Just be

Category: smalltalk

  • Walkin’ on Sunshine ☀️

    Walkin’ on Sunshine ☀️

    Found a note that I started on my computer during my flight home!

    December 19th, 2021:

    Watching the sunrise above the clouds with the stars still sparkling. When these two meet, magic happens. The sun is rising while the moon is setting, the stars are shining while the clouds are changing colors, welcoming the new day. Like a birthday party for a brand new day!

    My first international flight in 3 years. The excitement, adventure and opportunities that this trip will bring are as great as the opportunity of a new day. Infinite.

    My covid experience was not knowing if I would hug my parents again. 

    In 2 hours I hit ground in Seattle, Washington.

    My trip started off in a new way. A great family, dear friends, brought me to the airport, parked and walked me in. They saw me off and boy did it feel like the sunrise meeting the moon set. Calm, peaceful and pure. To start my trip in such a way, I know that I have some great days ahead. 

    Familyships

    How could they not be, after all?

    … Back to present day:

    Last year, 2021, I was on a night dive, under water to bring in the the new year. 2021 consisted of 50+ dives around Japan, which is a lot for a girl who had never been under ocean water before. This year, 2022, I was on my way back to Japan, over the clouds. When I was younger I always heard *How you bring in the new year is how you spend the year. While I don’t put all my eggs in that basket, I know this year will be exciting and it is starting off with my head above the clouds.

    February:

    March! My favorite month. February was one for the books this year and I know March will be the same.

    I went to visit the place I use to be from…My first home away from home. Nishinomiya, Hyogo was a lot of firsts for me…I’d never left America and only visited a handful of states before getting my passport at 28 and moving here. I turned in my car keys, packed 3 suitcases and got a one way ticket to Japan for what I thought would be two years MAX. Here I am three and a half years later. My first: foreign country, train ride, chopstick use, sushi, raw fish, public bath, taxi ride and the gathering of my fragmented soul. It was also my first starting from the ground up building: familyships, friendships, a new language and career. It was my first time without: a car, an animal, gatorade, hot tamales, starbursts, pralines and cream ice cream…

    Living a life I never dreamed of, MAGIC.

    I am often smiling when I get on my bike because I am 31 years old, in a foreign country that I call home, RIDING my bike to the train station to go on a little adventure. COME ON now, does it get better than this?!

    I learned a more about living the past 3.5 years than I could have in a lifetime- if I didn’t take this opportunity. I feel that I have navigated and become better from each experience. I have learned about a new culture. The things I thought I would never understand are now normal. I think that is how I knew it was time to move on to the next adventure.

    This feeling is one I am familiar with…I’m not scared of where I’m going, I am lucky to have a life full of love to leave. Hard goodbyes are the best because where a difficult goodbye exists, love lives. Anywhere love lives, count me in.

    Most days I feel like I am walking on sunshine, sliding down rainbows. It is like I have these HAPPY glasses that I wear around. I find happiness in everything. Some may think I don’t see the realness in life but really, I find happy in that too. The other day my hands were so cold I could have broken my fingers off. I laughed. Stubbing my toe, hilarious. The hard stuff too, I may not always find happiness in it because let’s be real…there isn’t happiness in hurting someone you care about, a broken heart, the loss of a friend or the disappointment of a letdown. I do always recognize that the set back, is the set up. The cards are stacked in my favor and regardless of what it is, I will grow and become better, braver, stronger and wiser.

    Smile, it makes a difference. Laugh, it changes your life.

    Spring is here. Cherry blossoms are beginning. I use to feel restlessness in Spring. Now I feel hope, wonder and magic because I am at home with myself. What a wonderful place to be.

    I am 15 months hangover free and 30 pounds lighter. I was thinking this morning while getting ready for work, I have been living alone for 4 years, single for 5+. Sneaking up on 32 years old, I thought I would possibly be married by now and absolutely have children. Like I said…I am living a life that wasn’t even in my wildest dreams and it turns out, it’s perfect for me.

    There is always time to begin again.

    Love more, the world needs it.

    All the love and all the power.

    illies

    Rachel

  • Compilation: The first half of 2021

    Compilation: The first half of 2021

    Alright, alright alright! Here we go. I had 5 blogs started so I’m going to throw them altogether and see what I end up with. So-here we go. My first half of 2021 in review.

    January 2021:

    2021! Welcome. This year is off to an extra special start.

    Where were you when the new year struck?

    Me, I was under water on a night dive. I entered the water in the last hour of 2020 and I exited within the first hour of 2021!

    It was an exciting experience. In the past month I have gone from a 1 dive girl to double digits-17 dives deep! I am working on getting my advanced open water diving certificate.

    Under water is really a cool place to be. I was asked while on a dive trip with my favorite dive shop- OhanaWith in Numazu.

    Why did you start diving?

    The easy answer…I don’t know.

    The real answer…I wanted to do something I was scared of. That is why I started. I’m continuing it because I want to master something that I never thought I’d do. I want to master this new exciting hobby that is bringing joy, health and wealth into my life.

    I’m reflecting a bit on some of the heart work I’ve been doing. I’ve hosted some resentment within me because I felt invisible at times throughout my life. I thought others weren’t seeing me…turns out-I made myself invisible.

    This is a hard reality for me to stomach. Why would someone want to be invisible?

    Well-the answer is-at times it probably saved my life. There were times it was safe and easy to be invisible. It was something I held tight to unknowingly though and I’m ready to let it go.

    This winter I had a moment where I tried to go invisible. I felt like a hassle to those I was with and I felt unwanted. This in no way was what was happening but in my mind, it was. That is where I need to expand my heart, mind and soul. This only reflects myself, the way I feel about myself. I developed this victim mentality that I thought I let go of years ago. I remember being a teenager thinking “Why is this happening to me…” I now know that the things that I thought were happening to me…were not even about me. It was about them.

    February 2021:

    Lose yo’self.

    Not.

    March 2021

    There is only one way forward…and that is forward.

    I rented a motorcycle. What an ADVENTURE. During my 24 hour rental I had this…revelation. The only way forward, is…drumroll please……………….

    FORWARD

    Seems obvious. However, when we drive, we look back with the mirrors. On the motorcycle there were times when I was looking back, so concerned that I was an inconvience for the person behind me, I would pull over. The mirror is an important tool. Necessary for safety and more importantly, is what is ahead.

    I am…The person I want to be. Each day I strive to be better than the day before. My call of action-reflection, action, manifestation.

    April 2021

    Life is full of big decisions. Ones that change a moment, a day, and your entire life.

    Frightening or freeing depending on how you look at it.

    I’m days off of Zoloft which I’ve taken since I was 23 years old. Frightening or freeing depending on how I see it.

    May 2021

    Started Aikido and came while reading a book about it I came across the FAQ.

    Does Aikido make you “strong”?

    Answer: The development of spiritual strength will give you the unshakable confidence to meet any challenge that is true strength.

    June 2021

    The wisdom inside of you-the you inside of you that loves you more than anybody else in the world-That you doesn’t need to be found, they need to be uncovered. -Annie Grace words. Powerful.

    Too drunk to drive in the morning. THE NEXT MORNING. Has that ever happened to you?

    You ever laughed about that with friends the next morning?

    I wish I could say no-. However, at that time in my life I actually thought it was funny.

    Seems like ages ago. Well those mornings have been years ago. I took breaks from drinking here and there. Months at a time. Now, I’m currently on my 6th month of choosing not to drink-because I don’t want to. Who knew, paradise was right here in my own home. Saturnine mornings, 5 AM woken up by the sunlight, refreshed and ready to start the day. Headaches that are curable, anxiety that is non-existent. It took me awhile to make this a solid space of living and now that I have I often find myself so happy at myself because I am able to rise with the sun, headache free and happy.

    Not only headache free. I’m nearly 2 months Zoloft free.

    8 years of Zoloft. I thought I was taking a pill that kept me safe. Made me feel safe. Took care of my nightmares…I thought a pill was that magical. Little did I know, I hold so much more power within myself.

    I am that powerful.

    I was told I would likely be on Zoloft the rest of my life. Thankfully, I found myself in a safe situation, place and environment where I was able to give it a go. The withdrawals were notable. The chills, headaches, dizziness and nightmares came and have since went.

    

    One night…So notable I am going to share it. This was a week or so off of Zoloft and the nightmares that began all those years ago returned. I woke up and began to panic. I was crying, unable to calm myself and I was awake. I was looking around my room trying to convince myself that I was safe-because I was.

    This night, it took me 20 minutes with some help of my energy sensei to get back to center in a place where I was able to lay back down. When I began Zoloft it was because I had these same nightmares and I would stay up the entire night, scared out of my mind. This was the same nightmare but this time instead of 12 plus hours to get back in my body, right here right now, it took me 20 minutes. Growth.

    This first six months of 2021 has been a lot of heart, mind, soul growth and expansion. It’s been healthy. I’ve been practicing energy work, wim hof, ocean diving, aikido and added some new ink to my body too. One more dive course and I’m into the rhelm of professional divers. YES!

    Life is easy and life is good. Let it be.

    https://videopress.com/v/PAAiysIK?preloadContent=metadata

    Here’s to the next six months of magic.

    illies

    Rachel

  • PNW raised, Japan saved

    PNW raised, Japan saved

    HAPPY JUNE!!

    May 1, 2020 (I’m currently finishing up this blog and it is now June 9th…this blog is events from the past five months.)

    Hey you! Stop, collaborate and listen…I’m getting older so if you don’t finish that line-just consider it a generation gap. ICE IS BACK WITH MY BRAND NEW INVENTION.

    Happy, healthy, free, beautiful and safe. This has been the words I’ve repeated everyday for at least two months. Sometimes hundreds of times a day. When I began…I knew these words all hold a place deep in my bones and now I feel them.

    Find what you need and bring them to your life. 

    A year ago my dad was here.

    Right now Japan isn’t allowing flights inbound.

    I’ve been away from home for my longest stent yet with no future plans of returning. I’m starting to clean up and pack for my next adventure.

    My next adventure. Wow.

    My trip to Thailand was cancelled-because of the virus. School has been cancelled for a month and will be postponed for another month. At home, school has been cancelled for the rest of the year.

    The world is in a strange place. I hope you are staying healthy.

    For my 30th birthday I spent the day with a few friends. We ate lunch at my favorite burger shop and had cake. Relaxing way to enter my 30s.

    Not too much has happened in the past month. I’ve spent days at a time at home alone. I’ve had limited social interactions which I guess I was already use to, having been in Japan for a year and a half.

    It better prepared me for this pandemic. I have limited social interactions and many of the interactions I have daily require a mass amount of energy. On top of the energy it requires to do simple things, much of the message is lost in translation.

    That is something I miss. I miss the easiness of relationships. I miss the communication that is understood through verbal and non-verbal communication.

    My fears have evolved so much in the past two years. I use to be afraid of anything and everything. My friends, I’d have them WATCH me walk to my car at night. I’d have my mom wait up for me if I was going to come home late. I never slept with my windows open because that is terrifying. Pull up to a stoplight, make sure the doors are locked. Headphones in when walking, no way. I use to hear sounds at night and it would scare me so badly I would stay up ALL NIGHT because sleeping when you are that scared is out of the question.

    I’m in a completely different place in life, literally and figuratively. My anxiety and depression are at bay and manageable. I do have days where I do breakdown but I consider that a normal part of life-not linked to my depression and anxiety. My fears have evolved because my anxiety is manageable and I no longer worry about the things that use to hurt me. I’m coming to terms with the fact that it was never other people/things/events that hurt me. It was me, hurting ME. Figuring that out felt like a pounds of pressure off my chest. I can breathe easier.

    The only person I can control is myself. I cannot control others. What someone else does is no reflection on me or who I am. Geographically moving doesn’t fix depression/anxiety but it has helped me manage mine. Sometimes all you need is boundaries and the way you acquire them varies. My boundaries and freedom came from moving out of the country. My freedom and safety came from digging deep within. I still have a lot to unpack and to tell you the truth I’m scared to do it. I have memories and years I cannot remember. I know they are in me somewhere and there’s a reason I can’t remember. When I’m ready, I’ll start digging.

    6/1/2020

    I stopped writing a month ago because thinking about unpacking the past put me into a frenzy. It made me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I’m not in the headspace to do this, yet. So for now-I’ll document the things I have been in the headspace to do!

    February:

    23rd: Osaka aquarium

     

    24th: pole dancing show

    March

    7: Got out of the house and went to a singles event to meet new people.

    8: Went to a friends house to meet her bunny and prairie dogs! Prairie dogs, as pets!

    Started sewing at school because students were no longer coming. Listened to hours of 48 hours podcasts, made bags, pencil cases and blankets.

    Went to an old students house to meet her family and have lunch.

    MORE sewing

    Hair became long enough for pig tails

    Trip to Thailand cancelled

    Last days at my most recent school and the last day at a school I’ve gone to once a month for the past year and a half. Cried on the way out of both.

    April

    Mom’s trip to Japan, cancelled

    End of March/beginning of April…wrote and sent out about 50-100 happies to friends all over America. They have yet to receive them…

    Chipped my front tooth. Again.

    Made an address book.

    Sakura season

     

    New school

    May:

    Work from home days because of COVID19.

    More sewing

    Set some savings goal so I can buy a little Suzuki motorcycle during my next adventure.

    Found out that my kid is actually a girl, after naming her, BOY (Otokonoko).

    Mother’s Day-love you mom.

    Beach days

    2 full days sitting with my sadness and letting it out

    More beach days

    Began packing

    Hikes with friends

    Last week I began running.

    Chipped my front tooth again-dental work

    Some weird mystery infection.

    Immigrations office

          That brings us here, to June. I’m still waiting for a refund for my trip to Thailand. Hoping to squeeze it in at some point.

    Hoping mom will be able to come visit sooner rather than later.

    School started back up today. Half the students come in the AM and the other half in the PM. That way students are distanced and we can sanitize between groups. Students have 4 classes that are each a half hour. I’ll begin classes tomorrow. I CAN’T WAIT.

    I’ve finalized my plans for moving. I’ve hired a moving company and began packing. HappySad.

    I’m ready to be back in the classroom full time. I’m anxious, excited and full of hope and energy thinking forward.

    As usual, leaving will be hard. It always is.

    Getting close to people is hard. I didn’t use to think that. It has always been easy but I have never been the person leaving until now.

    Sometimes while I’m riding my bike and I see something like…kids napping while riding on the front or back of a bicycle…I think, what a different life it is here. NO SKUNKS. People rarely get stung by bee’s. I love finding out these silly little things. JOY.

    When I moved here everything was new and now its all normal. Bicycles riding everywhere, no pattern to the foot/bike traffic. No garbage cans in public places, the normality of drinking, being completely covered in summer not letting skin show, the cost of fruit and the amount of people on trains. Things that once blew my mind I can go through a day and not notice anymore.

    I’m excited for my next journey. For all the newness and freshness. The excitement that comes with new experiences, new relationships and new challenges.
    I’ll have a heck of a time leaving Nishinomiya. I appreciate the sadness and difficulty though, because where the pain exists, love exists.

    This is the place where I started to become the person I want to be. This is the place that saved a girl who didn’t know she needed saving.

    The world is in a sad place right now. Keep being light

    Shout out to BLMkansai. We went this weekend to support the movement and it was incredible. I am happy to be apart of something so great. It was well organized and carried out smoothly. Way to go Kansai and the organziers. 

       

      Until next time.

      illie

      Rachel

    • Happy, Healthy, Safe and Free 愛　

      私はレイちゃんです。

      私はひまわりが好きです 。

      Do you know I prefer to go by RayChan

      レイちゃん

      Instead of RachelSan

      レイチェルさん

      Sounds more like LayChan. Chan ちゃんhere is used for children. San さんis used for adults. Of course I prefer Chan. It’s only natural. I even got it on my new dentist card after insisting it was what I like to be called and convincing the staff to put it on 🙂

      Happy OCTOBER! 10 月

      OCTOBER?! What in the world. The past month has been adventure filled and fun packed. I’ve been to one Oktoberfest (in September…I’ll never understand that). I’ve been to the dentist 歯医者…three times and I’ve spent more than 24 hours in bed on several occasions. My friend, Pamela, and I went to 鳥取　Tottori, Japan. This has been on my to do list for the past few months. We got to swim in the Japan sea and see Sand Dunes in JAPAN! Thanks Pam-for helping me get out and about and check things off my list that I’ve been wanting to do. What I love most about our adventures, is the amount of time we spend laughing. Appreciate you.

      I rode my bicycle to Costco which was an hour+ ride. I did it mostly for the hotdog.

      A beautiful woman made her debut in Heaven and I’ve been keeping busy since.

      We had sports day, which I wrote about a YEAR AGO!! The entire school participates in an entire day filled with sports. It is an incredible sight to see. This year I understood what was happening, so it was more exciting, fun and meaningful than last year. Last year I couldn’t wrap my mind around what was happening it was so foreign and new to me.

      I spent a day walking around Kobe by myself. I went there to go shopping and didn’t buy a thing…not even a coffee or lunch.

      jr駅September 29th, I did an old rail road hike with some wonderful friends. My favorite days are the ones I get to spend finding bugs/creatures with friends and their children.

      I’m going to be traveling to my THIRD country in a few days!! Isn’t that something. 29 years old and just now going to the 2nd country outside of my own. Taipei, Taiwan! I’m excited.

      I’ve got a stomach bug right now which I am trying my best to pass before the flight on Thursday! It will be gone by tomorrow because I’m going to Taipei, WOOOHOOO.

      学校　I start a new school next week. Once again,

      I’m not afraid of where I’m going…I’m just sad about what I’m leaving.

      Every school here has become a special place in my heart. I’ve grown close with students and staff and it will be hard to leave. I hate leaving…But I love arriving.

      Life…生活

      It’s a weird one.

      I’ve fallen off the wagon a bit on taking care of myself. I’m going to get back on though and get back to it.

      10/16/2019 Back from Taiwan, my last day at my current school is tomorrow and I’ve had a battle with a stomach bug, Aleve and been thinking about my next (possibly last) 9 months in Japan.

      For starters, 5 days in Taiwan was enough me. I got to see some beautiful views, try new foods and explore a city (mostly by foot). We spent an entire day including the FOREVER LONG commute, in Jioufen. This is a famous destination location, mostly for people who have seen the movie Spirited Away, which I have not.

      I enjoyed walking through the alley’s and seeing the treasure shops. We got to the bus stop around 11:00am where several people were waiting. Bus 1062. Don’t think I’ll ever forget that number. We were all excited and ready for this great hour adventure to a beautiful and infamous place…

      The bus passed us. We laughed. As we generally do. 笑い　Then some foreigners from Shanghai who were doing the same thing as us…luckily let us tag along with them to the main bus stop. The line for the bus…I can only describe with time. It would have taken at least 3 hours to get on the bus and take a 2-hour ride with traffic. We split a cap with 4 other people and took a two-hour cab ride. I’m spending time writing about this because it was memorable for me and hilarious. I got car sick…the roads are bigger than Japan but the number of mopeds is NUTS. The amount of people that ride on one moped was a huge surprise for me. We decided to head home after a couple hours…we waited in line for a bus at least an hour…and proceeded on a three-hour journey back to town…

      My world is expanding. Everywhere I go I see and learn so many new things.

      Mopeds, wandering dogs and cats, people, smelly foods and treasures. The money took me a bit to figure out. I say that like I figured it out…I just multiplied the price by 3 to get an approximate amount of what the item would be in USD. Spending a 100-dollar bill there was like spending three US dollars. In Japan a one-dollar bill is like a 100-yen coin. The money is MUCH easier to convert in Japan.

      10/18/19

      Yesterday, I finished at my 3rd school. It was a hard one to leave for me. Each school I leave, I think…it can’t get harder than this. But each school…it gets harder.

      10/25/19 I have been at my new school for a week. Once again, students are brave. This school is much smaller than the other schools I have been at. There are about 34 students in each class. The schools before have always had 40 or so students.

      おやすみねさいThe past two nights I’ve been sleeping by 9:30. My new commute is about an hour door to door. I take the bus with high school students in the morning. By the time all the students get on, the bus is so full you almost don’t have to hold on.  The buses here are all MANUAL. I think that is the coolest.img_2345

      I have to start planning at least one trip a month. A trip where I go stay somewhere over night. Last year I started going somewhere each weekend. I hope to get back to that.

      誕生日おめでとう

      My brother turned 38 yesterday! Happy birthday Tom. I always say, I wonder why so many people “grow up” and I never did. When I say grow up…I mean grow old. People stop looking for bugs, wild animals, exploring nature, laughing at little things and appreciating the small stuff. I love that I never lost that. Yesterday I realized…you never lost that sparkle either. I don’t know how I never saw this similarity between us. We love armadillo hunting, looking for animals, buying bug spray and…you know…

      20170817_075037

      こどもIf a 6-10 year old would enjoy it…we would enjoy it too. I LOVE THIS. I love being like you. I’ve looked up to you since I can remember. You were my first hero. I love you TB. Happy birthday to you.

      This slideshow requires JavaScript.

      I’ve been teaching the art of hugs. Many people give hugs where they give your back a half ass pat…those hugs make me think of insincere actions. I know that is not what people mean by them but I have been showing people how I like to embrace.

      Embrace. 擁する

      I’m going to a Halloween party tonight. I sure miss the spark that Halloween carries with it. Most kids here haven’t been trick or treating. When I explain it to them and make the “ding dong” sound for the doorbell, we all giggle. Here the sound for a doorbell is “pin pon”. Love it!

      The Halloween party was SO FUN! I played games with children as young as 2 and up to university students. I am excited to join in on more of their games.

      img_2343

      Guess what? It’s now November 5, 2019. That means a few things.

      11月

      1. My best friends’ birthday is in 20 days and my other best friends/moms birthday is in a month and 21 days! 勇敢なThanksgiving and Christmas will come and go here in Japan, nearly unacknowledged with the preparation of new year’s, starting.cropped-img_7698-1.jpg
      2. I’m headed to Tokyo in a few weeks!
      3. A friend is coming to visit from America, next week!
      4. I made my first bag. It was about a half hour project. Took me 3+ hours. Hah.
      5. I tried puffer fish. Poisonous fish that you must have a permit to prepare because if it is prepared wrong, it is fatal. I will never try it again. It melts in your mouth. The only thing I want melting in my mouth is pralines and cream, ice cream.img_2454

      Ok, let me dig back in my calendar to see what I want to get down, so that I never forget.

      I stargazed in Sasayama. The stars never let me down.

      I made a new friend. 友だち

      I have watched three Storks basketball games this season!

      I watched the chorus contest for the second year. It was AMAZING. It blows my mind that students here learn how to sing and draw. I always wanted to feel the music. My mom was a music teacher and a flute player. She felt the music. I wanted to be like her but I just never felt the music other than the lyrics. I finally felt the music. 音楽

      I watched Yuko’s son play basketball. バスケットボール

      Sports day is next week. Wahoo!

      I’m going to get to Kyoto to see the fall leaves changing.

      冬　I got my winter clothing out. It was 55 degrees last night and it felt like FREEZING. When Spokane gets the first 55 degree day its like paradise. I guess I’m acclimated to Japan weather now.

      本　I’m about finished with the book The Power of your Subconscious Mind. I’m learning the power of our thoughts and how we are what we think.

      I always tell my students…if you think you can or can’t, you’re right. I think Henry Ford spoke the original quote. I spend a reasonable amount of time teaching this lesson to students…I knew it to be true but now I can see the extent of this truth.

      考える　I realized at some point…the things I think usually manifest into reality. I’m learning to use that to my advantage to help me improve my life.

      I’ve been thinking about what people are doing in life. If we are not making the world a better place…what exactly are we doing?

      If somebody is not contributing positively to our life…why include them in it?

      (Reading back through my blog…it’s interesting that I was thinking about this only in terms of people…you’ll see why).

      戦い

      I try my best to be good. A good person. Friend 友だち。Daughter娘. Sister 妹. I try to be better than the person I was yesterday.

      It is normal to be happy and healthy. It’s not normal to be sick and unstable.

      We come into this world for the most part, in perfect health, because that’s what is normal for a person and their body. Our bodies can heal themselves, but our thoughts get in the way of that.

      My hair is growing. I can’t believe that I consider it LONG now! Sometimes I mohawk it or do a little combover. HAH. I have to do something with it everyday now or it is just a floppy fuzz puff. I found a sparkle or two growing in. Thought I might as well keep them. Never to young to sport a strand of glitter.白髪

      Happy, healthy, beautiful, free.

      The only way to get out of darkness, is with light.

      To anyone in the darkest place of all.

      世話をする

      At what point did I start feeling sorry for you and start being afraid of you? At what point did I begin to see clearly? When was it exactly, that I knew I couldn’t heal your hurts with my love? With any amount of love…

      Nobody wants to be filled with hurt. Nobody wants to feel anger take over their body…

      I used to think…You choose to feed the monster within you…However, when you become so deep in addiction, you don’t make the choice to do the drug. It is like you locked yourself in jail and now you can’t figure out how to get out (how to stop). Of course, you don’t want to be there. But that “thing” is a part of your survival and you don’t just think it…you believe it.

      No one wants to be an addict. But sometimes you are and when you don’t want to be anymore…you get up off the ground and build your life back up. You look for resources. They are out there. You look for the key to the cell and you let yourself out. The key is right there, in your back pocket.

      Being in a dark place doesn’t make your self-worth go down. It doesn’t change others love for you even though maybe it should.

      At what point will you realize you are killing the people that love you.

      Why do people hurt those that are closest to them? Well I guess it’s because that’s the people that are still THERE. It’s the only people you really can hurt, those who have yet to leave.

      This slideshow requires JavaScript.

      Speaking of beating dark with light…

      I always wondered how I kept my “sparkle” …輝く

      You know, my joy for catching bugs, looking for wild creatures, bubbles, rainbows and laughing. I cannot believe I EVER wondered that. Sometimes when I’m asked my hobby…I say, if an 8-year-old would enjoy it, I enjoy it. 心の子供

      兄さん　My brother, who just turned 38…his wife got him a toy for his birthday. The package said 8+ years old. It was the perfect gift. When she sent me the picture of it, she said she got him what she would get any overgrown 10-year-old…or something of that sort. At that time, I realized, this is US!

      遺伝子

      This slideshow requires JavaScript.

      Maybe it’s a gene. My other brother, he is like that too. We love going outside after a rainfall and looking for worms, playing games together and laughing so hard at jokes that kids would laugh at.

      That’s what we do.

      I didn’t just keep my sparkle…it’s a trait that runs in the family. I think this is the greatest trait a person could ever have. You know there are good things that “run in the family” too.

      家族

      IMG_3306

      母と父　ありがとうございます

      I just finished a week of meditations about self-esteem. I thought about what factors contribute to a person’s self-esteem and what particularly have contributed to mine. You see, your self-esteem is almost solely created before you have the choice to make up your mind about yourself. The biggest benefactor is the people who raise you, for me, my parents. Not everyone has the same support that I had as a child…and those people have to work at changing their thought patterns and challenge the negative things that have been pounded into their head their entire life.

      I’m working on being present. It is easy for me to think about the future…and be filled with instant anxiety and worry.

      不安　The future is not happening now. Pull it together, this is NOW. Day by day.

      One of my favorite quotes that I’ve recently been reminded of is “Let go and let God”.

      手放す

      Let go. Let go. Let go. Sometimes the hardest thing and the best thing you can do are the same. At this point for me, the hardest thing and the right thing for me, is walking away. Removing myself from everything I’ve ever known and figuring out who I really am aside from a sister, daughter, friend, and Binger. The person that I will be when all else around me falls to an end. The person I will be when I’m standing alone. 一人で　The one thing I’ve never separated myself from before. The one thing I thought I’d never have to separate myself from.

      Setting fire to yesterday -Eminem

      NOVEMBER?! At that, the END of November?! Happy almost Thanksgiving.

      [I have to go back to this idea of addiction.] 開発する

      I thought alcoholism was something you were born with. You have it or you don’t. While that can be true, it isn’t always the case. Alcohol is addictive. The more you drink the more likely you are to become addicted. DUH. Why is that never talked about? Why do we learn about drugs and the danger of doing them, even once? ONE TIME. Why are we conditioned to fear illegal drugs…but if you choose not to drink, it means you are “recovering” or you are questioned about why you DON’T drink.

      酒

      I have friends that do not drink. When they tell me they don’t drink…my response has always been, “Wow, you are SMART”. I’ve always thought the choice not to drink is the best choice.

      download

      The past few years before Japan, I chose not to drink. I didn’t have the time to spend an entire day in bed the next day. I didn’t want to have to worry about how I would get home or where to leave my car. Most of all, if somebody needed me, somebody was drinking themselves, I wanted to be available to “save” them at any given moment.

      When I got to Japan…I had the time to spend in bed. I don’t have a vehicle to drive and in case of an emergency, there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m across the globe.

      I would call other people smart. I knew I could be smart like them…BUT going out on weekends and having a few drinks was fun for me. While I consider you smart for NOT drinking, I’d be ordering my next ビール.

      I don’t like the taste. I never have.

      I make stupid choices when drinking. You know why? Part of my brain SHUTS down. What in the hell.

      MCRR-1-116-1brain-735x394

      Why I drink:

      Alcohol loosens me up…

      The reality: The more I drink the less functional my brain becomes. The less brain function, the stupider the choices. Yep, I can do things I wouldn’t typically do because I’ve shut down the rational part of my brain. I wouldn’t typically do it because IT IS STUPID.

      If I wouldn’t usually do it, there is a reason for it. It’s probably not healthy or safe for me.

      I can be social:

      I can go out and be around people that I don’t know and I’ll never see again.

      Reality: I can be out for a few hours with people I don’t care about and will never see again…in exchange for an entire day in bed.

      4.0 1063 AL Alcohol and Body Effects Graphic_Female Preview

      Drinking makes me happy.

      Reality: Yeah, okay Rachel.

      You know what makes me happy? Kids. Armadillo hunting. A good cheeseburger. New experiences. Nature. Pralines and cream. Letters. Animals. Surprises and learning new things. Those are just a few things that make me genuinely happy. I wouldn’t even put drinking on my list of happies, EVER.

      As I’m learning about alcohol and what it does to your brain, it supports the reality of all the reasons I thought I was drinking.

      This Naked Mind- Annie Grace. If you want to control alcohol (instead of the other way around) or just be informed more…I highly suggest this. A friend suggested it to me. I think this may be the greatest gift you could give a friend. It is good knowledge to have. I don’t consider myself a person with a “problem”. I see how I went from alcohol free, to rarely drinking, to regular weekly drinking. I can see how my occasional drinking moved to more frequent binge drinking and how that could turn into a problem rather quickly.

      Things I have always known to be true:

      Alcohol is a dangerous monster. It ruins lives.

      Alcohol doesn’t make anything better.

      Alcohol takes more from me than it gives me. (Funny, if someone is not contributing to your life…why keep them in it…) If anything in life isn’t contributing good, Get. It. Out.

      Things I’ve learned: Alcohol isn’t talked about as a “drug”. It’s not in the same class as heroine or meth. But why isn’t it? It kills as many people. It devastates as many families if not more. I was reading some statistics from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism…Alcohol is the third leading PREVENTABLE cause of death in the United States. If you are reading this…you probably know somebody who alcohol has stolen from you. They might still be alive…but the person you know and love, that person isn’t. 88,000 people die a year from alcohol related deaths. Tobacco use and poor diet come before alcohol. In 2010, TWO THOUSAND TEN, a study was released by a group of scientists, that rated alcohol as the most harmful drug. More than 2x more harmful than cocaine or tobacco.

      怖い

      Do you know why I’ve never done cocaine? I’m too scared. But I wasn’t too scared to open my first beer.

      I should have been.

      Why isn’t beer illegal?

      I was never taught these things. I’m now looking for the research and the studies… and they are out there. The statistics aren’t out in the open for everyone to see. Not like the billboards in Montana that advertise the negative effects of meth and the lives it shatters.

      Alcohol is an addictive substance. No if and or but’s about it. If you drink for long enough…you will be addicted.

      Not everybody develops an addiction. The more you drink the more likely you will become addicted.

      Many people suffer from alcohol use disorders but the thought that this could be them hasn’t occurred to them.

      I am so proud of myself for never settling. For continuing to grow and find my happiness within myself. Settling would be staying in a relationship where I give more than the other. Anything in life where I am putting more time and energy into it than what I am getting in return.

      Why is it okay to have that relationship with alcohol? Why was it so easy for me to give alcohol my Friday nights in exchange for my entire Saturday?! Why could I give alcohol my clear decision making in exchange for regret and shame. Stupid. Just stupid. I gave alcohol too much and it has given me, literally, nothing. I have given to it and it has taken from me.

      成長

      Finished. Done. This is not to say that I’ll never have another drink. I’m taking some time to evaluate my relationship with alcohol and I am happy that I am. This also isn’t to say anything about somebody else’s drinking. I’m sharing where I am at in my life.

      秋

      I spent a day in Kyoto. It was wonderful. I found an artist that I love and I followed her to an art show the following weekend in Ashiya. I will go to one in Osaka in December. When I find things that I love…I really love them.

      She does wood burning. Mina_co is what she goes by! I have sent many gifts out that are her work. I have gotten myself some treasures from her too.

      img_2746img_2717img_2809

      11/13 BBQ dinner in Osaka 🙂

      11/16 I went to the cup of noodle museum! I got to make my own cup of noodles and later we took a class where we made our own NOODLES!!

      友だち

      img_2941

      池田

      When we got there, we got the cups-and we designed them 🙂

      After, we got to choose what we put in. (I ate mine last night and it was the BEST)

      It was a wonderful day.

      I met another new friend. Her name is the same as mine.

      趣味

      This slideshow requires JavaScript.

      レイチェルRachel taught me a new craft…resin. So…new hobby means new obsession. This craft might be the one I enjoy most. I’m excited to do more with it. It’s funny…Rachel and I have a lot in common. When we get to crafting, we craft hard and we love animals. So happy to have met you, my friend.

      It was really nice to have you girls here. I enjoyed laughing with you and getting to see new places. Most of all I enjoyed getting to know you more. Thank you for being you. ありがとう。

      新幹線　I head to Tokyo in 2 days! YAY for adventures with Ayano!

      This will be my first thanksgiving outside of the USA. Some very important birthdays have happened this month and are coming soon! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY NOVEMBER friends. Love you dearly. 愛

      I have to get a quick little plug out there to some people that I appreciate so very much in my life. Office staff. No matter what school I’ve been at…as a student or a teacher, I’ve always gotten along well with the office staff. I’ve created some of the greatest friendships in my life with the office staff. I’m so thankful for these wonderful people. At my new school…My friend made me these pressed flower cards to send out and a calendar for myself. I’m still adventuring with my friend from my previous school. AND I’m in contact with the wonderful women in Spokane too. The office staff…Love um, always. I appreciate your friendship and the job that you do. 秘書

      This slideshow requires JavaScript.

      A few last odds and ends of photos.

      楽しい enjoy 健康 health

      安全　safety 愛 love 幸運 fortune 運 luck

      This slideshow requires JavaScript.

      I’ve sent out a bulk amount of happy in the past week. As I was going through my address book I came across the names of friends who have moved, Liz who I have lost and relationships that have ended. Check your mail! I’ll be getting more out when I return from Tokyo.

      Spread Sparkle. Be kind. Give mean people grace, they need it most.

      Life changes, ready or not.

      Happy Healthy Free

      illie

       

    • Sad should never be wrapped

      Sad should never be wrapped

      Had I known how to save a life.

      I use to sing that song at the top of my lungs. I thought-wow this song is real. I’m sitting here now recalling the lyrics…I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life…but does that save a life? How many nights have you stayed awake to watch a person you love, sleep… Or been a partner in crime because being the right-hand man was better than feeling like not being anything at all. (I say “you” because it’s less alienating for me.) I’ve been trying to be a life jacket for people sinking, since I can remember.

      Do these people owe me anything? Absolutely NOT. Am I some super great person who saves lives? Nope. I am however, a human being who wants every person I encounter to know how abundantly loved they are.

      That’s the other difficult part of life. You hear in movies and on TV, you read it in books in motivational quotes…we cannot love someone else until we love ourselves. We cannot see the ever-flowing love that others have for us, until you care about ourselves. (I say “we” because it’s less alienating for you). I always say, [to people, friends, family, students] “You are loved”. I don’t often say, “I am loved”. I’m going to start saying that more.

      Before I moved to Japan my friend had a going away party for me, at her home. It felt like the first time in my life that people came together for me. Purely, for me. People came to love me. I still have a hard time with that. I think of it more as just people coming together, to share happiness. But that night as I looked around at the people who gathered, I felt and saw love.

      How do you help people who seem incapable of being happy? Are some people incapable of being happy?

      Anchors keep you in one place by weighing you down.

      When I get too involved in helping others, the anchor gets too heavy and we both start to sink. I’m not a life jacket. I’m a human.

      I’ve been pulled down, deep and one thing I’m not yet confident at is swimming back up alone.

      Many people like the anchor symbol in relation to family/life. I think I prefer a tree. Strongly rooted, morals and values run deep. But the outside and the surface level “stuff” changes with each day.

      People love trees. I love trees. I don’t love just one season of their beauty. I love their core. I think most people can agree on that.

      Trees are not expected to stay in bloom or keep their leaves, year-round. They lose their leaves and they are still perfectly strong and beautiful. Then, green begins to return and they are still unique and perfect.

      I taught a lesson about infinite worth to my students. I think I have written about this before, it’s a good enough experience to be shared again.

      My students were having a hard time respecting one another and just getting along. They were unable to make the right choices if I was not there to see it.

      I lined up with 5 adults from various life stages that worked at my school. Familiar faces to the children but they knew me best. 2 men and 3 women. Ages, 21-65. We each told my class about ourselves.

      Our accomplishments and our downfalls. What we considered to be the most important factors in life, that made us who we were, at the time.

      Then, I asked the students to line us up. Make a list beginning with who had the most worth. The person they thought was most important, to the least important.

      I had one student (that girl..wow) that said, this is not possible, it cannot be done.

      I forced her to do it.

      1. Mr _________
      2. Mr _________
      3. Mrs________
      4. ________
      5. Miss Binger

      Thinking back, I cannot remember if I was 4th or 5th. As the results came in and we lined up in the positions decided by 9 year old’s, I nearly dropped to my knees.

      I had spent 9 months with these children. These students I had been sharing my life with, my daily love and teachings, thought I was worth less than others.

      It didn’t matter where I was on the list. It was that so many kids had an easy time making this list. Students knew me best another woman BEST, and they thought the least of us, they thought we were less important than others.

      Through my tears I began to explain, every single person you meet in life has infinite worth. Every single person. That means that a college graduate is no better than a person who has/doesn’t have a GED. A person with children isn’t better than a person without. No body is better than another person.

      Like a tree.

      Trees are all different. Some I like more. Regardless, each tree has an unmeasurable amount of worth. A flower tree that is no longer blooming, a pine tree, a tree so small you could crush it on accident. There is an unimaginable amount of potential in every tree.

      There is an unimaginable amount of potential in every single person.

      Every single person has immeasurable worth.Infinite worth.

      This isn’t a moral I grew up with. It is one I am still learning. Once I heard the quote “every single person you ever meet has infinite worth” [Kent Hoffman] there was a shift in my heart.

      I would never judge a flower for any reason-I JUST LOVE FLOWERS.

      Why would I judge a person?

      I have never come to know a person that I didn’t like. The key words are come to know. Hearing the story of a person and their past is not a reason to judge them, it’s a gift of seeing how a person became who they are.

      5/27/19

      This morning I sat outside of my school on the stairs and cried. I sat here at my computer beforehand and I could feel it coming. There was no point in trying to delay the tears or fight them. It’s crazy. The people around me are busy and going on about there day I’m sitting here feeling half heart broken. [This too shall pass.] The last thing I want is someone to ask if I’m okay or what is wrong…but at the same time this is a new situation for me. Generally, I am a cry in private kind of person. Maybe even cry in the shower so I can’t differentiate between the water and tears. I am learning how to deal with feeling invisible. That is not something I would ever promote because my goal in life is to let all people know, “I see you”. However, it is important for me to realize that I will not always be seen and that is when I must rely on myself to be my greatest support. After all, I’m the only support that will always 100% of the time, be there. At this exact moment, I’m having a difficult time doing that.

      Last year, if I made it through the week without crying, it was a WIN. Now, here I am crying for that year and those children. Goodness, we had a tough year but boy, did we love fiercely and make the perfect family.

      I’ve been so happy to be here in Japan and learning how to be a better teacher and person that I haven’t felt what I’m feeling now.  I’ve been thinking about how 2 years in Japan isn’t long enough and how fast time goes.

      But maybe 2 years here is perfect. One year down and I’m crying for the children I was lucky enough to teach. This time of year is when my third grade family would really come together. I could see and feel the growth of those little humans and I would be so proud of how far we came, together. Academic growth but most importantly the growth of our hearts. Nothing made me happier than seeing a child help a friend up, give them knuckles for trying, or rebound the ball for a friend and let them try again. Here, I switch schools every six months. I have made some great relationships and come to know many students and I am grateful each opportunity here.

      To my past students: I miss you. You are a giant part of who I am and who I want to be. Thank you, for being you.

      5/31/19 summer is sneaking up.

      Students in Japan are out of school from July 20 until the End of August. Teachers have a FOUR DAY BREAK. FOUR DAYS. While students are on summer break I will have “office days”. These are days where I am in an office…by myself or potentially with another ALT.

      I am hoping to do two things this summer. See my new nephew in Texas and see my mom before/after her hip surgery. Those are two things that I NEED to do.

      Today is the last day of May. It is uncomfortable how fast time goes. June is a busy month. There are no days off school during June.

      I started eating healthy. I’d been doing that for about a week. I was eating non-processed food. [Mostly fish and veggies.] One night I decided not took cook and I had an adult beverage. The next day, I was dying. I think my body HATES pizza and adult beverages. I’ve never taken such time away from ANY food. I’ve always ate what I wanted to eat, when I want. When I woke up the next morning, my throat hurt, my lips were oddly, red and my body felt weak.

      Those things must be like poison to my body. I never knew though, because that is the way I have always eaten. Waking up with a headache, having a stomachache, feeling allergy like symptoms became my normal. Now, I must decide if food/adult beverages are worth an entire day of feeling physically, sick.

      I always joke that I figured out how to beat lactose intolerance. You just have to give your body so much of it that it becomes immune to lactose. I was eating a quart of ice cream a day. Eventually my stomach no longer hurt. When you can’t beat um, join um! Just do enough of it to where your body gets use to it.
      Just kidding. I did do that, but any health professional would say there is something the matter with me.

      I’m trying to stop taking Tylenol. I try to be preemptive with headaches and bite them before they consume me. 95% of days, I have a headache so I’ve adapted to taking Tylenol 100% of the days.

       

      6/3/19 Happy June.

      6/18/19 Oh my gosh. June is half way over.

      Where is time going? The past few weeks have been full of anxiety, tears and sleep-while trying to keep all the happies in clear sight.

      Last Friday, I went home and went to bed around 4pm. Not a nap, bed. I woke up the next morning around 8AM. I decided to get myself out of bed, even though staying in bed was clearly the easier choice.

      I rode by bicycle an hour to get to an Onsen. I was excited to relax and have some time to myself at a hotspring that was new to me. I walked in, proud of myself for biking there, locating it and doing it all by myself.

      Walked in and said “Onsen!” and the staff handed me the rules of the Onsen, in English. Wahoo.

      Half way through [skimming] I see no body paint…I was relieved…but then I read that statement closer. No body paint or tattoos allowed. I pointed to my “illie” tattoo and said, okay? The employee said no, sorry.

      I walked out, crying. I stood there crying for about 5 minutes-until the rain began to POUR. Not some light, no umbrella needed kind of rain. A kind of rain so hard that even cars were pulling over. My tears turned to a brief madness and before I knew it I was reminding myself to “dance in the rain”.

      My Brief madness was about being judged. Japan is very strict. Rules apply to every single person and nothing is ever situational. Sometime life requires you to hear a person’s story or situation in order to accommodate or help them to the best of your ability. Sometimes you must listen.

      I know that the rules are in place for a reason.

      I understand and respect that.

      It was a reminder to me that I appreciate compassion and empathy and a place where people are willing to look at the person in front of them.

      I had some dental work done about a week ago. It wasn’t as terrifying as I thought it would be, but it was still pretty stinking scary. I got the laughing gas for the first time in my life. I didn’t feel any more relaxed?

      I got some fillings removed and covered back up…until my appointment next week when I will get my princess crowns. The only crowns I’ll ever wear.

      6/25/19

      It’s the end of June. WHAT.

      Father’s day was last Sunday. Another day of the year that I adore. I try to celebrate my dad far more often than once a year-but I sent him some extra love VIA snail mail for father’s day. My dad has the hardest job of any person I have ever met. My parents’ job is never ending. There are no hours of rest or days without worries.

      Do you know all your parents want? Their greatest wish…

      It is to see their children happy.

      I have a whole lot of love for you dad. I have to reserve it for myself right now because my happy tank light is flashing, empty. For the record, I am happy. You and mom are the greatest team and I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am, without you.

      I’ve been missing home. I wanted to hug my mom and I have a friend who personally delivered her a hug within 24 hours of me asking. Terry, you have always been my Angel on Earth. I love you and appreciate all that you are. Thank you.

      A new Binger entered the ring on June 18th weighing in at a whole 8 pounds 4 ounces. Baby Jax is here. My newest/second nephew. This is my first summer not spending a month in Texas or with my first born nephew. Usually we spend a month dinking around, playing at the park and laughing together (until mom and dad get home, then he pretends he doesn’t know me).

      Last weekend I went to an Onsen with Sachiko and her family. Her daughter is heading to college in the states next week! We visited our last Onsen together…and they dressed me in Yukata!! It was a big happy for me. For all of us.

      We got burgers at one of our favorite places after. They restocked their stickers. I love their stickers…so I bought 30 of them…? As my dad would day “you went a little cooky didn’t you?” I sure did…and now I wish I would have bought more.

      I attended the Spokane/Nishinomiya sister city welcome party for students that are here from Spokane. I met Yuko there. We laughed, a ton.

      Afterwards we listened to live music and enjoyed an evening together. This, was a good day. Sunday, I watched students play volleyball. I love when I get the chance to see students play sports. I don’t remember a teacher ever coming to watch me play sports…but my dad was always there.

       

      Speaking of Angel’s on Earth…I lived next door to one most of my life. That woman, Liz, is so much more than a neighbor to me. My neighbor moved. Saying that sounds pitiful when I think of the situation. Liz wasn’t just my neighbor. She is a friend, grandmother, an open ear/shoulder, a support, a smile…and that’s just a few words to describe what she is to me. When I visit home I always make a visit to her. Now that she’s in a different state I’m going to have to find a little more time to squeeze in our porch visit…but I hope that I can. Love you Liz.

      I went back to finish my dental work yesterday.

      Guess who cracked the crowns during the fitting…

      This girl….

      I was just saying how I was starting to enjoy the dentist…I need to learn to just keep my mouth shut. Hah. Every man in my family has been trying to teach me that lesson for years.

      I must have cried for 3 hours yesterday. I felt bad that I cracked the crowns. I felt bad because my appointment was so long and I didn’t want to be in pain but I was. I was crying for so many reasons and the only way I got the tears to stop…was to walk. My friend Sachiko has spent HOURS with me at the dentist. Translating. She should be paid from both ends. Unfortunately, I couldn’t finish any of the work that needed to be done. I will go back and be put under to resume what was started. L

      My eyelids were swollen this morning and my head is still pounding. Nothing like a cry hangover to begin the day.

      Now that it is the end of June…I can tell you that nearly the entire month of June has kicked my butt. Looking back, it actually started in May.

       

      6/26

      Cried on the phone with my best friend yesterday.

      Got a package from my mama including hot tamales from my dad. Got a card from my sweet Kristy.

      I get sad that I can’t be at home to hug and cheer my parents up (be their sunshine). But my friend Sachiko said that the sun shines across the ocean and can still be felt even though I’m here. I loved that. But yesterday, I experienced that. My people in Spokane have been a big source of sunshine for me the past few days. Thank you for that. You have helped me and I feel your love. You have been a big part of getting out of bed in the morning.

      Tomorrow I get to celebrate YUCHAN’s BIRTHDAY!!!! In Japan, birthdays aren’t a big deal. I guess at home they really aren’t a huge deal either…

      But in Japan birthdays are almost nonexistent. I feel happysad to be celebrating people and making a big deal about their birthdays. Happy because I am glad I get to love/appreciate/celebrate them on their special day, but sad that I might be the first person to ever make a big deal about the day they were BORN.

      I think it is kind of exciting for my friends here. Excitement might not be the right word. But I think it is a new love that some are feeling for the first time.

      Birthdays of loved ones…the greatest holiday of the year.

       

      Some happies:

      Firefly hunting (looking)

      Seeing students playing in the river, shoes off, laughing

      Package from home

      Letters from friends

      7/3/19

      Happy July. At the end of this month I will have been in Japan for an entire year. I’m still trying to figure out where my heart and mind are at. Life doesn’t usually kick my butt like it is right now.

      I went to Awaji Island for the weekend and had an incredible time. I got to spend time with children which can heal anybody’s hurts.

      I’m trying to say yes to as many opportunities as I can. I will go to a few upcoming festivals and spend time with friends.

      The easy thing to do is go home and go to bed. Which I’ll admit…some days I do. But, I’m trying not to.

      Got put out for my dental work a few days ago. I remember it still hurting a little. I have one more appointment left and the work in that area of my mouth is finished. I’m pretty friendly with the staff at my dentist now. They have seen me laugh, cry, sleep…they know me well.

      I have yet to wrap this blog up because there is no good way to wrap up sad.

      July I am looking forward to the star festival, a trip to Kyoto, my dad’s birthday, an adventure with new friends and hopefully some time to reflect, grow, let go of anger, and find myself again.

      Also, I have shaved half of my head…. 😮

      Glad to be living where the sun always rises.

      illie.

      Come on Rachel. Let’s do this.

    • Because I have changed

      Because I have changed

      4/10/2019

      Entrance ceremony was today. If you have never heard of or seen an entrance ceremony, you need to google it. The gym is decorated and parents, students and staff welcome new students (1st graders). The band is playing, everybody claps for an extended period of time while the new class members walk in. There are flowers, music, clapping, and speeches to welcome the new students. I’ve never seen anything like it. The beginning and end of things are celebrated here-many ceremonies.

      I’ve been going to the river each day after work to admire the cherry blossoms. I can’t get enough of the beauty and happiness of a single cherry blossom. I always say that babies bring people together. I find magic in a variety of things but especially in babies.

      Children have the power to bring families together and put sparkle back in people that have lost it. There is joy, love and happiness that stems from the presence of children.

      In Japan I see this exact magic in cherry blossoms.

      There are people sitting below cherry blossoms in every direction. I hear laughter, camera shutters, cans opening and the running river. I see couples, families, friends and children all enjoying the company of one another. People are eating, drinking, playing games and people are genuinely, happy.  I even see people like me, enjoying the beauty by themselves.

      I feel magic. Sakura season brings people together.

      There are these poles that I imagine are to keep cars of walking paths. They are about three feet tall. I have nearly walked into them while I’m looking up at the flower trees. (My dad has experience with these…I learned from his mistake.)

      I’m headed to Wakayama this weekend. I’m excited to go back.

      I went to Yuasa, Wakayama all of Saturday, stayed the night and headed home early on Sunday. Check out was at 10:00 AM and I started to feel an intense sick feeling around 9. I walked the beach in hopes that fresh air, crystals and shells would help whatever this feeling was, pass. I also wasn’t going to miss out on one last beach comb, even if I did feel miserable.

      The train I planned on taking home was cancelled. HAH. Of course it was. My two hour journey…took six hours. At one point I was suppose to switch trains. I missed that opportunity and took an hour detour. Oops.

      4/23/19

      Next week is a holiday in Japan. Golden week. I heard before moving here how big of a deal golden week is. However, this year it is extra special. For the first time in 50 some years there will be 10 days off in a row! You know what that means.

      Father will be here.

       

      5/10/19

      Hard to believe that Golden Week has already come and gone. I’ve been back at work for an entire week.

      5/13/19

      Quick flashback of April.

      Cherry blossoms.

      School party.

      Nishinomiya Storks basketball game.

      Old Spaghetti factory

      chipped tooth

      Chichi arrived

      Treasure stores

      Tigers game

      May:

      Osaka Aquarium

      Nishinomiya Marina Celebration-new Emporer

      Beach days at Suma

      Shell collecting and crab hunting

      Dentist x2

      img_6964

      Little China Town

      Nishinomiya beach-Kite flying and crab hunting

      This day-my dad used his famous reverse psychology. “You can’t ride your bike through the sand.”

      Tell me I can’t and I’ll show you I can.

      Which I did…until the sand got too deep and I had this terrible, horrible, slow motion fall, into the sand. I was laughing too hard to get up and my bike was on top of me. My dad was watching from afar. After being on the ground laughing for a few minutes, a woman came and pulled my bike off of me. I was laughing from embarrassment and because falling off your bike is always funny, as long as you are okay. Then a group of children came and asked me if I was okay.

      Children’s day

      Dad left

      I go to a Special Education school once a month. The teachers are some of the best I have ever seen. The way they care for the students and know each one is inspiring.

       

      All sorts of new things at Mikura, in Kobe. I went to this amazing restaurant with my friend, Ayano. [When my bag didn’t make it to Japan, Ayano was the one who helped me at the airport-that is when our friendship began.] We went to her parents restaurant where I tried food I never thought I’d EVER eat.

      I started by trying those tiny little [whole] squids and the fish with the skin. There was clam, squid, octopus, tuna and many more finely prepared fish. It was displayed beautifully and prepared by Ayano’s family. Her parents are the owners of this fabulous place. The tempura was the best I have ever had. Maybe, the best food I have ever had.

      When I experience new things like this-I feel like a child. I am surprised and in awe. My facial expressions and the sounds I make, are a show for people to watch. Which I don’t mind…I love when I see a children experiencing something for the first time. I’d enjoy watching me too, where the same joy, surprise and happiness that is displayed by a five year old can be observed in a 29 year old who is just seeing a new world, for the first time.

      Sei Tai-massage, muscle stretching, chiropractic work. AMAZING.

      Out and about. Met new friends and a furry one 🙂

      And this brings us to present day. Mother’s Day in the USA.

      7e97d711-3d12-44f1-a3b5-0f4fa0693072

      I know many wonderful mothers. Grandmothers who are mothers for the second time ‘round. People who care for children that may not call them, mom. I celebrate many people today, but most of all, my own Mama.

      Mom’s are so busy with life and children that it seems like it would be easy to forget:

      you have a little human who wants to be just like you.

      I remember having the thought when I was younger-how can we all call an amazing, caring, loving, woman by the same name?  How can every single mother, be called mom?? How can I call my mom by the same name everybody else uses for their mom?!

      I thought that each mom should have a name that is special to her, because each mom is special.

      But it isn’t the name that is special. It is the woman behind the name.

      Some people don’t associate the word mom with love, sunshine, happiness, flowers, support, animals, and joy-like I do. When I say I want to be a mother-I don’t mean I simply want a child.

      I want to be that deep rooted starshine for a child. I want to be my mom, for my own. My mom brings sunshine to not only my life, but all who know her. I have the pleasure of saying, “I’m just like my mom, we love everything and anything makes us happy”. I can only hope that one day I have a child who loves me as much as I love my mama. My mom would read to me until I fell asleep. She would get me my favorite popsicles when I was sick. When I need to know how to cook chicken [or anything] I still call her. When I don’t know what to eat for dinner, I call my mom and she decides.

      img_6931

      We laugh. My mom refills my heart. I miss you mama and I wait for your time in Japan.

      Happy Mother’s Day, Mama.

      I’m missing my favorite time of year in Spokane. I love when the grass is greener than ever and all that was sleeping during the cold is coming back to life. I’m already dripping sweat here.

      I have a daily battle with my hair. I like to have it up high so it’s off my neck-but when it is up high I can’t wear my ball cap. [Therefore, they made visors.] However, I have not yet brought myself to get one. I guess I’ll do that this week. The thought of shaving my head has also crossed my mind a dozen times, but I’m too scared to just do it.

       

      I’ve began to experience a different kind of joy, love and life that is new to me.

      The more I love life and myself, the more life loves me back.

      My thoughts shape my days. I’ve always been a positive person, maybe more so on the outside. Now I radiate happy because I’m positive on the inside. I guess my way of thinking has changed which is changing me.

      This reminds me. My dad’s first visit here, we were talking with somebody about my first month here. I was explaining how people never smiled at me or said hello. They told me, “just wait, in a few months everybody will be saying hello and talking to you”. I thought…Hmmh, maybe they just have to see me around the neighborhood enough and be comfortable with me before the conversations begin.

      9 months later, I don’t go out the door without seeing a student or saying hello to somebody. I told my dad this and he saw it when he was here. We thought of what the man had said about everybody saying hello in a few months.

      My dad said something along the lines of,

      “I don’t think it’s because the people here changed, I think it’s because you changed”

      Holy goodness. How powerful is that?

      Because I’ve changed.

      Yesterday, I went to my favorite Ramen Shop. Really just my favorite place in Japan. There was one seat open, in between two strangers. 10 months ago, I would have left. Yesterday, I squeezed right up in there without hesitating.

      As I sat there, I thought…this is where it all began.

      My first day in Japan. Rai Rai Tei is where it all started.

      img_6898-1

      My change.

      My love for Shirohige and Onepiece.

      img_0302

      My appreciation for unspoken communications.

      My love for Japan and myself.

      Yesterday when I sat down, the employee pointed to what I always get and I said, “yes”. This is the majority of our communication. Yet, I love these people, the restaurant and I am comfortable here. We have never communicated in one another’s language, but we communicate. I look forward to seeing the staff and I feel welcome. I enjoy everything about this place and I go at least once a week. This is a special place for me. This new happiness, it began, there.

      There are so many point cards used in Japan. I am a proud card holder for two craft stores and a mall.

      The super nintendo is different for foreigners. The one they use here looks different.

      Mother’s Day is not as big of a deal as it is in the USA.

      Students are having a trial week. They are all out at different jobs, seeing what it is like for a week, in a work place!!

      I am going to be helping some elementary students learn English a few times a month.

      For the amount of time I have spent studying Japanese, you would expect me to be fluent. I’m uh…beginner level. Japanese is DIFFICULT.

      I use a calendar now.

      I’ve stayed up a few times until the sun comes up-who knew I was such a youngster still. I didn’t know I had that in me.

      I stopped using my heat about a month ago. I started leaving my windows open…Now I think it is going to stay cooler if I keep everything shut!

      Students here have 220 days of school, compared to our 180.

      Students have club activity on weekends, which means teachers do too. One day off a week (maybe) for most teachers.

      When I get home, I take my shoes off without thinking about it.

      Chopsticks are easier to use for some foods-like noodles.

      Most students are seeing green eyes for the first time, when they see mine. My skin is finally starting to clear!! YAY!

      img_6978

      I’m in need of some new shorts now that summer is arriving. Even in the USA I hate shopping for shorts/janes. Finding a good fit is rare. Here, I have not had the energy to look, yet. However, the rising temperatures will force me to, soon.

      img_6765img_6762img_5936img_5931img_67177b0d8460-fed3-4cff-b5bd-3e8bff018743img_6686img_6664

      illie

       

    • Memories in the making

      3/12/19img_5187.png

      These are some quotes I have come across, that made me feel something.

      Hugging is the most beautiful form of communication that allows the other person to know beyond a doubt that they matter.

      It is hard for me to understand why people don’t hug here. To hug once a day would improve the mind, body, and soul.

      If you want something you’ve never had, then you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.

      The only person you should be better than, is the person you were yesterday.

      When you are counting the blessings and beautiful things in your life, don’t forget to count yourself.

      It’s ok. You just forgot who you are. Welcome back.

      Feel.

      img_5011
      feel.

      I feel everything. I always have. I’ve encountered situations in my life where I thought it would be easier to feel nothing instead of uncomfortable pain.  It would be easier. 

      Something I begin teaching children at the young age of 8 is:

      Don’t take the easy way out.

      When you begin taking the easy way out, it becomes a habit. The easy way out has a wide range of meanings. It could mean: Sleeping in for 30 extra minutes [instead of going for that run you SWORE you would go on]. Drinking coffee [instead of the water bottle on your desk you’ve been staring at all day]. Not drinking liquid/water [because you hate having to go to the bathroom frequently]. Saying no to new things. Not trying. Putting the pencil down when learning is difficult. Walking up the hill because the burn from riding is just too much.

      At some points in my life, I enjoyed the easy route. It was never the path designed or designated for me…but I chose it. Last week I’ve taken the easy way out in each example I gave…However, today, I have only had water. I did sleep in an extra 15 minutes [instead of 30] this morning but I WILL make up for that this evening. [For the record…I didn’t make up for it. I took a nap and then when to bed].  The easy way out for me, is keeping to myself, eating cheeseburgers and ingesting caffeine. Unfortunately, the easy way out often brings instant gratification as well as short-term happiness. The easy way out is a form of distraction, keeping us from successfully DOING what we want to DO.

      I feel, deeply.

      I love largely.

      3/13/19

      After work I laid down for a quick recharge. What was supposed to be a thirty-minute nap turned into a 2 hour sleep. When I woke up, I was frazzled. My wall clock said 7:45. That meant I had 15 minutes to get dressed and out the door for work. [I don’t know why I was worried…Most days I’m out the door within 20 minutes of waking up.] I had to double-check the time by looking at my watch. I then had a 3rd and 4th confirmation by looking at my phone twice. I couldn’t figure out how long I slept for, I think that is why I panicked. Was I sleeping for 12 hours, a whole day, a week?! Once logic kicked in I wondered why it was dark out and why I was still wearing my clothes that I wore to work…

      It was 7:45 pm,  SUCH a special treat. I like to think this only happens when you are having the greatest nap of your life which explains why this hasn’t happened to me in YEARS. Got up, ate [duh] and went back to bed. Today is Wednesday and I am finally feeling well rested from the weekend. My friend has a house in Sasayama. We went out there in search of wild animals. I saw 0 but the company was great so no disappointment.

      We went to an onsen which has got to be one of my favorite Japan activities. Onsens are Japanese hot springs. The experience is similar to a public bath but the onsens have indoor bathing and outdoor. Onsens use natural hot water from geothermally heated springs and this is what makes them different from public baths which are heated tap water.

      About 50 % of onsens have banned bathers with tattoos. This was done to keep gang members out. Some people are granted entrance with tattoos, if tattoos are covered. I have not been to an Onsen yet that is tattoo-friendly but I hope to visit one sometime. My goal is to visit as many onsens as I can while I am in Japan.

      The experience of an onsen is an interesting one. This wouldn’t be my usual goal, comfort zone, or enjoyment. When you go to an onsen you get a locker. Here, you undress [completely]. You then wash your body/hair before getting into a small pool sized hot spring. During this time there are a number of people doing the exact same thing you are. When I walk in, the nakedness startles me but before I know it I’m walking around in my birthday suit too.

      I don’t know that I would do this in the USA. People would be staring, comparing and judging. I don’t know that I would want to go do this activity with my friends at home either.

      Here, it is a normal and enjoyable activity. It’s not strange to be walking around naked or sharing a space with naked strangers. I’ve been to hot springs in Idaho…but everyone wore their swimsuits in it. I appreciate the tradition behind onsens and the rich experiences I have at them.

      I’ve decided that I will go to Kyoto for the weekend. I’m ecstatic. I am going to stay in a hostel. I’m going to be staying in a place other than my own, by myself, for the first time. I’m trying to fulfill my needs of adventure, exploration and personal growth.

      03/18/2019

      I left Friday after school for Kyoto. What should have been an hour and a half commute ended up being about a three-and-a-half-hour commute. I got on 2 wrong trains. Learning experience. I checked in at the hostel Friday night and walked around town. Saturday, I went to my first world heritage site, Nijo Castle. I made a round at Nishiki Market, went in a hedgehog café and ended up walking in total about 15 miles.

      Sunday was similar walking wise. I spent hours at the Kyoto City Zoo. It was raining so their were few people wandering around and I was happy to be seeing the animals so the rain didn’t bother me.

      This was my first time staying in a hostel. Imaya hostel in Kyoto was superb. The most important feature of any place for me is that I feel safe. I felt safe the entire time and I was comfortable. This was probably some of the best sleep I’ve gotten while in Japan and I was in a cubicle like space in the bottom “shelf”. I LOVED it. Now that I have made it out for a weekend adventure by myself, I am excited for my next. This might be an every weekend type of activity…once I return from seeing my mama. Shortly after my mama got out of the hospital for blood clots, she was in a car accident. WHAT IN THE WORLD. After hearing that I decided it was necessary to go home and hug my mama. Cherry blossom season is coming in beautifully. I hope to not miss the peak of the season when I am visiting home.

      I have 2 days left at the junior high I am at. Two days with some of the most wonderful humans I have come to know in Japan. The students (are too old to call kids but too young to call friends) are so special to me. I want to be a high school teacher eventually, but junior high is a special time. I wonder how it compares with USA middle school. I said goodbye to staff and students today in an assembly. Students gave me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers that I have ever received!

      Students who I have seen out and about or even at school that I have taken photos with are printing them and putting them on cards. They are the most thoughtful and lovely gifts that I will cherish forever. I love my job. I was crossing my fingers that I wouldn’t cry when I finish up here. Now, I’m wondering why I thought of it as a negative thing. I may or may not cry. If I do though, it is because the people I have met and the place I have been have a place in my heart. Crying is not a weakness.

      4/1/19

      I have been back in Japan for less that 24 hours. I spent a loving 9 days in Spokane with my family and friends. I slept with the dogs, stayed up all hours of the night with my mom and putted around town to see as many friends as I could. Now I understand why my brother never wanted to tell people when he would be in town…there isn’t enough time to see everyone that you want to. My last day at school before I headed to the USA, I attempted to sneak out without having to say goodbye. A few friends caught me, forcing me to say, see you soon.

      The reason I was able to go home is because my brother works for United Airlines. Due to the cost and time off that I have to take, I wouldn’t be able to afford it if I was paying full price. On my way home, I was planning to take a detour to Texas, for a day. I should have known that the flights would be full the day of my arrival. Flying standby has been a Rosethorn. I’ve spent an unimaginable time in the San Francisco Airport. I’ve even spent nights there. I got home just in time to snuggle the dogs while the three of us fell asleep.

      My first stop after seeing my family, was to the school that I teach at. I spent 2 days of my 9 there. I could have spent more.

      That place is where a job became my life, a staff became my family, and students became my children.

      I got to see some of my children and remind them of how loved they are.

      I was able to be home for the last day of TAG. Four years ago, I got lucky enough to join 4 friends who play grown up tag every March. This game of tag keeps the five of us connected even though we are all now at different schools and different stages in life. Each year the game gets more intense. Throughout the month of March, the person who is it is recognized by the lanyard they have, with a duck on it. When tagging a person, you must pass the lanyard off to the next person. Whoever is it on the last day, is “IT” for the rest of the year.

      36520849_10156490554464686_2809900688899833856_o

      If you know me, you know I LOVE BIRTHDAYS. Birthdays are the best holidays. I especially love my birthday. I don’t often hear people say they enjoy their own birthdays. It seems like it is kind of selfish to say, but why wouldn’t you love your own special day?! I spent my birthday with my family and concluding this years game of tag. I usually send my mama flowers on my birthday. I think my birthday is a special day for my mama. I mean it is the day she gave birth…the day she brought me into this world. Shortly after my birthday I departed for Japan. This was the first time that I cried when leaving home.

      I’ve been back in Japan a week and haven’t slowed down a bit (minus the night I laid down for a nap at 5pm and woke up the next day at 5am). I’ve been moving furniture and cleaning up the last remains of winter and the mold brought by the humidity.

      I put my winter clothes away and got out my summer clothes. People here are still wearing jackets and I’m down to short sleeves and jeans! This is the most wonderful time of the year.

      It is Sakura season right now. Sakura=Cherry blossoms.

      I adventured to Nara and stayed in a hostel for a night.

      I went to a restaurant where I was having dinner (alone). When I attempted to pay the man told me that the men who walked out before me, paid my tab. This random act of kindness made me HAPPY. I tried to catch the men to thank them, but when I got outside they were gone. I do things like this at home. I guess I haven’t done it here because of the language barrier. When going out with friends or eating dinner people generally pay separately and only pay for their meal. That is what made this so surprising.  Happy Happy. The next day I stopped at a ramen shop for lunch. As I sat at the counter, in between two strangers, I couldn’t help but smile.

      I am happy to just be me.

      I am happy to go out to a ramen shop alone and eat a delicious meal next to strangers. I enjoy walking around new cities by myself maybe even more so than with the company of others. I’m loving the time I spend with myself. A year ago, I would have told you that I hate to be alone and I hate spending time with myself. Heck, 6 months ago I probably would have told you that. Up until this point in my life, I avoided spending time with myself. I didn’t like myself enough to be my only company for hours YET days on end. I am proud of myself. I don’t think that thought has ever crossed my mind before now.

      When I got back to Nishinomiya, my bike had a flat tire. I needed to get a valve cap for my tire. I went to a bike shop and the man fixed it and said no charge! It has been a feel good week.

      4/8/2019

      Yesterday, I went with my friend Yuko to admire the cherry blossoms around Shukugawa. It was AMAZING. The river banks and walkways were covered with picnickers. It was heartwarming to see how the cherry blossoms in bloom bring people together.

      img_5446img_5455img_5477img_5461img_5452img_5402

      Today is my first day at my new school. The first day back to school for students and the start of a new school year. The new teachers were introduced at the opening ceremony and we each had a short speech. Guess what? I have a pant suit on. I don’t despise it like I thought I would.

      The things I once thought were outrageous and surprising about Japan I no longer notice. (No trash cans and yards. All the bicycles and bike parking.) I’m starting to feel less like a foreigner and more like a person who lives in Japan 🙂

      [I put XO on the chalk board here. A students said, X, zero? I love sharing things like this…language that I never would have thought was unknown. ]

      Until next time,

      illie

    • Beverly Hills, 90210

      Beverly Hills, 90210

      Time…the only thing that never stops.

      A flyer was hanging in the staff room where I was teaching third grade. That was 2.5 years ago when I applied to be an ALT in Japan. The first year, I did not get the job. I was devastated. January came around, 2018 and I thought…I’m going to try one more time. I applied and interviewed for the same position. February 4th of last year I received the call that I was chosen for this job. 13 months ago (almost to the day) the excitement began.

      [13 months later-current day 日本]

      People don’t say “Happy Valentine’s Day” here. My dad and I went out for sushi. It was his first time EVER having sushi…he loved it. I couldn’t figure out how to order what I wanted. I asked for help (which I would have never done before) so I know I’m getting braver. Much like Christmas, Valentine’s day felt like just a regular day here. I always liked Valentine’s day-not because it’s all about romantic love but because it is about spreading love. I celebrate Valentine’s day with my students in America. We all make Valentine’s for each other.

      img_20170205_160604

       

      I remember being a kid, excited to pick out a special Valentine for each person. In the Valentine boxes you would get a few Valentines that were clearly messages for the person you found cute, the teacher and your best friend. I wonder if I was the only person who put special thought into who got what Valentine-at such a young age?

      My dad has already been gone 2 (almost 3) weeks.  I had an incredible time. I enjoy when he is here because it forces me to get out and explore. Sometimes, I prefer sleeping all day and not changing out of my pajamas. I hate to do that when I am in Japan…when my dad is here I know there will never be a day spent at home in pajamas. I like that.

       

      We spent at least one week trying to find a place we had been…a crazy busy place with lights, people, shops and barely enough space to cross the road comfortably. After going to Osaka for the 3rd time trying to find this exact street…I remembered we had to take a subway to get to this secret location. Okay, it’s not a secret. It is Namba. A place more packed than I have ever been. This ended up being a BIG day for us. Maybe too big…We were out and biking or walking for at least 12 hours and by the time we got we were BEAT, hurting and unable to move. The next day my dad departed and it took him nearly 24 hours to get back home. Me, I went to bed at 7pm.

       

      I’m trying to find the motivation myself, to get out and explore on weekends even without somebody here to explore with. I hate the feeling like I am wasting time and missing out on new experiences when I stay home for an entire weekend. This weekend I NEEDED to stay home to have a leak fixed in my apartment. Sunday, I did get out and go spend a day at the zoo. I had that happysad feeling while I was there.

       

      That has never been a feeling I get at the zoo but I have never been to the zoo alone. I spent a lot of time watching each of my favorite animals. Some seemed happy as ever and others seemed lonely. I saw emotions in animals that I feel myself.

       

      Animals are too good for people, but we need animals. I have loved animals since I was a young child. I’m thinking about my dogs right now. Dogs are the only friends/family that never let us down. They are the only living beings that will be excited to see you each and every time you come home, whether it has been 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 years. Thinking about the bond people create with dogs is incredible. The bond dogs create with people is incredible. I got my first very own dog, Sawyer, after we lost our greatest family member of all, Winnie.

       

      She was the best dog I’ll ever know. I got Sawyer and my mom got Barkley, the cutest brothers of all. When Sawyer was a puppy he was goofy, playful, the best snuggler and (still is) my biggest love. Barkely, he’s a lover, napper, jacket loving sweetheart, with the best smile. Our first dog that has ever, SMILED!

       

      When Sawyer was/is sick, I felt/feel sick. When I was sad, Sawyer was sad. when I was happy, Sawyer was happy. When Sawyer was hurt, my heart hurt. If Sawyer doesn’t like somebody…chances are I won’t either.

      It is beyond words to describe the relationship that a human can make with a canine.

      In Twilight, the Vampires-they choose one. What do they call it, imprinting? It’s like a dog chooses one human to love and protect for all of their existence.

       

      It’s like my dog is here to do this hardest thing in the world…love me unconditionally, every day, for his entire life.

      37550540_10156532811394686_4812004336789880832_o

      I miss people, hugs, driving, ketchup and ranch with my fries…but most of all, I miss my dogs.

       

      The hardest part of being away from home, is being away from the dogs. I’ve said this several times. Mostly to myself. I was somewhat embarrassed of the statement. Then today I realized, why would I be embarrassed for loving my dogs unconditionally, the way that they love me?!

       

      The hardest thing about missing animals is that there is no way to communicate with them. Over any technology, the voice is unrecognizable. I have no way to let them know that I didn’t leave them…I love them and I miss them. I’m ashamed that I was uncomfortable with saying out loud that most of all, I miss my pets.

       If you have never felt the love and friendship of a dog and cannot understand my feelings, I’m sorry for you. Dogs are a miracle sent from above.

       

      In a month, I will be moving to a new school. In a week, 9th grade students will be done with junior high. Preparing myself for the high possibility that I will cry at graduation. I remember listening to Vitamin C-graduation song after each graduation (6th grade, 8th grade, 12th grade). Beginning with my first graduation in elementary school-I cried. Since I have been teaching, at the end of each school year, I cry. It’s the leaving part.

      20170326_110439

      I’m not afraid of where I’m headed. I’m sad about what I’m leaving.

      Transitions are happy, sad, scary, exciting and inevitable. I recognized this at a young age and I still feel the exact same about change.

      I’m going to miss the students and staff here. Every six months, ALT’s switch schools. That means, a new bike ride, new staff, new students. HappySad.

       

      Last week I send out 10+ letters. I’ve got a few post offices that I am a regular at. However, I FORGOT to stop on my way home on this day. I had to go to the main post office that is open late. While trying to send off my letters the employee was telling me no. Now, I understood what she was saying. No problem. However, I send mail out at least once a week and never had trouble before. I was sending my brother a bell. She said goods and letters/writing cannot be sent together. It ended up being more of a task than it should have been. I opened the perfectly sealed mail to show her the bell. There was a sticky note on the bell-which I had to take off in order to send the bell. So-since you won’t get the sticky note…here it is.

      img_4287

      Do you know what one of my friends said to me the other day when I asked for their address to send a letter…Why don’t you send a text message? No, no no no. In my opinion these forms of communication are not comparable. I’d much rather put my time and love into something that will brighten your day and make you smile when you least expect it rather than a text message which we all get, daily. I believe in crazy, stupid, love and I believe in the magic of letters. I’ve been sending letters all around the USA and I sent one to England too! Making my way around. What I enjoy most about sending mail, is knowing that you got it…

       

      My time alone has resulted in self-reflection.

      I’m learning that not everything I think about myself, is true. I am looking back at where I was and how I ended up “me”.

      This was sparked by a letter I wrote to my Lucy Lu. She is a friend I’ve had for 13 years now. I was thinking about when we first met, in high school. Holy goodness, life seemed hard at that time. Life was hard at that time. What I remember most about when we became friends, is the pain. At sixteen, I thought my life had to be the hardest life ever lived. Seems like an exaggeration and I wish it was, but I really did think my life was more difficult than most. At the time I had people who told me it would be okay, and this too shall pass. At the time, I didn’t know they were right.

       

      THEN 18-20 years old
      NOW
      16 years old
      28 years old

      Sure, my problems were all due to my own actions, thoughts, and decisions but I didn’t know that. Being the cause of your own pain doesn’t make the pain hurt less. People told me that one day I would thank the man upstairs for the route my life took. Now, I understand. Had my life gone the way I wanted it to at that time…I never would have moved to Arizona, I wouldn’t be in Japan…and I wouldn’t have the heart, understanding and appreciation for other people that I do now.  I think we become what we want to be, because of who were.

       

      I was mean. Now, I would like to think I am one of the most genuinely kind people out there.

      I hated. Now, I love deeply and freely. When you love, there is less pain, hurt and sadness.

      I bullied. Now, I have no tolerance for it and I can help on both ends of the situation.

      I lied. I’m as honest as can be.

      Dignity? Now I do the right thing even when no one is looking.

      There is a reason life doesn’t go the way we “want” it to.

      img_4444img_4504

      One thing that hasn’t changed is my anxiety. I’m going to be intentional about trying to change my thoughts. Last week, my mom text me, “goodnight love you” and I responded with “Love you more”. Next message I got was, “No, not possible, I am in the hospital blood clots”. I was in the middle of a store, holding a ballcap that said “smile”. I dropped it as I read the message and said, “WHAT” loud enough for the whole store to hear me. I placed the hat back on the shelf and left the store to call my mama.

      This is a prime example, where I might book a flight back home before even knowing what is happening. My mom had been there for the day and I had no idea. Nobody told me…Can you believe that?! (Joke..)

      Ignorance is bliss.

      I hate being uninformed, but I also hate being informed. I did a better job this time of controlling my panic and it helped that my mom waited until she knew what the problem was, to tell me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have made it out the door that day. It is hard for me to function in the mist of the unknown. Mama will be okay and is back home. POSITIVE thoughts.

       

      I keep seeing the forecast in Spokane, SNOW, cold temps…and I’m here starting to drip sweat on bike rides.

       

      Snow there…fake snow machine here. img_4347

      Evening bike rides are a highlight of my day. It feels like the fall evenings in Spokane. It reminds me of being a child. It is the perfect temperature for playing hide in seek around the neighborhood in a t-shirt. The air has autumn like briskness in it. Or maybe it is more like the beginning of spring. Still a little winter coolness in the air, but the sunshine is bright and bringing nature back to life. I think that is my all-time favorite part of the year. After winter, when the squirrels start coming out to play, the birds chirping wakes you up and the flowers, OH-the flowers.

      Seeing children outside playing baseball brings me joy. It reminds me of playing catch in the street out front of my parents’ house and the point game at hutton with the boys. My dad would hit baseballs and say how many points the catch was worth. Whoever caught the ball, got the points. Kind of like flies up, with points. I was just there to catch the occasional 100point sissy hit that was hit just for me. I’ve seen this played (rarely) since I was a child…but I was sure that was a game invented by the Binger’s.

       

       

      My entire life I thought my family was the original owner of multiple sayings, mannerisms and customs. Now, when I see other people doing these things I discover that it is not a Binger Invention.

      I got to go to Sasayama which is country side here in Japan! It was beautiful and incredible. I am looking forward to my next trip out there. I am craving stars and wild animals. I haven’t seen the stars since I moved here and I’m still on the prowl for some wild animals (with racoon dog and wild boar at the top of my list).

       

       

      I ate duck and snail. A slug with a shell. Not my style but I had to try it (a second time).

       

      No middle names here. Japanese have a first name and family name.

      I stopped biting my nails.
      I got my first haircut by myself. I didn’t realize how long my hair is…I cut enough off that it now feels short…even though it’s still longer than I use to keep it. About time for me to go super short.

      Finally finished a quilt for my nephew. Made with love and made in JAPAN! [He got it today! YAY]

      Happy March! My favorite month. Strange that the school year is coming to an end, IN MARCH. A student gave me the most thoughtful, heartwarming, gift that I have to share with the world. I let this student borrow a book, “HedgeHugs”. A book about hedgehogs who have to learn how to hug without hurting each other. She knows that I LOVE hedgehogs…and she made these most precious, cute, hedgehogs that I adore. She also made a “reasons why I love you book”. I’ve never received a gift so thoughtful or loving. I am so lucky to have this job.

      Someone asked me last week…if I woke up with my dream job, what would it be…

      My answer…I’m doing it. A teacher.

      Gratitude.

      Lastly-Rest Easy Luke Perry. Believe it or not-some of my most important life lessons came from this man in 90210. 90210 is another thing in life that has never let me down. It has supported me in happy times and in some of the worst. To my first heart throb.

      illie

      57172012132__0a8e5cdc-5560-4b49-a539-8ff8797e20e6

       

    • Waiting for Tragedy

      January has come and gone with a quickness that most months do. Some days go slow, but the weeks go fast and the months disappear without notice.

      I’ve spent (the shortest) 6 months of my life in Japan. This being said, 6 more months was not going to be long enough for me to accomplish all that I hope to. I am excited to say, I have 18 months left here in Japan! Someone asked me my new years resolution and I nearly laughed…I don’t exactly believe in NY resolutions. I think everyday is a new beginning. But this year, I want to explore and travel Japan.

      I didn’t ride my bike for almost two weeks. When I got back on my bicycle for my ride to work…an 11 minute bike ride took me 20 minutes. By the end of the week I was able to get the ride down to 14 minutes… Lesson: Taking breaks from anything makes you weaker.

       

      My sewing obsession has followed me to Japan. I have a newfound love for beads now too. My bead collection is bigger than it was when I was a child, making 100  bead long string necklaces…IMG_3145

       

      Hello Happy

      Some of my favorite things that have happened recently: I got some amazing Christmas cards from friends in the USA. I’ve been asking students questions about things I don’t understand in Japan. The answers I get are PERFECT.

      Q: I don’t understand why nobody smiles at me on the train…  A: Using the train is not funny.  [Easy enough, I LOVE that answer.] Also, smiling on the train is an invitation to talk and most people find talking on the train to be torture.

      Q: Why do the teachers move rooms, why don’t students? A: Teachers want a perfect body.

      Q: I don’t know why students laugh at me… A: We are loving you.  [This was a big misunderstanding. When I felt students were laughing at me, it hurt my feelings…but its more of a conversation opener and students showing affection.]

      At my favorite Ramen shop, I am officially a regular. No longer need a menu, my order is known. I’ve always dreamed of being a regular somewhere, preferably not a bar. I’m ecstatic with my new badge of honor there. The people there talk to me quickly in Japanese. I can almost understand what they are saying but they must think I do. We are figured out how to communicate using different languages and I think it is incredible.

      IMG_3272 I wanted return to Judo this week. I am looking forward to learning/practicing Judo but the burns on my elbows are just now healed and I’m exhausted, lately. I hope to get back at it, soon.

      Today, students played a Japanese card game. It was played by grade level. It took place in the gym and awards were presented after. It was awesome! In the states we do not have anything like this.

      Silly things that I LOVE~! My dad always walks behind me and bumps the back of my knee. If he gets me good enough, I nearly fall to the ground. That is also a thing here in Japan!! I laughed when I did it to someone and they had a name for it and told me it was a common joke like move.

      I taught friends that if you focus on the other persons elbow you will have the greatest high-five ever. Practiced that as well as the back of knee taps.

      5e17225e-4f20-40b7-9be3-9c4282fd3f03I ordered a bookshelf off of Amazon. When I received the bookshelf I could not help but laugh. I had to put it together but all of the instructions were in Japanese. Got the tools out and hammered that baby together! 🙂

      I am amazed by the weather right now. It is late January and the beauty of the sun is blinding. When the clouds are not covering the sun it brings enough warmth making 30s and 40 degree weather feel like a hot stove just opened-warming you to the bones.

      I’m starting to understand the process of how students move up into the next grade. It is mind-blowing. I’m taken so far back by the amount of work students have to do at such young ages. Maybe it is so shocking because all I knew before was my experience.

      In my experience…you go to the school nearest your home. Elementary and then to your middle school and lastly high school. Public education was always free for me. I did have to pay to take the SATS and apply for college…

      IMG_3293

      Students in Japan may start as young as 6th grade, applying for different schools. Students apply for public schools. Public schools are paid for by families. For example, right now I have helping a student prepare for her interview for the high school she dreams of going to. Each school has limited openings and you must have certain scores on tests and be ranked against the students at your school. Ranking of where you are at is extremely important for students here.

      AF4AF250-0B6E-446B-B3EA-674729AA39F2.jpg

      Students take a test which depends on the high school they want to attend. Students may be a multiple subject test with an oral interview in English and Japanese. This is to see if the school will accept the student into the public school. EVERY child has to do some variation of this process to ensure they go to high school. Student’s tell me they are always studying, but now I understand why. Schools here are also leveled by ability…

       

      Pressure exists. As a foreigner I can see it and I can feel it and now I understand it. Students are going through a process similar to college applications, at the young age of 15. These students have to ace interviews that are similar to interviews I had to attempt in order to get a teaching job. I hope throughout my time here I can lessen the pressure for some students and help them acquire the skills they need to feel confident about their future.

       

       

      When I look at these students, I see kids. Kids that should be playing hide and go seek, kick the can, riding bikes until dark…but the reality is that these students spend most of their time studying and especially now when the tests/interview exams are around the corner. Where I see children…others see young adults.

      What I’ve been appreciating about Japan in addition to what I’ve already mentioned…

      Students. Building relationships with students people in the community.

      Teachers. I work with a great group of teachers.

      The kotatsu I have-a Japanese heating table.

      2pcs-set-washable-kotatsu-futon-mattress-190x190cm-190x240cm-patchwork-cotton-soft-friendly-quilt-japanese-kotatsu-table.jpg_640x640

      Sunshine-it is beautiful when the sun is shinning and that has been a lot! I saw someone (in JANUARY) with their top down in a convertible.

      Flowers: Still blooming and growing IN WINTER.

      Pen Pal letters!! My students here in Japan have gotten their letters back from America. I’m as excited as the kiddos.

      Surprise (to me!)

      High school entrance

      How many words/phrases don’t translate

      The green traffic light (go) is called BLUE here. Blue/green use to be interchangeable

      Students are teaching me Kanji. COOL!

      There are only dirt fields at Japan middle schools. No grass.

      Really, no grass anywhere. I feel kind of weird when I see dogs using the street as their toilet. I don’t think my dog would know what to do if it has to use cement as his canvas.

      Craft stores here nice. I can’t find rainbow thread though which is strange since rainbows are LOVED here. Fabric is expensive and good quality.

      I never hear people sneeze? [Wait I just did hear it…but maybe I don’t notice because no one says bless you or acknowledges it. Since I have written this-I have heard LOTS of sneezed and I also have sneezed more?]

      I love the Yamaha motorcycles that I see here. Classic. On the way home I saw one for about $ 1,300 and I’m tempted. If the driving pattern were the same as USA’s I wouldn’t think twice.

      School lunch as been delicious.

      I HAD THE BEST GYOZA. Gyoza=pot stickers. This time instead of pot sticker shape-it looked like a piece of friend chicken (drum stick). It was the BEST.

      gyoza

      I’m either sweating or freezing at school. Sometimes the heat is on, sometimes all the windows are open. After riding my bike to work though, I’m always sweating…until it dries and I’m then frozen.

      When I go to help a student they complete an entire sentence in Japanese and then I say, “Eigo” [eggo] (English) and we laugh. Students speak Japanese naturally and by accident and when I listen then say English-we always laugh. Even if I understand, I want them to try and communicate using English.

      Flowers are a big deal here. There are tons of flower shops. We order flowers online in America. I don’t even know where a local flower shop is at home.

      I’ve learned that communication is easy. You just have to be willing to try.

      IMG_3383

      Japan is a pretty interesting place. I love it. I love the people, the culture, the students… I am glad to be here.

      Processing…

      Only continue if you can do so:

      with

      Grace and without judgement.

      IMG_3255
      Current day-Phil and I

       

      I think one of the greatest tragedies of the world is when children are forced to grow up. However, positive lessons are rarely taught in positive ways. We grow up when we are ready but now that I’m thinking about it, there is a situation, a time and a place where something happens that forces us to grow up. I feel for the children in the world who go through this at a time when their biggest worry should be how late they can ride their bike or if they get the best smelling scratch and sniff sticker. I remember when I met the harshness of the world. The next 10 years of my life were spent trying to figure out how I could save the people I love. I’m still trying to stomach the fact that I can’t. The next 10 years after that were spent still in the chaos of the storm, reacting, overly cautious, afraid of what each day would bring.

       

      When I was 24 years old I was a first year teacher in Arizona. The school year had finished and I was excited as ever to get back to Washington to see my friends and family. My dad and I drove back and had a ball. The summer was starting off great, I was happy, excited, hopeful and ready to have the summer of a lifetime.

      20180126_194653

      I had been in Spokane for less than 24 hours. I was driving down 29th with my best friend, going by the light on Perry. It was my first night back in town and home for the summer. I felt like I was on top of the world. Laughing with my best friend, heading out to get into mischief… My dad was calling. For the first time in my life I didn’t expect bad news from my dad calling multiple times in a row. I was finally past, waiting for tragedy.  After answering, my world didn’t just stop, my heart and soul did too. I was no longer able to drive. Kate took over driving while I continued breathing heavily, dizzy, knees shaking, more scared than I have ever been (to this day).

      Nobody will ever understand what I felt, until they go through it (and I hope that you never do). The opposite is also true…I will never understand what you go through until I experience it. 

       

      Waiting for tragedy is an ugly place to be. It is a waste of daylight, loss of sleep, it is an all-consuming place that got the best of me for far too long. I wish I could say I was out of the woods when it comes to expecting/waiting for “the other shoe to drop” but the anxiety and fear of tragedy lingers around.

      Maybe I let the fear of tragedy hang around so that I am better prepared for when it strikes. But the truth is, there is no way to be prepared.

       

      When we use to go visit my grandparents in Nebraska, I dreaded leaving. I would look out the airplane window during take off and hear tears of my loved ones falling. It wasn’t until I was in middle school or so that I realized why my mom and dad always cried when we left Nebraska. I imagine that they were thinking, “Next time I come here, my mom/dad may not be alive anymore” or “that may be the last time I see my mom/dad”. Several times, they ended up being right. I cannot get past the thought of losing people I love. It breaks me into thousands of tiny pieces. Love is such a deep connection especially between family…that there is no way to ever be ready for what is to come.

      You see, my parents protect(ed) me from a lot. I didn’t always know when the world was spinning out of control. My dad informing me of the chaos meant death.

      Side note: I know that I’m not a parent…but I believe whole heartedly that it is a parents job to protect their children from dangerous chaos. Let me begin with a disclaimer: My parents protected me. My parents never knowingly or purposely put me in a situation of dangerous chaos. Sure, we found ourselves in some crappy situations but my parents never caused it or forced me to go through it. Thank you for that.  Children who group up in chaos become comfortable with it and begin to look for it. As a teacher, I see this and I understand it. I resist the temptation to feel sorry for children and instead try to encourage and help children find resilience, courage, dignity, empathy and a way to be better. In times like this I am reminded of how incredible children are. Living in chaos requires a person to  begin living in a constant state of fight or flight-stress response. Fight or flight is activated when there is a perceived threat and people must function in this state to remain. Stress response should be short lived. Once the situation has passed your body returns to the normal state. This is not true for all of us. Some of us are living in a constant state of stress response and experience negative side effects(sweaty palms, heart racing, reduced sleep, headaches). Children should be protected from this instead of forced to live a life in which fight or flight is required in order to survive. Chaos can be beautiful or dangerous. The kind of chaos I’m talking about right now is the exposure to dangerous, unpredictable people and situations. This is the stuff I feel passionately about. Nobody should have to navigate through the “hard stuff” alone when these events have been experienced and lived through by many.
      I can’t comprehend the pain of some situations because I have not lived them but I sure will listen and love.

      My dad was calling me to tell me I needed to come say goodbye, to my brother. I arrived at the hospital a short time after the phone call. I ran inside and back into the emergency room where I saw my brother laying lifeless, clothes cut off, machines keeping him alive.

      IMG_3401

      Seeing this was: frightening, upsetting, maddening, saddening…more emotions that I can find the words for. My brother had overdosed and was to end his days in that bed. I did not leave the hospital for the next 24 hours maybe even 48, until I was assured that Phil was in a coma and would not die without notice. I stayed at the hospital most nights. I’d seen a number of movies where people would magically come out of a coma because they could feel or hear the love in the room. Now I know, that is only in the movies.  I would hold Phil’s hand, play our favorite songs, talk to him, yell at him, pray for him and just watch him. I thought I would be his reason for waking up. Sometimes, his hand would twitch in mine. I thought he was squeezing my hand. But this lasted days and wasn’t a squeeze of love or an “it’s okay sis, I’m coming”. It had been weeks of a coma, seizing and wonder. Wonder what would happen next, wondering if he would survive, wondering how we would survive…

       

      From the ER we moved into ICU. Here, Some light started to come out of the situation. By light, I mean life. Phil had opened his eyes but was unable to talk, eat, walk, or communicate. He was no longer the person we all knew. Not long after, Phil went back into a coma.

      It is hard to recount the steps that we took or recall the days that have passed…but as I am typing this out I have that same feeling in my stomach, frog in my throat and unsettling thought of what life is for some people.

       

      In the summer to come many tears were shed by the family, nights were spent awake and days were spent at the hospital. There was not much happy in these days but there was a wedding of one of my brothers and a chance for the entire family to be together.  The weeks and months to come were filled with steps forwards and leaps backwards and a mistake made by one that all of us were forced to learn from.

      July came quick and I needed to head back to Arizona for my job. This was not an option for me at that time. With my brother was in and out of the ICU, leaving was not an ideal situation for me. I wouldn’t let it be a situation at all and with careful consideration I resigned from my teaching position in Arizona and stayed home where I felt I needed to be.

      Phil is a warrior. He always has been. He was not supposed to survive this. I think of my family as an army. We have fought some dark battles [together] and we have won all but not without sustaining injury.

      Phil got into Saint Luke’s rehabilitation center which became our home for the next month where Phil learned to walk, talk,write, eat, and do everyday skills that you learn as a child. We were not out of the clear…there were many ambulance rides back to the ER and several questions that still haven’t been answered. But after his time at Saint Luke’s, we walked out of there together.

       

      Sadly, when my dad calls several times-my heart pounds. When I call my parents several times, I’m sure the same happens for them.

      When I don’t hear from my brothers I begin to panic.

      When my brothers tell me that they love me…I question why they are saying that.

      We have added people to the family since, made mends and ripped too many stitches. But here we are. All six of us are still around, happy and healthy (I like to think).

      IMG_1744

       

      20 years after meeting chaos…I am now what some would consider to be a professional with chaos. A master of chaos. I can welcome chaos and take care of the situation at hand. I’ve been in many ambulance rides, handled many adult like problems and become a comfort to those who find themselves going through similar situations that I have. This stuff-it is not good. It’s not something that most people share. But this, this has made me who I am.  I’ve never been embarrassed of the hard stuff. To me this is a testimony of my family, our greatness, strength, resilience and love. 

      Positive lessons are rarely taught in positive ways

      Take care of yourself. Impact people positively. Be sunshine in somebody’s dark day.

      Also-I made a peanut butter and bacon sammy last night. It has been a long time since I’ve had one of those!

      Thank you for being you.

      illie

      IMG_3387

    • Countdown

      I love when I am reading a book and I recognize the emotion and meaning behind the title of the book or even the chapter. My title for my blog is Rubee Miles. Rubee Miles because if I ever have a daughter, that is what I want to name her. The meaning this name has come to be deep in my heart and explainable beyond my heart. Some people think I don’t want to be a Mom but it is a hope and dream of mine. People say you have to meet the child before you choose a name. But Rubee Miles would be perfect for any child of mine…even if it does end up having 4 legs. Finding the relation between a title and a person’s writing is one of my favorite things.

      Happy birthday to some very special women in my life. Happy birthday Mama, Kristy and Lois!! Happy Birthday to my favorite, wonderful, wacky, women. You inspire and motivate me to be a better person. You encourage me to keep moving forward and to choose happy as a way of life. Thank you for improving the quality of my life. Spread your glitter- you make the world sparkle!

      This was my first Christmas waking up, alone, without family. It was not magical or heartwarming. It was sad. It was harder than I imagined. Now, all the Christmas decorations have been replaced with New Years decorations.

      In Japan, lonely has a different meaning. I had someone say to me, you must be lonely. I kind of giggled because generally you don’t say that to someone. Lonely in Japan just means, by yourself. In that case yes, I am alone/lonely. But I can be in a room full of people and feel alone. On Christmas, I was in a room full of people and felt lonely. Lonely to me is a sadness caused by the absence of love. Lonely is a feeling of being alone, not just a physical description. For the most part I do not feel lonely, even though I spend a lot of time alone. Differences in the way two people use the same word interests me.

      Christmas in Japan is celebrated for fun. Some families get small trees (a foot tall or so) and eat chicken/KFC for a Christmas dinner. You can probably guess where my dinner was from…YEP, 7-11. I’ve been waiting to receive a package from Chichi. I swear he timed it exactly so, that it would arrive on Christmas. Once again, a great letter, photos of loved ones and MASKS! Another joy filled package.

      New Years celebrations here closely resemble traditions for Christmas in America. Families travel to be together for the New Year. Many places are closed December 30-January 3rd and nearly all places are closed on New Years day. Families celebrate by having a special dinner together, staying up (all night) playing games, maybe visiting a shrine or temple and sharing their hopes, dreams and prayers for the upcoming year. At midnight on New Years the Temples ring their bell 108 times. This is believed to release 108 sins from all humans. The 108 sins that these bells rid us include mental states that cloud the mind and force people to manifest/think of impure actions. This can be anxiety, fear, anger, jealousy, desire, depression and more. I think this is a great tradition to bring in a new year. To me, a clean slate is much better done by cleaning it rather than filling it with resolutions. I’d rather have a fresh start than a list of goals that makes me feel like I’m already behind what is supposed to be a “New Year”.

       

      Families spend this holiday together and manifest a future that they hope for while riding themselves of accidental and purposeful sins. We all find ourselves in boats we do not want to be in. New Years is a time to grow stronger… Families will gather for the New Year and that doesn’t leave much room for a foreigner. Who knows-maybe I’ll get to spend the new year with my family too.

      IMG_2805

      I’ve always felt a feeling of defeat on New Years. People are always talking about a renewed sense of hope. Every morning I have a renewed sense of hope. People wait all week for Friday, all year for their favorite season and their entire life for happiness. I cannot bare to do that. I choose happy each day because I believe happy is a way of life.

      I’m not counting down until Friday, summer, or the new year.

      I have never understood why people wait to make a goal or resolution. If I waited for a New Year to make/start a goal, I would never achieve anything. I am reflecting, planning and growing daily. I’d rather use the new year as a stamp in time to resemble who I am in that moment. I prefer to look back at how I have grown rather than plan ahead for what could end up being failure. I’m not scared of failure. I have some size failure every day from as little as forgetting to take my vitamin to not setting alarm and possibly having forgot to switch my laundry. Today, my failure (so far) was starting the day with 2 fresh squeezed lemons instead of one. Continuing after failure is where growth happens. My goals have a large range from what some people would laugh at because it’s a “dream” to what others would laugh at because a child might have bigger goals.

      I’ve always wanted to own a zoo. That’s my dream. Is it crazy…maybe. Would it be impossible to own a zebra…NO. But that’s a big dream, I know. But someone once told me I’d never own an animal that could live at a zoo. That person is no longer in my life. These are my dreams-you get your own. A little dream of mine…to stop biting my nails, learn judo and sleep through the night without waking up. I’m making, rearranging, prioritizing, failing and succeeding each day at different goals I have.  [I tried Judo at school with students today, for the first time. I had no prior knowledge on Judo, I just had a feeling it was going to be badass. I couldn’t think of a better word to describe my feelings towards something I had only heard of-sorry for that word choice. However, I was right. It was the coolest. I participated in about half of the warm up. I was too weak to do the whole thing. My hope is that if I keep going to Judo, I’ll gain enough strength to do the entire warm up. Maybe I’ll even be able to participate in part of the actual practice. The amount of charlie horses I got and the intense soreness of my abdominals right now is a clear indicator that I am using muscles I didn’t even know I had. Learned a few of the basics. I had no idea Judo had so much gripping, grappling, striking and body locks involved. I’ve never seen such graceful, aggressiveness.

      In early December I attended Kobe Luminaire. This is a light show that began after the Great Hanshin Earthquake in 1995. Thousands of people lost their lives, tens of thousands of people were injured and hundreds of thousands of people were displaced. This light show symbolized bringing light back into the lives of people in Japan. It is an annual representation of the lives lost and the regained hope and renewal that was necessary to rebuild the city. Seeing this light show, I felt that renewal in my heart, something I have never felt on New Years.

      I’ve been living what my best friends refer to as “my best life“. I’ve been exploring all hours of the day, meeting new friends and going out with old friends. I think the grandma life is more my style. Japan, the best life has been real…but I’m more fit for the old soul (early to bed and early to rise) young heart (zoo visits and ocean trips) life.

      I had my first experience at the doctor. I say experience because I gained new knowledge through this exposure. In Japan each symptom requires a different doctor. A doctor specialized in that area. I understand why and I appreciate a specialist who is an expert in their area. In the USA, my primary care facility was Minor Emergency until I was about 24. I went there for everything (stitches, shots, broken bones, fever, illness-you name it I’ve been there for it). Now, I tell my doctor everything. I guess I’m use to more of a “one size fits all” patient. I hate one size fits all because it never fits right but this is the one time I would have preferred it (only because it is what I am used to).

      I attended my first Bonenkai (Forget the year party). This is a party where people get together to forget the troubles and stresses of the past year and start the new year to come, fresh. Most of this event was in Japanese and I still had the most wonderful time. The company, games and food was perfect. What a cool party to have. I love that every single person can communicate with a smile or a laugh. The happy that was spread across the faces of people at this party was a sight to see. A language barrier cannot block the communication that happens through emotions. We play the same, laugh the same and can communicate through so much more than words. Forget the year and bless the next. I love the traditions I have experienced so far.

      I’ve been meeting with a student after school to help her prepare for her high school entrance exam. It seems to be comparable to applying for community college. We have run into road blocks due to the language barrier and the best way I have found around these is to act the words out, or draw a picture. Common sense maybe…but I always thought rephrasing and repeating was a great strategy. Turns out it is useless. Rephrase: Explain an unknown word using more unknown words. Repeat: Still don’t understand. Sometimes it can be frustrating, but I prefer to exhaust all options before turning to a dictionary or translation device. We both must try tremendously hard to accomplish this and it is a great challenge for both of us. The students here study an intense amount, more than I would have ever dreamed of. The athletes practice more in one day than some students in America do in a whole week.

      Right now, it is winter break both in America and Japan. Students last day of school was Christmas. However, teachers work until December 29th and then return January 4th. Teachers have a six-day break and two of those days are thanks to a weekend. Students may not have class but they are all here practicing their club activity. Winter break and the school is functioning close to normal. Teachers are working, students are practicing, and everybody is busy. At home, students and teachers are completely off from school for a week or two. Huge difference in the education systems.

      I went to a Spokane/Nishinomiya sister city dinner. I met many new faces and had the company of a dear friend that I met when I arrived in Japan. Students who just got back from Spokane were at the party and shared some of their favorite activities! Several of the people attending the party had also been to Spokane. It kind of brings us together like a family when we have the connection of being in the same places. They love my home and I love theirs. Kind of like how I have an automatic connection with Corn Huskers. When you love and support the same ______ It makes for an instant connection. At this dinner I was gifted a poinsettia. These remind me of my mama and my grandma. It was a beautiful gift to receive and it brought joy to my heart. My friend and I are now going to see who can keep their plant living happily, longer. We both love plants…but our living plant success is non-existent.

      Happy Merry Everything

      illies

    • Gas Tank Full of Freedom

      Gas Tank Full of Freedom

      12/10/18 +

      At the top of my TO DO list for Japan, I have: Fall in Love. Above all else, while I am here my goal is to fall in love,

      with myself. 

      Oh my goodness. It has almost been a month since I went home to the USA. Since I have been back-it has been a whirlwind.
      I’ve been talking with my friends and brother about traveling around Japan. I feel like I am missing out by not exploring. But the thing is-every time I step out of my apartment, it is an adventure. I haven’t traveled Japan yet but I am planning to. Once leaving my home is no longer an adventure, I will start checking items off of my bucket list.

      This being said…I’ve already been in Japan for nearly 5 months. That means I am almost half way through my year in Japan.

      As a teacher-I am growing like a weed. I am gaining so much experience teaching English as a second language. I have no doubt that this opportunity is helping me grow as much as a teacher, as it is a person.

      Thinking about my growth and overall, how much I have changed since I was a child…this quote was very humbling. There are wonderful humans out there who are evil in my story-the thought of being the evil in somebody else’s gives me those dirty moths in my stomach. I think this is why it is so important to remember that people will never forget the way you made them feel.

      img_2408

      I’ve made some people feel really awful in my past. If you are reading this and you are one of them-I apologize. There are several people I have reached out to and personally apologized..but you know what? People that made me feel bottom of the barrel awful, they never apologized. That is okay, but I remember the way you made me feel, the times you caused me pain. Thanks to you, I’m a way fresher person than I use to be. By fresher…I mean more: Resilient, kind and happy. 

      Right now, Japan is where I am meant to be. I know this because I see personal growth as well as professional. People should be living a life that makes them better. Being here, is making me better. I also hope to be making people better here. At school I try to make sure students know that I see them. Not like I see them up to no good, or goofing around…

      but that I see them, I care and that they are enough.

      Adventures since I’ve been back from the United States.

      HOT SPRINGS! My dear friend took me to Arima hot springs. This is one of the most ancient onsen’s in Japan. This hot spring is a rusty orange color because of all of its natural components. There are very few hotsprings in the world that have this many elements. This is similar to a public bath. You wash your body off and get into a small pool like tub. Yes, naked. Yes, with other people. Boys and girls are separated. At this onsen there were no tattoos allowed. Having a number of them, Sachiko and Moko helped me cover all of them with bandaid like tattoo covers. Lots of laughs and giggles while we did this.

      There were three different baths at this Onsen. After each bath you put your clothes on and walk to the next location. We took part in a buffet beforehand, all you can eat Japanese food! I tried everything. Because I will always try things at least once.

      On the way home We stopped to admire fall leaves. This was a breath taking forest of trees with more color than imaginable.

      Sachiko also took me for a drive through the country side. This was my first time seeing “country side” here in Japan. It reminded me more of home than anything else here, has. The roads were bigger, everything was more spread out and it wasn’t as busy. It felt kind of like driving on the Palouse, but not.

      I ate Shabu shabu. And…a snail. Because I have to try everything at least once…SUPER COOL meal to eat and the company was nice too!

      Snails are like slugs. I HATE slugs. So taking this snail out of its shell to eat was a first and last time event for me. After dinner I gave Pachinko a try and searched for wild bores. You know how much I love hunting for animals. Hunting to me is just searching with my eyeballs and jumping with excitement when I see a creature.  This night may have ended with Super Mario. Most of my nights do. HAH.

      I have actually been lost now. Like, wandering for an hour just looking for something that I was familiar with. In an hour, I reached my step goal, had no wifi and 12% battery on my phone. My map was no help because I was in an area I had never been. I never found anything familiar, a train station, or free wifi. I also wasn’t at my best. I walked until I saw a cab pulled over. I’m sure I sounded half dead as I said, “Ride?”. I got an Ok. Got a ride to my bicycle. The ride was 35 minutes and worth every single YEN.

      All Japan Pro Wrestling!

      This slideshow requires JavaScript.

      I went to watch professional wrestling in JAPAN! Cool huh? The coolest part is I got to see an old friend from Spokane, WRESTLE in Japan!! I personally find that to be insanely incredible. The odds in that happening have got to be low to none.

      I went with a coworker and his friend. They are huge fans of pro-wrestling. All around, amazing night with great people. So fun to see someone from home, here in Japan. I get excited seeing someone I know at the grocery store in Spokane so you can probably imagine my joy in seeing people in Japan. Parrow and Odinson took the W in a tag team match. Whoop whoop.

      I’m looking forward to seeing another Professional wrestling show while I am here.

      I’ve got some time off coming up for Winter break. I work on Christmas. First time, working on Christmas. I have many special birthdays to celebrate the day after Christmas. These people are more dear to my heart and soul than I can say. I hope you can feel my love from Japan. Happy Birthday (Dec 26th) To my MAMA, KRISTY, and LOIS! I’ve been thinking about you since December began and I’ll be celebrating you all month long. Heck, I celebrate the three of you all year long.

      Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear, Mama, Kristy, and Lois, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.

      With a break coming up, I have considered going home…but I really want to explore the country I live in. If I go home every chance I get-I won’t ever see this whole new world. (This week in class students are singing-A whole new world.) It dropped 30 degrees over the past week. Last week I was riding my bike in a Tshirt and enjoying the colors of fall. Today, I wore my long johns, beanie and winter jacket. I think this is one of the first times I have worn a beanie for warmth. I never realized how cold my ears get when I have a hat on. Now that I think about it…I haven’t ridden a bike in the fall in probably 15 years…I just forgot the feeling of COLD hitting my cheeks and sneaking through my strands of hair up to my ears.It was 39 degrees when I woke up this morning. Last week it was 70 degrees. That is a pretty drastic change in such a short amount of time.

      Last week
      This week

      My morning commute consists of these minor yet major inclines. Some days I ride up the entire way, sometimes I make it half way…and this week for the first time I started walking my bike at the bottom. My legs are getting stronger. I couldn’t make it to the top my first time. Hah. Now I spend the first 10 minutes of my bike ride, wondering how much effort I want to put forth in order to save myself one minute riding up VS walking up.Giggling. I love that my daily decisions start here…Well actually even earlier my hardest decision is what I will wear. Feel like a small child, going to a drawer, closing my eyes and wearing whatever I pull out.

      I rearranged my apartment, which I have done a few times now. It makes things feel…fresh.

      At school, students had a tournament. Girls played volleyball and boys played handball. I saw lots of smiles during this and I couldn’t stop thinking about how cool it was that students could have a handball tournament, at school. Last week, we had a marathon day. Students choose the distance they would run and ran anywhere from 1km to 10 km. More than half of the school choose 10km!! I choose 3km and my running partner helped me keep a good pace the entire time. Probably my fastest mile since 4th grade.

      I’ve sent out many letters and postcards recently. I’m the biggest fan of mail. I hope if you receive mail, it gives you some happy in your heart. That is my goal, to spread happy. We started penpals too!! Seeing the students write to my kiddos at home, made me glow. *Hours after writing this, I checked my mail and what do you know-I HAD A LETTER FROM A DEAR FRIEND. Thank you sister. This is my favorite card.

      img_2668

      My refrigerator is empty. Probably a good time to start the whole30. I have been yearning for a redbull. I haven’t given in. I’d get so jacked up if I had a redbull, I probably can’t handle them anymore. I could drink a 20Oz redbull and take a nap. I was looking at how much caffeine was in the tea I am drinking…20-30MGs. I was drinking 200+mgs a day… When I take Tylenol-I take 2 extra strength tablet, each 500mgs. Here, the pain killer I got was similar to a 25mg ibuprofen and was to be taken every six hours.

      I felt like I really lived here the first time I wore a mask. When I came back from the USA, I was feeling pretty nasty. I didn’t want to spread these USA germs…because I worry that they might be stronger (like how medicines are stronger in the USA). That’s my reasoning. Everything is stronger at home so the germs must be too.

      However, the breath mints here are way stronger. They about knock your socks off!

      The apples are bigger.

      You rent movies at a rental shop.

      I’ve made some great relationships with students. I have students helping me learn Japanese. At lunch time I eat with a class. I enjoy this time, talking with students and eating new foods. The other day at lunch it was an entire (small) fish, with its head and skin still on…I tried a bite but then I had to give the rest away. I don’t like to see a creatures face unless I’m out hunting (looking) for them.

      Japan Amazon is my favorite. I could order something today and have it within 24 hours. That’s crazy.

      I’m still tired from the weekend. I think tonight might be a night of 12+ hours of sleep. That means I can go to bed at 7. That sounds magical. I’m such a baby. Dane-I wish you were here. I know you would fit in well with me on a Friday night! Have yet to meet someone with our mindset.

      Update-I went to bed at 11pm and woke up at 3am. Sleeping just wasn’t in the cards for me last night. Urg. Try again tonight. My sleep still isn’t quite right for some reason. Anxiety, dokidoki? Unsure.  I was wishing that I was a preschooler again and my mom cold pick my clothes out and dress me because that was a demanding task this morning.

      Oh yes. Last thing. I had a sentimental Clark Griswald moment last night as I recalled the happiness of life as a child. Last night I sat and watched a home video from 27 years ago. In this video, I was 1, my brothers were 5, 7 and 9 and my parents were 38. It is Christmas Eve and Christmas. I love hearing my parents voices, they still sound the same. I melted hearing all of our little voices. When you are little, life should be this wonderful. It makes me sad that it isn’t this way for all children. Since this video, everything has changed but nothing at the same time. That’s impossible, but it is true.

      As always, glad to be apart of your day.

      illie

      JapanLife

    • No one can take away your pain so never let anyone take away your happiness

      11/27

      I’ve been rockin’ and rollin’ the past month. Quick recap-the beginning of November I SAW MONKEYS! Yuko journeyed with me to Arashiyama to admire a bamboo forest and the beauty of fall.  I’ve been talking about seeing a monkey in the wild since I arrived in Japan…so when we saw signs saying watch for monkeys-I was like a kid on Christmas morning. This is one of my favorite adventures so far.

      We had sports day which consisted of all junior highs in Nishinomiya. It took place at Koshien Statium, where the professional baseball team, The Hanshin Tigers, play. Once again-we have nothing comparable to this in America. We got there by train. Students sit by grade level and perform by grade level. Each grade level does an athletic dance and there are relay races followed by awards for the fastest team in the city. I’m not going to say anything more about this because it is more incredible than my words can describe.

      I had a presentation for Nishinomiya International Association.

      img_1860

      I talked about the similarities and differences between Spokane and Nishinomiya. HOLY GOODNESS, there are an infinite amount. After I showed pictures and spent too much time talking, adults were able to ask questions. A few questions I got were: How do you deal with bullying in America?  Do you own a gun? What surprised you most in Japan? After the presentation, I spent a day out with friends.

      I have officially been redbull/energy drink free for three weeks and nicotine free for over a year! These both are huge accomplishments for me. I hear that people feel differently when they give their body what it needs. I don’t know what that means (because my body always feels the same) -but I’m trying to figure it out. I’m trying to nourish my body and be more intentional about what I put into my body. People say that after massages, adjustments, yoga, exercise, eating healthy they “feel” different. What exactly does that mean? My entire life I have felt the same after each of these activities. I have found acupuncture and massage to be the most relaxing (during) but my body itself, generally always feels the same. I will say, I have started taking some supplements and new vitamins and I am noticing that my dreams are more vivid and my memory is better. Something must be doing my brain some good.

      In the beginning of November Sachiko helped me figure out my life. My acne has been the worst it’s ever been. Sachiko noticed how bad it was and asked, “are you ok, what’s wrong?” (We were driving to the post office to pick up a package [at the time I didn’t know it would be the best package I’ve ever received in my life] from my dad.) I told her, “I’m great-must be the food I’m eating.” She responded with, “Your stomach is bulging, your face is bad, I think you are stressed.” My first response was to laugh. Not because of her pure honesty about my bulging stomach and mass amount of zits…

      but what could I possibly be stressed about?

      I’ve had that said to me so many times you would think it is stamped on my forehead. I started to agree with the statement I’ve heard too many times “you have nothing to be stressed about, you are 28 years old, single and have no children.” After I spoke those words Sachiko said, “You miss home. Your family and the comforts of home. I know it doesn’t feel like it but I think that you’re holding a lot of stress.” Of course, I miss home but I’ve been so busy living that…I kind of avoid thinking about home. People ask if I’m home sick and NO comes out of my mouth quicker than I can formulate a better response. I don’t know what homesick is. Kind of like how I don’t understand what jet lag is.

      [Side note* Stress is real. Everybody has it. I am 28, single, have a career and no obligations because of the choices I have made. People say that to me like it’s a blessing or I’m abnormally lucky to be ME. Stop yourself right there. I got myself to where I am. I’m 28 (because the birthdays keep on coming) and single because I refuse to settle. I don’t have children because I haven’t met somebody I want to have a family with, yet. Would I like children? YES.  You may have made different life decisions than me, some by mistake and some on purpose. No matter who you are, where you’re at and what you want-that is up to you. It feels like people are trying to make me feel like my stress, anxiety and worries are inadequate [compared to what they could be].  Maybe you had a plan for your life and it is/isn’t turning out the way you imagined. I’ve never had a plan. My future changes with each day. My stresses are changing as I realized I can be in the eye of the storm where I am calm and everything around me is flying off the handles, out of control. But I have stress. We all do. But there is a difference between luck and hard work. I’m not where I am at by luck. I appreciate the life I live and the people in it. Don’t ever ask somebody what they have, to be stressed about if you’re only trying to make them feel like their issues are laughable compared to yours. I might be upset about almost missing a flight. It might be a huge deal for me. But maybe missing that flight meant missing out on time with people who I love. I could be late  to the airport because I haven’t slept and I was at the hospital all night with somebody that I  care about. Yes, it is incredible that I have the opportunity to catch a flight…because I’ve met people who haven’t had the chance to catch a bus yet. This doesn’t make it any less of a big deal for me. Comparing me to others doesn’t make my knees stop shaking, or my heart stop pounding.

      Seeing a rainbow is a reason for me to dance and celebrate. I LOVE RAINBOWS. You may not see the magic in that rainbow but I do, SO LET ME DANCE.

      People generally don’t try to downplay my happies or one up my happies…but when it comes to life challenges, all too often people try to downplay or one up my hurts. Nothing about two people is comparable. That is why you shouldn’t compare yourselves to others. Our problems, bodies, happies, sads, childhoods-you name it…ARE NOT THE SAME but the feelings we have are similar. Isn’t that the magic in life? Meeting people from different walks of life and connecting with people who have been through different situations but felt those same feelings?! Be gentle with people. We all hurt the same.)

      No one can take away your pain so never let anyone take away your happiness

      Ok back to the story-I arrived at the post office and I ran inside to grab my package (at 7:45pm, because the post office is open late but banks close at 3!!) and when I got to the car I joyfully opened it.

      First, I saw a note from my dad, that only had 14 words but made my eyes well up, one blink and tears would be falling.img_1762

      Next, I opened pocket number one to find photos that chichi printed. Photos of his trip here, the dogs, my brothers and mama. BLINK- tears ran down my cheeks.

      I flipped through the photos and felt that beautiful pain.

      Pocket number 2 had keychains since father lost my keys, this made me laugh.

      Not to mention these came inside of a MINI ADVENTURE PACK.

      I was happysad. At that moment I realized that I miss my people/animals far more than I acknowledge or notice. I’m pretty in tune with my emotions so I’m still not sure how this snuck up on me.

      Around this time an English teacher told me that it was going to be a testing week. During exam weeks I do not have classes but I come to work and keep myself busy. I was told it would be a good time to take paid leave if I wanted to…

      (Meanwhile…back home Phil [my brother] was visiting from Denver where he works for the airlines. He had just had the conversation about how he shouldn’t have given me flight benefits because I would never use them since I’m living in Japan…) However, without these flight benefits a trip home wouldn’t have even become a thought in my mind. Moments later Phil received a text message.

      All I did was send one text to Phil saying, “I’m going to look at coming home next week”. Before I had put any real planning or thought into it, I received a flight confirmation Email. I got butterflies and another tear of happy ran down my cheek because I couldn’t wait to see my people and I didn’t have to debate going or not, my brother already booked me! This would have been days of, “what if? What about? What happens if? How can I?” Thank goodness Phil put me on a flight back to the USA just days before I would depart. [Side note: people say you don’t share your wishes with people. Birthday wishes, 11:11 wishes, shooting star wishes…but I’ve always been a firm believer in the more you share it with the more likely it is to come true. Like this thought of going home…sharing it with my brother is what got me home, he got me home. Thank you Phil, my heart needed that. Had I kept this thought to myself, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere.] I was beyond excited for a journey home to fill my heart up with all that I’ve ever known. So, I used my new mini adventure pack and flight benefits to take a quick trip home, to fill my heart with dog kisses, snuggles, a hug from my mama and a costco trip with chichi. Flights were filling up, so I ended up catching a flight the next day instead of in 3 days.

      My first flight was (business class) from Osaka, Japan to San Francisco, California. Yeah, you read that right, business class. Business class is the new first class. Holy smokes. Drinks, slippers, warms peanuts, seats that recline into beds and auto tinting windows! I was a virgin to this kind of service. When I was handed a warm washcloth, I was baffled. I had to watch the people around me and follow their lead. On the way to California I started Avatar, napped for about 7 hours (I barely made it to bed the night before departure) and then woke up in time to finish Avatar and eat breakfast.

      From California I went to Denver to spend a night with Phil. That was as adventure in itself, to say the least. My next stop, SPOKANE.

      I was home long enough to feel the heat of burning bridges and excitement of building new bridges. The time I had with my friends and family was exactly what my heart needed. I didn’t get to see all the people I would have liked to, but I did get to see most of the ones I needed to. It was we were kids again (although Kate just turned 29!). We had sleepovers at my parents’ house, played video games, stayed up late and practically jumped for joy when mom got home from grocery shopping (waking us up from our couch nap after an unbelievably long night).

      img_1993

      I had 2 amazing massages, much-needed acupuncture, (Thank you WELLNESS TREE) highlights and more hugs in that week than I’ve had in 4 months. I got to visit my previous students and the most loving staff.  I spent most of Thanksgiving with my neighbor Liz, who I love dearly. She has been in my life since I can remember…maybe since birth. I also spent time with my family (2 out of 3 brothers) and started packing for my commute back home to Japan.

      My trip home reminded me how loved I am.

      My time at home has already come and gone. It’s hard to believe I’ve been back in Japan almost 48 hours. I started to feel a cold on Thanksgiving and by the next day, I felt like death. Phil and I both had (6AM) flights so we went to the airport together and shared a few laughs before heading our separate ways. The flight back was as glorious as the flight to Spokane, only this time my ears were hurting, my nose was running and my throat was feeling something fierce. I took advantage of the earplugs, hand soap and chairBED. I took $15 (airport) Sudafed every 4 hours even though it didn’t seem to help. I kept taking it just to keep myself from crying like a baby. I had 2 carry-ons and I picked up my 2 checked bags when I arrived in Japan. These bags were the largest suitcases allowed on aircraft and each weighed 70+ pounds. I was walking through the airport sweating from a fever or the intense workout I was achieving, happy to be back.

      In the airport, I was back to being a foreigner, hearing Japanese and smiling. I remembered how nervous I was the first time I came to Japan, just walking through the airport was terrifying, then. This time, I was able to ask for help so that I could get out of the airport as quickly and smoothly as possible. I would be taking the airport limousine back to the closest train station and from there catch a taxi. I couldn’t have done that when I moved in here. GROWTH!

      When I got to my mansion (apartment) I carried up each bag one by one. I thought about unpacking them at the bottom of the stairs, outside of apartment doors. I probably should have because carrying 70lbs up 2 flights of stairs couldn’t have been a pleasing sound to neighbors (between my squealing/grunting and the suitcase banging the stairs). I unpacked one suitcase, took Tylenol PM and hit the sheets because in 12 hours I would be riding my bike to work and I needed all the rest I could get.

      I saw maybe 1-2 people cycling while I was in the USA. Driving felt strange, exciting and new when I arrived in the US. Coming back, it felt awkward getting on my bicycle. My bike seat didn’t feel the same, it felt hard and uncomfortable. I got kind of use to driving everywhere again. There was snow on the grown when I left Spokane. When I arrived in Nishinomiya the weather felt perfect. I text my friend Yuko and said “It’s so BEAUTIFUL OUT”. She said, “It’s getting cool”. I thought, what in the world-it’s perfect. DUH, it was perfect, I was still sweating profusely. Later that night I realized my apartment was the same temperature as it was outside which was COLD. The day I left I had all my windows open. Now I have all my heaters on.

      Seeing the students in Japan made me as happy as visiting my students back in Spokane. It was refreshing to see their faces and here their hello’s. I missed being here. I missed the people, the culture and being a light in somebody else’s country. No matter where I am, I’ll always be missing someone, that is a part of loving. I’m empowered knowing that I’m never missing a “piece of me” because it doesn’t take another human being to complete the person I am.

      img_2163

      img_2034
      Thank you Kate for the new vocabulary word

      img_1962img_1964

       

       

      This may sound strange, especially coming from a white person so take it or leave it. When I arrived back in America, I was overwhelmed by the amount of white people I saw. The diversity in America is the only diversity I had ever known. However, it’s not all that I know now, and it was a strange feeling noticing this.

      Being in Japan has made my world so much bigger. I always knew I wanted to travel. I had no good reason for wanting to-I’ve just been drawn to it but too afraid. I’ve been to a few states in the USA. I noticed that people in Nebraska were more kind to strangers than people in Washington. I saw that neighborhoods in Arizona changed block by block rather than area by area. Denver has a faster paced life style. I’m always taking in similarities and differences between places and people. This is why I am supposed to travel. I needed to see that the world is so much more than the few states I’ve experienced. People are so much more than good and/or bad. Language is one way to communicate but communication is more than the words we use.

      My world, heart and mind are more wide open than ever and all of these will continue to expand, if I let them.

      For everyday, live and let live.

      illie

    • Beautifully Painful

      “There was a time when the world was enormous: spanning the vast, almost infinite boundaries of your neighborhood. The place where you grew up, where you didn’t think twice about playing on someone else’s lawn. The street was your territory that occasionally got invaded by a passing car. It was where you didn’t get called home until after it was dark. And all the people, and all the houses that surrounded you were as familiar as the things in your own room.” -Wonder Years

      I’ve been thinking about Kevin Arnold (I know Phil, you have too). If you don’t know Kevin, you should. I read this quote and it gave me all the feelings. When I think about home and growing up, this is how I feel. I was probably one of the last generations to grow up with this comfort, safety and freedom. The streets and neighborhoods were just a big playground. The rock wall, the curbs/cracks on the sidewalk, the shortcuts through the woods-I could walk these obstacles with my eyes closed. I miss that. Looking back can sometimes be harder than looking forward. I’ve been reminiscing-not purposely. Memories have been popping into my head and heart. Recalling events of childhood, there are memories flooding back to me. It is beautifully, painful.

      Kevin Arnold also said “Things never turn out exactly the way you planned. I know they didn’t with me. Still, like my father used to say, ‘Traffic’s traffic, you go where life takes you’ and growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you’re in diapers, the next you’re gone, but the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a time a place, a particular fourth of July, the things that happened in that decade of war and change. I remember a house like a lot of houses, a yard like a lot of yards, on a street like a lot of other streets. I remember how hard it was growing up among people and places I loved. Most of all, I remember how hard it was to leave. And the thing is, after all these years I still look back in wonder.”

      10/15/2018

      I am not scared or nervous about where I am going. I’m sad about what I am leaving behind.

      I identified this feeling for the first time today and now that I have…I see that this is how I’ve felt almost my entire life. When I was a child (single digit age) my dad would take us to Comstock, the public pool. My brothers and I would jump off the bunk bed and pile into the suburban. Sometimes, I didn’t go. It wasn’t that I was scared to go-or I didn’t want to go. I hated to leave my mom at home by herself. I wasn’t scared about moving to Arizona, I was sad about what I was leaving behind. I thought I was terrified to move to Japan…but turns out I’m not scared of what is to come, I’m afraid to lose/sad to leave people. But being sad to leave and having a hard goodbye is more heartwarming than an easy goodbye. An easy goodbye to me signifies a weak/nonexistent connection, a missed opportunity to spread sparkle and see the sparkle of others, or a chapter of life has come and gone where love was not present. A farewell only hurts when the impact of the person is positive (otherwise, why say goodbye?). I leave my first Junior high school in Japan tomorrow. Every six months ALT’s are switched to a new school. I’m not scared of where I am headed. I am excited to meet more students and staff. What is hard, is what I am leaving. I left the word behind off that time. When I say “leaving behind” it’s like I’m moving forward and the people who are staying are not and that is not what I mean at all. I am leaving a great group of humans and that is hard, no buts about it. I am leaving just as quietly and smoothly as I entered on September third. Thankful to have been at such a wonderful place.

      I remember distinctly as a child-my greatest fear was losing someone close to me. That still is my greatest fear. When I leave…I feel as if I am losing something. Even just going to the pool for a few hours-I felt like I was losing something when I left my mama home. I think it is the fear of missing out giving me anxiety because I haven’t lost anything while I’ve been in Japan, rather I have gained a whole new world. Maybe I overdid it on the caffeine today, my heart is pounding like the sound and rhythm of a runner’s feet hitting the ground as they sprint. Or, maybe it is just that, anxiety. I think I’ve got some feelings creeping up on me that I do not particularly like…I could listen to my intuition and let these feelings come and go as they should…but I know this will include tears and I just don’t feel like crying. Isn’t that strange? I know I am going to cry, I feel it, but I don’t want to. I’ve noticed the past week or two my emotions are riding higher than the high they usually ride.  I love butterflies-the kind you get in your stomach (doki doki). Butterflies are when a butterfly is in your belly flapping its wings, right? That’s what I believe wholeheartedly. It tickles and makes you nervous and it’s because something BREATH TAKING is on the horizon (something that makes you nervous-but the good/be brave/in love kind of nervous). The opposite, I have come to know are what I call “moths”. I’ve called them that for over a decade now. I imagine them to be just like butterflies but with thorns on their wings. When their wings flutter they give you a pain like sensation…a pit in your stomach. What scares me is when I get these and I’m not sure why. Our bodies are amazing. We can choose to listen to them when they tell us something-or ignore it. But for me-moths are like that red flag, they are a warning sign from deep within. I will be proceeding with caution but what I think is up ahead is a fit of sadness and tears and I will handle it with grace.

      351661072_img_1314

      I got home from Okinawa yesterday. I’ve been wanting to explore and been too reluctant to go on a journey by myself. Like a teacher scaffolding a student…I needed some support before I adventure out by myself. I went to Okinawa (by myself) and stayed with an “online friend”. I’m laughing out loud. A person that I had only known through interweb interactions. I would never. But I did. It’s not some catfish deal. This girl, she’s the REAL DEAL.

      A friend from home told me, “You HAVE TO REACH OUT TO CHRIS, she lives in Japan!” The friends I have at home are the most kind-hearted, genuine and real people I know. With a high priority suggestion like this coming from a person I trust with my heart, I reached out immediately. Okinawa has also been strongly recommended to me so I started asking Chris questions about Japan and if I could come visit. I hadn’t planned it because I’m not a planner. In Japan-people schedule everything. I hope I become accustomed to this myself. I wrote Chris on Tuesday, asking if I could come Wednesday or Thursday to visit for the weekend-then I bought my ticket. Thank goodness Chris has some wiggle room in her life to accept a visitor on such little/no notice. Sachiko was gracious enough to give me a ride to the airport…she knew I would likely get lost and miss such an early flight. I do miss that 15 minute commute to the Spokane airport.

      Okinawa was completely different than [Mainland] Japan. The Military base, even MORE different than JAPAN! I’ve been missing gatorade, peanut butter, jelly, budlight, pralines and cream ice cream, burgers, the laughter and chatter of children, home and the company of sleepovers/family meals. All these needs got fulfilled this weekend and I got to see the ocean (and so much more). Chris and her husband have two daughters who are full of sunshine, giggles, the greatest vocabulary and the cutest brown eyes and personality. Each morning I had a friend beside me-ready to listen to Fancy Nancy. Each night I had a meal with wonderful people. I could write an entire blog about Okinawa-it would mostly be about the people because they were the best part of the trip. Okinawa was great too (even on the coldest days of the year, hah). It was the closest I’ve ever been to a rainforest. A few of my favorite things that we did/saw in Okinawa:

      Going to the beach in the rain. NO people, beautiful shells and blue water.

      Going on Base-walking into a store and laughing because it felt like I was at home and I was walking into SuperOne. I got some treasures to bring home (Gatorade mix, jelly, peanut butter, shampoo) along with souvenirs. I even used USD! That blew my mind. If I would have let it slip my mind, I would have thought I was in America. However, I was so excited that I was in Japan and seeing these products that I haven’t had since I left the USA.

      Clothing-I was able to purchase some regular sized clothing that didn’t make me feel like such a giant (although, with my calorie intake my size seems to be increasing, oops).  [You know-the people who love you, love you no matter what. They also think you are the most beautiful human being in the word-and your size has nothing to do with their view of you. That’s my favorite kind of love. Best friend/mama Love.]

      LUNCH: I ordered a burger, friend rice and WINGS and then paid with USD.

      Regular sized rockstars: 97cents. I buy the smallest redbulls/monsters you have ever seen here [Mainland], for more than 2 dollars.

      The trees-I love the trees. I saw a pineapple bush for the first time as well as lots of other tropical fruits-some that were as big as my head! I got to go into a CAVE and learn about Habu snakes.

      Touched a large snake. Let fish nibble on my feet. Walked barefoot in the sand.

      I collected beautiful shells at the beach. When I got home I was unpacking, (my shell bag was in the kitchen) I kept hearing the crunch of plastic. I thought that the shells were going to fall off the counter, so I went to move them. To my surprise-I became a mom, to a crab! I checked each shell before I decided to keep it, but I missed this little guy (sorry bud, welcome home).

      Turns out, being a crab mom is hard. I miss my Sawyer pup.

      Spinach pancakes. Bed time stories. Morning snuggles.

      Okinawa was my first traveling adventure, while abroad. I did it with the support of Chris and her family. I am excited to see what I “plan” or decide to do next. Thank you for letting me into your home and allowing me to spend time with your family. I have no words to show the depth of my gratitude and appreciation.

      Back to the basics

      I ordered a pack of bows. As you may know, I was obsessed with bows. Obsession is a strong word. Obsessions for me come out of nowhere and BOOM I am fixated on whatever it is and I WANT it and I NEED it. When I was 18 an obsession with bows began. I was walking through Forever21 at the valley mall. There were 5 bows/a variety of colors. I got one of each. That day I started wearing 1 bow a day. I rotated these bows daily and since I had 5 it got me through the school week and on the weekend, I would repeat. I started collecting bows. I have hundreds at home. I wore a bow in my hair everyday for the next 7-8 years. My best friend and I got matching bow tattoos, too. On days I didn’t wear a bow-people would ask what was wrong and they were right…something was wrong. I didn’t just stop wearing bows. It happened gradually, however I thought since I had one tattooed it still counted as “wearing” one. It was kind of symbolic of me losing my sparkle. The days wore on me and the bows became less and less until I was no longer wearing bows. I’m ready to get my sparkle back. I’m introducing bows back into my life (hair). My hair is the longest it has ever been and IT’S STILL SCORCHING hot, my hair ends up in a bun on top of my head by the end of the day. I do change my hair at least 3x a day-maybe not clothing but the hair for sure. Up, down, braid, bun, down, French braids back to a bun. My latest obsession is Edward Newgate from One Piece but I think I’m moving on. I want to buy a sewing machine-but fabric is such an expensive mania to support.  My previous passion was headlamps.

      img_0938

      Have I told you how the children/staff take care of their school? There is cleaning time at the end of each day. It is incredible to see and be a part of this.

      Today, I got a hug from a student and a card from each girl on the softball team. Hard to believe we speak different languages yet we can communicate.

      My most favorite thing… I always use the word “sister” as a term of endearment. I said “hey sister” to a student and later told her why I said that. The next day I got surprised with a “hey sister” from that student. It made me about dance with joy.

      The way the students and the staff interact makes me smile. When I first started I was on edge every time I saw children goofing around, running inside, or rough housing. Now, I don’t even turn my head (unless I find it necessary). I’m accustomed to children not being able to touch, talk in the hallway, run inside (or outside for that matter). I’m comfortable with silent classrooms and eating/drinking during class. In Japan-students can touch, talk/sing/goof around in the hallway, run inside or outside, talk in class, but no eating or drinking.  Students have the coolest PE uniforms. It is their name-that their family writes on a piece of material and sews onto a shirt. I’m going to take a white shirt to school tomorrow and have a child make me one.

      The other weekend people were eating raw chicken. That goes against pretty much anything my health inspector brother has ever taught me about food. I was tempted to try it-but I was scared I would get sick before my trip to Okinawa. I have had more squid, liver, and heart. My taste buds are slow to adjust but they sure are.

      Children walk anywhere/everywhere at all ages, alone. I think my mom was walking me to school in kindergarten…these children-they don’t need mama to walk them. Siblings/families are not as close as I am with my family. From what most children say-they don’t get along with their siblings.

      Weekends are full of club activity. Some teachers work what seems like 8 days a week. Ok, maybe they have one day off-I applaud them.

      I am overly cautious. I know that. My best friend laughs at that. When we would have sleepovers in high school I would get up late at night just to see if the doors were locked, at her dads house. I still do that when I’m in the US. Windows and doors locked. I left my car unlocked ONE time in Spokane and it got broken into.  I have let my guard down a tiny bit (still making me far more careful than the average person) but I feel safe in my environment and that’s something I’ve never felt. Last week at the post office, I left my phone on the counter. I realized this when I got home. Walked back and guess what?! My phone hadn’t been touched. At home-it would have been gone.

      [2 side notes] 1. I am overly cautious because of my brothers, which is ironic because they are so protective of me. Before I could get out of my bed…(crib days I’m talking) I remember hearing a knock on my window, looking up and seeing a WEREWOLF. The shrill scream of my voice sent my mama in running. My brother had already disappeared-making it look like I was only throwing an overly dramatic fit. Overly cautious from incidents such as this-overly cautious from watching Freddy Kruger before I learned to write my name. 2nd I have sent a mass amount of letters out about three weeks ago. I’m going to be devastated if they don’t make it to Spokane/Texas. I hope they accidentally went SEA MAIL-and will appear this week. I sent my friends Kristy and Terry a letter my FIRST week in Japan…that still hasn’t arrived. I may need to start tracking what I send…especially when I am sending such a large amount of letters at once.

      When riding in a vehicle, I still walk to the (US passenger side) right front door which is the drivers side here. Watching a movie where people are driving on the left side-I feel naked…it doesn’t look or feel right. I’m adjusting to car life here.

      I’m cooking. This week I might turn my gas on so I can use the stove. Kind of want to see how long I can go without it…but I could probably go my entire stay in Japan. (HAH)

      Anything I cook is done by microwave/microwave oven. What I’m “cooking” is: rice, canned tuna/chicken, quesadillas and waffles (I should have smuggled some Ego’s/Pace salsa back from Okinawa). Cooking is an invaluable skill and I have yet to acquire it. Yuko did teach me to make fried rice but that requires a stove and so you can see why I’m not making that at this point in time.

      Snacks do not include fruit. Fruit is in its own category. (I think apples are a snack).

      Brothers/sisters and children/parents do not talk daily, sometimes not even frequently (few times a year). I always tell people-call your family. It’s important and at the very least it will make them smile.

      Moko, the darling who wrote the speech Actions Speak Louder Than Words made it to the NEXT ROUND! That means we will be going to Tokyo to support that lovely, most brave girl. I knew she would make it-PROUD OF YOU SISTER.

      I’ve been waking up before my alarm. I just started season three of Prison Break. My ability to tell the age of a person is completely skewed now.  I blame it on the FACT that people look on average, about 10 years younger than they are. I thought the guy in Prison Break was my age…he’s 47. I cannot tell the difference between 20’s and 40’s.

      I will start working out this week. My transit to school will now take about 25 minutes by bicycle, I guess that could be considered my work out. I’d like to start running again. After all, it is good for the heart, brain and body. We are crazy not to do things that are good for all three of those.

      I’ve encountered extreme kindness and friendliness. However, I do remember that there are rotten people. There are less unpleasant people in Japan-but they do exist. I’ve encountered a few.

      I was thinking about a “best kept secret” on my walk home today. You know what-I think I grew up the moment I realized that nothing is better kept as a secret. I was thinking of when this would be appropriate. I thought…maybe when you discover a delicious new mixture of food, an easier way to do your hair, the quickest way to defrost your windows…but when you find something great-you should tell the world because then other people will have something great too. To keep something to yourself that could benefit others is selfish-the dirty kind of selfish. To do things for yourself, that’s the kind of selfish people should strive to be. We have one chance to live out whatever it is that our heart desires. When I see people who aren’t doing that it crushes me. All people deserve to be happy and luckily we each have the key to our own happiness. People. People are never meant to be a secret. That will destroy a person quicker than the person who holds the secret. People cannot shine when they are kept in the dark. We are meant to shine.

      Halloween is sneaking up. Curious to see what will be done here. PRAYERS: Mama has surgery a week or so before Halloween-this year she won’t hand out candy. We have a tradition of eating chili and cinnamon rolls on Halloween. I hope that someone makes it for you this year Mom.

      Alright. Finishing an episode and headed to bed.

      More adventures to come.

      illie

    • How’s Your Heart?

      How’s Your Heart?

      How Are You? [The person asking (generally) doesn’t care what your answer is]

      I’m good, thanks! [The person answering is (generally) lying.]  How are you? [Automatic response with no regard for the answer]

      I’m good. [Lie because does that person care if you are having the worst day and you are holding back tears?] 

      1_RAL9WzJnG3-xeGizRkTrCA

      In Japan-there is no “small talk”. I have asked my friends-what do you say when you first see someone…It’s not, how are you. It’s a respectful greeting and then straight to communicating. No small talk…but when I am at the store it seems like the cashier says 1,000 things and I catch a thank you and your welcome somewhere in what sounds like never ending words. That’s what it sounds when you hear a language you do not know.

      Foreign languages. I cannot believe people can have entire conversations and I can have little idea of what it is about. I pay attention to body language and then I can understand about half of what is being said…just not through words, YET. 

      Spending time on something you don’t care about = intensely absurd

      When I go to a store in the USA, we have small talk to be polite. If you don’t want to talk, you still do it. It would be rude if you didn’t. That’s a bit crazy. [HOLD UP-In Spokane I have gone to the same grocery store since I can remember-those cashiers have seen me grow up. That’s not small talk. I love those people.]  Small talk seems to be comparable to busy work. It passes time by and is senseless and meaningless. I don’t know why this matters to me-we all have small talk (in the US), but I like that about Japan. You greet a person and then you begin your communications. No automatic “How are you” to begin each conversation. Everything is automatic nowadays [toilets, sinks, bicycles, doors, lights]. People ask how are you that as an automatic response in America…Yet, people are the only thing that cannot be automatic. We are not automatic and our conversations should not be either.

      The person asking generally doesn’t care what your answer is because we ask without thought-like a reflex. The person answering is lying because they know you don’t really care. What in the world. This is where we go wrong. Not caring how one another are doing. I’m guilty too. “How are you” can slip out of my mouth before I realize that I am asking a complete stranger how they are doing (someone that I will never see again…and this complete stranger just lied to me by saying they are good because who would tell a stranger their life?) I would.

      We have to share our life stories.

      I do ask “the question” by accident sometimes but I am trying to be intentional about listening to what the person says. If they say ok, I ask what is going on. Being okay-is similar to surviving in my opinion. If you are okay…you are only going through the motions of life-something is going on and you could probably use a friend.

      In Japan: okay=good

      For Rachel: okay=your heart hurts. 

      • Why in the world would we ask how somebody is doing-if we don’t care to hear the answer? I say we-so that you don’t feel so bad that you do this every single day. I say WE so that I don’t feel bad that I do it too.
      • Why is it polite to initiate a conversation that you do not want to have in the first place?
      • Why is it rude not to talk?
      • When you say “good” do you ever actually mean that you are doing good? Replying with good is automatic-there is nothing put into it. I have been working on being honest when somebody asks “how are you”. I am going to assume you want to know how I am doing if that is what you ask me. If you don’t want to know…don’t ask.
      • Aren’t we supposed to MEAN what we SAY and say what we mean?
      • How do we make every interaction meaningful?
      • Asking a friend how they are doing is not small talk. It is situational (I think).

      I want every single interaction I have to be positive. I want to improve the quality of lives. The lives of children, family, friends, even strangers. When I would be asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up”, I never was sure (until Mrs. Rypien changed my life) I just knew that I wanted to impact the world in a positive way. Maybe giving a compliment, a genuine compliment to each person would be a better way to start a conversation.

      I prefer to ask-How’s your heart. I want to know how your heart is doing (I know it’s beating DAD). If I asked chichi “How’s your heart” I can tell you right now he would say “beating”.

      Your heart is the chamber of your fears, happies, sads…the house of all your feelings. When I ask how is your heart-I want to know how you are doing as a person, how your life is, how your feelings are.

      I asked several people-what do you say when you are next to a stranger and you want to say hello.  You don’t.   What if you want to be their friend?   No-you don’t do tha. . .

      YES, I DO.       

      In America it is easy to start conversations and say hello to anybody. It would be strange to say “want to be friends” no matter where you are in the world…but I’m trying to be intentional with my words and say what I mean. I have used that phrase more than once and acquired 2 new friends through doing so. Do not confuse this with asking to be Facebook friends. I’m asking people if we can create a friendship-not if I can scope their Facebook page.

      Everyone here has been a stranger to begin with. Everybody is a stranger to begin. Strangers are just friends in the making, some strangers will even become your people. Except for the rare occasion when you meet a stranger that you need to run in the opposite direction from. That happens too. Trust your intuition with people-it is usually right. When people present you with a “red flag“, it is a RED FLAG-doesn’t matter who you want this person to be. Red flags = red flags [no matter how you look at it]. I’ve thrown more red flags out of my imaginary window than I’d like to admit. Red flags are warning signs or advanced notice of what is to come. WOW. We get warnings long before the person lets us down. A red flag is equivalent to a warning sign. Proceed with caution-danger is ahead.

      There is something to this. We could avoid bad situations, feelings, decisions by observing and LISTENING to the warnings. Therefore, it imperative to treat people with kindness and respect. If we treat people poorly, we end up being the person to hand out the red flags. The times I feel the most miserable/guilty are when I handed out my own red flag (giving warning to a person that I could be a terrible, harmful, insensitive or mean human). Looking back-I would have avoided every single life lesson I have learned, had I “seen” the warnings. However, you can’t see something if you don’t know what you’re looking for. As a adolescent I didn’t know that your actions were/are who you are. I still like to ignore the stupid flags-but I see that they are (mostly) accurate. I say mostly because I know I have thrown up my own red flags according to others…but sometimes we do make mistakes and do something that is out of character for us. This is not to be mistaken with judging, it absolutely is not judging. You are not making a decision about somebody prior to knowing them-or letting your opinion of them be swayed by something other than their actions.  Letting someone’s actions define them gives you evidence to support your view of them. Actions speak louder than words. Moko, a beautiful young lady that I adore submitted a speech to a university in Tokyo called Actions Speak Louder Than Words. I had seen this bag that I wanted a store within my first week of being in Japan. It said(says) Actions speak louder than words. I looked at it daily for at least 2 weeks. (At the time this was the only place I knew how to get to…so I went there every day!) I wanted it because I believe that to be true…But I didn’t know if 1,000 Yen (10 dollars) was in my budget when I arrived here but then… this beautiful human being says she is writing a speech called Actions Speak Louder than words. SAY WHAT! Being a person who is as sentimental as me-this was meant to be. Not only did I go back and get one of these bags but I got two. I knew that I had to get one for this person who also believed that actions are the single most powerful means of communication. This young lady has a heart of gold, like her Mama. These girls who were strangers to me 2 months ago are now my people. The people who I will be connected with for life. Soul Sistas. You are the company you keep. Back to that. Seeing the people I have in my life…I hope that I am the company I keep-because they are astounding. Stay close to people who feel like sunshine.

      Sports Day- Extraordinary

      In America we have NOTHING like this. Here it is called “Sports Day” A day that is all about sports. A festival that the entire student body participates in. Relays, races, dances, and marching. I could not believe the synchronicity, talent, strength and skill that these kids possess at such a young age. Everybody should see this at least once in their life. I loved it because I enjoy sports, but I do wonder how people view it that do not enjoy watching/playing sports. I just laughed out loud thinking about enjoying sports. A friend said to me, “I think you are boy-ish”. I didn’t know if I should take this as a compliment or an insult because being “boy-ish” is a perk of having three older brothers.

      Even if I did have a choice…I wouldn’t change a thing. Having three older brothers is the greatest gift I have ever been given. People often say, “you’re the only girl, that must have been terrible.” I cannot even comprehend where people get the idea that it could have been terrible. It was anything but. Many things I have learned in life have come in some shape or form, from my brothers. They have been my heros, hurts, saviors, protectors and a source of grief and happiness. I have never met any siblings that are as close as we are (especially with an age difference like ours). We have gone through events that some siblings/families go through. We have gone through some situations that other families have never dreamed of-but have seen in the movies. I’m not sure why we are different than most brothers and sisters. But we talk everyday, we rough house, we visit each other, we share our happies and our sads and sometimes we are each other’s happy and/or sad.

      Being an athlete myself-I’ve stayed to watch/play sports with the students. The coaches here put more time into their clubs than some people put into their daily job (in America). Club activities take up after school time and weekends. Dedication. In the United States we would have games after school that lasted until 5pm. Those were late nights for everybody (coaches and students). A normal day-practice was over at 4:30. Here practice ends at 6:00pm. Games are just “matches” the real games are the games that are played during tournaments, on weekends. We never have tournaments unless you are part of a team outside of school. Sports day was one of the coolest experiences I have ever had. I got to be in a teacher replay which nearly gave me a panic attack (I’m such a wuss). Good thing I didn’t know until RIGHT BEFORE it was time.

      Something I giggle about frequently…How many times I use to change my clothes during the day. When I was teaching in America, I rarely ended the day in the same outfit I began it in. I had enough clothes in my classroom to live. I would change because I was uncomfortable. Maybe too hot, too cold or was going to PE with my students. I changed at least twice a day. Here-the teachers change more than I did! Now I don’t change at all. Teachers wear suits-EVERYDAY. But during the day I see several switches. Anywhere from 1-4 or 5. Suit to gym clothes and back to the suit. Teachers here change because of the classes they have or activities they are doing during the day. The teachers have a locker room!  What I would wear teaching in America would not be appropriate here. It is much more formal. You should see the uniforms the students wear. They are so neat and tidy-boys with suits and girls with skirts and cardigans. No khakis and polo shirt. Some people never own a suit-these children wear one every day!

      Manners…Using my hands to eat…pick food up is a no no. (I can use chopsticks now). Luckily, I have the greatest friends so they just laugh and tell me that “manners” are a thing here and I should not do that. I would say I have manners. I always say please and thank you and chew with my mouth closed. I make a point to be kind to people and in a way, that is manners. Standing while eating might not be done by many but I do that often and it’s polite to sit. You know when you’re so hungry you grab a piece of pizza and eat it while standing? (Everyone does that, right?!) I don’t use dishes. I don’t enjoy washing the dishes so I avoid that by not using dishes. More people should do that. When I do use dishes, I do my own so nobody else has to. If everyone did their own dishes, there would never be dishes to wash. My dad-he always HAS to use a plate even if it is a meal that you get that is basically on a plate/tray. Most people use the paper that the TOGO burger is wrapped in as a plate (or is that just me?)…not chichi.

      Growing up, we did not eat at a table. I don’t think we could. We did it a few times a year and I’m pretty sure each time we did I ended up crying from being hit, made fun of, or from laughing so hard. Tom was/is notorious for hitting me under the table. When I was mad enough I would retaliate and then RUN for my life because once I got caught-my retaliation would be the biggest mistake a little sister could make. This didn’t happen because we had parents who didn’t discipline us. You’re thinking, wow their parents let them do whatever they wanted. No. Our parents are the most caring, supportive, loving, parents a bunch of little stinkers could have.

      We just had a hard time having all six of us in such close headquarters. Driving to Nebraska, from Washington, that was even harder than sitting at a dinner table together. Six people. Six Binger’s together-it was/is beautiful chaos.

      The mornings are cooling off. HAPPY OCTOBER! Time is going too fast. The one thing we can’t slow down. Typhoon #24 was yesterday. Number 25 will be next week. I ordered a mattress (expensive yoga mat) from Amazon.

      You may or may not know that I came to Japan to become the person I am meant to be. I did not like who I was becoming. I had/have a lot of self-growth and learning to do. Moving locations is only geographic. But moving countries by myself with the intention of becoming the person I want to be-that’s the roots of my heart spreading. It’s happening each day. I feel it. While my roots are developing I feel like the roots of people I love are shriveling. I hate that I cannot be there to love and support my people. However, I am here because I couldn’t continue to let my love and support for my people consume me anymore.

      screenshot_20180707-194205_instagram

      You know-a lot of hurt/hate lives inside of us? I’m thinking of a person right now that I dislike(d) very much. Not because I was jealous. This person was genuinely mean. When I thought about this person my heart would pound, instant anxiety. Now when I think of this person I feel sorry for them. I let them live inside me for months. I hated them, was scared of them and sometimes getting out of bed felt like a challenge/battle. This person wasn’t physically in front of me. You can’t hurt me if your not physically HERE. I had to let this idea sink in. Because emotional pain is different. But I don’t have to let emotions live in me. I’m still letting this idea sink in…but I’m learning that you will only be as hurt as you let yourself be. Pain is real. But letting pain make or break you-that is real thoughtless. A battle within yourself is the most tragic of all battles if you don’t win.

      I have never been able to verbalize these emotions as eloquently as a loved one has:

      “Is it impossible to embrace this miserable feeling almost like a rebirth and to be proud because you’re finally doing something you want to do more than anything…even though you feel dead inside? I feel old and tired like a prisoner of war. I hope this escape is final and for good with as few casualties as possible. I will fight with everything I’ve got knowing it will be my last battle. I’m not going into battle for glory, but for a victory at all costs…I hope to feel small but very strong feelings of victory as I know I am still standing although I am using a cane to do so…”

      People feel this way…but what the are they supposed to do when they feel this? How can people feel this, yet we don’t have access to the resources they need to go to battle. I’ve learned that my hurts are no deeper or worse than yours, just as yours are no more real, painful than mine. A situation might be worse for a person…but the pain they feel is NO different than the pain you feel. In my life-I thought I was the only one for a long time. The only one that had panic attacks, cried myself to sleep or had to start turning my phone off after 9pm.

      When I learned I wasn’t the only…it was a weight lifted from my shoulders and placed onto my heart.

      I couldn’t/can’t stand the thought of other people feeling that kind of pain. I’d rather have been the only one than to know there are thousands of people who experience the same unfortunate events that I have, every day. Our hurts are all different but what if our pain is the same? Wouldn’t it be a more caring world if we all knew that each person has pain as severe as our own? Wouldn’t that help make us more empathetic and sympathetic?

      When I think back to being 16, I was miserable. I think about the number of people I hated. I hated more people than I liked. I knew that these wouldn’t be my best days while others would never have better days. Some people don’t ever move past the hate, mistakes and regrets the make. I don’t think I would still be here today if I remained the person I was back then. [I had a teacher that saved my heart. Once this happened…I knew that I had to be a teacher. If I could impact even ONE life the way she changed mine…it would be worth it. Thanks Ryp. I love you dearly.] I’d say most people walk out of high school on the last day-the same person they were when they walked in 4 years previous. I walked out of high school a completely different person than I was when I started. Then-I went to college. I left there a entirely different person. I have yet to say I left, a complete-or whole person. With each new chapter in life I have transformed, developed and grown. I don’t think that I need to be “completed” or whole-I prefer to be a work in progress.

      Life is hard. Be kind.

      illie