Just be

Category: selfworth

Beautifully Painful

“There was a time when the world was enormous: spanning the vast, almost infinite boundaries of your neighborhood. The place where you grew up, where you didn’t think twice about playing on someone else’s lawn. The street was your territory that occasionally got invaded by a passing car. It was where you didn’t get called home until after it was dark. And all the people, and all the houses that surrounded you were as familiar as the things in your own room.” -Wonder Years

I’ve been thinking about Kevin Arnold (I know Phil, you have too). If you don’t know Kevin, you should. I read this quote and it gave me all the feelings. When I think about home and growing up, this is how I feel. I was probably one of the last generations to grow up with this comfort, safety and freedom. The streets and neighborhoods were just a big playground. The rock wall, the curbs/cracks on the sidewalk, the shortcuts through the woods-I could walk these obstacles with my eyes closed. I miss that. Looking back can sometimes be harder than looking forward. I’ve been reminiscing-not purposely. Memories have been popping into my head and heart. Recalling events of childhood, there are memories flooding back to me. It is beautifully, painful.

Kevin Arnold also said “Things never turn out exactly the way you planned. I know they didn’t with me. Still, like my father used to say, ‘Traffic’s traffic, you go where life takes you’ and growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you’re in diapers, the next you’re gone, but the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a time a place, a particular fourth of July, the things that happened in that decade of war and change. I remember a house like a lot of houses, a yard like a lot of yards, on a street like a lot of other streets. I remember how hard it was growing up among people and places I loved. Most of all, I remember how hard it was to leave. And the thing is, after all these years I still look back in wonder.”

10/15/2018

I am not scared or nervous about where I am going. I’m sad about what I am leaving behind.

I identified this feeling for the first time today and now that I have…I see that this is how I’ve felt almost my entire life. When I was a child (single digit age) my dad would take us to Comstock, the public pool. My brothers and I would jump off the bunk bed and pile into the suburban. Sometimes, I didn’t go. It wasn’t that I was scared to go-or I didn’t want to go. I hated to leave my mom at home by herself. I wasn’t scared about moving to Arizona, I was sad about what I was leaving behind. I thought I was terrified to move to Japan…but turns out I’m not scared of what is to come, I’m afraid to lose/sad to leave people. But being sad to leave and having a hard goodbye is more heartwarming than an easy goodbye. An easy goodbye to me signifies a weak/nonexistent connection, a missed opportunity to spread sparkle and see the sparkle of others, or a chapter of life has come and gone where love was not present. A farewell only hurts when the impact of the person is positive (otherwise, why say goodbye?). I leave my first Junior high school in Japan tomorrow. Every six months ALT’s are switched to a new school. I’m not scared of where I am headed. I am excited to meet more students and staff. What is hard, is what I am leaving. I left the word behind off that time. When I say “leaving behind” it’s like I’m moving forward and the people who are staying are not and that is not what I mean at all. I am leaving a great group of humans and that is hard, no buts about it. I am leaving just as quietly and smoothly as I entered on September third. Thankful to have been at such a wonderful place.

I remember distinctly as a child-my greatest fear was losing someone close to me. That still is my greatest fear. When I leave…I feel as if I am losing something. Even just going to the pool for a few hours-I felt like I was losing something when I left my mama home. I think it is the fear of missing out giving me anxiety because I haven’t lost anything while I’ve been in Japan, rather I have gained a whole new world. Maybe I overdid it on the caffeine today, my heart is pounding like the sound and rhythm of a runner’s feet hitting the ground as they sprint. Or, maybe it is just that, anxiety. I think I’ve got some feelings creeping up on me that I do not particularly like…I could listen to my intuition and let these feelings come and go as they should…but I know this will include tears and I just don’t feel like crying. Isn’t that strange? I know I am going to cry, I feel it, but I don’t want to. I’ve noticed the past week or two my emotions are riding higher than the high they usually ride. I love butterflies-the kind you get in your stomach (doki doki). Butterflies are when a butterfly is in your belly flapping its wings, right? That’s what I believe wholeheartedly. It tickles and makes you nervous and it’s because something BREATH TAKING is on the horizon (something that makes you nervous-but the good/be brave/in love kind of nervous). The opposite, I have come to know are what I call “moths”. I’ve called them that for over a decade now. I imagine them to be just like butterflies but with thorns on their wings. When their wings flutter they give you a pain like sensation…a pit in your stomach. What scares me is when I get these and I’m not sure why. Our bodies are amazing. We can choose to listen to them when they tell us something-or ignore it. But for me-moths are like that red flag, they are a warning sign from deep within. I will be proceeding with caution but what I think is up ahead is a fit of sadness and tears and I will handle it with grace.

I got home from Okinawa yesterday. I’ve been wanting to explore and been too reluctant to go on a journey by myself. Like a teacher scaffolding a student…I needed some support before I adventure out by myself. I went to Okinawa (by myself) and stayed with an “online friend”. I’m laughing out loud. A person that I had only known through interweb interactions. I would never. But I did. It’s not some catfish deal. This girl, she’s the REAL DEAL.

A friend from home told me, “You HAVE TO REACH OUT TO CHRIS, she lives in Japan!” The friends I have at home are the most kind-hearted, genuine and real people I know. With a high priority suggestion like this coming from a person I trust with my heart, I reached out immediately. Okinawa has also been strongly recommended to me so I started asking Chris questions about Japan and if I could come visit. I hadn’t planned it because I’m not a planner. In Japan-people schedule everything. I hope I become accustomed to this myself. I wrote Chris on Tuesday, asking if I could come Wednesday or Thursday to visit for the weekend-then I bought my ticket. Thank goodness Chris has some wiggle room in her life to accept a visitor on such little/no notice. Sachiko was gracious enough to give me a ride to the airport…she knew I would likely get lost and miss such an early flight. I do miss that 15 minute commute to the Spokane airport.

Okinawa was completely different than [Mainland] Japan. The Military base, even MORE different than JAPAN! I’ve been missing gatorade, peanut butter, jelly, budlight, pralines and cream ice cream, burgers, the laughter and chatter of children, home and the company of sleepovers/family meals. All these needs got fulfilled this weekend and I got to see the ocean (and so much more). Chris and her husband have two daughters who are full of sunshine, giggles, the greatest vocabulary and the cutest brown eyes and personality. Each morning I had a friend beside me-ready to listen to Fancy Nancy. Each night I had a meal with wonderful people. I could write an entire blog about Okinawa-it would mostly be about the people because they were the best part of the trip. Okinawa was great too (even on the coldest days of the year, hah). It was the closest I’ve ever been to a rainforest. A few of my favorite things that we did/saw in Okinawa:

Going to the beach in the rain. NO people, beautiful shells and blue water.

Going on Base-walking into a store and laughing because it felt like I was at home and I was walking into SuperOne. I got some treasures to bring home (Gatorade mix, jelly, peanut butter, shampoo) along with souvenirs. I even used USD! That blew my mind. If I would have let it slip my mind, I would have thought I was in America. However, I was so excited that I was in Japan and seeing these products that I haven’t had since I left the USA.

Clothing-I was able to purchase some regular sized clothing that didn’t make me feel like such a giant (although, with my calorie intake my size seems to be increasing, oops). [You know-the people who love you, love you no matter what. They also think you are the most beautiful human being in the word-and your size has nothing to do with their view of you. That’s my favorite kind of love. Best friend/mama Love.]

LUNCH: I ordered a burger, friend rice and WINGS and then paid with USD.

Regular sized rockstars: 97cents. I buy the smallest redbulls/monsters you have ever seen here [Mainland], for more than 2 dollars.

The trees-I love the trees. I saw a pineapple bush for the first time as well as lots of other tropical fruits-some that were as big as my head! I got to go into a CAVE and learn about Habu snakes.

Touched a large snake. Let fish nibble on my feet. Walked barefoot in the sand.

I collected beautiful shells at the beach. When I got home I was unpacking, (my shell bag was in the kitchen) I kept hearing the crunch of plastic. I thought that the shells were going to fall off the counter, so I went to move them. To my surprise-I became a mom, to a crab! I checked each shell before I decided to keep it, but I missed this little guy (sorry bud, welcome home).

Turns out, being a crab mom is hard. I miss my Sawyer pup.

Spinach pancakes. Bed time stories. Morning snuggles.

Okinawa was my first traveling adventure, while abroad. I did it with the support of Chris and her family. I am excited to see what I “plan” or decide to do next. Thank you for letting me into your home and allowing me to spend time with your family. I have no words to show the depth of my gratitude and appreciation.

Back to the basics

I ordered a pack of bows. As you may know, I was obsessed with bows. Obsession is a strong word. Obsessions for me come out of nowhere and BOOM I am fixated on whatever it is and I WANT it and I NEED it. When I was 18 an obsession with bows began. I was walking through Forever21 at the valley mall. There were 5 bows/a variety of colors. I got one of each. That day I started wearing 1 bow a day. I rotated these bows daily and since I had 5 it got me through the school week and on the weekend, I would repeat. I started collecting bows. I have hundreds at home. I wore a bow in my hair everyday for the next 7-8 years. My best friend and I got matching bow tattoos, too. On days I didn’t wear a bow-people would ask what was wrong and they were right…something was wrong. I didn’t just stop wearing bows. It happened gradually, however I thought since I had one tattooed it still counted as “wearing” one. It was kind of symbolic of me losing my sparkle. The days wore on me and the bows became less and less until I was no longer wearing bows. I’m ready to get my sparkle back. I’m introducing bows back into my life (hair). My hair is the longest it has ever been and IT’S STILL SCORCHING hot, my hair ends up in a bun on top of my head by the end of the day. I do change my hair at least 3x a day-maybe not clothing but the hair for sure. Up, down, braid, bun, down, French braids back to a bun. My latest obsession is Edward Newgate from One Piece but I think I’m moving on. I want to buy a sewing machine-but fabric is such an expensive mania to support. My previous passion was headlamps.

Have I told you how the children/staff take care of their school? There is cleaning time at the end of each day. It is incredible to see and be a part of this.

Today, I got a hug from a student and a card from each girl on the softball team. Hard to believe we speak different languages yet we can communicate.

My most favorite thing… I always use the word “sister” as a term of endearment. I said “hey sister” to a student and later told her why I said that. The next day I got surprised with a “hey sister” from that student. It made me about dance with joy.

The way the students and the staff interact makes me smile. When I first started I was on edge every time I saw children goofing around, running inside, or rough housing. Now, I don’t even turn my head (unless I find it necessary). I’m accustomed to children not being able to touch, talk in the hallway, run inside (or outside for that matter). I’m comfortable with silent classrooms and eating/drinking during class. In Japan-students can touch, talk/sing/goof around in the hallway, run inside or outside, talk in class, but no eating or drinking. Students have the coolest PE uniforms. It is their name-that their family writes on a piece of material and sews onto a shirt. I’m going to take a white shirt to school tomorrow and have a child make me one.

The other weekend people were eating raw chicken. That goes against pretty much anything my health inspector brother has ever taught me about food. I was tempted to try it-but I was scared I would get sick before my trip to Okinawa. I have had more squid, liver, and heart. My taste buds are slow to adjust but they sure are.

Children walk anywhere/everywhere at all ages, alone. I think my mom was walking me to school in kindergarten…these children-they don’t need mama to walk them. Siblings/families are not as close as I am with my family. From what most children say-they don’t get along with their siblings.

Weekends are full of club activity. Some teachers work what seems like 8 days a week. Ok, maybe they have one day off-I applaud them.

I am overly cautious. I know that. My best friend laughs at that. When we would have sleepovers in high school I would get up late at night just to see if the doors were locked, at her dads house. I still do that when I’m in the US. Windows and doors locked. I left my car unlocked ONE time in Spokane and it got broken into. I have let my guard down a tiny bit (still making me far more careful than the average person) but I feel safe in my environment and that’s something I’ve never felt. Last week at the post office, I left my phone on the counter. I realized this when I got home. Walked back and guess what?! My phone hadn’t been touched. At home-it would have been gone.

[2 side notes] 1. I am overly cautious because of my brothers, which is ironic because they are so protective of me. Before I could get out of my bed…(crib days I’m talking) I remember hearing a knock on my window, looking up and seeing a WEREWOLF. The shrill scream of my voice sent my mama in running. My brother had already disappeared-making it look like I was only throwing an overly dramatic fit. Overly cautious from incidents such as this-overly cautious from watching Freddy Kruger before I learned to write my name. 2^nd I have sent a mass amount of letters out about three weeks ago. I’m going to be devastated if they don’t make it to Spokane/Texas. I hope they accidentally went SEA MAIL-and will appear this week. I sent my friends Kristy and Terry a letter my FIRST week in Japan…that still hasn’t arrived. I may need to start tracking what I send…especially when I am sending such a large amount of letters at once.

When riding in a vehicle, I still walk to the (US passenger side) right front door which is the drivers side here. Watching a movie where people are driving on the left side-I feel naked…it doesn’t look or feel right. I’m adjusting to car life here.

I’m cooking. This week I might turn my gas on so I can use the stove. Kind of want to see how long I can go without it…but I could probably go my entire stay in Japan. (HAH)

Anything I cook is done by microwave/microwave oven. What I’m “cooking” is: rice, canned tuna/chicken, quesadillas and waffles (I should have smuggled some Ego’s/Pace salsa back from Okinawa). Cooking is an invaluable skill and I have yet to acquire it. Yuko did teach me to make fried rice but that requires a stove and so you can see why I’m not making that at this point in time.

Snacks do not include fruit. Fruit is in its own category. (I think apples are a snack).

Brothers/sisters and children/parents do not talk daily, sometimes not even frequently (few times a year). I always tell people-call your family. It’s important and at the very least it will make them smile.

Moko, the darling who wrote the speech Actions Speak Louder Than Words made it to the NEXT ROUND! That means we will be going to Tokyo to support that lovely, most brave girl. I knew she would make it-PROUD OF YOU SISTER.

I’ve been waking up before my alarm. I just started season three of Prison Break. My ability to tell the age of a person is completely skewed now. I blame it on the FACT that people look on average, about 10 years younger than they are. I thought the guy in Prison Break was my age…he’s 47. I cannot tell the difference between 20’s and 40’s.

I will start working out this week. My transit to school will now take about 25 minutes by bicycle, I guess that could be considered my work out. I’d like to start running again. After all, it is good for the heart, brain and body. We are crazy not to do things that are good for all three of those.

I’ve encountered extreme kindness and friendliness. However, I do remember that there are rotten people. There are less unpleasant people in Japan-but they do exist. I’ve encountered a few.

I was thinking about a “best kept secret” on my walk home today. You know what-I think I grew up the moment I realized that nothing is better kept as a secret. I was thinking of when this would be appropriate. I thought…maybe when you discover a delicious new mixture of food, an easier way to do your hair, the quickest way to defrost your windows…but when you find something great-you should tell the world because then other people will have something great too. To keep something to yourself that could benefit others is selfish-the dirty kind of selfish. To do things for yourself, that’s the kind of selfish people should strive to be. We have one chance to live out whatever it is that our heart desires. When I see people who aren’t doing that it crushes me. All people deserve to be happy and luckily we each have the key to our own happiness. People. People are never meant to be a secret. That will destroy a person quicker than the person who holds the secret. People cannot shine when they are kept in the dark. We are meant to shine.

Halloween is sneaking up. Curious to see what will be done here. PRAYERS: Mama has surgery a week or so before Halloween-this year she won’t hand out candy. We have a tradition of eating chili and cinnamon rolls on Halloween. I hope that someone makes it for you this year Mom.

Alright. Finishing an episode and headed to bed.

More adventures to come.

illie

October 15, 2018
How’s Your Heart?
How Are You? [The person asking (generally) doesn’t care what your answer is]

I’m good, thanks! [The person answering is (generally) lying.] How are you? [Automatic response with no regard for the answer]

I’m good. [Lie because does that person care if you are having the worst day and you are holding back tears?]

In Japan-there is no “small talk”. I have asked my friends-what do you say when you first see someone…It’s not, how are you. It’s a respectful greeting and then straight to communicating. No small talk…but when I am at the store it seems like the cashier says 1,000 things and I catch a thank you and your welcome somewhere in what sounds like never ending words. That’s what it sounds when you hear a language you do not know.

Foreign languages. I cannot believe people can have entire conversations and I can have little idea of what it is about. I pay attention to body language and then I can understand about half of what is being said…just not through words, YET.

Spending time on something you don’t care about = intensely absurd

When I go to a store in the USA, we have small talk to be polite. If you don’t want to talk, you still do it. It would be rude if you didn’t. That’s a bit crazy. [HOLD UP-In Spokane I have gone to the same grocery store since I can remember-those cashiers have seen me grow up. That’s not small talk. I love those people.] Small talk seems to be comparable to busy work. It passes time by and is senseless and meaningless. I don’t know why this matters to me-we all have small talk (in the US), but I like that about Japan. You greet a person and then you begin your communications. No automatic “How are you” to begin each conversation. Everything is automatic nowadays [toilets, sinks, bicycles, doors, lights]. People ask how are you that as an automatic response in America…Yet, people are the only thing that cannot be automatic. We are not automatic and our conversations should not be either.

The person asking generally doesn’t care what your answer is because we ask without thought-like a reflex. The person answering is lying because they know you don’t really care. What in the world. This is where we go wrong. Not caring how one another are doing. I’m guilty too. “How are you” can slip out of my mouth before I realize that I am asking a complete stranger how they are doing (someone that I will never see again…and this complete stranger just lied to me by saying they are good because who would tell a stranger their life?) I would.

We have to share our life stories.

I do ask “the question” by accident sometimes but I am trying to be intentional about listening to what the person says. If they say ok, I ask what is going on. Being okay-is similar to surviving in my opinion. If you are okay…you are only going through the motions of life-something is going on and you could probably use a friend.

In Japan: okay=good

For Rachel: okay=your heart hurts.
- Why in the world would we ask how somebody is doing-if we don’t care to hear the answer? I say we-so that you don’t feel so bad that you do this every single day. I say WE so that I don’t feel bad that I do it too.
- Why is it polite to initiate a conversation that you do not want to have in the first place?
- Why is it rude not to talk?
- When you say “good” do you ever actually mean that you are doing good? Replying with good is automatic-there is nothing put into it. I have been working on being honest when somebody asks “how are you”. I am going to assume you want to know how I am doing if that is what you ask me. If you don’t want to know…don’t ask.
- Aren’t we supposed to MEAN what we SAY and say what we mean?
- How do we make every interaction meaningful?
- Asking a friend how they are doing is not small talk. It is situational (I think).
I want every single interaction I have to be positive. I want to improve the quality of lives. The lives of children, family, friends, even strangers. When I would be asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up”, I never was sure (until Mrs. Rypien changed my life) I just knew that I wanted to impact the world in a positive way. Maybe giving a compliment, a genuine compliment to each person would be a better way to start a conversation.

I prefer to ask-How’s your heart. I want to know how your heart is doing (I know it’s beating DAD). If I asked chichi “How’s your heart” I can tell you right now he would say “beating”.

Your heart is the chamber of your fears, happies, sads…the house of all your feelings. When I ask how is your heart-I want to know how you are doing as a person, how your life is, how your feelings are.

I asked several people-what do you say when you are next to a stranger and you want to say hello. You don’t. What if you want to be their friend? No-you don’t do tha. . .

YES, I DO.

In America it is easy to start conversations and say hello to anybody. It would be strange to say “want to be friends” no matter where you are in the world…but I’m trying to be intentional with my words and say what I mean. I have used that phrase more than once and acquired 2 new friends through doing so. Do not confuse this with asking to be Facebook friends. I’m asking people if we can create a friendship-not if I can scope their Facebook page.

Everyone here has been a stranger to begin with. Everybody is a stranger to begin. Strangers are just friends in the making, some strangers will even become your people. Except for the rare occasion when you meet a stranger that you need to run in the opposite direction from. That happens too. Trust your intuition with people-it is usually right. When people present you with a “red flag“, it is a RED FLAG-doesn’t matter who you want this person to be. Red flags = red flags [no matter how you look at it]. I’ve thrown more red flags out of my imaginary window than I’d like to admit. Red flags are warning signs or advanced notice of what is to come. WOW. We get warnings long before the person lets us down. A red flag is equivalent to a warning sign. Proceed with caution-danger is ahead.

There is something to this. We could avoid bad situations, feelings, decisions by observing and LISTENING to the warnings. Therefore, it imperative to treat people with kindness and respect. If we treat people poorly, we end up being the person to hand out the red flags. The times I feel the most miserable/guilty are when I handed out my own red flag (giving warning to a person that I could be a terrible, harmful, insensitive or mean human). Looking back-I would have avoided every single life lesson I have learned, had I “seen” the warnings. However, you can’t see something if you don’t know what you’re looking for. As a adolescent I didn’t know that your actions were/are who you are. I still like to ignore the stupid flags-but I see that they are (mostly) accurate. I say mostly because I know I have thrown up my own red flags according to others…but sometimes we do make mistakes and do something that is out of character for us. This is not to be mistaken with judging, it absolutely is not judging. You are not making a decision about somebody prior to knowing them-or letting your opinion of them be swayed by something other than their actions. Letting someone’s actions define them gives you evidence to support your view of them. Actions speak louder than words. Moko, a beautiful young lady that I adore submitted a speech to a university in Tokyo called Actions Speak Louder Than Words. I had seen this bag that I wanted a store within my first week of being in Japan. It said(says) Actions speak louder than words. I looked at it daily for at least 2 weeks. (At the time this was the only place I knew how to get to…so I went there every day!) I wanted it because I believe that to be true…But I didn’t know if 1,000 Yen (10 dollars) was in my budget when I arrived here but then… this beautiful human being says she is writing a speech called Actions Speak Louder than words. SAY WHAT! Being a person who is as sentimental as me-this was meant to be. Not only did I go back and get one of these bags but I got two. I knew that I had to get one for this person who also believed that actions are the single most powerful means of communication. This young lady has a heart of gold, like her Mama. These girls who were strangers to me 2 months ago are now my people. The people who I will be connected with for life. Soul Sistas. You are the company you keep. Back to that. Seeing the people I have in my life…I hope that I am the company I keep-because they are astounding. Stay close to people who feel like sunshine.

Sports Day- Extraordinary

In America we have NOTHING like this. Here it is called “Sports Day” A day that is all about sports. A festival that the entire student body participates in. Relays, races, dances, and marching. I could not believe the synchronicity, talent, strength and skill that these kids possess at such a young age. Everybody should see this at least once in their life. I loved it because I enjoy sports, but I do wonder how people view it that do not enjoy watching/playing sports. I just laughed out loud thinking about enjoying sports. A friend said to me, “I think you are boy-ish”. I didn’t know if I should take this as a compliment or an insult because being “boy-ish” is a perk of having three older brothers.

Even if I did have a choice…I wouldn’t change a thing. Having three older brothers is the greatest gift I have ever been given. People often say, “you’re the only girl, that must have been terrible.” I cannot even comprehend where people get the idea that it could have been terrible. It was anything but. Many things I have learned in life have come in some shape or form, from my brothers. They have been my heros, hurts, saviors, protectors and a source of grief and happiness. I have never met any siblings that are as close as we are (especially with an age difference like ours). We have gone through events that some siblings/families go through. We have gone through some situations that other families have never dreamed of-but have seen in the movies. I’m not sure why we are different than most brothers and sisters. But we talk everyday, we rough house, we visit each other, we share our happies and our sads and sometimes we are each other’s happy and/or sad.

Being an athlete myself-I’ve stayed to watch/play sports with the students. The coaches here put more time into their clubs than some people put into their daily job (in America). Club activities take up after school time and weekends. Dedication. In the United States we would have games after school that lasted until 5pm. Those were late nights for everybody (coaches and students). A normal day-practice was over at 4:30. Here practice ends at 6:00pm. Games are just “matches” the real games are the games that are played during tournaments, on weekends. We never have tournaments unless you are part of a team outside of school. Sports day was one of the coolest experiences I have ever had. I got to be in a teacher replay which nearly gave me a panic attack (I’m such a wuss). Good thing I didn’t know until RIGHT BEFORE it was time.

Something I giggle about frequently…How many times I use to change my clothes during the day. When I was teaching in America, I rarely ended the day in the same outfit I began it in. I had enough clothes in my classroom to live. I would change because I was uncomfortable. Maybe too hot, too cold or was going to PE with my students. I changed at least twice a day. Here-the teachers change more than I did! Now I don’t change at all. Teachers wear suits-EVERYDAY. But during the day I see several switches. Anywhere from 1-4 or 5. Suit to gym clothes and back to the suit. Teachers here change because of the classes they have or activities they are doing during the day. The teachers have a locker room! What I would wear teaching in America would not be appropriate here. It is much more formal. You should see the uniforms the students wear. They are so neat and tidy-boys with suits and girls with skirts and cardigans. No khakis and polo shirt. Some people never own a suit-these children wear one every day!

Manners…Using my hands to eat…pick food up is a no no. (I can use chopsticks now). Luckily, I have the greatest friends so they just laugh and tell me that “manners” are a thing here and I should not do that. I would say I have manners. I always say please and thank you and chew with my mouth closed. I make a point to be kind to people and in a way, that is manners. Standing while eating might not be done by many but I do that often and it’s polite to sit. You know when you’re so hungry you grab a piece of pizza and eat it while standing? (Everyone does that, right?!) I don’t use dishes. I don’t enjoy washing the dishes so I avoid that by not using dishes. More people should do that. When I do use dishes, I do my own so nobody else has to. If everyone did their own dishes, there would never be dishes to wash. My dad-he always HAS to use a plate even if it is a meal that you get that is basically on a plate/tray. Most people use the paper that the TOGO burger is wrapped in as a plate (or is that just me?)…not chichi.

Growing up, we did not eat at a table. I don’t think we could. We did it a few times a year and I’m pretty sure each time we did I ended up crying from being hit, made fun of, or from laughing so hard. Tom was/is notorious for hitting me under the table. When I was mad enough I would retaliate and then RUN for my life because once I got caught-my retaliation would be the biggest mistake a little sister could make. This didn’t happen because we had parents who didn’t discipline us. You’re thinking, wow their parents let them do whatever they wanted. No. Our parents are the most caring, supportive, loving, parents a bunch of little stinkers could have.

We just had a hard time having all six of us in such close headquarters. Driving to Nebraska, from Washington, that was even harder than sitting at a dinner table together. Six people. Six Binger’s together-it was/is beautiful chaos.

The mornings are cooling off. HAPPY OCTOBER! Time is going too fast. The one thing we can’t slow down. Typhoon #24 was yesterday. Number 25 will be next week. I ordered a mattress (expensive yoga mat) from Amazon.

You may or may not know that I came to Japan to become the person I am meant to be. I did not like who I was becoming. I had/have a lot of self-growth and learning to do. Moving locations is only geographic. But moving countries by myself with the intention of becoming the person I want to be-that’s the roots of my heart spreading. It’s happening each day. I feel it. While my roots are developing I feel like the roots of people I love are shriveling. I hate that I cannot be there to love and support my people. However, I am here because I couldn’t continue to let my love and support for my people consume me anymore.

You know-a lot of hurt/hate lives inside of us? I’m thinking of a person right now that I dislike(d) very much. Not because I was jealous. This person was genuinely mean. When I thought about this person my heart would pound, instant anxiety. Now when I think of this person I feel sorry for them. I let them live inside me for months. I hated them, was scared of them and sometimes getting out of bed felt like a challenge/battle. This person wasn’t physically in front of me. You can’t hurt me if your not physically HERE. I had to let this idea sink in. Because emotional pain is different. But I don’t have to let emotions live in me. I’m still letting this idea sink in…but I’m learning that you will only be as hurt as you let yourself be. Pain is real. But letting pain make or break you-that is real thoughtless. A battle within yourself is the most tragic of all battles if you don’t win.

I have never been able to verbalize these emotions as eloquently as a loved one has:

“Is it impossible to embrace this miserable feeling almost like a rebirth and to be proud because you’re finally doing something you want to do more than anything…even though you feel dead inside? I feel old and tired like a prisoner of war. I hope this escape is final and for good with as few casualties as possible. I will fight with everything I’ve got knowing it will be my last battle. I’m not going into battle for glory, but for a victory at all costs…I hope to feel small but very strong feelings of victory as I know I am still standing although I am using a cane to do so…”

People feel this way…but what the are they supposed to do when they feel this? How can people feel this, yet we don’t have access to the resources they need to go to battle. I’ve learned that my hurts are no deeper or worse than yours, just as yours are no more real, painful than mine. A situation might be worse for a person…but the pain they feel is NO different than the pain you feel. In my life-I thought I was the only one for a long time. The only one that had panic attacks, cried myself to sleep or had to start turning my phone off after 9pm.

When I learned I wasn’t the only…it was a weight lifted from my shoulders and placed onto my heart.

I couldn’t/can’t stand the thought of other people feeling that kind of pain. I’d rather have been the only one than to know there are thousands of people who experience the same unfortunate events that I have, every day. Our hurts are all different but what if our pain is the same? Wouldn’t it be a more caring world if we all knew that each person has pain as severe as our own? Wouldn’t that help make us more empathetic and sympathetic?

When I think back to being 16, I was miserable. I think about the number of people I hated. I hated more people than I liked. I knew that these wouldn’t be my best days while others would never have better days. Some people don’t ever move past the hate, mistakes and regrets the make. I don’t think I would still be here today if I remained the person I was back then. [I had a teacher that saved my heart. Once this happened…I knew that I had to be a teacher. If I could impact even ONE life the way she changed mine…it would be worth it. Thanks Ryp. I love you dearly.] I’d say most people walk out of high school on the last day-the same person they were when they walked in 4 years previous. I walked out of high school a completely different person than I was when I started. Then-I went to college. I left there a entirely different person. I have yet to say I left, a complete-or whole person. With each new chapter in life I have transformed, developed and grown. I don’t think that I need to be “completed” or whole-I prefer to be a work in progress.

Life is hard. Be kind.

illie
October 1, 2018