Just be

Category: control

Compilation: The first half of 2021
Alright, alright alright! Here we go. I had 5 blogs started so I’m going to throw them altogether and see what I end up with. So-here we go. My first half of 2021 in review.

January 2021:

2021! Welcome. This year is off to an extra special start.

Where were you when the new year struck?

Me, I was under water on a night dive. I entered the water in the last hour of 2020 and I exited within the first hour of 2021!

It was an exciting experience. In the past month I have gone from a 1 dive girl to double digits-17 dives deep! I am working on getting my advanced open water diving certificate.

Under water is really a cool place to be. I was asked while on a dive trip with my favorite dive shop- OhanaWith in Numazu.

Why did you start diving?

The easy answer…I don’t know.

The real answer…I wanted to do something I was scared of. That is why I started. I’m continuing it because I want to master something that I never thought I’d do. I want to master this new exciting hobby that is bringing joy, health and wealth into my life.

I’m reflecting a bit on some of the heart work I’ve been doing. I’ve hosted some resentment within me because I felt invisible at times throughout my life. I thought others weren’t seeing me…turns out-I made myself invisible.

This is a hard reality for me to stomach. Why would someone want to be invisible?

Well-the answer is-at times it probably saved my life. There were times it was safe and easy to be invisible. It was something I held tight to unknowingly though and I’m ready to let it go.

This winter I had a moment where I tried to go invisible. I felt like a hassle to those I was with and I felt unwanted. This in no way was what was happening but in my mind, it was. That is where I need to expand my heart, mind and soul. This only reflects myself, the way I feel about myself. I developed this victim mentality that I thought I let go of years ago. I remember being a teenager thinking “Why is this happening to me…” I now know that the things that I thought were happening to me…were not even about me. It was about them.
February 2021:

Lose yo’self.

Not.
March 2021

There is only one way forward…and that is forward.

I rented a motorcycle. What an ADVENTURE. During my 24 hour rental I had this…revelation. The only way forward, is…drumroll please……………….

FORWARD

Seems obvious. However, when we drive, we look back with the mirrors. On the motorcycle there were times when I was looking back, so concerned that I was an inconvience for the person behind me, I would pull over. The mirror is an important tool. Necessary for safety and more importantly, is what is ahead.

I am…The person I want to be. Each day I strive to be better than the day before. My call of action-reflection, action, manifestation.
April 2021

Life is full of big decisions. Ones that change a moment, a day, and your entire life.

Frightening or freeing depending on how you look at it.

I’m days off of Zoloft which I’ve taken since I was 23 years old. Frightening or freeing depending on how I see it.
May 2021

Started Aikido and came while reading a book about it I came across the FAQ.

Does Aikido make you “strong”?

Answer: The development of spiritual strength will give you the unshakable confidence to meet any challenge that is true strength.
June 2021

The wisdom inside of you-the you inside of you that loves you more than anybody else in the world-That you doesn’t need to be found, they need to be uncovered. -Annie Grace words. Powerful.

Too drunk to drive in the morning. THE NEXT MORNING. Has that ever happened to you?

You ever laughed about that with friends the next morning?

I wish I could say no-. However, at that time in my life I actually thought it was funny.

Seems like ages ago. Well those mornings have been years ago. I took breaks from drinking here and there. Months at a time. Now, I’m currently on my 6th month of choosing not to drink-because I don’t want to. Who knew, paradise was right here in my own home. Saturnine mornings, 5 AM woken up by the sunlight, refreshed and ready to start the day. Headaches that are curable, anxiety that is non-existent. It took me awhile to make this a solid space of living and now that I have I often find myself so happy at myself because I am able to rise with the sun, headache free and happy.

Not only headache free. I’m nearly 2 months Zoloft free.

8 years of Zoloft. I thought I was taking a pill that kept me safe. Made me feel safe. Took care of my nightmares…I thought a pill was that magical. Little did I know, I hold so much more power within myself.

I am that powerful.

I was told I would likely be on Zoloft the rest of my life. Thankfully, I found myself in a safe situation, place and environment where I was able to give it a go. The withdrawals were notable. The chills, headaches, dizziness and nightmares came and have since went.

One night…So notable I am going to share it. This was a week or so off of Zoloft and the nightmares that began all those years ago returned. I woke up and began to panic. I was crying, unable to calm myself and I was awake. I was looking around my room trying to convince myself that I was safe-because I was.

This night, it took me 20 minutes with some help of my energy sensei to get back to center in a place where I was able to lay back down. When I began Zoloft it was because I had these same nightmares and I would stay up the entire night, scared out of my mind. This was the same nightmare but this time instead of 12 plus hours to get back in my body, right here right now, it took me 20 minutes. Growth.
This first six months of 2021 has been a lot of heart, mind, soul growth and expansion. It’s been healthy. I’ve been practicing energy work, wim hof, ocean diving, aikido and added some new ink to my body too. One more dive course and I’m into the rhelm of professional divers. YES!

Life is easy and life is good. Let it be.

https://videopress.com/v/PAAiysIK?preloadContent=metadata

Here’s to the next six months of magic.

illies

Rachel
June 27, 2021
PNW raised, Japan saved
HAPPY JUNE!!

May 1, 2020 (I’m currently finishing up this blog and it is now June 9th…this blog is events from the past five months.)

Hey you! Stop, collaborate and listen…I’m getting older so if you don’t finish that line-just consider it a generation gap. ICE IS BACK WITH MY BRAND NEW INVENTION.

Happy, healthy, free, beautiful and safe. This has been the words I’ve repeated everyday for at least two months. Sometimes hundreds of times a day. When I began…I knew these words all hold a place deep in my bones and now I feel them.

Find what you need and bring them to your life.

A year ago my dad was here.
Right now Japan isn’t allowing flights inbound.

I’ve been away from home for my longest stent yet with no future plans of returning. I’m starting to clean up and pack for my next adventure.

My next adventure. Wow.

My trip to Thailand was cancelled-because of the virus. School has been cancelled for a month and will be postponed for another month. At home, school has been cancelled for the rest of the year.

The world is in a strange place. I hope you are staying healthy.

For my 30^th birthday I spent the day with a few friends. We ate lunch at my favorite burger shop and had cake. Relaxing way to enter my 30s.
Not too much has happened in the past month. I’ve spent days at a time at home alone. I’ve had limited social interactions which I guess I was already use to, having been in Japan for a year and a half.

It better prepared me for this pandemic. I have limited social interactions and many of the interactions I have daily require a mass amount of energy. On top of the energy it requires to do simple things, much of the message is lost in translation.

That is something I miss. I miss the easiness of relationships. I miss the communication that is understood through verbal and non-verbal communication.
My fears have evolved so much in the past two years. I use to be afraid of anything and everything. My friends, I’d have them WATCH me walk to my car at night. I’d have my mom wait up for me if I was going to come home late. I never slept with my windows open because that is terrifying. Pull up to a stoplight, make sure the doors are locked. Headphones in when walking, no way. I use to hear sounds at night and it would scare me so badly I would stay up ALL NIGHT because sleeping when you are that scared is out of the question.
I’m in a completely different place in life, literally and figuratively. My anxiety and depression are at bay and manageable. I do have days where I do breakdown but I consider that a normal part of life-not linked to my depression and anxiety. My fears have evolved because my anxiety is manageable and I no longer worry about the things that use to hurt me. I’m coming to terms with the fact that it was never other people/things/events that hurt me. It was me, hurting ME. Figuring that out felt like a pounds of pressure off my chest. I can breathe easier.

The only person I can control is myself. I cannot control others. What someone else does is no reflection on me or who I am. Geographically moving doesn’t fix depression/anxiety but it has helped me manage mine. Sometimes all you need is boundaries and the way you acquire them varies. My boundaries and freedom came from moving out of the country. My freedom and safety came from digging deep within. I still have a lot to unpack and to tell you the truth I’m scared to do it. I have memories and years I cannot remember. I know they are in me somewhere and there’s a reason I can’t remember. When I’m ready, I’ll start digging.

6/1/2020

I stopped writing a month ago because thinking about unpacking the past put me into a frenzy. It made me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I’m not in the headspace to do this, yet. So for now-I’ll document the things I have been in the headspace to do!

February:

23rd: Osaka aquarium
24th: pole dancing show

March

7: Got out of the house and went to a singles event to meet new people.

8: Went to a friends house to meet her bunny and prairie dogs! Prairie dogs, as pets!
Started sewing at school because students were no longer coming. Listened to hours of 48 hours podcasts, made bags, pencil cases and blankets.
Went to an old students house to meet her family and have lunch.
MORE sewing
Hair became long enough for pig tails
Trip to Thailand cancelled

Last days at my most recent school and the last day at a school I’ve gone to once a month for the past year and a half. Cried on the way out of both.
April

Mom’s trip to Japan, cancelled

End of March/beginning of April…wrote and sent out about 50-100 happies to friends all over America. They have yet to receive them…
Chipped my front tooth. Again.

Made an address book.
Sakura season
New school

May:
Work from home days because of COVID19.

More sewing
Set some savings goal so I can buy a little Suzuki motorcycle during my next adventure.

Found out that my kid is actually a girl, after naming her, BOY (Otokonoko).
Mother’s Day-love you mom.

Beach days
2 full days sitting with my sadness and letting it out

More beach days

Began packing
Hikes with friends

Last week I began running.

Chipped my front tooth again-dental work
Some weird mystery infection.

Immigrations office

That brings us here, to June. I’m still waiting for a refund for my trip to Thailand. Hoping to squeeze it in at some point.

Hoping mom will be able to come visit sooner rather than later.

School started back up today. Half the students come in the AM and the other half in the PM. That way students are distanced and we can sanitize between groups. Students have 4 classes that are each a half hour. I’ll begin classes tomorrow. I CAN’T WAIT.

I’ve finalized my plans for moving. I’ve hired a moving company and began packing. HappySad.

I’m ready to be back in the classroom full time. I’m anxious, excited and full of hope and energy thinking forward.

As usual, leaving will be hard. It always is.

Getting close to people is hard. I didn’t use to think that. It has always been easy but I have never been the person leaving until now.

Sometimes while I’m riding my bike and I see something like…kids napping while riding on the front or back of a bicycle…I think, what a different life it is here. NO SKUNKS. People rarely get stung by bee’s. I love finding out these silly little things. JOY.

When I moved here everything was new and now its all normal. Bicycles riding everywhere, no pattern to the foot/bike traffic. No garbage cans in public places, the normality of drinking, being completely covered in summer not letting skin show, the cost of fruit and the amount of people on trains. Things that once blew my mind I can go through a day and not notice anymore.

I’m excited for my next journey. For all the newness and freshness. The excitement that comes with new experiences, new relationships and new challenges.
I’ll have a heck of a time leaving Nishinomiya. I appreciate the sadness and difficulty though, because where the pain exists, love exists.

This is the place where I started to become the person I want to be. This is the place that saved a girl who didn’t know she needed saving.

The world is in a sad place right now. Keep being light
Shout out to BLMkansai. We went this weekend to support the movement and it was incredible. I am happy to be apart of something so great. It was well organized and carried out smoothly. Way to go Kansai and the organziers.
Until next time.

illie

Rachel

34.746262 135.349312
June 9, 2020
An Open Letter to My Parents
March 28, 2020

Dear Mom and Dad,

Can you believe today is the day? 30 years ago, you brought me into the world. I love birthdays. I believe whole heartily that every single person on earth should be celebrated. That’s a pretty beautiful belief isn’t it?

30 years. THIRTY YEARS. I think it’s a big day for me but I know it’s a bigger day for you. This is the day your life yet again, changed. You had the responsibility of another child. Another being to share your love, attention and life with. Another child to teach patience, kindness, tenderness and truth too.

Here I am. Standing tall and in my own two feet with strong beliefs of kindness and infinite worth.

30 years ago was probably a pretty scary day, for you. Bringing into the world a fourth child and your first girl. Was it scary? Did you worry?…

-Maybe she will do ballet, how would that go over and who would practice with her?

-Maybe she won’t like playing outside…but who will stay inside with her?

-What happens when she accidentally kills a goldfish and lies about it, will she get a spanking or is that life lesson already enough to learn the importance of honesty??

-What happens when she gets her first crush and first broken heart?

-How will I raise her to feel comfortable talking to me?

-How can I help her to be the best that she can be?

I imagine you had thousands of wonderings leading up to this day.

Hell, you probably still do have wonderings that are closely related to predictions, fears or uncertainties.

If you ever found yourself wondering these things let me put your mind at ease with the answers…

-who will she marry? …It doesn’t matter. I’m a strong, confident, and independent individual and IF I meet the person I choose to spend the rest of my life with…you can be confident that they too are strong and confident individuals. You never have to worry about things like that. You raised me to be strong, independent, educated, personable, sincere and ever growing. Let that ease your mind and heart.

-Does she keep things from us? Ignorance is bliss. Isn’t that the truth? However, there isn’t much I keep from you.

-Does she know we did our best? Absolutely.

-Why isn’t she home with family? I’m doing what you’ve always wanted me to do. I’m being happy.

-Is she happy? Guilty.

-Does she know when we are unhappy? You see right through me. I don’t need to say a word and you see my heart. It is your superpower. Here’s the kicker, it’s also my superpower.

While this is a big day for me, it’s a bigger day for you. 30 years ago, you brought into the word a healthy baby girl.

Today you still have a healthy baby girl.

Here’s what I think you might not know…I see you. I always have and I always will.

Here are just a few of life’s lessons that you’ve helped me learn. You can try to guess who guided me through the ugliness to learn the harshness and beauty of the word…but chances are you will see what I’ve always known. You have made the best team. You have navigated a beautifully broken ship through parenting in the toughest of seas.

I imagine every day, you wake up trying to catch your breath, wondering if your ship is under water. Some days it I know it would be easier if the ship just went down. Gasping for breath, each morning- will it be water or air that fills your lungs?…Thank you for always choosing air when it would be easier to drown.

Life lessons:
- Strong people do hard things.
- Just say okay.
- Make the decision or it will be made for you.
- 3s never work.
- It doesn’t get easier.
- 75% of people won’t meet your fancy (to say it nicely).
- Drive safe. Be smart.
- Don’t settle.
- Never get into a car with someone who is drinking.
- Nothing good happens after dark.
- If it seems too good to be true then it probably is.
- One step at a time.
- Head up shoulders back.
- People prove themselves (guilty).
- When in doubt, mad, or anything but calm-don’t talk.
- Walk away.
- Don’t lock the keys in the car-but ALWAYS lock the car AND take everything out of the car because if you leave ANYTHING inside someone WILL break into your vehicle.
- Walk. Get outside and walk. It is good for the heart.
- When you need to have a serious talk with someone, just say, “let’s go on a ride” and get in the car and go.
These are just a few that come to mind off the top of my head.

Sit back, relax and breathe. You did good.

Some traits embedded in me came from your undefeated tag team parenting and some of these traits I’ve gathered in the past 30 years and I’m hoping to plant seeds of hope in you.
- I help people and I bring happiness to people. So do you.
- I love driving with the windows down and whistling.
- I am determined and challenge myself.
- I love flowers, squirrels, Nebraska, sports, music, animals, sunshine, rain, the ocean, rainbows, cars, fishing and people. I have a genuine love for life, not found in many people. Rare species that can only be described as a “Binger”.
- I believe that people do not have to be where they come from. Although it is a STRONG predictor…I dedicate my life to giving children (or anyone who needs them) the tools necessary to be resilient, strong, kind and find light in dark places.
- I’m a teacher of so much more than academics. I hold children to high expectations and guide them through life lessons much like parents do.
- You can add all things beautiful into an equation with the best of intentions and the answer might surprise you, it might still be everything you never wanted. It’s nobodies fault. Some things don’t end up the way you hoped, no matter how hard you work. It has nothing to do with you.
- You can’t change other people.
- I know people and lives are not comparable. Comparison is a root of evil that will take your happiness if you let it.
- Every single person you meet is doing the best they can with what they have.
- A person will do what they are going to do whether you are there or not. You cannot blame yourself.
- Don’t put out into the world something that you don’t want to get back.
- The meanest people need the most love. They are the ones with the deepest pain.
- For Pete’s sake just be nice.
- Life isn’t fair. Never was and never will be. Do your best anyways.
- Things won’t (always) be easy. STRONG people do hard things.
- Bad things happen to good people. How you react and what you do next is your choice.
Sometimes when we hang up the phone, I cry. I know that one day you won’t call me anymore and one day when I need advice, you won’t be there to give it to me. When I think about that, it nearly kills me. I have to work really hard to bring myself back to the present, to right here and right now before a clam moment turns into a panic attack because life without you is a painful thought and a dreadful, fearful, worry.
```
I’m sure you vividly remember moments in these past 30 years where I have said hurtful things to you. You may not remember what I said, but I’m sure you remember the way it made you feel and I’m sorry for that.
```
I want to take this moment to tell you, thank you. I want you to know that you are loved greatly and deeply and appreciated beyond words.
- Thank you for loving me and supporting me.
- Thank you for always doing more and being more, for me.
- Thank you for letting me make mistakes that you knew were in the making even thought it killed you to see me hurt.
- Thank you for teaching me to: ride a bike, drive a car&motorcycle, fish, change the oil, cook chicken, diagnose illness, break a fever, take care of living things and how to love without boundaries. From watching you I have learned: the value in work, education, maintaining things you care about and own whether it be relationships or vehicles, being responsible and taking care of yourself, paying off debt, helping people and doing the things you say you will do…Being brave when you’re scared, being calm in emergency situations, never giving up, and saying sorry when you need to. You have taught me great things just by being you.
- Thank you for correcting my papers and doing math homework with me.
- Thank you for never missing one of my games and playing catch with me.
- Thank you for letting me crush the cranberries and husk the corn.
- Thank you for allowing the people I love and have in my life, enter into our home and come to our BBQ’s and be treated like family.
- Thank you for showing me the value in relationships and family and always making ours work.
- Thank you for reading to me every night.
- Thank you for bringing me into the world, laughing with me, crying with me and helping me become the person I am today.
You once said, “the only thing a parent wants for a child is to see them happy”. That is all I want for you. I want to see you happy. When does it become a wash, when do we just shake hands and come to an agreement to JUST BE HAPPY? I deserve to be happy. No more or no less than the next person. As do you. Every single person on earth deserves to be happy, healthy, free and safe. The only way to do that is from the inside out.

I’m doing it. Are you?

I hope that today you can look back, reflect and let out a sigh of relief. I hope that today as people celebrate me and I celebrate you, that you celebrate all that you have accomplished with this human life that started 30 years ago.

You brought to life a girl who makes the world a better place. A girl who feels the emotions of life and is ever changing and growing into a better person.

You succeeded.

Now, my wish, do what you’ve always dreamed of, whatever it is.

This is your time and your life, I’m living mine too.

I love you. I admire you and I am proud to have come from 100% Nebraska grown, smart, loving, supportive parents.

Be still mama and dad.

Look at the flowers starting to pop. Remember what leads you to tears, will bring you to grace. Your pain is never wasted.

Smile into the sunshine.

Every time you feel the sunshine, let it warm your heart and know that you are warming mine.

When you see the moon, think of me and know that I am thinking of you too.

With love,

Your baby girl,

Rachel Ann.
March 26, 2020
Happy, Healthy, Safe and Free 愛　
私はレイちゃんです。

私はひまわりが好きです 。

Do you know I prefer to go by RayChan

レイちゃん

Instead of RachelSan

レイチェルさん

Sounds more like LayChan. Chan ちゃんhere is used for children. San さんis used for adults. Of course I prefer Chan. It’s only natural. I even got it on my new dentist card after insisting it was what I like to be called and convincing the staff to put it on 🙂

Happy OCTOBER! 10 月

OCTOBER?! What in the world. The past month has been adventure filled and fun packed. I’ve been to one Oktoberfest (in September…I’ll never understand that). I’ve been to the dentist 歯医者…three times and I’ve spent more than 24 hours in bed on several occasions. My friend, Pamela, and I went to 鳥取　Tottori, Japan. This has been on my to do list for the past few months. We got to swim in the Japan sea and see Sand Dunes in JAPAN! Thanks Pam-for helping me get out and about and check things off my list that I’ve been wanting to do. What I love most about our adventures, is the amount of time we spend laughing. Appreciate you.

I rode my bicycle to Costco which was an hour+ ride. I did it mostly for the hotdog.

A beautiful woman made her debut in Heaven and I’ve been keeping busy since.

We had sports day, which I wrote about a YEAR AGO!! The entire school participates in an entire day filled with sports. It is an incredible sight to see. This year I understood what was happening, so it was more exciting, fun and meaningful than last year. Last year I couldn’t wrap my mind around what was happening it was so foreign and new to me.

I spent a day walking around Kobe by myself. I went there to go shopping and didn’t buy a thing…not even a coffee or lunch.

jr駅September 29^th, I did an old rail road hike with some wonderful friends. My favorite days are the ones I get to spend finding bugs/creatures with friends and their children.

I’m going to be traveling to my THIRD country in a few days!! Isn’t that something. 29 years old and just now going to the 2^nd country outside of my own. Taipei, Taiwan! I’m excited.

I’ve got a stomach bug right now which I am trying my best to pass before the flight on Thursday! It will be gone by tomorrow because I’m going to Taipei, WOOOHOOO.

学校　I start a new school next week. Once again,

I’m not afraid of where I’m going…I’m just sad about what I’m leaving.

Every school here has become a special place in my heart. I’ve grown close with students and staff and it will be hard to leave. I hate leaving…But I love arriving.

Life…生活

It’s a weird one.

I’ve fallen off the wagon a bit on taking care of myself. I’m going to get back on though and get back to it.

10/16/2019 Back from Taiwan, my last day at my current school is tomorrow and I’ve had a battle with a stomach bug, Aleve and been thinking about my next (possibly last) 9 months in Japan.

For starters, 5 days in Taiwan was enough me. I got to see some beautiful views, try new foods and explore a city (mostly by foot). We spent an entire day including the FOREVER LONG commute, in Jioufen. This is a famous destination location, mostly for people who have seen the movie Spirited Away, which I have not.

I enjoyed walking through the alley’s and seeing the treasure shops. We got to the bus stop around 11:00am where several people were waiting. Bus 1062. Don’t think I’ll ever forget that number. We were all excited and ready for this great hour adventure to a beautiful and infamous place…

The bus passed us. We laughed. As we generally do. 笑い　Then some foreigners from Shanghai who were doing the same thing as us…luckily let us tag along with them to the main bus stop. The line for the bus…I can only describe with time. It would have taken at least 3 hours to get on the bus and take a 2-hour ride with traffic. We split a cap with 4 other people and took a two-hour cab ride. I’m spending time writing about this because it was memorable for me and hilarious. I got car sick…the roads are bigger than Japan but the number of mopeds is NUTS. The amount of people that ride on one moped was a huge surprise for me. We decided to head home after a couple hours…we waited in line for a bus at least an hour…and proceeded on a three-hour journey back to town…

My world is expanding. Everywhere I go I see and learn so many new things.

Mopeds, wandering dogs and cats, people, smelly foods and treasures. The money took me a bit to figure out. I say that like I figured it out…I just multiplied the price by 3 to get an approximate amount of what the item would be in USD. Spending a 100-dollar bill there was like spending three US dollars. In Japan a one-dollar bill is like a 100-yen coin. The money is MUCH easier to convert in Japan.

10/18/19

Yesterday, I finished at my 3^rd school. It was a hard one to leave for me. Each school I leave, I think…it can’t get harder than this. But each school…it gets harder.

10/25/19 I have been at my new school for a week. Once again, students are brave. This school is much smaller than the other schools I have been at. There are about 34 students in each class. The schools before have always had 40 or so students.

おやすみねさいThe past two nights I’ve been sleeping by 9:30. My new commute is about an hour door to door. I take the bus with high school students in the morning. By the time all the students get on, the bus is so full you almost don’t have to hold on. The buses here are all MANUAL. I think that is the coolest.

I have to start planning at least one trip a month. A trip where I go stay somewhere over night. Last year I started going somewhere each weekend. I hope to get back to that.

誕生日おめでとう

My brother turned 38 yesterday! Happy birthday Tom. I always say, I wonder why so many people “grow up” and I never did. When I say grow up…I mean grow old. People stop looking for bugs, wild animals, exploring nature, laughing at little things and appreciating the small stuff. I love that I never lost that. Yesterday I realized…you never lost that sparkle either. I don’t know how I never saw this similarity between us. We love armadillo hunting, looking for animals, buying bug spray and…you know…

こどもIf a 6-10 year old would enjoy it…we would enjoy it too. I LOVE THIS. I love being like you. I’ve looked up to you since I can remember. You were my first hero. I love you TB. Happy birthday to you.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I’ve been teaching the art of hugs. Many people give hugs where they give your back a half ass pat…those hugs make me think of insincere actions. I know that is not what people mean by them but I have been showing people how I like to embrace.

Embrace. 擁する

I’m going to a Halloween party tonight. I sure miss the spark that Halloween carries with it. Most kids here haven’t been trick or treating. When I explain it to them and make the “ding dong” sound for the doorbell, we all giggle. Here the sound for a doorbell is “pin pon”. Love it!

The Halloween party was SO FUN! I played games with children as young as 2 and up to university students. I am excited to join in on more of their games.

Guess what? It’s now November 5, 2019. That means a few things.

11月
1. My best friends’ birthday is in 20 days and my other best friends/moms birthday is in a month and 21 days! 勇敢なThanksgiving and Christmas will come and go here in Japan, nearly unacknowledged with the preparation of new year’s, starting.
2. I’m headed to Tokyo in a few weeks!
3. A friend is coming to visit from America, next week!
4. I made my first bag. It was about a half hour project. Took me 3+ hours. Hah.
5. I tried puffer fish. Poisonous fish that you must have a permit to prepare because if it is prepared wrong, it is fatal. I will never try it again. It melts in your mouth. The only thing I want melting in my mouth is pralines and cream, ice cream.
Ok, let me dig back in my calendar to see what I want to get down, so that I never forget.

I stargazed in Sasayama. The stars never let me down.

I made a new friend. 友だち

I have watched three Storks basketball games this season!

I watched the chorus contest for the second year. It was AMAZING. It blows my mind that students here learn how to sing and draw. I always wanted to feel the music. My mom was a music teacher and a flute player. She felt the music. I wanted to be like her but I just never felt the music other than the lyrics. I finally felt the music. 音楽

I watched Yuko’s son play basketball. バスケットボール

Sports day is next week. Wahoo!

I’m going to get to Kyoto to see the fall leaves changing.

冬　I got my winter clothing out. It was 55 degrees last night and it felt like FREEZING. When Spokane gets the first 55 degree day its like paradise. I guess I’m acclimated to Japan weather now.

本　I’m about finished with the book The Power of your Subconscious Mind. I’m learning the power of our thoughts and how we are what we think.

I always tell my students…if you think you can or can’t, you’re right. I think Henry Ford spoke the original quote. I spend a reasonable amount of time teaching this lesson to students…I knew it to be true but now I can see the extent of this truth.

考える　I realized at some point…the things I think usually manifest into reality. I’m learning to use that to my advantage to help me improve my life.

I’ve been thinking about what people are doing in life. If we are not making the world a better place…what exactly are we doing?

If somebody is not contributing positively to our life…why include them in it?

(Reading back through my blog…it’s interesting that I was thinking about this only in terms of people…you’ll see why).

戦い

I try my best to be good. A good person. Friend 友だち。Daughter娘. Sister 妹. I try to be better than the person I was yesterday.

It is normal to be happy and healthy. It’s not normal to be sick and unstable.

We come into this world for the most part, in perfect health, because that’s what is normal for a person and their body. Our bodies can heal themselves, but our thoughts get in the way of that.

My hair is growing. I can’t believe that I consider it LONG now! Sometimes I mohawk it or do a little combover. HAH. I have to do something with it everyday now or it is just a floppy fuzz puff. I found a sparkle or two growing in. Thought I might as well keep them. Never to young to sport a strand of glitter.白髪

Happy, healthy, beautiful, free.

The only way to get out of darkness, is with light.

To anyone in the darkest place of all.

世話をする

At what point did I start feeling sorry for you and start being afraid of you? At what point did I begin to see clearly? When was it exactly, that I knew I couldn’t heal your hurts with my love? With any amount of love…

Nobody wants to be filled with hurt. Nobody wants to feel anger take over their body…

I used to think…You choose to feed the monster within you…However, when you become so deep in addiction, you don’t make the choice to do the drug. It is like you locked yourself in jail and now you can’t figure out how to get out (how to stop). Of course, you don’t want to be there. But that “thing” is a part of your survival and you don’t just think it…you believe it.

No one wants to be an addict. But sometimes you are and when you don’t want to be anymore…you get up off the ground and build your life back up. You look for resources. They are out there. You look for the key to the cell and you let yourself out. The key is right there, in your back pocket.

Being in a dark place doesn’t make your self-worth go down. It doesn’t change others love for you even though maybe it should.

At what point will you realize you are killing the people that love you.

Why do people hurt those that are closest to them? Well I guess it’s because that’s the people that are still THERE. It’s the only people you really can hurt, those who have yet to leave.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Speaking of beating dark with light…

I always wondered how I kept my “sparkle” …輝く

You know, my joy for catching bugs, looking for wild creatures, bubbles, rainbows and laughing. I cannot believe I EVER wondered that. Sometimes when I’m asked my hobby…I say, if an 8-year-old would enjoy it, I enjoy it. 心の子供

兄さん　My brother, who just turned 38…his wife got him a toy for his birthday. The package said 8+ years old. It was the perfect gift. When she sent me the picture of it, she said she got him what she would get any overgrown 10-year-old…or something of that sort. At that time, I realized, this is US!

遺伝子

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Maybe it’s a gene. My other brother, he is like that too. We love going outside after a rainfall and looking for worms, playing games together and laughing so hard at jokes that kids would laugh at.

That’s what we do.

I didn’t just keep my sparkle…it’s a trait that runs in the family. I think this is the greatest trait a person could ever have. You know there are good things that “run in the family” too.

家族

母と父　ありがとうございます

I just finished a week of meditations about self-esteem. I thought about what factors contribute to a person’s self-esteem and what particularly have contributed to mine. You see, your self-esteem is almost solely created before you have the choice to make up your mind about yourself. The biggest benefactor is the people who raise you, for me, my parents. Not everyone has the same support that I had as a child…and those people have to work at changing their thought patterns and challenge the negative things that have been pounded into their head their entire life.

I’m working on being present. It is easy for me to think about the future…and be filled with instant anxiety and worry.

不安　The future is not happening now. Pull it together, this is NOW. Day by day.

One of my favorite quotes that I’ve recently been reminded of is “Let go and let God”.

手放す

Let go. Let go. Let go. Sometimes the hardest thing and the best thing you can do are the same. At this point for me, the hardest thing and the right thing for me, is walking away. Removing myself from everything I’ve ever known and figuring out who I really am aside from a sister, daughter, friend, and Binger. The person that I will be when all else around me falls to an end. The person I will be when I’m standing alone. 一人で　The one thing I’ve never separated myself from before. The one thing I thought I’d never have to separate myself from.

Setting fire to yesterday -Eminem

NOVEMBER?! At that, the END of November?! Happy almost Thanksgiving.

[I have to go back to this idea of addiction.] 開発する

I thought alcoholism was something you were born with. You have it or you don’t. While that can be true, it isn’t always the case. Alcohol is addictive. The more you drink the more likely you are to become addicted. DUH. Why is that never talked about? Why do we learn about drugs and the danger of doing them, even once? ONE TIME. Why are we conditioned to fear illegal drugs…but if you choose not to drink, it means you are “recovering” or you are questioned about why you DON’T drink.

酒

I have friends that do not drink. When they tell me they don’t drink…my response has always been, “Wow, you are SMART”. I’ve always thought the choice not to drink is the best choice.

The past few years before Japan, I chose not to drink. I didn’t have the time to spend an entire day in bed the next day. I didn’t want to have to worry about how I would get home or where to leave my car. Most of all, if somebody needed me, somebody was drinking themselves, I wanted to be available to “save” them at any given moment.

When I got to Japan…I had the time to spend in bed. I don’t have a vehicle to drive and in case of an emergency, there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m across the globe.

I would call other people smart. I knew I could be smart like them…BUT going out on weekends and having a few drinks was fun for me. While I consider you smart for NOT drinking, I’d be ordering my next ビール.

I don’t like the taste. I never have.

I make stupid choices when drinking. You know why? Part of my brain SHUTS down. What in the hell.

Why I drink:

Alcohol loosens me up…

The reality: The more I drink the less functional my brain becomes. The less brain function, the stupider the choices. Yep, I can do things I wouldn’t typically do because I’ve shut down the rational part of my brain. I wouldn’t typically do it because IT IS STUPID.

If I wouldn’t usually do it, there is a reason for it. It’s probably not healthy or safe for me.

I can be social:

I can go out and be around people that I don’t know and I’ll never see again.

Reality: I can be out for a few hours with people I don’t care about and will never see again…in exchange for an entire day in bed.

Drinking makes me happy.

Reality: Yeah, okay Rachel.

You know what makes me happy? Kids. Armadillo hunting. A good cheeseburger. New experiences. Nature. Pralines and cream. Letters. Animals. Surprises and learning new things. Those are just a few things that make me genuinely happy. I wouldn’t even put drinking on my list of happies, EVER.

As I’m learning about alcohol and what it does to your brain, it supports the reality of all the reasons I thought I was drinking.

This Naked Mind- Annie Grace. If you want to control alcohol (instead of the other way around) or just be informed more…I highly suggest this. A friend suggested it to me. I think this may be the greatest gift you could give a friend. It is good knowledge to have. I don’t consider myself a person with a “problem”. I see how I went from alcohol free, to rarely drinking, to regular weekly drinking. I can see how my occasional drinking moved to more frequent binge drinking and how that could turn into a problem rather quickly.

Things I have always known to be true:

Alcohol is a dangerous monster. It ruins lives.

Alcohol doesn’t make anything better.

Alcohol takes more from me than it gives me. (Funny, if someone is not contributing to your life…why keep them in it…) If anything in life isn’t contributing good, Get. It. Out.

Things I’ve learned: Alcohol isn’t talked about as a “drug”. It’s not in the same class as heroine or meth. But why isn’t it? It kills as many people. It devastates as many families if not more. I was reading some statistics from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism…Alcohol is the third leading PREVENTABLE cause of death in the United States. If you are reading this…you probably know somebody who alcohol has stolen from you. They might still be alive…but the person you know and love, that person isn’t. 88,000 people die a year from alcohol related deaths. Tobacco use and poor diet come before alcohol. In 2010, TWO THOUSAND TEN, a study was released by a group of scientists, that rated alcohol as the most harmful drug. More than 2x more harmful than cocaine or tobacco.

怖い

Do you know why I’ve never done cocaine? I’m too scared. But I wasn’t too scared to open my first beer.

I should have been.

Why isn’t beer illegal?

I was never taught these things. I’m now looking for the research and the studies… and they are out there. The statistics aren’t out in the open for everyone to see. Not like the billboards in Montana that advertise the negative effects of meth and the lives it shatters.

Alcohol is an addictive substance. No if and or but’s about it. If you drink for long enough…you will be addicted.

Not everybody develops an addiction. The more you drink the more likely you will become addicted.

Many people suffer from alcohol use disorders but the thought that this could be them hasn’t occurred to them.

I am so proud of myself for never settling. For continuing to grow and find my happiness within myself. Settling would be staying in a relationship where I give more than the other. Anything in life where I am putting more time and energy into it than what I am getting in return.

Why is it okay to have that relationship with alcohol? Why was it so easy for me to give alcohol my Friday nights in exchange for my entire Saturday?! Why could I give alcohol my clear decision making in exchange for regret and shame. Stupid. Just stupid. I gave alcohol too much and it has given me, literally, nothing. I have given to it and it has taken from me.

成長

Finished. Done. This is not to say that I’ll never have another drink. I’m taking some time to evaluate my relationship with alcohol and I am happy that I am. This also isn’t to say anything about somebody else’s drinking. I’m sharing where I am at in my life.

秋

I spent a day in Kyoto. It was wonderful. I found an artist that I love and I followed her to an art show the following weekend in Ashiya. I will go to one in Osaka in December. When I find things that I love…I really love them.

She does wood burning. Mina_co is what she goes by! I have sent many gifts out that are her work. I have gotten myself some treasures from her too.

11/13 BBQ dinner in Osaka 🙂

11/16 I went to the cup of noodle museum! I got to make my own cup of noodles and later we took a class where we made our own NOODLES!!

友だち

池田

When we got there, we got the cups-and we designed them 🙂

After, we got to choose what we put in. (I ate mine last night and it was the BEST)

It was a wonderful day.

I met another new friend. Her name is the same as mine.

趣味

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

レイチェルRachel taught me a new craft…resin. So…new hobby means new obsession. This craft might be the one I enjoy most. I’m excited to do more with it. It’s funny…Rachel and I have a lot in common. When we get to crafting, we craft hard and we love animals. So happy to have met you, my friend.

It was really nice to have you girls here. I enjoyed laughing with you and getting to see new places. Most of all I enjoyed getting to know you more. Thank you for being you. ありがとう。

新幹線　I head to Tokyo in 2 days! YAY for adventures with Ayano!

This will be my first thanksgiving outside of the USA. Some very important birthdays have happened this month and are coming soon! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY NOVEMBER friends. Love you dearly. 愛

I have to get a quick little plug out there to some people that I appreciate so very much in my life. Office staff. No matter what school I’ve been at…as a student or a teacher, I’ve always gotten along well with the office staff. I’ve created some of the greatest friendships in my life with the office staff. I’m so thankful for these wonderful people. At my new school…My friend made me these pressed flower cards to send out and a calendar for myself. I’m still adventuring with my friend from my previous school. AND I’m in contact with the wonderful women in Spokane too. The office staff…Love um, always. I appreciate your friendship and the job that you do. 秘書

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

A few last odds and ends of photos.

楽しい enjoy 健康 health

安全　safety 愛 love 幸運 fortune 運 luck

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I’ve sent out a bulk amount of happy in the past week. As I was going through my address book I came across the names of friends who have moved, Liz who I have lost and relationships that have ended. Check your mail! I’ll be getting more out when I return from Tokyo.

Spread Sparkle. Be kind. Give mean people grace, they need it most.

Life changes, ready or not.

Happy Healthy Free

illie

36.204824
138.252924
November 22, 2019