotions that I can find the words for. My brother had overdosed and was to end his days in that bed. I did not leave the hospital for the next 24 hours maybe even 48, until I was assured that Phil was in a coma and would not die without notice. I stayed at the hospital most nights. I’d seen a number of movies where people would magically come out of a coma because they could feel or hear the love in the room. Now I know, that is only in the movies. I would hold Phil’s hand, play our favorite songs, talk to him, yell at him, pray for him and just watch him. I thought I would be his reason for waking up. Sometimes, his hand would twitch in mine. I thought he was squeezing my hand. But this lasted days and wasn’t a squeeze of love or an “it’s okay sis, I’m coming”. It had been weeks of a coma, seizing and wonder. Wonder what would happen next, wondering if he would survive, wondering how we would survive…

From the ER we moved into ICU. Here, Some light started to come out of the situation. By light, I mean life. Phil had opened his eyes but was unable to talk, eat, walk, or communicate. He was no longer the person we all knew. Not long after, Phil went back into a coma.

It is hard to recount the steps that we took or recall the days that have passed…but as I am typing this out I have that same feeling in my stomach, frog in my throat and unsettling thought of what life is for some people.

In the summer to come many tears were shed by the family, nights were spent awake and days were spent at the hospital. There was not much happy in these days but there was a wedding of one of my brothers and a chance for the entire family to be together. The weeks and months to come were filled with steps forwards and leaps backwards and a mistake made by one that all of us were forced to learn from.

July came quick and I needed to head back to Arizona for my job. This was not an option for me at that time. With my brother was in and out of the ICU, leaving was not an ideal situation for me. I wouldn’t let it be a situation at all and with careful consideration I resigned from my teaching position in Arizona and stayed home where I felt I needed to be.

Phil is a warrior. He always has been. He was not supposed to survive this. I think of my family as an army. We have fought some dark battles [together] and we have won all but not without sustaining injury.

Phil got into Saint Luke’s rehabilitation center which became our home for the next month where Phil learned to walk, talk,write, eat, and do everyday skills that you learn as a child. We were not out of the clear…there were many ambulance rides back to the ER and several questions that still haven’t been answered. But after his time at Saint Luke’s, we walked out of there together.

Sadly, when my dad calls several times-my heart pounds. When I call my parents several times, I’m sure the same happens for them.

When I don’t hear from my brothers I begin to panic.

When my brothers tell me that they love me…I question why they are saying that.

We have added people to the family since, made mends and ripped too many stitches. But here we are. All six of us are still around, happy and healthy (I like to think).

20 years after meeting chaos…I am now what some would consider to be a professional with chaos. A master of chaos. I can welcome chaos and take care of the situation at hand. I’ve been in many ambulance rides, handled many adult like problems and become a comfort to those who find themselves going through similar situations that I have. This stuff-it is not good. It’s not something that most people share. But this, this has made me who I am. I’ve never been embarrassed of the hard stuff. To me this is a testimony of my family, our greatness, strength, resilience and love.

Positive lessons are rarely taught in positive ways

Take care of yourself. Impact people positively. Be sunshine in somebody’s dark day.

Also-I made a peanut butter and bacon sammy last night. It has been a long time since I’ve had one of those!

Thank you for being you.

illie

January 23, 2019
Countdown

I love when I am reading a book and I recognize the emotion and meaning behind the title of the book or even the chapter. My title for my blog is Rubee Miles. Rubee Miles because if I ever have a daughter, that is what I want to name her. The meaning this name has come to be deep in my heart and explainable beyond my heart. Some people think I don’t want to be a Mom but it is a hope and dream of mine. People say you have to meet the child before you choose a name. But Rubee Miles would be perfect for any child of mine…even if it does end up having 4 legs. Finding the relation between a title and a person’s writing is one of my favorite things.

Happy birthday to some very special women in my life. Happy birthday Mama, Kristy and Lois!! Happy Birthday to my favorite, wonderful, wacky, women. You inspire and motivate me to be a better person. You encourage me to keep moving forward and to choose happy as a way of life. Thank you for improving the quality of my life. Spread your glitter- you make the world sparkle!

This was my first Christmas waking up, alone, without family. It was not magical or heartwarming. It was sad. It was harder than I imagined. Now, all the Christmas decorations have been replaced with New Years decorations.

In Japan, lonely has a different meaning. I had someone say to me, you must be lonely. I kind of giggled because generally you don’t say that to someone. Lonely in Japan just means, by yourself. In that case yes, I am alone/lonely. But I can be in a room full of people and feel alone. On Christmas, I was in a room full of people and felt lonely. Lonely to me is a sadness caused by the absence of love. Lonely is a feeling of being alone, not just a physical description. For the most part I do not feel lonely, even though I spend a lot of time alone. Differences in the way two people use the same word interests me.

Christmas in Japan is celebrated for fun. Some families get small trees (a foot tall or so) and eat chicken/KFC for a Christmas dinner. You can probably guess where my dinner was from…YEP, 7-11. I’ve been waiting to receive a package from Chichi. I swear he timed it exactly so, that it would arrive on Christmas. Once again, a great letter, photos of loved ones and MASKS! Another joy filled package.

New Years celebrations here closely resemble traditions for Christmas in America. Families travel to be together for the New Year. Many places are closed December 30-January 3rd and nearly all places are closed on New Years day. Families celebrate by having a special dinner together, staying up (all night) playing games, maybe visiting a shrine or temple and sharing their hopes, dreams and prayers for the upcoming year. At midnight on New Years the Temples ring their bell 108 times. This is believed to release 108 sins from all humans. The 108 sins that these bells rid us include mental states that cloud the mind and force people to manifest/think of impure actions. This can be anxiety, fear, anger, jealousy, desire, depression and more. I think this is a great tradition to bring in a new year. To me, a clean slate is much better done by cleaning it rather than filling it with resolutions. I’d rather have a fresh start than a list of goals that makes me feel like I’m already behind what is supposed to be a “New Year”.

Families spend this holiday together and manifest a future that they hope for while riding themselves of accidental and purposeful sins. We all find ourselves in boats we do not want to be in. New Years is a time to grow stronger… Families will gather for the New Year and that doesn’t leave much room for a foreigner. Who knows-maybe I’ll get to spend the new year with my family too.

I’ve always felt a feeling of defeat on New Years. People are always talking about a renewed sense of hope. Every morning I have a renewed sense of hope. People wait all week for Friday, all year for their favorite season and their entire life for happiness. I cannot bare to do that. I choose happy each day because I believe happy is a way of life.

I’m not counting down until Friday, summer, or the new year.

I have never understood why people wait to make a goal or resolution. If I waited for a New Year to make/start a goal, I would never achieve anything. I am reflecting, planning and growing daily. I’d rather use the new year as a stamp in time to resemble who I am in that moment. I prefer to look back at how I have grown rather than plan ahead for what could end up being failure. I’m not scared of failure. I have some size failure every day from as little as forgetting to take my vitamin to not setting alarm and possibly having forgot to switch my laundry. Today, my failure (so far) was starting the day with 2 fresh squeezed lemons instead of one. Continuing after failure is where growth happens. My goals have a large range from what some people would laugh at because it’s a “dream” to what others would laugh at because a child might have bigger goals.

I’ve always wanted to own a zoo. That’s my dream. Is it crazy…maybe. Would it be impossible to own a zebra…NO. But that’s a big dream, I know. But someone once told me I’d never own an animal that could live at a zoo. That person is no longer in my life. These are my dreams-you get your own. A little dream of mine…to stop biting my nails, learn judo and sleep through the night without waking up. I’m making, rearranging, prioritizing, failing and succeeding each day at different goals I have. [I tried Judo at school with students today, for the first time. I had no prior knowledge on Judo, I just had a feeling it was going to be badass. I couldn’t think of a better word to describe my feelings towards something I had only heard of-sorry for that word choice. However, I was right. It was the coolest. I participated in about half of the warm up. I was too weak to do the whole thing. My hope is that if I keep going to Judo, I’ll gain enough strength to do the entire warm up. Maybe I’ll even be able to participate in part of the actual practice. The amount of charlie horses I got and the intense soreness of my abdominals right now is a clear indicator that I am using muscles I didn’t even know I had. Learned a few of the basics. I had no idea Judo had so much gripping, grappling, striking and body locks involved. I’ve never seen such graceful, aggressiveness.

In early December I attended Kobe Luminaire. This is a light show that began after the Great Hanshin Earthquake in 1995. Thousands of people lost their lives, tens of thousands of people were injured and hundreds of thousands of people were displaced. This light show symbolized bringing light back into the lives of people in Japan. It is an annual representation of the lives lost and the regained hope and renewal that was necessary to rebuild the city. Seeing this light show, I felt that renewal in my heart, something I have never felt on New Years.

I’ve been living what my best friends refer to as “my best life“. I’ve been exploring all hours of the day, meeting new friends and going out with old friends. I think the grandma life is more my style. Japan, the best life has been real…but I’m more fit for the old soul (early to bed and early to rise) young heart (zoo visits and ocean trips) life.

I had my first experience at the doctor. I say experience because I gained new knowledge through this exposure. In Japan each symptom requires a different doctor. A doctor specialized in that area. I understand why and I appreciate a specialist who is an expert in their area. In the USA, my primary care facility was Minor Emergency until I was about 24. I went there for everything (stitches, shots, broken bones, fever, illness-you name it I’ve been there for it). Now, I tell my doctor everything. I guess I’m use to more of a “one size fits all” patient. I hate one size fits all because it never fits right but this is the one time I would have preferred it (only because it is what I am used to).

I attended my first Bonenkai (Forget the year party). This is a party where people get together to forget the troubles and stresses of the past year and start the new year to come, fresh. Most of this event was in Japanese and I still had the most wonderful time. The company, games and food was perfect. What a cool party to have. I love that every single person can communicate with a smile or a laugh. The happy that was spread across the faces of people at this party was a sight to see. A language barrier cannot block the communication that happens through emotions. We play the same, laugh the same and can communicate through so much more than words. Forget the year and bless the next. I love the traditions I have experienced so far.

I’ve been meeting with a student after school to help her prepare for her high school entrance exam. It seems to be comparable to applying for community college. We have run into road blocks due to the language barrier and the best way I have found around these is to act the words out, or draw a picture. Common sense maybe…but I always thought rephrasing and repeating was a great strategy. Turns out it is useless. Rephrase: Explain an unknown word using more unknown words. Repeat: Still don’t understand. Sometimes it can be frustrating, but I prefer to exhaust all options before turning to a dictionary or translation device. We both must try tremendously hard to accomplish this and it is a great challenge for both of us. The students here study an intense amount, more than I would have ever dreamed of. The athletes practice more in one day than some students in America do in a whole week.

Right now, it is winter break both in America and Japan. Students last day of school was Christmas. However, teachers work until December 29th and then return January 4th. Teachers have a six-day break and two of those days are thanks to a weekend. Students may not have class but they are all here practicing their club activity. Winter break and the school is functioning close to normal. Teachers are working, students are practicing, and everybody is busy. At home, students and teachers are completely off from school for a week or two. Huge difference in the education systems.

I went to a Spokane/Nishinomiya sister city dinner. I met many new faces and had the company of a dear friend that I met when I arrived in Japan. Students who just got back from Spokane were at the party and shared some of their favorite activities! Several of the people attending the party had also been to Spokane. It kind of brings us together like a family when we have the connection of being in the same places. They love my home and I love theirs. Kind of like how I have an automatic connection with Corn Huskers. When you love and support the same ______ It makes for an instant connection. At this dinner I was gifted a poinsettia. These remind me of my mama and my grandma. It was a beautiful gift to receive and it brought joy to my heart. My friend and I are now going to see who can keep their plant living happily, longer. We both love plants…but our living plant success is non-existent.

Happy Merry Everything

illies

December 27, 2018
Gas Tank Full of Freedom

12/10/18 +

At the top of my TO DO list for Japan, I have: Fall in Love. Above all else, while I am here my goal is to fall in love,

with myself.

Oh my goodness. It has almost been a month since I went home to the USA. Since I have been back-it has been a whirlwind.
I’ve been talking with my friends and brother about traveling around Japan. I feel like I am missing out by not exploring. But the thing is-every time I step out of my apartment, it is an adventure. I haven’t traveled Japan yet but I am planning to. Once leaving my home is no longer an adventure, I will start checking items off of my bucket list.

This being said…I’ve already been in Japan for nearly 5 months. That means I am almost half way through my year in Japan.

As a teacher-I am growing like a weed. I am gaining so much experience teaching English as a second language. I have no doubt that this opportunity is helping me grow as much as a teacher, as it is a person.

Thinking about my growth and overall, how much I have changed since I was a child…this quote was very humbling. There are wonderful humans out there who are evil in my story-the thought of being the evil in somebody else’s gives me those dirty moths in my stomach. I think this is why it is so important to remember that people will never forget the way you made them feel.

I’ve made some people feel really awful in my past. If you are reading this and you are one of them-I apologize. There are several people I have reached out to and personally apologized..but you know what? People that made me feel bottom of the barrel awful, they never apologized. That is okay, but I remember the way you made me feel, the times you caused me pain. Thanks to you, I’m a way fresher person than I use to be. By fresher…I mean more: Resilient, kind and happy.

Right now, Japan is where I am meant to be. I know this because I see personal growth as well as professional. People should be living a life that makes them better. Being here, is making me better. I also hope to be making people better here. At school I try to make sure students know that I see them. Not like I see them up to no good, or goofing around…

but that I see them, I care and that they are enough.

Adventures since I’ve been back from the United States.

HOT SPRINGS! My dear friend took me to Arima hot springs. This is one of the most ancient onsen’s in Japan. This hot spring is a rusty orange color because of all of its natural components. There are very few hotsprings in the world that have this many elements. This is similar to a public bath. You wash your body off and get into a small pool like tub. Yes, naked. Yes, with other people. Boys and girls are separated. At this onsen there were no tattoos allowed. Having a number of them, Sachiko and Moko helped me cover all of them with bandaid like tattoo covers. Lots of laughs and giggles while we did this.

There were three different baths at this Onsen. After each bath you put your clothes on and walk to the next location. We took part in a buffet beforehand, all you can eat Japanese food! I tried everything. Because I will always try things at least once.

On the way home We stopped to admire fall leaves. This was a breath taking forest of trees with more color than imaginable.

Sachiko also took me for a drive through the country side. This was my first time seeing “country side” here in Japan. It reminded me more of home than anything else here, has. The roads were bigger, everything was more spread out and it wasn’t as busy. It felt kind of like driving on the Palouse, but not.

I ate Shabu shabu. And…a snail. Because I have to try everything at least once…SUPER COOL meal to eat and the company was nice too!

Snails are like slugs. I HATE slugs. So taking this snail out of its shell to eat was a first and last time event for me. After dinner I gave Pachinko a try and searched for wild bores. You know how much I love hunting for animals. Hunting to me is just searching with my eyeballs and jumping with excitement when I see a creature. This night may have ended with Super Mario. Most of my nights do. HAH.

I have actually been lost now. Like, wandering for an hour just looking for something that I was familiar with. In an hour, I reached my step goal, had no wifi and 12% battery on my phone. My map was no help because I was in an area I had never been. I never found anything familiar, a train station, or free wifi. I also wasn’t at my best. I walked until I saw a cab pulled over. I’m sure I sounded half dead as I said, “Ride?”. I got an Ok. Got a ride to my bicycle. The ride was 35 minutes and worth every single YEN.

All Japan Pro Wrestling!

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I went to watch professional wrestling in JAPAN! Cool huh? The coolest part is I got to see an old friend from Spokane, WRESTLE in Japan!! I personally find that to be insanely incredible. The odds in that happening have got to be low to none.

I went with a coworker and his friend. They are huge fans of pro-wrestling. All around, amazing night with great people. So fun to see someone from home, here in Japan. I get excited seeing someone I know at the grocery store in Spokane so you can probably imagine my joy in seeing people in Japan. Parrow and Odinson took the W in a tag team match. Whoop whoop.

I’m looking forward to seeing another Professional wrestling show while I am here.

I’ve got some time off coming up for Winter break. I work on Christmas. First time, working on Christmas. I have many special birthdays to celebrate the day after Christmas. These people are more dear to my heart and soul than I can say. I hope you can feel my love from Japan. Happy Birthday (Dec 26^th) To my MAMA, KRISTY, and LOIS! I’ve been thinking about you since December began and I’ll be celebrating you all month long. Heck, I celebrate the three of you all year long.

Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear, Mama, Kristy, and Lois, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.

With a break coming up, I have considered going home…but I really want to explore the country I live in. If I go home every chance I get-I won’t ever see this whole new world. (This week in class students are singing-A whole new world.) It dropped 30 degrees over the past week. Last week I was riding my bike in a Tshirt and enjoying the colors of fall. Today, I wore my long johns, beanie and winter jacket. I think this is one of the first times I have worn a beanie for warmth. I never realized how cold my ears get when I have a hat on. Now that I think about it…I haven’t ridden a bike in the fall in probably 15 years…I just forgot the feeling of COLD hitting my cheeks and sneaking through my strands of hair up to my ears.It was 39 degrees when I woke up this morning. Last week it was 70 degrees. That is a pretty drastic change in such a short amount of time.

Last week

This week

My morning commute consists of these minor yet major inclines. Some days I ride up the entire way, sometimes I make it half way…and this week for the first time I started walking my bike at the bottom. My legs are getting stronger. I couldn’t make it to the top my first time. Hah. Now I spend the first 10 minutes of my bike ride, wondering how much effort I want to put forth in order to save myself one minute riding up VS walking up.Giggling. I love that my daily decisions start here…Well actually even earlier my hardest decision is what I will wear. Feel like a small child, going to a drawer, closing my eyes and wearing whatever I pull out.

I rearranged my apartment, which I have done a few times now. It makes things feel…fresh.

At school, students had a tournament. Girls played volleyball and boys played handball. I saw lots of smiles during this and I couldn’t stop thinking about how cool it was that students could have a handball tournament, at school. Last week, we had a marathon day. Students choose the distance they would run and ran anywhere from 1km to 10 km. More than half of the school choose 10km!! I choose 3km and my running partner helped me keep a good pace the entire time. Probably my fastest mile since 4th grade.

I’ve sent out many letters and postcards recently. I’m the biggest fan of mail. I hope if you receive mail, it gives you some happy in your heart. That is my goal, to spread happy. We started penpals too!! Seeing the students write to my kiddos at home, made me glow. *Hours after writing this, I checked my mail and what do you know-I HAD A LETTER FROM A DEAR FRIEND. Thank you sister. This is my favorite card.

My refrigerator is empty. Probably a good time to start the whole30. I have been yearning for a redbull. I haven’t given in. I’d get so jacked up if I had a redbull, I probably can’t handle them anymore. I could drink a 20Oz redbull and take a nap. I was looking at how much caffeine was in the tea I am drinking…20-30MGs. I was drinking 200+mgs a day… When I take Tylenol-I take 2 extra strength tablet, each 500mgs. Here, the pain killer I got was similar to a 25mg ibuprofen and was to be taken every six hours.

I felt like I really lived here the first time I wore a mask. When I came back from the USA, I was feeling pretty nasty. I didn’t want to spread these USA germs…because I worry that they might be stronger (like how medicines are stronger in the USA). That’s my reasoning. Everything is stronger at home so the germs must be too.

However, the breath mints here are way stronger. They about knock your socks off!

The apples are bigger.

You rent movies at a rental shop.

I’ve made some great relationships with students. I have students helping me learn Japanese. At lunch time I eat with a class. I enjoy this time, talking with students and eating new foods. The other day at lunch it was an entire (small) fish, with its head and skin still on…I tried a bite but then I had to give the rest away. I don’t like to see a creatures face unless I’m out hunting (looking) for them.

Japan Amazon is my favorite. I could order something today and have it within 24 hours. That’s crazy.

I’m still tired from the weekend. I think tonight might be a night of 12+ hours of sleep. That means I can go to bed at 7. That sounds magical. I’m such a baby. Dane-I wish you were here. I know you would fit in well with me on a Friday night! Have yet to meet someone with our mindset.

Update-I went to bed at 11pm and woke up at 3am. Sleeping just wasn’t in the cards for me last night. Urg. Try again tonight. My sleep still isn’t quite right for some reason. Anxiety, dokidoki? Unsure. I was wishing that I was a preschooler again and my mom cold pick my clothes out and dress me because that was a demanding task this morning.

Oh yes. Last thing. I had a sentimental Clark Griswald moment last night as I recalled the happiness of life as a child. Last night I sat and watched a home video from 27 years ago. In this video, I was 1, my brothers were 5, 7 and 9 and my parents were 38. It is Christmas Eve and Christmas. I love hearing my parents voices, they still sound the same. I melted hearing all of our little voices. When you are little, life should be this wonderful. It makes me sad that it isn’t this way for all children. Since this video, everything has changed but nothing at the same time. That’s impossible, but it is true.

As always, glad to be apart of your day.

illie

JapanLife

December 11, 2018
No one can take away your pain so never let anyone take away your happiness

11/27

I’ve been rockin’ and rollin’ the past month. Quick recap-the beginning of November I SAW MONKEYS! Yuko journeyed with me to Arashiyama to admire a bamboo forest and the beauty of fall. I’ve been talking about seeing a monkey in the wild since I arrived in Japan…so when we saw signs saying watch for monkeys-I was like a kid on Christmas morning. This is one of my favorite adventures so far.

We had sports day which consisted of all junior highs in Nishinomiya. It took place at Koshien Statium, where the professional baseball team, The Hanshin Tigers, play. Once again-we have nothing comparable to this in America. We got there by train. Students sit by grade level and perform by grade level. Each grade level does an athletic dance and there are relay races followed by awards for the fastest team in the city. I’m not going to say anything more about this because it is more incredible than my words can describe.

I had a presentation for Nishinomiya International Association.

I talked about the similarities and differences between Spokane and Nishinomiya. HOLY GOODNESS, there are an infinite amount. After I showed pictures and spent too much time talking, adults were able to ask questions. A few questions I got were: How do you deal with bullying in America? Do you own a gun? What surprised you most in Japan? After the presentation, I spent a day out with friends.

I have officially been redbull/energy drink free for three weeks and nicotine free for over a year! These both are huge accomplishments for me. I hear that people feel differently when they give their body what it needs. I don’t know what that means (because my body always feels the same) -but I’m trying to figure it out. I’m trying to nourish my body and be more intentional about what I put into my body. People say that after massages, adjustments, yoga, exercise, eating healthy they “feel” different. What exactly does that mean? My entire life I have felt the same after each of these activities. I have found acupuncture and massage to be the most relaxing (during) but my body itself, generally always feels the same. I will say, I have started taking some supplements and new vitamins and I am noticing that my dreams are more vivid and my memory is better. Something must be doing my brain some good.

In the beginning of November Sachiko helped me figure out my life. My acne has been the worst it’s ever been. Sachiko noticed how bad it was and asked, “are you ok, what’s wrong?” (We were driving to the post office to pick up a package [at the time I didn’t know it would be the best package I’ve ever received in my life] from my dad.) I told her, “I’m great-must be the food I’m eating.” She responded with, “Your stomach is bulging, your face is bad, I think you are stressed.” My first response was to laugh. Not because of her pure honesty about my bulging stomach and mass amount of zits…

but what could I possibly be stressed about?

I’ve had that said to me so many times you would think it is stamped on my forehead. I started to agree with the statement I’ve heard too many times “you have nothing to be stressed about, you are 28 years old, single and have no children.” After I spoke those words Sachiko said, “You miss home. Your family and the comforts of home. I know it doesn’t feel like it but I think that you’re holding a lot of stress.” Of course, I miss home but I’ve been so busy living that…I kind of avoid thinking about home. People ask if I’m home sick and NO comes out of my mouth quicker than I can formulate a better response. I don’t know what homesick is. Kind of like how I don’t understand what jet lag is.

[Side note* Stress is real. Everybody has it. I am 28, single, have a career and no obligations because of the choices I have made. People say that to me like it’s a blessing or I’m abnormally lucky to be ME. Stop yourself right there. I got myself to where I am. I’m 28 (because the birthdays keep on coming) and single because I refuse to settle. I don’t have children because I haven’t met somebody I want to have a family with, yet. Would I like children? YES. You may have made different life decisions than me, some by mistake and some on purpose. No matter who you are, where you’re at and what you want-that is up to you. It feels like people are trying to make me feel like my stress, anxiety and worries are inadequate [compared to what they could be]. Maybe you had a plan for your life and it is/isn’t turning out the way you imagined. I’ve never had a plan. My future changes with each day. My stresses are changing as I realized I can be in the eye of the storm where I am calm and everything around me is flying off the handles, out of control. But I have stress. We all do. But there is a difference between luck and hard work. I’m not where I am at by luck. I appreciate the life I live and the people in it. Don’t ever ask somebody what they have, to be stressed about if you’re only trying to make them feel like their issues are laughable compared to yours. I might be upset about almost missing a flight. It might be a huge deal for me. But maybe missing that flight meant missing out on time with people who I love. I could be late to the airport because I haven’t slept and I was at the hospital all night with somebody that I care about. Yes, it is incredible that I have the opportunity to catch a flight…because I’ve met people who haven’t had the chance to catch a bus yet. This doesn’t make it any less of a big deal for me. Comparing me to others doesn’t make my knees stop shaking, or my heart stop pounding.

Seeing a rainbow is a reason for me to dance and celebrate. I LOVE RAINBOWS. You may not see the magic in that rainbow but I do, SO LET ME DANCE.

People generally don’t try to downplay my happies or one up my happies…but when it comes to life challenges, all too often people try to downplay or one up my hurts. Nothing about two people is comparable. That is why you shouldn’t compare yourselves to others. Our problems, bodies, happies, sads, childhoods-you name it…ARE NOT THE SAME but the feelings we have are similar. Isn’t that the magic in life? Meeting people from different walks of life and connecting with people who have been through different situations but felt those same feelings?! Be gentle with people. We all hurt the same.)

No one can take away your pain so never let anyone take away your happiness

Ok back to the story-I arrived at the post office and I ran inside to grab my package (at 7:45pm, because the post office is open late but banks close at 3!!) and when I got to the car I joyfully opened it.

First, I saw a note from my dad, that only had 14 words but made my eyes well up, one blink and tears would be falling.

Next, I opened pocket number one to find photos that chichi printed. Photos of his trip here, the dogs, my brothers and mama. BLINK- tears ran down my cheeks.

I flipped through the photos and felt that beautiful pain.

Pocket number 2 had keychains since father lost my keys, this made me laugh.

Not to mention these came inside of a MINI ADVENTURE PACK.

I was happysad. At that moment I realized that I miss my people/animals far more than I acknowledge or notice. I’m pretty in tune with my emotions so I’m still not sure how this snuck up on me.

Around this time an English teacher told me that it was going to be a testing week. During exam weeks I do not have classes but I come to work and keep myself busy. I was told it would be a good time to take paid leave if I wanted to…

(Meanwhile…back home Phil [my brother] was visiting from Denver where he works for the airlines. He had just had the conversation about how he shouldn’t have given me flight benefits because I would never use them since I’m living in Japan…) However, without these flight benefits a trip home wouldn’t have even become a thought in my mind. Moments later Phil received a text message.

All I did was send one text to Phil saying, “I’m going to look at coming home next week”. Before I had put any real planning or thought into it, I received a flight confirmation Email. I got butterflies and another tear of happy ran down my cheek because I couldn’t wait to see my people and I didn’t have to debate going or not, my brother already booked me! This would have been days of, “what if? What about? What happens if? How can I?” Thank goodness Phil put me on a flight back to the USA just days before I would depart. [Side note: people say you don’t share your wishes with people. Birthday wishes, 11:11 wishes, shooting star wishes…but I’ve always been a firm believer in the more you share it with the more likely it is to come true. Like this thought of going home…sharing it with my brother is what got me home, he got me home. Thank you Phil, my heart needed that. Had I kept this thought to myself, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere.] I was beyond excited for a journey home to fill my heart up with all that I’ve ever known. So, I used my new mini adventure pack and flight benefits to take a quick trip home, to fill my heart with dog kisses, snuggles, a hug from my mama and a costco trip with chichi. Flights were filling up, so I ended up catching a flight the next day instead of in 3 days.

My first flight was (business class) from Osaka, Japan to San Francisco, California. Yeah, you read that right, business class. Business class is the new first class. Holy smokes. Drinks, slippers, warms peanuts, seats that recline into beds and auto tinting windows! I was a virgin to this kind of service. When I was handed a warm washcloth, I was baffled. I had to watch the people around me and follow their lead. On the way to California I started Avatar, napped for about 7 hours (I barely made it to bed the night before departure) and then woke up in time to finish Avatar and eat breakfast.

From California I went to Denver to spend a night with Phil. That was as adventure in itself, to say the least. My next stop, SPOKANE.

I was home long enough to feel the heat of burning bridges and excitement of building new bridges. The time I had with my friends and family was exactly what my heart needed. I didn’t get to see all the people I would have liked to, but I did get to see most of the ones I needed to. It was we were kids again (although Kate just turned 29!). We had sleepovers at my parents’ house, played video games, stayed up late and practically jumped for joy when mom got home from grocery shopping (waking us up from our couch nap after an unbelievably long night).

I had 2 amazing massages, much-needed acupuncture, (Thank you WELLNESS TREE) highlights and more hugs in that week than I’ve had in 4 months. I got to visit my previous students and the most loving staff. I spent most of Thanksgiving with my neighbor Liz, who I love dearly. She has been in my life since I can remember…maybe since birth. I also spent time with my family (2 out of 3 brothers) and started packing for my commute back home to Japan.

My trip home reminded me how loved I am.

My time at home has already come and gone. It’s hard to believe I’ve been back in Japan almost 48 hours. I started to feel a cold on Thanksgiving and by the next day, I felt like death. Phil and I both had (6AM) flights so we went to the airport together and shared a few laughs before heading our separate ways. The flight back was as glorious as the flight to Spokane, only this time my ears were hurting, my nose was running and my throat was feeling something fierce. I took advantage of the earplugs, hand soap and chairBED. I took $15 (airport) Sudafed every 4 hours even though it didn’t seem to help. I kept taking it just to keep myself from crying like a baby. I had 2 carry-ons and I picked up my 2 checked bags when I arrived in Japan. These bags were the largest suitcases allowed on aircraft and each weighed 70+ pounds. I was walking through the airport sweating from a fever or the intense workout I was achieving, happy to be back.

In the airport, I was back to being a foreigner, hearing Japanese and smiling. I remembered how nervous I was the first time I came to Japan, just walking through the airport was terrifying, then. This time, I was able to ask for help so that I could get out of the airport as quickly and smoothly as possible. I would be taking the airport limousine back to the closest train station and from there catch a taxi. I couldn’t have done that when I moved in here. GROWTH!

When I got to my mansion (apartment) I carried up each bag one by one. I thought about unpacking them at the bottom of the stairs, outside of apartment doors. I probably should have because carrying 70lbs up 2 flights of stairs couldn’t have been a pleasing sound to neighbors (between my squealing/grunting and the suitcase banging the stairs). I unpacked one suitcase, took Tylenol PM and hit the sheets because in 12 hours I would be riding my bike to work and I needed all the rest I could get.

I saw maybe 1-2 people cycling while I was in the USA. Driving felt strange, exciting and new when I arrived in the US. Coming back, it felt awkward getting on my bicycle. My bike seat didn’t feel the same, it felt hard and uncomfortable. I got kind of use to driving everywhere again. There was snow on the grown when I left Spokane. When I arrived in Nishinomiya the weather felt perfect. I text my friend Yuko and said “It’s so BEAUTIFUL OUT”. She said, “It’s getting cool”. I thought, what in the world-it’s perfect. DUH, it was perfect, I was still sweating profusely. Later that night I realized my apartment was the same temperature as it was outside which was COLD. The day I left I had all my windows open. Now I have all my heaters on.

Seeing the students in Japan made me as happy as visiting my students back in Spokane. It was refreshing to see their faces and here their hello’s. I missed being here. I missed the people, the culture and being a light in somebody else’s country. No matter where I am, I’ll always be missing someone, that is a part of loving. I’m empowered knowing that I’m never missing a “piece of me” because it doesn’t take another human being to complete the person I am.

Thank you Kate for the new vocabulary word

This may sound strange, especially coming from a white person so take it or leave it. When I arrived back in America, I was overwhelmed by the amount of white people I saw. The diversity in America is the only diversity I had ever known. However, it’s not all that I know now, and it was a strange feeling noticing this.

Being in Japan has made my world so much bigger. I always knew I wanted to travel. I had no good reason for wanting to-I’ve just been drawn to it but too afraid. I’ve been to a few states in the USA. I noticed that people in Nebraska were more kind to strangers than people in Washington. I saw that neighborhoods in Arizona changed block by block rather than area by area. Denver has a faster paced life style. I’m always taking in similarities and differences between places and people. This is why I am supposed to travel. I needed to see that the world is so much more than the few states I’ve experienced. People are so much more than good and/or bad. Language is one way to communicate but communication is more than the words we use.

My world, heart and mind are more wide open than ever and all of these will continue to expand, if I let them.

For everyday, live and let live.

illie

November 28, 2018
A little Sparkle in a Big World

This blog is a bit scattered. My anxiety has been keeping me up at night and my brain has been running in circles thinking about issues close to my heart, problems close to the community and universal tragedies that I cannot change. This has been in the works for over a week now…

Memories. . .

I remember being eight years old. You were looking for something and you asked me to help you find it. As we searched-we went outside and down the driveway to your black car. You opened the huge door and looked inside while I stood in the grass, barefoot. It must have been late summer or early fall. I remember the cement being cold on my feet and the grass still wet from the dew. Although, I cannot remember what we were looking for I remember that you were going to be leaving for college…and you promised me that you would drive me to the ocean. I had never seen the ocean and you knew how much I would love it. Maybe I found what you were looking for and that is why you made me such a grand promise. 15 years later, we went to the Hawaii together.
I was in 8th grade at CDA lake. I had a cricket cell phone which only received service if it was in the exact right location and position. I would use my friends mom’s phone to call and say hello to my parents. That sounds OUTRAGEOUS now. [I miss that.] I talked to my dad while I was there and he said that we got a new car. This meant the surburban was gone. The surburban housed many memories, hoopfests, and hours of Binger’s laughing, fighting and crying. It was a happy sad. A new family vehicle but the best family vehicle, gone. I remember that because it was an important moment in my life. Silly? Maybe. But my heart is usually the brains of every operation.

Spread Sparkle

Last week I had a decision to make (to get pizza or make waffles). That decision was too hard for me to make so my mama made it for me, pizza. As I was waiting for my to-go order I saw a caterpillar inch worming along. I watched it crawling in that wave like way. I love how smoothly they move their bodies. As I watched I debated my next move…Do I let him stay in this restaurant and die or do I save its life. I realize I just used the words “save its life” in terms of saving a caterpillar…maybe you think that is dramatic but I think it is my strongest trait. A customer walks in nearly squashing this tiny, unnoticeable little fella. I squealed-because it made me sad to think of this caterpillar never getting a chance to become a butterfly. I disappeared behind the counter as I crouched down to get this furry critter out of there. My pizza was ready and the employee is saying “Rachel” as I’m trying to transport the caterpillar out the door saying “hai hai hai” (yes, yes, yes, I’m here). The man/lady of the hour made it outside. I hope that it becomes everything that it ever wanted to be. It came within a hair of losing everything-just a step away from its dreams being SQUASHED. Every day, humans crush each other’s dreams. My brother told me when I was a child that I couldn’t be a vet and guess what, I’m not. Not because he told me I couldn’t but because I believed him. There’s a quote that goes something like…if you think you can or can’t, your right. I understand this now. If you think you are going to fail, you will. If you think you are going drop out of school, you probably will. If you think you are going to miss the bus, you probably will. If you think you are going to be a doctor-you will work your tail off and do it. I’ve learned that this is called manifesting. Your thoughts create your life. When you change the way you think-you change the way you see things. Quitting and letting someone else tell you your dream isn’t achievable (and accepting that) is taking the easy way out. That’s the easy way-because doing what you want is harder than settling. You are the keeper of your own dreams. It does not matter what someone else tells you-even if it is out of a good place in their heart.

Mad World

I read the news from Spokane for the first time since I came to Japan. A CHILD in high school was shot and killed by a person my age, over a pipe. I nearly forgot that the world we live in is unpredictable, dangerous and ruthless. I don’t experience those events here in Japan. I take that back. It isn’t the world that is unpredictable, dangerous and ruthless. It’s the people in it and that’s a shame. I don’t believe that anybody wants to grow up and be a __________(Insert word whatever word you want-addict, thief, cheater, homeless). Those are not the dreams of a child. Life happens. People make choices at the time that they think are best for themselves. Days, months, or years later those decisions have lead you to your most frightening nightmare, a person you never wanted to be.

I like to think that not only children-but all humans do good when they can.

Where I am living, these senseless acts are less common. I wonder how that can be possible. Is it because there are less guns and they are harder to get? A smaller unemployment rate? The education? How are people raised so differently that they create a safe environment and community. Can that be learned? Can a place already filled with drugs, guns and crime ever become safe? In the United States unintentional injury and homicide are the leading causes of death among people ages 15–24. In Japan-suicide has become the leading cause of death for children between the ages of 10-19. Suicide is not viewed the same here as it is in American. It is not considered a “sin”. Samurai’s would do this to take responsibility for their life. Worldwide, accidents are the leading cause of death in adolescents, suicide follows, then homicide. Automobile/sports/swimming accidents …these are a few unintentional injuries I can think of off the top of my head-that are taking lives. Next is children taking their own life. I cannot find the words to explain how this makes me feel inside. Lastly, people killing people. The top three causes of death in children are preventable. Or are they?
You see that is the scariest part of suicide in my opinion. Sometimes, there are no warning signs, no cry for help. Sometimes, you find yourself crying for someone who is gone because you had no idea that you (maybe) could have helped.
School shootings is another thing I cannot bare to think about-but working in the USA it is something I am forced to think about.

Learn from Love

It is terrifying for me to think about how to protect my class (approximately 24 students a year) from the dangers and harshness of the world. Then I think about how terrifying it would be to a student or a parent of a student. The only people that love these children more than me-is their family. I consider my students, family. They know that I will take care of them, support them, advocate for them and I will always keep them safe. This feeling of security is not a part of my relationship with children, at first. I must prove, earn and work to show my students that I am a safe person. I am a teacher. My job also includes the fierce task of protecting my children from harm. I’m confident that my students would do the same for me. That’s what family is and that is how special our bonds become in less than 180 days.
Do you know teachers are not supposed to hug children? My kindergarten teacher held my hand when I was the line leader, hugged me and I’m sure I even sat on her lap. My first and second grade teacher gave the best hugs. When she was pregnant my second year with her-I would hug her every day to make sure my arms could still fit around her. Did you know teachers are not supposed to be alone in a classroom with children? I used to go into my elementary school each summer before school started to see if I could help the teachers prepare. I saw my second grade and third grade teachers outside of school on multiple occasions and rode in their vehicles. These kinds of relationships are now prohibited. Not allowed. The relationships I had with my teachers are part of why I am the kind of teacher I am. These experiences helped me know what kind of teacher I wanted to be. In middle school I had a teacher that always said, “BINGER” and when he had a child he told me he was going to him to say “BINGER” for his first word. I loved him. And it was a HIM! Female students cannot create these kinds of relationships with male teachers anymore.
My door is always open. Then I’m not in the room alone with anyone and everyone is always welcome in. I teach my students to ask each other “Do you want a hug” before they give a hug. Personally, when I am upset I prefer no hug. Rather than students getting mad that a student or myself hugged them, we first ask. I have had to adapt the rule: hands and feet to yourself at all times. After being in Japan I am disappointed in myself that I have become so strict with this rule. Children here mess around, rough house and have fun. However, they can handle it and it has not once ended in tears, a real fight, or a situation that requires discipline. Students need to be able to PLAY but I had to adapt the hands and feet to self rule because it helps us to avoid the majority of problems we face in the classroom.
Without these restrictions on building relationships, I find myself laughing with students more than I ever have. We joke around, make faces, give noogies, pats on the back and the best part is, we are learning a foreign language from each other. I envy the interactions that students and teachers have here. Teachers meet the families, make home visits and even have meals with the student and their family. WOW. Trust me, I want to do that. While that may be an expectation for Japan teachers, that is a restriction for me. I want to do that but I am not allowed.

Always on the Clock

[These next few time sheets are according to my own opinion and what I have observed.] In Japan, teachers are at school what seems like 6 days a week, minimum. I can enjoy school, after school activities and weekend games because I want to, not because I have to. In Japan, if you are a coach/in charge of a club then your time to yourself is extremely limited, coming down to a few hours a night and maybe one day a weekend if you’re lucky. While I envy the relationships that can be made with students and their families, I’m not sure that I would thrive as a teacher here due to the demanding commitment. Don’t get me wrong-I invest my heart, time and love into what I do no matter where I am-but I need time to love myself too. The classroom schedule is from ~8:10-3:20 and there are 220 days of school. Students are at school from 7:30am-6:00pm (average-). Teachers are likely here even longer. Students pick one club activity and participate in it for the entire year. In Spokane, Classroom time is 8:25am-3:15pm. teachers are at school from 7:00am-4:00pm (average). Students participate in after school activities for 3-4 weeks, but it is no longer than a 1.5 hour practice with supervision. Of course these vary from school to school but I think it is a good estimate for what I have seen/worked. There are things I prefer about the education in Japan and the USA. A bled of them together would be perfect.

Growth

I was at the mall the other day. The mall that I got lost looking for (I wrote about it in one of my first blogs). I remember walking through that mall for the first time, laughing out loud because I had no idea where I was, people were staring at me, I was walking on the WRONG side of traffic, I was hearing a language that I knew none of and I was experiencing all of this at the same time, for the first time in my life.
Recently, I was walking that same path. Going up the escalator I recalled how I had felt 2 months previous. Now, I can semi navigate my way through this massive mall and I can get home without my GPS. I’m still going new places by bike and I’m still getting lost. I recently found the quickest route to my new school after a week of riding the wrong way and crossing the same street more than once…
My favorite food here is Gyudon. Rice with meat on top of it-in the most delicious sauce. Yuko taught me how to make it which means I am now using my stove. The kitchen is a whole lot messier now that I am using it.

Children

At school the students had a “Cultural Festival” at a University. Guess what!! No school buses. I took the train with staff and students! There were teachers at each train stop to guide students and PTA members too. On the way home teachers do the same and they even ride the train to the last stop to ensure children are behaving. This festival was a musical performance that all students participate in. There was a chorus contest between the classes in each grade, the band performed and the English club. There are eight classes in each grade (7 in third grade-which is 9th grade for USA). I’d like to be a musical/artistic person BUT I’m not. I love to listen to music but I don’t hear pitches or tones. My singing is the same as my talking voice-just a little louder. I worked up the guts to try out for a talent show when I was in 5th grade-singing a Blake Shelton song. I didn’t make it. HAH. I quit the clarinet in 5th grade. Maybe I didn’t enjoy it because I was no good-or I was no good because I didn’t enjoy it (which is a shame because my mom is beyond a talented musician). Now, I wish I would have learned the piano or flute. My drawing of an elephant is easily mistaken for a butterfly. These subjects do not come natural for me, leading me to take the easy way out by quitting and avoiding.
Anyways, the band here is incredible. The band played their instruments, sang and even danced. I need you to see it for yourself because my words are not enough to make you envision what I saw. You can use your imagination and it won’t be as good as the real thing. The chorus was also phenomenal. When each class preformed they had one person from their class play the piano(!)-the talent these children possess is the most remarkable thing I have ever seen. These are children are 11-14 years old preforming with the grace, talent and courage equivalent to an adult.

Today, I had the best day.

I’ve always been the “adult” at the BBQ that sits at the kids table. Or the adult that suggests a water balloon fight, swinging at the park or hide and go seek. October 28th, I had the best day. I went to Kabutoyama and went hiking with Yuko. Many friends of hers also went (who brought their children). At our lunch break I walked out to play with the four children that joined our hike. I told them “Come, game, game, I’m going to teach you a game-sit”. From there we started with duck duck goose and down by the banks…

We played this, laughed, fell down and this led me into teaching bubblegum bubblegum in a dish…how many pieces do you wish? That led into figuring out who would be “it” for tag. Again, we laughed, ran, and had the most intense game of tag I’ve participated in, in the last 2 years. (I still try to make it a point to play with my class in the USA-but we aren’t allowed to play tag anymore). Then we compared animal sounds, video game characters and hiked up a mountain. At the top of the mountain we played hide and seek, catch and I taught the kids how to put a leaf in between their thumbs, blow, and make the most ridiculous screeching sound. Next, we whistled while we walked, compared walking sticks and taught each other so many words (at least I learned a ton). That was one of the greatest days I have had so far in Japan. I was able to incorporate my childhood into the childhood of children in a different country. When we played these games it was as if there was only one language in the world and we all spoke it. That is why I had the best day. I played games and laughed with children who speak a different language. Children were able to play a game with me-a person who speaks a different language from them. I felt my heart grow bigger this day. I know that everywhere children play the same. That is one thing that never changes. But I too, play the same everywhere. My favorite time of the day is recess, when I go out and play with students. We play universal sports. But this day…

I was able to teach children (ages 9-14) games I played at their age. Tag, duck duck goose…games have no boundaries or limits and games know no language.

I knew children play, laugh, run and ride bikes everywhere…but what I never thought about is how anyone from anywhere can play games together everywhere. Say that 10 times fast.

This weekend I spent a day with myself. I got on the train with no destination, GPS, or agenda. I rode until I wanted to get off. I spent hours walking the beach while listening to natives speak, waves crashing and the wind blowing. This weekend turned out to be a weekend full of self love.

Oh yeah…mom life chapter of life went just as fast and surprisingly as it came.

Culture

Thinking about the modesty that I have seen here, I am shocked that Japanese are okay with public baths. Also, for how close people get on the train and the lack of space you have, I’m amazed at how little people physically touch! Physical contact is little to none but on the train I you can feel the warmth of their breath and hear the rhythm of their heartbeat.

A few quick notes about differences I may or may not have mentioned before:
Bicycles are ridden on the side walk.
Traffic patterns are not all the same. People always drive on the left side of the road. However, depending on where you are at [in Japan] can change what side you walk on or where you stand on the escalator. USA-walk on the right side, ride your bike on the right side, stand on the right side on an escalator…all patterns follow traffic patterns.
Junior highs/high schools have a pool.
Chalk boards are used.
People that are dating are referred to as “Partners” .
The Goodwill of Japan is called “Hard off”…
Public education is not free.
There are heavy rain warnings.
There are Pachinko establishments everywhere.
Sleepy and tired mean different things here (I thought they were the same). Tired=drained and sleepy-you want to sleep. You can be tired without being sleepy and sleepy without being tired. MIND BLOWN.
Japanese is written up and down and books are written left to right.
Winker=Blinker. GUESS WHY?!?!?!?!?! Blinking is when you use both eyes. Winking is one eye. Winker=blinker. I think that is genius.
Casual for Japanese=fancy for me.
Everybody owns a suit.
The garbage man still gets out of the truck and physically empties the containers.
There are TOYS and play areas under “the bridge” (freeway).
Alcohol/cigarette vending machines
No ID checks.
I’d be willing to bet 90+ percent of people own a bike.
There are tons of parents in PTA here.
I have yet to see people who dislike each other. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist-but people are respectful to one another.
A good meal is cheap but everything else is more expensive.
Amazon prime here cost 4 dollars a month!
Netflix is different.
There are movie rental shops.
People complain less.
I think more people here are married. Marriage seems to me more of a partnership-than love.
No Bowzer. We call him Bowzer but they call him Koopa and Koopa JR.
There are no “finger foods” you use chopsticks.
Far more people are left handed/wear contacts and glasses.
Our measurements are all different. Centimeters/inches kilograms/pounds fahrenheit/celsius miles/kilometers.
In Junior high teachers move up with their children. They have the same “home room” for 3 years.
The drainage system that is here would be a cause of death if we had these uncovered in the united states.

The bicycle parking situation is insane.
Everyone backs into their spaces.
Sports day/Cultural festival-huge days here and incredible. We have nothing to even compare to it. It is similar to maybe…the Olympics and the orchestra at the opera house.
Bartenders can drink while working. You buy your bartender a drink as their tip since you don’t tip here.
Remember when Chichi lost my keys during typhoon Jebi? Well…It cost me 40,000yen to have my locks changed. That is 400 dollars.
Packages must be signed for-they will not be left.
A bus ride costs $2.20
There is secure wifi everywhere-so I have a pocket wifi I have to take everywhere.

Happy (almost) HALLOWEEN! Mama had surgery and is recovering now! Missing fall at home!

Go out and play. It’s good for the heart.

illie

October 29, 2018