Just be

Category: habusnakes

Walkin’ on Sunshine ☀️

Found a note that I started on my computer during my flight home!

December 19th, 2021:

Watching the sunrise above the clouds with the stars still sparkling. When these two meet, magic happens. The sun is rising while the moon is setting, the stars are shining while the clouds are changing colors, welcoming the new day. Like a birthday party for a brand new day!

My first international flight in 3 years. The excitement, adventure and opportunities that this trip will bring are as great as the opportunity of a new day. Infinite.

My covid experience was not knowing if I would hug my parents again.

In 2 hours I hit ground in Seattle, Washington.

My trip started off in a new way. A great family, dear friends, brought me to the airport, parked and walked me in. They saw me off and boy did it feel like the sunrise meeting the moon set. Calm, peaceful and pure. To start my trip in such a way, I know that I have some great days ahead.

Familyships

How could they not be, after all?

… Back to present day:

Last year, 2021, I was on a night dive, under water to bring in the the new year. 2021 consisted of 50+ dives around Japan, which is a lot for a girl who had never been under ocean water before. This year, 2022, I was on my way back to Japan, over the clouds. When I was younger I always heard *How you bring in the new year is how you spend the year. While I don’t put all my eggs in that basket, I know this year will be exciting and it is starting off with my head above the clouds.

February:

March! My favorite month. February was one for the books this year and I know March will be the same.

I went to visit the place I use to be from…My first home away from home. Nishinomiya, Hyogo was a lot of firsts for me…I’d never left America and only visited a handful of states before getting my passport at 28 and moving here. I turned in my car keys, packed 3 suitcases and got a one way ticket to Japan for what I thought would be two years MAX. Here I am three and a half years later. My first: foreign country, train ride, chopstick use, sushi, raw fish, public bath, taxi ride and the gathering of my fragmented soul. It was also my first starting from the ground up building: familyships, friendships, a new language and career. It was my first time without: a car, an animal, gatorade, hot tamales, starbursts, pralines and cream ice cream…

Living a life I never dreamed of, MAGIC.

I am often smiling when I get on my bike because I am 31 years old, in a foreign country that I call home, RIDING my bike to the train station to go on a little adventure. COME ON now, does it get better than this?!

I learned a more about living the past 3.5 years than I could have in a lifetime- if I didn’t take this opportunity. I feel that I have navigated and become better from each experience. I have learned about a new culture. The things I thought I would never understand are now normal. I think that is how I knew it was time to move on to the next adventure.

This feeling is one I am familiar with…I’m not scared of where I’m going, I am lucky to have a life full of love to leave. Hard goodbyes are the best because where a difficult goodbye exists, love lives. Anywhere love lives, count me in.

Most days I feel like I am walking on sunshine, sliding down rainbows. It is like I have these HAPPY glasses that I wear around. I find happiness in everything. Some may think I don’t see the realness in life but really, I find happy in that too. The other day my hands were so cold I could have broken my fingers off. I laughed. Stubbing my toe, hilarious. The hard stuff too, I may not always find happiness in it because let’s be real…there isn’t happiness in hurting someone you care about, a broken heart, the loss of a friend or the disappointment of a letdown. I do always recognize that the set back, is the set up. The cards are stacked in my favor and regardless of what it is, I will grow and become better, braver, stronger and wiser.

Smile, it makes a difference. Laugh, it changes your life.

Spring is here. Cherry blossoms are beginning. I use to feel restlessness in Spring. Now I feel hope, wonder and magic because I am at home with myself. What a wonderful place to be.

I am 15 months hangover free and 30 pounds lighter. I was thinking this morning while getting ready for work, I have been living alone for 4 years, single for 5+. Sneaking up on 32 years old, I thought I would possibly be married by now and absolutely have children. Like I said…I am living a life that wasn’t even in my wildest dreams and it turns out, it’s perfect for me.

There is always time to begin again.

Love more, the world needs it.

All the love and all the power.

illies

Rachel

March 7, 2022
Buzzed and Happy

It has been quite some time since my last post!
Summer break has come to an end. In Japan, teachers have 5 days off for summer break. I was able to make it home and refill my heart tank…like gas tank. Looking back through my calendar where I try to take quick notes of what I do each day…I’m smiling as I go through my past two months. Recap:

June: Dentist, dentist dentist.

June 18th: My baby nephew, Jax, made his debut into the world. Awaiting the day we finally meet.

June 22nd: Onsen with Sachiko and Moko, before Moko HEADED OFF TO COLLEGE IN CALIFORNIA!!!! They dressed me in Yukata and we walked the streets. It was a beautiful experience.

June 30th, I went to Awaji island with a coworker. We stayed with her family, boy was it a treat. the food was great, the company was even better and the time I spent there was refreshing. It was my first time FISHING! It was EXCELLENT! I caught more fish within a few hours than I have caught in my entire life!! You don’t have to have a finishing license here, so I’ll be going more often.

While we were fishing, we saw a beautiful string ray gliding through the water. One of my biggest joys in life is to see creatures in their natural habitat.

I made two quilts, to celebrate the birthday of some of my most valued friends here.

I just started working on my next one.

July: Fishing, Himeji, haircut, hospital, blood clot.

I got a blood clot in my hand from having to be put under for some dental work. My mom has issues with blood clots and I was worried it was more of an issue than it was. Before telling me it was a blood clot, I had X-rays, ultra sound and an MRI all for about 100$. WOWZA.

July 7th Tanabata-Star Festival. Had a FUN celebration with Spokane and Japan high school students.

July 10: AM: On my way to school my friend was not outside. Most people would not refer to this man as a friend. You see every morning on my way to work I see an ojichan (grandpa) standing outside by the biggest, most beautiful morning glories I have ever seen. He is what I imagine is like your morning cup of coffee. You look forward to it and it makes a difference in the start of your day. I look forward to seeing him. This morning he was tucked back a little further than usual and my heart began to pound. I thought he wasnt there. We always smile and wave. Sometimes I say good morning in English and he returns it in Japanese and sometimes we switch. He brings me joy. He is special to me.

Most would see a stranger, where I see a friend.

I like that about me.

PM: Went up Miya MT. [I think it was called] with my friend Yota. We saw flowers, frogs, TADPOLES, bugs, cats and a snake. We also spent some time earlier this month looking for fireflies. Never did see one.

July 14th: Festival with a coworker, in Kyoto. This festival was called Gion Matsuri. This is said to date back to the 9th century and was organized to drive out the plague. The floats parade around the city!

July 15th: Fishing, ocean front BBQ, water balloon fight and kite flying. One of the best days of my life. I saw an octopus IN THE SEA!

July 16th I was talking on the phone with my mom. I was telling her that I wanted to shave my head. We debated back and forth about it. She asked why I wanted to shave my head (which many people have asked). My response was that I wanted to learn to love myself as I am. Most people don’t understand why I did it and that’s okay, it’s my head not yours 🙂 Anyways, my mom, said, you can love yourself with hair. She’s right. But this was something I needed to do.

I sent my mom a picture the next day, of my shaved head. She said, “I knew after we talked that you were going to do it, I’d just told my friends at work”. HAH. She knows me well 🙂

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I had plans with friends the day after I shaved my head. I for some reason thought people would not want to introduce me to their families, once I shaved my head. I asked my friend if she wanted me to wait until after I met her family, to shave my head…

She asked if I wanted her to shave my head for me 🙂

July 17th, I SHAVED MY HEAD!!!!

The deed-I went in and asked a barber to buzz me up. He was weary of doing so but eventually did. I laughed the entire time and could not stop smiling.

I thought after it was done, I was going to feel different.

I thought it was going to be some huge life changing release…but I didn’t feel different. This made me realize that I do love myself…maybe shaving my head was more to see who in my life, loves the person I am inside.

When I facetimed with my nephew he said, “you look like a boy”. Gotta love the honesty of a child.

On my way home I made my daily stop at 7-11. As I parked my bike, I saw two students, whom I know well. One student smiled as big as I did (because it always makes us happy to see each other) and embraced me. Living in a place that lacks physical contact or any display of love, the fact that we hug shows the greatness of the relationship we have built. The other student stood her distance and just watched us talk. I could see the embarrassment across her face, I could feel it. A student that I knew, that I happily talked to each time we saw each other, couldn’t look at me…but I was still me…I’d be lying if I said that didn’t hurt my heart.

However…

I couldn’t believe at the age of 15, a student saw me, for me. It was inspiring and uplifting and heart changing. That is the kind of person I want to be. A person who sees every single person for who they are. I wrote this girl a letter and delivered it to her the next day in class. I expressed my gratitude and how I appreciated her, for seeing me, for me. I told her that the people need more of her, that she has the best heart of anyone I’ve met. I told her I hope to be a light for the world, like her. [Not only did she not waver when she saw me, even when her friend felt embarrassed of me, it made no difference. There is bravery and pureness in that.] She wrote back the next day, “I’m glad to have a letter from you. I understand your letter. You are you, hair or no hair. You are my very good teacher. I am happy to meet you. You are special, I love you. You are a gift to the world.”

This girl. My heart. It’s impossible for me to put into words the magic that she made so apparent, that is out there in children around the world.

In Japan the reactions for shaving my head have been better than I thought. People are very accepting. In the USA however…I felt much different. I thought it was going to be the other way around.

July 22, I went to a sunflower garden with my friend Ayano!!

First of all, I adore this girl.

2nd, OH MY GOODNESS. I’ve never seen something so beautiful. Afterwards we had dinner with her mom and dad. This family is one that I love dearly. I was yet again, nervous for these people to see me with no hair. Not only did they accept me, they treated me no differently.

Shaving my head was to learn about myself, to love my self fully and completely…but I’m learning more about other people and the amount of love that is out there.

July 25, I went to one of the most famous festivals in Osaka. Tenji Matsuri. The fireworks were amazing. They blow our fireworks out of the water.

7/27 DADS BIRTHDAY!

I went to Himeji with a coworker and her family. I adore her and I feel so honored when I get to go do new things, with families. We went to a fish factory and made food, stopped at a cat and dog picture museum and a dinosaur museum! By the end of the day the three children that were with us were showing their English skills. I love when anybody gets comfortable enough to start speaking a second language with me.

July 29th a new ALT arrived who lives above me. What a treat it is to have a friend right above me. We have had great adventures already and I’m excited to see what the next year holds! I hope to get a lot of traveling in-majority of it in Japan.

August: Suma beach, Spokane, BBQ time with my people and back to work. I spent two weeks at home in August. My mama got a hip replacement and is now doing much better!

The day after I left, my brother/his family from Texas made it up to visit. My brothers are all home right now…I don’t think the who family has ever been together without me there. I hate missing out on Aunty time.

August 14th: I got a tattoo during the day and in the evening was my Fill the happy bank BBQ get together. This is a tattoo I’ve known I wanted for a while. I have been carrying around 2 cards with me for years. One from my mom and one from my dad. In my school lunches and cards since I can remember my mom always wrote notes and drew pictures for me on my napkins. It was my favorite part of lunch. When I grew up, it was transferred to cards. The most frequent thing my mom tells me is, “You are my sunshine. I love you”. I got this in her handwriting, followed by mom and dad in their own handwriting. This is the stem of a sunflower. The sunflower tops it. We have always had sunflowers in our yard. They remind me of joy, happiness, hope and my parents.

Afterwards I went to a BBQ at my friend Lauralee’s. She hosted a BBQ before I moved to Japan. I got to see many people that I’ve been missing and enjoy the company of so many people that I love. Thank you for that.

August 15th: I got another tattoo. I have stick figures on my back. A girl and a boy. It was the first tattoo I got at the age of 18. I LOVE this tattoo. A few years later I knew I wanted a tattoo that said, “family is forever, Binger”. I didn’t want to have anything to do with the stick figures but I felt pressured and ended up getting it tattooed around my stick figures. You see, to me, kids are the simplest form of love. Pure, honest, happy, love. The real stuff. This is what my stick figures are to me. The writing around it was nice but it kind of changed the stick figures into something to do with family and that was not what it is to me.

I went in to see if I could get the script fixed up. I thought, I have this for life I might as well get it fixed up. The writing was difficult to read…and unfixable…

So, I asked the tattoo artist if he could cover it. I told him that I always wanted a swing set, rainbow, grass, flowers in the background of my stick figures. He told me what he had in mind and we went for it.

August 26^th, I said goodbye to my family and headed back to Japan.

9/2 Back to school as of today!

I am still exhausted. I’ve been back almost a week and I cannot seem to get my schedule back. I had no problem adjusting when I went to Spokane. I slept most the way. On the way back I slept all the way. I thought that would save me from jetlag…but turns out there is no saving from jetlag.

On my flight home I spend a few short minutes awake. In that time I looked out the window and saw the most beautiful sea of white. The way the clouds were moving it reminded me of the ocean which in turn means it reminded me of love. The man behind me said to his wife, “You can’t see anything, it’s just white”. But I was just thinking…”I can see everything”.

Where a man saw nothing, I could see everything.

Perspective-I’ll keep mine.

A few things I want to share that I’ve realized the past few weeks. I’m reading the book How to Love-Thich Nhat Hanh. There was a page about being you. Going to give you my cliff notes from it. Be beautiful and be yourself. Accepting your body gives you the power to see your body as your HOME. You must accept yourself as you are. This is an important practice. As you practice this, building a home within yourself, your mind and body, you become more and more beautiful. This is part of the reason I shaved my head.

The other part is so that others can see me.

I’ve been able to see more clearly the past year since I moved to Japan. I’ve been setting boundaries and making good choices for myself. I have the clarity to see situations and people as they are and I want others to see me as I am.

Last year when the school year started in Spokane, I remember crying. Last year at this time it made me more sad than happy when talking to my people at home. Sitting at the mall people watching, was when I felt the loneliest.

Now, I call home when I have time. It’s not as frequently. It makes me happy to talk with my friends and family. I can sit at the mall and enjoy people watching. These are wins for me.

This is proof of the growth that is occurring.

Japan was a mandatory move for me. If I hadn’t had this opportunity, I don’t think I would have ever become the person I want to me [which of course I’ll work on forever, but this is a huge part of my story].

Cheers to year two.

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illie

September 3, 2019
Sad should never be wrapped
Had I known how to save a life.

I use to sing that song at the top of my lungs. I thought-wow this song is real. I’m sitting here now recalling the lyrics…I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life…but does that save a life? How many nights have you stayed awake to watch a person you love, sleep… Or been a partner in crime because being the right-hand man was better than feeling like not being anything at all. (I say “you” because it’s less alienating for me.) I’ve been trying to be a life jacket for people sinking, since I can remember.

Do these people owe me anything? Absolutely NOT. Am I some super great person who saves lives? Nope. I am however, a human being who wants every person I encounter to know how abundantly loved they are.

That’s the other difficult part of life. You hear in movies and on TV, you read it in books in motivational quotes…we cannot love someone else until we love ourselves. We cannot see the ever-flowing love that others have for us, until you care about ourselves. (I say “we” because it’s less alienating for you). I always say, [to people, friends, family, students] “You are loved”. I don’t often say, “I am loved”. I’m going to start saying that more.

Before I moved to Japan my friend had a going away party for me, at her home. It felt like the first time in my life that people came together for me. Purely, for me. People came to love me. I still have a hard time with that. I think of it more as just people coming together, to share happiness. But that night as I looked around at the people who gathered, I felt and saw love.

How do you help people who seem incapable of being happy? Are some people incapable of being happy?

Anchors keep you in one place by weighing you down.

When I get too involved in helping others, the anchor gets too heavy and we both start to sink. I’m not a life jacket. I’m a human.

I’ve been pulled down, deep and one thing I’m not yet confident at is swimming back up alone.

Many people like the anchor symbol in relation to family/life. I think I prefer a tree. Strongly rooted, morals and values run deep. But the outside and the surface level “stuff” changes with each day.

People love trees. I love trees. I don’t love just one season of their beauty. I love their core. I think most people can agree on that.

Trees are not expected to stay in bloom or keep their leaves, year-round. They lose their leaves and they are still perfectly strong and beautiful. Then, green begins to return and they are still unique and perfect.

I taught a lesson about infinite worth to my students. I think I have written about this before, it’s a good enough experience to be shared again.

My students were having a hard time respecting one another and just getting along. They were unable to make the right choices if I was not there to see it.

I lined up with 5 adults from various life stages that worked at my school. Familiar faces to the children but they knew me best. 2 men and 3 women. Ages, 21-65. We each told my class about ourselves.

Our accomplishments and our downfalls. What we considered to be the most important factors in life, that made us who we were, at the time.

Then, I asked the students to line us up. Make a list beginning with who had the most worth. The person they thought was most important, to the least important.

I had one student (that girl..wow) that said, this is not possible, it cannot be done.

I forced her to do it.
1. Mr _________
2. Mr _________
3. Mrs________
4. ________
5. Miss Binger
Thinking back, I cannot remember if I was 4^th or 5^th. As the results came in and we lined up in the positions decided by 9 year old’s, I nearly dropped to my knees.

I had spent 9 months with these children. These students I had been sharing my life with, my daily love and teachings, thought I was worth less than others.

It didn’t matter where I was on the list. It was that so many kids had an easy time making this list. Students knew me best another woman BEST, and they thought the least of us, they thought we were less important than others.

Through my tears I began to explain, every single person you meet in life has infinite worth. Every single person. That means that a college graduate is no better than a person who has/doesn’t have a GED. A person with children isn’t better than a person without. No body is better than another person.

Like a tree.

Trees are all different. Some I like more. Regardless, each tree has an unmeasurable amount of worth. A flower tree that is no longer blooming, a pine tree, a tree so small you could crush it on accident. There is an unimaginable amount of potential in every tree.

There is an unimaginable amount of potential in every single person.

Every single person has immeasurable worth.Infinite worth.

This isn’t a moral I grew up with. It is one I am still learning. Once I heard the quote “every single person you ever meet has infinite worth” [Kent Hoffman] there was a shift in my heart.

I would never judge a flower for any reason-I JUST LOVE FLOWERS.

Why would I judge a person?

I have never come to know a person that I didn’t like. The key words are come to know. Hearing the story of a person and their past is not a reason to judge them, it’s a gift of seeing how a person became who they are.

5/27/19

This morning I sat outside of my school on the stairs and cried. I sat here at my computer beforehand and I could feel it coming. There was no point in trying to delay the tears or fight them. It’s crazy. The people around me are busy and going on about there day I’m sitting here feeling half heart broken. [This too shall pass.] The last thing I want is someone to ask if I’m okay or what is wrong…but at the same time this is a new situation for me. Generally, I am a cry in private kind of person. Maybe even cry in the shower so I can’t differentiate between the water and tears. I am learning how to deal with feeling invisible. That is not something I would ever promote because my goal in life is to let all people know, “I see you”. However, it is important for me to realize that I will not always be seen and that is when I must rely on myself to be my greatest support. After all, I’m the only support that will always 100% of the time, be there. At this exact moment, I’m having a difficult time doing that.

Last year, if I made it through the week without crying, it was a WIN. Now, here I am crying for that year and those children. Goodness, we had a tough year but boy, did we love fiercely and make the perfect family.

I’ve been so happy to be here in Japan and learning how to be a better teacher and person that I haven’t felt what I’m feeling now. I’ve been thinking about how 2 years in Japan isn’t long enough and how fast time goes.

But maybe 2 years here is perfect. One year down and I’m crying for the children I was lucky enough to teach. This time of year is when my third grade family would really come together. I could see and feel the growth of those little humans and I would be so proud of how far we came, together. Academic growth but most importantly the growth of our hearts. Nothing made me happier than seeing a child help a friend up, give them knuckles for trying, or rebound the ball for a friend and let them try again. Here, I switch schools every six months. I have made some great relationships and come to know many students and I am grateful each opportunity here.

To my past students: I miss you. You are a giant part of who I am and who I want to be. Thank you, for being you.

5/31/19 summer is sneaking up.

Students in Japan are out of school from July 20 until the End of August. Teachers have a FOUR DAY BREAK. FOUR DAYS. While students are on summer break I will have “office days”. These are days where I am in an office…by myself or potentially with another ALT.

I am hoping to do two things this summer. See my new nephew in Texas and see my mom before/after her hip surgery. Those are two things that I NEED to do.

Today is the last day of May. It is uncomfortable how fast time goes. June is a busy month. There are no days off school during June.

I started eating healthy. I’d been doing that for about a week. I was eating non-processed food. [Mostly fish and veggies.] One night I decided not took cook and I had an adult beverage. The next day, I was dying. I think my body HATES pizza and adult beverages. I’ve never taken such time away from ANY food. I’ve always ate what I wanted to eat, when I want. When I woke up the next morning, my throat hurt, my lips were oddly, red and my body felt weak.

Those things must be like poison to my body. I never knew though, because that is the way I have always eaten. Waking up with a headache, having a stomachache, feeling allergy like symptoms became my normal. Now, I must decide if food/adult beverages are worth an entire day of feeling physically, sick.

I always joke that I figured out how to beat lactose intolerance. You just have to give your body so much of it that it becomes immune to lactose. I was eating a quart of ice cream a day. Eventually my stomach no longer hurt. When you can’t beat um, join um! Just do enough of it to where your body gets use to it.
Just kidding. I did do that, but any health professional would say there is something the matter with me.

I’m trying to stop taking Tylenol. I try to be preemptive with headaches and bite them before they consume me. 95% of days, I have a headache so I’ve adapted to taking Tylenol 100% of the days.

6/3/19 Happy June.

6/18/19 Oh my gosh. June is half way over.

Where is time going? The past few weeks have been full of anxiety, tears and sleep-while trying to keep all the happies in clear sight.

Last Friday, I went home and went to bed around 4pm. Not a nap, bed. I woke up the next morning around 8AM. I decided to get myself out of bed, even though staying in bed was clearly the easier choice.

I rode by bicycle an hour to get to an Onsen. I was excited to relax and have some time to myself at a hotspring that was new to me. I walked in, proud of myself for biking there, locating it and doing it all by myself.

Walked in and said “Onsen!” and the staff handed me the rules of the Onsen, in English. Wahoo.

Half way through [skimming] I see no body paint…I was relieved…but then I read that statement closer. No body paint or tattoos allowed. I pointed to my “illie” tattoo and said, okay? The employee said no, sorry.

I walked out, crying. I stood there crying for about 5 minutes-until the rain began to POUR. Not some light, no umbrella needed kind of rain. A kind of rain so hard that even cars were pulling over. My tears turned to a brief madness and before I knew it I was reminding myself to “dance in the rain”.

My Brief madness was about being judged. Japan is very strict. Rules apply to every single person and nothing is ever situational. Sometime life requires you to hear a person’s story or situation in order to accommodate or help them to the best of your ability. Sometimes you must listen.

I know that the rules are in place for a reason.

I understand and respect that.

It was a reminder to me that I appreciate compassion and empathy and a place where people are willing to look at the person in front of them.

I had some dental work done about a week ago. It wasn’t as terrifying as I thought it would be, but it was still pretty stinking scary. I got the laughing gas for the first time in my life. I didn’t feel any more relaxed?

I got some fillings removed and covered back up…until my appointment next week when I will get my princess crowns. The only crowns I’ll ever wear.

6/25/19

It’s the end of June. WHAT.

Father’s day was last Sunday. Another day of the year that I adore. I try to celebrate my dad far more often than once a year-but I sent him some extra love VIA snail mail for father’s day. My dad has the hardest job of any person I have ever met. My parents’ job is never ending. There are no hours of rest or days without worries.

Do you know all your parents want? Their greatest wish…

It is to see their children happy.

I have a whole lot of love for you dad. I have to reserve it for myself right now because my happy tank light is flashing, empty. For the record, I am happy. You and mom are the greatest team and I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am, without you.

I’ve been missing home. I wanted to hug my mom and I have a friend who personally delivered her a hug within 24 hours of me asking. Terry, you have always been my Angel on Earth. I love you and appreciate all that you are. Thank you.

A new Binger entered the ring on June 18^th weighing in at a whole 8 pounds 4 ounces. Baby Jax is here. My newest/second nephew. This is my first summer not spending a month in Texas or with my first born nephew. Usually we spend a month dinking around, playing at the park and laughing together (until mom and dad get home, then he pretends he doesn’t know me).

Last weekend I went to an Onsen with Sachiko and her family. Her daughter is heading to college in the states next week! We visited our last Onsen together…and they dressed me in Yukata!! It was a big happy for me. For all of us.

We got burgers at one of our favorite places after. They restocked their stickers. I love their stickers…so I bought 30 of them…? As my dad would day “you went a little cooky didn’t you?” I sure did…and now I wish I would have bought more.

I attended the Spokane/Nishinomiya sister city welcome party for students that are here from Spokane. I met Yuko there. We laughed, a ton.

Afterwards we listened to live music and enjoyed an evening together. This, was a good day. Sunday, I watched students play volleyball. I love when I get the chance to see students play sports. I don’t remember a teacher ever coming to watch me play sports…but my dad was always there.

Speaking of Angel’s on Earth…I lived next door to one most of my life. That woman, Liz, is so much more than a neighbor to me. My neighbor moved. Saying that sounds pitiful when I think of the situation. Liz wasn’t just my neighbor. She is a friend, grandmother, an open ear/shoulder, a support, a smile…and that’s just a few words to describe what she is to me. When I visit home I always make a visit to her. Now that she’s in a different state I’m going to have to find a little more time to squeeze in our porch visit…but I hope that I can. Love you Liz.

I went back to finish my dental work yesterday.

Guess who cracked the crowns during the fitting…

This girl….

I was just saying how I was starting to enjoy the dentist…I need to learn to just keep my mouth shut. Hah. Every man in my family has been trying to teach me that lesson for years.

I must have cried for 3 hours yesterday. I felt bad that I cracked the crowns. I felt bad because my appointment was so long and I didn’t want to be in pain but I was. I was crying for so many reasons and the only way I got the tears to stop…was to walk. My friend Sachiko has spent HOURS with me at the dentist. Translating. She should be paid from both ends. Unfortunately, I couldn’t finish any of the work that needed to be done. I will go back and be put under to resume what was started. L

My eyelids were swollen this morning and my head is still pounding. Nothing like a cry hangover to begin the day.

Now that it is the end of June…I can tell you that nearly the entire month of June has kicked my butt. Looking back, it actually started in May.

6/26

Cried on the phone with my best friend yesterday.

Got a package from my mama including hot tamales from my dad. Got a card from my sweet Kristy.

I get sad that I can’t be at home to hug and cheer my parents up (be their sunshine). But my friend Sachiko said that the sun shines across the ocean and can still be felt even though I’m here. I loved that. But yesterday, I experienced that. My people in Spokane have been a big source of sunshine for me the past few days. Thank you for that. You have helped me and I feel your love. You have been a big part of getting out of bed in the morning.

Tomorrow I get to celebrate YUCHAN’s BIRTHDAY!!!! In Japan, birthdays aren’t a big deal. I guess at home they really aren’t a huge deal either…

But in Japan birthdays are almost nonexistent. I feel happysad to be celebrating people and making a big deal about their birthdays. Happy because I am glad I get to love/appreciate/celebrate them on their special day, but sad that I might be the first person to ever make a big deal about the day they were BORN.

I think it is kind of exciting for my friends here. Excitement might not be the right word. But I think it is a new love that some are feeling for the first time.

Birthdays of loved ones…the greatest holiday of the year.

Some happies:

Firefly hunting (looking)

Seeing students playing in the river, shoes off, laughing

Package from home

Letters from friends

7/3/19

Happy July. At the end of this month I will have been in Japan for an entire year. I’m still trying to figure out where my heart and mind are at. Life doesn’t usually kick my butt like it is right now.

I went to Awaji Island for the weekend and had an incredible time. I got to spend time with children which can heal anybody’s hurts.

I’m trying to say yes to as many opportunities as I can. I will go to a few upcoming festivals and spend time with friends.

The easy thing to do is go home and go to bed. Which I’ll admit…some days I do. But, I’m trying not to.

Got put out for my dental work a few days ago. I remember it still hurting a little. I have one more appointment left and the work in that area of my mouth is finished. I’m pretty friendly with the staff at my dentist now. They have seen me laugh, cry, sleep…they know me well.

I have yet to wrap this blog up because there is no good way to wrap up sad.

July I am looking forward to the star festival, a trip to Kyoto, my dad’s birthday, an adventure with new friends and hopefully some time to reflect, grow, let go of anger, and find myself again.

Also, I have shaved half of my head…. 😮

Glad to be living where the sun always rises.

illie.

Come on Rachel. Let’s do this.
July 3, 2019
Because I have changed

4/10/2019

Entrance ceremony was today. If you have never heard of or seen an entrance ceremony, you need to google it. The gym is decorated and parents, students and staff welcome new students (1^st graders). The band is playing, everybody claps for an extended period of time while the new class members walk in. There are flowers, music, clapping, and speeches to welcome the new students. I’ve never seen anything like it. The beginning and end of things are celebrated here-many ceremonies.

I’ve been going to the river each day after work to admire the cherry blossoms. I can’t get enough of the beauty and happiness of a single cherry blossom. I always say that babies bring people together. I find magic in a variety of things but especially in babies.

Children have the power to bring families together and put sparkle back in people that have lost it. There is joy, love and happiness that stems from the presence of children.

In Japan I see this exact magic in cherry blossoms.

There are people sitting below cherry blossoms in every direction. I hear laughter, camera shutters, cans opening and the running river. I see couples, families, friends and children all enjoying the company of one another. People are eating, drinking, playing games and people are genuinely, happy. I even see people like me, enjoying the beauty by themselves.

I feel magic. Sakura season brings people together.

There are these poles that I imagine are to keep cars of walking paths. They are about three feet tall. I have nearly walked into them while I’m looking up at the flower trees. (My dad has experience with these…I learned from his mistake.)

I’m headed to Wakayama this weekend. I’m excited to go back.

I went to Yuasa, Wakayama all of Saturday, stayed the night and headed home early on Sunday. Check out was at 10:00 AM and I started to feel an intense sick feeling around 9. I walked the beach in hopes that fresh air, crystals and shells would help whatever this feeling was, pass. I also wasn’t going to miss out on one last beach comb, even if I did feel miserable.

The train I planned on taking home was cancelled. HAH. Of course it was. My two hour journey…took six hours. At one point I was suppose to switch trains. I missed that opportunity and took an hour detour. Oops.

4/23/19

Next week is a holiday in Japan. Golden week. I heard before moving here how big of a deal golden week is. However, this year it is extra special. For the first time in 50 some years there will be 10 days off in a row! You know what that means.

Father will be here.

5/10/19

Hard to believe that Golden Week has already come and gone. I’ve been back at work for an entire week.

5/13/19

Quick flashback of April.

Cherry blossoms.

School party.

Nishinomiya Storks basketball game.

Old Spaghetti factory

chipped tooth

Chichi arrived

Treasure stores

Tigers game

May:

Osaka Aquarium

Nishinomiya Marina Celebration-new Emporer

Beach days at Suma

Shell collecting and crab hunting

Dentist x2

Little China Town

Nishinomiya beach-Kite flying and crab hunting

This day-my dad used his famous reverse psychology. “You can’t ride your bike through the sand.”

Tell me I can’t and I’ll show you I can.

Which I did…until the sand got too deep and I had this terrible, horrible, slow motion fall, into the sand. I was laughing too hard to get up and my bike was on top of me. My dad was watching from afar. After being on the ground laughing for a few minutes, a woman came and pulled my bike off of me. I was laughing from embarrassment and because falling off your bike is always funny, as long as you are okay. Then a group of children came and asked me if I was okay.

Children’s day

Dad left

I go to a Special Education school once a month. The teachers are some of the best I have ever seen. The way they care for the students and know each one is inspiring.

All sorts of new things at Mikura, in Kobe. I went to this amazing restaurant with my friend, Ayano. [When my bag didn’t make it to Japan, Ayano was the one who helped me at the airport-that is when our friendship began.] We went to her parents restaurant where I tried food I never thought I’d EVER eat.

I started by trying those tiny little [whole] squids and the fish with the skin. There was clam, squid, octopus, tuna and many more finely prepared fish. It was displayed beautifully and prepared by Ayano’s family. Her parents are the owners of this fabulous place. The tempura was the best I have ever had. Maybe, the best food I have ever had.

When I experience new things like this-I feel like a child. I am surprised and in awe. My facial expressions and the sounds I make, are a show for people to watch. Which I don’t mind…I love when I see a children experiencing something for the first time. I’d enjoy watching me too, where the same joy, surprise and happiness that is displayed by a five year old can be observed in a 29 year old who is just seeing a new world, for the first time.

Sei Tai-massage, muscle stretching, chiropractic work. AMAZING.

Out and about. Met new friends and a furry one 🙂

And this brings us to present day. Mother’s Day in the USA.

I know many wonderful mothers. Grandmothers who are mothers for the second time ‘round. People who care for children that may not call them, mom. I celebrate many people today, but most of all, my own Mama.

Mom’s are so busy with life and children that it seems like it would be easy to forget:

you have a little human who wants to be just like you.

I remember having the thought when I was younger-how can we all call an amazing, caring, loving, woman by the same name? How can every single mother, be called mom?? How can I call my mom by the same name everybody else uses for their mom?!

I thought that each mom should have a name that is special to her, because each mom is special.

But it isn’t the name that is special. It is the woman behind the name.

Some people don’t associate the word mom with love, sunshine, happiness, flowers, support, animals, and joy-like I do. When I say I want to be a mother-I don’t mean I simply want a child.

I want to be that deep rooted starshine for a child. I want to be my mom, for my own. My mom brings sunshine to not only my life, but all who know her. I have the pleasure of saying, “I’m just like my mom, we love everything and anything makes us happy”. I can only hope that one day I have a child who loves me as much as I love my mama. My mom would read to me until I fell asleep. She would get me my favorite popsicles when I was sick. When I need to know how to cook chicken [or anything] I still call her. When I don’t know what to eat for dinner, I call my mom and she decides.

We laugh. My mom refills my heart. I miss you mama and I wait for your time in Japan.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mama.

I’m missing my favorite time of year in Spokane. I love when the grass is greener than ever and all that was sleeping during the cold is coming back to life. I’m already dripping sweat here.

I have a daily battle with my hair. I like to have it up high so it’s off my neck-but when it is up high I can’t wear my ball cap. [Therefore, they made visors.] However, I have not yet brought myself to get one. I guess I’ll do that this week. The thought of shaving my head has also crossed my mind a dozen times, but I’m too scared to just do it.

I’ve began to experience a different kind of joy, love and life that is new to me.

The more I love life and myself, the more life loves me back.

My thoughts shape my days. I’ve always been a positive person, maybe more so on the outside. Now I radiate happy because I’m positive on the inside. I guess my way of thinking has changed which is changing me.

This reminds me. My dad’s first visit here, we were talking with somebody about my first month here. I was explaining how people never smiled at me or said hello. They told me, “just wait, in a few months everybody will be saying hello and talking to you”. I thought…Hmmh, maybe they just have to see me around the neighborhood enough and be comfortable with me before the conversations begin.

9 months later, I don’t go out the door without seeing a student or saying hello to somebody. I told my dad this and he saw it when he was here. We thought of what the man had said about everybody saying hello in a few months.

My dad said something along the lines of,

“I don’t think it’s because the people here changed, I think it’s because you changed”

Holy goodness. How powerful is that?

Because I’ve changed.

Yesterday, I went to my favorite Ramen Shop. Really just my favorite place in Japan. There was one seat open, in between two strangers. 10 months ago, I would have left. Yesterday, I squeezed right up in there without hesitating.

As I sat there, I thought…this is where it all began.

My first day in Japan. Rai Rai Tei is where it all started.

My change.

My love for Shirohige and Onepiece.

My appreciation for unspoken communications.

My love for Japan and myself.

Yesterday when I sat down, the employee pointed to what I always get and I said, “yes”. This is the majority of our communication. Yet, I love these people, the restaurant and I am comfortable here. We have never communicated in one another’s language, but we communicate. I look forward to seeing the staff and I feel welcome. I enjoy everything about this place and I go at least once a week. This is a special place for me. This new happiness, it began, there.

There are so many point cards used in Japan. I am a proud card holder for two craft stores and a mall.

The super nintendo is different for foreigners. The one they use here looks different.

Mother’s Day is not as big of a deal as it is in the USA.

Students are having a trial week. They are all out at different jobs, seeing what it is like for a week, in a work place!!

I am going to be helping some elementary students learn English a few times a month.

For the amount of time I have spent studying Japanese, you would expect me to be fluent. I’m uh…beginner level. Japanese is DIFFICULT.

I use a calendar now.

I’ve stayed up a few times until the sun comes up-who knew I was such a youngster still. I didn’t know I had that in me.

I stopped using my heat about a month ago. I started leaving my windows open…Now I think it is going to stay cooler if I keep everything shut!

Students here have 220 days of school, compared to our 180.

Students have club activity on weekends, which means teachers do too. One day off a week (maybe) for most teachers.

When I get home, I take my shoes off without thinking about it.

Chopsticks are easier to use for some foods-like noodles.

Most students are seeing green eyes for the first time, when they see mine. My skin is finally starting to clear!! YAY!

I’m in need of some new shorts now that summer is arriving. Even in the USA I hate shopping for shorts/janes. Finding a good fit is rare. Here, I have not had the energy to look, yet. However, the rising temperatures will force me to, soon.

illie

May 13, 2019
Waiting for Tragedy

January has come and gone with a quickness that most months do. Some days go slow, but the weeks go fast and the months disappear without notice.

I’ve spent (the shortest) 6 months of my life in Japan. This being said, 6 more months was not going to be long enough for me to accomplish all that I hope to. I am excited to say, I have 18 months left here in Japan! Someone asked me my new years resolution and I nearly laughed…I don’t exactly believe in NY resolutions. I think everyday is a new beginning. But this year, I want to explore and travel Japan.

I didn’t ride my bike for almost two weeks. When I got back on my bicycle for my ride to work…an 11 minute bike ride took me 20 minutes. By the end of the week I was able to get the ride down to 14 minutes… Lesson: Taking breaks from anything makes you weaker.

My sewing obsession has followed me to Japan. I have a newfound love for beads now too. My bead collection is bigger than it was when I was a child, making 100 bead long string necklaces…

Hello Happy

Some of my favorite things that have happened recently: I got some amazing Christmas cards from friends in the USA. I’ve been asking students questions about things I don’t understand in Japan. The answers I get are PERFECT.

Q: I don’t understand why nobody smiles at me on the train… A: Using the train is not funny. [Easy enough, I LOVE that answer.] Also, smiling on the train is an invitation to talk and most people find talking on the train to be torture.

Q: Why do the teachers move rooms, why don’t students? A: Teachers want a perfect body.

Q: I don’t know why students laugh at me… A: We are loving you. [This was a big misunderstanding. When I felt students were laughing at me, it hurt my feelings…but its more of a conversation opener and students showing affection.]

At my favorite Ramen shop, I am officially a regular. No longer need a menu, my order is known. I’ve always dreamed of being a regular somewhere, preferably not a bar. I’m ecstatic with my new badge of honor there. The people there talk to me quickly in Japanese. I can almost understand what they are saying but they must think I do. We are figured out how to communicate using different languages and I think it is incredible.

I wanted return to Judo this week. I am looking forward to learning/practicing Judo but the burns on my elbows are just now healed and I’m exhausted, lately. I hope to get back at it, soon.

Today, students played a Japanese card game. It was played by grade level. It took place in the gym and awards were presented after. It was awesome! In the states we do not have anything like this.

Silly things that I LOVE~! My dad always walks behind me and bumps the back of my knee. If he gets me good enough, I nearly fall to the ground. That is also a thing here in Japan!! I laughed when I did it to someone and they had a name for it and told me it was a common joke like move.

I taught friends that if you focus on the other persons elbow you will have the greatest high-five ever. Practiced that as well as the back of knee taps.

I ordered a bookshelf off of Amazon. When I received the bookshelf I could not help but laugh. I had to put it together but all of the instructions were in Japanese. Got the tools out and hammered that baby together! 🙂

I am amazed by the weather right now. It is late January and the beauty of the sun is blinding. When the clouds are not covering the sun it brings enough warmth making 30s and 40 degree weather feel like a hot stove just opened-warming you to the bones.

I’m starting to understand the process of how students move up into the next grade. It is mind-blowing. I’m taken so far back by the amount of work students have to do at such young ages. Maybe it is so shocking because all I knew before was my experience.

In my experience…you go to the school nearest your home. Elementary and then to your middle school and lastly high school. Public education was always free for me. I did have to pay to take the SATS and apply for college…

Students in Japan may start as young as 6th grade, applying for different schools. Students apply for public schools. Public schools are paid for by families. For example, right now I have helping a student prepare for her interview for the high school she dreams of going to. Each school has limited openings and you must have certain scores on tests and be ranked against the students at your school. Ranking of where you are at is extremely important for students here.

Students take a test which depends on the high school they want to attend. Students may be a multiple subject test with an oral interview in English and Japanese. This is to see if the school will accept the student into the public school. EVERY child has to do some variation of this process to ensure they go to high school. Student’s tell me they are always studying, but now I understand why. Schools here are also leveled by ability…

Pressure exists. As a foreigner I can see it and I can feel it and now I understand it. Students are going through a process similar to college applications, at the young age of 15. These students have to ace interviews that are similar to interviews I had to attempt in order to get a teaching job. I hope throughout my time here I can lessen the pressure for some students and help them acquire the skills they need to feel confident about their future.

When I look at these students, I see kids. Kids that should be playing hide and go seek, kick the can, riding bikes until dark…but the reality is that these students spend most of their time studying and especially now when the tests/interview exams are around the corner. Where I see children…others see young adults.

What I’ve been appreciating about Japan in addition to what I’ve already mentioned…

Students. Building relationships with students people in the community.

Teachers. I work with a great group of teachers.

The kotatsu I have-a Japanese heating table.

Sunshine-it is beautiful when the sun is shinning and that has been a lot! I saw someone (in JANUARY) with their top down in a convertible.

Flowers: Still blooming and growing IN WINTER.

Pen Pal letters!! My students here in Japan have gotten their letters back from America. I’m as excited as the kiddos.

Surprise (to me!)

High school entrance

How many words/phrases don’t translate

The green traffic light (go) is called BLUE here. Blue/green use to be interchangeable

Students are teaching me Kanji. COOL!

There are only dirt fields at Japan middle schools. No grass.

Really, no grass anywhere. I feel kind of weird when I see dogs using the street as their toilet. I don’t think my dog would know what to do if it has to use cement as his canvas.

Craft stores here nice. I can’t find rainbow thread though which is strange since rainbows are LOVED here. Fabric is expensive and good quality.

I never hear people sneeze? [Wait I just did hear it…but maybe I don’t notice because no one says bless you or acknowledges it. Since I have written this-I have heard LOTS of sneezed and I also have sneezed more?]

I love the Yamaha motorcycles that I see here. Classic. On the way home I saw one for about $ 1,300 and I’m tempted. If the driving pattern were the same as USA’s I wouldn’t think twice.

School lunch as been delicious.

I HAD THE BEST GYOZA. Gyoza=pot stickers. This time instead of pot sticker shape-it looked like a piece of friend chicken (drum stick). It was the BEST.

I’m either sweating or freezing at school. Sometimes the heat is on, sometimes all the windows are open. After riding my bike to work though, I’m always sweating…until it dries and I’m then frozen.

When I go to help a student they complete an entire sentence in Japanese and then I say, “Eigo” [eggo] (English) and we laugh. Students speak Japanese naturally and by accident and when I listen then say English-we always laugh. Even if I understand, I want them to try and communicate using English.

Flowers are a big deal here. There are tons of flower shops. We order flowers online in America. I don’t even know where a local flower shop is at home.

I’ve learned that communication is easy. You just have to be willing to try.

Japan is a pretty interesting place. I love it. I love the people, the culture, the students… I am glad to be here.

Processing…

Only continue if you can do so:

with

Grace and without judgement.

Current day-Phil and I

I think one of the greatest tragedies of the world is when children are forced to grow up. However, positive lessons are rarely taught in positive ways. We grow up when we are ready but now that I’m thinking about it, there is a situation, a time and a place where something happens that forces us to grow up. I feel for the children in the world who go through this at a time when their biggest worry should be how late they can ride their bike or if they get the best smelling scratch and sniff sticker. I remember when I met the harshness of the world. The next 10 years of my life were spent trying to figure out how I could save the people I love. I’m still trying to stomach the fact that I can’t. The next 10 years after that were spent still in the chaos of the storm, reacting, overly cautious, afraid of what each day would bring.

When I was 24 years old I was a first year teacher in Arizona. The school year had finished and I was excited as ever to get back to Washington to see my friends and family. My dad and I drove back and had a ball. The summer was starting off great, I was happy, excited, hopeful and ready to have the summer of a lifetime.

I had been in Spokane for less than 24 hours. I was driving down 29th with my best friend, going by the light on Perry. It was my first night back in town and home for the summer. I felt like I was on top of the world. Laughing with my best friend, heading out to get into mischief… My dad was calling. For the first time in my life I didn’t expect bad news from my dad calling multiple times in a row. I was finally past, waiting for tragedy. After answering, my world didn’t just stop, my heart and soul did too. I was no longer able to drive. Kate took over driving while I continued breathing heavily, dizzy, knees shaking, more scared than I have ever been (to this day).

Nobody will ever understand what I felt, until they go through it (and I hope that you never do). The opposite is also true…I will never understand what you go through until I experience it.

Waiting for tragedy is an ugly place to be. It is a waste of daylight, loss of sleep, it is an all-consuming place that got the best of me for far too long. I wish I could say I was out of the woods when it comes to expecting/waiting for “the other shoe to drop” but the anxiety and fear of tragedy lingers around.

Maybe I let the fear of tragedy hang around so that I am better prepared for when it strikes. But the truth is, there is no way to be prepared.

When we use to go visit my grandparents in Nebraska, I dreaded leaving. I would look out the airplane window during take off and hear tears of my loved ones falling. It wasn’t until I was in middle school or so that I realized why my mom and dad always cried when we left Nebraska. I imagine that they were thinking, “Next time I come here, my mom/dad may not be alive anymore” or “that may be the last time I see my mom/dad”. Several times, they ended up being right. I cannot get past the thought of losing people I love. It breaks me into thousands of tiny pieces. Love is such a deep connection especially between family…that there is no way to ever be ready for what is to come.

You see, my parents protect(ed) me from a lot. I didn’t always know when the world was spinning out of control. My dad informing me of the chaos meant death.

Side note: I know that I’m not a parent…but I believe whole heartedly that it is a parents job to protect their children from dangerous chaos. Let me begin with a disclaimer: My parents protected me. My parents never knowingly or purposely put me in a situation of dangerous chaos. Sure, we found ourselves in some crappy situations but my parents never caused it or forced me to go through it. Thank you for that. Children who group up in chaos become comfortable with it and begin to look for it. As a teacher, I see this and I understand it. I resist the temptation to feel sorry for children and instead try to encourage and help children find resilience, courage, dignity, empathy and a way to be better. In times like this I am reminded of how incredible children are. Living in chaos requires a person to begin living in a constant state of fight or flight-stress response. Fight or flight is activated when there is a perceived threat and people must function in this state to remain. Stress response should be short lived. Once the situation has passed your body returns to the normal state. This is not true for all of us. Some of us are living in a constant state of stress response and experience negative side effects(sweaty palms, heart racing, reduced sleep, headaches). Children should be protected from this instead of forced to live a life in which fight or flight is required in order to survive. Chaos can be beautiful or dangerous. The kind of chaos I’m talking about right now is the exposure to dangerous, unpredictable people and situations. This is the stuff I feel passionately about. Nobody should have to navigate through the “hard stuff” alone when these events have been experienced and lived through by many.

I can’t comprehend the pain of some situations because I have not lived them but I sure will listen and love.

My dad was calling me to tell me I needed to come say goodbye, to my brother. I arrived at the hospital a short time after the phone call. I ran inside and back into the emergency room where I saw my brother laying lifeless, clothes cut off, machines keeping him alive.

Seeing this was: frightening, upsetting, maddening, saddening…more emotions that I can find the words for. My brother had overdosed and was to end his days in that bed. I did not leave the hospital for the next 24 hours maybe even 48, until I was assured that Phil was in a coma and would not die without notice. I stayed at the hospital most nights. I’d seen a number of movies where people would magically come out of a coma because they could feel or hear the love in the room. Now I know, that is only in the movies. I would hold Phil’s hand, play our favorite songs, talk to him, yell at him, pray for him and just watch him. I thought I would be his reason for waking up. Sometimes, his hand would twitch in mine. I thought he was squeezing my hand. But this lasted days and wasn’t a squeeze of love or an “it’s okay sis, I’m coming”. It had been weeks of a coma, seizing and wonder. Wonder what would happen next, wondering if he would survive, wondering how we would survive…

From the ER we moved into ICU. Here, Some light started to come out of the situation. By light, I mean life. Phil had opened his eyes but was unable to talk, eat, walk, or communicate. He was no longer the person we all knew. Not long after, Phil went back into a coma.

It is hard to recount the steps that we took or recall the days that have passed…but as I am typing this out I have that same feeling in my stomach, frog in my throat and unsettling thought of what life is for some people.

In the summer to come many tears were shed by the family, nights were spent awake and days were spent at the hospital. There was not much happy in these days but there was a wedding of one of my brothers and a chance for the entire family to be together. The weeks and months to come were filled with steps forwards and leaps backwards and a mistake made by one that all of us were forced to learn from.

July came quick and I needed to head back to Arizona for my job. This was not an option for me at that time. With my brother was in and out of the ICU, leaving was not an ideal situation for me. I wouldn’t let it be a situation at all and with careful consideration I resigned from my teaching position in Arizona and stayed home where I felt I needed to be.

Phil is a warrior. He always has been. He was not supposed to survive this. I think of my family as an army. We have fought some dark battles [together] and we have won all but not without sustaining injury.

Phil got into Saint Luke’s rehabilitation center which became our home for the next month where Phil learned to walk, talk,write, eat, and do everyday skills that you learn as a child. We were not out of the clear…there were many ambulance rides back to the ER and several questions that still haven’t been answered. But after his time at Saint Luke’s, we walked out of there together.

Sadly, when my dad calls several times-my heart pounds. When I call my parents several times, I’m sure the same happens for them.

When I don’t hear from my brothers I begin to panic.

When my brothers tell me that they love me…I question why they are saying that.

We have added people to the family since, made mends and ripped too many stitches. But here we are. All six of us are still around, happy and healthy (I like to think).

20 years after meeting chaos…I am now what some would consider to be a professional with chaos. A master of chaos. I can welcome chaos and take care of the situation at hand. I’ve been in many ambulance rides, handled many adult like problems and become a comfort to those who find themselves going through similar situations that I have. This stuff-it is not good. It’s not something that most people share. But this, this has made me who I am. I’ve never been embarrassed of the hard stuff. To me this is a testimony of my family, our greatness, strength, resilience and love.

Positive lessons are rarely taught in positive ways

Take care of yourself. Impact people positively. Be sunshine in somebody’s dark day.

Also-I made a peanut butter and bacon sammy last night. It has been a long time since I’ve had one of those!

Thank you for being you.

illie

January 23, 2019
Countdown

I love when I am reading a book and I recognize the emotion and meaning behind the title of the book or even the chapter. My title for my blog is Rubee Miles. Rubee Miles because if I ever have a daughter, that is what I want to name her. The meaning this name has come to be deep in my heart and explainable beyond my heart. Some people think I don’t want to be a Mom but it is a hope and dream of mine. People say you have to meet the child before you choose a name. But Rubee Miles would be perfect for any child of mine…even if it does end up having 4 legs. Finding the relation between a title and a person’s writing is one of my favorite things.

Happy birthday to some very special women in my life. Happy birthday Mama, Kristy and Lois!! Happy Birthday to my favorite, wonderful, wacky, women. You inspire and motivate me to be a better person. You encourage me to keep moving forward and to choose happy as a way of life. Thank you for improving the quality of my life. Spread your glitter- you make the world sparkle!

This was my first Christmas waking up, alone, without family. It was not magical or heartwarming. It was sad. It was harder than I imagined. Now, all the Christmas decorations have been replaced with New Years decorations.

In Japan, lonely has a different meaning. I had someone say to me, you must be lonely. I kind of giggled because generally you don’t say that to someone. Lonely in Japan just means, by yourself. In that case yes, I am alone/lonely. But I can be in a room full of people and feel alone. On Christmas, I was in a room full of people and felt lonely. Lonely to me is a sadness caused by the absence of love. Lonely is a feeling of being alone, not just a physical description. For the most part I do not feel lonely, even though I spend a lot of time alone. Differences in the way two people use the same word interests me.

Christmas in Japan is celebrated for fun. Some families get small trees (a foot tall or so) and eat chicken/KFC for a Christmas dinner. You can probably guess where my dinner was from…YEP, 7-11. I’ve been waiting to receive a package from Chichi. I swear he timed it exactly so, that it would arrive on Christmas. Once again, a great letter, photos of loved ones and MASKS! Another joy filled package.

New Years celebrations here closely resemble traditions for Christmas in America. Families travel to be together for the New Year. Many places are closed December 30-January 3rd and nearly all places are closed on New Years day. Families celebrate by having a special dinner together, staying up (all night) playing games, maybe visiting a shrine or temple and sharing their hopes, dreams and prayers for the upcoming year. At midnight on New Years the Temples ring their bell 108 times. This is believed to release 108 sins from all humans. The 108 sins that these bells rid us include mental states that cloud the mind and force people to manifest/think of impure actions. This can be anxiety, fear, anger, jealousy, desire, depression and more. I think this is a great tradition to bring in a new year. To me, a clean slate is much better done by cleaning it rather than filling it with resolutions. I’d rather have a fresh start than a list of goals that makes me feel like I’m already behind what is supposed to be a “New Year”.

Families spend this holiday together and manifest a future that they hope for while riding themselves of accidental and purposeful sins. We all find ourselves in boats we do not want to be in. New Years is a time to grow stronger… Families will gather for the New Year and that doesn’t leave much room for a foreigner. Who knows-maybe I’ll get to spend the new year with my family too.

I’ve always felt a feeling of defeat on New Years. People are always talking about a renewed sense of hope. Every morning I have a renewed sense of hope. People wait all week for Friday, all year for their favorite season and their entire life for happiness. I cannot bare to do that. I choose happy each day because I believe happy is a way of life.

I’m not counting down until Friday, summer, or the new year.

I have never understood why people wait to make a goal or resolution. If I waited for a New Year to make/start a goal, I would never achieve anything. I am reflecting, planning and growing daily. I’d rather use the new year as a stamp in time to resemble who I am in that moment. I prefer to look back at how I have grown rather than plan ahead for what could end up being failure. I’m not scared of failure. I have some size failure every day from as little as forgetting to take my vitamin to not setting alarm and possibly having forgot to switch my laundry. Today, my failure (so far) was starting the day with 2 fresh squeezed lemons instead of one. Continuing after failure is where growth happens. My goals have a large range from what some people would laugh at because it’s a “dream” to what others would laugh at because a child might have bigger goals.

I’ve always wanted to own a zoo. That’s my dream. Is it crazy…maybe. Would it be impossible to own a zebra…NO. But that’s a big dream, I know. But someone once told me I’d never own an animal that could live at a zoo. That person is no longer in my life. These are my dreams-you get your own. A little dream of mine…to stop biting my nails, learn judo and sleep through the night without waking up. I’m making, rearranging, prioritizing, failing and succeeding each day at different goals I have. [I tried Judo at school with students today, for the first time. I had no prior knowledge on Judo, I just had a feeling it was going to be badass. I couldn’t think of a better word to describe my feelings towards something I had only heard of-sorry for that word choice. However, I was right. It was the coolest. I participated in about half of the warm up. I was too weak to do the whole thing. My hope is that if I keep going to Judo, I’ll gain enough strength to do the entire warm up. Maybe I’ll even be able to participate in part of the actual practice. The amount of charlie horses I got and the intense soreness of my abdominals right now is a clear indicator that I am using muscles I didn’t even know I had. Learned a few of the basics. I had no idea Judo had so much gripping, grappling, striking and body locks involved. I’ve never seen such graceful, aggressiveness.

In early December I attended Kobe Luminaire. This is a light show that began after the Great Hanshin Earthquake in 1995. Thousands of people lost their lives, tens of thousands of people were injured and hundreds of thousands of people were displaced. This light show symbolized bringing light back into the lives of people in Japan. It is an annual representation of the lives lost and the regained hope and renewal that was necessary to rebuild the city. Seeing this light show, I felt that renewal in my heart, something I have never felt on New Years.

I’ve been living what my best friends refer to as “my best life“. I’ve been exploring all hours of the day, meeting new friends and going out with old friends. I think the grandma life is more my style. Japan, the best life has been real…but I’m more fit for the old soul (early to bed and early to rise) young heart (zoo visits and ocean trips) life.

I had my first experience at the doctor. I say experience because I gained new knowledge through this exposure. In Japan each symptom requires a different doctor. A doctor specialized in that area. I understand why and I appreciate a specialist who is an expert in their area. In the USA, my primary care facility was Minor Emergency until I was about 24. I went there for everything (stitches, shots, broken bones, fever, illness-you name it I’ve been there for it). Now, I tell my doctor everything. I guess I’m use to more of a “one size fits all” patient. I hate one size fits all because it never fits right but this is the one time I would have preferred it (only because it is what I am used to).

I attended my first Bonenkai (Forget the year party). This is a party where people get together to forget the troubles and stresses of the past year and start the new year to come, fresh. Most of this event was in Japanese and I still had the most wonderful time. The company, games and food was perfect. What a cool party to have. I love that every single person can communicate with a smile or a laugh. The happy that was spread across the faces of people at this party was a sight to see. A language barrier cannot block the communication that happens through emotions. We play the same, laugh the same and can communicate through so much more than words. Forget the year and bless the next. I love the traditions I have experienced so far.

I’ve been meeting with a student after school to help her prepare for her high school entrance exam. It seems to be comparable to applying for community college. We have run into road blocks due to the language barrier and the best way I have found around these is to act the words out, or draw a picture. Common sense maybe…but I always thought rephrasing and repeating was a great strategy. Turns out it is useless. Rephrase: Explain an unknown word using more unknown words. Repeat: Still don’t understand. Sometimes it can be frustrating, but I prefer to exhaust all options before turning to a dictionary or translation device. We both must try tremendously hard to accomplish this and it is a great challenge for both of us. The students here study an intense amount, more than I would have ever dreamed of. The athletes practice more in one day than some students in America do in a whole week.

Right now, it is winter break both in America and Japan. Students last day of school was Christmas. However, teachers work until December 29th and then return January 4th. Teachers have a six-day break and two of those days are thanks to a weekend. Students may not have class but they are all here practicing their club activity. Winter break and the school is functioning close to normal. Teachers are working, students are practicing, and everybody is busy. At home, students and teachers are completely off from school for a week or two. Huge difference in the education systems.

I went to a Spokane/Nishinomiya sister city dinner. I met many new faces and had the company of a dear friend that I met when I arrived in Japan. Students who just got back from Spokane were at the party and shared some of their favorite activities! Several of the people attending the party had also been to Spokane. It kind of brings us together like a family when we have the connection of being in the same places. They love my home and I love theirs. Kind of like how I have an automatic connection with Corn Huskers. When you love and support the same ______ It makes for an instant connection. At this dinner I was gifted a poinsettia. These remind me of my mama and my grandma. It was a beautiful gift to receive and it brought joy to my heart. My friend and I are now going to see who can keep their plant living happily, longer. We both love plants…but our living plant success is non-existent.

Happy Merry Everything

illies

December 27, 2018
Gas Tank Full of Freedom

12/10/18 +

At the top of my TO DO list for Japan, I have: Fall in Love. Above all else, while I am here my goal is to fall in love,

with myself.

Oh my goodness. It has almost been a month since I went home to the USA. Since I have been back-it has been a whirlwind.
I’ve been talking with my friends and brother about traveling around Japan. I feel like I am missing out by not exploring. But the thing is-every time I step out of my apartment, it is an adventure. I haven’t traveled Japan yet but I am planning to. Once leaving my home is no longer an adventure, I will start checking items off of my bucket list.

This being said…I’ve already been in Japan for nearly 5 months. That means I am almost half way through my year in Japan.

As a teacher-I am growing like a weed. I am gaining so much experience teaching English as a second language. I have no doubt that this opportunity is helping me grow as much as a teacher, as it is a person.

Thinking about my growth and overall, how much I have changed since I was a child…this quote was very humbling. There are wonderful humans out there who are evil in my story-the thought of being the evil in somebody else’s gives me those dirty moths in my stomach. I think this is why it is so important to remember that people will never forget the way you made them feel.

I’ve made some people feel really awful in my past. If you are reading this and you are one of them-I apologize. There are several people I have reached out to and personally apologized..but you know what? People that made me feel bottom of the barrel awful, they never apologized. That is okay, but I remember the way you made me feel, the times you caused me pain. Thanks to you, I’m a way fresher person than I use to be. By fresher…I mean more: Resilient, kind and happy.

Right now, Japan is where I am meant to be. I know this because I see personal growth as well as professional. People should be living a life that makes them better. Being here, is making me better. I also hope to be making people better here. At school I try to make sure students know that I see them. Not like I see them up to no good, or goofing around…

but that I see them, I care and that they are enough.

Adventures since I’ve been back from the United States.

HOT SPRINGS! My dear friend took me to Arima hot springs. This is one of the most ancient onsen’s in Japan. This hot spring is a rusty orange color because of all of its natural components. There are very few hotsprings in the world that have this many elements. This is similar to a public bath. You wash your body off and get into a small pool like tub. Yes, naked. Yes, with other people. Boys and girls are separated. At this onsen there were no tattoos allowed. Having a number of them, Sachiko and Moko helped me cover all of them with bandaid like tattoo covers. Lots of laughs and giggles while we did this.

There were three different baths at this Onsen. After each bath you put your clothes on and walk to the next location. We took part in a buffet beforehand, all you can eat Japanese food! I tried everything. Because I will always try things at least once.

On the way home We stopped to admire fall leaves. This was a breath taking forest of trees with more color than imaginable.

Sachiko also took me for a drive through the country side. This was my first time seeing “country side” here in Japan. It reminded me more of home than anything else here, has. The roads were bigger, everything was more spread out and it wasn’t as busy. It felt kind of like driving on the Palouse, but not.

I ate Shabu shabu. And…a snail. Because I have to try everything at least once…SUPER COOL meal to eat and the company was nice too!

Snails are like slugs. I HATE slugs. So taking this snail out of its shell to eat was a first and last time event for me. After dinner I gave Pachinko a try and searched for wild bores. You know how much I love hunting for animals. Hunting to me is just searching with my eyeballs and jumping with excitement when I see a creature. This night may have ended with Super Mario. Most of my nights do. HAH.

I have actually been lost now. Like, wandering for an hour just looking for something that I was familiar with. In an hour, I reached my step goal, had no wifi and 12% battery on my phone. My map was no help because I was in an area I had never been. I never found anything familiar, a train station, or free wifi. I also wasn’t at my best. I walked until I saw a cab pulled over. I’m sure I sounded half dead as I said, “Ride?”. I got an Ok. Got a ride to my bicycle. The ride was 35 minutes and worth every single YEN.

All Japan Pro Wrestling!

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I went to watch professional wrestling in JAPAN! Cool huh? The coolest part is I got to see an old friend from Spokane, WRESTLE in Japan!! I personally find that to be insanely incredible. The odds in that happening have got to be low to none.

I went with a coworker and his friend. They are huge fans of pro-wrestling. All around, amazing night with great people. So fun to see someone from home, here in Japan. I get excited seeing someone I know at the grocery store in Spokane so you can probably imagine my joy in seeing people in Japan. Parrow and Odinson took the W in a tag team match. Whoop whoop.

I’m looking forward to seeing another Professional wrestling show while I am here.

I’ve got some time off coming up for Winter break. I work on Christmas. First time, working on Christmas. I have many special birthdays to celebrate the day after Christmas. These people are more dear to my heart and soul than I can say. I hope you can feel my love from Japan. Happy Birthday (Dec 26^th) To my MAMA, KRISTY, and LOIS! I’ve been thinking about you since December began and I’ll be celebrating you all month long. Heck, I celebrate the three of you all year long.

Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear, Mama, Kristy, and Lois, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.

With a break coming up, I have considered going home…but I really want to explore the country I live in. If I go home every chance I get-I won’t ever see this whole new world. (This week in class students are singing-A whole new world.) It dropped 30 degrees over the past week. Last week I was riding my bike in a Tshirt and enjoying the colors of fall. Today, I wore my long johns, beanie and winter jacket. I think this is one of the first times I have worn a beanie for warmth. I never realized how cold my ears get when I have a hat on. Now that I think about it…I haven’t ridden a bike in the fall in probably 15 years…I just forgot the feeling of COLD hitting my cheeks and sneaking through my strands of hair up to my ears.It was 39 degrees when I woke up this morning. Last week it was 70 degrees. That is a pretty drastic change in such a short amount of time.

Last week

This week

My morning commute consists of these minor yet major inclines. Some days I ride up the entire way, sometimes I make it half way…and this week for the first time I started walking my bike at the bottom. My legs are getting stronger. I couldn’t make it to the top my first time. Hah. Now I spend the first 10 minutes of my bike ride, wondering how much effort I want to put forth in order to save myself one minute riding up VS walking up.Giggling. I love that my daily decisions start here…Well actually even earlier my hardest decision is what I will wear. Feel like a small child, going to a drawer, closing my eyes and wearing whatever I pull out.

I rearranged my apartment, which I have done a few times now. It makes things feel…fresh.

At school, students had a tournament. Girls played volleyball and boys played handball. I saw lots of smiles during this and I couldn’t stop thinking about how cool it was that students could have a handball tournament, at school. Last week, we had a marathon day. Students choose the distance they would run and ran anywhere from 1km to 10 km. More than half of the school choose 10km!! I choose 3km and my running partner helped me keep a good pace the entire time. Probably my fastest mile since 4th grade.

I’ve sent out many letters and postcards recently. I’m the biggest fan of mail. I hope if you receive mail, it gives you some happy in your heart. That is my goal, to spread happy. We started penpals too!! Seeing the students write to my kiddos at home, made me glow. *Hours after writing this, I checked my mail and what do you know-I HAD A LETTER FROM A DEAR FRIEND. Thank you sister. This is my favorite card.

My refrigerator is empty. Probably a good time to start the whole30. I have been yearning for a redbull. I haven’t given in. I’d get so jacked up if I had a redbull, I probably can’t handle them anymore. I could drink a 20Oz redbull and take a nap. I was looking at how much caffeine was in the tea I am drinking…20-30MGs. I was drinking 200+mgs a day… When I take Tylenol-I take 2 extra strength tablet, each 500mgs. Here, the pain killer I got was similar to a 25mg ibuprofen and was to be taken every six hours.

I felt like I really lived here the first time I wore a mask. When I came back from the USA, I was feeling pretty nasty. I didn’t want to spread these USA germs…because I worry that they might be stronger (like how medicines are stronger in the USA). That’s my reasoning. Everything is stronger at home so the germs must be too.

However, the breath mints here are way stronger. They about knock your socks off!

The apples are bigger.

You rent movies at a rental shop.

I’ve made some great relationships with students. I have students helping me learn Japanese. At lunch time I eat with a class. I enjoy this time, talking with students and eating new foods. The other day at lunch it was an entire (small) fish, with its head and skin still on…I tried a bite but then I had to give the rest away. I don’t like to see a creatures face unless I’m out hunting (looking) for them.

Japan Amazon is my favorite. I could order something today and have it within 24 hours. That’s crazy.

I’m still tired from the weekend. I think tonight might be a night of 12+ hours of sleep. That means I can go to bed at 7. That sounds magical. I’m such a baby. Dane-I wish you were here. I know you would fit in well with me on a Friday night! Have yet to meet someone with our mindset.

Update-I went to bed at 11pm and woke up at 3am. Sleeping just wasn’t in the cards for me last night. Urg. Try again tonight. My sleep still isn’t quite right for some reason. Anxiety, dokidoki? Unsure. I was wishing that I was a preschooler again and my mom cold pick my clothes out and dress me because that was a demanding task this morning.

Oh yes. Last thing. I had a sentimental Clark Griswald moment last night as I recalled the happiness of life as a child. Last night I sat and watched a home video from 27 years ago. In this video, I was 1, my brothers were 5, 7 and 9 and my parents were 38. It is Christmas Eve and Christmas. I love hearing my parents voices, they still sound the same. I melted hearing all of our little voices. When you are little, life should be this wonderful. It makes me sad that it isn’t this way for all children. Since this video, everything has changed but nothing at the same time. That’s impossible, but it is true.

As always, glad to be apart of your day.

illie

JapanLife

December 11, 2018
No one can take away your pain so never let anyone take away your happiness

11/27

I’ve been rockin’ and rollin’ the past month. Quick recap-the beginning of November I SAW MONKEYS! Yuko journeyed with me to Arashiyama to admire a bamboo forest and the beauty of fall. I’ve been talking about seeing a monkey in the wild since I arrived in Japan…so when we saw signs saying watch for monkeys-I was like a kid on Christmas morning. This is one of my favorite adventures so far.

We had sports day which consisted of all junior highs in Nishinomiya. It took place at Koshien Statium, where the professional baseball team, The Hanshin Tigers, play. Once again-we have nothing comparable to this in America. We got there by train. Students sit by grade level and perform by grade level. Each grade level does an athletic dance and there are relay races followed by awards for the fastest team in the city. I’m not going to say anything more about this because it is more incredible than my words can describe.

I had a presentation for Nishinomiya International Association.

I talked about the similarities and differences between Spokane and Nishinomiya. HOLY GOODNESS, there are an infinite amount. After I showed pictures and spent too much time talking, adults were able to ask questions. A few questions I got were: How do you deal with bullying in America? Do you own a gun? What surprised you most in Japan? After the presentation, I spent a day out with friends.

I have officially been redbull/energy drink free for three weeks and nicotine free for over a year! These both are huge accomplishments for me. I hear that people feel differently when they give their body what it needs. I don’t know what that means (because my body always feels the same) -but I’m trying to figure it out. I’m trying to nourish my body and be more intentional about what I put into my body. People say that after massages, adjustments, yoga, exercise, eating healthy they “feel” different. What exactly does that mean? My entire life I have felt the same after each of these activities. I have found acupuncture and massage to be the most relaxing (during) but my body itself, generally always feels the same. I will say, I have started taking some supplements and new vitamins and I am noticing that my dreams are more vivid and my memory is better. Something must be doing my brain some good.

In the beginning of November Sachiko helped me figure out my life. My acne has been the worst it’s ever been. Sachiko noticed how bad it was and asked, “are you ok, what’s wrong?” (We were driving to the post office to pick up a package [at the time I didn’t know it would be the best package I’ve ever received in my life] from my dad.) I told her, “I’m great-must be the food I’m eating.” She responded with, “Your stomach is bulging, your face is bad, I think you are stressed.” My first response was to laugh. Not because of her pure honesty about my bulging stomach and mass amount of zits…

but what could I possibly be stressed about?

I’ve had that said to me so many times you would think it is stamped on my forehead. I started to agree with the statement I’ve heard too many times “you have nothing to be stressed about, you are 28 years old, single and have no children.” After I spoke those words Sachiko said, “You miss home. Your family and the comforts of home. I know it doesn’t feel like it but I think that you’re holding a lot of stress.” Of course, I miss home but I’ve been so busy living that…I kind of avoid thinking about home. People ask if I’m home sick and NO comes out of my mouth quicker than I can formulate a better response. I don’t know what homesick is. Kind of like how I don’t understand what jet lag is.

[Side note* Stress is real. Everybody has it. I am 28, single, have a career and no obligations because of the choices I have made. People say that to me like it’s a blessing or I’m abnormally lucky to be ME. Stop yourself right there. I got myself to where I am. I’m 28 (because the birthdays keep on coming) and single because I refuse to settle. I don’t have children because I haven’t met somebody I want to have a family with, yet. Would I like children? YES. You may have made different life decisions than me, some by mistake and some on purpose. No matter who you are, where you’re at and what you want-that is up to you. It feels like people are trying to make me feel like my stress, anxiety and worries are inadequate [compared to what they could be]. Maybe you had a plan for your life and it is/isn’t turning out the way you imagined. I’ve never had a plan. My future changes with each day. My stresses are changing as I realized I can be in the eye of the storm where I am calm and everything around me is flying off the handles, out of control. But I have stress. We all do. But there is a difference between luck and hard work. I’m not where I am at by luck. I appreciate the life I live and the people in it. Don’t ever ask somebody what they have, to be stressed about if you’re only trying to make them feel like their issues are laughable compared to yours. I might be upset about almost missing a flight. It might be a huge deal for me. But maybe missing that flight meant missing out on time with people who I love. I could be late to the airport because I haven’t slept and I was at the hospital all night with somebody that I care about. Yes, it is incredible that I have the opportunity to catch a flight…because I’ve met people who haven’t had the chance to catch a bus yet. This doesn’t make it any less of a big deal for me. Comparing me to others doesn’t make my knees stop shaking, or my heart stop pounding.

Seeing a rainbow is a reason for me to dance and celebrate. I LOVE RAINBOWS. You may not see the magic in that rainbow but I do, SO LET ME DANCE.

People generally don’t try to downplay my happies or one up my happies…but when it comes to life challenges, all too often people try to downplay or one up my hurts. Nothing about two people is comparable. That is why you shouldn’t compare yourselves to others. Our problems, bodies, happies, sads, childhoods-you name it…ARE NOT THE SAME but the feelings we have are similar. Isn’t that the magic in life? Meeting people from different walks of life and connecting with people who have been through different situations but felt those same feelings?! Be gentle with people. We all hurt the same.)

No one can take away your pain so never let anyone take away your happiness

Ok back to the story-I arrived at the post office and I ran inside to grab my package (at 7:45pm, because the post office is open late but banks close at 3!!) and when I got to the car I joyfully opened it.

First, I saw a note from my dad, that only had 14 words but made my eyes well up, one blink and tears would be falling.

Next, I opened pocket number one to find photos that chichi printed. Photos of his trip here, the dogs, my brothers and mama. BLINK- tears ran down my cheeks.

I flipped through the photos and felt that beautiful pain.

Pocket number 2 had keychains since father lost my keys, this made me laugh.

Not to mention these came inside of a MINI ADVENTURE PACK.

I was happysad. At that moment I realized that I miss my people/animals far more than I acknowledge or notice. I’m pretty in tune with my emotions so I’m still not sure how this snuck up on me.

Around this time an English teacher told me that it was going to be a testing week. During exam weeks I do not have classes but I come to work and keep myself busy. I was told it would be a good time to take paid leave if I wanted to…

(Meanwhile…back home Phil [my brother] was visiting from Denver where he works for the airlines. He had just had the conversation about how he shouldn’t have given me flight benefits because I would never use them since I’m living in Japan…) However, without these flight benefits a trip home wouldn’t have even become a thought in my mind. Moments later Phil received a text message.

All I did was send one text to Phil saying, “I’m going to look at coming home next week”. Before I had put any real planning or thought into it, I received a flight confirmation Email. I got butterflies and another tear of happy ran down my cheek because I couldn’t wait to see my people and I didn’t have to debate going or not, my brother already booked me! This would have been days of, “what if? What about? What happens if? How can I?” Thank goodness Phil put me on a flight back to the USA just days before I would depart. [Side note: people say you don’t share your wishes with people. Birthday wishes, 11:11 wishes, shooting star wishes…but I’ve always been a firm believer in the more you share it with the more likely it is to come true. Like this thought of going home…sharing it with my brother is what got me home, he got me home. Thank you Phil, my heart needed that. Had I kept this thought to myself, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere.] I was beyond excited for a journey home to fill my heart up with all that I’ve ever known. So, I used my new mini adventure pack and flight benefits to take a quick trip home, to fill my heart with dog kisses, snuggles, a hug from my mama and a costco trip with chichi. Flights were filling up, so I ended up catching a flight the next day instead of in 3 days.

My first flight was (business class) from Osaka, Japan to San Francisco, California. Yeah, you read that right, business class. Business class is the new first class. Holy smokes. Drinks, slippers, warms peanuts, seats that recline into beds and auto tinting windows! I was a virgin to this kind of service. When I was handed a warm washcloth, I was baffled. I had to watch the people around me and follow their lead. On the way to California I started Avatar, napped for about 7 hours (I barely made it to bed the night before departure) and then woke up in time to finish Avatar and eat breakfast.

From California I went to Denver to spend a night with Phil. That was as adventure in itself, to say the least. My next stop, SPOKANE.

I was home long enough to feel the heat of burning bridges and excitement of building new bridges. The time I had with my friends and family was exactly what my heart needed. I didn’t get to see all the people I would have liked to, but I did get to see most of the ones I needed to. It was we were kids again (although Kate just turned 29!). We had sleepovers at my parents’ house, played video games, stayed up late and practically jumped for joy when mom got home from grocery shopping (waking us up from our couch nap after an unbelievably long night).

I had 2 amazing massages, much-needed acupuncture, (Thank you WELLNESS TREE) highlights and more hugs in that week than I’ve had in 4 months. I got to visit my previous students and the most loving staff. I spent most of Thanksgiving with my neighbor Liz, who I love dearly. She has been in my life since I can remember…maybe since birth. I also spent time with my family (2 out of 3 brothers) and started packing for my commute back home to Japan.

My trip home reminded me how loved I am.

My time at home has already come and gone. It’s hard to believe I’ve been back in Japan almost 48 hours. I started to feel a cold on Thanksgiving and by the next day, I felt like death. Phil and I both had (6AM) flights so we went to the airport together and shared a few laughs before heading our separate ways. The flight back was as glorious as the flight to Spokane, only this time my ears were hurting, my nose was running and my throat was feeling something fierce. I took advantage of the earplugs, hand soap and chairBED. I took $15 (airport) Sudafed every 4 hours even though it didn’t seem to help. I kept taking it just to keep myself from crying like a baby. I had 2 carry-ons and I picked up my 2 checked bags when I arrived in Japan. These bags were the largest suitcases allowed on aircraft and each weighed 70+ pounds. I was walking through the airport sweating from a fever or the intense workout I was achieving, happy to be back.

In the airport, I was back to being a foreigner, hearing Japanese and smiling. I remembered how nervous I was the first time I came to Japan, just walking through the airport was terrifying, then. This time, I was able to ask for help so that I could get out of the airport as quickly and smoothly as possible. I would be taking the airport limousine back to the closest train station and from there catch a taxi. I couldn’t have done that when I moved in here. GROWTH!

When I got to my mansion (apartment) I carried up each bag one by one. I thought about unpacking them at the bottom of the stairs, outside of apartment doors. I probably should have because carrying 70lbs up 2 flights of stairs couldn’t have been a pleasing sound to neighbors (between my squealing/grunting and the suitcase banging the stairs). I unpacked one suitcase, took Tylenol PM and hit the sheets because in 12 hours I would be riding my bike to work and I needed all the rest I could get.

I saw maybe 1-2 people cycling while I was in the USA. Driving felt strange, exciting and new when I arrived in the US. Coming back, it felt awkward getting on my bicycle. My bike seat didn’t feel the same, it felt hard and uncomfortable. I got kind of use to driving everywhere again. There was snow on the grown when I left Spokane. When I arrived in Nishinomiya the weather felt perfect. I text my friend Yuko and said “It’s so BEAUTIFUL OUT”. She said, “It’s getting cool”. I thought, what in the world-it’s perfect. DUH, it was perfect, I was still sweating profusely. Later that night I realized my apartment was the same temperature as it was outside which was COLD. The day I left I had all my windows open. Now I have all my heaters on.

Seeing the students in Japan made me as happy as visiting my students back in Spokane. It was refreshing to see their faces and here their hello’s. I missed being here. I missed the people, the culture and being a light in somebody else’s country. No matter where I am, I’ll always be missing someone, that is a part of loving. I’m empowered knowing that I’m never missing a “piece of me” because it doesn’t take another human being to complete the person I am.

Thank you Kate for the new vocabulary word

This may sound strange, especially coming from a white person so take it or leave it. When I arrived back in America, I was overwhelmed by the amount of white people I saw. The diversity in America is the only diversity I had ever known. However, it’s not all that I know now, and it was a strange feeling noticing this.

Being in Japan has made my world so much bigger. I always knew I wanted to travel. I had no good reason for wanting to-I’ve just been drawn to it but too afraid. I’ve been to a few states in the USA. I noticed that people in Nebraska were more kind to strangers than people in Washington. I saw that neighborhoods in Arizona changed block by block rather than area by area. Denver has a faster paced life style. I’m always taking in similarities and differences between places and people. This is why I am supposed to travel. I needed to see that the world is so much more than the few states I’ve experienced. People are so much more than good and/or bad. Language is one way to communicate but communication is more than the words we use.

My world, heart and mind are more wide open than ever and all of these will continue to expand, if I let them.

For everyday, live and let live.

illie

November 28, 2018
Beautifully Painful

“There was a time when the world was enormous: spanning the vast, almost infinite boundaries of your neighborhood. The place where you grew up, where you didn’t think twice about playing on someone else’s lawn. The street was your territory that occasionally got invaded by a passing car. It was where you didn’t get called home until after it was dark. And all the people, and all the houses that surrounded you were as familiar as the things in your own room.” -Wonder Years

I’ve been thinking about Kevin Arnold (I know Phil, you have too). If you don’t know Kevin, you should. I read this quote and it gave me all the feelings. When I think about home and growing up, this is how I feel. I was probably one of the last generations to grow up with this comfort, safety and freedom. The streets and neighborhoods were just a big playground. The rock wall, the curbs/cracks on the sidewalk, the shortcuts through the woods-I could walk these obstacles with my eyes closed. I miss that. Looking back can sometimes be harder than looking forward. I’ve been reminiscing-not purposely. Memories have been popping into my head and heart. Recalling events of childhood, there are memories flooding back to me. It is beautifully, painful.

Kevin Arnold also said “Things never turn out exactly the way you planned. I know they didn’t with me. Still, like my father used to say, ‘Traffic’s traffic, you go where life takes you’ and growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you’re in diapers, the next you’re gone, but the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a time a place, a particular fourth of July, the things that happened in that decade of war and change. I remember a house like a lot of houses, a yard like a lot of yards, on a street like a lot of other streets. I remember how hard it was growing up among people and places I loved. Most of all, I remember how hard it was to leave. And the thing is, after all these years I still look back in wonder.”

10/15/2018

I am not scared or nervous about where I am going. I’m sad about what I am leaving behind.

I identified this feeling for the first time today and now that I have…I see that this is how I’ve felt almost my entire life. When I was a child (single digit age) my dad would take us to Comstock, the public pool. My brothers and I would jump off the bunk bed and pile into the suburban. Sometimes, I didn’t go. It wasn’t that I was scared to go-or I didn’t want to go. I hated to leave my mom at home by herself. I wasn’t scared about moving to Arizona, I was sad about what I was leaving behind. I thought I was terrified to move to Japan…but turns out I’m not scared of what is to come, I’m afraid to lose/sad to leave people. But being sad to leave and having a hard goodbye is more heartwarming than an easy goodbye. An easy goodbye to me signifies a weak/nonexistent connection, a missed opportunity to spread sparkle and see the sparkle of others, or a chapter of life has come and gone where love was not present. A farewell only hurts when the impact of the person is positive (otherwise, why say goodbye?). I leave my first Junior high school in Japan tomorrow. Every six months ALT’s are switched to a new school. I’m not scared of where I am headed. I am excited to meet more students and staff. What is hard, is what I am leaving. I left the word behind off that time. When I say “leaving behind” it’s like I’m moving forward and the people who are staying are not and that is not what I mean at all. I am leaving a great group of humans and that is hard, no buts about it. I am leaving just as quietly and smoothly as I entered on September third. Thankful to have been at such a wonderful place.

I remember distinctly as a child-my greatest fear was losing someone close to me. That still is my greatest fear. When I leave…I feel as if I am losing something. Even just going to the pool for a few hours-I felt like I was losing something when I left my mama home. I think it is the fear of missing out giving me anxiety because I haven’t lost anything while I’ve been in Japan, rather I have gained a whole new world. Maybe I overdid it on the caffeine today, my heart is pounding like the sound and rhythm of a runner’s feet hitting the ground as they sprint. Or, maybe it is just that, anxiety. I think I’ve got some feelings creeping up on me that I do not particularly like…I could listen to my intuition and let these feelings come and go as they should…but I know this will include tears and I just don’t feel like crying. Isn’t that strange? I know I am going to cry, I feel it, but I don’t want to. I’ve noticed the past week or two my emotions are riding higher than the high they usually ride. I love butterflies-the kind you get in your stomach (doki doki). Butterflies are when a butterfly is in your belly flapping its wings, right? That’s what I believe wholeheartedly. It tickles and makes you nervous and it’s because something BREATH TAKING is on the horizon (something that makes you nervous-but the good/be brave/in love kind of nervous). The opposite, I have come to know are what I call “moths”. I’ve called them that for over a decade now. I imagine them to be just like butterflies but with thorns on their wings. When their wings flutter they give you a pain like sensation…a pit in your stomach. What scares me is when I get these and I’m not sure why. Our bodies are amazing. We can choose to listen to them when they tell us something-or ignore it. But for me-moths are like that red flag, they are a warning sign from deep within. I will be proceeding with caution but what I think is up ahead is a fit of sadness and tears and I will handle it with grace.

I got home from Okinawa yesterday. I’ve been wanting to explore and been too reluctant to go on a journey by myself. Like a teacher scaffolding a student…I needed some support before I adventure out by myself. I went to Okinawa (by myself) and stayed with an “online friend”. I’m laughing out loud. A person that I had only known through interweb interactions. I would never. But I did. It’s not some catfish deal. This girl, she’s the REAL DEAL.

A friend from home told me, “You HAVE TO REACH OUT TO CHRIS, she lives in Japan!” The friends I have at home are the most kind-hearted, genuine and real people I know. With a high priority suggestion like this coming from a person I trust with my heart, I reached out immediately. Okinawa has also been strongly recommended to me so I started asking Chris questions about Japan and if I could come visit. I hadn’t planned it because I’m not a planner. In Japan-people schedule everything. I hope I become accustomed to this myself. I wrote Chris on Tuesday, asking if I could come Wednesday or Thursday to visit for the weekend-then I bought my ticket. Thank goodness Chris has some wiggle room in her life to accept a visitor on such little/no notice. Sachiko was gracious enough to give me a ride to the airport…she knew I would likely get lost and miss such an early flight. I do miss that 15 minute commute to the Spokane airport.

Okinawa was completely different than [Mainland] Japan. The Military base, even MORE different than JAPAN! I’ve been missing gatorade, peanut butter, jelly, budlight, pralines and cream ice cream, burgers, the laughter and chatter of children, home and the company of sleepovers/family meals. All these needs got fulfilled this weekend and I got to see the ocean (and so much more). Chris and her husband have two daughters who are full of sunshine, giggles, the greatest vocabulary and the cutest brown eyes and personality. Each morning I had a friend beside me-ready to listen to Fancy Nancy. Each night I had a meal with wonderful people. I could write an entire blog about Okinawa-it would mostly be about the people because they were the best part of the trip. Okinawa was great too (even on the coldest days of the year, hah). It was the closest I’ve ever been to a rainforest. A few of my favorite things that we did/saw in Okinawa:

Going to the beach in the rain. NO people, beautiful shells and blue water.

Going on Base-walking into a store and laughing because it felt like I was at home and I was walking into SuperOne. I got some treasures to bring home (Gatorade mix, jelly, peanut butter, shampoo) along with souvenirs. I even used USD! That blew my mind. If I would have let it slip my mind, I would have thought I was in America. However, I was so excited that I was in Japan and seeing these products that I haven’t had since I left the USA.

Clothing-I was able to purchase some regular sized clothing that didn’t make me feel like such a giant (although, with my calorie intake my size seems to be increasing, oops). [You know-the people who love you, love you no matter what. They also think you are the most beautiful human being in the word-and your size has nothing to do with their view of you. That’s my favorite kind of love. Best friend/mama Love.]

LUNCH: I ordered a burger, friend rice and WINGS and then paid with USD.

Regular sized rockstars: 97cents. I buy the smallest redbulls/monsters you have ever seen here [Mainland], for more than 2 dollars.

The trees-I love the trees. I saw a pineapple bush for the first time as well as lots of other tropical fruits-some that were as big as my head! I got to go into a CAVE and learn about Habu snakes.

Touched a large snake. Let fish nibble on my feet. Walked barefoot in the sand.

I collected beautiful shells at the beach. When I got home I was unpacking, (my shell bag was in the kitchen) I kept hearing the crunch of plastic. I thought that the shells were going to fall off the counter, so I went to move them. To my surprise-I became a mom, to a crab! I checked each shell before I decided to keep it, but I missed this little guy (sorry bud, welcome home).

Turns out, being a crab mom is hard. I miss my Sawyer pup.

Spinach pancakes. Bed time stories. Morning snuggles.

Okinawa was my first traveling adventure, while abroad. I did it with the support of Chris and her family. I am excited to see what I “plan” or decide to do next. Thank you for letting me into your home and allowing me to spend time with your family. I have no words to show the depth of my gratitude and appreciation.

Back to the basics

I ordered a pack of bows. As you may know, I was obsessed with bows. Obsession is a strong word. Obsessions for me come out of nowhere and BOOM I am fixated on whatever it is and I WANT it and I NEED it. When I was 18 an obsession with bows began. I was walking through Forever21 at the valley mall. There were 5 bows/a variety of colors. I got one of each. That day I started wearing 1 bow a day. I rotated these bows daily and since I had 5 it got me through the school week and on the weekend, I would repeat. I started collecting bows. I have hundreds at home. I wore a bow in my hair everyday for the next 7-8 years. My best friend and I got matching bow tattoos, too. On days I didn’t wear a bow-people would ask what was wrong and they were right…something was wrong. I didn’t just stop wearing bows. It happened gradually, however I thought since I had one tattooed it still counted as “wearing” one. It was kind of symbolic of me losing my sparkle. The days wore on me and the bows became less and less until I was no longer wearing bows. I’m ready to get my sparkle back. I’m introducing bows back into my life (hair). My hair is the longest it has ever been and IT’S STILL SCORCHING hot, my hair ends up in a bun on top of my head by the end of the day. I do change my hair at least 3x a day-maybe not clothing but the hair for sure. Up, down, braid, bun, down, French braids back to a bun. My latest obsession is Edward Newgate from One Piece but I think I’m moving on. I want to buy a sewing machine-but fabric is such an expensive mania to support. My previous passion was headlamps.

Have I told you how the children/staff take care of their school? There is cleaning time at the end of each day. It is incredible to see and be a part of this.

Today, I got a hug from a student and a card from each girl on the softball team. Hard to believe we speak different languages yet we can communicate.

My most favorite thing… I always use the word “sister” as a term of endearment. I said “hey sister” to a student and later told her why I said that. The next day I got surprised with a “hey sister” from that student. It made me about dance with joy.

The way the students and the staff interact makes me smile. When I first started I was on edge every time I saw children goofing around, running inside, or rough housing. Now, I don’t even turn my head (unless I find it necessary). I’m accustomed to children not being able to touch, talk in the hallway, run inside (or outside for that matter). I’m comfortable with silent classrooms and eating/drinking during class. In Japan-students can touch, talk/sing/goof around in the hallway, run inside or outside, talk in class, but no eating or drinking. Students have the coolest PE uniforms. It is their name-that their family writes on a piece of material and sews onto a shirt. I’m going to take a white shirt to school tomorrow and have a child make me one.

The other weekend people were eating raw chicken. That goes against pretty much anything my health inspector brother has ever taught me about food. I was tempted to try it-but I was scared I would get sick before my trip to Okinawa. I have had more squid, liver, and heart. My taste buds are slow to adjust but they sure are.

Children walk anywhere/everywhere at all ages, alone. I think my mom was walking me to school in kindergarten…these children-they don’t need mama to walk them. Siblings/families are not as close as I am with my family. From what most children say-they don’t get along with their siblings.

Weekends are full of club activity. Some teachers work what seems like 8 days a week. Ok, maybe they have one day off-I applaud them.

I am overly cautious. I know that. My best friend laughs at that. When we would have sleepovers in high school I would get up late at night just to see if the doors were locked, at her dads house. I still do that when I’m in the US. Windows and doors locked. I left my car unlocked ONE time in Spokane and it got broken into. I have let my guard down a tiny bit (still making me far more careful than the average person) but I feel safe in my environment and that’s something I’ve never felt. Last week at the post office, I left my phone on the counter. I realized this when I got home. Walked back and guess what?! My phone hadn’t been touched. At home-it would have been gone.

[2 side notes] 1. I am overly cautious because of my brothers, which is ironic because they are so protective of me. Before I could get out of my bed…(crib days I’m talking) I remember hearing a knock on my window, looking up and seeing a WEREWOLF. The shrill scream of my voice sent my mama in running. My brother had already disappeared-making it look like I was only throwing an overly dramatic fit. Overly cautious from incidents such as this-overly cautious from watching Freddy Kruger before I learned to write my name. 2^nd I have sent a mass amount of letters out about three weeks ago. I’m going to be devastated if they don’t make it to Spokane/Texas. I hope they accidentally went SEA MAIL-and will appear this week. I sent my friends Kristy and Terry a letter my FIRST week in Japan…that still hasn’t arrived. I may need to start tracking what I send…especially when I am sending such a large amount of letters at once.

When riding in a vehicle, I still walk to the (US passenger side) right front door which is the drivers side here. Watching a movie where people are driving on the left side-I feel naked…it doesn’t look or feel right. I’m adjusting to car life here.

I’m cooking. This week I might turn my gas on so I can use the stove. Kind of want to see how long I can go without it…but I could probably go my entire stay in Japan. (HAH)

Anything I cook is done by microwave/microwave oven. What I’m “cooking” is: rice, canned tuna/chicken, quesadillas and waffles (I should have smuggled some Ego’s/Pace salsa back from Okinawa). Cooking is an invaluable skill and I have yet to acquire it. Yuko did teach me to make fried rice but that requires a stove and so you can see why I’m not making that at this point in time.

Snacks do not include fruit. Fruit is in its own category. (I think apples are a snack).

Brothers/sisters and children/parents do not talk daily, sometimes not even frequently (few times a year). I always tell people-call your family. It’s important and at the very least it will make them smile.

Moko, the darling who wrote the speech Actions Speak Louder Than Words made it to the NEXT ROUND! That means we will be going to Tokyo to support that lovely, most brave girl. I knew she would make it-PROUD OF YOU SISTER.

I’ve been waking up before my alarm. I just started season three of Prison Break. My ability to tell the age of a person is completely skewed now. I blame it on the FACT that people look on average, about 10 years younger than they are. I thought the guy in Prison Break was my age…he’s 47. I cannot tell the difference between 20’s and 40’s.

I will start working out this week. My transit to school will now take about 25 minutes by bicycle, I guess that could be considered my work out. I’d like to start running again. After all, it is good for the heart, brain and body. We are crazy not to do things that are good for all three of those.

I’ve encountered extreme kindness and friendliness. However, I do remember that there are rotten people. There are less unpleasant people in Japan-but they do exist. I’ve encountered a few.

I was thinking about a “best kept secret” on my walk home today. You know what-I think I grew up the moment I realized that nothing is better kept as a secret. I was thinking of when this would be appropriate. I thought…maybe when you discover a delicious new mixture of food, an easier way to do your hair, the quickest way to defrost your windows…but when you find something great-you should tell the world because then other people will have something great too. To keep something to yourself that could benefit others is selfish-the dirty kind of selfish. To do things for yourself, that’s the kind of selfish people should strive to be. We have one chance to live out whatever it is that our heart desires. When I see people who aren’t doing that it crushes me. All people deserve to be happy and luckily we each have the key to our own happiness. People. People are never meant to be a secret. That will destroy a person quicker than the person who holds the secret. People cannot shine when they are kept in the dark. We are meant to shine.

Halloween is sneaking up. Curious to see what will be done here. PRAYERS: Mama has surgery a week or so before Halloween-this year she won’t hand out candy. We have a tradition of eating chili and cinnamon rolls on Halloween. I hope that someone makes it for you this year Mom.

Alright. Finishing an episode and headed to bed.

More adventures to come.

illie

October 15, 2018