Just be

Tag: レイチェル

  • PNW raised, Japan saved

    PNW raised, Japan saved

    HAPPY JUNE!!

    May 1, 2020 (I’m currently finishing up this blog and it is now June 9th…this blog is events from the past five months.)

    Hey you! Stop, collaborate and listen…I’m getting older so if you don’t finish that line-just consider it a generation gap. ICE IS BACK WITH MY BRAND NEW INVENTION.

    Happy, healthy, free, beautiful and safe. This has been the words I’ve repeated everyday for at least two months. Sometimes hundreds of times a day. When I began…I knew these words all hold a place deep in my bones and now I feel them.

    Find what you need and bring them to your life. 

    A year ago my dad was here.

    Right now Japan isn’t allowing flights inbound.

    I’ve been away from home for my longest stent yet with no future plans of returning. I’m starting to clean up and pack for my next adventure.

    My next adventure. Wow.

    My trip to Thailand was cancelled-because of the virus. School has been cancelled for a month and will be postponed for another month. At home, school has been cancelled for the rest of the year.

    The world is in a strange place. I hope you are staying healthy.

    For my 30th birthday I spent the day with a few friends. We ate lunch at my favorite burger shop and had cake. Relaxing way to enter my 30s.

    Not too much has happened in the past month. I’ve spent days at a time at home alone. I’ve had limited social interactions which I guess I was already use to, having been in Japan for a year and a half.

    It better prepared me for this pandemic. I have limited social interactions and many of the interactions I have daily require a mass amount of energy. On top of the energy it requires to do simple things, much of the message is lost in translation.

    That is something I miss. I miss the easiness of relationships. I miss the communication that is understood through verbal and non-verbal communication.

    My fears have evolved so much in the past two years. I use to be afraid of anything and everything. My friends, I’d have them WATCH me walk to my car at night. I’d have my mom wait up for me if I was going to come home late. I never slept with my windows open because that is terrifying. Pull up to a stoplight, make sure the doors are locked. Headphones in when walking, no way. I use to hear sounds at night and it would scare me so badly I would stay up ALL NIGHT because sleeping when you are that scared is out of the question.

    I’m in a completely different place in life, literally and figuratively. My anxiety and depression are at bay and manageable. I do have days where I do breakdown but I consider that a normal part of life-not linked to my depression and anxiety. My fears have evolved because my anxiety is manageable and I no longer worry about the things that use to hurt me. I’m coming to terms with the fact that it was never other people/things/events that hurt me. It was me, hurting ME. Figuring that out felt like a pounds of pressure off my chest. I can breathe easier.

    The only person I can control is myself. I cannot control others. What someone else does is no reflection on me or who I am. Geographically moving doesn’t fix depression/anxiety but it has helped me manage mine. Sometimes all you need is boundaries and the way you acquire them varies. My boundaries and freedom came from moving out of the country. My freedom and safety came from digging deep within. I still have a lot to unpack and to tell you the truth I’m scared to do it. I have memories and years I cannot remember. I know they are in me somewhere and there’s a reason I can’t remember. When I’m ready, I’ll start digging.

    6/1/2020

    I stopped writing a month ago because thinking about unpacking the past put me into a frenzy. It made me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I’m not in the headspace to do this, yet. So for now-I’ll document the things I have been in the headspace to do!

    February:

    23rd: Osaka aquarium

     

    24th: pole dancing show

    March

    7: Got out of the house and went to a singles event to meet new people.

    8: Went to a friends house to meet her bunny and prairie dogs! Prairie dogs, as pets!

    Started sewing at school because students were no longer coming. Listened to hours of 48 hours podcasts, made bags, pencil cases and blankets.

    Went to an old students house to meet her family and have lunch.

    MORE sewing

    Hair became long enough for pig tails

    Trip to Thailand cancelled

    Last days at my most recent school and the last day at a school I’ve gone to once a month for the past year and a half. Cried on the way out of both.

    April

    Mom’s trip to Japan, cancelled

    End of March/beginning of April…wrote and sent out about 50-100 happies to friends all over America. They have yet to receive them…

    Chipped my front tooth. Again.

    Made an address book.

    Sakura season

     

    New school

    May:

    Work from home days because of COVID19.

    More sewing

    Set some savings goal so I can buy a little Suzuki motorcycle during my next adventure.

    Found out that my kid is actually a girl, after naming her, BOY (Otokonoko).

    Mother’s Day-love you mom.

    Beach days

    2 full days sitting with my sadness and letting it out

    More beach days

    Began packing

    Hikes with friends

    Last week I began running.

    Chipped my front tooth again-dental work

    Some weird mystery infection.

    Immigrations office

          That brings us here, to June. I’m still waiting for a refund for my trip to Thailand. Hoping to squeeze it in at some point.

    Hoping mom will be able to come visit sooner rather than later.

    School started back up today. Half the students come in the AM and the other half in the PM. That way students are distanced and we can sanitize between groups. Students have 4 classes that are each a half hour. I’ll begin classes tomorrow. I CAN’T WAIT.

    I’ve finalized my plans for moving. I’ve hired a moving company and began packing. HappySad.

    I’m ready to be back in the classroom full time. I’m anxious, excited and full of hope and energy thinking forward.

    As usual, leaving will be hard. It always is.

    Getting close to people is hard. I didn’t use to think that. It has always been easy but I have never been the person leaving until now.

    Sometimes while I’m riding my bike and I see something like…kids napping while riding on the front or back of a bicycle…I think, what a different life it is here. NO SKUNKS. People rarely get stung by bee’s. I love finding out these silly little things. JOY.

    When I moved here everything was new and now its all normal. Bicycles riding everywhere, no pattern to the foot/bike traffic. No garbage cans in public places, the normality of drinking, being completely covered in summer not letting skin show, the cost of fruit and the amount of people on trains. Things that once blew my mind I can go through a day and not notice anymore.

    I’m excited for my next journey. For all the newness and freshness. The excitement that comes with new experiences, new relationships and new challenges.
    I’ll have a heck of a time leaving Nishinomiya. I appreciate the sadness and difficulty though, because where the pain exists, love exists.

    This is the place where I started to become the person I want to be. This is the place that saved a girl who didn’t know she needed saving.

    The world is in a sad place right now. Keep being light

    Shout out to BLMkansai. We went this weekend to support the movement and it was incredible. I am happy to be apart of something so great. It was well organized and carried out smoothly. Way to go Kansai and the organziers. 

       

      Until next time.

      illie

      Rachel

    • An Open Letter to My Parents

      An Open Letter to My Parents

      March 28, 2020

      Dear Mom and Dad,

      Can you believe today is the day? 30 years ago, you brought me into the world. I love birthdays. I believe whole heartily that every single person on earth should be celebrated. That’s a pretty beautiful belief isn’t it?

      30 years. THIRTY YEARS. I think it’s a big day for me but I know it’s a bigger day for you. This is the day your life yet again, changed. You had the responsibility of another child. Another being to share your love, attention and life with. Another child to teach patience, kindness, tenderness and truth too.

      Here I am. Standing tall and in my own two feet with strong beliefs of kindness and infinite worth.

      30 years ago was probably a pretty scary day, for you. Bringing into the world a fourth child and your first girl. Was it scary? Did you worry?…

      -Maybe she will do ballet, how would that go over and who would practice with her?

      -Maybe she won’t like playing outside…but who will stay inside with her?

      -What happens when she accidentally kills a goldfish and lies about it, will she get a spanking or is that life lesson already enough to learn the importance of honesty??

      -What happens when she gets her first crush and first broken heart?

      -How will I raise her to feel comfortable talking to me?

      -How can I help her to be the best that she can be?

      I imagine you had thousands of wonderings leading up to this day.

      Hell, you probably still do have wonderings that are closely related to predictions, fears or uncertainties.

      If you ever found yourself wondering these things let me put your mind at ease with the answers…

      -who will she marry? …It doesn’t matter. I’m a strong, confident, and independent individual and IF I meet the person I choose to spend the rest of my life with…you can be confident that they too are strong and confident individuals. You never have to worry about things like that. You raised me to be strong, independent, educated, personable, sincere and ever growing. Let that ease your mind and heart.

      -Does she keep things from us? Ignorance is bliss. Isn’t that the truth? However, there isn’t much I keep from you.

      -Does she know we did our best? Absolutely.

      -Why isn’t she home with family? I’m doing what you’ve always wanted me to do. I’m being happy.

      -Is she happy? Guilty.

      -Does she know when we are unhappy? You see right through me. I don’t need to say a word and you see my heart. It is your superpower. Here’s the kicker, it’s also my superpower.

      While this is a big day for me, it’s a bigger day for you. 30 years ago, you brought into the word a healthy baby girl.

      Today you still have a healthy baby girl.

      Here’s what I think you might not know…I see you. I always have and I always will.

      Here are just a few of life’s lessons that you’ve helped me learn. You can try to guess who guided me through the ugliness to learn the harshness and beauty of the word…but chances are you will see what I’ve always known. You have made the best team. You have navigated a beautifully broken ship through parenting in the toughest of seas.

      I imagine every day, you wake up trying to catch your breath, wondering if your ship is under water. Some days it I know it would be easier if the ship just went down. Gasping for breath, each morning- will it be water or air that fills your lungs?…Thank you for always choosing air when it would be easier to drown.

      Life lessons:

      • Strong people do hard things.
      • Just say okay.
      • Make the decision or it will be made for you.
      • 3s never work.
      • It doesn’t get easier.
      • 75% of people won’t meet your fancy (to say it nicely).
      • Drive safe. Be smart.
      • Don’t settle.
      • Never get into a car with someone who is drinking.
      • Nothing good happens after dark.
      • If it seems too good to be true then it probably is.
      • One step at a time.
      • Head up shoulders back.
      • People prove themselves (guilty).
      • When in doubt, mad, or anything but calm-don’t talk.
      • Walk away.
      • Don’t lock the keys in the car-but ALWAYS lock the car AND take everything out of the car because if you leave ANYTHING inside someone WILL break into your vehicle.
      • Walk. Get outside and walk. It is good for the heart.
      • When you need to have a serious talk with someone, just say, “let’s go on a ride” and get in the car and go.

      These are just a few that come to mind off the top of my head.

      Sit back, relax and breathe. You did good.

      Some traits embedded in me came from your undefeated tag team parenting and some of these traits I’ve gathered in the past 30 years and I’m hoping to plant seeds of hope in you.

      • I help people and I bring happiness to people. So do you.
      • I love driving with the windows down and whistling.
      • I am determined and challenge myself.
      • I love flowers, squirrels, Nebraska, sports, music, animals, sunshine, rain, the ocean, rainbows, cars, fishing and people. I have a genuine love for life, not found in many people. Rare species that can only be described as a “Binger”.
      • I believe that people do not have to be where they come from. Although it is a STRONG predictor…I dedicate my life to giving children (or anyone who needs them) the tools necessary to be resilient, strong, kind and find light in dark places.
      • I’m a teacher of so much more than academics. I hold children to high expectations and guide them through life lessons much like parents do.
      • You can add all things beautiful into an equation with the best of intentions and the answer might surprise you, it might still be everything you never wanted.  It’s nobodies fault. Some things don’t end up the way you hoped, no matter how hard you work. It has nothing to do with you.
      • You can’t change other people.
      • I know people and lives are not comparable. Comparison is a root of evil that will take your happiness if you let it.
      • Every single person you meet is doing the best they can with what they have.
      • A person will do what they are going to do whether you are there or not. You cannot blame yourself.
      • Don’t put out into the world something that you don’t want to get back.
      • The meanest people need the most love. They are the ones with the deepest pain.
      • For Pete’s sake just be nice.
      • Life isn’t fair. Never was and never will be. Do your best anyways.
      • Things won’t (always) be easy. STRONG people do hard things.
      • Bad things happen to good people. How you react and what you do next is your choice.

      Sometimes when we hang up the phone, I cry. I know that one day you won’t call me anymore and one day when I need advice, you won’t be there to give it to me. When I think about that, it nearly kills me. I have to work really hard to bring myself back to the present, to right here and right now before a clam moment turns into a panic attack because life without you is a painful thought and a dreadful, fearful, worry.

      I’m sure you vividly remember moments in these past 30 years where I have said hurtful things to you. You may not remember what I said, but I’m sure you remember the way it made you feel and I’m sorry for that.

      I want to take this moment to tell you, thank you. I want you to know that you are loved greatly and deeply and appreciated beyond words.

      • Thank you for loving me and supporting me.
      • Thank you for always doing more and being more, for me.
      • Thank you for letting me make mistakes that you knew were in the making even thought it killed you to see me hurt.
      • Thank you for teaching me to: ride a bike, drive a car&motorcycle, fish, change the oil, cook chicken, diagnose illness, break a fever, take care of living things and how to love without boundaries.  From watching you I have learned: the value in work, education, maintaining things you care about and own whether it be relationships or vehicles, being responsible and taking care of yourself, paying off debt, helping people and doing the things you say you will do…Being brave when you’re scared, being calm in emergency situations, never giving up, and saying sorry when you need to. You have taught me great things just by being you.
      • Thank you for correcting my papers and doing math homework with me.
      • Thank you for never missing one of my games and playing catch with me.
      • Thank you for letting me crush the cranberries and husk the corn.
      • Thank you for allowing the people I love and have in my life, enter into our home and come to our BBQ’s and be treated like family.
      • Thank you for showing me the value in relationships and family and always making ours work.
      • Thank you for reading to me every night.
      • Thank you for bringing me into the world, laughing with me, crying with me and helping me become the person I am today.

      You once said, “the only thing a parent wants for a child is to see them happy”. That is all I want for you. I want to see you happy. When does it become a wash, when do we just shake hands and come to an agreement to JUST BE HAPPY? I deserve to be happy. No more or no less than the next person. As do you. Every single person on earth deserves to be happy, healthy, free and safe. The only way to do that is from the inside out.

      I’m doing it. Are you?

      I hope that today you can look back, reflect and let out a sigh of relief. I hope that today as people celebrate me and I celebrate you, that you celebrate all that you have accomplished with this human life that started 30 years ago.

      You brought to life a girl who makes the world a better place. A girl who feels the emotions of life and is ever changing and growing into a better person.

      You succeeded.

      Now, my wish, do what you’ve always dreamed of, whatever it is.

      This is your time and your life, I’m living mine too.

      I love you. I admire you and I am proud to have come from 100% Nebraska grown, smart, loving, supportive parents.

      Be still mama and dad.

      Look at the flowers starting to pop. Remember what leads you to tears, will bring you to grace. Your pain is never wasted.

      Smile into the sunshine.

      Every time you feel the sunshine, let it warm your heart and know that you are warming mine.

      When you see the moon, think of me and know that I am thinking of you too.

      With love,

      Your baby girl,

      Rachel Ann.