Just be

Category: alljapanwrestling

PNW raised, Japan saved
HAPPY JUNE!!

May 1, 2020 (I’m currently finishing up this blog and it is now June 9th…this blog is events from the past five months.)

Hey you! Stop, collaborate and listen…I’m getting older so if you don’t finish that line-just consider it a generation gap. ICE IS BACK WITH MY BRAND NEW INVENTION.

Happy, healthy, free, beautiful and safe. This has been the words I’ve repeated everyday for at least two months. Sometimes hundreds of times a day. When I began…I knew these words all hold a place deep in my bones and now I feel them.

Find what you need and bring them to your life.

A year ago my dad was here.
Right now Japan isn’t allowing flights inbound.

I’ve been away from home for my longest stent yet with no future plans of returning. I’m starting to clean up and pack for my next adventure.

My next adventure. Wow.

My trip to Thailand was cancelled-because of the virus. School has been cancelled for a month and will be postponed for another month. At home, school has been cancelled for the rest of the year.

The world is in a strange place. I hope you are staying healthy.

For my 30^th birthday I spent the day with a few friends. We ate lunch at my favorite burger shop and had cake. Relaxing way to enter my 30s.
Not too much has happened in the past month. I’ve spent days at a time at home alone. I’ve had limited social interactions which I guess I was already use to, having been in Japan for a year and a half.

It better prepared me for this pandemic. I have limited social interactions and many of the interactions I have daily require a mass amount of energy. On top of the energy it requires to do simple things, much of the message is lost in translation.

That is something I miss. I miss the easiness of relationships. I miss the communication that is understood through verbal and non-verbal communication.
My fears have evolved so much in the past two years. I use to be afraid of anything and everything. My friends, I’d have them WATCH me walk to my car at night. I’d have my mom wait up for me if I was going to come home late. I never slept with my windows open because that is terrifying. Pull up to a stoplight, make sure the doors are locked. Headphones in when walking, no way. I use to hear sounds at night and it would scare me so badly I would stay up ALL NIGHT because sleeping when you are that scared is out of the question.
I’m in a completely different place in life, literally and figuratively. My anxiety and depression are at bay and manageable. I do have days where I do breakdown but I consider that a normal part of life-not linked to my depression and anxiety. My fears have evolved because my anxiety is manageable and I no longer worry about the things that use to hurt me. I’m coming to terms with the fact that it was never other people/things/events that hurt me. It was me, hurting ME. Figuring that out felt like a pounds of pressure off my chest. I can breathe easier.

The only person I can control is myself. I cannot control others. What someone else does is no reflection on me or who I am. Geographically moving doesn’t fix depression/anxiety but it has helped me manage mine. Sometimes all you need is boundaries and the way you acquire them varies. My boundaries and freedom came from moving out of the country. My freedom and safety came from digging deep within. I still have a lot to unpack and to tell you the truth I’m scared to do it. I have memories and years I cannot remember. I know they are in me somewhere and there’s a reason I can’t remember. When I’m ready, I’ll start digging.

6/1/2020

I stopped writing a month ago because thinking about unpacking the past put me into a frenzy. It made me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I’m not in the headspace to do this, yet. So for now-I’ll document the things I have been in the headspace to do!

February:

23rd: Osaka aquarium
24th: pole dancing show

March

7: Got out of the house and went to a singles event to meet new people.

8: Went to a friends house to meet her bunny and prairie dogs! Prairie dogs, as pets!
Started sewing at school because students were no longer coming. Listened to hours of 48 hours podcasts, made bags, pencil cases and blankets.
Went to an old students house to meet her family and have lunch.
MORE sewing
Hair became long enough for pig tails
Trip to Thailand cancelled

Last days at my most recent school and the last day at a school I’ve gone to once a month for the past year and a half. Cried on the way out of both.
April

Mom’s trip to Japan, cancelled

End of March/beginning of April…wrote and sent out about 50-100 happies to friends all over America. They have yet to receive them…
Chipped my front tooth. Again.

Made an address book.
Sakura season
New school

May:
Work from home days because of COVID19.

More sewing
Set some savings goal so I can buy a little Suzuki motorcycle during my next adventure.

Found out that my kid is actually a girl, after naming her, BOY (Otokonoko).
Mother’s Day-love you mom.

Beach days
2 full days sitting with my sadness and letting it out

More beach days

Began packing
Hikes with friends

Last week I began running.

Chipped my front tooth again-dental work
Some weird mystery infection.

Immigrations office

That brings us here, to June. I’m still waiting for a refund for my trip to Thailand. Hoping to squeeze it in at some point.

Hoping mom will be able to come visit sooner rather than later.

School started back up today. Half the students come in the AM and the other half in the PM. That way students are distanced and we can sanitize between groups. Students have 4 classes that are each a half hour. I’ll begin classes tomorrow. I CAN’T WAIT.

I’ve finalized my plans for moving. I’ve hired a moving company and began packing. HappySad.

I’m ready to be back in the classroom full time. I’m anxious, excited and full of hope and energy thinking forward.

As usual, leaving will be hard. It always is.

Getting close to people is hard. I didn’t use to think that. It has always been easy but I have never been the person leaving until now.

Sometimes while I’m riding my bike and I see something like…kids napping while riding on the front or back of a bicycle…I think, what a different life it is here. NO SKUNKS. People rarely get stung by bee’s. I love finding out these silly little things. JOY.

When I moved here everything was new and now its all normal. Bicycles riding everywhere, no pattern to the foot/bike traffic. No garbage cans in public places, the normality of drinking, being completely covered in summer not letting skin show, the cost of fruit and the amount of people on trains. Things that once blew my mind I can go through a day and not notice anymore.

I’m excited for my next journey. For all the newness and freshness. The excitement that comes with new experiences, new relationships and new challenges.
I’ll have a heck of a time leaving Nishinomiya. I appreciate the sadness and difficulty though, because where the pain exists, love exists.

This is the place where I started to become the person I want to be. This is the place that saved a girl who didn’t know she needed saving.

The world is in a sad place right now. Keep being light
Shout out to BLMkansai. We went this weekend to support the movement and it was incredible. I am happy to be apart of something so great. It was well organized and carried out smoothly. Way to go Kansai and the organziers.
Until next time.

illie

Rachel

34.746262 135.349312
June 9, 2020
The beginning of 2020

—-The journey anyone can enjoy reading—

February 2020

I was struggling with the most difficult heart work I’ve yet to experience. In the moments I was crying-it didn’t feel good. It was hard. I was reflecting and acknowledging things that I’d never given the time to. My last post was November 22! Wow, do I have a lot to share with you. November, I went to Tokyo for the first time. I liked it so much more than I imagined. Went to the busiest crossroad in-Shibuya. I was already happy because of the name…SHE BOO YA! You know I love that.

Shinkansen, YES!

Shibuya.

Tokyo-Team Lab

We went to Kamakura, which was an amazing site.

The entire experience was great. It was also shortly after I decided that I’d rather not drink. So-it was early morning starts, feeling like a million bucks. December-I went to Osaka to see my friends wrestle. Second time seeing a hometown friend, in Japan!

I went to Glico company. You know, where they make POCKY!

December 14^th, my family grew bigger by one. If you know me, you have since met, Otokonoko. I went to see the Kobe luminarie with an old student and her sister. I just adore this girl and am so happy that have met her.

Christmas was a pretty typical day. Work. Had a Spokane/Nishinomiya Christmas party-lots of fun.

The next day was extremely special. It was the birthday of three wonderful woman in my life. I went with Yuko, to Nara. I thought that this would be a place I would go with these ladies if they were here. I wanted to go here to dedicate my day to celebrating them. We went to see the deer and visit a famous Temple. While here, I lit a candle for each of these women and said a prayer for their year to come. Love you wonderful ladies, Kristy, Lois and Mama.

New years eve I got to have a traditional Japanese dinner with one of my greatest friends, and her family. Soba! It was delicious. I also made MOCHI!!! This was the coolest experience and it only happens once a year.

New years I got to spend with Ayano and her family. A traditional Japanese new year. We ate Osechi that her family made, went to a shrine and enjoyed the company of each other.

Visited Kyoto with my friend from my last school. A dear woman in my life lost her daughter this day. I went to a shrine and prayed for her and her family. Love you.

Participated in a kimono event! Pamela and I got to wear traditional kimonos and participate in a tea ceremony.

You may have noticed that I have not spent as much time at the dentist. Stopped in for a cleaning. YIPEE. January 30^th, I left for Sapporo, Hokkaido. The first three days were spent in the place of the snow festival. People were busy preparing snow sculptures. They were perfect.

The next 3 days were spent at Rutsusu resort. I went snowboarding for the first time in almost 20 years. Born again, first timer. My body held up far better than I intended. I had more fun than I remember ever having while on a mountain. I think it was because I was by myself. The thought of slowing someone else down never crossed my mind, I expected a fall off the chair lift (never happened?!) and I was planning on just a few runs before calling it good.

I never left the “family” runs. I’m okay with that. I went night skiing one evening which was fantastic. This trip was especially, wonderful, because I got to spend time with my friend that I met/visited for the first-time last year in Okinawa! Special little family that I got to join for a week. That right there is good for the heart. Thanks sister.

Got home the 6^th and headed back to work the 7^th and off to the zoo on the 8^th. Pamela and I got to be models for kimonos on the 9^th. We also participated in an international café, where we talked to people for hours, in English. It was great to see people of all ages, gather with one thing in common-wanting to speak in their second language. The bravery of people never gets old.

I adventured to IKEA! I didn’t know it was so close. It was kind of like a Costco adventure for me, minus the hot dog. Just walk around and enjoy. Valentine’s day in Japan…girls give boys chocolates. My mom sent me a wonderful package. February 15^th, I went to an evening of Traditional Osaka Performances. There were 4 different performances which included, Ozashiki-asobi, Noh play, rakugo and koukyoku. It was in English. I hope to go again. The company was also great, as it tends to be here.

The 16^th I went to USJ! Universal Studios Japan. I’ve only been to Disney land once in my life, when I was 23. It was a one-time only experience. I’m not crazy about waiting for longer than 30 minutes or walking in crowded places. I was thinking USJ would be the same. However, it was raining and with the coronavirus going around, the amount of people was far less than I expected! HAPPY SURPRISE. We didn’t wait longer than 10-15 minutes for anything. My favorite attraction was Harry Potter. Those 4D rides are nuts. It was my first time on one. We loved it so much we did it three times in a row.

You know everything I’ve done here in Japan, the things I wanted to do and the things I did for the experience…everything always turns out to be as wonderful or more than what I expect. Oh my Gosh. I haven’t posted in so long that I have more exciting news to share. I am honored to have had the opportunity to work with such wonderful people in Spokane. I am lucky to have had so many students impact my life and help make me a better person. I was due to depart Japan in July 2020. That is a quick 5 months away. I would have liked to return home. I will stay here though; I am so much healthier here in Japan. With that in mind I started to look for a job here. I am going to be an elementary teacher in Shizuoka. I’ll live in the land of the rising sun, where Mt. Fuji rests. I’ll be sad to leave Nishinomiya but I’m happy to be staying in Japan. Japan has been good for me in so many ways. 心豊かな経験と共に、今年でスポーケンの教職を離れることになりました。静岡県のインターナショナル・スクールの小学部の先生として働きます。『日の昇る国』に留まることにしました。 For all you knuckleheads that haven’t come to visit me yet…you got at minimum, 2 more years to make it happen. No excuses. No time, no money…money is cheap and it fills your pockets…but-life, memories, friendship, experiences, these things are expensive and worth every bit to make it happen…they fill your heart. Resigning from my career was difficult but I know that I’m doing this for all the right reasons. Every reason benefits me. The right thing isn’t usually the easy thing.

MARCH is going to be exciting. When I was ~22 someone asked me my dream. Dream as in something I’d do if I COULD, but probably not attainable. My dream was to take care of an elephant. To have an elephant. Not at a zoo, but just in its natural habitat. My boyfriend at the time laughed at me. It made me so sad that my real-life dream was being laughed at, by someone I cared about so much. I left and walked home, possibly in tears. I’m laughing thinking about it now. That is my dream. 100%. Still. It has always been something I considered unachievable. [Idiot.] The only thing that can hold us back is OURSELVES. For my birthday I decided…I’m going to see ellys in their natural habitat. I’m going to go to Thailand and spend 10 days, with elephants. I still cannot believe that I am doing this. April, MY MOM IS COMING TO VISIT. I am more than excited to welcome her to Japan and to let Japan hear the laughter of the two of us.

My mom and I have a great time together. We have these heart felt laughs that others can feel deep down in their bones. I’m excited that we are going international with our happiness. Time with my mom is time best spent. May and June will be my last full months in Nishinomiya, at my current job as an assistant language teacher. Then, July, this chapter ends, but the Japan adventure (book) continues.

If you let it, time heals most things. If time doesn’t heal it, you will get stronger. The biggest barrier in life is US. Go out and get happy. If you want to be, be. You are loved, worthy, smart, brave, healthy, safe and free. You are enough. Do more and be more and do it now.

Do it scared.

As always. Lots of love. illie

RB レイちゃん

June 2, 2020
Happy, Healthy, Safe and Free 愛　
私はレイちゃんです。

私はひまわりが好きです 。

Do you know I prefer to go by RayChan

レイちゃん

Instead of RachelSan

レイチェルさん

Sounds more like LayChan. Chan ちゃんhere is used for children. San さんis used for adults. Of course I prefer Chan. It’s only natural. I even got it on my new dentist card after insisting it was what I like to be called and convincing the staff to put it on 🙂

Happy OCTOBER! 10 月

OCTOBER?! What in the world. The past month has been adventure filled and fun packed. I’ve been to one Oktoberfest (in September…I’ll never understand that). I’ve been to the dentist 歯医者…three times and I’ve spent more than 24 hours in bed on several occasions. My friend, Pamela, and I went to 鳥取　Tottori, Japan. This has been on my to do list for the past few months. We got to swim in the Japan sea and see Sand Dunes in JAPAN! Thanks Pam-for helping me get out and about and check things off my list that I’ve been wanting to do. What I love most about our adventures, is the amount of time we spend laughing. Appreciate you.

I rode my bicycle to Costco which was an hour+ ride. I did it mostly for the hotdog.

A beautiful woman made her debut in Heaven and I’ve been keeping busy since.

We had sports day, which I wrote about a YEAR AGO!! The entire school participates in an entire day filled with sports. It is an incredible sight to see. This year I understood what was happening, so it was more exciting, fun and meaningful than last year. Last year I couldn’t wrap my mind around what was happening it was so foreign and new to me.

I spent a day walking around Kobe by myself. I went there to go shopping and didn’t buy a thing…not even a coffee or lunch.

jr駅September 29^th, I did an old rail road hike with some wonderful friends. My favorite days are the ones I get to spend finding bugs/creatures with friends and their children.

I’m going to be traveling to my THIRD country in a few days!! Isn’t that something. 29 years old and just now going to the 2^nd country outside of my own. Taipei, Taiwan! I’m excited.

I’ve got a stomach bug right now which I am trying my best to pass before the flight on Thursday! It will be gone by tomorrow because I’m going to Taipei, WOOOHOOO.

学校　I start a new school next week. Once again,

I’m not afraid of where I’m going…I’m just sad about what I’m leaving.

Every school here has become a special place in my heart. I’ve grown close with students and staff and it will be hard to leave. I hate leaving…But I love arriving.

Life…生活

It’s a weird one.

I’ve fallen off the wagon a bit on taking care of myself. I’m going to get back on though and get back to it.

10/16/2019 Back from Taiwan, my last day at my current school is tomorrow and I’ve had a battle with a stomach bug, Aleve and been thinking about my next (possibly last) 9 months in Japan.

For starters, 5 days in Taiwan was enough me. I got to see some beautiful views, try new foods and explore a city (mostly by foot). We spent an entire day including the FOREVER LONG commute, in Jioufen. This is a famous destination location, mostly for people who have seen the movie Spirited Away, which I have not.

I enjoyed walking through the alley’s and seeing the treasure shops. We got to the bus stop around 11:00am where several people were waiting. Bus 1062. Don’t think I’ll ever forget that number. We were all excited and ready for this great hour adventure to a beautiful and infamous place…

The bus passed us. We laughed. As we generally do. 笑い　Then some foreigners from Shanghai who were doing the same thing as us…luckily let us tag along with them to the main bus stop. The line for the bus…I can only describe with time. It would have taken at least 3 hours to get on the bus and take a 2-hour ride with traffic. We split a cap with 4 other people and took a two-hour cab ride. I’m spending time writing about this because it was memorable for me and hilarious. I got car sick…the roads are bigger than Japan but the number of mopeds is NUTS. The amount of people that ride on one moped was a huge surprise for me. We decided to head home after a couple hours…we waited in line for a bus at least an hour…and proceeded on a three-hour journey back to town…

My world is expanding. Everywhere I go I see and learn so many new things.

Mopeds, wandering dogs and cats, people, smelly foods and treasures. The money took me a bit to figure out. I say that like I figured it out…I just multiplied the price by 3 to get an approximate amount of what the item would be in USD. Spending a 100-dollar bill there was like spending three US dollars. In Japan a one-dollar bill is like a 100-yen coin. The money is MUCH easier to convert in Japan.

10/18/19

Yesterday, I finished at my 3^rd school. It was a hard one to leave for me. Each school I leave, I think…it can’t get harder than this. But each school…it gets harder.

10/25/19 I have been at my new school for a week. Once again, students are brave. This school is much smaller than the other schools I have been at. There are about 34 students in each class. The schools before have always had 40 or so students.

おやすみねさいThe past two nights I’ve been sleeping by 9:30. My new commute is about an hour door to door. I take the bus with high school students in the morning. By the time all the students get on, the bus is so full you almost don’t have to hold on. The buses here are all MANUAL. I think that is the coolest.

I have to start planning at least one trip a month. A trip where I go stay somewhere over night. Last year I started going somewhere each weekend. I hope to get back to that.

誕生日おめでとう

My brother turned 38 yesterday! Happy birthday Tom. I always say, I wonder why so many people “grow up” and I never did. When I say grow up…I mean grow old. People stop looking for bugs, wild animals, exploring nature, laughing at little things and appreciating the small stuff. I love that I never lost that. Yesterday I realized…you never lost that sparkle either. I don’t know how I never saw this similarity between us. We love armadillo hunting, looking for animals, buying bug spray and…you know…

こどもIf a 6-10 year old would enjoy it…we would enjoy it too. I LOVE THIS. I love being like you. I’ve looked up to you since I can remember. You were my first hero. I love you TB. Happy birthday to you.

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I’ve been teaching the art of hugs. Many people give hugs where they give your back a half ass pat…those hugs make me think of insincere actions. I know that is not what people mean by them but I have been showing people how I like to embrace.

Embrace. 擁する

I’m going to a Halloween party tonight. I sure miss the spark that Halloween carries with it. Most kids here haven’t been trick or treating. When I explain it to them and make the “ding dong” sound for the doorbell, we all giggle. Here the sound for a doorbell is “pin pon”. Love it!

The Halloween party was SO FUN! I played games with children as young as 2 and up to university students. I am excited to join in on more of their games.

Guess what? It’s now November 5, 2019. That means a few things.

11月
1. My best friends’ birthday is in 20 days and my other best friends/moms birthday is in a month and 21 days! 勇敢なThanksgiving and Christmas will come and go here in Japan, nearly unacknowledged with the preparation of new year’s, starting.
2. I’m headed to Tokyo in a few weeks!
3. A friend is coming to visit from America, next week!
4. I made my first bag. It was about a half hour project. Took me 3+ hours. Hah.
5. I tried puffer fish. Poisonous fish that you must have a permit to prepare because if it is prepared wrong, it is fatal. I will never try it again. It melts in your mouth. The only thing I want melting in my mouth is pralines and cream, ice cream.
Ok, let me dig back in my calendar to see what I want to get down, so that I never forget.

I stargazed in Sasayama. The stars never let me down.

I made a new friend. 友だち

I have watched three Storks basketball games this season!

I watched the chorus contest for the second year. It was AMAZING. It blows my mind that students here learn how to sing and draw. I always wanted to feel the music. My mom was a music teacher and a flute player. She felt the music. I wanted to be like her but I just never felt the music other than the lyrics. I finally felt the music. 音楽

I watched Yuko’s son play basketball. バスケットボール

Sports day is next week. Wahoo!

I’m going to get to Kyoto to see the fall leaves changing.

冬　I got my winter clothing out. It was 55 degrees last night and it felt like FREEZING. When Spokane gets the first 55 degree day its like paradise. I guess I’m acclimated to Japan weather now.

本　I’m about finished with the book The Power of your Subconscious Mind. I’m learning the power of our thoughts and how we are what we think.

I always tell my students…if you think you can or can’t, you’re right. I think Henry Ford spoke the original quote. I spend a reasonable amount of time teaching this lesson to students…I knew it to be true but now I can see the extent of this truth.

考える　I realized at some point…the things I think usually manifest into reality. I’m learning to use that to my advantage to help me improve my life.

I’ve been thinking about what people are doing in life. If we are not making the world a better place…what exactly are we doing?

If somebody is not contributing positively to our life…why include them in it?

(Reading back through my blog…it’s interesting that I was thinking about this only in terms of people…you’ll see why).

戦い

I try my best to be good. A good person. Friend 友だち。Daughter娘. Sister 妹. I try to be better than the person I was yesterday.

It is normal to be happy and healthy. It’s not normal to be sick and unstable.

We come into this world for the most part, in perfect health, because that’s what is normal for a person and their body. Our bodies can heal themselves, but our thoughts get in the way of that.

My hair is growing. I can’t believe that I consider it LONG now! Sometimes I mohawk it or do a little combover. HAH. I have to do something with it everyday now or it is just a floppy fuzz puff. I found a sparkle or two growing in. Thought I might as well keep them. Never to young to sport a strand of glitter.白髪

Happy, healthy, beautiful, free.

The only way to get out of darkness, is with light.

To anyone in the darkest place of all.

世話をする

At what point did I start feeling sorry for you and start being afraid of you? At what point did I begin to see clearly? When was it exactly, that I knew I couldn’t heal your hurts with my love? With any amount of love…

Nobody wants to be filled with hurt. Nobody wants to feel anger take over their body…

I used to think…You choose to feed the monster within you…However, when you become so deep in addiction, you don’t make the choice to do the drug. It is like you locked yourself in jail and now you can’t figure out how to get out (how to stop). Of course, you don’t want to be there. But that “thing” is a part of your survival and you don’t just think it…you believe it.

No one wants to be an addict. But sometimes you are and when you don’t want to be anymore…you get up off the ground and build your life back up. You look for resources. They are out there. You look for the key to the cell and you let yourself out. The key is right there, in your back pocket.

Being in a dark place doesn’t make your self-worth go down. It doesn’t change others love for you even though maybe it should.

At what point will you realize you are killing the people that love you.

Why do people hurt those that are closest to them? Well I guess it’s because that’s the people that are still THERE. It’s the only people you really can hurt, those who have yet to leave.

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Speaking of beating dark with light…

I always wondered how I kept my “sparkle” …輝く

You know, my joy for catching bugs, looking for wild creatures, bubbles, rainbows and laughing. I cannot believe I EVER wondered that. Sometimes when I’m asked my hobby…I say, if an 8-year-old would enjoy it, I enjoy it. 心の子供

兄さん　My brother, who just turned 38…his wife got him a toy for his birthday. The package said 8+ years old. It was the perfect gift. When she sent me the picture of it, she said she got him what she would get any overgrown 10-year-old…or something of that sort. At that time, I realized, this is US!

遺伝子

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Maybe it’s a gene. My other brother, he is like that too. We love going outside after a rainfall and looking for worms, playing games together and laughing so hard at jokes that kids would laugh at.

That’s what we do.

I didn’t just keep my sparkle…it’s a trait that runs in the family. I think this is the greatest trait a person could ever have. You know there are good things that “run in the family” too.

家族

母と父　ありがとうございます

I just finished a week of meditations about self-esteem. I thought about what factors contribute to a person’s self-esteem and what particularly have contributed to mine. You see, your self-esteem is almost solely created before you have the choice to make up your mind about yourself. The biggest benefactor is the people who raise you, for me, my parents. Not everyone has the same support that I had as a child…and those people have to work at changing their thought patterns and challenge the negative things that have been pounded into their head their entire life.

I’m working on being present. It is easy for me to think about the future…and be filled with instant anxiety and worry.

不安　The future is not happening now. Pull it together, this is NOW. Day by day.

One of my favorite quotes that I’ve recently been reminded of is “Let go and let God”.

手放す

Let go. Let go. Let go. Sometimes the hardest thing and the best thing you can do are the same. At this point for me, the hardest thing and the right thing for me, is walking away. Removing myself from everything I’ve ever known and figuring out who I really am aside from a sister, daughter, friend, and Binger. The person that I will be when all else around me falls to an end. The person I will be when I’m standing alone. 一人で　The one thing I’ve never separated myself from before. The one thing I thought I’d never have to separate myself from.

Setting fire to yesterday -Eminem

NOVEMBER?! At that, the END of November?! Happy almost Thanksgiving.

[I have to go back to this idea of addiction.] 開発する

I thought alcoholism was something you were born with. You have it or you don’t. While that can be true, it isn’t always the case. Alcohol is addictive. The more you drink the more likely you are to become addicted. DUH. Why is that never talked about? Why do we learn about drugs and the danger of doing them, even once? ONE TIME. Why are we conditioned to fear illegal drugs…but if you choose not to drink, it means you are “recovering” or you are questioned about why you DON’T drink.

酒

I have friends that do not drink. When they tell me they don’t drink…my response has always been, “Wow, you are SMART”. I’ve always thought the choice not to drink is the best choice.

The past few years before Japan, I chose not to drink. I didn’t have the time to spend an entire day in bed the next day. I didn’t want to have to worry about how I would get home or where to leave my car. Most of all, if somebody needed me, somebody was drinking themselves, I wanted to be available to “save” them at any given moment.

When I got to Japan…I had the time to spend in bed. I don’t have a vehicle to drive and in case of an emergency, there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m across the globe.

I would call other people smart. I knew I could be smart like them…BUT going out on weekends and having a few drinks was fun for me. While I consider you smart for NOT drinking, I’d be ordering my next ビール.

I don’t like the taste. I never have.

I make stupid choices when drinking. You know why? Part of my brain SHUTS down. What in the hell.

Why I drink:

Alcohol loosens me up…

The reality: The more I drink the less functional my brain becomes. The less brain function, the stupider the choices. Yep, I can do things I wouldn’t typically do because I’ve shut down the rational part of my brain. I wouldn’t typically do it because IT IS STUPID.

If I wouldn’t usually do it, there is a reason for it. It’s probably not healthy or safe for me.

I can be social:

I can go out and be around people that I don’t know and I’ll never see again.

Reality: I can be out for a few hours with people I don’t care about and will never see again…in exchange for an entire day in bed.

Drinking makes me happy.

Reality: Yeah, okay Rachel.

You know what makes me happy? Kids. Armadillo hunting. A good cheeseburger. New experiences. Nature. Pralines and cream. Letters. Animals. Surprises and learning new things. Those are just a few things that make me genuinely happy. I wouldn’t even put drinking on my list of happies, EVER.

As I’m learning about alcohol and what it does to your brain, it supports the reality of all the reasons I thought I was drinking.

This Naked Mind- Annie Grace. If you want to control alcohol (instead of the other way around) or just be informed more…I highly suggest this. A friend suggested it to me. I think this may be the greatest gift you could give a friend. It is good knowledge to have. I don’t consider myself a person with a “problem”. I see how I went from alcohol free, to rarely drinking, to regular weekly drinking. I can see how my occasional drinking moved to more frequent binge drinking and how that could turn into a problem rather quickly.

Things I have always known to be true:

Alcohol is a dangerous monster. It ruins lives.

Alcohol doesn’t make anything better.

Alcohol takes more from me than it gives me. (Funny, if someone is not contributing to your life…why keep them in it…) If anything in life isn’t contributing good, Get. It. Out.

Things I’ve learned: Alcohol isn’t talked about as a “drug”. It’s not in the same class as heroine or meth. But why isn’t it? It kills as many people. It devastates as many families if not more. I was reading some statistics from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism…Alcohol is the third leading PREVENTABLE cause of death in the United States. If you are reading this…you probably know somebody who alcohol has stolen from you. They might still be alive…but the person you know and love, that person isn’t. 88,000 people die a year from alcohol related deaths. Tobacco use and poor diet come before alcohol. In 2010, TWO THOUSAND TEN, a study was released by a group of scientists, that rated alcohol as the most harmful drug. More than 2x more harmful than cocaine or tobacco.

怖い

Do you know why I’ve never done cocaine? I’m too scared. But I wasn’t too scared to open my first beer.

I should have been.

Why isn’t beer illegal?

I was never taught these things. I’m now looking for the research and the studies… and they are out there. The statistics aren’t out in the open for everyone to see. Not like the billboards in Montana that advertise the negative effects of meth and the lives it shatters.

Alcohol is an addictive substance. No if and or but’s about it. If you drink for long enough…you will be addicted.

Not everybody develops an addiction. The more you drink the more likely you will become addicted.

Many people suffer from alcohol use disorders but the thought that this could be them hasn’t occurred to them.

I am so proud of myself for never settling. For continuing to grow and find my happiness within myself. Settling would be staying in a relationship where I give more than the other. Anything in life where I am putting more time and energy into it than what I am getting in return.

Why is it okay to have that relationship with alcohol? Why was it so easy for me to give alcohol my Friday nights in exchange for my entire Saturday?! Why could I give alcohol my clear decision making in exchange for regret and shame. Stupid. Just stupid. I gave alcohol too much and it has given me, literally, nothing. I have given to it and it has taken from me.

成長

Finished. Done. This is not to say that I’ll never have another drink. I’m taking some time to evaluate my relationship with alcohol and I am happy that I am. This also isn’t to say anything about somebody else’s drinking. I’m sharing where I am at in my life.

秋

I spent a day in Kyoto. It was wonderful. I found an artist that I love and I followed her to an art show the following weekend in Ashiya. I will go to one in Osaka in December. When I find things that I love…I really love them.

She does wood burning. Mina_co is what she goes by! I have sent many gifts out that are her work. I have gotten myself some treasures from her too.

11/13 BBQ dinner in Osaka 🙂

11/16 I went to the cup of noodle museum! I got to make my own cup of noodles and later we took a class where we made our own NOODLES!!

友だち

池田

When we got there, we got the cups-and we designed them 🙂

After, we got to choose what we put in. (I ate mine last night and it was the BEST)

It was a wonderful day.

I met another new friend. Her name is the same as mine.

趣味

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レイチェルRachel taught me a new craft…resin. So…new hobby means new obsession. This craft might be the one I enjoy most. I’m excited to do more with it. It’s funny…Rachel and I have a lot in common. When we get to crafting, we craft hard and we love animals. So happy to have met you, my friend.

It was really nice to have you girls here. I enjoyed laughing with you and getting to see new places. Most of all I enjoyed getting to know you more. Thank you for being you. ありがとう。

新幹線　I head to Tokyo in 2 days! YAY for adventures with Ayano!

This will be my first thanksgiving outside of the USA. Some very important birthdays have happened this month and are coming soon! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY NOVEMBER friends. Love you dearly. 愛

I have to get a quick little plug out there to some people that I appreciate so very much in my life. Office staff. No matter what school I’ve been at…as a student or a teacher, I’ve always gotten along well with the office staff. I’ve created some of the greatest friendships in my life with the office staff. I’m so thankful for these wonderful people. At my new school…My friend made me these pressed flower cards to send out and a calendar for myself. I’m still adventuring with my friend from my previous school. AND I’m in contact with the wonderful women in Spokane too. The office staff…Love um, always. I appreciate your friendship and the job that you do. 秘書

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A few last odds and ends of photos.

楽しい enjoy 健康 health

安全　safety 愛 love 幸運 fortune 運 luck

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I’ve sent out a bulk amount of happy in the past week. As I was going through my address book I came across the names of friends who have moved, Liz who I have lost and relationships that have ended. Check your mail! I’ll be getting more out when I return from Tokyo.

Spread Sparkle. Be kind. Give mean people grace, they need it most.

Life changes, ready or not.

Happy Healthy Free

illie

36.204824
138.252924
November 22, 2019
Sad should never be wrapped
Had I known how to save a life.

I use to sing that song at the top of my lungs. I thought-wow this song is real. I’m sitting here now recalling the lyrics…I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life…but does that save a life? How many nights have you stayed awake to watch a person you love, sleep… Or been a partner in crime because being the right-hand man was better than feeling like not being anything at all. (I say “you” because it’s less alienating for me.) I’ve been trying to be a life jacket for people sinking, since I can remember.

Do these people owe me anything? Absolutely NOT. Am I some super great person who saves lives? Nope. I am however, a human being who wants every person I encounter to know how abundantly loved they are.

That’s the other difficult part of life. You hear in movies and on TV, you read it in books in motivational quotes…we cannot love someone else until we love ourselves. We cannot see the ever-flowing love that others have for us, until you care about ourselves. (I say “we” because it’s less alienating for you). I always say, [to people, friends, family, students] “You are loved”. I don’t often say, “I am loved”. I’m going to start saying that more.

Before I moved to Japan my friend had a going away party for me, at her home. It felt like the first time in my life that people came together for me. Purely, for me. People came to love me. I still have a hard time with that. I think of it more as just people coming together, to share happiness. But that night as I looked around at the people who gathered, I felt and saw love.

How do you help people who seem incapable of being happy? Are some people incapable of being happy?

Anchors keep you in one place by weighing you down.

When I get too involved in helping others, the anchor gets too heavy and we both start to sink. I’m not a life jacket. I’m a human.

I’ve been pulled down, deep and one thing I’m not yet confident at is swimming back up alone.

Many people like the anchor symbol in relation to family/life. I think I prefer a tree. Strongly rooted, morals and values run deep. But the outside and the surface level “stuff” changes with each day.

People love trees. I love trees. I don’t love just one season of their beauty. I love their core. I think most people can agree on that.

Trees are not expected to stay in bloom or keep their leaves, year-round. They lose their leaves and they are still perfectly strong and beautiful. Then, green begins to return and they are still unique and perfect.

I taught a lesson about infinite worth to my students. I think I have written about this before, it’s a good enough experience to be shared again.

My students were having a hard time respecting one another and just getting along. They were unable to make the right choices if I was not there to see it.

I lined up with 5 adults from various life stages that worked at my school. Familiar faces to the children but they knew me best. 2 men and 3 women. Ages, 21-65. We each told my class about ourselves.

Our accomplishments and our downfalls. What we considered to be the most important factors in life, that made us who we were, at the time.

Then, I asked the students to line us up. Make a list beginning with who had the most worth. The person they thought was most important, to the least important.

I had one student (that girl..wow) that said, this is not possible, it cannot be done.

I forced her to do it.
1. Mr _________
2. Mr _________
3. Mrs________
4. ________
5. Miss Binger
Thinking back, I cannot remember if I was 4^th or 5^th. As the results came in and we lined up in the positions decided by 9 year old’s, I nearly dropped to my knees.

I had spent 9 months with these children. These students I had been sharing my life with, my daily love and teachings, thought I was worth less than others.

It didn’t matter where I was on the list. It was that so many kids had an easy time making this list. Students knew me best another woman BEST, and they thought the least of us, they thought we were less important than others.

Through my tears I began to explain, every single person you meet in life has infinite worth. Every single person. That means that a college graduate is no better than a person who has/doesn’t have a GED. A person with children isn’t better than a person without. No body is better than another person.

Like a tree.

Trees are all different. Some I like more. Regardless, each tree has an unmeasurable amount of worth. A flower tree that is no longer blooming, a pine tree, a tree so small you could crush it on accident. There is an unimaginable amount of potential in every tree.

There is an unimaginable amount of potential in every single person.

Every single person has immeasurable worth.Infinite worth.

This isn’t a moral I grew up with. It is one I am still learning. Once I heard the quote “every single person you ever meet has infinite worth” [Kent Hoffman] there was a shift in my heart.

I would never judge a flower for any reason-I JUST LOVE FLOWERS.

Why would I judge a person?

I have never come to know a person that I didn’t like. The key words are come to know. Hearing the story of a person and their past is not a reason to judge them, it’s a gift of seeing how a person became who they are.

5/27/19

This morning I sat outside of my school on the stairs and cried. I sat here at my computer beforehand and I could feel it coming. There was no point in trying to delay the tears or fight them. It’s crazy. The people around me are busy and going on about there day I’m sitting here feeling half heart broken. [This too shall pass.] The last thing I want is someone to ask if I’m okay or what is wrong…but at the same time this is a new situation for me. Generally, I am a cry in private kind of person. Maybe even cry in the shower so I can’t differentiate between the water and tears. I am learning how to deal with feeling invisible. That is not something I would ever promote because my goal in life is to let all people know, “I see you”. However, it is important for me to realize that I will not always be seen and that is when I must rely on myself to be my greatest support. After all, I’m the only support that will always 100% of the time, be there. At this exact moment, I’m having a difficult time doing that.

Last year, if I made it through the week without crying, it was a WIN. Now, here I am crying for that year and those children. Goodness, we had a tough year but boy, did we love fiercely and make the perfect family.

I’ve been so happy to be here in Japan and learning how to be a better teacher and person that I haven’t felt what I’m feeling now. I’ve been thinking about how 2 years in Japan isn’t long enough and how fast time goes.

But maybe 2 years here is perfect. One year down and I’m crying for the children I was lucky enough to teach. This time of year is when my third grade family would really come together. I could see and feel the growth of those little humans and I would be so proud of how far we came, together. Academic growth but most importantly the growth of our hearts. Nothing made me happier than seeing a child help a friend up, give them knuckles for trying, or rebound the ball for a friend and let them try again. Here, I switch schools every six months. I have made some great relationships and come to know many students and I am grateful each opportunity here.

To my past students: I miss you. You are a giant part of who I am and who I want to be. Thank you, for being you.

5/31/19 summer is sneaking up.

Students in Japan are out of school from July 20 until the End of August. Teachers have a FOUR DAY BREAK. FOUR DAYS. While students are on summer break I will have “office days”. These are days where I am in an office…by myself or potentially with another ALT.

I am hoping to do two things this summer. See my new nephew in Texas and see my mom before/after her hip surgery. Those are two things that I NEED to do.

Today is the last day of May. It is uncomfortable how fast time goes. June is a busy month. There are no days off school during June.

I started eating healthy. I’d been doing that for about a week. I was eating non-processed food. [Mostly fish and veggies.] One night I decided not took cook and I had an adult beverage. The next day, I was dying. I think my body HATES pizza and adult beverages. I’ve never taken such time away from ANY food. I’ve always ate what I wanted to eat, when I want. When I woke up the next morning, my throat hurt, my lips were oddly, red and my body felt weak.

Those things must be like poison to my body. I never knew though, because that is the way I have always eaten. Waking up with a headache, having a stomachache, feeling allergy like symptoms became my normal. Now, I must decide if food/adult beverages are worth an entire day of feeling physically, sick.

I always joke that I figured out how to beat lactose intolerance. You just have to give your body so much of it that it becomes immune to lactose. I was eating a quart of ice cream a day. Eventually my stomach no longer hurt. When you can’t beat um, join um! Just do enough of it to where your body gets use to it.
Just kidding. I did do that, but any health professional would say there is something the matter with me.

I’m trying to stop taking Tylenol. I try to be preemptive with headaches and bite them before they consume me. 95% of days, I have a headache so I’ve adapted to taking Tylenol 100% of the days.

6/3/19 Happy June.

6/18/19 Oh my gosh. June is half way over.

Where is time going? The past few weeks have been full of anxiety, tears and sleep-while trying to keep all the happies in clear sight.

Last Friday, I went home and went to bed around 4pm. Not a nap, bed. I woke up the next morning around 8AM. I decided to get myself out of bed, even though staying in bed was clearly the easier choice.

I rode by bicycle an hour to get to an Onsen. I was excited to relax and have some time to myself at a hotspring that was new to me. I walked in, proud of myself for biking there, locating it and doing it all by myself.

Walked in and said “Onsen!” and the staff handed me the rules of the Onsen, in English. Wahoo.

Half way through [skimming] I see no body paint…I was relieved…but then I read that statement closer. No body paint or tattoos allowed. I pointed to my “illie” tattoo and said, okay? The employee said no, sorry.

I walked out, crying. I stood there crying for about 5 minutes-until the rain began to POUR. Not some light, no umbrella needed kind of rain. A kind of rain so hard that even cars were pulling over. My tears turned to a brief madness and before I knew it I was reminding myself to “dance in the rain”.

My Brief madness was about being judged. Japan is very strict. Rules apply to every single person and nothing is ever situational. Sometime life requires you to hear a person’s story or situation in order to accommodate or help them to the best of your ability. Sometimes you must listen.

I know that the rules are in place for a reason.

I understand and respect that.

It was a reminder to me that I appreciate compassion and empathy and a place where people are willing to look at the person in front of them.

I had some dental work done about a week ago. It wasn’t as terrifying as I thought it would be, but it was still pretty stinking scary. I got the laughing gas for the first time in my life. I didn’t feel any more relaxed?

I got some fillings removed and covered back up…until my appointment next week when I will get my princess crowns. The only crowns I’ll ever wear.

6/25/19

It’s the end of June. WHAT.

Father’s day was last Sunday. Another day of the year that I adore. I try to celebrate my dad far more often than once a year-but I sent him some extra love VIA snail mail for father’s day. My dad has the hardest job of any person I have ever met. My parents’ job is never ending. There are no hours of rest or days without worries.

Do you know all your parents want? Their greatest wish…

It is to see their children happy.

I have a whole lot of love for you dad. I have to reserve it for myself right now because my happy tank light is flashing, empty. For the record, I am happy. You and mom are the greatest team and I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am, without you.

I’ve been missing home. I wanted to hug my mom and I have a friend who personally delivered her a hug within 24 hours of me asking. Terry, you have always been my Angel on Earth. I love you and appreciate all that you are. Thank you.

A new Binger entered the ring on June 18^th weighing in at a whole 8 pounds 4 ounces. Baby Jax is here. My newest/second nephew. This is my first summer not spending a month in Texas or with my first born nephew. Usually we spend a month dinking around, playing at the park and laughing together (until mom and dad get home, then he pretends he doesn’t know me).

Last weekend I went to an Onsen with Sachiko and her family. Her daughter is heading to college in the states next week! We visited our last Onsen together…and they dressed me in Yukata!! It was a big happy for me. For all of us.

We got burgers at one of our favorite places after. They restocked their stickers. I love their stickers…so I bought 30 of them…? As my dad would day “you went a little cooky didn’t you?” I sure did…and now I wish I would have bought more.

I attended the Spokane/Nishinomiya sister city welcome party for students that are here from Spokane. I met Yuko there. We laughed, a ton.

Afterwards we listened to live music and enjoyed an evening together. This, was a good day. Sunday, I watched students play volleyball. I love when I get the chance to see students play sports. I don’t remember a teacher ever coming to watch me play sports…but my dad was always there.

Speaking of Angel’s on Earth…I lived next door to one most of my life. That woman, Liz, is so much more than a neighbor to me. My neighbor moved. Saying that sounds pitiful when I think of the situation. Liz wasn’t just my neighbor. She is a friend, grandmother, an open ear/shoulder, a support, a smile…and that’s just a few words to describe what she is to me. When I visit home I always make a visit to her. Now that she’s in a different state I’m going to have to find a little more time to squeeze in our porch visit…but I hope that I can. Love you Liz.

I went back to finish my dental work yesterday.

Guess who cracked the crowns during the fitting…

This girl….

I was just saying how I was starting to enjoy the dentist…I need to learn to just keep my mouth shut. Hah. Every man in my family has been trying to teach me that lesson for years.

I must have cried for 3 hours yesterday. I felt bad that I cracked the crowns. I felt bad because my appointment was so long and I didn’t want to be in pain but I was. I was crying for so many reasons and the only way I got the tears to stop…was to walk. My friend Sachiko has spent HOURS with me at the dentist. Translating. She should be paid from both ends. Unfortunately, I couldn’t finish any of the work that needed to be done. I will go back and be put under to resume what was started. L

My eyelids were swollen this morning and my head is still pounding. Nothing like a cry hangover to begin the day.

Now that it is the end of June…I can tell you that nearly the entire month of June has kicked my butt. Looking back, it actually started in May.

6/26

Cried on the phone with my best friend yesterday.

Got a package from my mama including hot tamales from my dad. Got a card from my sweet Kristy.

I get sad that I can’t be at home to hug and cheer my parents up (be their sunshine). But my friend Sachiko said that the sun shines across the ocean and can still be felt even though I’m here. I loved that. But yesterday, I experienced that. My people in Spokane have been a big source of sunshine for me the past few days. Thank you for that. You have helped me and I feel your love. You have been a big part of getting out of bed in the morning.

Tomorrow I get to celebrate YUCHAN’s BIRTHDAY!!!! In Japan, birthdays aren’t a big deal. I guess at home they really aren’t a huge deal either…

But in Japan birthdays are almost nonexistent. I feel happysad to be celebrating people and making a big deal about their birthdays. Happy because I am glad I get to love/appreciate/celebrate them on their special day, but sad that I might be the first person to ever make a big deal about the day they were BORN.

I think it is kind of exciting for my friends here. Excitement might not be the right word. But I think it is a new love that some are feeling for the first time.

Birthdays of loved ones…the greatest holiday of the year.

Some happies:

Firefly hunting (looking)

Seeing students playing in the river, shoes off, laughing

Package from home

Letters from friends

7/3/19

Happy July. At the end of this month I will have been in Japan for an entire year. I’m still trying to figure out where my heart and mind are at. Life doesn’t usually kick my butt like it is right now.

I went to Awaji Island for the weekend and had an incredible time. I got to spend time with children which can heal anybody’s hurts.

I’m trying to say yes to as many opportunities as I can. I will go to a few upcoming festivals and spend time with friends.

The easy thing to do is go home and go to bed. Which I’ll admit…some days I do. But, I’m trying not to.

Got put out for my dental work a few days ago. I remember it still hurting a little. I have one more appointment left and the work in that area of my mouth is finished. I’m pretty friendly with the staff at my dentist now. They have seen me laugh, cry, sleep…they know me well.

I have yet to wrap this blog up because there is no good way to wrap up sad.

July I am looking forward to the star festival, a trip to Kyoto, my dad’s birthday, an adventure with new friends and hopefully some time to reflect, grow, let go of anger, and find myself again.

Also, I have shaved half of my head…. 😮

Glad to be living where the sun always rises.

illie.

Come on Rachel. Let’s do this.
July 3, 2019
Waiting for Tragedy

January has come and gone with a quickness that most months do. Some days go slow, but the weeks go fast and the months disappear without notice.

I’ve spent (the shortest) 6 months of my life in Japan. This being said, 6 more months was not going to be long enough for me to accomplish all that I hope to. I am excited to say, I have 18 months left here in Japan! Someone asked me my new years resolution and I nearly laughed…I don’t exactly believe in NY resolutions. I think everyday is a new beginning. But this year, I want to explore and travel Japan.

I didn’t ride my bike for almost two weeks. When I got back on my bicycle for my ride to work…an 11 minute bike ride took me 20 minutes. By the end of the week I was able to get the ride down to 14 minutes… Lesson: Taking breaks from anything makes you weaker.

My sewing obsession has followed me to Japan. I have a newfound love for beads now too. My bead collection is bigger than it was when I was a child, making 100 bead long string necklaces…

Hello Happy

Some of my favorite things that have happened recently: I got some amazing Christmas cards from friends in the USA. I’ve been asking students questions about things I don’t understand in Japan. The answers I get are PERFECT.

Q: I don’t understand why nobody smiles at me on the train… A: Using the train is not funny. [Easy enough, I LOVE that answer.] Also, smiling on the train is an invitation to talk and most people find talking on the train to be torture.

Q: Why do the teachers move rooms, why don’t students? A: Teachers want a perfect body.

Q: I don’t know why students laugh at me… A: We are loving you. [This was a big misunderstanding. When I felt students were laughing at me, it hurt my feelings…but its more of a conversation opener and students showing affection.]

At my favorite Ramen shop, I am officially a regular. No longer need a menu, my order is known. I’ve always dreamed of being a regular somewhere, preferably not a bar. I’m ecstatic with my new badge of honor there. The people there talk to me quickly in Japanese. I can almost understand what they are saying but they must think I do. We are figured out how to communicate using different languages and I think it is incredible.

I wanted return to Judo this week. I am looking forward to learning/practicing Judo but the burns on my elbows are just now healed and I’m exhausted, lately. I hope to get back at it, soon.

Today, students played a Japanese card game. It was played by grade level. It took place in the gym and awards were presented after. It was awesome! In the states we do not have anything like this.

Silly things that I LOVE~! My dad always walks behind me and bumps the back of my knee. If he gets me good enough, I nearly fall to the ground. That is also a thing here in Japan!! I laughed when I did it to someone and they had a name for it and told me it was a common joke like move.

I taught friends that if you focus on the other persons elbow you will have the greatest high-five ever. Practiced that as well as the back of knee taps.

I ordered a bookshelf off of Amazon. When I received the bookshelf I could not help but laugh. I had to put it together but all of the instructions were in Japanese. Got the tools out and hammered that baby together! 🙂

I am amazed by the weather right now. It is late January and the beauty of the sun is blinding. When the clouds are not covering the sun it brings enough warmth making 30s and 40 degree weather feel like a hot stove just opened-warming you to the bones.

I’m starting to understand the process of how students move up into the next grade. It is mind-blowing. I’m taken so far back by the amount of work students have to do at such young ages. Maybe it is so shocking because all I knew before was my experience.

In my experience…you go to the school nearest your home. Elementary and then to your middle school and lastly high school. Public education was always free for me. I did have to pay to take the SATS and apply for college…

Students in Japan may start as young as 6th grade, applying for different schools. Students apply for public schools. Public schools are paid for by families. For example, right now I have helping a student prepare for her interview for the high school she dreams of going to. Each school has limited openings and you must have certain scores on tests and be ranked against the students at your school. Ranking of where you are at is extremely important for students here.

Students take a test which depends on the high school they want to attend. Students may be a multiple subject test with an oral interview in English and Japanese. This is to see if the school will accept the student into the public school. EVERY child has to do some variation of this process to ensure they go to high school. Student’s tell me they are always studying, but now I understand why. Schools here are also leveled by ability…

Pressure exists. As a foreigner I can see it and I can feel it and now I understand it. Students are going through a process similar to college applications, at the young age of 15. These students have to ace interviews that are similar to interviews I had to attempt in order to get a teaching job. I hope throughout my time here I can lessen the pressure for some students and help them acquire the skills they need to feel confident about their future.

When I look at these students, I see kids. Kids that should be playing hide and go seek, kick the can, riding bikes until dark…but the reality is that these students spend most of their time studying and especially now when the tests/interview exams are around the corner. Where I see children…others see young adults.

What I’ve been appreciating about Japan in addition to what I’ve already mentioned…

Students. Building relationships with students people in the community.

Teachers. I work with a great group of teachers.

The kotatsu I have-a Japanese heating table.

Sunshine-it is beautiful when the sun is shinning and that has been a lot! I saw someone (in JANUARY) with their top down in a convertible.

Flowers: Still blooming and growing IN WINTER.

Pen Pal letters!! My students here in Japan have gotten their letters back from America. I’m as excited as the kiddos.

Surprise (to me!)

High school entrance

How many words/phrases don’t translate

The green traffic light (go) is called BLUE here. Blue/green use to be interchangeable

Students are teaching me Kanji. COOL!

There are only dirt fields at Japan middle schools. No grass.

Really, no grass anywhere. I feel kind of weird when I see dogs using the street as their toilet. I don’t think my dog would know what to do if it has to use cement as his canvas.

Craft stores here nice. I can’t find rainbow thread though which is strange since rainbows are LOVED here. Fabric is expensive and good quality.

I never hear people sneeze? [Wait I just did hear it…but maybe I don’t notice because no one says bless you or acknowledges it. Since I have written this-I have heard LOTS of sneezed and I also have sneezed more?]

I love the Yamaha motorcycles that I see here. Classic. On the way home I saw one for about $ 1,300 and I’m tempted. If the driving pattern were the same as USA’s I wouldn’t think twice.

School lunch as been delicious.

I HAD THE BEST GYOZA. Gyoza=pot stickers. This time instead of pot sticker shape-it looked like a piece of friend chicken (drum stick). It was the BEST.

I’m either sweating or freezing at school. Sometimes the heat is on, sometimes all the windows are open. After riding my bike to work though, I’m always sweating…until it dries and I’m then frozen.

When I go to help a student they complete an entire sentence in Japanese and then I say, “Eigo” [eggo] (English) and we laugh. Students speak Japanese naturally and by accident and when I listen then say English-we always laugh. Even if I understand, I want them to try and communicate using English.

Flowers are a big deal here. There are tons of flower shops. We order flowers online in America. I don’t even know where a local flower shop is at home.

I’ve learned that communication is easy. You just have to be willing to try.

Japan is a pretty interesting place. I love it. I love the people, the culture, the students… I am glad to be here.

Processing…

Only continue if you can do so:

with

Grace and without judgement.

Current day-Phil and I

I think one of the greatest tragedies of the world is when children are forced to grow up. However, positive lessons are rarely taught in positive ways. We grow up when we are ready but now that I’m thinking about it, there is a situation, a time and a place where something happens that forces us to grow up. I feel for the children in the world who go through this at a time when their biggest worry should be how late they can ride their bike or if they get the best smelling scratch and sniff sticker. I remember when I met the harshness of the world. The next 10 years of my life were spent trying to figure out how I could save the people I love. I’m still trying to stomach the fact that I can’t. The next 10 years after that were spent still in the chaos of the storm, reacting, overly cautious, afraid of what each day would bring.

When I was 24 years old I was a first year teacher in Arizona. The school year had finished and I was excited as ever to get back to Washington to see my friends and family. My dad and I drove back and had a ball. The summer was starting off great, I was happy, excited, hopeful and ready to have the summer of a lifetime.

I had been in Spokane for less than 24 hours. I was driving down 29th with my best friend, going by the light on Perry. It was my first night back in town and home for the summer. I felt like I was on top of the world. Laughing with my best friend, heading out to get into mischief… My dad was calling. For the first time in my life I didn’t expect bad news from my dad calling multiple times in a row. I was finally past, waiting for tragedy. After answering, my world didn’t just stop, my heart and soul did too. I was no longer able to drive. Kate took over driving while I continued breathing heavily, dizzy, knees shaking, more scared than I have ever been (to this day).

Nobody will ever understand what I felt, until they go through it (and I hope that you never do). The opposite is also true…I will never understand what you go through until I experience it.

Waiting for tragedy is an ugly place to be. It is a waste of daylight, loss of sleep, it is an all-consuming place that got the best of me for far too long. I wish I could say I was out of the woods when it comes to expecting/waiting for “the other shoe to drop” but the anxiety and fear of tragedy lingers around.

Maybe I let the fear of tragedy hang around so that I am better prepared for when it strikes. But the truth is, there is no way to be prepared.

When we use to go visit my grandparents in Nebraska, I dreaded leaving. I would look out the airplane window during take off and hear tears of my loved ones falling. It wasn’t until I was in middle school or so that I realized why my mom and dad always cried when we left Nebraska. I imagine that they were thinking, “Next time I come here, my mom/dad may not be alive anymore” or “that may be the last time I see my mom/dad”. Several times, they ended up being right. I cannot get past the thought of losing people I love. It breaks me into thousands of tiny pieces. Love is such a deep connection especially between family…that there is no way to ever be ready for what is to come.

You see, my parents protect(ed) me from a lot. I didn’t always know when the world was spinning out of control. My dad informing me of the chaos meant death.

Side note: I know that I’m not a parent…but I believe whole heartedly that it is a parents job to protect their children from dangerous chaos. Let me begin with a disclaimer: My parents protected me. My parents never knowingly or purposely put me in a situation of dangerous chaos. Sure, we found ourselves in some crappy situations but my parents never caused it or forced me to go through it. Thank you for that. Children who group up in chaos become comfortable with it and begin to look for it. As a teacher, I see this and I understand it. I resist the temptation to feel sorry for children and instead try to encourage and help children find resilience, courage, dignity, empathy and a way to be better. In times like this I am reminded of how incredible children are. Living in chaos requires a person to begin living in a constant state of fight or flight-stress response. Fight or flight is activated when there is a perceived threat and people must function in this state to remain. Stress response should be short lived. Once the situation has passed your body returns to the normal state. This is not true for all of us. Some of us are living in a constant state of stress response and experience negative side effects(sweaty palms, heart racing, reduced sleep, headaches). Children should be protected from this instead of forced to live a life in which fight or flight is required in order to survive. Chaos can be beautiful or dangerous. The kind of chaos I’m talking about right now is the exposure to dangerous, unpredictable people and situations. This is the stuff I feel passionately about. Nobody should have to navigate through the “hard stuff” alone when these events have been experienced and lived through by many.

I can’t comprehend the pain of some situations because I have not lived them but I sure will listen and love.

My dad was calling me to tell me I needed to come say goodbye, to my brother. I arrived at the hospital a short time after the phone call. I ran inside and back into the emergency room where I saw my brother laying lifeless, clothes cut off, machines keeping him alive.

Seeing this was: frightening, upsetting, maddening, saddening…more emotions that I can find the words for. My brother had overdosed and was to end his days in that bed. I did not leave the hospital for the next 24 hours maybe even 48, until I was assured that Phil was in a coma and would not die without notice. I stayed at the hospital most nights. I’d seen a number of movies where people would magically come out of a coma because they could feel or hear the love in the room. Now I know, that is only in the movies. I would hold Phil’s hand, play our favorite songs, talk to him, yell at him, pray for him and just watch him. I thought I would be his reason for waking up. Sometimes, his hand would twitch in mine. I thought he was squeezing my hand. But this lasted days and wasn’t a squeeze of love or an “it’s okay sis, I’m coming”. It had been weeks of a coma, seizing and wonder. Wonder what would happen next, wondering if he would survive, wondering how we would survive…

From the ER we moved into ICU. Here, Some light started to come out of the situation. By light, I mean life. Phil had opened his eyes but was unable to talk, eat, walk, or communicate. He was no longer the person we all knew. Not long after, Phil went back into a coma.

It is hard to recount the steps that we took or recall the days that have passed…but as I am typing this out I have that same feeling in my stomach, frog in my throat and unsettling thought of what life is for some people.

In the summer to come many tears were shed by the family, nights were spent awake and days were spent at the hospital. There was not much happy in these days but there was a wedding of one of my brothers and a chance for the entire family to be together. The weeks and months to come were filled with steps forwards and leaps backwards and a mistake made by one that all of us were forced to learn from.

July came quick and I needed to head back to Arizona for my job. This was not an option for me at that time. With my brother was in and out of the ICU, leaving was not an ideal situation for me. I wouldn’t let it be a situation at all and with careful consideration I resigned from my teaching position in Arizona and stayed home where I felt I needed to be.

Phil is a warrior. He always has been. He was not supposed to survive this. I think of my family as an army. We have fought some dark battles [together] and we have won all but not without sustaining injury.

Phil got into Saint Luke’s rehabilitation center which became our home for the next month where Phil learned to walk, talk,write, eat, and do everyday skills that you learn as a child. We were not out of the clear…there were many ambulance rides back to the ER and several questions that still haven’t been answered. But after his time at Saint Luke’s, we walked out of there together.

Sadly, when my dad calls several times-my heart pounds. When I call my parents several times, I’m sure the same happens for them.

When I don’t hear from my brothers I begin to panic.

When my brothers tell me that they love me…I question why they are saying that.

We have added people to the family since, made mends and ripped too many stitches. But here we are. All six of us are still around, happy and healthy (I like to think).

20 years after meeting chaos…I am now what some would consider to be a professional with chaos. A master of chaos. I can welcome chaos and take care of the situation at hand. I’ve been in many ambulance rides, handled many adult like problems and become a comfort to those who find themselves going through similar situations that I have. This stuff-it is not good. It’s not something that most people share. But this, this has made me who I am. I’ve never been embarrassed of the hard stuff. To me this is a testimony of my family, our greatness, strength, resilience and love.

Positive lessons are rarely taught in positive ways

Take care of yourself. Impact people positively. Be sunshine in somebody’s dark day.

Also-I made a peanut butter and bacon sammy last night. It has been a long time since I’ve had one of those!

Thank you for being you.

illie

January 23, 2019
Gas Tank Full of Freedom

12/10/18 +

At the top of my TO DO list for Japan, I have: Fall in Love. Above all else, while I am here my goal is to fall in love,

with myself.

Oh my goodness. It has almost been a month since I went home to the USA. Since I have been back-it has been a whirlwind.
I’ve been talking with my friends and brother about traveling around Japan. I feel like I am missing out by not exploring. But the thing is-every time I step out of my apartment, it is an adventure. I haven’t traveled Japan yet but I am planning to. Once leaving my home is no longer an adventure, I will start checking items off of my bucket list.

This being said…I’ve already been in Japan for nearly 5 months. That means I am almost half way through my year in Japan.

As a teacher-I am growing like a weed. I am gaining so much experience teaching English as a second language. I have no doubt that this opportunity is helping me grow as much as a teacher, as it is a person.

Thinking about my growth and overall, how much I have changed since I was a child…this quote was very humbling. There are wonderful humans out there who are evil in my story-the thought of being the evil in somebody else’s gives me those dirty moths in my stomach. I think this is why it is so important to remember that people will never forget the way you made them feel.

I’ve made some people feel really awful in my past. If you are reading this and you are one of them-I apologize. There are several people I have reached out to and personally apologized..but you know what? People that made me feel bottom of the barrel awful, they never apologized. That is okay, but I remember the way you made me feel, the times you caused me pain. Thanks to you, I’m a way fresher person than I use to be. By fresher…I mean more: Resilient, kind and happy.

Right now, Japan is where I am meant to be. I know this because I see personal growth as well as professional. People should be living a life that makes them better. Being here, is making me better. I also hope to be making people better here. At school I try to make sure students know that I see them. Not like I see them up to no good, or goofing around…

but that I see them, I care and that they are enough.

Adventures since I’ve been back from the United States.

HOT SPRINGS! My dear friend took me to Arima hot springs. This is one of the most ancient onsen’s in Japan. This hot spring is a rusty orange color because of all of its natural components. There are very few hotsprings in the world that have this many elements. This is similar to a public bath. You wash your body off and get into a small pool like tub. Yes, naked. Yes, with other people. Boys and girls are separated. At this onsen there were no tattoos allowed. Having a number of them, Sachiko and Moko helped me cover all of them with bandaid like tattoo covers. Lots of laughs and giggles while we did this.

There were three different baths at this Onsen. After each bath you put your clothes on and walk to the next location. We took part in a buffet beforehand, all you can eat Japanese food! I tried everything. Because I will always try things at least once.

On the way home We stopped to admire fall leaves. This was a breath taking forest of trees with more color than imaginable.

Sachiko also took me for a drive through the country side. This was my first time seeing “country side” here in Japan. It reminded me more of home than anything else here, has. The roads were bigger, everything was more spread out and it wasn’t as busy. It felt kind of like driving on the Palouse, but not.

I ate Shabu shabu. And…a snail. Because I have to try everything at least once…SUPER COOL meal to eat and the company was nice too!

Snails are like slugs. I HATE slugs. So taking this snail out of its shell to eat was a first and last time event for me. After dinner I gave Pachinko a try and searched for wild bores. You know how much I love hunting for animals. Hunting to me is just searching with my eyeballs and jumping with excitement when I see a creature. This night may have ended with Super Mario. Most of my nights do. HAH.

I have actually been lost now. Like, wandering for an hour just looking for something that I was familiar with. In an hour, I reached my step goal, had no wifi and 12% battery on my phone. My map was no help because I was in an area I had never been. I never found anything familiar, a train station, or free wifi. I also wasn’t at my best. I walked until I saw a cab pulled over. I’m sure I sounded half dead as I said, “Ride?”. I got an Ok. Got a ride to my bicycle. The ride was 35 minutes and worth every single YEN.

All Japan Pro Wrestling!

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I went to watch professional wrestling in JAPAN! Cool huh? The coolest part is I got to see an old friend from Spokane, WRESTLE in Japan!! I personally find that to be insanely incredible. The odds in that happening have got to be low to none.

I went with a coworker and his friend. They are huge fans of pro-wrestling. All around, amazing night with great people. So fun to see someone from home, here in Japan. I get excited seeing someone I know at the grocery store in Spokane so you can probably imagine my joy in seeing people in Japan. Parrow and Odinson took the W in a tag team match. Whoop whoop.

I’m looking forward to seeing another Professional wrestling show while I am here.

I’ve got some time off coming up for Winter break. I work on Christmas. First time, working on Christmas. I have many special birthdays to celebrate the day after Christmas. These people are more dear to my heart and soul than I can say. I hope you can feel my love from Japan. Happy Birthday (Dec 26^th) To my MAMA, KRISTY, and LOIS! I’ve been thinking about you since December began and I’ll be celebrating you all month long. Heck, I celebrate the three of you all year long.

Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear, Mama, Kristy, and Lois, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.

With a break coming up, I have considered going home…but I really want to explore the country I live in. If I go home every chance I get-I won’t ever see this whole new world. (This week in class students are singing-A whole new world.) It dropped 30 degrees over the past week. Last week I was riding my bike in a Tshirt and enjoying the colors of fall. Today, I wore my long johns, beanie and winter jacket. I think this is one of the first times I have worn a beanie for warmth. I never realized how cold my ears get when I have a hat on. Now that I think about it…I haven’t ridden a bike in the fall in probably 15 years…I just forgot the feeling of COLD hitting my cheeks and sneaking through my strands of hair up to my ears.It was 39 degrees when I woke up this morning. Last week it was 70 degrees. That is a pretty drastic change in such a short amount of time.

Last week

This week

My morning commute consists of these minor yet major inclines. Some days I ride up the entire way, sometimes I make it half way…and this week for the first time I started walking my bike at the bottom. My legs are getting stronger. I couldn’t make it to the top my first time. Hah. Now I spend the first 10 minutes of my bike ride, wondering how much effort I want to put forth in order to save myself one minute riding up VS walking up.Giggling. I love that my daily decisions start here…Well actually even earlier my hardest decision is what I will wear. Feel like a small child, going to a drawer, closing my eyes and wearing whatever I pull out.

I rearranged my apartment, which I have done a few times now. It makes things feel…fresh.

At school, students had a tournament. Girls played volleyball and boys played handball. I saw lots of smiles during this and I couldn’t stop thinking about how cool it was that students could have a handball tournament, at school. Last week, we had a marathon day. Students choose the distance they would run and ran anywhere from 1km to 10 km. More than half of the school choose 10km!! I choose 3km and my running partner helped me keep a good pace the entire time. Probably my fastest mile since 4th grade.

I’ve sent out many letters and postcards recently. I’m the biggest fan of mail. I hope if you receive mail, it gives you some happy in your heart. That is my goal, to spread happy. We started penpals too!! Seeing the students write to my kiddos at home, made me glow. *Hours after writing this, I checked my mail and what do you know-I HAD A LETTER FROM A DEAR FRIEND. Thank you sister. This is my favorite card.

My refrigerator is empty. Probably a good time to start the whole30. I have been yearning for a redbull. I haven’t given in. I’d get so jacked up if I had a redbull, I probably can’t handle them anymore. I could drink a 20Oz redbull and take a nap. I was looking at how much caffeine was in the tea I am drinking…20-30MGs. I was drinking 200+mgs a day… When I take Tylenol-I take 2 extra strength tablet, each 500mgs. Here, the pain killer I got was similar to a 25mg ibuprofen and was to be taken every six hours.

I felt like I really lived here the first time I wore a mask. When I came back from the USA, I was feeling pretty nasty. I didn’t want to spread these USA germs…because I worry that they might be stronger (like how medicines are stronger in the USA). That’s my reasoning. Everything is stronger at home so the germs must be too.

However, the breath mints here are way stronger. They about knock your socks off!

The apples are bigger.

You rent movies at a rental shop.

I’ve made some great relationships with students. I have students helping me learn Japanese. At lunch time I eat with a class. I enjoy this time, talking with students and eating new foods. The other day at lunch it was an entire (small) fish, with its head and skin still on…I tried a bite but then I had to give the rest away. I don’t like to see a creatures face unless I’m out hunting (looking) for them.

Japan Amazon is my favorite. I could order something today and have it within 24 hours. That’s crazy.

I’m still tired from the weekend. I think tonight might be a night of 12+ hours of sleep. That means I can go to bed at 7. That sounds magical. I’m such a baby. Dane-I wish you were here. I know you would fit in well with me on a Friday night! Have yet to meet someone with our mindset.

Update-I went to bed at 11pm and woke up at 3am. Sleeping just wasn’t in the cards for me last night. Urg. Try again tonight. My sleep still isn’t quite right for some reason. Anxiety, dokidoki? Unsure. I was wishing that I was a preschooler again and my mom cold pick my clothes out and dress me because that was a demanding task this morning.

Oh yes. Last thing. I had a sentimental Clark Griswald moment last night as I recalled the happiness of life as a child. Last night I sat and watched a home video from 27 years ago. In this video, I was 1, my brothers were 5, 7 and 9 and my parents were 38. It is Christmas Eve and Christmas. I love hearing my parents voices, they still sound the same. I melted hearing all of our little voices. When you are little, life should be this wonderful. It makes me sad that it isn’t this way for all children. Since this video, everything has changed but nothing at the same time. That’s impossible, but it is true.

As always, glad to be apart of your day.

illie

JapanLife

December 11, 2018