Just be

Category: overdose

Walkin’ on Sunshine ☀️

Found a note that I started on my computer during my flight home!

December 19th, 2021:

Watching the sunrise above the clouds with the stars still sparkling. When these two meet, magic happens. The sun is rising while the moon is setting, the stars are shining while the clouds are changing colors, welcoming the new day. Like a birthday party for a brand new day!

My first international flight in 3 years. The excitement, adventure and opportunities that this trip will bring are as great as the opportunity of a new day. Infinite.

My covid experience was not knowing if I would hug my parents again.

In 2 hours I hit ground in Seattle, Washington.

My trip started off in a new way. A great family, dear friends, brought me to the airport, parked and walked me in. They saw me off and boy did it feel like the sunrise meeting the moon set. Calm, peaceful and pure. To start my trip in such a way, I know that I have some great days ahead.

Familyships

How could they not be, after all?

… Back to present day:

Last year, 2021, I was on a night dive, under water to bring in the the new year. 2021 consisted of 50+ dives around Japan, which is a lot for a girl who had never been under ocean water before. This year, 2022, I was on my way back to Japan, over the clouds. When I was younger I always heard *How you bring in the new year is how you spend the year. While I don’t put all my eggs in that basket, I know this year will be exciting and it is starting off with my head above the clouds.

February:

March! My favorite month. February was one for the books this year and I know March will be the same.

I went to visit the place I use to be from…My first home away from home. Nishinomiya, Hyogo was a lot of firsts for me…I’d never left America and only visited a handful of states before getting my passport at 28 and moving here. I turned in my car keys, packed 3 suitcases and got a one way ticket to Japan for what I thought would be two years MAX. Here I am three and a half years later. My first: foreign country, train ride, chopstick use, sushi, raw fish, public bath, taxi ride and the gathering of my fragmented soul. It was also my first starting from the ground up building: familyships, friendships, a new language and career. It was my first time without: a car, an animal, gatorade, hot tamales, starbursts, pralines and cream ice cream…

Living a life I never dreamed of, MAGIC.

I am often smiling when I get on my bike because I am 31 years old, in a foreign country that I call home, RIDING my bike to the train station to go on a little adventure. COME ON now, does it get better than this?!

I learned a more about living the past 3.5 years than I could have in a lifetime- if I didn’t take this opportunity. I feel that I have navigated and become better from each experience. I have learned about a new culture. The things I thought I would never understand are now normal. I think that is how I knew it was time to move on to the next adventure.

This feeling is one I am familiar with…I’m not scared of where I’m going, I am lucky to have a life full of love to leave. Hard goodbyes are the best because where a difficult goodbye exists, love lives. Anywhere love lives, count me in.

Most days I feel like I am walking on sunshine, sliding down rainbows. It is like I have these HAPPY glasses that I wear around. I find happiness in everything. Some may think I don’t see the realness in life but really, I find happy in that too. The other day my hands were so cold I could have broken my fingers off. I laughed. Stubbing my toe, hilarious. The hard stuff too, I may not always find happiness in it because let’s be real…there isn’t happiness in hurting someone you care about, a broken heart, the loss of a friend or the disappointment of a letdown. I do always recognize that the set back, is the set up. The cards are stacked in my favor and regardless of what it is, I will grow and become better, braver, stronger and wiser.

Smile, it makes a difference. Laugh, it changes your life.

Spring is here. Cherry blossoms are beginning. I use to feel restlessness in Spring. Now I feel hope, wonder and magic because I am at home with myself. What a wonderful place to be.

I am 15 months hangover free and 30 pounds lighter. I was thinking this morning while getting ready for work, I have been living alone for 4 years, single for 5+. Sneaking up on 32 years old, I thought I would possibly be married by now and absolutely have children. Like I said…I am living a life that wasn’t even in my wildest dreams and it turns out, it’s perfect for me.

There is always time to begin again.

Love more, the world needs it.

All the love and all the power.

illies

Rachel

March 7, 2022
Happy, Healthy, Safe and Free 愛　
私はレイちゃんです。

私はひまわりが好きです 。

Do you know I prefer to go by RayChan

レイちゃん

Instead of RachelSan

レイチェルさん

Sounds more like LayChan. Chan ちゃんhere is used for children. San さんis used for adults. Of course I prefer Chan. It’s only natural. I even got it on my new dentist card after insisting it was what I like to be called and convincing the staff to put it on 🙂

Happy OCTOBER! 10 月

OCTOBER?! What in the world. The past month has been adventure filled and fun packed. I’ve been to one Oktoberfest (in September…I’ll never understand that). I’ve been to the dentist 歯医者…three times and I’ve spent more than 24 hours in bed on several occasions. My friend, Pamela, and I went to 鳥取　Tottori, Japan. This has been on my to do list for the past few months. We got to swim in the Japan sea and see Sand Dunes in JAPAN! Thanks Pam-for helping me get out and about and check things off my list that I’ve been wanting to do. What I love most about our adventures, is the amount of time we spend laughing. Appreciate you.

I rode my bicycle to Costco which was an hour+ ride. I did it mostly for the hotdog.

A beautiful woman made her debut in Heaven and I’ve been keeping busy since.

We had sports day, which I wrote about a YEAR AGO!! The entire school participates in an entire day filled with sports. It is an incredible sight to see. This year I understood what was happening, so it was more exciting, fun and meaningful than last year. Last year I couldn’t wrap my mind around what was happening it was so foreign and new to me.

I spent a day walking around Kobe by myself. I went there to go shopping and didn’t buy a thing…not even a coffee or lunch.

jr駅September 29^th, I did an old rail road hike with some wonderful friends. My favorite days are the ones I get to spend finding bugs/creatures with friends and their children.

I’m going to be traveling to my THIRD country in a few days!! Isn’t that something. 29 years old and just now going to the 2^nd country outside of my own. Taipei, Taiwan! I’m excited.

I’ve got a stomach bug right now which I am trying my best to pass before the flight on Thursday! It will be gone by tomorrow because I’m going to Taipei, WOOOHOOO.

学校　I start a new school next week. Once again,

I’m not afraid of where I’m going…I’m just sad about what I’m leaving.

Every school here has become a special place in my heart. I’ve grown close with students and staff and it will be hard to leave. I hate leaving…But I love arriving.

Life…生活

It’s a weird one.

I’ve fallen off the wagon a bit on taking care of myself. I’m going to get back on though and get back to it.

10/16/2019 Back from Taiwan, my last day at my current school is tomorrow and I’ve had a battle with a stomach bug, Aleve and been thinking about my next (possibly last) 9 months in Japan.

For starters, 5 days in Taiwan was enough me. I got to see some beautiful views, try new foods and explore a city (mostly by foot). We spent an entire day including the FOREVER LONG commute, in Jioufen. This is a famous destination location, mostly for people who have seen the movie Spirited Away, which I have not.

I enjoyed walking through the alley’s and seeing the treasure shops. We got to the bus stop around 11:00am where several people were waiting. Bus 1062. Don’t think I’ll ever forget that number. We were all excited and ready for this great hour adventure to a beautiful and infamous place…

The bus passed us. We laughed. As we generally do. 笑い　Then some foreigners from Shanghai who were doing the same thing as us…luckily let us tag along with them to the main bus stop. The line for the bus…I can only describe with time. It would have taken at least 3 hours to get on the bus and take a 2-hour ride with traffic. We split a cap with 4 other people and took a two-hour cab ride. I’m spending time writing about this because it was memorable for me and hilarious. I got car sick…the roads are bigger than Japan but the number of mopeds is NUTS. The amount of people that ride on one moped was a huge surprise for me. We decided to head home after a couple hours…we waited in line for a bus at least an hour…and proceeded on a three-hour journey back to town…

My world is expanding. Everywhere I go I see and learn so many new things.

Mopeds, wandering dogs and cats, people, smelly foods and treasures. The money took me a bit to figure out. I say that like I figured it out…I just multiplied the price by 3 to get an approximate amount of what the item would be in USD. Spending a 100-dollar bill there was like spending three US dollars. In Japan a one-dollar bill is like a 100-yen coin. The money is MUCH easier to convert in Japan.

10/18/19

Yesterday, I finished at my 3^rd school. It was a hard one to leave for me. Each school I leave, I think…it can’t get harder than this. But each school…it gets harder.

10/25/19 I have been at my new school for a week. Once again, students are brave. This school is much smaller than the other schools I have been at. There are about 34 students in each class. The schools before have always had 40 or so students.

おやすみねさいThe past two nights I’ve been sleeping by 9:30. My new commute is about an hour door to door. I take the bus with high school students in the morning. By the time all the students get on, the bus is so full you almost don’t have to hold on. The buses here are all MANUAL. I think that is the coolest.

I have to start planning at least one trip a month. A trip where I go stay somewhere over night. Last year I started going somewhere each weekend. I hope to get back to that.

誕生日おめでとう

My brother turned 38 yesterday! Happy birthday Tom. I always say, I wonder why so many people “grow up” and I never did. When I say grow up…I mean grow old. People stop looking for bugs, wild animals, exploring nature, laughing at little things and appreciating the small stuff. I love that I never lost that. Yesterday I realized…you never lost that sparkle either. I don’t know how I never saw this similarity between us. We love armadillo hunting, looking for animals, buying bug spray and…you know…

こどもIf a 6-10 year old would enjoy it…we would enjoy it too. I LOVE THIS. I love being like you. I’ve looked up to you since I can remember. You were my first hero. I love you TB. Happy birthday to you.

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I’ve been teaching the art of hugs. Many people give hugs where they give your back a half ass pat…those hugs make me think of insincere actions. I know that is not what people mean by them but I have been showing people how I like to embrace.

Embrace. 擁する

I’m going to a Halloween party tonight. I sure miss the spark that Halloween carries with it. Most kids here haven’t been trick or treating. When I explain it to them and make the “ding dong” sound for the doorbell, we all giggle. Here the sound for a doorbell is “pin pon”. Love it!

The Halloween party was SO FUN! I played games with children as young as 2 and up to university students. I am excited to join in on more of their games.

Guess what? It’s now November 5, 2019. That means a few things.

11月
1. My best friends’ birthday is in 20 days and my other best friends/moms birthday is in a month and 21 days! 勇敢なThanksgiving and Christmas will come and go here in Japan, nearly unacknowledged with the preparation of new year’s, starting.
2. I’m headed to Tokyo in a few weeks!
3. A friend is coming to visit from America, next week!
4. I made my first bag. It was about a half hour project. Took me 3+ hours. Hah.
5. I tried puffer fish. Poisonous fish that you must have a permit to prepare because if it is prepared wrong, it is fatal. I will never try it again. It melts in your mouth. The only thing I want melting in my mouth is pralines and cream, ice cream.
Ok, let me dig back in my calendar to see what I want to get down, so that I never forget.

I stargazed in Sasayama. The stars never let me down.

I made a new friend. 友だち

I have watched three Storks basketball games this season!

I watched the chorus contest for the second year. It was AMAZING. It blows my mind that students here learn how to sing and draw. I always wanted to feel the music. My mom was a music teacher and a flute player. She felt the music. I wanted to be like her but I just never felt the music other than the lyrics. I finally felt the music. 音楽

I watched Yuko’s son play basketball. バスケットボール

Sports day is next week. Wahoo!

I’m going to get to Kyoto to see the fall leaves changing.

冬　I got my winter clothing out. It was 55 degrees last night and it felt like FREEZING. When Spokane gets the first 55 degree day its like paradise. I guess I’m acclimated to Japan weather now.

本　I’m about finished with the book The Power of your Subconscious Mind. I’m learning the power of our thoughts and how we are what we think.

I always tell my students…if you think you can or can’t, you’re right. I think Henry Ford spoke the original quote. I spend a reasonable amount of time teaching this lesson to students…I knew it to be true but now I can see the extent of this truth.

考える　I realized at some point…the things I think usually manifest into reality. I’m learning to use that to my advantage to help me improve my life.

I’ve been thinking about what people are doing in life. If we are not making the world a better place…what exactly are we doing?

If somebody is not contributing positively to our life…why include them in it?

(Reading back through my blog…it’s interesting that I was thinking about this only in terms of people…you’ll see why).

戦い

I try my best to be good. A good person. Friend 友だち。Daughter娘. Sister 妹. I try to be better than the person I was yesterday.

It is normal to be happy and healthy. It’s not normal to be sick and unstable.

We come into this world for the most part, in perfect health, because that’s what is normal for a person and their body. Our bodies can heal themselves, but our thoughts get in the way of that.

My hair is growing. I can’t believe that I consider it LONG now! Sometimes I mohawk it or do a little combover. HAH. I have to do something with it everyday now or it is just a floppy fuzz puff. I found a sparkle or two growing in. Thought I might as well keep them. Never to young to sport a strand of glitter.白髪

Happy, healthy, beautiful, free.

The only way to get out of darkness, is with light.

To anyone in the darkest place of all.

世話をする

At what point did I start feeling sorry for you and start being afraid of you? At what point did I begin to see clearly? When was it exactly, that I knew I couldn’t heal your hurts with my love? With any amount of love…

Nobody wants to be filled with hurt. Nobody wants to feel anger take over their body…

I used to think…You choose to feed the monster within you…However, when you become so deep in addiction, you don’t make the choice to do the drug. It is like you locked yourself in jail and now you can’t figure out how to get out (how to stop). Of course, you don’t want to be there. But that “thing” is a part of your survival and you don’t just think it…you believe it.

No one wants to be an addict. But sometimes you are and when you don’t want to be anymore…you get up off the ground and build your life back up. You look for resources. They are out there. You look for the key to the cell and you let yourself out. The key is right there, in your back pocket.

Being in a dark place doesn’t make your self-worth go down. It doesn’t change others love for you even though maybe it should.

At what point will you realize you are killing the people that love you.

Why do people hurt those that are closest to them? Well I guess it’s because that’s the people that are still THERE. It’s the only people you really can hurt, those who have yet to leave.

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Speaking of beating dark with light…

I always wondered how I kept my “sparkle” …輝く

You know, my joy for catching bugs, looking for wild creatures, bubbles, rainbows and laughing. I cannot believe I EVER wondered that. Sometimes when I’m asked my hobby…I say, if an 8-year-old would enjoy it, I enjoy it. 心の子供

兄さん　My brother, who just turned 38…his wife got him a toy for his birthday. The package said 8+ years old. It was the perfect gift. When she sent me the picture of it, she said she got him what she would get any overgrown 10-year-old…or something of that sort. At that time, I realized, this is US!

遺伝子

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Maybe it’s a gene. My other brother, he is like that too. We love going outside after a rainfall and looking for worms, playing games together and laughing so hard at jokes that kids would laugh at.

That’s what we do.

I didn’t just keep my sparkle…it’s a trait that runs in the family. I think this is the greatest trait a person could ever have. You know there are good things that “run in the family” too.

家族

母と父　ありがとうございます

I just finished a week of meditations about self-esteem. I thought about what factors contribute to a person’s self-esteem and what particularly have contributed to mine. You see, your self-esteem is almost solely created before you have the choice to make up your mind about yourself. The biggest benefactor is the people who raise you, for me, my parents. Not everyone has the same support that I had as a child…and those people have to work at changing their thought patterns and challenge the negative things that have been pounded into their head their entire life.

I’m working on being present. It is easy for me to think about the future…and be filled with instant anxiety and worry.

不安　The future is not happening now. Pull it together, this is NOW. Day by day.

One of my favorite quotes that I’ve recently been reminded of is “Let go and let God”.

手放す

Let go. Let go. Let go. Sometimes the hardest thing and the best thing you can do are the same. At this point for me, the hardest thing and the right thing for me, is walking away. Removing myself from everything I’ve ever known and figuring out who I really am aside from a sister, daughter, friend, and Binger. The person that I will be when all else around me falls to an end. The person I will be when I’m standing alone. 一人で　The one thing I’ve never separated myself from before. The one thing I thought I’d never have to separate myself from.

Setting fire to yesterday -Eminem

NOVEMBER?! At that, the END of November?! Happy almost Thanksgiving.

[I have to go back to this idea of addiction.] 開発する

I thought alcoholism was something you were born with. You have it or you don’t. While that can be true, it isn’t always the case. Alcohol is addictive. The more you drink the more likely you are to become addicted. DUH. Why is that never talked about? Why do we learn about drugs and the danger of doing them, even once? ONE TIME. Why are we conditioned to fear illegal drugs…but if you choose not to drink, it means you are “recovering” or you are questioned about why you DON’T drink.

酒

I have friends that do not drink. When they tell me they don’t drink…my response has always been, “Wow, you are SMART”. I’ve always thought the choice not to drink is the best choice.

The past few years before Japan, I chose not to drink. I didn’t have the time to spend an entire day in bed the next day. I didn’t want to have to worry about how I would get home or where to leave my car. Most of all, if somebody needed me, somebody was drinking themselves, I wanted to be available to “save” them at any given moment.

When I got to Japan…I had the time to spend in bed. I don’t have a vehicle to drive and in case of an emergency, there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m across the globe.

I would call other people smart. I knew I could be smart like them…BUT going out on weekends and having a few drinks was fun for me. While I consider you smart for NOT drinking, I’d be ordering my next ビール.

I don’t like the taste. I never have.

I make stupid choices when drinking. You know why? Part of my brain SHUTS down. What in the hell.

Why I drink:

Alcohol loosens me up…

The reality: The more I drink the less functional my brain becomes. The less brain function, the stupider the choices. Yep, I can do things I wouldn’t typically do because I’ve shut down the rational part of my brain. I wouldn’t typically do it because IT IS STUPID.

If I wouldn’t usually do it, there is a reason for it. It’s probably not healthy or safe for me.

I can be social:

I can go out and be around people that I don’t know and I’ll never see again.

Reality: I can be out for a few hours with people I don’t care about and will never see again…in exchange for an entire day in bed.

Drinking makes me happy.

Reality: Yeah, okay Rachel.

You know what makes me happy? Kids. Armadillo hunting. A good cheeseburger. New experiences. Nature. Pralines and cream. Letters. Animals. Surprises and learning new things. Those are just a few things that make me genuinely happy. I wouldn’t even put drinking on my list of happies, EVER.

As I’m learning about alcohol and what it does to your brain, it supports the reality of all the reasons I thought I was drinking.

This Naked Mind- Annie Grace. If you want to control alcohol (instead of the other way around) or just be informed more…I highly suggest this. A friend suggested it to me. I think this may be the greatest gift you could give a friend. It is good knowledge to have. I don’t consider myself a person with a “problem”. I see how I went from alcohol free, to rarely drinking, to regular weekly drinking. I can see how my occasional drinking moved to more frequent binge drinking and how that could turn into a problem rather quickly.

Things I have always known to be true:

Alcohol is a dangerous monster. It ruins lives.

Alcohol doesn’t make anything better.

Alcohol takes more from me than it gives me. (Funny, if someone is not contributing to your life…why keep them in it…) If anything in life isn’t contributing good, Get. It. Out.

Things I’ve learned: Alcohol isn’t talked about as a “drug”. It’s not in the same class as heroine or meth. But why isn’t it? It kills as many people. It devastates as many families if not more. I was reading some statistics from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism…Alcohol is the third leading PREVENTABLE cause of death in the United States. If you are reading this…you probably know somebody who alcohol has stolen from you. They might still be alive…but the person you know and love, that person isn’t. 88,000 people die a year from alcohol related deaths. Tobacco use and poor diet come before alcohol. In 2010, TWO THOUSAND TEN, a study was released by a group of scientists, that rated alcohol as the most harmful drug. More than 2x more harmful than cocaine or tobacco.

怖い

Do you know why I’ve never done cocaine? I’m too scared. But I wasn’t too scared to open my first beer.

I should have been.

Why isn’t beer illegal?

I was never taught these things. I’m now looking for the research and the studies… and they are out there. The statistics aren’t out in the open for everyone to see. Not like the billboards in Montana that advertise the negative effects of meth and the lives it shatters.

Alcohol is an addictive substance. No if and or but’s about it. If you drink for long enough…you will be addicted.

Not everybody develops an addiction. The more you drink the more likely you will become addicted.

Many people suffer from alcohol use disorders but the thought that this could be them hasn’t occurred to them.

I am so proud of myself for never settling. For continuing to grow and find my happiness within myself. Settling would be staying in a relationship where I give more than the other. Anything in life where I am putting more time and energy into it than what I am getting in return.

Why is it okay to have that relationship with alcohol? Why was it so easy for me to give alcohol my Friday nights in exchange for my entire Saturday?! Why could I give alcohol my clear decision making in exchange for regret and shame. Stupid. Just stupid. I gave alcohol too much and it has given me, literally, nothing. I have given to it and it has taken from me.

成長

Finished. Done. This is not to say that I’ll never have another drink. I’m taking some time to evaluate my relationship with alcohol and I am happy that I am. This also isn’t to say anything about somebody else’s drinking. I’m sharing where I am at in my life.

秋

I spent a day in Kyoto. It was wonderful. I found an artist that I love and I followed her to an art show the following weekend in Ashiya. I will go to one in Osaka in December. When I find things that I love…I really love them.

She does wood burning. Mina_co is what she goes by! I have sent many gifts out that are her work. I have gotten myself some treasures from her too.

11/13 BBQ dinner in Osaka 🙂

11/16 I went to the cup of noodle museum! I got to make my own cup of noodles and later we took a class where we made our own NOODLES!!

友だち

池田

When we got there, we got the cups-and we designed them 🙂

After, we got to choose what we put in. (I ate mine last night and it was the BEST)

It was a wonderful day.

I met another new friend. Her name is the same as mine.

趣味

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レイチェルRachel taught me a new craft…resin. So…new hobby means new obsession. This craft might be the one I enjoy most. I’m excited to do more with it. It’s funny…Rachel and I have a lot in common. When we get to crafting, we craft hard and we love animals. So happy to have met you, my friend.

It was really nice to have you girls here. I enjoyed laughing with you and getting to see new places. Most of all I enjoyed getting to know you more. Thank you for being you. ありがとう。

新幹線　I head to Tokyo in 2 days! YAY for adventures with Ayano!

This will be my first thanksgiving outside of the USA. Some very important birthdays have happened this month and are coming soon! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY NOVEMBER friends. Love you dearly. 愛

I have to get a quick little plug out there to some people that I appreciate so very much in my life. Office staff. No matter what school I’ve been at…as a student or a teacher, I’ve always gotten along well with the office staff. I’ve created some of the greatest friendships in my life with the office staff. I’m so thankful for these wonderful people. At my new school…My friend made me these pressed flower cards to send out and a calendar for myself. I’m still adventuring with my friend from my previous school. AND I’m in contact with the wonderful women in Spokane too. The office staff…Love um, always. I appreciate your friendship and the job that you do. 秘書

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A few last odds and ends of photos.

楽しい enjoy 健康 health

安全　safety 愛 love 幸運 fortune 運 luck

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I’ve sent out a bulk amount of happy in the past week. As I was going through my address book I came across the names of friends who have moved, Liz who I have lost and relationships that have ended. Check your mail! I’ll be getting more out when I return from Tokyo.

Spread Sparkle. Be kind. Give mean people grace, they need it most.

Life changes, ready or not.

Happy Healthy Free

illie

36.204824
138.252924
November 22, 2019
Because I have changed

4/10/2019

Entrance ceremony was today. If you have never heard of or seen an entrance ceremony, you need to google it. The gym is decorated and parents, students and staff welcome new students (1^st graders). The band is playing, everybody claps for an extended period of time while the new class members walk in. There are flowers, music, clapping, and speeches to welcome the new students. I’ve never seen anything like it. The beginning and end of things are celebrated here-many ceremonies.

I’ve been going to the river each day after work to admire the cherry blossoms. I can’t get enough of the beauty and happiness of a single cherry blossom. I always say that babies bring people together. I find magic in a variety of things but especially in babies.

Children have the power to bring families together and put sparkle back in people that have lost it. There is joy, love and happiness that stems from the presence of children.

In Japan I see this exact magic in cherry blossoms.

There are people sitting below cherry blossoms in every direction. I hear laughter, camera shutters, cans opening and the running river. I see couples, families, friends and children all enjoying the company of one another. People are eating, drinking, playing games and people are genuinely, happy. I even see people like me, enjoying the beauty by themselves.

I feel magic. Sakura season brings people together.

There are these poles that I imagine are to keep cars of walking paths. They are about three feet tall. I have nearly walked into them while I’m looking up at the flower trees. (My dad has experience with these…I learned from his mistake.)

I’m headed to Wakayama this weekend. I’m excited to go back.

I went to Yuasa, Wakayama all of Saturday, stayed the night and headed home early on Sunday. Check out was at 10:00 AM and I started to feel an intense sick feeling around 9. I walked the beach in hopes that fresh air, crystals and shells would help whatever this feeling was, pass. I also wasn’t going to miss out on one last beach comb, even if I did feel miserable.

The train I planned on taking home was cancelled. HAH. Of course it was. My two hour journey…took six hours. At one point I was suppose to switch trains. I missed that opportunity and took an hour detour. Oops.

4/23/19

Next week is a holiday in Japan. Golden week. I heard before moving here how big of a deal golden week is. However, this year it is extra special. For the first time in 50 some years there will be 10 days off in a row! You know what that means.

Father will be here.

5/10/19

Hard to believe that Golden Week has already come and gone. I’ve been back at work for an entire week.

5/13/19

Quick flashback of April.

Cherry blossoms.

School party.

Nishinomiya Storks basketball game.

Old Spaghetti factory

chipped tooth

Chichi arrived

Treasure stores

Tigers game

May:

Osaka Aquarium

Nishinomiya Marina Celebration-new Emporer

Beach days at Suma

Shell collecting and crab hunting

Dentist x2

Little China Town

Nishinomiya beach-Kite flying and crab hunting

This day-my dad used his famous reverse psychology. “You can’t ride your bike through the sand.”

Tell me I can’t and I’ll show you I can.

Which I did…until the sand got too deep and I had this terrible, horrible, slow motion fall, into the sand. I was laughing too hard to get up and my bike was on top of me. My dad was watching from afar. After being on the ground laughing for a few minutes, a woman came and pulled my bike off of me. I was laughing from embarrassment and because falling off your bike is always funny, as long as you are okay. Then a group of children came and asked me if I was okay.

Children’s day

Dad left

I go to a Special Education school once a month. The teachers are some of the best I have ever seen. The way they care for the students and know each one is inspiring.

All sorts of new things at Mikura, in Kobe. I went to this amazing restaurant with my friend, Ayano. [When my bag didn’t make it to Japan, Ayano was the one who helped me at the airport-that is when our friendship began.] We went to her parents restaurant where I tried food I never thought I’d EVER eat.

I started by trying those tiny little [whole] squids and the fish with the skin. There was clam, squid, octopus, tuna and many more finely prepared fish. It was displayed beautifully and prepared by Ayano’s family. Her parents are the owners of this fabulous place. The tempura was the best I have ever had. Maybe, the best food I have ever had.

When I experience new things like this-I feel like a child. I am surprised and in awe. My facial expressions and the sounds I make, are a show for people to watch. Which I don’t mind…I love when I see a children experiencing something for the first time. I’d enjoy watching me too, where the same joy, surprise and happiness that is displayed by a five year old can be observed in a 29 year old who is just seeing a new world, for the first time.

Sei Tai-massage, muscle stretching, chiropractic work. AMAZING.

Out and about. Met new friends and a furry one 🙂

And this brings us to present day. Mother’s Day in the USA.

I know many wonderful mothers. Grandmothers who are mothers for the second time ‘round. People who care for children that may not call them, mom. I celebrate many people today, but most of all, my own Mama.

Mom’s are so busy with life and children that it seems like it would be easy to forget:

you have a little human who wants to be just like you.

I remember having the thought when I was younger-how can we all call an amazing, caring, loving, woman by the same name? How can every single mother, be called mom?? How can I call my mom by the same name everybody else uses for their mom?!

I thought that each mom should have a name that is special to her, because each mom is special.

But it isn’t the name that is special. It is the woman behind the name.

Some people don’t associate the word mom with love, sunshine, happiness, flowers, support, animals, and joy-like I do. When I say I want to be a mother-I don’t mean I simply want a child.

I want to be that deep rooted starshine for a child. I want to be my mom, for my own. My mom brings sunshine to not only my life, but all who know her. I have the pleasure of saying, “I’m just like my mom, we love everything and anything makes us happy”. I can only hope that one day I have a child who loves me as much as I love my mama. My mom would read to me until I fell asleep. She would get me my favorite popsicles when I was sick. When I need to know how to cook chicken [or anything] I still call her. When I don’t know what to eat for dinner, I call my mom and she decides.

We laugh. My mom refills my heart. I miss you mama and I wait for your time in Japan.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mama.

I’m missing my favorite time of year in Spokane. I love when the grass is greener than ever and all that was sleeping during the cold is coming back to life. I’m already dripping sweat here.

I have a daily battle with my hair. I like to have it up high so it’s off my neck-but when it is up high I can’t wear my ball cap. [Therefore, they made visors.] However, I have not yet brought myself to get one. I guess I’ll do that this week. The thought of shaving my head has also crossed my mind a dozen times, but I’m too scared to just do it.

I’ve began to experience a different kind of joy, love and life that is new to me.

The more I love life and myself, the more life loves me back.

My thoughts shape my days. I’ve always been a positive person, maybe more so on the outside. Now I radiate happy because I’m positive on the inside. I guess my way of thinking has changed which is changing me.

This reminds me. My dad’s first visit here, we were talking with somebody about my first month here. I was explaining how people never smiled at me or said hello. They told me, “just wait, in a few months everybody will be saying hello and talking to you”. I thought…Hmmh, maybe they just have to see me around the neighborhood enough and be comfortable with me before the conversations begin.

9 months later, I don’t go out the door without seeing a student or saying hello to somebody. I told my dad this and he saw it when he was here. We thought of what the man had said about everybody saying hello in a few months.

My dad said something along the lines of,

“I don’t think it’s because the people here changed, I think it’s because you changed”

Holy goodness. How powerful is that?

Because I’ve changed.

Yesterday, I went to my favorite Ramen Shop. Really just my favorite place in Japan. There was one seat open, in between two strangers. 10 months ago, I would have left. Yesterday, I squeezed right up in there without hesitating.

As I sat there, I thought…this is where it all began.

My first day in Japan. Rai Rai Tei is where it all started.

My change.

My love for Shirohige and Onepiece.

My appreciation for unspoken communications.

My love for Japan and myself.

Yesterday when I sat down, the employee pointed to what I always get and I said, “yes”. This is the majority of our communication. Yet, I love these people, the restaurant and I am comfortable here. We have never communicated in one another’s language, but we communicate. I look forward to seeing the staff and I feel welcome. I enjoy everything about this place and I go at least once a week. This is a special place for me. This new happiness, it began, there.

There are so many point cards used in Japan. I am a proud card holder for two craft stores and a mall.

The super nintendo is different for foreigners. The one they use here looks different.

Mother’s Day is not as big of a deal as it is in the USA.

Students are having a trial week. They are all out at different jobs, seeing what it is like for a week, in a work place!!

I am going to be helping some elementary students learn English a few times a month.

For the amount of time I have spent studying Japanese, you would expect me to be fluent. I’m uh…beginner level. Japanese is DIFFICULT.

I use a calendar now.

I’ve stayed up a few times until the sun comes up-who knew I was such a youngster still. I didn’t know I had that in me.

I stopped using my heat about a month ago. I started leaving my windows open…Now I think it is going to stay cooler if I keep everything shut!

Students here have 220 days of school, compared to our 180.

Students have club activity on weekends, which means teachers do too. One day off a week (maybe) for most teachers.

When I get home, I take my shoes off without thinking about it.

Chopsticks are easier to use for some foods-like noodles.

Most students are seeing green eyes for the first time, when they see mine. My skin is finally starting to clear!! YAY!

I’m in need of some new shorts now that summer is arriving. Even in the USA I hate shopping for shorts/janes. Finding a good fit is rare. Here, I have not had the energy to look, yet. However, the rising temperatures will force me to, soon.

illie

May 13, 2019
Beverly Hills, 90210

Time…the only thing that never stops.

A flyer was hanging in the staff room where I was teaching third grade. That was 2.5 years ago when I applied to be an ALT in Japan. The first year, I did not get the job. I was devastated. January came around, 2018 and I thought…I’m going to try one more time. I applied and interviewed for the same position. February 4th of last year I received the call that I was chosen for this job. 13 months ago (almost to the day) the excitement began.

[13 months later-current day 日本]

People don’t say “Happy Valentine’s Day” here. My dad and I went out for sushi. It was his first time EVER having sushi…he loved it. I couldn’t figure out how to order what I wanted. I asked for help (which I would have never done before) so I know I’m getting braver. Much like Christmas, Valentine’s day felt like just a regular day here. I always liked Valentine’s day-not because it’s all about romantic love but because it is about spreading love. I celebrate Valentine’s day with my students in America. We all make Valentine’s for each other.

I remember being a kid, excited to pick out a special Valentine for each person. In the Valentine boxes you would get a few Valentines that were clearly messages for the person you found cute, the teacher and your best friend. I wonder if I was the only person who put special thought into who got what Valentine-at such a young age?

My dad has already been gone 2 (almost 3) weeks. I had an incredible time. I enjoy when he is here because it forces me to get out and explore. Sometimes, I prefer sleeping all day and not changing out of my pajamas. I hate to do that when I am in Japan…when my dad is here I know there will never be a day spent at home in pajamas. I like that.

We spent at least one week trying to find a place we had been…a crazy busy place with lights, people, shops and barely enough space to cross the road comfortably. After going to Osaka for the 3rd time trying to find this exact street…I remembered we had to take a subway to get to this secret location. Okay, it’s not a secret. It is Namba. A place more packed than I have ever been. This ended up being a BIG day for us. Maybe too big…We were out and biking or walking for at least 12 hours and by the time we got we were BEAT, hurting and unable to move. The next day my dad departed and it took him nearly 24 hours to get back home. Me, I went to bed at 7pm.

I’m trying to find the motivation myself, to get out and explore on weekends even without somebody here to explore with. I hate the feeling like I am wasting time and missing out on new experiences when I stay home for an entire weekend. This weekend I NEEDED to stay home to have a leak fixed in my apartment. Sunday, I did get out and go spend a day at the zoo. I had that happysad feeling while I was there.

That has never been a feeling I get at the zoo but I have never been to the zoo alone. I spent a lot of time watching each of my favorite animals. Some seemed happy as ever and others seemed lonely. I saw emotions in animals that I feel myself.

Animals are too good for people, but we need animals. I have loved animals since I was a young child. I’m thinking about my dogs right now. Dogs are the only friends/family that never let us down. They are the only living beings that will be excited to see you each and every time you come home, whether it has been 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 years. Thinking about the bond people create with dogs is incredible. The bond dogs create with people is incredible. I got my first very own dog, Sawyer, after we lost our greatest family member of all, Winnie.

She was the best dog I’ll ever know. I got Sawyer and my mom got Barkley, the cutest brothers of all. When Sawyer was a puppy he was goofy, playful, the best snuggler and (still is) my biggest love. Barkely, he’s a lover, napper, jacket loving sweetheart, with the best smile. Our first dog that has ever, SMILED!

When Sawyer was/is sick, I felt/feel sick. When I was sad, Sawyer was sad. when I was happy, Sawyer was happy. When Sawyer was hurt, my heart hurt. If Sawyer doesn’t like somebody…chances are I won’t either.

It is beyond words to describe the relationship that a human can make with a canine.

In Twilight, the Vampires-they choose one. What do they call it, imprinting? It’s like a dog chooses one human to love and protect for all of their existence.

It’s like my dog is here to do this hardest thing in the world…love me unconditionally, every day, for his entire life.

I miss people, hugs, driving, ketchup and ranch with my fries…but most of all, I miss my dogs.

The hardest part of being away from home, is being away from the dogs. I’ve said this several times. Mostly to myself. I was somewhat embarrassed of the statement. Then today I realized, why would I be embarrassed for loving my dogs unconditionally, the way that they love me?!

The hardest thing about missing animals is that there is no way to communicate with them. Over any technology, the voice is unrecognizable. I have no way to let them know that I didn’t leave them…I love them and I miss them. I’m ashamed that I was uncomfortable with saying out loud that most of all, I miss my pets.

If you have never felt the love and friendship of a dog and cannot understand my feelings, I’m sorry for you. Dogs are a miracle sent from above.

In a month, I will be moving to a new school. In a week, 9th grade students will be done with junior high. Preparing myself for the high possibility that I will cry at graduation. I remember listening to Vitamin C-graduation song after each graduation (6^th grade, 8^th grade, 12^th grade). Beginning with my first graduation in elementary school-I cried. Since I have been teaching, at the end of each school year, I cry. It’s the leaving part.

I’m not afraid of where I’m headed. I’m sad about what I’m leaving.

Transitions are happy, sad, scary, exciting and inevitable. I recognized this at a young age and I still feel the exact same about change.

I’m going to miss the students and staff here. Every six months, ALT’s switch schools. That means, a new bike ride, new staff, new students. HappySad.

Last week I send out 10+ letters. I’ve got a few post offices that I am a regular at. However, I FORGOT to stop on my way home on this day. I had to go to the main post office that is open late. While trying to send off my letters the employee was telling me no. Now, I understood what she was saying. No problem. However, I send mail out at least once a week and never had trouble before. I was sending my brother a bell. She said goods and letters/writing cannot be sent together. It ended up being more of a task than it should have been. I opened the perfectly sealed mail to show her the bell. There was a sticky note on the bell-which I had to take off in order to send the bell. So-since you won’t get the sticky note…here it is.

Do you know what one of my friends said to me the other day when I asked for their address to send a letter…Why don’t you send a text message? No, no no no. In my opinion these forms of communication are not comparable. I’d much rather put my time and love into something that will brighten your day and make you smile when you least expect it rather than a text message which we all get, daily. I believe in crazy, stupid, love and I believe in the magic of letters. I’ve been sending letters all around the USA and I sent one to England too! Making my way around. What I enjoy most about sending mail, is knowing that you got it…

My time alone has resulted in self-reflection.

I’m learning that not everything I think about myself, is true. I am looking back at where I was and how I ended up “me”.

This was sparked by a letter I wrote to my Lucy Lu. She is a friend I’ve had for 13 years now. I was thinking about when we first met, in high school. Holy goodness, life seemed hard at that time. Life was hard at that time. What I remember most about when we became friends, is the pain. At sixteen, I thought my life had to be the hardest life ever lived. Seems like an exaggeration and I wish it was, but I really did think my life was more difficult than most. At the time I had people who told me it would be okay, and this too shall pass. At the time, I didn’t know they were right.

THEN 18-20 years old

NOW

16 years old

28 years old

Sure, my problems were all due to my own actions, thoughts, and decisions but I didn’t know that. Being the cause of your own pain doesn’t make the pain hurt less. People told me that one day I would thank the man upstairs for the route my life took. Now, I understand. Had my life gone the way I wanted it to at that time…I never would have moved to Arizona, I wouldn’t be in Japan…and I wouldn’t have the heart, understanding and appreciation for other people that I do now. I think we become what we want to be, because of who were.

I was mean. Now, I would like to think I am one of the most genuinely kind people out there.

I hated. Now, I love deeply and freely. When you love, there is less pain, hurt and sadness.

I bullied. Now, I have no tolerance for it and I can help on both ends of the situation.

I lied. I’m as honest as can be.

Dignity? Now I do the right thing even when no one is looking.

There is a reason life doesn’t go the way we “want” it to.

One thing that hasn’t changed is my anxiety. I’m going to be intentional about trying to change my thoughts. Last week, my mom text me, “goodnight love you” and I responded with “Love you more”. Next message I got was, “No, not possible, I am in the hospital blood clots”. I was in the middle of a store, holding a ballcap that said “smile”. I dropped it as I read the message and said, “WHAT” loud enough for the whole store to hear me. I placed the hat back on the shelf and left the store to call my mama.

This is a prime example, where I might book a flight back home before even knowing what is happening. My mom had been there for the day and I had no idea. Nobody told me…Can you believe that?! (Joke..)

Ignorance is bliss.

I hate being uninformed, but I also hate being informed. I did a better job this time of controlling my panic and it helped that my mom waited until she knew what the problem was, to tell me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have made it out the door that day. It is hard for me to function in the mist of the unknown. Mama will be okay and is back home. POSITIVE thoughts.

I keep seeing the forecast in Spokane, SNOW, cold temps…and I’m here starting to drip sweat on bike rides.

Snow there…fake snow machine here.

Evening bike rides are a highlight of my day. It feels like the fall evenings in Spokane. It reminds me of being a child. It is the perfect temperature for playing hide in seek around the neighborhood in a t-shirt. The air has autumn like briskness in it. Or maybe it is more like the beginning of spring. Still a little winter coolness in the air, but the sunshine is bright and bringing nature back to life. I think that is my all-time favorite part of the year. After winter, when the squirrels start coming out to play, the birds chirping wakes you up and the flowers, OH-the flowers.

Seeing children outside playing baseball brings me joy. It reminds me of playing catch in the street out front of my parents’ house and the point game at hutton with the boys. My dad would hit baseballs and say how many points the catch was worth. Whoever caught the ball, got the points. Kind of like flies up, with points. I was just there to catch the occasional 100point sissy hit that was hit just for me. I’ve seen this played (rarely) since I was a child…but I was sure that was a game invented by the Binger’s.

My entire life I thought my family was the original owner of multiple sayings, mannerisms and customs. Now, when I see other people doing these things I discover that it is not a Binger Invention.

I got to go to Sasayama which is country side here in Japan! It was beautiful and incredible. I am looking forward to my next trip out there. I am craving stars and wild animals. I haven’t seen the stars since I moved here and I’m still on the prowl for some wild animals (with racoon dog and wild boar at the top of my list).

I ate duck and snail. A slug with a shell. Not my style but I had to try it (a second time).

No middle names here. Japanese have a first name and family name.

I stopped biting my nails.
I got my first haircut by myself. I didn’t realize how long my hair is…I cut enough off that it now feels short…even though it’s still longer than I use to keep it. About time for me to go super short.

Finally finished a quilt for my nephew. Made with love and made in JAPAN! [He got it today! YAY]

Happy March! My favorite month. Strange that the school year is coming to an end, IN MARCH. A student gave me the most thoughtful, heartwarming, gift that I have to share with the world. I let this student borrow a book, “HedgeHugs”. A book about hedgehogs who have to learn how to hug without hurting each other. She knows that I LOVE hedgehogs…and she made these most precious, cute, hedgehogs that I adore. She also made a “reasons why I love you book”. I’ve never received a gift so thoughtful or loving. I am so lucky to have this job.

Someone asked me last week…if I woke up with my dream job, what would it be…

My answer…I’m doing it. A teacher.

Gratitude.

Lastly-Rest Easy Luke Perry. Believe it or not-some of my most important life lessons came from this man in 90210. 90210 is another thing in life that has never let me down. It has supported me in happy times and in some of the worst. To my first heart throb.

illie

March 5, 2019
Waiting for Tragedy

January has come and gone with a quickness that most months do. Some days go slow, but the weeks go fast and the months disappear without notice.

I’ve spent (the shortest) 6 months of my life in Japan. This being said, 6 more months was not going to be long enough for me to accomplish all that I hope to. I am excited to say, I have 18 months left here in Japan! Someone asked me my new years resolution and I nearly laughed…I don’t exactly believe in NY resolutions. I think everyday is a new beginning. But this year, I want to explore and travel Japan.

I didn’t ride my bike for almost two weeks. When I got back on my bicycle for my ride to work…an 11 minute bike ride took me 20 minutes. By the end of the week I was able to get the ride down to 14 minutes… Lesson: Taking breaks from anything makes you weaker.

My sewing obsession has followed me to Japan. I have a newfound love for beads now too. My bead collection is bigger than it was when I was a child, making 100 bead long string necklaces…

Hello Happy

Some of my favorite things that have happened recently: I got some amazing Christmas cards from friends in the USA. I’ve been asking students questions about things I don’t understand in Japan. The answers I get are PERFECT.

Q: I don’t understand why nobody smiles at me on the train… A: Using the train is not funny. [Easy enough, I LOVE that answer.] Also, smiling on the train is an invitation to talk and most people find talking on the train to be torture.

Q: Why do the teachers move rooms, why don’t students? A: Teachers want a perfect body.

Q: I don’t know why students laugh at me… A: We are loving you. [This was a big misunderstanding. When I felt students were laughing at me, it hurt my feelings…but its more of a conversation opener and students showing affection.]

At my favorite Ramen shop, I am officially a regular. No longer need a menu, my order is known. I’ve always dreamed of being a regular somewhere, preferably not a bar. I’m ecstatic with my new badge of honor there. The people there talk to me quickly in Japanese. I can almost understand what they are saying but they must think I do. We are figured out how to communicate using different languages and I think it is incredible.

I wanted return to Judo this week. I am looking forward to learning/practicing Judo but the burns on my elbows are just now healed and I’m exhausted, lately. I hope to get back at it, soon.

Today, students played a Japanese card game. It was played by grade level. It took place in the gym and awards were presented after. It was awesome! In the states we do not have anything like this.

Silly things that I LOVE~! My dad always walks behind me and bumps the back of my knee. If he gets me good enough, I nearly fall to the ground. That is also a thing here in Japan!! I laughed when I did it to someone and they had a name for it and told me it was a common joke like move.

I taught friends that if you focus on the other persons elbow you will have the greatest high-five ever. Practiced that as well as the back of knee taps.

I ordered a bookshelf off of Amazon. When I received the bookshelf I could not help but laugh. I had to put it together but all of the instructions were in Japanese. Got the tools out and hammered that baby together! 🙂

I am amazed by the weather right now. It is late January and the beauty of the sun is blinding. When the clouds are not covering the sun it brings enough warmth making 30s and 40 degree weather feel like a hot stove just opened-warming you to the bones.

I’m starting to understand the process of how students move up into the next grade. It is mind-blowing. I’m taken so far back by the amount of work students have to do at such young ages. Maybe it is so shocking because all I knew before was my experience.

In my experience…you go to the school nearest your home. Elementary and then to your middle school and lastly high school. Public education was always free for me. I did have to pay to take the SATS and apply for college…

Students in Japan may start as young as 6th grade, applying for different schools. Students apply for public schools. Public schools are paid for by families. For example, right now I have helping a student prepare for her interview for the high school she dreams of going to. Each school has limited openings and you must have certain scores on tests and be ranked against the students at your school. Ranking of where you are at is extremely important for students here.

Students take a test which depends on the high school they want to attend. Students may be a multiple subject test with an oral interview in English and Japanese. This is to see if the school will accept the student into the public school. EVERY child has to do some variation of this process to ensure they go to high school. Student’s tell me they are always studying, but now I understand why. Schools here are also leveled by ability…

Pressure exists. As a foreigner I can see it and I can feel it and now I understand it. Students are going through a process similar to college applications, at the young age of 15. These students have to ace interviews that are similar to interviews I had to attempt in order to get a teaching job. I hope throughout my time here I can lessen the pressure for some students and help them acquire the skills they need to feel confident about their future.

When I look at these students, I see kids. Kids that should be playing hide and go seek, kick the can, riding bikes until dark…but the reality is that these students spend most of their time studying and especially now when the tests/interview exams are around the corner. Where I see children…others see young adults.

What I’ve been appreciating about Japan in addition to what I’ve already mentioned…

Students. Building relationships with students people in the community.

Teachers. I work with a great group of teachers.

The kotatsu I have-a Japanese heating table.

Sunshine-it is beautiful when the sun is shinning and that has been a lot! I saw someone (in JANUARY) with their top down in a convertible.

Flowers: Still blooming and growing IN WINTER.

Pen Pal letters!! My students here in Japan have gotten their letters back from America. I’m as excited as the kiddos.

Surprise (to me!)

High school entrance

How many words/phrases don’t translate

The green traffic light (go) is called BLUE here. Blue/green use to be interchangeable

Students are teaching me Kanji. COOL!

There are only dirt fields at Japan middle schools. No grass.

Really, no grass anywhere. I feel kind of weird when I see dogs using the street as their toilet. I don’t think my dog would know what to do if it has to use cement as his canvas.

Craft stores here nice. I can’t find rainbow thread though which is strange since rainbows are LOVED here. Fabric is expensive and good quality.

I never hear people sneeze? [Wait I just did hear it…but maybe I don’t notice because no one says bless you or acknowledges it. Since I have written this-I have heard LOTS of sneezed and I also have sneezed more?]

I love the Yamaha motorcycles that I see here. Classic. On the way home I saw one for about $ 1,300 and I’m tempted. If the driving pattern were the same as USA’s I wouldn’t think twice.

School lunch as been delicious.

I HAD THE BEST GYOZA. Gyoza=pot stickers. This time instead of pot sticker shape-it looked like a piece of friend chicken (drum stick). It was the BEST.

I’m either sweating or freezing at school. Sometimes the heat is on, sometimes all the windows are open. After riding my bike to work though, I’m always sweating…until it dries and I’m then frozen.

When I go to help a student they complete an entire sentence in Japanese and then I say, “Eigo” [eggo] (English) and we laugh. Students speak Japanese naturally and by accident and when I listen then say English-we always laugh. Even if I understand, I want them to try and communicate using English.

Flowers are a big deal here. There are tons of flower shops. We order flowers online in America. I don’t even know where a local flower shop is at home.

I’ve learned that communication is easy. You just have to be willing to try.

Japan is a pretty interesting place. I love it. I love the people, the culture, the students… I am glad to be here.

Processing…

Only continue if you can do so:

with

Grace and without judgement.

Current day-Phil and I

I think one of the greatest tragedies of the world is when children are forced to grow up. However, positive lessons are rarely taught in positive ways. We grow up when we are ready but now that I’m thinking about it, there is a situation, a time and a place where something happens that forces us to grow up. I feel for the children in the world who go through this at a time when their biggest worry should be how late they can ride their bike or if they get the best smelling scratch and sniff sticker. I remember when I met the harshness of the world. The next 10 years of my life were spent trying to figure out how I could save the people I love. I’m still trying to stomach the fact that I can’t. The next 10 years after that were spent still in the chaos of the storm, reacting, overly cautious, afraid of what each day would bring.

When I was 24 years old I was a first year teacher in Arizona. The school year had finished and I was excited as ever to get back to Washington to see my friends and family. My dad and I drove back and had a ball. The summer was starting off great, I was happy, excited, hopeful and ready to have the summer of a lifetime.

I had been in Spokane for less than 24 hours. I was driving down 29th with my best friend, going by the light on Perry. It was my first night back in town and home for the summer. I felt like I was on top of the world. Laughing with my best friend, heading out to get into mischief… My dad was calling. For the first time in my life I didn’t expect bad news from my dad calling multiple times in a row. I was finally past, waiting for tragedy. After answering, my world didn’t just stop, my heart and soul did too. I was no longer able to drive. Kate took over driving while I continued breathing heavily, dizzy, knees shaking, more scared than I have ever been (to this day).

Nobody will ever understand what I felt, until they go through it (and I hope that you never do). The opposite is also true…I will never understand what you go through until I experience it.

Waiting for tragedy is an ugly place to be. It is a waste of daylight, loss of sleep, it is an all-consuming place that got the best of me for far too long. I wish I could say I was out of the woods when it comes to expecting/waiting for “the other shoe to drop” but the anxiety and fear of tragedy lingers around.

Maybe I let the fear of tragedy hang around so that I am better prepared for when it strikes. But the truth is, there is no way to be prepared.

When we use to go visit my grandparents in Nebraska, I dreaded leaving. I would look out the airplane window during take off and hear tears of my loved ones falling. It wasn’t until I was in middle school or so that I realized why my mom and dad always cried when we left Nebraska. I imagine that they were thinking, “Next time I come here, my mom/dad may not be alive anymore” or “that may be the last time I see my mom/dad”. Several times, they ended up being right. I cannot get past the thought of losing people I love. It breaks me into thousands of tiny pieces. Love is such a deep connection especially between family…that there is no way to ever be ready for what is to come.

You see, my parents protect(ed) me from a lot. I didn’t always know when the world was spinning out of control. My dad informing me of the chaos meant death.

Side note: I know that I’m not a parent…but I believe whole heartedly that it is a parents job to protect their children from dangerous chaos. Let me begin with a disclaimer: My parents protected me. My parents never knowingly or purposely put me in a situation of dangerous chaos. Sure, we found ourselves in some crappy situations but my parents never caused it or forced me to go through it. Thank you for that. Children who group up in chaos become comfortable with it and begin to look for it. As a teacher, I see this and I understand it. I resist the temptation to feel sorry for children and instead try to encourage and help children find resilience, courage, dignity, empathy and a way to be better. In times like this I am reminded of how incredible children are. Living in chaos requires a person to begin living in a constant state of fight or flight-stress response. Fight or flight is activated when there is a perceived threat and people must function in this state to remain. Stress response should be short lived. Once the situation has passed your body returns to the normal state. This is not true for all of us. Some of us are living in a constant state of stress response and experience negative side effects(sweaty palms, heart racing, reduced sleep, headaches). Children should be protected from this instead of forced to live a life in which fight or flight is required in order to survive. Chaos can be beautiful or dangerous. The kind of chaos I’m talking about right now is the exposure to dangerous, unpredictable people and situations. This is the stuff I feel passionately about. Nobody should have to navigate through the “hard stuff” alone when these events have been experienced and lived through by many.

I can’t comprehend the pain of some situations because I have not lived them but I sure will listen and love.

My dad was calling me to tell me I needed to come say goodbye, to my brother. I arrived at the hospital a short time after the phone call. I ran inside and back into the emergency room where I saw my brother laying lifeless, clothes cut off, machines keeping him alive.

Seeing this was: frightening, upsetting, maddening, saddening…more emotions that I can find the words for. My brother had overdosed and was to end his days in that bed. I did not leave the hospital for the next 24 hours maybe even 48, until I was assured that Phil was in a coma and would not die without notice. I stayed at the hospital most nights. I’d seen a number of movies where people would magically come out of a coma because they could feel or hear the love in the room. Now I know, that is only in the movies. I would hold Phil’s hand, play our favorite songs, talk to him, yell at him, pray for him and just watch him. I thought I would be his reason for waking up. Sometimes, his hand would twitch in mine. I thought he was squeezing my hand. But this lasted days and wasn’t a squeeze of love or an “it’s okay sis, I’m coming”. It had been weeks of a coma, seizing and wonder. Wonder what would happen next, wondering if he would survive, wondering how we would survive…

From the ER we moved into ICU. Here, Some light started to come out of the situation. By light, I mean life. Phil had opened his eyes but was unable to talk, eat, walk, or communicate. He was no longer the person we all knew. Not long after, Phil went back into a coma.

It is hard to recount the steps that we took or recall the days that have passed…but as I am typing this out I have that same feeling in my stomach, frog in my throat and unsettling thought of what life is for some people.

In the summer to come many tears were shed by the family, nights were spent awake and days were spent at the hospital. There was not much happy in these days but there was a wedding of one of my brothers and a chance for the entire family to be together. The weeks and months to come were filled with steps forwards and leaps backwards and a mistake made by one that all of us were forced to learn from.

July came quick and I needed to head back to Arizona for my job. This was not an option for me at that time. With my brother was in and out of the ICU, leaving was not an ideal situation for me. I wouldn’t let it be a situation at all and with careful consideration I resigned from my teaching position in Arizona and stayed home where I felt I needed to be.

Phil is a warrior. He always has been. He was not supposed to survive this. I think of my family as an army. We have fought some dark battles [together] and we have won all but not without sustaining injury.

Phil got into Saint Luke’s rehabilitation center which became our home for the next month where Phil learned to walk, talk,write, eat, and do everyday skills that you learn as a child. We were not out of the clear…there were many ambulance rides back to the ER and several questions that still haven’t been answered. But after his time at Saint Luke’s, we walked out of there together.

Sadly, when my dad calls several times-my heart pounds. When I call my parents several times, I’m sure the same happens for them.

When I don’t hear from my brothers I begin to panic.

When my brothers tell me that they love me…I question why they are saying that.

We have added people to the family since, made mends and ripped too many stitches. But here we are. All six of us are still around, happy and healthy (I like to think).

20 years after meeting chaos…I am now what some would consider to be a professional with chaos. A master of chaos. I can welcome chaos and take care of the situation at hand. I’ve been in many ambulance rides, handled many adult like problems and become a comfort to those who find themselves going through similar situations that I have. This stuff-it is not good. It’s not something that most people share. But this, this has made me who I am. I’ve never been embarrassed of the hard stuff. To me this is a testimony of my family, our greatness, strength, resilience and love.

Positive lessons are rarely taught in positive ways

Take care of yourself. Impact people positively. Be sunshine in somebody’s dark day.

Also-I made a peanut butter and bacon sammy last night. It has been a long time since I’ve had one of those!

Thank you for being you.

illie

January 23, 2019