Just be

Tag: happy

  • Elephant Ally

    Elephant Ally

    I did something BIG this year. I MADE IT TO THE ELLYS! Next blog will be dedicated to that…so, I’ll leave out those goodies until then. (I wrote this blog in 2023~never published it because I couldn’t upload photos and I still can’t-so here it is! Publishing it nearly 2 years later)

    May 20th, 2023

    I’ll be in Botswana in one month.

    I’m dreaming of tracking dinosaurs, in preparation for what my brain understands as the task. (Volunteering in the bush.)

    I’ve dreamed of seeing elephants in their natural habitat for years.

    To be honest it started by dreaming of seeing them in a zoo…at that time I didn’t know the implications of a zoo…I also didn’t realize that I was capable of doing whatever it is I dream. *We all are, so dream bigger*

    So here I am, 15 years after declaring elephants as my dream, elephants as a world treasure-that I am preparing to head into my first volunteer project, tracking animals in Okavango, Botswana and Phinda, South Africa. I’ll never wait this long to pursue a dream, again.

    I’ve imagined the stars, my first time spotting something wonderful, the sounds that will arise on outside of my tent. I missed the stars in Morocco but I saw constellations I have never seen!

    A year ago, sleeping outside in a tent, alone, was my biggest fear…something that I’ve only done once in my life and I’m headed into two weeks of it 🎉

    June 5th, 2023

    It’s so weird, growing and going. One day I was tweeting 🐥 John Cena everyday and then one day I just stopped.

    I wore a bow 🎀 everyday for nearly 6 years, now I do it occasionally.

    I use to see friends 👯‍♀️everyday and now it’s been years.

    I love doing things for the first time.

    I fear doing things for the last time.

    The thought or knowing of doing things for the last time holds me down. It’s suffocating, really.

    It’s not about first or last. It’s just about each moment, being in that moment. I know this. Come on, I know this. Still working on this one.

    South Africa day 1 Botswana June 19th, 2023

    I dropped a tear on each flight here. I did this. I am doing this. 

    Day 2: flight to Botswana is in 3 hours. 

    People ask if I’m excited and I freeze. Now sitting by myself I must say, I feel like it’s my birthday. Butterflies and nerves flying around. Or this cup o joe is strong. This is what it feels like to be on the brink of a dream. The step before a life changing experience. I know that I’ll never again be the same, stepping into the wholeness of me. I guess that part makes me a little nervous. I’ve got a lot of wonderful relationships in life right now and I know this experience is going to change me for the better-May it also impact them for the better. 

    Found out I’m the only volunteer on this research and data collection adventure, in the bush, in a tent.. Boarding the flight my knees were shaking and my heart was pounding. 

    June 20th 

    I’m terrified and I’m doing it anyways.

    In Botswana Riding to camp. 

    This ride puts theme parks to shame. Already exceeding all expectations. Pretty sure I saw elephant poop-because what creature could take poops that big. 

    Sunset one: the sky is a master piece. 

    I saw 4 giraffes 🦒 

    I hear unidentified sounds. 

    I asked a tracker to move his tent next to mine…They had never had a voluteer who was scared of the dark or camping in the bush…

    The moon is my favorite finger nail slice. 

    No power 🎉 

    10 meters from the men who are to keep me safe. Growing up with boys prepared me for this week, a week with no women. Collecting headlamps, finally useful 😆 

    33 years in training for this moment right now. 

    Saw the eyes of a creature 15 meters from tent. Unsure what it is but I’m now in bed while wild life lingers around. 

    Driving here was like being home. Like I was on the way to see long lost family…

    The air feels of fall. It was winter.

    The roads feel like the back way. 

    The silence is quiet.

    June 23rd, 2023

    Been thinking about why I enjoy doing things by myself. I think when I’m alone I give myself permission to be 100%, fully and completely, me. 

    I hope to take this into the real world. When I experience things alone my emotional response is stronger. I don’t water down my happy or excitement. 

    “Don’t keep your shoes outside your tent, a hyena will eat them” SERIOUSLY.

    6/26 I slept in the REAL wild. I’m talking no camp site, kitchen, just our tents. 

    I heard animals all night. 

    I could hear them calling from afar. 

    Breathing. Walking. Eating. 

    It was my best night of sleep. I had no fear 😢 I did it. 

    Today I saw 4 leapords, over 600 buffalo and a lioness hunting, she caught a buffalo calf. Two tears dropped from each of my eyes and I quickly wiped them away. Not because the world is making me cold but because I’m learning new perspectives, my mind and heart are expanding. 

    My heart ached for that baby buffalo but my heart also leaped in joy for that lioness who  was bad ass enough to hunt her own meal, alone, because she got left behind.  

    I’ve seen a lioness hunt. 

    I’ve seen elephants trumpet in fear and throw dust up in the air for fun. 

    I’ve seen crocodiles sneak into rivers and the warthogs have jooked me out with their running pattern. 

    I’ve tracked leopards and wild dogs and seen hyenas in their den. I’ve slept under the stars with a measly tent as the only barrier between me and the entire Phoenix zoo. 

    These animals in Botswana are ordinary. I grew up thinking these animals were just exhibits. 

    Instead of seeing animals in zoos I hope to teach (my) children/students to live a life of traveling, gaining new perspectives and learning beyond what they can see at home. 

    In the future I don’t want to work to provide for my children. 

    I want to live happy so that they can grow up to live happy. 

    I’m learning. Learning from people and nature. I have a lot more to learn and it’s an exciting path. 

    To making the ordinary always extraordinary. 

    Keeping the magic going when doing the same thing for the hundredth time. 

    Experiencing a new way of life and appreciating it, whether you adopt that life style or not.

    We are all here, together. Let’s celebrate each other and this place we call home. 

    A lion 5 meters away, roared and pounced at me. I jumped out of my seat and yelled oh shit. The trackers told me “don’t move, it gives them a chance” Another tracker later told me that you “don’t move because only food runs”.

    6/26 5am and I’m preparing to leave Mankwe, Botswana. I’m holding back tears. This place supported me in upgrading myself. It took 4 nights (heart pounding, nearly in tears every time I woke up-hourly at least) to overcome my biggest fear, the dark. I slept 3 nights with no fear. Nothing in the surroundings changed, which means I GREW. I’m proud of doing something here, everyday, that gave me crippling anxiety and fear. From being in the dark, to leaving my tent to pee, to being bed length distance from the mammals of Botswana. Elephants scared me more than I expected.

    You know, I’ve been here with these people a week and I’m sad to leave them. I think that’s special. I value connection. Give me a week and I’ll know you as if it’s been years and If you’re interested, you’ll know me the same. These men treated me as their sister and I’m sad to leave them. My first note to start this adventure-on June 20th “Boarding the flight my knees were shaking and my heart was pounding. I’m terrified and I’m doing it anyways.” Heading to the airport now, I have that lump in my throat, my eyes are full of tears, my heart is racing and my knees are shaking because I’m sad to leave.

    I came terrified and I’m leaving brave. 

    Driving to town, breaks went out. A whole new adventure…

    Scared? Yes. Maybe this is one of those things you don’t do scared. 

    • Do it scared, if it’s safe. 

    Cried leaving Botswana. The place I went that changed my life. A place that changed the trajectory of my path. A door that I opened and walked through. *I did this*. I know I’m strong. Physically and emotionally but this adventure is one where I felt weak and vulnerable which isn’t a bad thing. I had nowhere to turn but within. That weakness brought me to a new level of bravery, a new place to operate from. Leveled up.  everything in Botswana became eye level. Stars, animals, the ground, everything is now leveled. 

    South Africa for 1 night. Emerald guesthouse. 

    Muthi-magical medicine 

    Phinda-collecting elephant poop to research the impact of elephant contraceptive over long periods of time. 

    The elephants here seem different. 

    June 30th, 2023

    Social experiment. Dropped into a house with 5 complete strangers. Wonder if this is how students feel beginning a new school year. I am fascinated with the different experiences each of us brings to the table. In learning about others, I’m learning about myself. 

    I miss Botswana. 

    I miss sleeping outside by myself. (WHAT!?!??!!! Shocking for me to even think that much less write it.)

    Trying to gather back all of my sparkles, may have left some back at Okavango. 

    Recalibrating so that I can be fully present and engaged in these moments and experiences. 

    People are SO different. Why not focus on what’s the same? 🤔 what brings us together rather than what sets us apart. 

    Rhino injury treatment. Darted a rhino that had an injury that started from a tick bite. While treating this injury we also dehorned her so poachers won’t want to kill her for her horn. My first night in the volunteer house the trackers told me that we may assist in rhino dehorning. I thought it was cruel. I did not understand it.I thought, they will take care of their horns naturally…Turns out this is part of Rhino conservation.

    Nowhere to be but in the moment. Just what I needed to bring myself fully and completely  to the *now*. 

    July 2nd, 2023

    Happy July! Fresh out of the Indian Ocean and my head is spinning, heart is buzzin. 

    With a group of people I’ve known less than a week and as I look at them playing in the water, I am happy to call them My friends. This is what it’s about ay? Traveling your world-whatever it may be. Your backyard, neighborhood, city, country or the globe. Sometimes my big travel is just to the couch and I don’t mean that lightly. Sometimes getting out of bed is my journey for the day and sometimes it’s hardest if all. Many people say I’m living my best life and I AM, by choice AND our best lives look different. Comparing lives is our demise. It’s the downfall. I hope no matter where you are in the world, you let today be the new best day of your life. Smile at the butterfly, listen to your children laugh, look in the mirror and say I LOVE YOU, let the sun hit your face and warm your heart. We all deserve it. Beaming love.

    July 10th, 2023

    My brackets have been blown and I reckon my vocabulary has grown. I’m keen on South Africa. 

    Ingani-little one

    This trip is changing me. 

    My next dream to chase down is a motorcycle journey through the Himalayans. Or to the Amazon River. 

    If life turned out the way I thought it would…I wouldn’t be transcending beyond what I can see. 

    The world around you is happening inside of you.

    I extended my two week trip to three weeks and I could have stayed longer. I could have done a summer but the next adventure awaited, a summer at home. Not just a summer…my first summer in 5 years. 

    July 11th-August 17th, 2023

    This was my longest duration in Spokane since I moved to Japan in 2018. My first summer.

    Summer

    It was a lot. A lot of love, sunshine, play time, family time, and some sewing of course.

    My nieces and nephews are growing up. My friendships remained.

    Burgers, BBQs, lake days and jeep drives were highlights. Coffees and face tanning with my mom, parasailing with my dad for his 70th birthday, water balloon fights with the little ones, these are treasures in my heart. 

    Leaving home breaks my heart and heals it at the same time. When I think of the deep sadness I feel when I leave home, I think I must be the strongest person in the world to endure such pain. Living abroad is not for the faint of heart, this I know to be true. 

    September 7th, 2023

    Reading this I know I was experiencing some serious home sickness.

    The things we never see

    All the thoughts racing through the brain before it even wakes. 

    Does it even sleep? 

    Working 24 hours a day is taking a toll and the cost is my peace.

    The anxiety of having to go to the market, take a taxi or just to leave the house… I didn’t know you may not think of many things like: who, what, where, when, why. 

    Not to mention, having to ask for help. 

    I miss the ease of grocery stores and the ease of conversation. 

    Most of all when I get down, what I miss the most is that radiant being I call myself. 

    It doesn’t happen often but when it does it’s hard. 

    A curious new day ahead, brain please rest easy and let me go to bed. 

    October 4th, 2023

    So, if you have made it this far, THANK YOU. That is just a snippet of the past year of living, loving and growing.  I have a wondrous love story that I will share at a later point, it deserves a blog to itself. 

    All the love and all the power,

    illies

  • Morocco

    Morocco

    August 1st, 2022 

    I departed Japan 24 hours ago. 

    The place my life really began. Hard to believe that 4 years ago I had never left America and now I am 2 hours out from landing in Casablanca, Morocco. 

    2 hours out from my new home.

    2 hours out from my next chapter.

    A FEW Japan chapter take aways:

    I can do anything-move to a new country by myself, start a new job and succeed, make new friends with language barriers, bungee jump, sky dive, ocean dive, and brighten the world while brightening my own life.

    The airplane is small. Hard to get out and go to the bathroom. I don’t remember airplanes being this small. I haven’t flown on a full flight in 3 years, since COVID began. 

    Our layover was in Dubai. 

    My dad will have traveled the globe by the time he gets back to Washington. How bad ass is that. 2 one way tickets, 3 weeks and 4 countries/ FOUR CONTINENTS. I think that is amazing.

    The next chapter is beginning. 

    *Trust the process. Keep safe in doing so. Be smart and be strong.

    August 25th, 2022

    New continent, new adventure-same girl and same bike!

    I had a sweet ending to my time in Japan. Time with people that I adore and admire. I am now 24 days into my time in Morocco.

    It’ll be fun to go back and see how my first weeks in Japan were-that is when and why I began this blog!

    Getting off of the airplane in Casablanca, my knees were shaking, I was really nervous. I was more than nervous, I was terrified. Hard to believe that I did that by MYSELF when I moved to Japan. This time my dad was with me :]

    Driving to Tangier I saw: horses and mules, pulling wagons (SAY WHAT?!). Earlier that week my dad was talking about how his grandparents used horses to do the farm work-then I was seeing that with my very own eyes!

    Wagons for transportation- another shocker.

    The car ride was hot-AC is not as popular here as it is in the places I have lived. Airport to home was about 5 hours and after an 18 hour flight commute we were exhausted. Walking into the apartment I was happily surprised by the size and condition. The apartments here are BEAUTIFUL. Tile floors and giant rooms.

    No AC so windows are open all the time. For sleeping I have to decide if I want to have a hot room or a quiet room. The night life here is unlike anything I have ever experienced. The city seems to come to life around 8 or 9 and continue until the morning hours.

    September 10th, 2022

    I am now 1 month and 9 days into my journey here. The way I feel today is completely different than how I felt the day I arrived at the airport.

    The day I got here I was ready to leave. I wouldn’t have written that before today or told anybody because I knew I hadn’t given Morocco a chance. I hadn’t given myself a chance.

    I didn’t like the lack of smiles. Guess what-not everyone expresses happiness with a smile. Accepting that and learning to beam inside when necessary and outside when safe.

    I didn’t like being looked at. Now that I am around and living here, people don’t look so much.

    I was scared. Going out took a lot of energy. I was scared because I went from a place where NO one looks at you or touches you, to a place where everyone looks and personal space is everyones space. 

    I went from a quiet life to a city that comes to life at night. (It is beautiful.)

    It was a lot of adjusting. A new and different way of life.

    I appreciate the discomfort because I know that my greatest growths have come from being uncomfortable. The real changes have come from stepping outside of comfortable.

     People would ask me how I was liking Morocco and I would respond as positively as I could-It’s a lot and I look forward to the magic to be found.

    I was grasping at straws, yearning for the day I would feel safe and free. 

    I had a moment, 13 days into my time here, where I KNEW in my heart that I was going to be okay…That I was going to be more than okay, that I would thrive, grow and sparkle.  That was a big moment for me-the moment I knew this is the place for me.

    You know who was LOVING it from day one? Dad. Who knew that guy was born to be international. He is a natural at it. No fear. At least he shows no fear, in his daughter’s eyes. Something I am most thankful for is that my dad began this adventure with me.

    Tangier, Morocco

    Being 40 days into my time here, two years feels like it won’t be long enough. 

    40 days mask free after wearing a mask for the past 3 years. I felt naked without it for awhile and I still giggle when I reach up to my face to take it down.

    A funny for you: A guy at the beach told me I dropped my toilet paper…The entire roll that I carry in my backpack fell out. Most public restrooms don’t have it. Learned that the hard way.

    Crossing the street is an adventure.

    HEY! The Mediterranean sea is spectacular, can’t wait to explore that more. Also said my first hello to the Atlantic sea. In fact, dad and I both took our first swim in the Atlantic Ocean.

    My dad stayed with me for 3 weeks in Morocco before completing his trip around the globe. Washington state to Japan, to Morocco, to Spain and back home again. So thankful he was able to start this chapter with me. We both lucked out on that. I love that I made this decision to leave home and how my parents too, get to leave home. 

    In a short month together my dad and I traveled places we never dreamed of, places we had never looked at on a map and we did it together. I really do feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

    Spain
    Tangier
    Tangier
    Full moon

    Japan is where my life began.

    I am excited to see what unfolds in Morocco and how much more at home I will begin to feel living, as me. I am sure of something wondrous and beaming. 

    All the love and all the power from your now, Morocco Lovin’ Rachel.

    illies

  • Walkin’ on Sunshine ☀️

    Walkin’ on Sunshine ☀️

    Found a note that I started on my computer during my flight home!

    December 19th, 2021:

    Watching the sunrise above the clouds with the stars still sparkling. When these two meet, magic happens. The sun is rising while the moon is setting, the stars are shining while the clouds are changing colors, welcoming the new day. Like a birthday party for a brand new day!

    My first international flight in 3 years. The excitement, adventure and opportunities that this trip will bring are as great as the opportunity of a new day. Infinite.

    My covid experience was not knowing if I would hug my parents again. 

    In 2 hours I hit ground in Seattle, Washington.

    My trip started off in a new way. A great family, dear friends, brought me to the airport, parked and walked me in. They saw me off and boy did it feel like the sunrise meeting the moon set. Calm, peaceful and pure. To start my trip in such a way, I know that I have some great days ahead. 

    Familyships

    How could they not be, after all?

    … Back to present day:

    Last year, 2021, I was on a night dive, under water to bring in the the new year. 2021 consisted of 50+ dives around Japan, which is a lot for a girl who had never been under ocean water before. This year, 2022, I was on my way back to Japan, over the clouds. When I was younger I always heard *How you bring in the new year is how you spend the year. While I don’t put all my eggs in that basket, I know this year will be exciting and it is starting off with my head above the clouds.

    February:

    March! My favorite month. February was one for the books this year and I know March will be the same.

    I went to visit the place I use to be from…My first home away from home. Nishinomiya, Hyogo was a lot of firsts for me…I’d never left America and only visited a handful of states before getting my passport at 28 and moving here. I turned in my car keys, packed 3 suitcases and got a one way ticket to Japan for what I thought would be two years MAX. Here I am three and a half years later. My first: foreign country, train ride, chopstick use, sushi, raw fish, public bath, taxi ride and the gathering of my fragmented soul. It was also my first starting from the ground up building: familyships, friendships, a new language and career. It was my first time without: a car, an animal, gatorade, hot tamales, starbursts, pralines and cream ice cream…

    Living a life I never dreamed of, MAGIC.

    I am often smiling when I get on my bike because I am 31 years old, in a foreign country that I call home, RIDING my bike to the train station to go on a little adventure. COME ON now, does it get better than this?!

    I learned a more about living the past 3.5 years than I could have in a lifetime- if I didn’t take this opportunity. I feel that I have navigated and become better from each experience. I have learned about a new culture. The things I thought I would never understand are now normal. I think that is how I knew it was time to move on to the next adventure.

    This feeling is one I am familiar with…I’m not scared of where I’m going, I am lucky to have a life full of love to leave. Hard goodbyes are the best because where a difficult goodbye exists, love lives. Anywhere love lives, count me in.

    Most days I feel like I am walking on sunshine, sliding down rainbows. It is like I have these HAPPY glasses that I wear around. I find happiness in everything. Some may think I don’t see the realness in life but really, I find happy in that too. The other day my hands were so cold I could have broken my fingers off. I laughed. Stubbing my toe, hilarious. The hard stuff too, I may not always find happiness in it because let’s be real…there isn’t happiness in hurting someone you care about, a broken heart, the loss of a friend or the disappointment of a letdown. I do always recognize that the set back, is the set up. The cards are stacked in my favor and regardless of what it is, I will grow and become better, braver, stronger and wiser.

    Smile, it makes a difference. Laugh, it changes your life.

    Spring is here. Cherry blossoms are beginning. I use to feel restlessness in Spring. Now I feel hope, wonder and magic because I am at home with myself. What a wonderful place to be.

    I am 15 months hangover free and 30 pounds lighter. I was thinking this morning while getting ready for work, I have been living alone for 4 years, single for 5+. Sneaking up on 32 years old, I thought I would possibly be married by now and absolutely have children. Like I said…I am living a life that wasn’t even in my wildest dreams and it turns out, it’s perfect for me.

    There is always time to begin again.

    Love more, the world needs it.

    All the love and all the power.

    illies

    Rachel

  • Welcome To Wherever You Are

    Welcome To Wherever You Are

    Rachel here! I had a goal of no hangovers for a year and that goal has come and gone. I have now been hangover free for 14 months! Badda bing, badda boom~! Who knew, paradise was right here in my own home, my own body, on Saturday mornings rising with the sun. It took me awhile to make this a solid space of living and now that I have I often find myself ecstatic and happy at myself that I am able to rise with the sun, headache free and happy.

    Not only headache free. I’m nearly 10 months Zoloft free.

    8 years of Zoloft. I thought I was taking a pill that kept me safe and took care of my nightmares…I thought a pill was that magical. Little did I know, I hold so much more power within myself.

    Some new tattoos…it is funny that Japan is not a huge fan of tattoos but now I have gotten more than half of my tattoos here! Took me some tattoos and years to realize…my favorite tattoos are the ones that I got for myself. Go figure.

    I am

    The person I want to be. Each day I strive to be better than the day before. My call of action-reflection, action, manifestation.

    Went camping and slept in a SOLO tent for the first time. Probably the scariest thing I have ever done in my life….There were only two of us at the campsite…My first time really camping and boy oh boy was it a huge growing point for me. I can do scary things. I can overcome fears…

    When I was a child I thought that moments lasted forever. I thought the pain of skinning a knee, the trouble and guilt from stealing tic tacs and rolos from super one would last a life time. Now I am figuring out what kinds of moments I do want to keep alive and well and what I need to let go of.

    Instead of thinking that the best has already happened, or the best is yet to happen...I know that the best is always happening.

    I got to visit home for the first time since 2019. It was much needed visit. My covid experience shook me to the core and hugging my parents was what I wanted more than anything. So, December 2021 I got to hug them and meet my new niece and have a reunion with some people I love dearly. My trip back to Japan was delayed and those bonus days I got were my favorite part. This was a trip unlike any before. A new kind of way to be with the people I love most and it was perfect. The time together was everything I wanted and needed. Of course, I do look forward to the next time I get to hug my mama and dad. Those humans…some of the worlds greatest.

    I often think about this blueprint of my life. Every SINGLE second makes a difference. It blows my mind when I really think about the butterfly effect [tiny changes in big systems can have complex results]. The tiny changes are what I think of as EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY. Pressing snooze, changing the song, red lights, green lights, putting my left shoe on before the right, staying in the shower for one more second…These are the decisions of everyday. Not making a decision is actually making a decision. The system..is our life. These tiny (or big) moments lead us to right here, right now.

    Not everyone believes this and that’s the great thing, this isn’t anyone’s blog, it’s mine.

    I believe it and I choose to find magic and goodness in it. I am always right where I am suppose to be.

    OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
    OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

    Japan is the place I really fell in love with myself for the first time.

    My next step in life: Morocco. I love Japan and it has afforded me the ability to get to know the truest and best version of myself. I’ve created a happy, healthy, exciting and beautiful life here. Why I would leave something so wonderful, why not? This is only the first country I have been to outside of America and it has been top notch magical. The next will be too. The things I want in life: abundant happiness, health, wealth, love, growth, experiences…these are not a location. They are me. I will have these no matter where I am. Wherever I am, I am home.

    So as Bon Jovi says, Welcome to wherever you are.

    When I started this blog it was about everything in Japan that was new and exciting for me. The things that shocked me, shook me and excited me. Next-I’ll be writing about all of those magnificent things in a new place, Tangier, Morocco.

    I got a Cricut machine and I have been creating some handmade magic. Class T-shirts, some for myself, friends, family. I have also taken up running and am now rescue diver certified! Yay for healthy, enjoyable habits and hobbies.




    MY HAIR!!! Post covid my hair fell out my the clumps, for six months. It is growing back in now like a CHAMP. I call my new hairs, growers. They make me laugh.

    I did a manifesting class to start the year and my wishes-

    Africa or better —MOROCCO!

    Elephants in their natural habitat Or better-I expect that to be coming soon.

    Rockin* Radiant relationships or better- Always in the making.

    I learned to always add *or better* at the end of manifestations, hopes and dreams. It opens the door for even MORE magic.

    I am caught up in the magic of life these days, living in the light, on the bright side. The universe is always rooting for me and has my back.

    The cards aren’t stacked against you, they are stacked for you, BELIEVE that.

    To the best life, or better.

    Happy Full Moon 🙂

    All the love and all the power.

    illies

    Rachel

  • Compilation: The first half of 2021

    Compilation: The first half of 2021

    Alright, alright alright! Here we go. I had 5 blogs started so I’m going to throw them altogether and see what I end up with. So-here we go. My first half of 2021 in review.

    January 2021:

    2021! Welcome. This year is off to an extra special start.

    Where were you when the new year struck?

    Me, I was under water on a night dive. I entered the water in the last hour of 2020 and I exited within the first hour of 2021!

    It was an exciting experience. In the past month I have gone from a 1 dive girl to double digits-17 dives deep! I am working on getting my advanced open water diving certificate.

    Under water is really a cool place to be. I was asked while on a dive trip with my favorite dive shop- OhanaWith in Numazu.

    Why did you start diving?

    The easy answer…I don’t know.

    The real answer…I wanted to do something I was scared of. That is why I started. I’m continuing it because I want to master something that I never thought I’d do. I want to master this new exciting hobby that is bringing joy, health and wealth into my life.

    I’m reflecting a bit on some of the heart work I’ve been doing. I’ve hosted some resentment within me because I felt invisible at times throughout my life. I thought others weren’t seeing me…turns out-I made myself invisible.

    This is a hard reality for me to stomach. Why would someone want to be invisible?

    Well-the answer is-at times it probably saved my life. There were times it was safe and easy to be invisible. It was something I held tight to unknowingly though and I’m ready to let it go.

    This winter I had a moment where I tried to go invisible. I felt like a hassle to those I was with and I felt unwanted. This in no way was what was happening but in my mind, it was. That is where I need to expand my heart, mind and soul. This only reflects myself, the way I feel about myself. I developed this victim mentality that I thought I let go of years ago. I remember being a teenager thinking “Why is this happening to me…” I now know that the things that I thought were happening to me…were not even about me. It was about them.

    February 2021:

    Lose yo’self.

    Not.

    March 2021

    There is only one way forward…and that is forward.

    I rented a motorcycle. What an ADVENTURE. During my 24 hour rental I had this…revelation. The only way forward, is…drumroll please……………….

    FORWARD

    Seems obvious. However, when we drive, we look back with the mirrors. On the motorcycle there were times when I was looking back, so concerned that I was an inconvience for the person behind me, I would pull over. The mirror is an important tool. Necessary for safety and more importantly, is what is ahead.

    I am…The person I want to be. Each day I strive to be better than the day before. My call of action-reflection, action, manifestation.

    April 2021

    Life is full of big decisions. Ones that change a moment, a day, and your entire life.

    Frightening or freeing depending on how you look at it.

    I’m days off of Zoloft which I’ve taken since I was 23 years old. Frightening or freeing depending on how I see it.

    May 2021

    Started Aikido and came while reading a book about it I came across the FAQ.

    Does Aikido make you “strong”?

    Answer: The development of spiritual strength will give you the unshakable confidence to meet any challenge that is true strength.

    June 2021

    The wisdom inside of you-the you inside of you that loves you more than anybody else in the world-That you doesn’t need to be found, they need to be uncovered. -Annie Grace words. Powerful.

    Too drunk to drive in the morning. THE NEXT MORNING. Has that ever happened to you?

    You ever laughed about that with friends the next morning?

    I wish I could say no-. However, at that time in my life I actually thought it was funny.

    Seems like ages ago. Well those mornings have been years ago. I took breaks from drinking here and there. Months at a time. Now, I’m currently on my 6th month of choosing not to drink-because I don’t want to. Who knew, paradise was right here in my own home. Saturnine mornings, 5 AM woken up by the sunlight, refreshed and ready to start the day. Headaches that are curable, anxiety that is non-existent. It took me awhile to make this a solid space of living and now that I have I often find myself so happy at myself because I am able to rise with the sun, headache free and happy.

    Not only headache free. I’m nearly 2 months Zoloft free.

    8 years of Zoloft. I thought I was taking a pill that kept me safe. Made me feel safe. Took care of my nightmares…I thought a pill was that magical. Little did I know, I hold so much more power within myself.

    I am that powerful.

    I was told I would likely be on Zoloft the rest of my life. Thankfully, I found myself in a safe situation, place and environment where I was able to give it a go. The withdrawals were notable. The chills, headaches, dizziness and nightmares came and have since went.

    

    One night…So notable I am going to share it. This was a week or so off of Zoloft and the nightmares that began all those years ago returned. I woke up and began to panic. I was crying, unable to calm myself and I was awake. I was looking around my room trying to convince myself that I was safe-because I was.

    This night, it took me 20 minutes with some help of my energy sensei to get back to center in a place where I was able to lay back down. When I began Zoloft it was because I had these same nightmares and I would stay up the entire night, scared out of my mind. This was the same nightmare but this time instead of 12 plus hours to get back in my body, right here right now, it took me 20 minutes. Growth.

    This first six months of 2021 has been a lot of heart, mind, soul growth and expansion. It’s been healthy. I’ve been practicing energy work, wim hof, ocean diving, aikido and added some new ink to my body too. One more dive course and I’m into the rhelm of professional divers. YES!

    Life is easy and life is good. Let it be.

    https://videopress.com/v/PAAiysIK?preloadContent=metadata

    Here’s to the next six months of magic.

    illies

    Rachel

  • Autumn Orange Slices and Capri Suns

    Autumn Orange Slices and Capri Suns

    The fall this year has got me all up in my feelings.

    The cool breeze in the mornings in hand with the sunshine takes me back to the age of 7 or so.

    Getting up early when the grass has a bit of dew on it, sleep in my eyes and a box full of capri suns and squeeze-its ready for the end of the game celebration. 2-4-6-8 who do we appreciateeeeeeeee.

    The weekend soccer games. Each day on my way to work, that is what I’m thinking about. It is the perfect combination of sunshine and autumn air taking me back.

    Freezing in the morning and sweating by half time. Orange slices at half time and a smile from mom and dad.

    These weekend full of soccer games haven’t crossed my mind before.

    I love the way the air feels in the fall but right now, it’s not only the fall air. It feels different and it is taking me back to when I was a little girl.

    I think maybe that little girl is trying to catch up to me and where I’m at now.

    I miss waking up in the same house as my parents. I miss my mom saying “time to get up” each morning. I miss falling asleep to the sound of my moms voice.

    On weekends (he still would if I was there) my dad would come in my room by about 8am and say “RACHEL YOU’RE LATE FOR SCHOOL”. I’d still jump out of bed in a panic. Then I’d be up just to see what was in store from father. Likely a harbor freight run. He LOVES that place.

    I miss going to baskin robins every night of the summer for a scoop of ice cream with my dad, driving around listening to Steely Dan and Bye Bye Miss American Pie.

    When I was little I dreaded the car/boat/motorcycle/craft show. At about 20 I became interested in them and before I moved these shows had become an annual event.

    HappySad.

    Looking back is always hard. I wish it made me happy and maybe it will one day but right now, it’s hard, it hurts and it makes me sad. I also feel these emotions when looking too far into the future.

    Working on being right here, right now. Soaking up the autumn mornings and letting the sun help me to shine brighter.

    The brighter I shine, the brighter you can shine.

    Sparkle on friends.

    illies

    Rachel

  • Falling in Happy

    Falling in Happy

    Do you ever sit and think about how lucky you are? I do and I highly recommend it.

    I recently had this epiphany (with some outside help).

    Life is allowed to be easy.

    I would feel defensive when people would say things like:

    1. You’re so lucky
    2. Count your blessings
    3. If your life is easy, be grateful
    4. Things are easy for you

    Looking at those statements they are all positive. I am lucky, I do and should always count my happies, life is great and it is easy for me to do the things I want to do. This is all incredible. Yet, I would feel defensive. The automatic defense this sent me into has since dissipated all because of the realization that life is allowed to be easy.

    I felt bad before that my life is, well, what it is. Now, I’m wondering why everyone doesn’t go ahead, go out and GET HAPPY.

    My journey started about a year ago with the words, healthy, happy, free and safe. These were the words I wanted to bring into my life. I knew the only way to get healthy and bring feelings of happiness, freedom and safety into my life was from the inside, out. Started with 4 little words. A year later, I’m in a new city, starting another chapter of life where I am indeed, happy, healthy, safe and free.

    Now, I’ve got new goals I’m fostering and setting.

    I wish everyone would do this but I’m doing what I can do, I’m doing it.

    I’m settled in a new home, in a new city. I’ve been in Japan for just over two years and Numazu for 3 months. My new home is near beautiful beaches and mountains. My home is coming together. As you may know…my living space tends to be…childlike. I have changed in the past two years and my living space is now getting energized and upgraded to catch up to me, Rachel, in 2020. I’ve gotten rid of things that no longer fit, things I think i’ll get around to wearing, making, or fixing and the “stuff” that clutters my life. I look forward to going home to a place I previously (slightly) avoided.
    It is an exciting time in my life and I hope it is in yours too.

    Fall is here. I’m loving the weather.

    I’ve taken up snorkeling, bought a customized wetsuit and I am going to get my diving certificate! ADVENTURING!

    Welcoming the joy, new experiences and all the abundance life offers.

    Less is more.

    Go on, get happy.

    illies

  • PNW raised, Japan saved

    PNW raised, Japan saved

    HAPPY JUNE!!

    May 1, 2020 (I’m currently finishing up this blog and it is now June 9th…this blog is events from the past five months.)

    Hey you! Stop, collaborate and listen…I’m getting older so if you don’t finish that line-just consider it a generation gap. ICE IS BACK WITH MY BRAND NEW INVENTION.

    Happy, healthy, free, beautiful and safe. This has been the words I’ve repeated everyday for at least two months. Sometimes hundreds of times a day. When I began…I knew these words all hold a place deep in my bones and now I feel them.

    Find what you need and bring them to your life. 

    A year ago my dad was here.

    Right now Japan isn’t allowing flights inbound.

    I’ve been away from home for my longest stent yet with no future plans of returning. I’m starting to clean up and pack for my next adventure.

    My next adventure. Wow.

    My trip to Thailand was cancelled-because of the virus. School has been cancelled for a month and will be postponed for another month. At home, school has been cancelled for the rest of the year.

    The world is in a strange place. I hope you are staying healthy.

    For my 30th birthday I spent the day with a few friends. We ate lunch at my favorite burger shop and had cake. Relaxing way to enter my 30s.

    Not too much has happened in the past month. I’ve spent days at a time at home alone. I’ve had limited social interactions which I guess I was already use to, having been in Japan for a year and a half.

    It better prepared me for this pandemic. I have limited social interactions and many of the interactions I have daily require a mass amount of energy. On top of the energy it requires to do simple things, much of the message is lost in translation.

    That is something I miss. I miss the easiness of relationships. I miss the communication that is understood through verbal and non-verbal communication.

    My fears have evolved so much in the past two years. I use to be afraid of anything and everything. My friends, I’d have them WATCH me walk to my car at night. I’d have my mom wait up for me if I was going to come home late. I never slept with my windows open because that is terrifying. Pull up to a stoplight, make sure the doors are locked. Headphones in when walking, no way. I use to hear sounds at night and it would scare me so badly I would stay up ALL NIGHT because sleeping when you are that scared is out of the question.

    I’m in a completely different place in life, literally and figuratively. My anxiety and depression are at bay and manageable. I do have days where I do breakdown but I consider that a normal part of life-not linked to my depression and anxiety. My fears have evolved because my anxiety is manageable and I no longer worry about the things that use to hurt me. I’m coming to terms with the fact that it was never other people/things/events that hurt me. It was me, hurting ME. Figuring that out felt like a pounds of pressure off my chest. I can breathe easier.

    The only person I can control is myself. I cannot control others. What someone else does is no reflection on me or who I am. Geographically moving doesn’t fix depression/anxiety but it has helped me manage mine. Sometimes all you need is boundaries and the way you acquire them varies. My boundaries and freedom came from moving out of the country. My freedom and safety came from digging deep within. I still have a lot to unpack and to tell you the truth I’m scared to do it. I have memories and years I cannot remember. I know they are in me somewhere and there’s a reason I can’t remember. When I’m ready, I’ll start digging.

    6/1/2020

    I stopped writing a month ago because thinking about unpacking the past put me into a frenzy. It made me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I’m not in the headspace to do this, yet. So for now-I’ll document the things I have been in the headspace to do!

    February:

    23rd: Osaka aquarium

     

    24th: pole dancing show

    March

    7: Got out of the house and went to a singles event to meet new people.

    8: Went to a friends house to meet her bunny and prairie dogs! Prairie dogs, as pets!

    Started sewing at school because students were no longer coming. Listened to hours of 48 hours podcasts, made bags, pencil cases and blankets.

    Went to an old students house to meet her family and have lunch.

    MORE sewing

    Hair became long enough for pig tails

    Trip to Thailand cancelled

    Last days at my most recent school and the last day at a school I’ve gone to once a month for the past year and a half. Cried on the way out of both.

    April

    Mom’s trip to Japan, cancelled

    End of March/beginning of April…wrote and sent out about 50-100 happies to friends all over America. They have yet to receive them…

    Chipped my front tooth. Again.

    Made an address book.

    Sakura season

     

    New school

    May:

    Work from home days because of COVID19.

    More sewing

    Set some savings goal so I can buy a little Suzuki motorcycle during my next adventure.

    Found out that my kid is actually a girl, after naming her, BOY (Otokonoko).

    Mother’s Day-love you mom.

    Beach days

    2 full days sitting with my sadness and letting it out

    More beach days

    Began packing

    Hikes with friends

    Last week I began running.

    Chipped my front tooth again-dental work

    Some weird mystery infection.

    Immigrations office

          That brings us here, to June. I’m still waiting for a refund for my trip to Thailand. Hoping to squeeze it in at some point.

    Hoping mom will be able to come visit sooner rather than later.

    School started back up today. Half the students come in the AM and the other half in the PM. That way students are distanced and we can sanitize between groups. Students have 4 classes that are each a half hour. I’ll begin classes tomorrow. I CAN’T WAIT.

    I’ve finalized my plans for moving. I’ve hired a moving company and began packing. HappySad.

    I’m ready to be back in the classroom full time. I’m anxious, excited and full of hope and energy thinking forward.

    As usual, leaving will be hard. It always is.

    Getting close to people is hard. I didn’t use to think that. It has always been easy but I have never been the person leaving until now.

    Sometimes while I’m riding my bike and I see something like…kids napping while riding on the front or back of a bicycle…I think, what a different life it is here. NO SKUNKS. People rarely get stung by bee’s. I love finding out these silly little things. JOY.

    When I moved here everything was new and now its all normal. Bicycles riding everywhere, no pattern to the foot/bike traffic. No garbage cans in public places, the normality of drinking, being completely covered in summer not letting skin show, the cost of fruit and the amount of people on trains. Things that once blew my mind I can go through a day and not notice anymore.

    I’m excited for my next journey. For all the newness and freshness. The excitement that comes with new experiences, new relationships and new challenges.
    I’ll have a heck of a time leaving Nishinomiya. I appreciate the sadness and difficulty though, because where the pain exists, love exists.

    This is the place where I started to become the person I want to be. This is the place that saved a girl who didn’t know she needed saving.

    The world is in a sad place right now. Keep being light

    Shout out to BLMkansai. We went this weekend to support the movement and it was incredible. I am happy to be apart of something so great. It was well organized and carried out smoothly. Way to go Kansai and the organziers. 

       

      Until next time.

      illie

      Rachel

    • The beginning of 2020

      —-The journey anyone can enjoy reading—

      February 2020

      I was struggling with the most difficult heart work I’ve yet to experience. In the moments I was crying-it didn’t feel good. It was hard. I was reflecting and acknowledging things that I’d never given the time to. My last post was November 22! Wow, do I have a lot to share with you. November, I went to Tokyo for the first time. I liked it so much more than I imagined. Went to the busiest crossroad in-Shibuya. I was already happy because of the name…SHE BOO YA! You know I love that.

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      Shinkansen, YES!

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      Shibuya.

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      Tokyo-Team Lab

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      We went to Kamakura, which was an amazing site.

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        The entire experience was great. It was also shortly after I decided that I’d rather not drink. So-it was early morning starts, feeling like a million bucks. December-I went to Osaka to see my friends wrestle. Second time seeing a hometown friend, in Japan!

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      I went to Glico company. You know, where they make POCKY!

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        December 14th, my family grew bigger by one. If you know me, you have since met, Otokonoko. I went to see the Kobe luminarie with an old student and her sister. I just adore this girl and am so happy that have met her.

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      Christmas was a pretty typical day. Work. Had a Spokane/Nishinomiya Christmas party-lots of fun.

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      The next day was extremely special. It was the birthday of three wonderful woman in my life. I went with Yuko, to Nara. I thought that this would be a place I would go with these ladies if they were here. I wanted to go here to dedicate my day to celebrating them. We went to see the deer and visit a famous Temple. While here, I lit a candle for each of these women and said a prayer for their year to come. Love you wonderful ladies, Kristy, Lois and Mama.

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      New years eve I got to have a traditional Japanese dinner with one of my greatest friends, and her family. Soba! It was delicious. I also made MOCHI!!! This was the coolest experience and it only happens once a year.

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      New years I got to spend with Ayano and her family. A traditional Japanese new year. We ate Osechi that her family made, went to a shrine and enjoyed the company of each other.

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      Visited Kyoto with my friend from my last school. A dear woman in my life lost her daughter this day. I went to a shrine and prayed for her and her family. Love you.

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      Participated in a kimono event! Pamela and I got to wear traditional kimonos and participate in a tea ceremony.

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      You may have noticed that I have not spent as much time at the dentist. Stopped in for a cleaning. YIPEE. January 30th, I left for Sapporo, Hokkaido. The first three days were spent in the place of the snow festival. People were busy preparing snow sculptures. They were perfect.

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      The next 3 days were spent at Rutsusu resort. I went snowboarding for the first time in almost 20 years. Born again, first timer. My body held up far better than I intended. I had more fun than I remember ever having while on a mountain. I think it was because I was by myself. The thought of slowing someone else down never crossed my mind, I expected a fall off the chair lift (never happened?!) and I was planning on just a few runs before calling it good.

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      I never left the “family” runs. I’m okay with that. I went night skiing one evening which was fantastic. This trip was especially, wonderful, because I got to spend time with my friend that I met/visited for the first-time last year in Okinawa! Special little family that I got to join for a week. That right there is good for the heart. Thanks sister.

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      Got home the 6th and headed back to work the 7th and off to the zoo on the 8th. Pamela and I got to be models for kimonos on the 9th. We also participated in an international café, where we talked to people for hours, in English. It was great to see people of all ages, gather with one thing in common-wanting to speak in their second language. The bravery of people never gets old.

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      I adventured to IKEA! I didn’t know it was so close. It was kind of like a Costco adventure for me, minus the hot dog. Just walk around and enjoy. Valentine’s day in Japan…girls give boys chocolates. My mom sent me a wonderful package. February 15th, I went to an evening of Traditional Osaka Performances. There were 4 different performances which included, Ozashiki-asobi, Noh play, rakugo and koukyoku. It was in English. I hope to go again. The company was also great, as it tends to be here.

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      The 16th I went to USJ! Universal Studios Japan. I’ve only been to Disney land once in my life, when I was 23. It was a one-time only experience. I’m not crazy about waiting for longer than 30 minutes or walking in crowded places. I was thinking USJ would be the same. However, it was raining and with the coronavirus going around, the amount of people was far less than I expected! HAPPY SURPRISE. We didn’t wait longer than 10-15 minutes for anything. My favorite attraction was Harry Potter. Those 4D rides are nuts. It was my first time on one. We loved it so much we did it three times in a row.

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      You know everything I’ve done here in Japan, the things I wanted to do and the things I did for the experience…everything always turns out to be as wonderful or more than what I expect. Oh my Gosh. I haven’t posted in so long that I have more exciting news to share. I am honored to have had the opportunity to work with such wonderful people in Spokane. I am lucky to have had so many students impact my life and help make me a better person. I was due to depart Japan in July 2020. That is a quick 5 months away. I would have liked to return home. I will stay here though; I am so much healthier here in Japan. With that in mind I started to look for a job here. I am going to be an elementary teacher in Shizuoka. I’ll live in the land of the rising sun, where Mt. Fuji rests. I’ll be sad to leave Nishinomiya but I’m happy to be staying in Japan. Japan has been good for me in so many ways. 心豊かな経験と共に、今年でスポーケンの教職を離れることになりました。 静岡県のインターナショナル・スクールの小学部の先生として働きます。 『日の昇る国』に留まることにしました。 For all you knuckleheads that haven’t come to visit me yet…you got at minimum, 2 more years to make it happen. No excuses. No time, no money…money is cheap and it fills your pockets…but-life, memories, friendship, experiences, these things are expensive and worth every bit to make it happen…they fill your heart. Resigning from my career was difficult but I know that I’m doing this for all the right reasons. Every reason benefits me. The right thing isn’t usually the easy thing.

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      MARCH is going to be exciting. When I was ~22 someone asked me my dream. Dream as in something I’d do if I COULD, but probably not attainable. My dream was to take care of an elephant. To have an elephant. Not at a zoo, but just in its natural habitat. My boyfriend at the time laughed at me. It made me so sad that my real-life dream was being laughed at, by someone I cared about so much. I left and walked home, possibly in tears. I’m laughing thinking about it now. That is my dream. 100%. Still. It has always been something I considered unachievable. [Idiot.] The only thing that can hold us back is OURSELVES. For my birthday I decided…I’m going to see ellys in their natural habitat. I’m going to go to Thailand and spend 10 days, with elephants. I still cannot believe that I am doing this. April, MY MOM IS COMING TO VISIT. I am more than excited to welcome her to Japan and to let Japan hear the laughter of the two of us.

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      My mom and I have a great time together. We have these heart felt laughs that others can feel deep down in their bones. I’m excited that we are going international with our happiness. Time with my mom is time best spent. May and June will be my last full months in Nishinomiya, at my current job as an assistant language teacher. Then, July, this chapter ends, but the Japan adventure (book) continues.

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      If you let it, time heals most things. If time doesn’t heal it, you will get stronger. The biggest barrier in life is US. Go out and get happy. If you want to be, be. You are loved, worthy, smart, brave, healthy, safe and free. You are enough. Do more and be more and do it now.

      Do it scared. 

      As always. Lots of love. illie

      RB レイちゃん

    • An Open Letter to My Parents

      An Open Letter to My Parents

      March 28, 2020

      Dear Mom and Dad,

      Can you believe today is the day? 30 years ago, you brought me into the world. I love birthdays. I believe whole heartily that every single person on earth should be celebrated. That’s a pretty beautiful belief isn’t it?

      30 years. THIRTY YEARS. I think it’s a big day for me but I know it’s a bigger day for you. This is the day your life yet again, changed. You had the responsibility of another child. Another being to share your love, attention and life with. Another child to teach patience, kindness, tenderness and truth too.

      Here I am. Standing tall and in my own two feet with strong beliefs of kindness and infinite worth.

      30 years ago was probably a pretty scary day, for you. Bringing into the world a fourth child and your first girl. Was it scary? Did you worry?…

      -Maybe she will do ballet, how would that go over and who would practice with her?

      -Maybe she won’t like playing outside…but who will stay inside with her?

      -What happens when she accidentally kills a goldfish and lies about it, will she get a spanking or is that life lesson already enough to learn the importance of honesty??

      -What happens when she gets her first crush and first broken heart?

      -How will I raise her to feel comfortable talking to me?

      -How can I help her to be the best that she can be?

      I imagine you had thousands of wonderings leading up to this day.

      Hell, you probably still do have wonderings that are closely related to predictions, fears or uncertainties.

      If you ever found yourself wondering these things let me put your mind at ease with the answers…

      -who will she marry? …It doesn’t matter. I’m a strong, confident, and independent individual and IF I meet the person I choose to spend the rest of my life with…you can be confident that they too are strong and confident individuals. You never have to worry about things like that. You raised me to be strong, independent, educated, personable, sincere and ever growing. Let that ease your mind and heart.

      -Does she keep things from us? Ignorance is bliss. Isn’t that the truth? However, there isn’t much I keep from you.

      -Does she know we did our best? Absolutely.

      -Why isn’t she home with family? I’m doing what you’ve always wanted me to do. I’m being happy.

      -Is she happy? Guilty.

      -Does she know when we are unhappy? You see right through me. I don’t need to say a word and you see my heart. It is your superpower. Here’s the kicker, it’s also my superpower.

      While this is a big day for me, it’s a bigger day for you. 30 years ago, you brought into the word a healthy baby girl.

      Today you still have a healthy baby girl.

      Here’s what I think you might not know…I see you. I always have and I always will.

      Here are just a few of life’s lessons that you’ve helped me learn. You can try to guess who guided me through the ugliness to learn the harshness and beauty of the word…but chances are you will see what I’ve always known. You have made the best team. You have navigated a beautifully broken ship through parenting in the toughest of seas.

      I imagine every day, you wake up trying to catch your breath, wondering if your ship is under water. Some days it I know it would be easier if the ship just went down. Gasping for breath, each morning- will it be water or air that fills your lungs?…Thank you for always choosing air when it would be easier to drown.

      Life lessons:

      • Strong people do hard things.
      • Just say okay.
      • Make the decision or it will be made for you.
      • 3s never work.
      • It doesn’t get easier.
      • 75% of people won’t meet your fancy (to say it nicely).
      • Drive safe. Be smart.
      • Don’t settle.
      • Never get into a car with someone who is drinking.
      • Nothing good happens after dark.
      • If it seems too good to be true then it probably is.
      • One step at a time.
      • Head up shoulders back.
      • People prove themselves (guilty).
      • When in doubt, mad, or anything but calm-don’t talk.
      • Walk away.
      • Don’t lock the keys in the car-but ALWAYS lock the car AND take everything out of the car because if you leave ANYTHING inside someone WILL break into your vehicle.
      • Walk. Get outside and walk. It is good for the heart.
      • When you need to have a serious talk with someone, just say, “let’s go on a ride” and get in the car and go.

      These are just a few that come to mind off the top of my head.

      Sit back, relax and breathe. You did good.

      Some traits embedded in me came from your undefeated tag team parenting and some of these traits I’ve gathered in the past 30 years and I’m hoping to plant seeds of hope in you.

      • I help people and I bring happiness to people. So do you.
      • I love driving with the windows down and whistling.
      • I am determined and challenge myself.
      • I love flowers, squirrels, Nebraska, sports, music, animals, sunshine, rain, the ocean, rainbows, cars, fishing and people. I have a genuine love for life, not found in many people. Rare species that can only be described as a “Binger”.
      • I believe that people do not have to be where they come from. Although it is a STRONG predictor…I dedicate my life to giving children (or anyone who needs them) the tools necessary to be resilient, strong, kind and find light in dark places.
      • I’m a teacher of so much more than academics. I hold children to high expectations and guide them through life lessons much like parents do.
      • You can add all things beautiful into an equation with the best of intentions and the answer might surprise you, it might still be everything you never wanted.  It’s nobodies fault. Some things don’t end up the way you hoped, no matter how hard you work. It has nothing to do with you.
      • You can’t change other people.
      • I know people and lives are not comparable. Comparison is a root of evil that will take your happiness if you let it.
      • Every single person you meet is doing the best they can with what they have.
      • A person will do what they are going to do whether you are there or not. You cannot blame yourself.
      • Don’t put out into the world something that you don’t want to get back.
      • The meanest people need the most love. They are the ones with the deepest pain.
      • For Pete’s sake just be nice.
      • Life isn’t fair. Never was and never will be. Do your best anyways.
      • Things won’t (always) be easy. STRONG people do hard things.
      • Bad things happen to good people. How you react and what you do next is your choice.

      Sometimes when we hang up the phone, I cry. I know that one day you won’t call me anymore and one day when I need advice, you won’t be there to give it to me. When I think about that, it nearly kills me. I have to work really hard to bring myself back to the present, to right here and right now before a clam moment turns into a panic attack because life without you is a painful thought and a dreadful, fearful, worry.

      I’m sure you vividly remember moments in these past 30 years where I have said hurtful things to you. You may not remember what I said, but I’m sure you remember the way it made you feel and I’m sorry for that.

      I want to take this moment to tell you, thank you. I want you to know that you are loved greatly and deeply and appreciated beyond words.

      • Thank you for loving me and supporting me.
      • Thank you for always doing more and being more, for me.
      • Thank you for letting me make mistakes that you knew were in the making even thought it killed you to see me hurt.
      • Thank you for teaching me to: ride a bike, drive a car&motorcycle, fish, change the oil, cook chicken, diagnose illness, break a fever, take care of living things and how to love without boundaries.  From watching you I have learned: the value in work, education, maintaining things you care about and own whether it be relationships or vehicles, being responsible and taking care of yourself, paying off debt, helping people and doing the things you say you will do…Being brave when you’re scared, being calm in emergency situations, never giving up, and saying sorry when you need to. You have taught me great things just by being you.
      • Thank you for correcting my papers and doing math homework with me.
      • Thank you for never missing one of my games and playing catch with me.
      • Thank you for letting me crush the cranberries and husk the corn.
      • Thank you for allowing the people I love and have in my life, enter into our home and come to our BBQ’s and be treated like family.
      • Thank you for showing me the value in relationships and family and always making ours work.
      • Thank you for reading to me every night.
      • Thank you for bringing me into the world, laughing with me, crying with me and helping me become the person I am today.

      You once said, “the only thing a parent wants for a child is to see them happy”. That is all I want for you. I want to see you happy. When does it become a wash, when do we just shake hands and come to an agreement to JUST BE HAPPY? I deserve to be happy. No more or no less than the next person. As do you. Every single person on earth deserves to be happy, healthy, free and safe. The only way to do that is from the inside out.

      I’m doing it. Are you?

      I hope that today you can look back, reflect and let out a sigh of relief. I hope that today as people celebrate me and I celebrate you, that you celebrate all that you have accomplished with this human life that started 30 years ago.

      You brought to life a girl who makes the world a better place. A girl who feels the emotions of life and is ever changing and growing into a better person.

      You succeeded.

      Now, my wish, do what you’ve always dreamed of, whatever it is.

      This is your time and your life, I’m living mine too.

      I love you. I admire you and I am proud to have come from 100% Nebraska grown, smart, loving, supportive parents.

      Be still mama and dad.

      Look at the flowers starting to pop. Remember what leads you to tears, will bring you to grace. Your pain is never wasted.

      Smile into the sunshine.

      Every time you feel the sunshine, let it warm your heart and know that you are warming mine.

      When you see the moon, think of me and know that I am thinking of you too.

      With love,

      Your baby girl,

      Rachel Ann.

    • Happy, Healthy, Safe and Free 愛　

      私はレイちゃんです。

      私はひまわりが好きです 。

      Do you know I prefer to go by RayChan

      レイちゃん

      Instead of RachelSan

      レイチェルさん

      Sounds more like LayChan. Chan ちゃんhere is used for children. San さんis used for adults. Of course I prefer Chan. It’s only natural. I even got it on my new dentist card after insisting it was what I like to be called and convincing the staff to put it on 🙂

      Happy OCTOBER! 10 月

      OCTOBER?! What in the world. The past month has been adventure filled and fun packed. I’ve been to one Oktoberfest (in September…I’ll never understand that). I’ve been to the dentist 歯医者…three times and I’ve spent more than 24 hours in bed on several occasions. My friend, Pamela, and I went to 鳥取　Tottori, Japan. This has been on my to do list for the past few months. We got to swim in the Japan sea and see Sand Dunes in JAPAN! Thanks Pam-for helping me get out and about and check things off my list that I’ve been wanting to do. What I love most about our adventures, is the amount of time we spend laughing. Appreciate you.

      I rode my bicycle to Costco which was an hour+ ride. I did it mostly for the hotdog.

      A beautiful woman made her debut in Heaven and I’ve been keeping busy since.

      We had sports day, which I wrote about a YEAR AGO!! The entire school participates in an entire day filled with sports. It is an incredible sight to see. This year I understood what was happening, so it was more exciting, fun and meaningful than last year. Last year I couldn’t wrap my mind around what was happening it was so foreign and new to me.

      I spent a day walking around Kobe by myself. I went there to go shopping and didn’t buy a thing…not even a coffee or lunch.

      jr駅September 29th, I did an old rail road hike with some wonderful friends. My favorite days are the ones I get to spend finding bugs/creatures with friends and their children.

      I’m going to be traveling to my THIRD country in a few days!! Isn’t that something. 29 years old and just now going to the 2nd country outside of my own. Taipei, Taiwan! I’m excited.

      I’ve got a stomach bug right now which I am trying my best to pass before the flight on Thursday! It will be gone by tomorrow because I’m going to Taipei, WOOOHOOO.

      学校　I start a new school next week. Once again,

      I’m not afraid of where I’m going…I’m just sad about what I’m leaving.

      Every school here has become a special place in my heart. I’ve grown close with students and staff and it will be hard to leave. I hate leaving…But I love arriving.

      Life…生活

      It’s a weird one.

      I’ve fallen off the wagon a bit on taking care of myself. I’m going to get back on though and get back to it.

      10/16/2019 Back from Taiwan, my last day at my current school is tomorrow and I’ve had a battle with a stomach bug, Aleve and been thinking about my next (possibly last) 9 months in Japan.

      For starters, 5 days in Taiwan was enough me. I got to see some beautiful views, try new foods and explore a city (mostly by foot). We spent an entire day including the FOREVER LONG commute, in Jioufen. This is a famous destination location, mostly for people who have seen the movie Spirited Away, which I have not.

      I enjoyed walking through the alley’s and seeing the treasure shops. We got to the bus stop around 11:00am where several people were waiting. Bus 1062. Don’t think I’ll ever forget that number. We were all excited and ready for this great hour adventure to a beautiful and infamous place…

      The bus passed us. We laughed. As we generally do. 笑い　Then some foreigners from Shanghai who were doing the same thing as us…luckily let us tag along with them to the main bus stop. The line for the bus…I can only describe with time. It would have taken at least 3 hours to get on the bus and take a 2-hour ride with traffic. We split a cap with 4 other people and took a two-hour cab ride. I’m spending time writing about this because it was memorable for me and hilarious. I got car sick…the roads are bigger than Japan but the number of mopeds is NUTS. The amount of people that ride on one moped was a huge surprise for me. We decided to head home after a couple hours…we waited in line for a bus at least an hour…and proceeded on a three-hour journey back to town…

      My world is expanding. Everywhere I go I see and learn so many new things.

      Mopeds, wandering dogs and cats, people, smelly foods and treasures. The money took me a bit to figure out. I say that like I figured it out…I just multiplied the price by 3 to get an approximate amount of what the item would be in USD. Spending a 100-dollar bill there was like spending three US dollars. In Japan a one-dollar bill is like a 100-yen coin. The money is MUCH easier to convert in Japan.

      10/18/19

      Yesterday, I finished at my 3rd school. It was a hard one to leave for me. Each school I leave, I think…it can’t get harder than this. But each school…it gets harder.

      10/25/19 I have been at my new school for a week. Once again, students are brave. This school is much smaller than the other schools I have been at. There are about 34 students in each class. The schools before have always had 40 or so students.

      おやすみねさいThe past two nights I’ve been sleeping by 9:30. My new commute is about an hour door to door. I take the bus with high school students in the morning. By the time all the students get on, the bus is so full you almost don’t have to hold on.  The buses here are all MANUAL. I think that is the coolest.img_2345

      I have to start planning at least one trip a month. A trip where I go stay somewhere over night. Last year I started going somewhere each weekend. I hope to get back to that.

      誕生日おめでとう

      My brother turned 38 yesterday! Happy birthday Tom. I always say, I wonder why so many people “grow up” and I never did. When I say grow up…I mean grow old. People stop looking for bugs, wild animals, exploring nature, laughing at little things and appreciating the small stuff. I love that I never lost that. Yesterday I realized…you never lost that sparkle either. I don’t know how I never saw this similarity between us. We love armadillo hunting, looking for animals, buying bug spray and…you know…

      20170817_075037

      こどもIf a 6-10 year old would enjoy it…we would enjoy it too. I LOVE THIS. I love being like you. I’ve looked up to you since I can remember. You were my first hero. I love you TB. Happy birthday to you.

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      I’ve been teaching the art of hugs. Many people give hugs where they give your back a half ass pat…those hugs make me think of insincere actions. I know that is not what people mean by them but I have been showing people how I like to embrace.

      Embrace. 擁する

      I’m going to a Halloween party tonight. I sure miss the spark that Halloween carries with it. Most kids here haven’t been trick or treating. When I explain it to them and make the “ding dong” sound for the doorbell, we all giggle. Here the sound for a doorbell is “pin pon”. Love it!

      The Halloween party was SO FUN! I played games with children as young as 2 and up to university students. I am excited to join in on more of their games.

      img_2343

      Guess what? It’s now November 5, 2019. That means a few things.

      11月

      1. My best friends’ birthday is in 20 days and my other best friends/moms birthday is in a month and 21 days! 勇敢なThanksgiving and Christmas will come and go here in Japan, nearly unacknowledged with the preparation of new year’s, starting.cropped-img_7698-1.jpg
      2. I’m headed to Tokyo in a few weeks!
      3. A friend is coming to visit from America, next week!
      4. I made my first bag. It was about a half hour project. Took me 3+ hours. Hah.
      5. I tried puffer fish. Poisonous fish that you must have a permit to prepare because if it is prepared wrong, it is fatal. I will never try it again. It melts in your mouth. The only thing I want melting in my mouth is pralines and cream, ice cream.img_2454

      Ok, let me dig back in my calendar to see what I want to get down, so that I never forget.

      I stargazed in Sasayama. The stars never let me down.

      I made a new friend. 友だち

      I have watched three Storks basketball games this season!

      I watched the chorus contest for the second year. It was AMAZING. It blows my mind that students here learn how to sing and draw. I always wanted to feel the music. My mom was a music teacher and a flute player. She felt the music. I wanted to be like her but I just never felt the music other than the lyrics. I finally felt the music. 音楽

      I watched Yuko’s son play basketball. バスケットボール

      Sports day is next week. Wahoo!

      I’m going to get to Kyoto to see the fall leaves changing.

      冬　I got my winter clothing out. It was 55 degrees last night and it felt like FREEZING. When Spokane gets the first 55 degree day its like paradise. I guess I’m acclimated to Japan weather now.

      本　I’m about finished with the book The Power of your Subconscious Mind. I’m learning the power of our thoughts and how we are what we think.

      I always tell my students…if you think you can or can’t, you’re right. I think Henry Ford spoke the original quote. I spend a reasonable amount of time teaching this lesson to students…I knew it to be true but now I can see the extent of this truth.

      考える　I realized at some point…the things I think usually manifest into reality. I’m learning to use that to my advantage to help me improve my life.

      I’ve been thinking about what people are doing in life. If we are not making the world a better place…what exactly are we doing?

      If somebody is not contributing positively to our life…why include them in it?

      (Reading back through my blog…it’s interesting that I was thinking about this only in terms of people…you’ll see why).

      戦い

      I try my best to be good. A good person. Friend 友だち。Daughter娘. Sister 妹. I try to be better than the person I was yesterday.

      It is normal to be happy and healthy. It’s not normal to be sick and unstable.

      We come into this world for the most part, in perfect health, because that’s what is normal for a person and their body. Our bodies can heal themselves, but our thoughts get in the way of that.

      My hair is growing. I can’t believe that I consider it LONG now! Sometimes I mohawk it or do a little combover. HAH. I have to do something with it everyday now or it is just a floppy fuzz puff. I found a sparkle or two growing in. Thought I might as well keep them. Never to young to sport a strand of glitter.白髪

      Happy, healthy, beautiful, free.

      The only way to get out of darkness, is with light.

      To anyone in the darkest place of all.

      世話をする

      At what point did I start feeling sorry for you and start being afraid of you? At what point did I begin to see clearly? When was it exactly, that I knew I couldn’t heal your hurts with my love? With any amount of love…

      Nobody wants to be filled with hurt. Nobody wants to feel anger take over their body…

      I used to think…You choose to feed the monster within you…However, when you become so deep in addiction, you don’t make the choice to do the drug. It is like you locked yourself in jail and now you can’t figure out how to get out (how to stop). Of course, you don’t want to be there. But that “thing” is a part of your survival and you don’t just think it…you believe it.

      No one wants to be an addict. But sometimes you are and when you don’t want to be anymore…you get up off the ground and build your life back up. You look for resources. They are out there. You look for the key to the cell and you let yourself out. The key is right there, in your back pocket.

      Being in a dark place doesn’t make your self-worth go down. It doesn’t change others love for you even though maybe it should.

      At what point will you realize you are killing the people that love you.

      Why do people hurt those that are closest to them? Well I guess it’s because that’s the people that are still THERE. It’s the only people you really can hurt, those who have yet to leave.

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      Speaking of beating dark with light…

      I always wondered how I kept my “sparkle” …輝く

      You know, my joy for catching bugs, looking for wild creatures, bubbles, rainbows and laughing. I cannot believe I EVER wondered that. Sometimes when I’m asked my hobby…I say, if an 8-year-old would enjoy it, I enjoy it. 心の子供

      兄さん　My brother, who just turned 38…his wife got him a toy for his birthday. The package said 8+ years old. It was the perfect gift. When she sent me the picture of it, she said she got him what she would get any overgrown 10-year-old…or something of that sort. At that time, I realized, this is US!

      遺伝子

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      Maybe it’s a gene. My other brother, he is like that too. We love going outside after a rainfall and looking for worms, playing games together and laughing so hard at jokes that kids would laugh at.

      That’s what we do.

      I didn’t just keep my sparkle…it’s a trait that runs in the family. I think this is the greatest trait a person could ever have. You know there are good things that “run in the family” too.

      家族

      IMG_3306

      母と父　ありがとうございます

      I just finished a week of meditations about self-esteem. I thought about what factors contribute to a person’s self-esteem and what particularly have contributed to mine. You see, your self-esteem is almost solely created before you have the choice to make up your mind about yourself. The biggest benefactor is the people who raise you, for me, my parents. Not everyone has the same support that I had as a child…and those people have to work at changing their thought patterns and challenge the negative things that have been pounded into their head their entire life.

      I’m working on being present. It is easy for me to think about the future…and be filled with instant anxiety and worry.

      不安　The future is not happening now. Pull it together, this is NOW. Day by day.

      One of my favorite quotes that I’ve recently been reminded of is “Let go and let God”.

      手放す

      Let go. Let go. Let go. Sometimes the hardest thing and the best thing you can do are the same. At this point for me, the hardest thing and the right thing for me, is walking away. Removing myself from everything I’ve ever known and figuring out who I really am aside from a sister, daughter, friend, and Binger. The person that I will be when all else around me falls to an end. The person I will be when I’m standing alone. 一人で　The one thing I’ve never separated myself from before. The one thing I thought I’d never have to separate myself from.

      Setting fire to yesterday -Eminem

      NOVEMBER?! At that, the END of November?! Happy almost Thanksgiving.

      [I have to go back to this idea of addiction.] 開発する

      I thought alcoholism was something you were born with. You have it or you don’t. While that can be true, it isn’t always the case. Alcohol is addictive. The more you drink the more likely you are to become addicted. DUH. Why is that never talked about? Why do we learn about drugs and the danger of doing them, even once? ONE TIME. Why are we conditioned to fear illegal drugs…but if you choose not to drink, it means you are “recovering” or you are questioned about why you DON’T drink.

      酒

      I have friends that do not drink. When they tell me they don’t drink…my response has always been, “Wow, you are SMART”. I’ve always thought the choice not to drink is the best choice.

      download

      The past few years before Japan, I chose not to drink. I didn’t have the time to spend an entire day in bed the next day. I didn’t want to have to worry about how I would get home or where to leave my car. Most of all, if somebody needed me, somebody was drinking themselves, I wanted to be available to “save” them at any given moment.

      When I got to Japan…I had the time to spend in bed. I don’t have a vehicle to drive and in case of an emergency, there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m across the globe.

      I would call other people smart. I knew I could be smart like them…BUT going out on weekends and having a few drinks was fun for me. While I consider you smart for NOT drinking, I’d be ordering my next ビール.

      I don’t like the taste. I never have.

      I make stupid choices when drinking. You know why? Part of my brain SHUTS down. What in the hell.

      MCRR-1-116-1brain-735x394

      Why I drink:

      Alcohol loosens me up…

      The reality: The more I drink the less functional my brain becomes. The less brain function, the stupider the choices. Yep, I can do things I wouldn’t typically do because I’ve shut down the rational part of my brain. I wouldn’t typically do it because IT IS STUPID.

      If I wouldn’t usually do it, there is a reason for it. It’s probably not healthy or safe for me.

      I can be social:

      I can go out and be around people that I don’t know and I’ll never see again.

      Reality: I can be out for a few hours with people I don’t care about and will never see again…in exchange for an entire day in bed.

      4.0 1063 AL Alcohol and Body Effects Graphic_Female Preview

      Drinking makes me happy.

      Reality: Yeah, okay Rachel.

      You know what makes me happy? Kids. Armadillo hunting. A good cheeseburger. New experiences. Nature. Pralines and cream. Letters. Animals. Surprises and learning new things. Those are just a few things that make me genuinely happy. I wouldn’t even put drinking on my list of happies, EVER.

      As I’m learning about alcohol and what it does to your brain, it supports the reality of all the reasons I thought I was drinking.

      This Naked Mind- Annie Grace. If you want to control alcohol (instead of the other way around) or just be informed more…I highly suggest this. A friend suggested it to me. I think this may be the greatest gift you could give a friend. It is good knowledge to have. I don’t consider myself a person with a “problem”. I see how I went from alcohol free, to rarely drinking, to regular weekly drinking. I can see how my occasional drinking moved to more frequent binge drinking and how that could turn into a problem rather quickly.

      Things I have always known to be true:

      Alcohol is a dangerous monster. It ruins lives.

      Alcohol doesn’t make anything better.

      Alcohol takes more from me than it gives me. (Funny, if someone is not contributing to your life…why keep them in it…) If anything in life isn’t contributing good, Get. It. Out.

      Things I’ve learned: Alcohol isn’t talked about as a “drug”. It’s not in the same class as heroine or meth. But why isn’t it? It kills as many people. It devastates as many families if not more. I was reading some statistics from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism…Alcohol is the third leading PREVENTABLE cause of death in the United States. If you are reading this…you probably know somebody who alcohol has stolen from you. They might still be alive…but the person you know and love, that person isn’t. 88,000 people die a year from alcohol related deaths. Tobacco use and poor diet come before alcohol. In 2010, TWO THOUSAND TEN, a study was released by a group of scientists, that rated alcohol as the most harmful drug. More than 2x more harmful than cocaine or tobacco.

      怖い

      Do you know why I’ve never done cocaine? I’m too scared. But I wasn’t too scared to open my first beer.

      I should have been.

      Why isn’t beer illegal?

      I was never taught these things. I’m now looking for the research and the studies… and they are out there. The statistics aren’t out in the open for everyone to see. Not like the billboards in Montana that advertise the negative effects of meth and the lives it shatters.

      Alcohol is an addictive substance. No if and or but’s about it. If you drink for long enough…you will be addicted.

      Not everybody develops an addiction. The more you drink the more likely you will become addicted.

      Many people suffer from alcohol use disorders but the thought that this could be them hasn’t occurred to them.

      I am so proud of myself for never settling. For continuing to grow and find my happiness within myself. Settling would be staying in a relationship where I give more than the other. Anything in life where I am putting more time and energy into it than what I am getting in return.

      Why is it okay to have that relationship with alcohol? Why was it so easy for me to give alcohol my Friday nights in exchange for my entire Saturday?! Why could I give alcohol my clear decision making in exchange for regret and shame. Stupid. Just stupid. I gave alcohol too much and it has given me, literally, nothing. I have given to it and it has taken from me.

      成長

      Finished. Done. This is not to say that I’ll never have another drink. I’m taking some time to evaluate my relationship with alcohol and I am happy that I am. This also isn’t to say anything about somebody else’s drinking. I’m sharing where I am at in my life.

      秋

      I spent a day in Kyoto. It was wonderful. I found an artist that I love and I followed her to an art show the following weekend in Ashiya. I will go to one in Osaka in December. When I find things that I love…I really love them.

      She does wood burning. Mina_co is what she goes by! I have sent many gifts out that are her work. I have gotten myself some treasures from her too.

      img_2746img_2717img_2809

      11/13 BBQ dinner in Osaka 🙂

      11/16 I went to the cup of noodle museum! I got to make my own cup of noodles and later we took a class where we made our own NOODLES!!

      友だち

      img_2941

      池田

      When we got there, we got the cups-and we designed them 🙂

      After, we got to choose what we put in. (I ate mine last night and it was the BEST)

      It was a wonderful day.

      I met another new friend. Her name is the same as mine.

      趣味

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      レイチェルRachel taught me a new craft…resin. So…new hobby means new obsession. This craft might be the one I enjoy most. I’m excited to do more with it. It’s funny…Rachel and I have a lot in common. When we get to crafting, we craft hard and we love animals. So happy to have met you, my friend.

      It was really nice to have you girls here. I enjoyed laughing with you and getting to see new places. Most of all I enjoyed getting to know you more. Thank you for being you. ありがとう。

      新幹線　I head to Tokyo in 2 days! YAY for adventures with Ayano!

      This will be my first thanksgiving outside of the USA. Some very important birthdays have happened this month and are coming soon! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY NOVEMBER friends. Love you dearly. 愛

      I have to get a quick little plug out there to some people that I appreciate so very much in my life. Office staff. No matter what school I’ve been at…as a student or a teacher, I’ve always gotten along well with the office staff. I’ve created some of the greatest friendships in my life with the office staff. I’m so thankful for these wonderful people. At my new school…My friend made me these pressed flower cards to send out and a calendar for myself. I’m still adventuring with my friend from my previous school. AND I’m in contact with the wonderful women in Spokane too. The office staff…Love um, always. I appreciate your friendship and the job that you do. 秘書

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      A few last odds and ends of photos.

      楽しい enjoy 健康 health

      安全　safety 愛 love 幸運 fortune 運 luck

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      I’ve sent out a bulk amount of happy in the past week. As I was going through my address book I came across the names of friends who have moved, Liz who I have lost and relationships that have ended. Check your mail! I’ll be getting more out when I return from Tokyo.

      Spread Sparkle. Be kind. Give mean people grace, they need it most.

      Life changes, ready or not.

      Happy Healthy Free

      illie

       

    • Buzzed and Happy

      Buzzed and Happy

      It has been quite some time since my last post!
      Summer break has come to an end. In Japan, teachers have 5 days off for summer break. I was able to make it home and refill my heart tank…like gas tank. Looking back through my calendar where I try to take quick notes of what I do each day…I’m smiling as I go through my past two months. Recap:

      June: Dentist, dentist dentist.

      June 18th: My baby nephew, Jax, made his debut into the world. Awaiting the day we finally meet.

      June 22nd: Onsen with Sachiko and Moko, before Moko HEADED OFF TO COLLEGE IN CALIFORNIA!!!! They dressed me in Yukata and we walked the streets. It was a beautiful experience.

      June 30th, I went to Awaji island with a coworker. We stayed with her family, boy was it a treat. the food was great, the company was even better and the time I spent there was refreshing.  It was my first time FISHING! It was EXCELLENT! I caught more fish within a few hours than I have caught in my entire life!! You don’t have to have a finishing license here, so I’ll be going more often.

      While we were fishing, we saw a beautiful string ray gliding through the water. One of my biggest joys in life is to see creatures in their natural habitat.

      I made two quilts, to celebrate the birthday of some of my most valued friends here.

      I just started working on my next one.

      July: Fishing, Himeji, haircut, hospital, blood clot.

      I got a blood clot in my hand from having to be put under for some dental work. My mom has issues with blood clots and I was worried it was more of an issue than it was. Before telling me it was a blood clot, I had X-rays, ultra sound and an MRI all for about 100$. WOWZA.

      July 7th Tanabata-Star Festival. Had a FUN celebration with Spokane and Japan high school students.

      July 10: AM: On my way to school my friend was not outside. Most people would not refer to this man as a friend. You see every morning on my way to work I see an ojichan (grandpa) standing outside by the biggest, most beautiful morning glories I have ever seen. He is what I imagine is like your morning cup of coffee. You look forward to it and it makes a difference in the start of your day. I look forward to seeing him. This morning he was tucked back a little further than usual and my heart began to pound. I thought he wasnt there. We always smile and wave. Sometimes I say good morning in English and he returns it in Japanese and sometimes we switch. He brings me joy. He is special to me.

      Most would see a stranger, where I see a friend.

      I like that about me.

      img_7919

      PM: Went up Miya MT. [I think it was called] with my friend Yota. We saw flowers, frogs, TADPOLES, bugs, cats and a snake. We also spent some time earlier this month looking for fireflies. Never did see one.

      July 14th: Festival with a coworker, in Kyoto. This festival was called Gion Matsuri. This is said to date back to the 9th century and was organized to drive out the plague. The floats parade around the city!

      July 15th: Fishing, ocean front BBQ, water balloon fight and kite flying. One of the best days of my life. I saw an octopus IN THE SEA!

      July 16th I was talking on the phone with my mom. I was telling her that I wanted to shave my head. We debated back and forth about it. She asked why I wanted to shave my head (which many people have asked). My response was that I wanted to learn to love myself as I am. Most people don’t understand why I did it and that’s okay, it’s my head not yours 🙂 Anyways, my mom, said, you can love yourself with hair. She’s right. But this was something I needed to do.

      I sent my mom a picture the next day, of my shaved head. She said, “I knew after we talked that you were going to do it, I’d just told my friends at work”. HAH. She knows me well 🙂

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      I had plans with friends the day after I shaved my head. I for some reason thought people would not want to introduce me to their families, once I shaved my head. I asked my friend if she wanted me to wait until after I met her family, to shave my head…

      She asked if I wanted her to shave my head for me 🙂

      July 17th, I SHAVED MY HEAD!!!!

      The deed-I went in and asked a barber to buzz me up. He was weary of doing so but eventually did. I laughed the entire time and could not stop smiling.

      I thought after it was done, I was going to feel different.

      I thought it was going to be some huge life changing release…but I didn’t feel different. This made me realize that I do love myself…maybe shaving my head was more to see who in my life, loves the person I am inside.

      When I facetimed with my nephew he said, “you look like a boy”. Gotta love the honesty of a child.

      On my way home I made my daily stop at 7-11. As I parked my bike, I saw two students, whom I know well. One student smiled as big as I did (because it always makes us happy to see each other) and embraced me. Living in a place that lacks physical contact or any display of love, the fact that we hug shows the greatness of the relationship we have built. The other student stood her distance and just watched us talk. I could see the embarrassment across her face, I could feel it. A student that I knew, that I happily talked to each time we saw each other, couldn’t look at me…but I was still me…I’d be lying if I said that didn’t hurt my heart.

      However…

      I couldn’t believe at the age of 15, a student saw me, for me. It was inspiring and uplifting and heart changing. That is the kind of person I want to be. A person who sees every single person for who they are. I wrote this girl a letter and delivered it to her the next day in class. I expressed my gratitude and how I appreciated her, for seeing me, for me. I told her that the people need more of her, that she has the best heart of anyone I’ve met. I told her I hope to be a light for the world, like her. [Not only did she not waver when she saw me, even when her friend felt embarrassed of me, it made no difference. There is bravery and pureness in that.]  She wrote back the next day, “I’m glad to have a letter from you. I understand your letter. You are you, hair or no hair. You are my very good teacher. I am happy to meet you. You are special, I love you. You are a gift to the world.”

      This girl. My heart. It’s impossible for me to put into words the magic that she made so apparent, that is out there in children around the world.

      In Japan the reactions for shaving my head have been better than I thought. People are very accepting. In the USA however…I felt much different. I thought it was going to be the other way around.

      July 22, I went to a sunflower garden with my friend Ayano!!

      First of all, I adore this girl.

      2nd, OH MY GOODNESS. I’ve never seen something so beautiful. Afterwards we had dinner with her mom and dad. This family is one that I love dearly. I was yet again, nervous for these people to see me with no hair. Not only did they accept me, they treated me no differently.

      Shaving my head was to learn about myself, to love my self fully and completely…but I’m learning more about other people and the amount of love that is out there.

      July 25, I went to one of the most famous festivals in Osaka. Tenji Matsuri. The fireworks were amazing. They blow our fireworks out of the water.

      7/27 DADS BIRTHDAY!

      img_9170

      I went to Himeji with a coworker and her family. I adore her and I feel so honored when I get to go do new things, with families. We went to a fish factory and made food, stopped at a cat and dog picture museum and a dinosaur museum! By the end of the day the three children that were with us were showing their English skills. I love when anybody gets comfortable enough to start speaking a second language with me.

      July 29th a new ALT arrived who lives above me. What a treat it is to have a friend right above me. We have had great adventures already and I’m excited to see what the next year holds! I hope to get a lot of traveling in-majority of it in Japan.

      August: Suma beach, Spokane, BBQ time with my people and back to work. I spent two weeks at home in August. My mama got a hip replacement and is now doing much better!

      The day after I left, my brother/his family from Texas made it up to visit. My brothers are all home right now…I don’t think the who family has ever been together without me there. I hate missing out on Aunty time.

      August 14th: I got a tattoo during the day and in the evening was my Fill the happy bank BBQ get together. This is a tattoo I’ve known I wanted for a while. I have been carrying around 2 cards with me for years. One from my mom and one from my dad. In my school lunches and cards since I can remember my mom always wrote notes and drew pictures for me on my napkins. It was my favorite part of lunch. When I grew up, it was transferred to cards. The most frequent thing my mom tells me is, “You are my sunshine. I love you”. I got this in her handwriting, followed by mom and dad in their own handwriting. This is the stem of a sunflower. The sunflower tops it. We have always had sunflowers in our yard. They remind me of joy, happiness, hope and my parents.

      Afterwards I went to a BBQ at my friend Lauralee’s. She hosted a BBQ before I moved to Japan. I got to see many people that I’ve been missing and enjoy the company of so many people that I love. Thank you for that.

      August 15th: I got another tattoo. I have stick figures on my back. A girl and a boy. It was the first tattoo I got at the age of 18. I LOVE this tattoo. A few years later I knew I wanted a tattoo that said, “family is forever, Binger”. I didn’t want to have anything to do with the stick figures but I felt pressured and ended up getting it tattooed around my stick figures. You see, to me, kids are the simplest form of love. Pure, honest, happy, love. The real stuff. This is what my stick figures are to me. The writing around it was nice but it kind of changed the stick figures into something to do with family and that was not what it is to me.

      I went in to see if I could get the script fixed up. I thought, I have this for life I might as well get it fixed up. The writing was difficult to read…and unfixable…

      So, I asked the tattoo artist if he could cover it. I told him that I always wanted a swing set, rainbow, grass, flowers in the background of my stick figures. He told me what he had in mind and we went for it.

       August 26th, I said goodbye to my family and headed back to Japan.

      9/2 Back to school as of today!

      I am still exhausted. I’ve been back almost a week and I cannot seem to get my schedule back. I had no problem adjusting when I went to Spokane. I slept most the way. On the way back I slept all the way. I thought that would save me from jetlag…but turns out there is no saving from jetlag.

      On my flight home I spend a few short minutes awake. In that time I looked out the window and saw the most beautiful sea of white. The way the clouds were moving it reminded me of the ocean which in turn means it reminded me of love. The man behind me said to his wife, “You can’t see anything, it’s just white”. But I was just thinking…”I can see everything”.

      Where a man saw nothing, I could see everything. 

      Perspective-I’ll keep mine.

      A few things I want to share that I’ve realized the past few weeks. I’m reading the book How to Love-Thich Nhat Hanh. There was a page about being you. Going to give you my cliff notes from it. Be beautiful and be yourself. Accepting your body gives you the power to see your body as your HOME. You must accept yourself as you are. This is an important practice. As you practice this, building a home within yourself, your mind and body, you become more and more beautiful. This is part of the reason I shaved my head.

      The other part is so that others can see me.

      I’ve been able to see more clearly the past year since I moved to Japan. I’ve been setting boundaries and making good choices for myself. I have the clarity to see situations and people as they are and I want others to see me as I am.

      Last year when the school year started in Spokane, I remember crying. Last year at this time it made me more sad than happy when talking to my people at home. Sitting at the mall people watching, was when I felt the loneliest.

      Now, I call home when I have time. It’s not as frequently. It makes me happy to talk with my friends and family. I can sit at the mall and enjoy people watching. These are wins for me.

      This is proof of the growth that is occurring.

      Japan was a mandatory move for me. If I hadn’t had this opportunity, I don’t think I would have ever become the person I want to me [which of course I’ll work on forever, but this is a huge part of my story].

      Cheers to year two.

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      illie

    • Sad should never be wrapped

      Sad should never be wrapped

      Had I known how to save a life.

      I use to sing that song at the top of my lungs. I thought-wow this song is real. I’m sitting here now recalling the lyrics…I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life…but does that save a life? How many nights have you stayed awake to watch a person you love, sleep… Or been a partner in crime because being the right-hand man was better than feeling like not being anything at all. (I say “you” because it’s less alienating for me.) I’ve been trying to be a life jacket for people sinking, since I can remember.

      Do these people owe me anything? Absolutely NOT. Am I some super great person who saves lives? Nope. I am however, a human being who wants every person I encounter to know how abundantly loved they are.

      That’s the other difficult part of life. You hear in movies and on TV, you read it in books in motivational quotes…we cannot love someone else until we love ourselves. We cannot see the ever-flowing love that others have for us, until you care about ourselves. (I say “we” because it’s less alienating for you). I always say, [to people, friends, family, students] “You are loved”. I don’t often say, “I am loved”. I’m going to start saying that more.

      Before I moved to Japan my friend had a going away party for me, at her home. It felt like the first time in my life that people came together for me. Purely, for me. People came to love me. I still have a hard time with that. I think of it more as just people coming together, to share happiness. But that night as I looked around at the people who gathered, I felt and saw love.

      How do you help people who seem incapable of being happy? Are some people incapable of being happy?

      Anchors keep you in one place by weighing you down.

      When I get too involved in helping others, the anchor gets too heavy and we both start to sink. I’m not a life jacket. I’m a human.

      I’ve been pulled down, deep and one thing I’m not yet confident at is swimming back up alone.

      Many people like the anchor symbol in relation to family/life. I think I prefer a tree. Strongly rooted, morals and values run deep. But the outside and the surface level “stuff” changes with each day.

      People love trees. I love trees. I don’t love just one season of their beauty. I love their core. I think most people can agree on that.

      Trees are not expected to stay in bloom or keep their leaves, year-round. They lose their leaves and they are still perfectly strong and beautiful. Then, green begins to return and they are still unique and perfect.

      I taught a lesson about infinite worth to my students. I think I have written about this before, it’s a good enough experience to be shared again.

      My students were having a hard time respecting one another and just getting along. They were unable to make the right choices if I was not there to see it.

      I lined up with 5 adults from various life stages that worked at my school. Familiar faces to the children but they knew me best. 2 men and 3 women. Ages, 21-65. We each told my class about ourselves.

      Our accomplishments and our downfalls. What we considered to be the most important factors in life, that made us who we were, at the time.

      Then, I asked the students to line us up. Make a list beginning with who had the most worth. The person they thought was most important, to the least important.

      I had one student (that girl..wow) that said, this is not possible, it cannot be done.

      I forced her to do it.

      1. Mr _________
      2. Mr _________
      3. Mrs________
      4. ________
      5. Miss Binger

      Thinking back, I cannot remember if I was 4th or 5th. As the results came in and we lined up in the positions decided by 9 year old’s, I nearly dropped to my knees.

      I had spent 9 months with these children. These students I had been sharing my life with, my daily love and teachings, thought I was worth less than others.

      It didn’t matter where I was on the list. It was that so many kids had an easy time making this list. Students knew me best another woman BEST, and they thought the least of us, they thought we were less important than others.

      Through my tears I began to explain, every single person you meet in life has infinite worth. Every single person. That means that a college graduate is no better than a person who has/doesn’t have a GED. A person with children isn’t better than a person without. No body is better than another person.

      Like a tree.

      Trees are all different. Some I like more. Regardless, each tree has an unmeasurable amount of worth. A flower tree that is no longer blooming, a pine tree, a tree so small you could crush it on accident. There is an unimaginable amount of potential in every tree.

      There is an unimaginable amount of potential in every single person.

      Every single person has immeasurable worth.Infinite worth.

      This isn’t a moral I grew up with. It is one I am still learning. Once I heard the quote “every single person you ever meet has infinite worth” [Kent Hoffman] there was a shift in my heart.

      I would never judge a flower for any reason-I JUST LOVE FLOWERS.

      Why would I judge a person?

      I have never come to know a person that I didn’t like. The key words are come to know. Hearing the story of a person and their past is not a reason to judge them, it’s a gift of seeing how a person became who they are.

      5/27/19

      This morning I sat outside of my school on the stairs and cried. I sat here at my computer beforehand and I could feel it coming. There was no point in trying to delay the tears or fight them. It’s crazy. The people around me are busy and going on about there day I’m sitting here feeling half heart broken. [This too shall pass.] The last thing I want is someone to ask if I’m okay or what is wrong…but at the same time this is a new situation for me. Generally, I am a cry in private kind of person. Maybe even cry in the shower so I can’t differentiate between the water and tears. I am learning how to deal with feeling invisible. That is not something I would ever promote because my goal in life is to let all people know, “I see you”. However, it is important for me to realize that I will not always be seen and that is when I must rely on myself to be my greatest support. After all, I’m the only support that will always 100% of the time, be there. At this exact moment, I’m having a difficult time doing that.

      Last year, if I made it through the week without crying, it was a WIN. Now, here I am crying for that year and those children. Goodness, we had a tough year but boy, did we love fiercely and make the perfect family.

      I’ve been so happy to be here in Japan and learning how to be a better teacher and person that I haven’t felt what I’m feeling now.  I’ve been thinking about how 2 years in Japan isn’t long enough and how fast time goes.

      But maybe 2 years here is perfect. One year down and I’m crying for the children I was lucky enough to teach. This time of year is when my third grade family would really come together. I could see and feel the growth of those little humans and I would be so proud of how far we came, together. Academic growth but most importantly the growth of our hearts. Nothing made me happier than seeing a child help a friend up, give them knuckles for trying, or rebound the ball for a friend and let them try again. Here, I switch schools every six months. I have made some great relationships and come to know many students and I am grateful each opportunity here.

      To my past students: I miss you. You are a giant part of who I am and who I want to be. Thank you, for being you.

      5/31/19 summer is sneaking up.

      Students in Japan are out of school from July 20 until the End of August. Teachers have a FOUR DAY BREAK. FOUR DAYS. While students are on summer break I will have “office days”. These are days where I am in an office…by myself or potentially with another ALT.

      I am hoping to do two things this summer. See my new nephew in Texas and see my mom before/after her hip surgery. Those are two things that I NEED to do.

      Today is the last day of May. It is uncomfortable how fast time goes. June is a busy month. There are no days off school during June.

      I started eating healthy. I’d been doing that for about a week. I was eating non-processed food. [Mostly fish and veggies.] One night I decided not took cook and I had an adult beverage. The next day, I was dying. I think my body HATES pizza and adult beverages. I’ve never taken such time away from ANY food. I’ve always ate what I wanted to eat, when I want. When I woke up the next morning, my throat hurt, my lips were oddly, red and my body felt weak.

      Those things must be like poison to my body. I never knew though, because that is the way I have always eaten. Waking up with a headache, having a stomachache, feeling allergy like symptoms became my normal. Now, I must decide if food/adult beverages are worth an entire day of feeling physically, sick.

      I always joke that I figured out how to beat lactose intolerance. You just have to give your body so much of it that it becomes immune to lactose. I was eating a quart of ice cream a day. Eventually my stomach no longer hurt. When you can’t beat um, join um! Just do enough of it to where your body gets use to it.
      Just kidding. I did do that, but any health professional would say there is something the matter with me.

      I’m trying to stop taking Tylenol. I try to be preemptive with headaches and bite them before they consume me. 95% of days, I have a headache so I’ve adapted to taking Tylenol 100% of the days.

       

      6/3/19 Happy June.

      6/18/19 Oh my gosh. June is half way over.

      Where is time going? The past few weeks have been full of anxiety, tears and sleep-while trying to keep all the happies in clear sight.

      Last Friday, I went home and went to bed around 4pm. Not a nap, bed. I woke up the next morning around 8AM. I decided to get myself out of bed, even though staying in bed was clearly the easier choice.

      I rode by bicycle an hour to get to an Onsen. I was excited to relax and have some time to myself at a hotspring that was new to me. I walked in, proud of myself for biking there, locating it and doing it all by myself.

      Walked in and said “Onsen!” and the staff handed me the rules of the Onsen, in English. Wahoo.

      Half way through [skimming] I see no body paint…I was relieved…but then I read that statement closer. No body paint or tattoos allowed. I pointed to my “illie” tattoo and said, okay? The employee said no, sorry.

      I walked out, crying. I stood there crying for about 5 minutes-until the rain began to POUR. Not some light, no umbrella needed kind of rain. A kind of rain so hard that even cars were pulling over. My tears turned to a brief madness and before I knew it I was reminding myself to “dance in the rain”.

      My Brief madness was about being judged. Japan is very strict. Rules apply to every single person and nothing is ever situational. Sometime life requires you to hear a person’s story or situation in order to accommodate or help them to the best of your ability. Sometimes you must listen.

      I know that the rules are in place for a reason.

      I understand and respect that.

      It was a reminder to me that I appreciate compassion and empathy and a place where people are willing to look at the person in front of them.

      I had some dental work done about a week ago. It wasn’t as terrifying as I thought it would be, but it was still pretty stinking scary. I got the laughing gas for the first time in my life. I didn’t feel any more relaxed?

      I got some fillings removed and covered back up…until my appointment next week when I will get my princess crowns. The only crowns I’ll ever wear.

      6/25/19

      It’s the end of June. WHAT.

      Father’s day was last Sunday. Another day of the year that I adore. I try to celebrate my dad far more often than once a year-but I sent him some extra love VIA snail mail for father’s day. My dad has the hardest job of any person I have ever met. My parents’ job is never ending. There are no hours of rest or days without worries.

      Do you know all your parents want? Their greatest wish…

      It is to see their children happy.

      I have a whole lot of love for you dad. I have to reserve it for myself right now because my happy tank light is flashing, empty. For the record, I am happy. You and mom are the greatest team and I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am, without you.

      I’ve been missing home. I wanted to hug my mom and I have a friend who personally delivered her a hug within 24 hours of me asking. Terry, you have always been my Angel on Earth. I love you and appreciate all that you are. Thank you.

      A new Binger entered the ring on June 18th weighing in at a whole 8 pounds 4 ounces. Baby Jax is here. My newest/second nephew. This is my first summer not spending a month in Texas or with my first born nephew. Usually we spend a month dinking around, playing at the park and laughing together (until mom and dad get home, then he pretends he doesn’t know me).

      Last weekend I went to an Onsen with Sachiko and her family. Her daughter is heading to college in the states next week! We visited our last Onsen together…and they dressed me in Yukata!! It was a big happy for me. For all of us.

      We got burgers at one of our favorite places after. They restocked their stickers. I love their stickers…so I bought 30 of them…? As my dad would day “you went a little cooky didn’t you?” I sure did…and now I wish I would have bought more.

      I attended the Spokane/Nishinomiya sister city welcome party for students that are here from Spokane. I met Yuko there. We laughed, a ton.

      Afterwards we listened to live music and enjoyed an evening together. This, was a good day. Sunday, I watched students play volleyball. I love when I get the chance to see students play sports. I don’t remember a teacher ever coming to watch me play sports…but my dad was always there.

       

      Speaking of Angel’s on Earth…I lived next door to one most of my life. That woman, Liz, is so much more than a neighbor to me. My neighbor moved. Saying that sounds pitiful when I think of the situation. Liz wasn’t just my neighbor. She is a friend, grandmother, an open ear/shoulder, a support, a smile…and that’s just a few words to describe what she is to me. When I visit home I always make a visit to her. Now that she’s in a different state I’m going to have to find a little more time to squeeze in our porch visit…but I hope that I can. Love you Liz.

      I went back to finish my dental work yesterday.

      Guess who cracked the crowns during the fitting…

      This girl….

      I was just saying how I was starting to enjoy the dentist…I need to learn to just keep my mouth shut. Hah. Every man in my family has been trying to teach me that lesson for years.

      I must have cried for 3 hours yesterday. I felt bad that I cracked the crowns. I felt bad because my appointment was so long and I didn’t want to be in pain but I was. I was crying for so many reasons and the only way I got the tears to stop…was to walk. My friend Sachiko has spent HOURS with me at the dentist. Translating. She should be paid from both ends. Unfortunately, I couldn’t finish any of the work that needed to be done. I will go back and be put under to resume what was started. L

      My eyelids were swollen this morning and my head is still pounding. Nothing like a cry hangover to begin the day.

      Now that it is the end of June…I can tell you that nearly the entire month of June has kicked my butt. Looking back, it actually started in May.

       

      6/26

      Cried on the phone with my best friend yesterday.

      Got a package from my mama including hot tamales from my dad. Got a card from my sweet Kristy.

      I get sad that I can’t be at home to hug and cheer my parents up (be their sunshine). But my friend Sachiko said that the sun shines across the ocean and can still be felt even though I’m here. I loved that. But yesterday, I experienced that. My people in Spokane have been a big source of sunshine for me the past few days. Thank you for that. You have helped me and I feel your love. You have been a big part of getting out of bed in the morning.

      Tomorrow I get to celebrate YUCHAN’s BIRTHDAY!!!! In Japan, birthdays aren’t a big deal. I guess at home they really aren’t a huge deal either…

      But in Japan birthdays are almost nonexistent. I feel happysad to be celebrating people and making a big deal about their birthdays. Happy because I am glad I get to love/appreciate/celebrate them on their special day, but sad that I might be the first person to ever make a big deal about the day they were BORN.

      I think it is kind of exciting for my friends here. Excitement might not be the right word. But I think it is a new love that some are feeling for the first time.

      Birthdays of loved ones…the greatest holiday of the year.

       

      Some happies:

      Firefly hunting (looking)

      Seeing students playing in the river, shoes off, laughing

      Package from home

      Letters from friends

      7/3/19

      Happy July. At the end of this month I will have been in Japan for an entire year. I’m still trying to figure out where my heart and mind are at. Life doesn’t usually kick my butt like it is right now.

      I went to Awaji Island for the weekend and had an incredible time. I got to spend time with children which can heal anybody’s hurts.

      I’m trying to say yes to as many opportunities as I can. I will go to a few upcoming festivals and spend time with friends.

      The easy thing to do is go home and go to bed. Which I’ll admit…some days I do. But, I’m trying not to.

      Got put out for my dental work a few days ago. I remember it still hurting a little. I have one more appointment left and the work in that area of my mouth is finished. I’m pretty friendly with the staff at my dentist now. They have seen me laugh, cry, sleep…they know me well.

      I have yet to wrap this blog up because there is no good way to wrap up sad.

      July I am looking forward to the star festival, a trip to Kyoto, my dad’s birthday, an adventure with new friends and hopefully some time to reflect, grow, let go of anger, and find myself again.

      Also, I have shaved half of my head…. 😮

      Glad to be living where the sun always rises.

      illie.

      Come on Rachel. Let’s do this.

    • Because I have changed

      Because I have changed

      4/10/2019

      Entrance ceremony was today. If you have never heard of or seen an entrance ceremony, you need to google it. The gym is decorated and parents, students and staff welcome new students (1st graders). The band is playing, everybody claps for an extended period of time while the new class members walk in. There are flowers, music, clapping, and speeches to welcome the new students. I’ve never seen anything like it. The beginning and end of things are celebrated here-many ceremonies.

      I’ve been going to the river each day after work to admire the cherry blossoms. I can’t get enough of the beauty and happiness of a single cherry blossom. I always say that babies bring people together. I find magic in a variety of things but especially in babies.

      Children have the power to bring families together and put sparkle back in people that have lost it. There is joy, love and happiness that stems from the presence of children.

      In Japan I see this exact magic in cherry blossoms.

      There are people sitting below cherry blossoms in every direction. I hear laughter, camera shutters, cans opening and the running river. I see couples, families, friends and children all enjoying the company of one another. People are eating, drinking, playing games and people are genuinely, happy.  I even see people like me, enjoying the beauty by themselves.

      I feel magic. Sakura season brings people together.

      There are these poles that I imagine are to keep cars of walking paths. They are about three feet tall. I have nearly walked into them while I’m looking up at the flower trees. (My dad has experience with these…I learned from his mistake.)

      I’m headed to Wakayama this weekend. I’m excited to go back.

      I went to Yuasa, Wakayama all of Saturday, stayed the night and headed home early on Sunday. Check out was at 10:00 AM and I started to feel an intense sick feeling around 9. I walked the beach in hopes that fresh air, crystals and shells would help whatever this feeling was, pass. I also wasn’t going to miss out on one last beach comb, even if I did feel miserable.

      The train I planned on taking home was cancelled. HAH. Of course it was. My two hour journey…took six hours. At one point I was suppose to switch trains. I missed that opportunity and took an hour detour. Oops.

      4/23/19

      Next week is a holiday in Japan. Golden week. I heard before moving here how big of a deal golden week is. However, this year it is extra special. For the first time in 50 some years there will be 10 days off in a row! You know what that means.

      Father will be here.

       

      5/10/19

      Hard to believe that Golden Week has already come and gone. I’ve been back at work for an entire week.

      5/13/19

      Quick flashback of April.

      Cherry blossoms.

      School party.

      Nishinomiya Storks basketball game.

      Old Spaghetti factory

      chipped tooth

      Chichi arrived

      Treasure stores

      Tigers game

      May:

      Osaka Aquarium

      Nishinomiya Marina Celebration-new Emporer

      Beach days at Suma

      Shell collecting and crab hunting

      Dentist x2

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      Little China Town

      Nishinomiya beach-Kite flying and crab hunting

      This day-my dad used his famous reverse psychology. “You can’t ride your bike through the sand.”

      Tell me I can’t and I’ll show you I can.

      Which I did…until the sand got too deep and I had this terrible, horrible, slow motion fall, into the sand. I was laughing too hard to get up and my bike was on top of me. My dad was watching from afar. After being on the ground laughing for a few minutes, a woman came and pulled my bike off of me. I was laughing from embarrassment and because falling off your bike is always funny, as long as you are okay. Then a group of children came and asked me if I was okay.

      Children’s day

      Dad left

      I go to a Special Education school once a month. The teachers are some of the best I have ever seen. The way they care for the students and know each one is inspiring.

       

      All sorts of new things at Mikura, in Kobe. I went to this amazing restaurant with my friend, Ayano. [When my bag didn’t make it to Japan, Ayano was the one who helped me at the airport-that is when our friendship began.] We went to her parents restaurant where I tried food I never thought I’d EVER eat.

      I started by trying those tiny little [whole] squids and the fish with the skin. There was clam, squid, octopus, tuna and many more finely prepared fish. It was displayed beautifully and prepared by Ayano’s family. Her parents are the owners of this fabulous place. The tempura was the best I have ever had. Maybe, the best food I have ever had.

      When I experience new things like this-I feel like a child. I am surprised and in awe. My facial expressions and the sounds I make, are a show for people to watch. Which I don’t mind…I love when I see a children experiencing something for the first time. I’d enjoy watching me too, where the same joy, surprise and happiness that is displayed by a five year old can be observed in a 29 year old who is just seeing a new world, for the first time.

      Sei Tai-massage, muscle stretching, chiropractic work. AMAZING.

      Out and about. Met new friends and a furry one 🙂

      And this brings us to present day. Mother’s Day in the USA.

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      I know many wonderful mothers. Grandmothers who are mothers for the second time ‘round. People who care for children that may not call them, mom. I celebrate many people today, but most of all, my own Mama.

      Mom’s are so busy with life and children that it seems like it would be easy to forget:

      you have a little human who wants to be just like you.

      I remember having the thought when I was younger-how can we all call an amazing, caring, loving, woman by the same name?  How can every single mother, be called mom?? How can I call my mom by the same name everybody else uses for their mom?!

      I thought that each mom should have a name that is special to her, because each mom is special.

      But it isn’t the name that is special. It is the woman behind the name.

      Some people don’t associate the word mom with love, sunshine, happiness, flowers, support, animals, and joy-like I do. When I say I want to be a mother-I don’t mean I simply want a child.

      I want to be that deep rooted starshine for a child. I want to be my mom, for my own. My mom brings sunshine to not only my life, but all who know her. I have the pleasure of saying, “I’m just like my mom, we love everything and anything makes us happy”. I can only hope that one day I have a child who loves me as much as I love my mama. My mom would read to me until I fell asleep. She would get me my favorite popsicles when I was sick. When I need to know how to cook chicken [or anything] I still call her. When I don’t know what to eat for dinner, I call my mom and she decides.

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      We laugh. My mom refills my heart. I miss you mama and I wait for your time in Japan.

      Happy Mother’s Day, Mama.

      I’m missing my favorite time of year in Spokane. I love when the grass is greener than ever and all that was sleeping during the cold is coming back to life. I’m already dripping sweat here.

      I have a daily battle with my hair. I like to have it up high so it’s off my neck-but when it is up high I can’t wear my ball cap. [Therefore, they made visors.] However, I have not yet brought myself to get one. I guess I’ll do that this week. The thought of shaving my head has also crossed my mind a dozen times, but I’m too scared to just do it.

       

      I’ve began to experience a different kind of joy, love and life that is new to me.

      The more I love life and myself, the more life loves me back.

      My thoughts shape my days. I’ve always been a positive person, maybe more so on the outside. Now I radiate happy because I’m positive on the inside. I guess my way of thinking has changed which is changing me.

      This reminds me. My dad’s first visit here, we were talking with somebody about my first month here. I was explaining how people never smiled at me or said hello. They told me, “just wait, in a few months everybody will be saying hello and talking to you”. I thought…Hmmh, maybe they just have to see me around the neighborhood enough and be comfortable with me before the conversations begin.

      9 months later, I don’t go out the door without seeing a student or saying hello to somebody. I told my dad this and he saw it when he was here. We thought of what the man had said about everybody saying hello in a few months.

      My dad said something along the lines of,

      “I don’t think it’s because the people here changed, I think it’s because you changed”

      Holy goodness. How powerful is that?

      Because I’ve changed.

      Yesterday, I went to my favorite Ramen Shop. Really just my favorite place in Japan. There was one seat open, in between two strangers. 10 months ago, I would have left. Yesterday, I squeezed right up in there without hesitating.

      As I sat there, I thought…this is where it all began.

      My first day in Japan. Rai Rai Tei is where it all started.

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      My change.

      My love for Shirohige and Onepiece.

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      My appreciation for unspoken communications.

      My love for Japan and myself.

      Yesterday when I sat down, the employee pointed to what I always get and I said, “yes”. This is the majority of our communication. Yet, I love these people, the restaurant and I am comfortable here. We have never communicated in one another’s language, but we communicate. I look forward to seeing the staff and I feel welcome. I enjoy everything about this place and I go at least once a week. This is a special place for me. This new happiness, it began, there.

      There are so many point cards used in Japan. I am a proud card holder for two craft stores and a mall.

      The super nintendo is different for foreigners. The one they use here looks different.

      Mother’s Day is not as big of a deal as it is in the USA.

      Students are having a trial week. They are all out at different jobs, seeing what it is like for a week, in a work place!!

      I am going to be helping some elementary students learn English a few times a month.

      For the amount of time I have spent studying Japanese, you would expect me to be fluent. I’m uh…beginner level. Japanese is DIFFICULT.

      I use a calendar now.

      I’ve stayed up a few times until the sun comes up-who knew I was such a youngster still. I didn’t know I had that in me.

      I stopped using my heat about a month ago. I started leaving my windows open…Now I think it is going to stay cooler if I keep everything shut!

      Students here have 220 days of school, compared to our 180.

      Students have club activity on weekends, which means teachers do too. One day off a week (maybe) for most teachers.

      When I get home, I take my shoes off without thinking about it.

      Chopsticks are easier to use for some foods-like noodles.

      Most students are seeing green eyes for the first time, when they see mine. My skin is finally starting to clear!! YAY!

      img_6978

      I’m in need of some new shorts now that summer is arriving. Even in the USA I hate shopping for shorts/janes. Finding a good fit is rare. Here, I have not had the energy to look, yet. However, the rising temperatures will force me to, soon.

      img_6765img_6762img_5936img_5931img_67177b0d8460-fed3-4cff-b5bd-3e8bff018743img_6686img_6664

      illie

       

    • Memories in the making

      3/12/19img_5187.png

      These are some quotes I have come across, that made me feel something.

      Hugging is the most beautiful form of communication that allows the other person to know beyond a doubt that they matter.

      It is hard for me to understand why people don’t hug here. To hug once a day would improve the mind, body, and soul.

      If you want something you’ve never had, then you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.

      The only person you should be better than, is the person you were yesterday.

      When you are counting the blessings and beautiful things in your life, don’t forget to count yourself.

      It’s ok. You just forgot who you are. Welcome back.

      Feel.

      img_5011
      feel.

      I feel everything. I always have. I’ve encountered situations in my life where I thought it would be easier to feel nothing instead of uncomfortable pain.  It would be easier. 

      Something I begin teaching children at the young age of 8 is:

      Don’t take the easy way out.

      When you begin taking the easy way out, it becomes a habit. The easy way out has a wide range of meanings. It could mean: Sleeping in for 30 extra minutes [instead of going for that run you SWORE you would go on]. Drinking coffee [instead of the water bottle on your desk you’ve been staring at all day]. Not drinking liquid/water [because you hate having to go to the bathroom frequently]. Saying no to new things. Not trying. Putting the pencil down when learning is difficult. Walking up the hill because the burn from riding is just too much.

      At some points in my life, I enjoyed the easy route. It was never the path designed or designated for me…but I chose it. Last week I’ve taken the easy way out in each example I gave…However, today, I have only had water. I did sleep in an extra 15 minutes [instead of 30] this morning but I WILL make up for that this evening. [For the record…I didn’t make up for it. I took a nap and then when to bed].  The easy way out for me, is keeping to myself, eating cheeseburgers and ingesting caffeine. Unfortunately, the easy way out often brings instant gratification as well as short-term happiness. The easy way out is a form of distraction, keeping us from successfully DOING what we want to DO.

      I feel, deeply.

      I love largely.

      3/13/19

      After work I laid down for a quick recharge. What was supposed to be a thirty-minute nap turned into a 2 hour sleep. When I woke up, I was frazzled. My wall clock said 7:45. That meant I had 15 minutes to get dressed and out the door for work. [I don’t know why I was worried…Most days I’m out the door within 20 minutes of waking up.] I had to double-check the time by looking at my watch. I then had a 3rd and 4th confirmation by looking at my phone twice. I couldn’t figure out how long I slept for, I think that is why I panicked. Was I sleeping for 12 hours, a whole day, a week?! Once logic kicked in I wondered why it was dark out and why I was still wearing my clothes that I wore to work…

      It was 7:45 pm,  SUCH a special treat. I like to think this only happens when you are having the greatest nap of your life which explains why this hasn’t happened to me in YEARS. Got up, ate [duh] and went back to bed. Today is Wednesday and I am finally feeling well rested from the weekend. My friend has a house in Sasayama. We went out there in search of wild animals. I saw 0 but the company was great so no disappointment.

      We went to an onsen which has got to be one of my favorite Japan activities. Onsens are Japanese hot springs. The experience is similar to a public bath but the onsens have indoor bathing and outdoor. Onsens use natural hot water from geothermally heated springs and this is what makes them different from public baths which are heated tap water.

      About 50 % of onsens have banned bathers with tattoos. This was done to keep gang members out. Some people are granted entrance with tattoos, if tattoos are covered. I have not been to an Onsen yet that is tattoo-friendly but I hope to visit one sometime. My goal is to visit as many onsens as I can while I am in Japan.

      The experience of an onsen is an interesting one. This wouldn’t be my usual goal, comfort zone, or enjoyment. When you go to an onsen you get a locker. Here, you undress [completely]. You then wash your body/hair before getting into a small pool sized hot spring. During this time there are a number of people doing the exact same thing you are. When I walk in, the nakedness startles me but before I know it I’m walking around in my birthday suit too.

      I don’t know that I would do this in the USA. People would be staring, comparing and judging. I don’t know that I would want to go do this activity with my friends at home either.

      Here, it is a normal and enjoyable activity. It’s not strange to be walking around naked or sharing a space with naked strangers. I’ve been to hot springs in Idaho…but everyone wore their swimsuits in it. I appreciate the tradition behind onsens and the rich experiences I have at them.

      I’ve decided that I will go to Kyoto for the weekend. I’m ecstatic. I am going to stay in a hostel. I’m going to be staying in a place other than my own, by myself, for the first time. I’m trying to fulfill my needs of adventure, exploration and personal growth.

      03/18/2019

      I left Friday after school for Kyoto. What should have been an hour and a half commute ended up being about a three-and-a-half-hour commute. I got on 2 wrong trains. Learning experience. I checked in at the hostel Friday night and walked around town. Saturday, I went to my first world heritage site, Nijo Castle. I made a round at Nishiki Market, went in a hedgehog café and ended up walking in total about 15 miles.

      Sunday was similar walking wise. I spent hours at the Kyoto City Zoo. It was raining so their were few people wandering around and I was happy to be seeing the animals so the rain didn’t bother me.

      This was my first time staying in a hostel. Imaya hostel in Kyoto was superb. The most important feature of any place for me is that I feel safe. I felt safe the entire time and I was comfortable. This was probably some of the best sleep I’ve gotten while in Japan and I was in a cubicle like space in the bottom “shelf”. I LOVED it. Now that I have made it out for a weekend adventure by myself, I am excited for my next. This might be an every weekend type of activity…once I return from seeing my mama. Shortly after my mama got out of the hospital for blood clots, she was in a car accident. WHAT IN THE WORLD. After hearing that I decided it was necessary to go home and hug my mama. Cherry blossom season is coming in beautifully. I hope to not miss the peak of the season when I am visiting home.

      I have 2 days left at the junior high I am at. Two days with some of the most wonderful humans I have come to know in Japan. The students (are too old to call kids but too young to call friends) are so special to me. I want to be a high school teacher eventually, but junior high is a special time. I wonder how it compares with USA middle school. I said goodbye to staff and students today in an assembly. Students gave me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers that I have ever received!

      Students who I have seen out and about or even at school that I have taken photos with are printing them and putting them on cards. They are the most thoughtful and lovely gifts that I will cherish forever. I love my job. I was crossing my fingers that I wouldn’t cry when I finish up here. Now, I’m wondering why I thought of it as a negative thing. I may or may not cry. If I do though, it is because the people I have met and the place I have been have a place in my heart. Crying is not a weakness.

      4/1/19

      I have been back in Japan for less that 24 hours. I spent a loving 9 days in Spokane with my family and friends. I slept with the dogs, stayed up all hours of the night with my mom and putted around town to see as many friends as I could. Now I understand why my brother never wanted to tell people when he would be in town…there isn’t enough time to see everyone that you want to. My last day at school before I headed to the USA, I attempted to sneak out without having to say goodbye. A few friends caught me, forcing me to say, see you soon.

      The reason I was able to go home is because my brother works for United Airlines. Due to the cost and time off that I have to take, I wouldn’t be able to afford it if I was paying full price. On my way home, I was planning to take a detour to Texas, for a day. I should have known that the flights would be full the day of my arrival. Flying standby has been a Rosethorn. I’ve spent an unimaginable time in the San Francisco Airport. I’ve even spent nights there. I got home just in time to snuggle the dogs while the three of us fell asleep.

      My first stop after seeing my family, was to the school that I teach at. I spent 2 days of my 9 there. I could have spent more.

      That place is where a job became my life, a staff became my family, and students became my children.

      I got to see some of my children and remind them of how loved they are.

      I was able to be home for the last day of TAG. Four years ago, I got lucky enough to join 4 friends who play grown up tag every March. This game of tag keeps the five of us connected even though we are all now at different schools and different stages in life. Each year the game gets more intense. Throughout the month of March, the person who is it is recognized by the lanyard they have, with a duck on it. When tagging a person, you must pass the lanyard off to the next person. Whoever is it on the last day, is “IT” for the rest of the year.

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      If you know me, you know I LOVE BIRTHDAYS. Birthdays are the best holidays. I especially love my birthday. I don’t often hear people say they enjoy their own birthdays. It seems like it is kind of selfish to say, but why wouldn’t you love your own special day?! I spent my birthday with my family and concluding this years game of tag. I usually send my mama flowers on my birthday. I think my birthday is a special day for my mama. I mean it is the day she gave birth…the day she brought me into this world. Shortly after my birthday I departed for Japan. This was the first time that I cried when leaving home.

      I’ve been back in Japan a week and haven’t slowed down a bit (minus the night I laid down for a nap at 5pm and woke up the next day at 5am). I’ve been moving furniture and cleaning up the last remains of winter and the mold brought by the humidity.

      I put my winter clothes away and got out my summer clothes. People here are still wearing jackets and I’m down to short sleeves and jeans! This is the most wonderful time of the year.

      It is Sakura season right now. Sakura=Cherry blossoms.

      I adventured to Nara and stayed in a hostel for a night.

      I went to a restaurant where I was having dinner (alone). When I attempted to pay the man told me that the men who walked out before me, paid my tab. This random act of kindness made me HAPPY. I tried to catch the men to thank them, but when I got outside they were gone. I do things like this at home. I guess I haven’t done it here because of the language barrier. When going out with friends or eating dinner people generally pay separately and only pay for their meal. That is what made this so surprising.  Happy Happy. The next day I stopped at a ramen shop for lunch. As I sat at the counter, in between two strangers, I couldn’t help but smile.

      I am happy to just be me.

      I am happy to go out to a ramen shop alone and eat a delicious meal next to strangers. I enjoy walking around new cities by myself maybe even more so than with the company of others. I’m loving the time I spend with myself. A year ago, I would have told you that I hate to be alone and I hate spending time with myself. Heck, 6 months ago I probably would have told you that. Up until this point in my life, I avoided spending time with myself. I didn’t like myself enough to be my only company for hours YET days on end. I am proud of myself. I don’t think that thought has ever crossed my mind before now.

      When I got back to Nishinomiya, my bike had a flat tire. I needed to get a valve cap for my tire. I went to a bike shop and the man fixed it and said no charge! It has been a feel good week.

      4/8/2019

      Yesterday, I went with my friend Yuko to admire the cherry blossoms around Shukugawa. It was AMAZING. The river banks and walkways were covered with picnickers. It was heartwarming to see how the cherry blossoms in bloom bring people together.

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      Today is my first day at my new school. The first day back to school for students and the start of a new school year. The new teachers were introduced at the opening ceremony and we each had a short speech. Guess what? I have a pant suit on. I don’t despise it like I thought I would.

      The things I once thought were outrageous and surprising about Japan I no longer notice. (No trash cans and yards. All the bicycles and bike parking.) I’m starting to feel less like a foreigner and more like a person who lives in Japan 🙂

      [I put XO on the chalk board here. A students said, X, zero? I love sharing things like this…language that I never would have thought was unknown. ]

      Until next time,

      illie