Just be

Category: wakayama

  • Sad should never be wrapped

    Sad should never be wrapped

    Had I known how to save a life.

    I use to sing that song at the top of my lungs. I thought-wow this song is real. I’m sitting here now recalling the lyrics…I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life…but does that save a life? How many nights have you stayed awake to watch a person you love, sleep… Or been a partner in crime because being the right-hand man was better than feeling like not being anything at all. (I say “you” because it’s less alienating for me.) I’ve been trying to be a life jacket for people sinking, since I can remember.

    Do these people owe me anything? Absolutely NOT. Am I some super great person who saves lives? Nope. I am however, a human being who wants every person I encounter to know how abundantly loved they are.

    That’s the other difficult part of life. You hear in movies and on TV, you read it in books in motivational quotes…we cannot love someone else until we love ourselves. We cannot see the ever-flowing love that others have for us, until you care about ourselves. (I say “we” because it’s less alienating for you). I always say, [to people, friends, family, students] “You are loved”. I don’t often say, “I am loved”. I’m going to start saying that more.

    Before I moved to Japan my friend had a going away party for me, at her home. It felt like the first time in my life that people came together for me. Purely, for me. People came to love me. I still have a hard time with that. I think of it more as just people coming together, to share happiness. But that night as I looked around at the people who gathered, I felt and saw love.

    How do you help people who seem incapable of being happy? Are some people incapable of being happy?

    Anchors keep you in one place by weighing you down.

    When I get too involved in helping others, the anchor gets too heavy and we both start to sink. I’m not a life jacket. I’m a human.

    I’ve been pulled down, deep and one thing I’m not yet confident at is swimming back up alone.

    Many people like the anchor symbol in relation to family/life. I think I prefer a tree. Strongly rooted, morals and values run deep. But the outside and the surface level “stuff” changes with each day.

    People love trees. I love trees. I don’t love just one season of their beauty. I love their core. I think most people can agree on that.

    Trees are not expected to stay in bloom or keep their leaves, year-round. They lose their leaves and they are still perfectly strong and beautiful. Then, green begins to return and they are still unique and perfect.

    I taught a lesson about infinite worth to my students. I think I have written about this before, it’s a good enough experience to be shared again.

    My students were having a hard time respecting one another and just getting along. They were unable to make the right choices if I was not there to see it.

    I lined up with 5 adults from various life stages that worked at my school. Familiar faces to the children but they knew me best. 2 men and 3 women. Ages, 21-65. We each told my class about ourselves.

    Our accomplishments and our downfalls. What we considered to be the most important factors in life, that made us who we were, at the time.

    Then, I asked the students to line us up. Make a list beginning with who had the most worth. The person they thought was most important, to the least important.

    I had one student (that girl..wow) that said, this is not possible, it cannot be done.

    I forced her to do it.

    1. Mr _________
    2. Mr _________
    3. Mrs________
    4. ________
    5. Miss Binger

    Thinking back, I cannot remember if I was 4th or 5th. As the results came in and we lined up in the positions decided by 9 year old’s, I nearly dropped to my knees.

    I had spent 9 months with these children. These students I had been sharing my life with, my daily love and teachings, thought I was worth less than others.

    It didn’t matter where I was on the list. It was that so many kids had an easy time making this list. Students knew me best another woman BEST, and they thought the least of us, they thought we were less important than others.

    Through my tears I began to explain, every single person you meet in life has infinite worth. Every single person. That means that a college graduate is no better than a person who has/doesn’t have a GED. A person with children isn’t better than a person without. No body is better than another person.

    Like a tree.

    Trees are all different. Some I like more. Regardless, each tree has an unmeasurable amount of worth. A flower tree that is no longer blooming, a pine tree, a tree so small you could crush it on accident. There is an unimaginable amount of potential in every tree.

    There is an unimaginable amount of potential in every single person.

    Every single person has immeasurable worth.Infinite worth.

    This isn’t a moral I grew up with. It is one I am still learning. Once I heard the quote “every single person you ever meet has infinite worth” [Kent Hoffman] there was a shift in my heart.

    I would never judge a flower for any reason-I JUST LOVE FLOWERS.

    Why would I judge a person?

    I have never come to know a person that I didn’t like. The key words are come to know. Hearing the story of a person and their past is not a reason to judge them, it’s a gift of seeing how a person became who they are.

    5/27/19

    This morning I sat outside of my school on the stairs and cried. I sat here at my computer beforehand and I could feel it coming. There was no point in trying to delay the tears or fight them. It’s crazy. The people around me are busy and going on about there day I’m sitting here feeling half heart broken. [This too shall pass.] The last thing I want is someone to ask if I’m okay or what is wrong…but at the same time this is a new situation for me. Generally, I am a cry in private kind of person. Maybe even cry in the shower so I can’t differentiate between the water and tears. I am learning how to deal with feeling invisible. That is not something I would ever promote because my goal in life is to let all people know, “I see you”. However, it is important for me to realize that I will not always be seen and that is when I must rely on myself to be my greatest support. After all, I’m the only support that will always 100% of the time, be there. At this exact moment, I’m having a difficult time doing that.

    Last year, if I made it through the week without crying, it was a WIN. Now, here I am crying for that year and those children. Goodness, we had a tough year but boy, did we love fiercely and make the perfect family.

    I’ve been so happy to be here in Japan and learning how to be a better teacher and person that I haven’t felt what I’m feeling now.  I’ve been thinking about how 2 years in Japan isn’t long enough and how fast time goes.

    But maybe 2 years here is perfect. One year down and I’m crying for the children I was lucky enough to teach. This time of year is when my third grade family would really come together. I could see and feel the growth of those little humans and I would be so proud of how far we came, together. Academic growth but most importantly the growth of our hearts. Nothing made me happier than seeing a child help a friend up, give them knuckles for trying, or rebound the ball for a friend and let them try again. Here, I switch schools every six months. I have made some great relationships and come to know many students and I am grateful each opportunity here.

    To my past students: I miss you. You are a giant part of who I am and who I want to be. Thank you, for being you.

    5/31/19 summer is sneaking up.

    Students in Japan are out of school from July 20 until the End of August. Teachers have a FOUR DAY BREAK. FOUR DAYS. While students are on summer break I will have “office days”. These are days where I am in an office…by myself or potentially with another ALT.

    I am hoping to do two things this summer. See my new nephew in Texas and see my mom before/after her hip surgery. Those are two things that I NEED to do.

    Today is the last day of May. It is uncomfortable how fast time goes. June is a busy month. There are no days off school during June.

    I started eating healthy. I’d been doing that for about a week. I was eating non-processed food. [Mostly fish and veggies.] One night I decided not took cook and I had an adult beverage. The next day, I was dying. I think my body HATES pizza and adult beverages. I’ve never taken such time away from ANY food. I’ve always ate what I wanted to eat, when I want. When I woke up the next morning, my throat hurt, my lips were oddly, red and my body felt weak.

    Those things must be like poison to my body. I never knew though, because that is the way I have always eaten. Waking up with a headache, having a stomachache, feeling allergy like symptoms became my normal. Now, I must decide if food/adult beverages are worth an entire day of feeling physically, sick.

    I always joke that I figured out how to beat lactose intolerance. You just have to give your body so much of it that it becomes immune to lactose. I was eating a quart of ice cream a day. Eventually my stomach no longer hurt. When you can’t beat um, join um! Just do enough of it to where your body gets use to it.
    Just kidding. I did do that, but any health professional would say there is something the matter with me.

    I’m trying to stop taking Tylenol. I try to be preemptive with headaches and bite them before they consume me. 95% of days, I have a headache so I’ve adapted to taking Tylenol 100% of the days.

     

    6/3/19 Happy June.

    6/18/19 Oh my gosh. June is half way over.

    Where is time going? The past few weeks have been full of anxiety, tears and sleep-while trying to keep all the happies in clear sight.

    Last Friday, I went home and went to bed around 4pm. Not a nap, bed. I woke up the next morning around 8AM. I decided to get myself out of bed, even though staying in bed was clearly the easier choice.

    I rode by bicycle an hour to get to an Onsen. I was excited to relax and have some time to myself at a hotspring that was new to me. I walked in, proud of myself for biking there, locating it and doing it all by myself.

    Walked in and said “Onsen!” and the staff handed me the rules of the Onsen, in English. Wahoo.

    Half way through [skimming] I see no body paint…I was relieved…but then I read that statement closer. No body paint or tattoos allowed. I pointed to my “illie” tattoo and said, okay? The employee said no, sorry.

    I walked out, crying. I stood there crying for about 5 minutes-until the rain began to POUR. Not some light, no umbrella needed kind of rain. A kind of rain so hard that even cars were pulling over. My tears turned to a brief madness and before I knew it I was reminding myself to “dance in the rain”.

    My Brief madness was about being judged. Japan is very strict. Rules apply to every single person and nothing is ever situational. Sometime life requires you to hear a person’s story or situation in order to accommodate or help them to the best of your ability. Sometimes you must listen.

    I know that the rules are in place for a reason.

    I understand and respect that.

    It was a reminder to me that I appreciate compassion and empathy and a place where people are willing to look at the person in front of them.

    I had some dental work done about a week ago. It wasn’t as terrifying as I thought it would be, but it was still pretty stinking scary. I got the laughing gas for the first time in my life. I didn’t feel any more relaxed?

    I got some fillings removed and covered back up…until my appointment next week when I will get my princess crowns. The only crowns I’ll ever wear.

    6/25/19

    It’s the end of June. WHAT.

    Father’s day was last Sunday. Another day of the year that I adore. I try to celebrate my dad far more often than once a year-but I sent him some extra love VIA snail mail for father’s day. My dad has the hardest job of any person I have ever met. My parents’ job is never ending. There are no hours of rest or days without worries.

    Do you know all your parents want? Their greatest wish…

    It is to see their children happy.

    I have a whole lot of love for you dad. I have to reserve it for myself right now because my happy tank light is flashing, empty. For the record, I am happy. You and mom are the greatest team and I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am, without you.

    I’ve been missing home. I wanted to hug my mom and I have a friend who personally delivered her a hug within 24 hours of me asking. Terry, you have always been my Angel on Earth. I love you and appreciate all that you are. Thank you.

    A new Binger entered the ring on June 18th weighing in at a whole 8 pounds 4 ounces. Baby Jax is here. My newest/second nephew. This is my first summer not spending a month in Texas or with my first born nephew. Usually we spend a month dinking around, playing at the park and laughing together (until mom and dad get home, then he pretends he doesn’t know me).

    Last weekend I went to an Onsen with Sachiko and her family. Her daughter is heading to college in the states next week! We visited our last Onsen together…and they dressed me in Yukata!! It was a big happy for me. For all of us.

    We got burgers at one of our favorite places after. They restocked their stickers. I love their stickers…so I bought 30 of them…? As my dad would day “you went a little cooky didn’t you?” I sure did…and now I wish I would have bought more.

    I attended the Spokane/Nishinomiya sister city welcome party for students that are here from Spokane. I met Yuko there. We laughed, a ton.

    Afterwards we listened to live music and enjoyed an evening together. This, was a good day. Sunday, I watched students play volleyball. I love when I get the chance to see students play sports. I don’t remember a teacher ever coming to watch me play sports…but my dad was always there.

     

    Speaking of Angel’s on Earth…I lived next door to one most of my life. That woman, Liz, is so much more than a neighbor to me. My neighbor moved. Saying that sounds pitiful when I think of the situation. Liz wasn’t just my neighbor. She is a friend, grandmother, an open ear/shoulder, a support, a smile…and that’s just a few words to describe what she is to me. When I visit home I always make a visit to her. Now that she’s in a different state I’m going to have to find a little more time to squeeze in our porch visit…but I hope that I can. Love you Liz.

    I went back to finish my dental work yesterday.

    Guess who cracked the crowns during the fitting…

    This girl….

    I was just saying how I was starting to enjoy the dentist…I need to learn to just keep my mouth shut. Hah. Every man in my family has been trying to teach me that lesson for years.

    I must have cried for 3 hours yesterday. I felt bad that I cracked the crowns. I felt bad because my appointment was so long and I didn’t want to be in pain but I was. I was crying for so many reasons and the only way I got the tears to stop…was to walk. My friend Sachiko has spent HOURS with me at the dentist. Translating. She should be paid from both ends. Unfortunately, I couldn’t finish any of the work that needed to be done. I will go back and be put under to resume what was started. L

    My eyelids were swollen this morning and my head is still pounding. Nothing like a cry hangover to begin the day.

    Now that it is the end of June…I can tell you that nearly the entire month of June has kicked my butt. Looking back, it actually started in May.

     

    6/26

    Cried on the phone with my best friend yesterday.

    Got a package from my mama including hot tamales from my dad. Got a card from my sweet Kristy.

    I get sad that I can’t be at home to hug and cheer my parents up (be their sunshine). But my friend Sachiko said that the sun shines across the ocean and can still be felt even though I’m here. I loved that. But yesterday, I experienced that. My people in Spokane have been a big source of sunshine for me the past few days. Thank you for that. You have helped me and I feel your love. You have been a big part of getting out of bed in the morning.

    Tomorrow I get to celebrate YUCHAN’s BIRTHDAY!!!! In Japan, birthdays aren’t a big deal. I guess at home they really aren’t a huge deal either…

    But in Japan birthdays are almost nonexistent. I feel happysad to be celebrating people and making a big deal about their birthdays. Happy because I am glad I get to love/appreciate/celebrate them on their special day, but sad that I might be the first person to ever make a big deal about the day they were BORN.

    I think it is kind of exciting for my friends here. Excitement might not be the right word. But I think it is a new love that some are feeling for the first time.

    Birthdays of loved ones…the greatest holiday of the year.

     

    Some happies:

    Firefly hunting (looking)

    Seeing students playing in the river, shoes off, laughing

    Package from home

    Letters from friends

    7/3/19

    Happy July. At the end of this month I will have been in Japan for an entire year. I’m still trying to figure out where my heart and mind are at. Life doesn’t usually kick my butt like it is right now.

    I went to Awaji Island for the weekend and had an incredible time. I got to spend time with children which can heal anybody’s hurts.

    I’m trying to say yes to as many opportunities as I can. I will go to a few upcoming festivals and spend time with friends.

    The easy thing to do is go home and go to bed. Which I’ll admit…some days I do. But, I’m trying not to.

    Got put out for my dental work a few days ago. I remember it still hurting a little. I have one more appointment left and the work in that area of my mouth is finished. I’m pretty friendly with the staff at my dentist now. They have seen me laugh, cry, sleep…they know me well.

    I have yet to wrap this blog up because there is no good way to wrap up sad.

    July I am looking forward to the star festival, a trip to Kyoto, my dad’s birthday, an adventure with new friends and hopefully some time to reflect, grow, let go of anger, and find myself again.

    Also, I have shaved half of my head…. 😮

    Glad to be living where the sun always rises.

    illie.

    Come on Rachel. Let’s do this.

  • Because I have changed

    Because I have changed

    4/10/2019

    Entrance ceremony was today. If you have never heard of or seen an entrance ceremony, you need to google it. The gym is decorated and parents, students and staff welcome new students (1st graders). The band is playing, everybody claps for an extended period of time while the new class members walk in. There are flowers, music, clapping, and speeches to welcome the new students. I’ve never seen anything like it. The beginning and end of things are celebrated here-many ceremonies.

    I’ve been going to the river each day after work to admire the cherry blossoms. I can’t get enough of the beauty and happiness of a single cherry blossom. I always say that babies bring people together. I find magic in a variety of things but especially in babies.

    Children have the power to bring families together and put sparkle back in people that have lost it. There is joy, love and happiness that stems from the presence of children.

    In Japan I see this exact magic in cherry blossoms.

    There are people sitting below cherry blossoms in every direction. I hear laughter, camera shutters, cans opening and the running river. I see couples, families, friends and children all enjoying the company of one another. People are eating, drinking, playing games and people are genuinely, happy.  I even see people like me, enjoying the beauty by themselves.

    I feel magic. Sakura season brings people together.

    There are these poles that I imagine are to keep cars of walking paths. They are about three feet tall. I have nearly walked into them while I’m looking up at the flower trees. (My dad has experience with these…I learned from his mistake.)

    I’m headed to Wakayama this weekend. I’m excited to go back.

    I went to Yuasa, Wakayama all of Saturday, stayed the night and headed home early on Sunday. Check out was at 10:00 AM and I started to feel an intense sick feeling around 9. I walked the beach in hopes that fresh air, crystals and shells would help whatever this feeling was, pass. I also wasn’t going to miss out on one last beach comb, even if I did feel miserable.

    The train I planned on taking home was cancelled. HAH. Of course it was. My two hour journey…took six hours. At one point I was suppose to switch trains. I missed that opportunity and took an hour detour. Oops.

    4/23/19

    Next week is a holiday in Japan. Golden week. I heard before moving here how big of a deal golden week is. However, this year it is extra special. For the first time in 50 some years there will be 10 days off in a row! You know what that means.

    Father will be here.

     

    5/10/19

    Hard to believe that Golden Week has already come and gone. I’ve been back at work for an entire week.

    5/13/19

    Quick flashback of April.

    Cherry blossoms.

    School party.

    Nishinomiya Storks basketball game.

    Old Spaghetti factory

    chipped tooth

    Chichi arrived

    Treasure stores

    Tigers game

    May:

    Osaka Aquarium

    Nishinomiya Marina Celebration-new Emporer

    Beach days at Suma

    Shell collecting and crab hunting

    Dentist x2

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    Little China Town

    Nishinomiya beach-Kite flying and crab hunting

    This day-my dad used his famous reverse psychology. “You can’t ride your bike through the sand.”

    Tell me I can’t and I’ll show you I can.

    Which I did…until the sand got too deep and I had this terrible, horrible, slow motion fall, into the sand. I was laughing too hard to get up and my bike was on top of me. My dad was watching from afar. After being on the ground laughing for a few minutes, a woman came and pulled my bike off of me. I was laughing from embarrassment and because falling off your bike is always funny, as long as you are okay. Then a group of children came and asked me if I was okay.

    Children’s day

    Dad left

    I go to a Special Education school once a month. The teachers are some of the best I have ever seen. The way they care for the students and know each one is inspiring.

     

    All sorts of new things at Mikura, in Kobe. I went to this amazing restaurant with my friend, Ayano. [When my bag didn’t make it to Japan, Ayano was the one who helped me at the airport-that is when our friendship began.] We went to her parents restaurant where I tried food I never thought I’d EVER eat.

    I started by trying those tiny little [whole] squids and the fish with the skin. There was clam, squid, octopus, tuna and many more finely prepared fish. It was displayed beautifully and prepared by Ayano’s family. Her parents are the owners of this fabulous place. The tempura was the best I have ever had. Maybe, the best food I have ever had.

    When I experience new things like this-I feel like a child. I am surprised and in awe. My facial expressions and the sounds I make, are a show for people to watch. Which I don’t mind…I love when I see a children experiencing something for the first time. I’d enjoy watching me too, where the same joy, surprise and happiness that is displayed by a five year old can be observed in a 29 year old who is just seeing a new world, for the first time.

    Sei Tai-massage, muscle stretching, chiropractic work. AMAZING.

    Out and about. Met new friends and a furry one 🙂

    And this brings us to present day. Mother’s Day in the USA.

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    I know many wonderful mothers. Grandmothers who are mothers for the second time ‘round. People who care for children that may not call them, mom. I celebrate many people today, but most of all, my own Mama.

    Mom’s are so busy with life and children that it seems like it would be easy to forget:

    you have a little human who wants to be just like you.

    I remember having the thought when I was younger-how can we all call an amazing, caring, loving, woman by the same name?  How can every single mother, be called mom?? How can I call my mom by the same name everybody else uses for their mom?!

    I thought that each mom should have a name that is special to her, because each mom is special.

    But it isn’t the name that is special. It is the woman behind the name.

    Some people don’t associate the word mom with love, sunshine, happiness, flowers, support, animals, and joy-like I do. When I say I want to be a mother-I don’t mean I simply want a child.

    I want to be that deep rooted starshine for a child. I want to be my mom, for my own. My mom brings sunshine to not only my life, but all who know her. I have the pleasure of saying, “I’m just like my mom, we love everything and anything makes us happy”. I can only hope that one day I have a child who loves me as much as I love my mama. My mom would read to me until I fell asleep. She would get me my favorite popsicles when I was sick. When I need to know how to cook chicken [or anything] I still call her. When I don’t know what to eat for dinner, I call my mom and she decides.

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    We laugh. My mom refills my heart. I miss you mama and I wait for your time in Japan.

    Happy Mother’s Day, Mama.

    I’m missing my favorite time of year in Spokane. I love when the grass is greener than ever and all that was sleeping during the cold is coming back to life. I’m already dripping sweat here.

    I have a daily battle with my hair. I like to have it up high so it’s off my neck-but when it is up high I can’t wear my ball cap. [Therefore, they made visors.] However, I have not yet brought myself to get one. I guess I’ll do that this week. The thought of shaving my head has also crossed my mind a dozen times, but I’m too scared to just do it.

     

    I’ve began to experience a different kind of joy, love and life that is new to me.

    The more I love life and myself, the more life loves me back.

    My thoughts shape my days. I’ve always been a positive person, maybe more so on the outside. Now I radiate happy because I’m positive on the inside. I guess my way of thinking has changed which is changing me.

    This reminds me. My dad’s first visit here, we were talking with somebody about my first month here. I was explaining how people never smiled at me or said hello. They told me, “just wait, in a few months everybody will be saying hello and talking to you”. I thought…Hmmh, maybe they just have to see me around the neighborhood enough and be comfortable with me before the conversations begin.

    9 months later, I don’t go out the door without seeing a student or saying hello to somebody. I told my dad this and he saw it when he was here. We thought of what the man had said about everybody saying hello in a few months.

    My dad said something along the lines of,

    “I don’t think it’s because the people here changed, I think it’s because you changed”

    Holy goodness. How powerful is that?

    Because I’ve changed.

    Yesterday, I went to my favorite Ramen Shop. Really just my favorite place in Japan. There was one seat open, in between two strangers. 10 months ago, I would have left. Yesterday, I squeezed right up in there without hesitating.

    As I sat there, I thought…this is where it all began.

    My first day in Japan. Rai Rai Tei is where it all started.

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    My change.

    My love for Shirohige and Onepiece.

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    My appreciation for unspoken communications.

    My love for Japan and myself.

    Yesterday when I sat down, the employee pointed to what I always get and I said, “yes”. This is the majority of our communication. Yet, I love these people, the restaurant and I am comfortable here. We have never communicated in one another’s language, but we communicate. I look forward to seeing the staff and I feel welcome. I enjoy everything about this place and I go at least once a week. This is a special place for me. This new happiness, it began, there.

    There are so many point cards used in Japan. I am a proud card holder for two craft stores and a mall.

    The super nintendo is different for foreigners. The one they use here looks different.

    Mother’s Day is not as big of a deal as it is in the USA.

    Students are having a trial week. They are all out at different jobs, seeing what it is like for a week, in a work place!!

    I am going to be helping some elementary students learn English a few times a month.

    For the amount of time I have spent studying Japanese, you would expect me to be fluent. I’m uh…beginner level. Japanese is DIFFICULT.

    I use a calendar now.

    I’ve stayed up a few times until the sun comes up-who knew I was such a youngster still. I didn’t know I had that in me.

    I stopped using my heat about a month ago. I started leaving my windows open…Now I think it is going to stay cooler if I keep everything shut!

    Students here have 220 days of school, compared to our 180.

    Students have club activity on weekends, which means teachers do too. One day off a week (maybe) for most teachers.

    When I get home, I take my shoes off without thinking about it.

    Chopsticks are easier to use for some foods-like noodles.

    Most students are seeing green eyes for the first time, when they see mine. My skin is finally starting to clear!! YAY!

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    I’m in need of some new shorts now that summer is arriving. Even in the USA I hate shopping for shorts/janes. Finding a good fit is rare. Here, I have not had the energy to look, yet. However, the rising temperatures will force me to, soon.

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    illie

     

  • Beverly Hills, 90210

    Beverly Hills, 90210

    Time…the only thing that never stops.

    A flyer was hanging in the staff room where I was teaching third grade. That was 2.5 years ago when I applied to be an ALT in Japan. The first year, I did not get the job. I was devastated. January came around, 2018 and I thought…I’m going to try one more time. I applied and interviewed for the same position. February 4th of last year I received the call that I was chosen for this job. 13 months ago (almost to the day) the excitement began.

    [13 months later-current day 日本]

    People don’t say “Happy Valentine’s Day” here. My dad and I went out for sushi. It was his first time EVER having sushi…he loved it. I couldn’t figure out how to order what I wanted. I asked for help (which I would have never done before) so I know I’m getting braver. Much like Christmas, Valentine’s day felt like just a regular day here. I always liked Valentine’s day-not because it’s all about romantic love but because it is about spreading love. I celebrate Valentine’s day with my students in America. We all make Valentine’s for each other.

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    I remember being a kid, excited to pick out a special Valentine for each person. In the Valentine boxes you would get a few Valentines that were clearly messages for the person you found cute, the teacher and your best friend. I wonder if I was the only person who put special thought into who got what Valentine-at such a young age?

    My dad has already been gone 2 (almost 3) weeks.  I had an incredible time. I enjoy when he is here because it forces me to get out and explore. Sometimes, I prefer sleeping all day and not changing out of my pajamas. I hate to do that when I am in Japan…when my dad is here I know there will never be a day spent at home in pajamas. I like that.

     

    We spent at least one week trying to find a place we had been…a crazy busy place with lights, people, shops and barely enough space to cross the road comfortably. After going to Osaka for the 3rd time trying to find this exact street…I remembered we had to take a subway to get to this secret location. Okay, it’s not a secret. It is Namba. A place more packed than I have ever been. This ended up being a BIG day for us. Maybe too big…We were out and biking or walking for at least 12 hours and by the time we got we were BEAT, hurting and unable to move. The next day my dad departed and it took him nearly 24 hours to get back home. Me, I went to bed at 7pm.

     

    I’m trying to find the motivation myself, to get out and explore on weekends even without somebody here to explore with. I hate the feeling like I am wasting time and missing out on new experiences when I stay home for an entire weekend. This weekend I NEEDED to stay home to have a leak fixed in my apartment. Sunday, I did get out and go spend a day at the zoo. I had that happysad feeling while I was there.

     

    That has never been a feeling I get at the zoo but I have never been to the zoo alone. I spent a lot of time watching each of my favorite animals. Some seemed happy as ever and others seemed lonely. I saw emotions in animals that I feel myself.

     

    Animals are too good for people, but we need animals. I have loved animals since I was a young child. I’m thinking about my dogs right now. Dogs are the only friends/family that never let us down. They are the only living beings that will be excited to see you each and every time you come home, whether it has been 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 years. Thinking about the bond people create with dogs is incredible. The bond dogs create with people is incredible. I got my first very own dog, Sawyer, after we lost our greatest family member of all, Winnie.

     

    She was the best dog I’ll ever know. I got Sawyer and my mom got Barkley, the cutest brothers of all. When Sawyer was a puppy he was goofy, playful, the best snuggler and (still is) my biggest love. Barkely, he’s a lover, napper, jacket loving sweetheart, with the best smile. Our first dog that has ever, SMILED!

     

    When Sawyer was/is sick, I felt/feel sick. When I was sad, Sawyer was sad. when I was happy, Sawyer was happy. When Sawyer was hurt, my heart hurt. If Sawyer doesn’t like somebody…chances are I won’t either.

    It is beyond words to describe the relationship that a human can make with a canine.

    In Twilight, the Vampires-they choose one. What do they call it, imprinting? It’s like a dog chooses one human to love and protect for all of their existence.

     

    It’s like my dog is here to do this hardest thing in the world…love me unconditionally, every day, for his entire life.

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    I miss people, hugs, driving, ketchup and ranch with my fries…but most of all, I miss my dogs.

     

    The hardest part of being away from home, is being away from the dogs. I’ve said this several times. Mostly to myself. I was somewhat embarrassed of the statement. Then today I realized, why would I be embarrassed for loving my dogs unconditionally, the way that they love me?!

     

    The hardest thing about missing animals is that there is no way to communicate with them. Over any technology, the voice is unrecognizable. I have no way to let them know that I didn’t leave them…I love them and I miss them. I’m ashamed that I was uncomfortable with saying out loud that most of all, I miss my pets.

     If you have never felt the love and friendship of a dog and cannot understand my feelings, I’m sorry for you. Dogs are a miracle sent from above.

     

    In a month, I will be moving to a new school. In a week, 9th grade students will be done with junior high. Preparing myself for the high possibility that I will cry at graduation. I remember listening to Vitamin C-graduation song after each graduation (6th grade, 8th grade, 12th grade). Beginning with my first graduation in elementary school-I cried. Since I have been teaching, at the end of each school year, I cry. It’s the leaving part.

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    I’m not afraid of where I’m headed. I’m sad about what I’m leaving.

    Transitions are happy, sad, scary, exciting and inevitable. I recognized this at a young age and I still feel the exact same about change.

    I’m going to miss the students and staff here. Every six months, ALT’s switch schools. That means, a new bike ride, new staff, new students. HappySad.

     

    Last week I send out 10+ letters. I’ve got a few post offices that I am a regular at. However, I FORGOT to stop on my way home on this day. I had to go to the main post office that is open late. While trying to send off my letters the employee was telling me no. Now, I understood what she was saying. No problem. However, I send mail out at least once a week and never had trouble before. I was sending my brother a bell. She said goods and letters/writing cannot be sent together. It ended up being more of a task than it should have been. I opened the perfectly sealed mail to show her the bell. There was a sticky note on the bell-which I had to take off in order to send the bell. So-since you won’t get the sticky note…here it is.

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    Do you know what one of my friends said to me the other day when I asked for their address to send a letter…Why don’t you send a text message? No, no no no. In my opinion these forms of communication are not comparable. I’d much rather put my time and love into something that will brighten your day and make you smile when you least expect it rather than a text message which we all get, daily. I believe in crazy, stupid, love and I believe in the magic of letters. I’ve been sending letters all around the USA and I sent one to England too! Making my way around. What I enjoy most about sending mail, is knowing that you got it…

     

    My time alone has resulted in self-reflection.

    I’m learning that not everything I think about myself, is true. I am looking back at where I was and how I ended up “me”.

    This was sparked by a letter I wrote to my Lucy Lu. She is a friend I’ve had for 13 years now. I was thinking about when we first met, in high school. Holy goodness, life seemed hard at that time. Life was hard at that time. What I remember most about when we became friends, is the pain. At sixteen, I thought my life had to be the hardest life ever lived. Seems like an exaggeration and I wish it was, but I really did think my life was more difficult than most. At the time I had people who told me it would be okay, and this too shall pass. At the time, I didn’t know they were right.

     

    THEN 18-20 years old
    NOW
    16 years old
    28 years old

    Sure, my problems were all due to my own actions, thoughts, and decisions but I didn’t know that. Being the cause of your own pain doesn’t make the pain hurt less. People told me that one day I would thank the man upstairs for the route my life took. Now, I understand. Had my life gone the way I wanted it to at that time…I never would have moved to Arizona, I wouldn’t be in Japan…and I wouldn’t have the heart, understanding and appreciation for other people that I do now.  I think we become what we want to be, because of who were.

     

    I was mean. Now, I would like to think I am one of the most genuinely kind people out there.

    I hated. Now, I love deeply and freely. When you love, there is less pain, hurt and sadness.

    I bullied. Now, I have no tolerance for it and I can help on both ends of the situation.

    I lied. I’m as honest as can be.

    Dignity? Now I do the right thing even when no one is looking.

    There is a reason life doesn’t go the way we “want” it to.

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    One thing that hasn’t changed is my anxiety. I’m going to be intentional about trying to change my thoughts. Last week, my mom text me, “goodnight love you” and I responded with “Love you more”. Next message I got was, “No, not possible, I am in the hospital blood clots”. I was in the middle of a store, holding a ballcap that said “smile”. I dropped it as I read the message and said, “WHAT” loud enough for the whole store to hear me. I placed the hat back on the shelf and left the store to call my mama.

    This is a prime example, where I might book a flight back home before even knowing what is happening. My mom had been there for the day and I had no idea. Nobody told me…Can you believe that?! (Joke..)

    Ignorance is bliss.

    I hate being uninformed, but I also hate being informed. I did a better job this time of controlling my panic and it helped that my mom waited until she knew what the problem was, to tell me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have made it out the door that day. It is hard for me to function in the mist of the unknown. Mama will be okay and is back home. POSITIVE thoughts.

     

    I keep seeing the forecast in Spokane, SNOW, cold temps…and I’m here starting to drip sweat on bike rides.

     

    Snow there…fake snow machine here. img_4347

    Evening bike rides are a highlight of my day. It feels like the fall evenings in Spokane. It reminds me of being a child. It is the perfect temperature for playing hide in seek around the neighborhood in a t-shirt. The air has autumn like briskness in it. Or maybe it is more like the beginning of spring. Still a little winter coolness in the air, but the sunshine is bright and bringing nature back to life. I think that is my all-time favorite part of the year. After winter, when the squirrels start coming out to play, the birds chirping wakes you up and the flowers, OH-the flowers.

    Seeing children outside playing baseball brings me joy. It reminds me of playing catch in the street out front of my parents’ house and the point game at hutton with the boys. My dad would hit baseballs and say how many points the catch was worth. Whoever caught the ball, got the points. Kind of like flies up, with points. I was just there to catch the occasional 100point sissy hit that was hit just for me. I’ve seen this played (rarely) since I was a child…but I was sure that was a game invented by the Binger’s.

     

     

    My entire life I thought my family was the original owner of multiple sayings, mannerisms and customs. Now, when I see other people doing these things I discover that it is not a Binger Invention.

    I got to go to Sasayama which is country side here in Japan! It was beautiful and incredible. I am looking forward to my next trip out there. I am craving stars and wild animals. I haven’t seen the stars since I moved here and I’m still on the prowl for some wild animals (with racoon dog and wild boar at the top of my list).

     

     

    I ate duck and snail. A slug with a shell. Not my style but I had to try it (a second time).

     

    No middle names here. Japanese have a first name and family name.

    I stopped biting my nails.
    I got my first haircut by myself. I didn’t realize how long my hair is…I cut enough off that it now feels short…even though it’s still longer than I use to keep it. About time for me to go super short.

    Finally finished a quilt for my nephew. Made with love and made in JAPAN! [He got it today! YAY]

    Happy March! My favorite month. Strange that the school year is coming to an end, IN MARCH. A student gave me the most thoughtful, heartwarming, gift that I have to share with the world. I let this student borrow a book, “HedgeHugs”. A book about hedgehogs who have to learn how to hug without hurting each other. She knows that I LOVE hedgehogs…and she made these most precious, cute, hedgehogs that I adore. She also made a “reasons why I love you book”. I’ve never received a gift so thoughtful or loving. I am so lucky to have this job.

    Someone asked me last week…if I woke up with my dream job, what would it be…

    My answer…I’m doing it. A teacher.

    Gratitude.

    Lastly-Rest Easy Luke Perry. Believe it or not-some of my most important life lessons came from this man in 90210. 90210 is another thing in life that has never let me down. It has supported me in happy times and in some of the worst. To my first heart throb.

    illie

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  • Waiting for Tragedy

    January has come and gone with a quickness that most months do. Some days go slow, but the weeks go fast and the months disappear without notice.

    I’ve spent (the shortest) 6 months of my life in Japan. This being said, 6 more months was not going to be long enough for me to accomplish all that I hope to. I am excited to say, I have 18 months left here in Japan! Someone asked me my new years resolution and I nearly laughed…I don’t exactly believe in NY resolutions. I think everyday is a new beginning. But this year, I want to explore and travel Japan.

    I didn’t ride my bike for almost two weeks. When I got back on my bicycle for my ride to work…an 11 minute bike ride took me 20 minutes. By the end of the week I was able to get the ride down to 14 minutes… Lesson: Taking breaks from anything makes you weaker.

     

    My sewing obsession has followed me to Japan. I have a newfound love for beads now too. My bead collection is bigger than it was when I was a child, making 100  bead long string necklaces…IMG_3145

     

    Hello Happy

    Some of my favorite things that have happened recently: I got some amazing Christmas cards from friends in the USA. I’ve been asking students questions about things I don’t understand in Japan. The answers I get are PERFECT.

    Q: I don’t understand why nobody smiles at me on the train…  A: Using the train is not funny.  [Easy enough, I LOVE that answer.] Also, smiling on the train is an invitation to talk and most people find talking on the train to be torture.

    Q: Why do the teachers move rooms, why don’t students? A: Teachers want a perfect body.

    Q: I don’t know why students laugh at me… A: We are loving you.  [This was a big misunderstanding. When I felt students were laughing at me, it hurt my feelings…but its more of a conversation opener and students showing affection.]

    At my favorite Ramen shop, I am officially a regular. No longer need a menu, my order is known. I’ve always dreamed of being a regular somewhere, preferably not a bar. I’m ecstatic with my new badge of honor there. The people there talk to me quickly in Japanese. I can almost understand what they are saying but they must think I do. We are figured out how to communicate using different languages and I think it is incredible.

    IMG_3272 I wanted return to Judo this week. I am looking forward to learning/practicing Judo but the burns on my elbows are just now healed and I’m exhausted, lately. I hope to get back at it, soon.

    Today, students played a Japanese card game. It was played by grade level. It took place in the gym and awards were presented after. It was awesome! In the states we do not have anything like this.

    Silly things that I LOVE~! My dad always walks behind me and bumps the back of my knee. If he gets me good enough, I nearly fall to the ground. That is also a thing here in Japan!! I laughed when I did it to someone and they had a name for it and told me it was a common joke like move.

    I taught friends that if you focus on the other persons elbow you will have the greatest high-five ever. Practiced that as well as the back of knee taps.

    5e17225e-4f20-40b7-9be3-9c4282fd3f03I ordered a bookshelf off of Amazon. When I received the bookshelf I could not help but laugh. I had to put it together but all of the instructions were in Japanese. Got the tools out and hammered that baby together! 🙂

    I am amazed by the weather right now. It is late January and the beauty of the sun is blinding. When the clouds are not covering the sun it brings enough warmth making 30s and 40 degree weather feel like a hot stove just opened-warming you to the bones.

    I’m starting to understand the process of how students move up into the next grade. It is mind-blowing. I’m taken so far back by the amount of work students have to do at such young ages. Maybe it is so shocking because all I knew before was my experience.

    In my experience…you go to the school nearest your home. Elementary and then to your middle school and lastly high school. Public education was always free for me. I did have to pay to take the SATS and apply for college…

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    Students in Japan may start as young as 6th grade, applying for different schools. Students apply for public schools. Public schools are paid for by families. For example, right now I have helping a student prepare for her interview for the high school she dreams of going to. Each school has limited openings and you must have certain scores on tests and be ranked against the students at your school. Ranking of where you are at is extremely important for students here.

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    Students take a test which depends on the high school they want to attend. Students may be a multiple subject test with an oral interview in English and Japanese. This is to see if the school will accept the student into the public school. EVERY child has to do some variation of this process to ensure they go to high school. Student’s tell me they are always studying, but now I understand why. Schools here are also leveled by ability…

     

    Pressure exists. As a foreigner I can see it and I can feel it and now I understand it. Students are going through a process similar to college applications, at the young age of 15. These students have to ace interviews that are similar to interviews I had to attempt in order to get a teaching job. I hope throughout my time here I can lessen the pressure for some students and help them acquire the skills they need to feel confident about their future.

     

     

    When I look at these students, I see kids. Kids that should be playing hide and go seek, kick the can, riding bikes until dark…but the reality is that these students spend most of their time studying and especially now when the tests/interview exams are around the corner. Where I see children…others see young adults.

    What I’ve been appreciating about Japan in addition to what I’ve already mentioned…

    Students. Building relationships with students people in the community.

    Teachers. I work with a great group of teachers.

    The kotatsu I have-a Japanese heating table.

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    Sunshine-it is beautiful when the sun is shinning and that has been a lot! I saw someone (in JANUARY) with their top down in a convertible.

    Flowers: Still blooming and growing IN WINTER.

    Pen Pal letters!! My students here in Japan have gotten their letters back from America. I’m as excited as the kiddos.

    Surprise (to me!)

    High school entrance

    How many words/phrases don’t translate

    The green traffic light (go) is called BLUE here. Blue/green use to be interchangeable

    Students are teaching me Kanji. COOL!

    There are only dirt fields at Japan middle schools. No grass.

    Really, no grass anywhere. I feel kind of weird when I see dogs using the street as their toilet. I don’t think my dog would know what to do if it has to use cement as his canvas.

    Craft stores here nice. I can’t find rainbow thread though which is strange since rainbows are LOVED here. Fabric is expensive and good quality.

    I never hear people sneeze? [Wait I just did hear it…but maybe I don’t notice because no one says bless you or acknowledges it. Since I have written this-I have heard LOTS of sneezed and I also have sneezed more?]

    I love the Yamaha motorcycles that I see here. Classic. On the way home I saw one for about $ 1,300 and I’m tempted. If the driving pattern were the same as USA’s I wouldn’t think twice.

    School lunch as been delicious.

    I HAD THE BEST GYOZA. Gyoza=pot stickers. This time instead of pot sticker shape-it looked like a piece of friend chicken (drum stick). It was the BEST.

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    I’m either sweating or freezing at school. Sometimes the heat is on, sometimes all the windows are open. After riding my bike to work though, I’m always sweating…until it dries and I’m then frozen.

    When I go to help a student they complete an entire sentence in Japanese and then I say, “Eigo” [eggo] (English) and we laugh. Students speak Japanese naturally and by accident and when I listen then say English-we always laugh. Even if I understand, I want them to try and communicate using English.

    Flowers are a big deal here. There are tons of flower shops. We order flowers online in America. I don’t even know where a local flower shop is at home.

    I’ve learned that communication is easy. You just have to be willing to try.

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    Japan is a pretty interesting place. I love it. I love the people, the culture, the students… I am glad to be here.

    Processing…

    Only continue if you can do so:

    with

    Grace and without judgement.

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    Current day-Phil and I

     

    I think one of the greatest tragedies of the world is when children are forced to grow up. However, positive lessons are rarely taught in positive ways. We grow up when we are ready but now that I’m thinking about it, there is a situation, a time and a place where something happens that forces us to grow up. I feel for the children in the world who go through this at a time when their biggest worry should be how late they can ride their bike or if they get the best smelling scratch and sniff sticker. I remember when I met the harshness of the world. The next 10 years of my life were spent trying to figure out how I could save the people I love. I’m still trying to stomach the fact that I can’t. The next 10 years after that were spent still in the chaos of the storm, reacting, overly cautious, afraid of what each day would bring.

     

    When I was 24 years old I was a first year teacher in Arizona. The school year had finished and I was excited as ever to get back to Washington to see my friends and family. My dad and I drove back and had a ball. The summer was starting off great, I was happy, excited, hopeful and ready to have the summer of a lifetime.

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    I had been in Spokane for less than 24 hours. I was driving down 29th with my best friend, going by the light on Perry. It was my first night back in town and home for the summer. I felt like I was on top of the world. Laughing with my best friend, heading out to get into mischief… My dad was calling. For the first time in my life I didn’t expect bad news from my dad calling multiple times in a row. I was finally past, waiting for tragedy.  After answering, my world didn’t just stop, my heart and soul did too. I was no longer able to drive. Kate took over driving while I continued breathing heavily, dizzy, knees shaking, more scared than I have ever been (to this day).

    Nobody will ever understand what I felt, until they go through it (and I hope that you never do). The opposite is also true…I will never understand what you go through until I experience it. 

     

    Waiting for tragedy is an ugly place to be. It is a waste of daylight, loss of sleep, it is an all-consuming place that got the best of me for far too long. I wish I could say I was out of the woods when it comes to expecting/waiting for “the other shoe to drop” but the anxiety and fear of tragedy lingers around.

    Maybe I let the fear of tragedy hang around so that I am better prepared for when it strikes. But the truth is, there is no way to be prepared.

     

    When we use to go visit my grandparents in Nebraska, I dreaded leaving. I would look out the airplane window during take off and hear tears of my loved ones falling. It wasn’t until I was in middle school or so that I realized why my mom and dad always cried when we left Nebraska. I imagine that they were thinking, “Next time I come here, my mom/dad may not be alive anymore” or “that may be the last time I see my mom/dad”. Several times, they ended up being right. I cannot get past the thought of losing people I love. It breaks me into thousands of tiny pieces. Love is such a deep connection especially between family…that there is no way to ever be ready for what is to come.

    You see, my parents protect(ed) me from a lot. I didn’t always know when the world was spinning out of control. My dad informing me of the chaos meant death.

    Side note: I know that I’m not a parent…but I believe whole heartedly that it is a parents job to protect their children from dangerous chaos. Let me begin with a disclaimer: My parents protected me. My parents never knowingly or purposely put me in a situation of dangerous chaos. Sure, we found ourselves in some crappy situations but my parents never caused it or forced me to go through it. Thank you for that.  Children who group up in chaos become comfortable with it and begin to look for it. As a teacher, I see this and I understand it. I resist the temptation to feel sorry for children and instead try to encourage and help children find resilience, courage, dignity, empathy and a way to be better. In times like this I am reminded of how incredible children are. Living in chaos requires a person to  begin living in a constant state of fight or flight-stress response. Fight or flight is activated when there is a perceived threat and people must function in this state to remain. Stress response should be short lived. Once the situation has passed your body returns to the normal state. This is not true for all of us. Some of us are living in a constant state of stress response and experience negative side effects(sweaty palms, heart racing, reduced sleep, headaches). Children should be protected from this instead of forced to live a life in which fight or flight is required in order to survive. Chaos can be beautiful or dangerous. The kind of chaos I’m talking about right now is the exposure to dangerous, unpredictable people and situations. This is the stuff I feel passionately about. Nobody should have to navigate through the “hard stuff” alone when these events have been experienced and lived through by many.
    I can’t comprehend the pain of some situations because I have not lived them but I sure will listen and love.

    My dad was calling me to tell me I needed to come say goodbye, to my brother. I arrived at the hospital a short time after the phone call. I ran inside and back into the emergency room where I saw my brother laying lifeless, clothes cut off, machines keeping him alive.

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    Seeing this was: frightening, upsetting, maddening, saddening…more emotions that I can find the words for. My brother had overdosed and was to end his days in that bed. I did not leave the hospital for the next 24 hours maybe even 48, until I was assured that Phil was in a coma and would not die without notice. I stayed at the hospital most nights. I’d seen a number of movies where people would magically come out of a coma because they could feel or hear the love in the room. Now I know, that is only in the movies.  I would hold Phil’s hand, play our favorite songs, talk to him, yell at him, pray for him and just watch him. I thought I would be his reason for waking up. Sometimes, his hand would twitch in mine. I thought he was squeezing my hand. But this lasted days and wasn’t a squeeze of love or an “it’s okay sis, I’m coming”. It had been weeks of a coma, seizing and wonder. Wonder what would happen next, wondering if he would survive, wondering how we would survive…

     

    From the ER we moved into ICU. Here, Some light started to come out of the situation. By light, I mean life. Phil had opened his eyes but was unable to talk, eat, walk, or communicate. He was no longer the person we all knew. Not long after, Phil went back into a coma.

    It is hard to recount the steps that we took or recall the days that have passed…but as I am typing this out I have that same feeling in my stomach, frog in my throat and unsettling thought of what life is for some people.

     

    In the summer to come many tears were shed by the family, nights were spent awake and days were spent at the hospital. There was not much happy in these days but there was a wedding of one of my brothers and a chance for the entire family to be together.  The weeks and months to come were filled with steps forwards and leaps backwards and a mistake made by one that all of us were forced to learn from.

    July came quick and I needed to head back to Arizona for my job. This was not an option for me at that time. With my brother was in and out of the ICU, leaving was not an ideal situation for me. I wouldn’t let it be a situation at all and with careful consideration I resigned from my teaching position in Arizona and stayed home where I felt I needed to be.

    Phil is a warrior. He always has been. He was not supposed to survive this. I think of my family as an army. We have fought some dark battles [together] and we have won all but not without sustaining injury.

    Phil got into Saint Luke’s rehabilitation center which became our home for the next month where Phil learned to walk, talk,write, eat, and do everyday skills that you learn as a child. We were not out of the clear…there were many ambulance rides back to the ER and several questions that still haven’t been answered. But after his time at Saint Luke’s, we walked out of there together.

     

    Sadly, when my dad calls several times-my heart pounds. When I call my parents several times, I’m sure the same happens for them.

    When I don’t hear from my brothers I begin to panic.

    When my brothers tell me that they love me…I question why they are saying that.

    We have added people to the family since, made mends and ripped too many stitches. But here we are. All six of us are still around, happy and healthy (I like to think).

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    20 years after meeting chaos…I am now what some would consider to be a professional with chaos. A master of chaos. I can welcome chaos and take care of the situation at hand. I’ve been in many ambulance rides, handled many adult like problems and become a comfort to those who find themselves going through similar situations that I have. This stuff-it is not good. It’s not something that most people share. But this, this has made me who I am.  I’ve never been embarrassed of the hard stuff. To me this is a testimony of my family, our greatness, strength, resilience and love. 

    Positive lessons are rarely taught in positive ways

    Take care of yourself. Impact people positively. Be sunshine in somebody’s dark day.

    Also-I made a peanut butter and bacon sammy last night. It has been a long time since I’ve had one of those!

    Thank you for being you.

    illie

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  • Gas Tank Full of Freedom

    Gas Tank Full of Freedom

    12/10/18 +

    At the top of my TO DO list for Japan, I have: Fall in Love. Above all else, while I am here my goal is to fall in love,

    with myself. 

    Oh my goodness. It has almost been a month since I went home to the USA. Since I have been back-it has been a whirlwind.
    I’ve been talking with my friends and brother about traveling around Japan. I feel like I am missing out by not exploring. But the thing is-every time I step out of my apartment, it is an adventure. I haven’t traveled Japan yet but I am planning to. Once leaving my home is no longer an adventure, I will start checking items off of my bucket list.

    This being said…I’ve already been in Japan for nearly 5 months. That means I am almost half way through my year in Japan.

    As a teacher-I am growing like a weed. I am gaining so much experience teaching English as a second language. I have no doubt that this opportunity is helping me grow as much as a teacher, as it is a person.

    Thinking about my growth and overall, how much I have changed since I was a child…this quote was very humbling. There are wonderful humans out there who are evil in my story-the thought of being the evil in somebody else’s gives me those dirty moths in my stomach. I think this is why it is so important to remember that people will never forget the way you made them feel.

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    I’ve made some people feel really awful in my past. If you are reading this and you are one of them-I apologize. There are several people I have reached out to and personally apologized..but you know what? People that made me feel bottom of the barrel awful, they never apologized. That is okay, but I remember the way you made me feel, the times you caused me pain. Thanks to you, I’m a way fresher person than I use to be. By fresher…I mean more: Resilient, kind and happy. 

    Right now, Japan is where I am meant to be. I know this because I see personal growth as well as professional. People should be living a life that makes them better. Being here, is making me better. I also hope to be making people better here. At school I try to make sure students know that I see them. Not like I see them up to no good, or goofing around…

    but that I see them, I care and that they are enough.

    Adventures since I’ve been back from the United States.

    HOT SPRINGS! My dear friend took me to Arima hot springs. This is one of the most ancient onsen’s in Japan. This hot spring is a rusty orange color because of all of its natural components. There are very few hotsprings in the world that have this many elements. This is similar to a public bath. You wash your body off and get into a small pool like tub. Yes, naked. Yes, with other people. Boys and girls are separated. At this onsen there were no tattoos allowed. Having a number of them, Sachiko and Moko helped me cover all of them with bandaid like tattoo covers. Lots of laughs and giggles while we did this.

    There were three different baths at this Onsen. After each bath you put your clothes on and walk to the next location. We took part in a buffet beforehand, all you can eat Japanese food! I tried everything. Because I will always try things at least once.

    On the way home We stopped to admire fall leaves. This was a breath taking forest of trees with more color than imaginable.

    Sachiko also took me for a drive through the country side. This was my first time seeing “country side” here in Japan. It reminded me more of home than anything else here, has. The roads were bigger, everything was more spread out and it wasn’t as busy. It felt kind of like driving on the Palouse, but not.

    I ate Shabu shabu. And…a snail. Because I have to try everything at least once…SUPER COOL meal to eat and the company was nice too!

    Snails are like slugs. I HATE slugs. So taking this snail out of its shell to eat was a first and last time event for me. After dinner I gave Pachinko a try and searched for wild bores. You know how much I love hunting for animals. Hunting to me is just searching with my eyeballs and jumping with excitement when I see a creature.  This night may have ended with Super Mario. Most of my nights do. HAH.

    I have actually been lost now. Like, wandering for an hour just looking for something that I was familiar with. In an hour, I reached my step goal, had no wifi and 12% battery on my phone. My map was no help because I was in an area I had never been. I never found anything familiar, a train station, or free wifi. I also wasn’t at my best. I walked until I saw a cab pulled over. I’m sure I sounded half dead as I said, “Ride?”. I got an Ok. Got a ride to my bicycle. The ride was 35 minutes and worth every single YEN.

    All Japan Pro Wrestling!

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    I went to watch professional wrestling in JAPAN! Cool huh? The coolest part is I got to see an old friend from Spokane, WRESTLE in Japan!! I personally find that to be insanely incredible. The odds in that happening have got to be low to none.

    I went with a coworker and his friend. They are huge fans of pro-wrestling. All around, amazing night with great people. So fun to see someone from home, here in Japan. I get excited seeing someone I know at the grocery store in Spokane so you can probably imagine my joy in seeing people in Japan. Parrow and Odinson took the W in a tag team match. Whoop whoop.

    I’m looking forward to seeing another Professional wrestling show while I am here.

    I’ve got some time off coming up for Winter break. I work on Christmas. First time, working on Christmas. I have many special birthdays to celebrate the day after Christmas. These people are more dear to my heart and soul than I can say. I hope you can feel my love from Japan. Happy Birthday (Dec 26th) To my MAMA, KRISTY, and LOIS! I’ve been thinking about you since December began and I’ll be celebrating you all month long. Heck, I celebrate the three of you all year long.

    Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear, Mama, Kristy, and Lois, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.

    With a break coming up, I have considered going home…but I really want to explore the country I live in. If I go home every chance I get-I won’t ever see this whole new world. (This week in class students are singing-A whole new world.) It dropped 30 degrees over the past week. Last week I was riding my bike in a Tshirt and enjoying the colors of fall. Today, I wore my long johns, beanie and winter jacket. I think this is one of the first times I have worn a beanie for warmth. I never realized how cold my ears get when I have a hat on. Now that I think about it…I haven’t ridden a bike in the fall in probably 15 years…I just forgot the feeling of COLD hitting my cheeks and sneaking through my strands of hair up to my ears.It was 39 degrees when I woke up this morning. Last week it was 70 degrees. That is a pretty drastic change in such a short amount of time.

    Last week
    This week

    My morning commute consists of these minor yet major inclines. Some days I ride up the entire way, sometimes I make it half way…and this week for the first time I started walking my bike at the bottom. My legs are getting stronger. I couldn’t make it to the top my first time. Hah. Now I spend the first 10 minutes of my bike ride, wondering how much effort I want to put forth in order to save myself one minute riding up VS walking up.Giggling. I love that my daily decisions start here…Well actually even earlier my hardest decision is what I will wear. Feel like a small child, going to a drawer, closing my eyes and wearing whatever I pull out.

    I rearranged my apartment, which I have done a few times now. It makes things feel…fresh.

    At school, students had a tournament. Girls played volleyball and boys played handball. I saw lots of smiles during this and I couldn’t stop thinking about how cool it was that students could have a handball tournament, at school. Last week, we had a marathon day. Students choose the distance they would run and ran anywhere from 1km to 10 km. More than half of the school choose 10km!! I choose 3km and my running partner helped me keep a good pace the entire time. Probably my fastest mile since 4th grade.

    I’ve sent out many letters and postcards recently. I’m the biggest fan of mail. I hope if you receive mail, it gives you some happy in your heart. That is my goal, to spread happy. We started penpals too!! Seeing the students write to my kiddos at home, made me glow. *Hours after writing this, I checked my mail and what do you know-I HAD A LETTER FROM A DEAR FRIEND. Thank you sister. This is my favorite card.

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    My refrigerator is empty. Probably a good time to start the whole30. I have been yearning for a redbull. I haven’t given in. I’d get so jacked up if I had a redbull, I probably can’t handle them anymore. I could drink a 20Oz redbull and take a nap. I was looking at how much caffeine was in the tea I am drinking…20-30MGs. I was drinking 200+mgs a day… When I take Tylenol-I take 2 extra strength tablet, each 500mgs. Here, the pain killer I got was similar to a 25mg ibuprofen and was to be taken every six hours.

    I felt like I really lived here the first time I wore a mask. When I came back from the USA, I was feeling pretty nasty. I didn’t want to spread these USA germs…because I worry that they might be stronger (like how medicines are stronger in the USA). That’s my reasoning. Everything is stronger at home so the germs must be too.

    However, the breath mints here are way stronger. They about knock your socks off!

    The apples are bigger.

    You rent movies at a rental shop.

    I’ve made some great relationships with students. I have students helping me learn Japanese. At lunch time I eat with a class. I enjoy this time, talking with students and eating new foods. The other day at lunch it was an entire (small) fish, with its head and skin still on…I tried a bite but then I had to give the rest away. I don’t like to see a creatures face unless I’m out hunting (looking) for them.

    Japan Amazon is my favorite. I could order something today and have it within 24 hours. That’s crazy.

    I’m still tired from the weekend. I think tonight might be a night of 12+ hours of sleep. That means I can go to bed at 7. That sounds magical. I’m such a baby. Dane-I wish you were here. I know you would fit in well with me on a Friday night! Have yet to meet someone with our mindset.

    Update-I went to bed at 11pm and woke up at 3am. Sleeping just wasn’t in the cards for me last night. Urg. Try again tonight. My sleep still isn’t quite right for some reason. Anxiety, dokidoki? Unsure.  I was wishing that I was a preschooler again and my mom cold pick my clothes out and dress me because that was a demanding task this morning.

    Oh yes. Last thing. I had a sentimental Clark Griswald moment last night as I recalled the happiness of life as a child. Last night I sat and watched a home video from 27 years ago. In this video, I was 1, my brothers were 5, 7 and 9 and my parents were 38. It is Christmas Eve and Christmas. I love hearing my parents voices, they still sound the same. I melted hearing all of our little voices. When you are little, life should be this wonderful. It makes me sad that it isn’t this way for all children. Since this video, everything has changed but nothing at the same time. That’s impossible, but it is true.

    As always, glad to be apart of your day.

    illie

    JapanLife

  • Pandora’s Box

    09-18-2018 (I started writing…..9/21 I’m going to stop-it’s getting too long).

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    I am looking back at my memos from the past weeks. Every experience is still new and exciting. I’m still noticing similarities and differences in the people/culture/norms. I bet I will do that for my entire adventure. The hardest thing for me to grasp is the amount of time people spend away from home.

    We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are.

    When I see a Morning Glory I think of my mom. They resemble love to me. When a child here see’s a Morning Glory they might think of a summer break assignment. We view things because of experiences we have. We do not all see things the same. I bet very rarely do we actually see things the same.

    Pandora’s Box

    In myths the story goes that man lived without worry/hurt until a box was opened, which contained ills for mankind. Pandora opened this box because her of her curiosity. She was unable to stop herself from opening this box even though she was told not to. Once opened-evil was unleashed. She tired to slam the box closed but once opened the unimaginable evil (death, disease, poverty, depression, anxiety…) had already escaped.

    My brother taught me about Pandora’s box. He helped me create one. When he explained this idea to me…he told me that some things you have to learn to put into Pandora’s box. A box that is so STRONG nothing can get in-or out of it. This box (more like a safe) is to hold things that you never want to think about again and nobody else can be trusted with. He told me once you put the hurts inside the box, you wrap the biggest chain imaginable and put the strongest lock in the world on-and throw this box into the ocean where it can never be found again. Wow. What an idea that was for my 21 year old self. I didn’t like the idea. When I was younger I probably could have used Pandora’s box, but of course this life lesson came AFTER I needed it (I guess that’s how all life lessons are learned).

    [Side note: if I could be a teacher of life lessons-I would live to work. I thrive on life lessons especially when I can help a human learn one by sharing my own before they experience it. The hit isn’t as hard when you know somebody else has been there.

    Now that I’m “older” (I say older because I wouldn’t quite consider myself an adult YET) I don’t use Pandora’s box as a hurt trapper. Hurt in inevitable, unpreventable. I use it more as a processing tool…I store things in that security safe until I’m ready to take a good look at myself and the troubles. When I keep things in this box for too long-they come out unexpectedly and without warning and it hits me harder than a stack of bricks. I think maybe that’s when I sink into a funk and my anxiety grows as my mental health declines. A funk is an ugly place to be-and it can only be survived. Everybody has these stages. It can come with the change of a season, the loss of a friend, the opening of the box, or in the stages of processing. It can come out of NOWHERE.

    Of course as I have said before-I know I will always be okay. I have the gift of knowing deep down in my heart that I will always be okay. I am a Binger.

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    Binger’s are warriors and we don’t just survive, we fight. When I think of surviving-it makes me think that you are suffering in the process. Surviving is a beautiful thing when it is short lived.

    Life is not meant to be “survived” life is meant to be lived.

    Depression and anxiety, you SURVIVE. You suffer through it. It hurts. It can make you physically and emotionally sick-but you survive. If you are reading this-you have probably survived some serious hurt/pain in your lifetime. You have likely endured things that some people can’t even imagine. But you are here and you matter. You make a difference.

    I think about work. I think about working to live and living to work. I believe there is a balance. How easy would it be to lose yourself in the process of living to work? Maybe you have lost yourself. You might not even know it. People lose themselves every day and some are able to recover from this and others never realize the tragedy. Similar to an addiction, you can “admit” that you have a problem and begin the process of recovery…or you can put that feeling/reality in Pandora’s box, lock it up and throw it as far as you can. That box will open, you can believe that. You can choose when to open it or you can let it surprise you. You might not even know you have your own lock box-you do.

    I have not lost myself to work-but I have lost myself to a number of other things. Losing yourself in a book, a movie, a dream…I think that’s mandatory but losing yourself permanently is a living fatality.

    I like to keep Pandora’s Box empty. Proceed with caution-there is a time and a place that we use this coping strategy-I don’t think it’s the strongest strategy to use but sometimes necessary. Opening the box lets out your guilts, hurts, hauntings and mistakes/regrets. The only way to let go of these and move on-is to open the box and take them out one by one, before the lid BURSTS and you have no choice. My box is close to empty, if not empty. I prefer to have a joy box (I physically have a Joy Jar-I doodle down what makes me happy and drop it in the jar so I can read it in the years to come). I would rather have a box full of memories (the pure happiness ones and the events where a life lesson was learned). A box full of love, joy, the sound of giggles and the stories that make me laugh until I cry-every time I hear them.

    Japan

    Life post chichi is beginning to get back to normal. I’ve met some new friends, found a bar/café that I like and I’ve been staying after school to join sport clubs.

    School

    The students are talented beyond belief, neat and humorous. There are no scribbles on papers-or ripped papers, students fix mistakes instead of leaving them. These students are artists, athletes, musicians, readers, writers, geographers. That is a light list of what I see in children every day. The students smile. Genuine smiles. Students are excited to teach me words as I teach them words and this is the greatest part of the day.

    After school clubs are phenomenal. At home when I coach basketball or take part in any activity-I must be there the entire time and help students stay on task, make good choices, and encourage them to try their best. Teachers/coaches always had to do that when I was an athlete too. Here-the teachers are beyond busy. If they are unable to make it to the club-students practice as if their coach is there. The clubs run like a well-oiled machine. I’ve never seen anything like it. Students get to their club and begin practice. They keep the time and do drills as if the coach is there for every minute. I stop in and see the basketball players and shoot around for a few minutes. I smile as I stand there and watch these CHILDREN manage themselves as individuals and as a team. I never would have dreamed that to be possible. It is on the verge of magic.

    I’ve been joining the Softball Club. It has been 10+ years since I have played but it seems even more exciting and fun to play, now. Once again-we have a language barrier. I see what the girls do and I join in or I ask if I can play too. There are some leaders on the team who have great English skills. Thanks to them, I can participate more but I try to just join in and practice with them. When I can give advice/pointers I do-but these girls are as powerful as girls I played against in high school. I will be changing schools in a month. I am sad that I will be moving because I am starting to make relationships with children/staff and I would enjoy fostering these relationships (Of course, I’m excited to meet more students…but leaving has always been a difficult part of life for me).

    Humans

    Kindness makes you the most beautiful person in the world, no matter what you look like…Noriko and I had a conversation about this recently and how you can’t change your outside, but you can change your inside.

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    I had a new and exciting first experience this past weekend. My friend (Noriko)  is a Diver. It is her passion and she shared it with me. We went to Wakayama Prefecture and with Sun Marine Diving shop-I got to experience my first DIVE! It was frightfully, wonderful. The hardest part of it all which seems minuscule looking back…was breathing ONLY through my mouth. My first dive-I was so worried about breathing under water that I must have thought about that the entire time. My guide and my friend came by my side, held my hand, and opened a new world for me-under the sea. I was able to see coral, fishies, big ones and little ones and crabs J It was incredible. I am looking forward to my next chance to do this. My friend, Noriko, says that diving is about more than the underwater life. It is about meeting people and making new friends. That above all, was the best part of the weekend, the people. Let me remind of you of a small difficulty I run into daily-speaking a different language. With this challenge we were still able to communicate, talk, laugh, and exchange languages! Language is more than words.

    Diving is something I hope to do again. Another new world for me to explore. The world keeps getting bigger, which means I continue to get smaller!

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    In the USA it is all about being an “individual” and being different. In Japan it is about functioning as a whole. A system. I’m not sure which of these I prefer because I do love being my own special self-but making sure a system is working as an overall whole is a different way to look at things. Japan seems more team oriented-allowing members to learn the same skills in case they need to fill in the position for somebody who is gone. If somebody is gone-it may go unnoticed. In the United States-if one person is gone it could spiral out of control. It could be a teacher that is gone-In Japan, no big deal. At home-probably won’t be able to get a substitute so your absence puts responsibility on others. On a sports team if the point guard is gone-the game is nearly unplayable. In Japan it seems like just about any player could step up and play the position. I like the idea of functioning as a whole…but I hate the thought of each individual not being able to show their sparkle. It stirs up some feelings of being replaceable or dispensable (I’m an emotional overthinker) and it goes against everything I know to be true in that it shows how unimportant one person can be. Today I was asked what the best thing about the United States is. I think the best part is that I get to be myself-I can wear what I want and not worry about my tattoos/piercings. I am soaking up the differences between Washington and Nishinomiya.

    You are the company you keep. I thought this was absurd when I was younger. Now I fully believe this.

    A friend  hugged me this week. I can count the number of hugs I have gotten in the past 2 months on one hand-in fact I think I have had 2 solid hugs since July 28th. Holy goodness. Yuko and Sachiko continue to be a consistence source of happiness for me.  I know that if/when a “funk” hits-I’ll have the support of wonderful women. I am finding myself missing my Haha (mama) lately. She is going to be having a surgery next month and I hate to not be there for it. Prayers for my Mama, the more the better. I’ve met a friend with the same birthday as me. I love birthday’s more than anything so that was a special treat. People here refer to it as “destiny” or “fate”. Today I searched for a student to tell her happy birthday. When I found her, I could not contain my enthusiasm as I shouted “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” It felt like I was telling my best friend happy birthday-I was that excited about it. This is a student I have been able to build a relationship with. I knew I had to find her-because there is nothing more special than being loved-especially on your birthday.

    I had the pleasure of experiencing Karaoke. If you know me…you know I don’t sing…or dance. J If I am singing karaoke it means I need to get home ASAP. There are places here devoted to karaoke. Buildings with floors full of rooms-that you rent that have an IPAD where you select the song you want to sing. People here are so BRAVE and they really have no idea. The way the sing, dance, talk in front of people-I see people being brave all the time and I don’t think they have any idea how courageous they are.

    Missing my people greatly, with much love.

    illie

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