Just be

Tag: livingoutmydream

  • PNW raised, Japan saved

    PNW raised, Japan saved

    HAPPY JUNE!!

    May 1, 2020 (I’m currently finishing up this blog and it is now June 9th…this blog is events from the past five months.)

    Hey you! Stop, collaborate and listen…I’m getting older so if you don’t finish that line-just consider it a generation gap. ICE IS BACK WITH MY BRAND NEW INVENTION.

    Happy, healthy, free, beautiful and safe. This has been the words I’ve repeated everyday for at least two months. Sometimes hundreds of times a day. When I began…I knew these words all hold a place deep in my bones and now I feel them.

    Find what you need and bring them to your life. 

    A year ago my dad was here.

    Right now Japan isn’t allowing flights inbound.

    I’ve been away from home for my longest stent yet with no future plans of returning. I’m starting to clean up and pack for my next adventure.

    My next adventure. Wow.

    My trip to Thailand was cancelled-because of the virus. School has been cancelled for a month and will be postponed for another month. At home, school has been cancelled for the rest of the year.

    The world is in a strange place. I hope you are staying healthy.

    For my 30th birthday I spent the day with a few friends. We ate lunch at my favorite burger shop and had cake. Relaxing way to enter my 30s.

    Not too much has happened in the past month. I’ve spent days at a time at home alone. I’ve had limited social interactions which I guess I was already use to, having been in Japan for a year and a half.

    It better prepared me for this pandemic. I have limited social interactions and many of the interactions I have daily require a mass amount of energy. On top of the energy it requires to do simple things, much of the message is lost in translation.

    That is something I miss. I miss the easiness of relationships. I miss the communication that is understood through verbal and non-verbal communication.

    My fears have evolved so much in the past two years. I use to be afraid of anything and everything. My friends, I’d have them WATCH me walk to my car at night. I’d have my mom wait up for me if I was going to come home late. I never slept with my windows open because that is terrifying. Pull up to a stoplight, make sure the doors are locked. Headphones in when walking, no way. I use to hear sounds at night and it would scare me so badly I would stay up ALL NIGHT because sleeping when you are that scared is out of the question.

    I’m in a completely different place in life, literally and figuratively. My anxiety and depression are at bay and manageable. I do have days where I do breakdown but I consider that a normal part of life-not linked to my depression and anxiety. My fears have evolved because my anxiety is manageable and I no longer worry about the things that use to hurt me. I’m coming to terms with the fact that it was never other people/things/events that hurt me. It was me, hurting ME. Figuring that out felt like a pounds of pressure off my chest. I can breathe easier.

    The only person I can control is myself. I cannot control others. What someone else does is no reflection on me or who I am. Geographically moving doesn’t fix depression/anxiety but it has helped me manage mine. Sometimes all you need is boundaries and the way you acquire them varies. My boundaries and freedom came from moving out of the country. My freedom and safety came from digging deep within. I still have a lot to unpack and to tell you the truth I’m scared to do it. I have memories and years I cannot remember. I know they are in me somewhere and there’s a reason I can’t remember. When I’m ready, I’ll start digging.

    6/1/2020

    I stopped writing a month ago because thinking about unpacking the past put me into a frenzy. It made me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I’m not in the headspace to do this, yet. So for now-I’ll document the things I have been in the headspace to do!

    February:

    23rd: Osaka aquarium

     

    24th: pole dancing show

    March

    7: Got out of the house and went to a singles event to meet new people.

    8: Went to a friends house to meet her bunny and prairie dogs! Prairie dogs, as pets!

    Started sewing at school because students were no longer coming. Listened to hours of 48 hours podcasts, made bags, pencil cases and blankets.

    Went to an old students house to meet her family and have lunch.

    MORE sewing

    Hair became long enough for pig tails

    Trip to Thailand cancelled

    Last days at my most recent school and the last day at a school I’ve gone to once a month for the past year and a half. Cried on the way out of both.

    April

    Mom’s trip to Japan, cancelled

    End of March/beginning of April…wrote and sent out about 50-100 happies to friends all over America. They have yet to receive them…

    Chipped my front tooth. Again.

    Made an address book.

    Sakura season

     

    New school

    May:

    Work from home days because of COVID19.

    More sewing

    Set some savings goal so I can buy a little Suzuki motorcycle during my next adventure.

    Found out that my kid is actually a girl, after naming her, BOY (Otokonoko).

    Mother’s Day-love you mom.

    Beach days

    2 full days sitting with my sadness and letting it out

    More beach days

    Began packing

    Hikes with friends

    Last week I began running.

    Chipped my front tooth again-dental work

    Some weird mystery infection.

    Immigrations office

          That brings us here, to June. I’m still waiting for a refund for my trip to Thailand. Hoping to squeeze it in at some point.

    Hoping mom will be able to come visit sooner rather than later.

    School started back up today. Half the students come in the AM and the other half in the PM. That way students are distanced and we can sanitize between groups. Students have 4 classes that are each a half hour. I’ll begin classes tomorrow. I CAN’T WAIT.

    I’ve finalized my plans for moving. I’ve hired a moving company and began packing. HappySad.

    I’m ready to be back in the classroom full time. I’m anxious, excited and full of hope and energy thinking forward.

    As usual, leaving will be hard. It always is.

    Getting close to people is hard. I didn’t use to think that. It has always been easy but I have never been the person leaving until now.

    Sometimes while I’m riding my bike and I see something like…kids napping while riding on the front or back of a bicycle…I think, what a different life it is here. NO SKUNKS. People rarely get stung by bee’s. I love finding out these silly little things. JOY.

    When I moved here everything was new and now its all normal. Bicycles riding everywhere, no pattern to the foot/bike traffic. No garbage cans in public places, the normality of drinking, being completely covered in summer not letting skin show, the cost of fruit and the amount of people on trains. Things that once blew my mind I can go through a day and not notice anymore.

    I’m excited for my next journey. For all the newness and freshness. The excitement that comes with new experiences, new relationships and new challenges.
    I’ll have a heck of a time leaving Nishinomiya. I appreciate the sadness and difficulty though, because where the pain exists, love exists.

    This is the place where I started to become the person I want to be. This is the place that saved a girl who didn’t know she needed saving.

    The world is in a sad place right now. Keep being light

    Shout out to BLMkansai. We went this weekend to support the movement and it was incredible. I am happy to be apart of something so great. It was well organized and carried out smoothly. Way to go Kansai and the organziers. 

       

      Until next time.

      illie

      Rachel

    • Beverly Hills, 90210

      Beverly Hills, 90210

      Time…the only thing that never stops.

      A flyer was hanging in the staff room where I was teaching third grade. That was 2.5 years ago when I applied to be an ALT in Japan. The first year, I did not get the job. I was devastated. January came around, 2018 and I thought…I’m going to try one more time. I applied and interviewed for the same position. February 4th of last year I received the call that I was chosen for this job. 13 months ago (almost to the day) the excitement began.

      [13 months later-current day 日本]

      People don’t say “Happy Valentine’s Day” here. My dad and I went out for sushi. It was his first time EVER having sushi…he loved it. I couldn’t figure out how to order what I wanted. I asked for help (which I would have never done before) so I know I’m getting braver. Much like Christmas, Valentine’s day felt like just a regular day here. I always liked Valentine’s day-not because it’s all about romantic love but because it is about spreading love. I celebrate Valentine’s day with my students in America. We all make Valentine’s for each other.

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      I remember being a kid, excited to pick out a special Valentine for each person. In the Valentine boxes you would get a few Valentines that were clearly messages for the person you found cute, the teacher and your best friend. I wonder if I was the only person who put special thought into who got what Valentine-at such a young age?

      My dad has already been gone 2 (almost 3) weeks.  I had an incredible time. I enjoy when he is here because it forces me to get out and explore. Sometimes, I prefer sleeping all day and not changing out of my pajamas. I hate to do that when I am in Japan…when my dad is here I know there will never be a day spent at home in pajamas. I like that.

       

      We spent at least one week trying to find a place we had been…a crazy busy place with lights, people, shops and barely enough space to cross the road comfortably. After going to Osaka for the 3rd time trying to find this exact street…I remembered we had to take a subway to get to this secret location. Okay, it’s not a secret. It is Namba. A place more packed than I have ever been. This ended up being a BIG day for us. Maybe too big…We were out and biking or walking for at least 12 hours and by the time we got we were BEAT, hurting and unable to move. The next day my dad departed and it took him nearly 24 hours to get back home. Me, I went to bed at 7pm.

       

      I’m trying to find the motivation myself, to get out and explore on weekends even without somebody here to explore with. I hate the feeling like I am wasting time and missing out on new experiences when I stay home for an entire weekend. This weekend I NEEDED to stay home to have a leak fixed in my apartment. Sunday, I did get out and go spend a day at the zoo. I had that happysad feeling while I was there.

       

      That has never been a feeling I get at the zoo but I have never been to the zoo alone. I spent a lot of time watching each of my favorite animals. Some seemed happy as ever and others seemed lonely. I saw emotions in animals that I feel myself.

       

      Animals are too good for people, but we need animals. I have loved animals since I was a young child. I’m thinking about my dogs right now. Dogs are the only friends/family that never let us down. They are the only living beings that will be excited to see you each and every time you come home, whether it has been 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 years. Thinking about the bond people create with dogs is incredible. The bond dogs create with people is incredible. I got my first very own dog, Sawyer, after we lost our greatest family member of all, Winnie.

       

      She was the best dog I’ll ever know. I got Sawyer and my mom got Barkley, the cutest brothers of all. When Sawyer was a puppy he was goofy, playful, the best snuggler and (still is) my biggest love. Barkely, he’s a lover, napper, jacket loving sweetheart, with the best smile. Our first dog that has ever, SMILED!

       

      When Sawyer was/is sick, I felt/feel sick. When I was sad, Sawyer was sad. when I was happy, Sawyer was happy. When Sawyer was hurt, my heart hurt. If Sawyer doesn’t like somebody…chances are I won’t either.

      It is beyond words to describe the relationship that a human can make with a canine.

      In Twilight, the Vampires-they choose one. What do they call it, imprinting? It’s like a dog chooses one human to love and protect for all of their existence.

       

      It’s like my dog is here to do this hardest thing in the world…love me unconditionally, every day, for his entire life.

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      I miss people, hugs, driving, ketchup and ranch with my fries…but most of all, I miss my dogs.

       

      The hardest part of being away from home, is being away from the dogs. I’ve said this several times. Mostly to myself. I was somewhat embarrassed of the statement. Then today I realized, why would I be embarrassed for loving my dogs unconditionally, the way that they love me?!

       

      The hardest thing about missing animals is that there is no way to communicate with them. Over any technology, the voice is unrecognizable. I have no way to let them know that I didn’t leave them…I love them and I miss them. I’m ashamed that I was uncomfortable with saying out loud that most of all, I miss my pets.

       If you have never felt the love and friendship of a dog and cannot understand my feelings, I’m sorry for you. Dogs are a miracle sent from above.

       

      In a month, I will be moving to a new school. In a week, 9th grade students will be done with junior high. Preparing myself for the high possibility that I will cry at graduation. I remember listening to Vitamin C-graduation song after each graduation (6th grade, 8th grade, 12th grade). Beginning with my first graduation in elementary school-I cried. Since I have been teaching, at the end of each school year, I cry. It’s the leaving part.

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      I’m not afraid of where I’m headed. I’m sad about what I’m leaving.

      Transitions are happy, sad, scary, exciting and inevitable. I recognized this at a young age and I still feel the exact same about change.

      I’m going to miss the students and staff here. Every six months, ALT’s switch schools. That means, a new bike ride, new staff, new students. HappySad.

       

      Last week I send out 10+ letters. I’ve got a few post offices that I am a regular at. However, I FORGOT to stop on my way home on this day. I had to go to the main post office that is open late. While trying to send off my letters the employee was telling me no. Now, I understood what she was saying. No problem. However, I send mail out at least once a week and never had trouble before. I was sending my brother a bell. She said goods and letters/writing cannot be sent together. It ended up being more of a task than it should have been. I opened the perfectly sealed mail to show her the bell. There was a sticky note on the bell-which I had to take off in order to send the bell. So-since you won’t get the sticky note…here it is.

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      Do you know what one of my friends said to me the other day when I asked for their address to send a letter…Why don’t you send a text message? No, no no no. In my opinion these forms of communication are not comparable. I’d much rather put my time and love into something that will brighten your day and make you smile when you least expect it rather than a text message which we all get, daily. I believe in crazy, stupid, love and I believe in the magic of letters. I’ve been sending letters all around the USA and I sent one to England too! Making my way around. What I enjoy most about sending mail, is knowing that you got it…

       

      My time alone has resulted in self-reflection.

      I’m learning that not everything I think about myself, is true. I am looking back at where I was and how I ended up “me”.

      This was sparked by a letter I wrote to my Lucy Lu. She is a friend I’ve had for 13 years now. I was thinking about when we first met, in high school. Holy goodness, life seemed hard at that time. Life was hard at that time. What I remember most about when we became friends, is the pain. At sixteen, I thought my life had to be the hardest life ever lived. Seems like an exaggeration and I wish it was, but I really did think my life was more difficult than most. At the time I had people who told me it would be okay, and this too shall pass. At the time, I didn’t know they were right.

       

      THEN 18-20 years old
      NOW
      16 years old
      28 years old

      Sure, my problems were all due to my own actions, thoughts, and decisions but I didn’t know that. Being the cause of your own pain doesn’t make the pain hurt less. People told me that one day I would thank the man upstairs for the route my life took. Now, I understand. Had my life gone the way I wanted it to at that time…I never would have moved to Arizona, I wouldn’t be in Japan…and I wouldn’t have the heart, understanding and appreciation for other people that I do now.  I think we become what we want to be, because of who were.

       

      I was mean. Now, I would like to think I am one of the most genuinely kind people out there.

      I hated. Now, I love deeply and freely. When you love, there is less pain, hurt and sadness.

      I bullied. Now, I have no tolerance for it and I can help on both ends of the situation.

      I lied. I’m as honest as can be.

      Dignity? Now I do the right thing even when no one is looking.

      There is a reason life doesn’t go the way we “want” it to.

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      One thing that hasn’t changed is my anxiety. I’m going to be intentional about trying to change my thoughts. Last week, my mom text me, “goodnight love you” and I responded with “Love you more”. Next message I got was, “No, not possible, I am in the hospital blood clots”. I was in the middle of a store, holding a ballcap that said “smile”. I dropped it as I read the message and said, “WHAT” loud enough for the whole store to hear me. I placed the hat back on the shelf and left the store to call my mama.

      This is a prime example, where I might book a flight back home before even knowing what is happening. My mom had been there for the day and I had no idea. Nobody told me…Can you believe that?! (Joke..)

      Ignorance is bliss.

      I hate being uninformed, but I also hate being informed. I did a better job this time of controlling my panic and it helped that my mom waited until she knew what the problem was, to tell me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have made it out the door that day. It is hard for me to function in the mist of the unknown. Mama will be okay and is back home. POSITIVE thoughts.

       

      I keep seeing the forecast in Spokane, SNOW, cold temps…and I’m here starting to drip sweat on bike rides.

       

      Snow there…fake snow machine here. img_4347

      Evening bike rides are a highlight of my day. It feels like the fall evenings in Spokane. It reminds me of being a child. It is the perfect temperature for playing hide in seek around the neighborhood in a t-shirt. The air has autumn like briskness in it. Or maybe it is more like the beginning of spring. Still a little winter coolness in the air, but the sunshine is bright and bringing nature back to life. I think that is my all-time favorite part of the year. After winter, when the squirrels start coming out to play, the birds chirping wakes you up and the flowers, OH-the flowers.

      Seeing children outside playing baseball brings me joy. It reminds me of playing catch in the street out front of my parents’ house and the point game at hutton with the boys. My dad would hit baseballs and say how many points the catch was worth. Whoever caught the ball, got the points. Kind of like flies up, with points. I was just there to catch the occasional 100point sissy hit that was hit just for me. I’ve seen this played (rarely) since I was a child…but I was sure that was a game invented by the Binger’s.

       

       

      My entire life I thought my family was the original owner of multiple sayings, mannerisms and customs. Now, when I see other people doing these things I discover that it is not a Binger Invention.

      I got to go to Sasayama which is country side here in Japan! It was beautiful and incredible. I am looking forward to my next trip out there. I am craving stars and wild animals. I haven’t seen the stars since I moved here and I’m still on the prowl for some wild animals (with racoon dog and wild boar at the top of my list).

       

       

      I ate duck and snail. A slug with a shell. Not my style but I had to try it (a second time).

       

      No middle names here. Japanese have a first name and family name.

      I stopped biting my nails.
      I got my first haircut by myself. I didn’t realize how long my hair is…I cut enough off that it now feels short…even though it’s still longer than I use to keep it. About time for me to go super short.

      Finally finished a quilt for my nephew. Made with love and made in JAPAN! [He got it today! YAY]

      Happy March! My favorite month. Strange that the school year is coming to an end, IN MARCH. A student gave me the most thoughtful, heartwarming, gift that I have to share with the world. I let this student borrow a book, “HedgeHugs”. A book about hedgehogs who have to learn how to hug without hurting each other. She knows that I LOVE hedgehogs…and she made these most precious, cute, hedgehogs that I adore. She also made a “reasons why I love you book”. I’ve never received a gift so thoughtful or loving. I am so lucky to have this job.

      Someone asked me last week…if I woke up with my dream job, what would it be…

      My answer…I’m doing it. A teacher.

      Gratitude.

      Lastly-Rest Easy Luke Perry. Believe it or not-some of my most important life lessons came from this man in 90210. 90210 is another thing in life that has never let me down. It has supported me in happy times and in some of the worst. To my first heart throb.

      illie

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    • Waiting for Tragedy

      January has come and gone with a quickness that most months do. Some days go slow, but the weeks go fast and the months disappear without notice.

      I’ve spent (the shortest) 6 months of my life in Japan. This being said, 6 more months was not going to be long enough for me to accomplish all that I hope to. I am excited to say, I have 18 months left here in Japan! Someone asked me my new years resolution and I nearly laughed…I don’t exactly believe in NY resolutions. I think everyday is a new beginning. But this year, I want to explore and travel Japan.

      I didn’t ride my bike for almost two weeks. When I got back on my bicycle for my ride to work…an 11 minute bike ride took me 20 minutes. By the end of the week I was able to get the ride down to 14 minutes… Lesson: Taking breaks from anything makes you weaker.

       

      My sewing obsession has followed me to Japan. I have a newfound love for beads now too. My bead collection is bigger than it was when I was a child, making 100  bead long string necklaces…IMG_3145

       

      Hello Happy

      Some of my favorite things that have happened recently: I got some amazing Christmas cards from friends in the USA. I’ve been asking students questions about things I don’t understand in Japan. The answers I get are PERFECT.

      Q: I don’t understand why nobody smiles at me on the train…  A: Using the train is not funny.  [Easy enough, I LOVE that answer.] Also, smiling on the train is an invitation to talk and most people find talking on the train to be torture.

      Q: Why do the teachers move rooms, why don’t students? A: Teachers want a perfect body.

      Q: I don’t know why students laugh at me… A: We are loving you.  [This was a big misunderstanding. When I felt students were laughing at me, it hurt my feelings…but its more of a conversation opener and students showing affection.]

      At my favorite Ramen shop, I am officially a regular. No longer need a menu, my order is known. I’ve always dreamed of being a regular somewhere, preferably not a bar. I’m ecstatic with my new badge of honor there. The people there talk to me quickly in Japanese. I can almost understand what they are saying but they must think I do. We are figured out how to communicate using different languages and I think it is incredible.

      IMG_3272 I wanted return to Judo this week. I am looking forward to learning/practicing Judo but the burns on my elbows are just now healed and I’m exhausted, lately. I hope to get back at it, soon.

      Today, students played a Japanese card game. It was played by grade level. It took place in the gym and awards were presented after. It was awesome! In the states we do not have anything like this.

      Silly things that I LOVE~! My dad always walks behind me and bumps the back of my knee. If he gets me good enough, I nearly fall to the ground. That is also a thing here in Japan!! I laughed when I did it to someone and they had a name for it and told me it was a common joke like move.

      I taught friends that if you focus on the other persons elbow you will have the greatest high-five ever. Practiced that as well as the back of knee taps.

      5e17225e-4f20-40b7-9be3-9c4282fd3f03I ordered a bookshelf off of Amazon. When I received the bookshelf I could not help but laugh. I had to put it together but all of the instructions were in Japanese. Got the tools out and hammered that baby together! 🙂

      I am amazed by the weather right now. It is late January and the beauty of the sun is blinding. When the clouds are not covering the sun it brings enough warmth making 30s and 40 degree weather feel like a hot stove just opened-warming you to the bones.

      I’m starting to understand the process of how students move up into the next grade. It is mind-blowing. I’m taken so far back by the amount of work students have to do at such young ages. Maybe it is so shocking because all I knew before was my experience.

      In my experience…you go to the school nearest your home. Elementary and then to your middle school and lastly high school. Public education was always free for me. I did have to pay to take the SATS and apply for college…

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      Students in Japan may start as young as 6th grade, applying for different schools. Students apply for public schools. Public schools are paid for by families. For example, right now I have helping a student prepare for her interview for the high school she dreams of going to. Each school has limited openings and you must have certain scores on tests and be ranked against the students at your school. Ranking of where you are at is extremely important for students here.

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      Students take a test which depends on the high school they want to attend. Students may be a multiple subject test with an oral interview in English and Japanese. This is to see if the school will accept the student into the public school. EVERY child has to do some variation of this process to ensure they go to high school. Student’s tell me they are always studying, but now I understand why. Schools here are also leveled by ability…

       

      Pressure exists. As a foreigner I can see it and I can feel it and now I understand it. Students are going through a process similar to college applications, at the young age of 15. These students have to ace interviews that are similar to interviews I had to attempt in order to get a teaching job. I hope throughout my time here I can lessen the pressure for some students and help them acquire the skills they need to feel confident about their future.

       

       

      When I look at these students, I see kids. Kids that should be playing hide and go seek, kick the can, riding bikes until dark…but the reality is that these students spend most of their time studying and especially now when the tests/interview exams are around the corner. Where I see children…others see young adults.

      What I’ve been appreciating about Japan in addition to what I’ve already mentioned…

      Students. Building relationships with students people in the community.

      Teachers. I work with a great group of teachers.

      The kotatsu I have-a Japanese heating table.

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      Sunshine-it is beautiful when the sun is shinning and that has been a lot! I saw someone (in JANUARY) with their top down in a convertible.

      Flowers: Still blooming and growing IN WINTER.

      Pen Pal letters!! My students here in Japan have gotten their letters back from America. I’m as excited as the kiddos.

      Surprise (to me!)

      High school entrance

      How many words/phrases don’t translate

      The green traffic light (go) is called BLUE here. Blue/green use to be interchangeable

      Students are teaching me Kanji. COOL!

      There are only dirt fields at Japan middle schools. No grass.

      Really, no grass anywhere. I feel kind of weird when I see dogs using the street as their toilet. I don’t think my dog would know what to do if it has to use cement as his canvas.

      Craft stores here nice. I can’t find rainbow thread though which is strange since rainbows are LOVED here. Fabric is expensive and good quality.

      I never hear people sneeze? [Wait I just did hear it…but maybe I don’t notice because no one says bless you or acknowledges it. Since I have written this-I have heard LOTS of sneezed and I also have sneezed more?]

      I love the Yamaha motorcycles that I see here. Classic. On the way home I saw one for about $ 1,300 and I’m tempted. If the driving pattern were the same as USA’s I wouldn’t think twice.

      School lunch as been delicious.

      I HAD THE BEST GYOZA. Gyoza=pot stickers. This time instead of pot sticker shape-it looked like a piece of friend chicken (drum stick). It was the BEST.

      gyoza

      I’m either sweating or freezing at school. Sometimes the heat is on, sometimes all the windows are open. After riding my bike to work though, I’m always sweating…until it dries and I’m then frozen.

      When I go to help a student they complete an entire sentence in Japanese and then I say, “Eigo” [eggo] (English) and we laugh. Students speak Japanese naturally and by accident and when I listen then say English-we always laugh. Even if I understand, I want them to try and communicate using English.

      Flowers are a big deal here. There are tons of flower shops. We order flowers online in America. I don’t even know where a local flower shop is at home.

      I’ve learned that communication is easy. You just have to be willing to try.

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      Japan is a pretty interesting place. I love it. I love the people, the culture, the students… I am glad to be here.

      Processing…

      Only continue if you can do so:

      with

      Grace and without judgement.

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      Current day-Phil and I

       

      I think one of the greatest tragedies of the world is when children are forced to grow up. However, positive lessons are rarely taught in positive ways. We grow up when we are ready but now that I’m thinking about it, there is a situation, a time and a place where something happens that forces us to grow up. I feel for the children in the world who go through this at a time when their biggest worry should be how late they can ride their bike or if they get the best smelling scratch and sniff sticker. I remember when I met the harshness of the world. The next 10 years of my life were spent trying to figure out how I could save the people I love. I’m still trying to stomach the fact that I can’t. The next 10 years after that were spent still in the chaos of the storm, reacting, overly cautious, afraid of what each day would bring.

       

      When I was 24 years old I was a first year teacher in Arizona. The school year had finished and I was excited as ever to get back to Washington to see my friends and family. My dad and I drove back and had a ball. The summer was starting off great, I was happy, excited, hopeful and ready to have the summer of a lifetime.

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      I had been in Spokane for less than 24 hours. I was driving down 29th with my best friend, going by the light on Perry. It was my first night back in town and home for the summer. I felt like I was on top of the world. Laughing with my best friend, heading out to get into mischief… My dad was calling. For the first time in my life I didn’t expect bad news from my dad calling multiple times in a row. I was finally past, waiting for tragedy.  After answering, my world didn’t just stop, my heart and soul did too. I was no longer able to drive. Kate took over driving while I continued breathing heavily, dizzy, knees shaking, more scared than I have ever been (to this day).

      Nobody will ever understand what I felt, until they go through it (and I hope that you never do). The opposite is also true…I will never understand what you go through until I experience it. 

       

      Waiting for tragedy is an ugly place to be. It is a waste of daylight, loss of sleep, it is an all-consuming place that got the best of me for far too long. I wish I could say I was out of the woods when it comes to expecting/waiting for “the other shoe to drop” but the anxiety and fear of tragedy lingers around.

      Maybe I let the fear of tragedy hang around so that I am better prepared for when it strikes. But the truth is, there is no way to be prepared.

       

      When we use to go visit my grandparents in Nebraska, I dreaded leaving. I would look out the airplane window during take off and hear tears of my loved ones falling. It wasn’t until I was in middle school or so that I realized why my mom and dad always cried when we left Nebraska. I imagine that they were thinking, “Next time I come here, my mom/dad may not be alive anymore” or “that may be the last time I see my mom/dad”. Several times, they ended up being right. I cannot get past the thought of losing people I love. It breaks me into thousands of tiny pieces. Love is such a deep connection especially between family…that there is no way to ever be ready for what is to come.

      You see, my parents protect(ed) me from a lot. I didn’t always know when the world was spinning out of control. My dad informing me of the chaos meant death.

      Side note: I know that I’m not a parent…but I believe whole heartedly that it is a parents job to protect their children from dangerous chaos. Let me begin with a disclaimer: My parents protected me. My parents never knowingly or purposely put me in a situation of dangerous chaos. Sure, we found ourselves in some crappy situations but my parents never caused it or forced me to go through it. Thank you for that.  Children who group up in chaos become comfortable with it and begin to look for it. As a teacher, I see this and I understand it. I resist the temptation to feel sorry for children and instead try to encourage and help children find resilience, courage, dignity, empathy and a way to be better. In times like this I am reminded of how incredible children are. Living in chaos requires a person to  begin living in a constant state of fight or flight-stress response. Fight or flight is activated when there is a perceived threat and people must function in this state to remain. Stress response should be short lived. Once the situation has passed your body returns to the normal state. This is not true for all of us. Some of us are living in a constant state of stress response and experience negative side effects(sweaty palms, heart racing, reduced sleep, headaches). Children should be protected from this instead of forced to live a life in which fight or flight is required in order to survive. Chaos can be beautiful or dangerous. The kind of chaos I’m talking about right now is the exposure to dangerous, unpredictable people and situations. This is the stuff I feel passionately about. Nobody should have to navigate through the “hard stuff” alone when these events have been experienced and lived through by many.
      I can’t comprehend the pain of some situations because I have not lived them but I sure will listen and love.

      My dad was calling me to tell me I needed to come say goodbye, to my brother. I arrived at the hospital a short time after the phone call. I ran inside and back into the emergency room where I saw my brother laying lifeless, clothes cut off, machines keeping him alive.

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      Seeing this was: frightening, upsetting, maddening, saddening…more emotions that I can find the words for. My brother had overdosed and was to end his days in that bed. I did not leave the hospital for the next 24 hours maybe even 48, until I was assured that Phil was in a coma and would not die without notice. I stayed at the hospital most nights. I’d seen a number of movies where people would magically come out of a coma because they could feel or hear the love in the room. Now I know, that is only in the movies.  I would hold Phil’s hand, play our favorite songs, talk to him, yell at him, pray for him and just watch him. I thought I would be his reason for waking up. Sometimes, his hand would twitch in mine. I thought he was squeezing my hand. But this lasted days and wasn’t a squeeze of love or an “it’s okay sis, I’m coming”. It had been weeks of a coma, seizing and wonder. Wonder what would happen next, wondering if he would survive, wondering how we would survive…

       

      From the ER we moved into ICU. Here, Some light started to come out of the situation. By light, I mean life. Phil had opened his eyes but was unable to talk, eat, walk, or communicate. He was no longer the person we all knew. Not long after, Phil went back into a coma.

      It is hard to recount the steps that we took or recall the days that have passed…but as I am typing this out I have that same feeling in my stomach, frog in my throat and unsettling thought of what life is for some people.

       

      In the summer to come many tears were shed by the family, nights were spent awake and days were spent at the hospital. There was not much happy in these days but there was a wedding of one of my brothers and a chance for the entire family to be together.  The weeks and months to come were filled with steps forwards and leaps backwards and a mistake made by one that all of us were forced to learn from.

      July came quick and I needed to head back to Arizona for my job. This was not an option for me at that time. With my brother was in and out of the ICU, leaving was not an ideal situation for me. I wouldn’t let it be a situation at all and with careful consideration I resigned from my teaching position in Arizona and stayed home where I felt I needed to be.

      Phil is a warrior. He always has been. He was not supposed to survive this. I think of my family as an army. We have fought some dark battles [together] and we have won all but not without sustaining injury.

      Phil got into Saint Luke’s rehabilitation center which became our home for the next month where Phil learned to walk, talk,write, eat, and do everyday skills that you learn as a child. We were not out of the clear…there were many ambulance rides back to the ER and several questions that still haven’t been answered. But after his time at Saint Luke’s, we walked out of there together.

       

      Sadly, when my dad calls several times-my heart pounds. When I call my parents several times, I’m sure the same happens for them.

      When I don’t hear from my brothers I begin to panic.

      When my brothers tell me that they love me…I question why they are saying that.

      We have added people to the family since, made mends and ripped too many stitches. But here we are. All six of us are still around, happy and healthy (I like to think).

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      20 years after meeting chaos…I am now what some would consider to be a professional with chaos. A master of chaos. I can welcome chaos and take care of the situation at hand. I’ve been in many ambulance rides, handled many adult like problems and become a comfort to those who find themselves going through similar situations that I have. This stuff-it is not good. It’s not something that most people share. But this, this has made me who I am.  I’ve never been embarrassed of the hard stuff. To me this is a testimony of my family, our greatness, strength, resilience and love. 

      Positive lessons are rarely taught in positive ways

      Take care of yourself. Impact people positively. Be sunshine in somebody’s dark day.

      Also-I made a peanut butter and bacon sammy last night. It has been a long time since I’ve had one of those!

      Thank you for being you.

      illie

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    • Countdown

      I love when I am reading a book and I recognize the emotion and meaning behind the title of the book or even the chapter. My title for my blog is Rubee Miles. Rubee Miles because if I ever have a daughter, that is what I want to name her. The meaning this name has come to be deep in my heart and explainable beyond my heart. Some people think I don’t want to be a Mom but it is a hope and dream of mine. People say you have to meet the child before you choose a name. But Rubee Miles would be perfect for any child of mine…even if it does end up having 4 legs. Finding the relation between a title and a person’s writing is one of my favorite things.

      Happy birthday to some very special women in my life. Happy birthday Mama, Kristy and Lois!! Happy Birthday to my favorite, wonderful, wacky, women. You inspire and motivate me to be a better person. You encourage me to keep moving forward and to choose happy as a way of life. Thank you for improving the quality of my life. Spread your glitter- you make the world sparkle!

      This was my first Christmas waking up, alone, without family. It was not magical or heartwarming. It was sad. It was harder than I imagined. Now, all the Christmas decorations have been replaced with New Years decorations.

      In Japan, lonely has a different meaning. I had someone say to me, you must be lonely. I kind of giggled because generally you don’t say that to someone. Lonely in Japan just means, by yourself. In that case yes, I am alone/lonely. But I can be in a room full of people and feel alone. On Christmas, I was in a room full of people and felt lonely. Lonely to me is a sadness caused by the absence of love. Lonely is a feeling of being alone, not just a physical description. For the most part I do not feel lonely, even though I spend a lot of time alone. Differences in the way two people use the same word interests me.

      Christmas in Japan is celebrated for fun. Some families get small trees (a foot tall or so) and eat chicken/KFC for a Christmas dinner. You can probably guess where my dinner was from…YEP, 7-11. I’ve been waiting to receive a package from Chichi. I swear he timed it exactly so, that it would arrive on Christmas. Once again, a great letter, photos of loved ones and MASKS! Another joy filled package.

      New Years celebrations here closely resemble traditions for Christmas in America. Families travel to be together for the New Year. Many places are closed December 30-January 3rd and nearly all places are closed on New Years day. Families celebrate by having a special dinner together, staying up (all night) playing games, maybe visiting a shrine or temple and sharing their hopes, dreams and prayers for the upcoming year. At midnight on New Years the Temples ring their bell 108 times. This is believed to release 108 sins from all humans. The 108 sins that these bells rid us include mental states that cloud the mind and force people to manifest/think of impure actions. This can be anxiety, fear, anger, jealousy, desire, depression and more. I think this is a great tradition to bring in a new year. To me, a clean slate is much better done by cleaning it rather than filling it with resolutions. I’d rather have a fresh start than a list of goals that makes me feel like I’m already behind what is supposed to be a “New Year”.

       

      Families spend this holiday together and manifest a future that they hope for while riding themselves of accidental and purposeful sins. We all find ourselves in boats we do not want to be in. New Years is a time to grow stronger… Families will gather for the New Year and that doesn’t leave much room for a foreigner. Who knows-maybe I’ll get to spend the new year with my family too.

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      I’ve always felt a feeling of defeat on New Years. People are always talking about a renewed sense of hope. Every morning I have a renewed sense of hope. People wait all week for Friday, all year for their favorite season and their entire life for happiness. I cannot bare to do that. I choose happy each day because I believe happy is a way of life.

      I’m not counting down until Friday, summer, or the new year.

      I have never understood why people wait to make a goal or resolution. If I waited for a New Year to make/start a goal, I would never achieve anything. I am reflecting, planning and growing daily. I’d rather use the new year as a stamp in time to resemble who I am in that moment. I prefer to look back at how I have grown rather than plan ahead for what could end up being failure. I’m not scared of failure. I have some size failure every day from as little as forgetting to take my vitamin to not setting alarm and possibly having forgot to switch my laundry. Today, my failure (so far) was starting the day with 2 fresh squeezed lemons instead of one. Continuing after failure is where growth happens. My goals have a large range from what some people would laugh at because it’s a “dream” to what others would laugh at because a child might have bigger goals.

      I’ve always wanted to own a zoo. That’s my dream. Is it crazy…maybe. Would it be impossible to own a zebra…NO. But that’s a big dream, I know. But someone once told me I’d never own an animal that could live at a zoo. That person is no longer in my life. These are my dreams-you get your own. A little dream of mine…to stop biting my nails, learn judo and sleep through the night without waking up. I’m making, rearranging, prioritizing, failing and succeeding each day at different goals I have.  [I tried Judo at school with students today, for the first time. I had no prior knowledge on Judo, I just had a feeling it was going to be badass. I couldn’t think of a better word to describe my feelings towards something I had only heard of-sorry for that word choice. However, I was right. It was the coolest. I participated in about half of the warm up. I was too weak to do the whole thing. My hope is that if I keep going to Judo, I’ll gain enough strength to do the entire warm up. Maybe I’ll even be able to participate in part of the actual practice. The amount of charlie horses I got and the intense soreness of my abdominals right now is a clear indicator that I am using muscles I didn’t even know I had. Learned a few of the basics. I had no idea Judo had so much gripping, grappling, striking and body locks involved. I’ve never seen such graceful, aggressiveness.

      In early December I attended Kobe Luminaire. This is a light show that began after the Great Hanshin Earthquake in 1995. Thousands of people lost their lives, tens of thousands of people were injured and hundreds of thousands of people were displaced. This light show symbolized bringing light back into the lives of people in Japan. It is an annual representation of the lives lost and the regained hope and renewal that was necessary to rebuild the city. Seeing this light show, I felt that renewal in my heart, something I have never felt on New Years.

      I’ve been living what my best friends refer to as “my best life“. I’ve been exploring all hours of the day, meeting new friends and going out with old friends. I think the grandma life is more my style. Japan, the best life has been real…but I’m more fit for the old soul (early to bed and early to rise) young heart (zoo visits and ocean trips) life.

      I had my first experience at the doctor. I say experience because I gained new knowledge through this exposure. In Japan each symptom requires a different doctor. A doctor specialized in that area. I understand why and I appreciate a specialist who is an expert in their area. In the USA, my primary care facility was Minor Emergency until I was about 24. I went there for everything (stitches, shots, broken bones, fever, illness-you name it I’ve been there for it). Now, I tell my doctor everything. I guess I’m use to more of a “one size fits all” patient. I hate one size fits all because it never fits right but this is the one time I would have preferred it (only because it is what I am used to).

      I attended my first Bonenkai (Forget the year party). This is a party where people get together to forget the troubles and stresses of the past year and start the new year to come, fresh. Most of this event was in Japanese and I still had the most wonderful time. The company, games and food was perfect. What a cool party to have. I love that every single person can communicate with a smile or a laugh. The happy that was spread across the faces of people at this party was a sight to see. A language barrier cannot block the communication that happens through emotions. We play the same, laugh the same and can communicate through so much more than words. Forget the year and bless the next. I love the traditions I have experienced so far.

      I’ve been meeting with a student after school to help her prepare for her high school entrance exam. It seems to be comparable to applying for community college. We have run into road blocks due to the language barrier and the best way I have found around these is to act the words out, or draw a picture. Common sense maybe…but I always thought rephrasing and repeating was a great strategy. Turns out it is useless. Rephrase: Explain an unknown word using more unknown words. Repeat: Still don’t understand. Sometimes it can be frustrating, but I prefer to exhaust all options before turning to a dictionary or translation device. We both must try tremendously hard to accomplish this and it is a great challenge for both of us. The students here study an intense amount, more than I would have ever dreamed of. The athletes practice more in one day than some students in America do in a whole week.

      Right now, it is winter break both in America and Japan. Students last day of school was Christmas. However, teachers work until December 29th and then return January 4th. Teachers have a six-day break and two of those days are thanks to a weekend. Students may not have class but they are all here practicing their club activity. Winter break and the school is functioning close to normal. Teachers are working, students are practicing, and everybody is busy. At home, students and teachers are completely off from school for a week or two. Huge difference in the education systems.

      I went to a Spokane/Nishinomiya sister city dinner. I met many new faces and had the company of a dear friend that I met when I arrived in Japan. Students who just got back from Spokane were at the party and shared some of their favorite activities! Several of the people attending the party had also been to Spokane. It kind of brings us together like a family when we have the connection of being in the same places. They love my home and I love theirs. Kind of like how I have an automatic connection with Corn Huskers. When you love and support the same ______ It makes for an instant connection. At this dinner I was gifted a poinsettia. These remind me of my mama and my grandma. It was a beautiful gift to receive and it brought joy to my heart. My friend and I are now going to see who can keep their plant living happily, longer. We both love plants…but our living plant success is non-existent.

      Happy Merry Everything

      illies

    • Gas Tank Full of Freedom

      Gas Tank Full of Freedom

      12/10/18 +

      At the top of my TO DO list for Japan, I have: Fall in Love. Above all else, while I am here my goal is to fall in love,

      with myself. 

      Oh my goodness. It has almost been a month since I went home to the USA. Since I have been back-it has been a whirlwind.
      I’ve been talking with my friends and brother about traveling around Japan. I feel like I am missing out by not exploring. But the thing is-every time I step out of my apartment, it is an adventure. I haven’t traveled Japan yet but I am planning to. Once leaving my home is no longer an adventure, I will start checking items off of my bucket list.

      This being said…I’ve already been in Japan for nearly 5 months. That means I am almost half way through my year in Japan.

      As a teacher-I am growing like a weed. I am gaining so much experience teaching English as a second language. I have no doubt that this opportunity is helping me grow as much as a teacher, as it is a person.

      Thinking about my growth and overall, how much I have changed since I was a child…this quote was very humbling. There are wonderful humans out there who are evil in my story-the thought of being the evil in somebody else’s gives me those dirty moths in my stomach. I think this is why it is so important to remember that people will never forget the way you made them feel.

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      I’ve made some people feel really awful in my past. If you are reading this and you are one of them-I apologize. There are several people I have reached out to and personally apologized..but you know what? People that made me feel bottom of the barrel awful, they never apologized. That is okay, but I remember the way you made me feel, the times you caused me pain. Thanks to you, I’m a way fresher person than I use to be. By fresher…I mean more: Resilient, kind and happy. 

      Right now, Japan is where I am meant to be. I know this because I see personal growth as well as professional. People should be living a life that makes them better. Being here, is making me better. I also hope to be making people better here. At school I try to make sure students know that I see them. Not like I see them up to no good, or goofing around…

      but that I see them, I care and that they are enough.

      Adventures since I’ve been back from the United States.

      HOT SPRINGS! My dear friend took me to Arima hot springs. This is one of the most ancient onsen’s in Japan. This hot spring is a rusty orange color because of all of its natural components. There are very few hotsprings in the world that have this many elements. This is similar to a public bath. You wash your body off and get into a small pool like tub. Yes, naked. Yes, with other people. Boys and girls are separated. At this onsen there were no tattoos allowed. Having a number of them, Sachiko and Moko helped me cover all of them with bandaid like tattoo covers. Lots of laughs and giggles while we did this.

      There were three different baths at this Onsen. After each bath you put your clothes on and walk to the next location. We took part in a buffet beforehand, all you can eat Japanese food! I tried everything. Because I will always try things at least once.

      On the way home We stopped to admire fall leaves. This was a breath taking forest of trees with more color than imaginable.

      Sachiko also took me for a drive through the country side. This was my first time seeing “country side” here in Japan. It reminded me more of home than anything else here, has. The roads were bigger, everything was more spread out and it wasn’t as busy. It felt kind of like driving on the Palouse, but not.

      I ate Shabu shabu. And…a snail. Because I have to try everything at least once…SUPER COOL meal to eat and the company was nice too!

      Snails are like slugs. I HATE slugs. So taking this snail out of its shell to eat was a first and last time event for me. After dinner I gave Pachinko a try and searched for wild bores. You know how much I love hunting for animals. Hunting to me is just searching with my eyeballs and jumping with excitement when I see a creature.  This night may have ended with Super Mario. Most of my nights do. HAH.

      I have actually been lost now. Like, wandering for an hour just looking for something that I was familiar with. In an hour, I reached my step goal, had no wifi and 12% battery on my phone. My map was no help because I was in an area I had never been. I never found anything familiar, a train station, or free wifi. I also wasn’t at my best. I walked until I saw a cab pulled over. I’m sure I sounded half dead as I said, “Ride?”. I got an Ok. Got a ride to my bicycle. The ride was 35 minutes and worth every single YEN.

      All Japan Pro Wrestling!

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      I went to watch professional wrestling in JAPAN! Cool huh? The coolest part is I got to see an old friend from Spokane, WRESTLE in Japan!! I personally find that to be insanely incredible. The odds in that happening have got to be low to none.

      I went with a coworker and his friend. They are huge fans of pro-wrestling. All around, amazing night with great people. So fun to see someone from home, here in Japan. I get excited seeing someone I know at the grocery store in Spokane so you can probably imagine my joy in seeing people in Japan. Parrow and Odinson took the W in a tag team match. Whoop whoop.

      I’m looking forward to seeing another Professional wrestling show while I am here.

      I’ve got some time off coming up for Winter break. I work on Christmas. First time, working on Christmas. I have many special birthdays to celebrate the day after Christmas. These people are more dear to my heart and soul than I can say. I hope you can feel my love from Japan. Happy Birthday (Dec 26th) To my MAMA, KRISTY, and LOIS! I’ve been thinking about you since December began and I’ll be celebrating you all month long. Heck, I celebrate the three of you all year long.

      Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear, Mama, Kristy, and Lois, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.

      With a break coming up, I have considered going home…but I really want to explore the country I live in. If I go home every chance I get-I won’t ever see this whole new world. (This week in class students are singing-A whole new world.) It dropped 30 degrees over the past week. Last week I was riding my bike in a Tshirt and enjoying the colors of fall. Today, I wore my long johns, beanie and winter jacket. I think this is one of the first times I have worn a beanie for warmth. I never realized how cold my ears get when I have a hat on. Now that I think about it…I haven’t ridden a bike in the fall in probably 15 years…I just forgot the feeling of COLD hitting my cheeks and sneaking through my strands of hair up to my ears.It was 39 degrees when I woke up this morning. Last week it was 70 degrees. That is a pretty drastic change in such a short amount of time.

      Last week
      This week

      My morning commute consists of these minor yet major inclines. Some days I ride up the entire way, sometimes I make it half way…and this week for the first time I started walking my bike at the bottom. My legs are getting stronger. I couldn’t make it to the top my first time. Hah. Now I spend the first 10 minutes of my bike ride, wondering how much effort I want to put forth in order to save myself one minute riding up VS walking up.Giggling. I love that my daily decisions start here…Well actually even earlier my hardest decision is what I will wear. Feel like a small child, going to a drawer, closing my eyes and wearing whatever I pull out.

      I rearranged my apartment, which I have done a few times now. It makes things feel…fresh.

      At school, students had a tournament. Girls played volleyball and boys played handball. I saw lots of smiles during this and I couldn’t stop thinking about how cool it was that students could have a handball tournament, at school. Last week, we had a marathon day. Students choose the distance they would run and ran anywhere from 1km to 10 km. More than half of the school choose 10km!! I choose 3km and my running partner helped me keep a good pace the entire time. Probably my fastest mile since 4th grade.

      I’ve sent out many letters and postcards recently. I’m the biggest fan of mail. I hope if you receive mail, it gives you some happy in your heart. That is my goal, to spread happy. We started penpals too!! Seeing the students write to my kiddos at home, made me glow. *Hours after writing this, I checked my mail and what do you know-I HAD A LETTER FROM A DEAR FRIEND. Thank you sister. This is my favorite card.

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      My refrigerator is empty. Probably a good time to start the whole30. I have been yearning for a redbull. I haven’t given in. I’d get so jacked up if I had a redbull, I probably can’t handle them anymore. I could drink a 20Oz redbull and take a nap. I was looking at how much caffeine was in the tea I am drinking…20-30MGs. I was drinking 200+mgs a day… When I take Tylenol-I take 2 extra strength tablet, each 500mgs. Here, the pain killer I got was similar to a 25mg ibuprofen and was to be taken every six hours.

      I felt like I really lived here the first time I wore a mask. When I came back from the USA, I was feeling pretty nasty. I didn’t want to spread these USA germs…because I worry that they might be stronger (like how medicines are stronger in the USA). That’s my reasoning. Everything is stronger at home so the germs must be too.

      However, the breath mints here are way stronger. They about knock your socks off!

      The apples are bigger.

      You rent movies at a rental shop.

      I’ve made some great relationships with students. I have students helping me learn Japanese. At lunch time I eat with a class. I enjoy this time, talking with students and eating new foods. The other day at lunch it was an entire (small) fish, with its head and skin still on…I tried a bite but then I had to give the rest away. I don’t like to see a creatures face unless I’m out hunting (looking) for them.

      Japan Amazon is my favorite. I could order something today and have it within 24 hours. That’s crazy.

      I’m still tired from the weekend. I think tonight might be a night of 12+ hours of sleep. That means I can go to bed at 7. That sounds magical. I’m such a baby. Dane-I wish you were here. I know you would fit in well with me on a Friday night! Have yet to meet someone with our mindset.

      Update-I went to bed at 11pm and woke up at 3am. Sleeping just wasn’t in the cards for me last night. Urg. Try again tonight. My sleep still isn’t quite right for some reason. Anxiety, dokidoki? Unsure.  I was wishing that I was a preschooler again and my mom cold pick my clothes out and dress me because that was a demanding task this morning.

      Oh yes. Last thing. I had a sentimental Clark Griswald moment last night as I recalled the happiness of life as a child. Last night I sat and watched a home video from 27 years ago. In this video, I was 1, my brothers were 5, 7 and 9 and my parents were 38. It is Christmas Eve and Christmas. I love hearing my parents voices, they still sound the same. I melted hearing all of our little voices. When you are little, life should be this wonderful. It makes me sad that it isn’t this way for all children. Since this video, everything has changed but nothing at the same time. That’s impossible, but it is true.

      As always, glad to be apart of your day.

      illie

      JapanLife

    • No one can take away your pain so never let anyone take away your happiness

      11/27

      I’ve been rockin’ and rollin’ the past month. Quick recap-the beginning of November I SAW MONKEYS! Yuko journeyed with me to Arashiyama to admire a bamboo forest and the beauty of fall.  I’ve been talking about seeing a monkey in the wild since I arrived in Japan…so when we saw signs saying watch for monkeys-I was like a kid on Christmas morning. This is one of my favorite adventures so far.

      We had sports day which consisted of all junior highs in Nishinomiya. It took place at Koshien Statium, where the professional baseball team, The Hanshin Tigers, play. Once again-we have nothing comparable to this in America. We got there by train. Students sit by grade level and perform by grade level. Each grade level does an athletic dance and there are relay races followed by awards for the fastest team in the city. I’m not going to say anything more about this because it is more incredible than my words can describe.

      I had a presentation for Nishinomiya International Association.

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      I talked about the similarities and differences between Spokane and Nishinomiya. HOLY GOODNESS, there are an infinite amount. After I showed pictures and spent too much time talking, adults were able to ask questions. A few questions I got were: How do you deal with bullying in America?  Do you own a gun? What surprised you most in Japan? After the presentation, I spent a day out with friends.

      I have officially been redbull/energy drink free for three weeks and nicotine free for over a year! These both are huge accomplishments for me. I hear that people feel differently when they give their body what it needs. I don’t know what that means (because my body always feels the same) -but I’m trying to figure it out. I’m trying to nourish my body and be more intentional about what I put into my body. People say that after massages, adjustments, yoga, exercise, eating healthy they “feel” different. What exactly does that mean? My entire life I have felt the same after each of these activities. I have found acupuncture and massage to be the most relaxing (during) but my body itself, generally always feels the same. I will say, I have started taking some supplements and new vitamins and I am noticing that my dreams are more vivid and my memory is better. Something must be doing my brain some good.

      In the beginning of November Sachiko helped me figure out my life. My acne has been the worst it’s ever been. Sachiko noticed how bad it was and asked, “are you ok, what’s wrong?” (We were driving to the post office to pick up a package [at the time I didn’t know it would be the best package I’ve ever received in my life] from my dad.) I told her, “I’m great-must be the food I’m eating.” She responded with, “Your stomach is bulging, your face is bad, I think you are stressed.” My first response was to laugh. Not because of her pure honesty about my bulging stomach and mass amount of zits…

      but what could I possibly be stressed about?

      I’ve had that said to me so many times you would think it is stamped on my forehead. I started to agree with the statement I’ve heard too many times “you have nothing to be stressed about, you are 28 years old, single and have no children.” After I spoke those words Sachiko said, “You miss home. Your family and the comforts of home. I know it doesn’t feel like it but I think that you’re holding a lot of stress.” Of course, I miss home but I’ve been so busy living that…I kind of avoid thinking about home. People ask if I’m home sick and NO comes out of my mouth quicker than I can formulate a better response. I don’t know what homesick is. Kind of like how I don’t understand what jet lag is.

      [Side note* Stress is real. Everybody has it. I am 28, single, have a career and no obligations because of the choices I have made. People say that to me like it’s a blessing or I’m abnormally lucky to be ME. Stop yourself right there. I got myself to where I am. I’m 28 (because the birthdays keep on coming) and single because I refuse to settle. I don’t have children because I haven’t met somebody I want to have a family with, yet. Would I like children? YES.  You may have made different life decisions than me, some by mistake and some on purpose. No matter who you are, where you’re at and what you want-that is up to you. It feels like people are trying to make me feel like my stress, anxiety and worries are inadequate [compared to what they could be].  Maybe you had a plan for your life and it is/isn’t turning out the way you imagined. I’ve never had a plan. My future changes with each day. My stresses are changing as I realized I can be in the eye of the storm where I am calm and everything around me is flying off the handles, out of control. But I have stress. We all do. But there is a difference between luck and hard work. I’m not where I am at by luck. I appreciate the life I live and the people in it. Don’t ever ask somebody what they have, to be stressed about if you’re only trying to make them feel like their issues are laughable compared to yours. I might be upset about almost missing a flight. It might be a huge deal for me. But maybe missing that flight meant missing out on time with people who I love. I could be late  to the airport because I haven’t slept and I was at the hospital all night with somebody that I  care about. Yes, it is incredible that I have the opportunity to catch a flight…because I’ve met people who haven’t had the chance to catch a bus yet. This doesn’t make it any less of a big deal for me. Comparing me to others doesn’t make my knees stop shaking, or my heart stop pounding.

      Seeing a rainbow is a reason for me to dance and celebrate. I LOVE RAINBOWS. You may not see the magic in that rainbow but I do, SO LET ME DANCE.

      People generally don’t try to downplay my happies or one up my happies…but when it comes to life challenges, all too often people try to downplay or one up my hurts. Nothing about two people is comparable. That is why you shouldn’t compare yourselves to others. Our problems, bodies, happies, sads, childhoods-you name it…ARE NOT THE SAME but the feelings we have are similar. Isn’t that the magic in life? Meeting people from different walks of life and connecting with people who have been through different situations but felt those same feelings?! Be gentle with people. We all hurt the same.)

      No one can take away your pain so never let anyone take away your happiness

      Ok back to the story-I arrived at the post office and I ran inside to grab my package (at 7:45pm, because the post office is open late but banks close at 3!!) and when I got to the car I joyfully opened it.

      First, I saw a note from my dad, that only had 14 words but made my eyes well up, one blink and tears would be falling.img_1762

      Next, I opened pocket number one to find photos that chichi printed. Photos of his trip here, the dogs, my brothers and mama. BLINK- tears ran down my cheeks.

      I flipped through the photos and felt that beautiful pain.

      Pocket number 2 had keychains since father lost my keys, this made me laugh.

      Not to mention these came inside of a MINI ADVENTURE PACK.

      I was happysad. At that moment I realized that I miss my people/animals far more than I acknowledge or notice. I’m pretty in tune with my emotions so I’m still not sure how this snuck up on me.

      Around this time an English teacher told me that it was going to be a testing week. During exam weeks I do not have classes but I come to work and keep myself busy. I was told it would be a good time to take paid leave if I wanted to…

      (Meanwhile…back home Phil [my brother] was visiting from Denver where he works for the airlines. He had just had the conversation about how he shouldn’t have given me flight benefits because I would never use them since I’m living in Japan…) However, without these flight benefits a trip home wouldn’t have even become a thought in my mind. Moments later Phil received a text message.

      All I did was send one text to Phil saying, “I’m going to look at coming home next week”. Before I had put any real planning or thought into it, I received a flight confirmation Email. I got butterflies and another tear of happy ran down my cheek because I couldn’t wait to see my people and I didn’t have to debate going or not, my brother already booked me! This would have been days of, “what if? What about? What happens if? How can I?” Thank goodness Phil put me on a flight back to the USA just days before I would depart. [Side note: people say you don’t share your wishes with people. Birthday wishes, 11:11 wishes, shooting star wishes…but I’ve always been a firm believer in the more you share it with the more likely it is to come true. Like this thought of going home…sharing it with my brother is what got me home, he got me home. Thank you Phil, my heart needed that. Had I kept this thought to myself, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere.] I was beyond excited for a journey home to fill my heart up with all that I’ve ever known. So, I used my new mini adventure pack and flight benefits to take a quick trip home, to fill my heart with dog kisses, snuggles, a hug from my mama and a costco trip with chichi. Flights were filling up, so I ended up catching a flight the next day instead of in 3 days.

      My first flight was (business class) from Osaka, Japan to San Francisco, California. Yeah, you read that right, business class. Business class is the new first class. Holy smokes. Drinks, slippers, warms peanuts, seats that recline into beds and auto tinting windows! I was a virgin to this kind of service. When I was handed a warm washcloth, I was baffled. I had to watch the people around me and follow their lead. On the way to California I started Avatar, napped for about 7 hours (I barely made it to bed the night before departure) and then woke up in time to finish Avatar and eat breakfast.

      From California I went to Denver to spend a night with Phil. That was as adventure in itself, to say the least. My next stop, SPOKANE.

      I was home long enough to feel the heat of burning bridges and excitement of building new bridges. The time I had with my friends and family was exactly what my heart needed. I didn’t get to see all the people I would have liked to, but I did get to see most of the ones I needed to. It was we were kids again (although Kate just turned 29!). We had sleepovers at my parents’ house, played video games, stayed up late and practically jumped for joy when mom got home from grocery shopping (waking us up from our couch nap after an unbelievably long night).

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      I had 2 amazing massages, much-needed acupuncture, (Thank you WELLNESS TREE) highlights and more hugs in that week than I’ve had in 4 months. I got to visit my previous students and the most loving staff.  I spent most of Thanksgiving with my neighbor Liz, who I love dearly. She has been in my life since I can remember…maybe since birth. I also spent time with my family (2 out of 3 brothers) and started packing for my commute back home to Japan.

      My trip home reminded me how loved I am.

      My time at home has already come and gone. It’s hard to believe I’ve been back in Japan almost 48 hours. I started to feel a cold on Thanksgiving and by the next day, I felt like death. Phil and I both had (6AM) flights so we went to the airport together and shared a few laughs before heading our separate ways. The flight back was as glorious as the flight to Spokane, only this time my ears were hurting, my nose was running and my throat was feeling something fierce. I took advantage of the earplugs, hand soap and chairBED. I took $15 (airport) Sudafed every 4 hours even though it didn’t seem to help. I kept taking it just to keep myself from crying like a baby. I had 2 carry-ons and I picked up my 2 checked bags when I arrived in Japan. These bags were the largest suitcases allowed on aircraft and each weighed 70+ pounds. I was walking through the airport sweating from a fever or the intense workout I was achieving, happy to be back.

      In the airport, I was back to being a foreigner, hearing Japanese and smiling. I remembered how nervous I was the first time I came to Japan, just walking through the airport was terrifying, then. This time, I was able to ask for help so that I could get out of the airport as quickly and smoothly as possible. I would be taking the airport limousine back to the closest train station and from there catch a taxi. I couldn’t have done that when I moved in here. GROWTH!

      When I got to my mansion (apartment) I carried up each bag one by one. I thought about unpacking them at the bottom of the stairs, outside of apartment doors. I probably should have because carrying 70lbs up 2 flights of stairs couldn’t have been a pleasing sound to neighbors (between my squealing/grunting and the suitcase banging the stairs). I unpacked one suitcase, took Tylenol PM and hit the sheets because in 12 hours I would be riding my bike to work and I needed all the rest I could get.

      I saw maybe 1-2 people cycling while I was in the USA. Driving felt strange, exciting and new when I arrived in the US. Coming back, it felt awkward getting on my bicycle. My bike seat didn’t feel the same, it felt hard and uncomfortable. I got kind of use to driving everywhere again. There was snow on the grown when I left Spokane. When I arrived in Nishinomiya the weather felt perfect. I text my friend Yuko and said “It’s so BEAUTIFUL OUT”. She said, “It’s getting cool”. I thought, what in the world-it’s perfect. DUH, it was perfect, I was still sweating profusely. Later that night I realized my apartment was the same temperature as it was outside which was COLD. The day I left I had all my windows open. Now I have all my heaters on.

      Seeing the students in Japan made me as happy as visiting my students back in Spokane. It was refreshing to see their faces and here their hello’s. I missed being here. I missed the people, the culture and being a light in somebody else’s country. No matter where I am, I’ll always be missing someone, that is a part of loving. I’m empowered knowing that I’m never missing a “piece of me” because it doesn’t take another human being to complete the person I am.

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      Thank you Kate for the new vocabulary word

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      This may sound strange, especially coming from a white person so take it or leave it. When I arrived back in America, I was overwhelmed by the amount of white people I saw. The diversity in America is the only diversity I had ever known. However, it’s not all that I know now, and it was a strange feeling noticing this.

      Being in Japan has made my world so much bigger. I always knew I wanted to travel. I had no good reason for wanting to-I’ve just been drawn to it but too afraid. I’ve been to a few states in the USA. I noticed that people in Nebraska were more kind to strangers than people in Washington. I saw that neighborhoods in Arizona changed block by block rather than area by area. Denver has a faster paced life style. I’m always taking in similarities and differences between places and people. This is why I am supposed to travel. I needed to see that the world is so much more than the few states I’ve experienced. People are so much more than good and/or bad. Language is one way to communicate but communication is more than the words we use.

      My world, heart and mind are more wide open than ever and all of these will continue to expand, if I let them.

      For everyday, live and let live.

      illie

    • A little Sparkle in a Big World

      This blog is a bit scattered. My anxiety has been keeping me up at night and my brain has been running in circles thinking about issues close to my heart, problems close to the community and universal tragedies that I cannot change. This has been in the works for over a week now…

      Memories. . .

      I remember being eight years old. You were looking for something and you asked me to help you find it. As we searched-we went outside and down the driveway to your black car. You opened the huge door and looked inside while I stood in the grass, barefoot. It must have been late summer or early fall. I remember the cement being cold on my feet and the grass still wet from the dew. Although, I cannot remember what we were looking for I remember that you were going to be leaving for college…and you promised me that you would drive me to the ocean. I had never seen the ocean and you knew how much I would love it. Maybe I found what you were looking for and that is why you made me such a grand promise. 15 years later, we went to the Hawaii together.
      I was in 8th grade at CDA lake. I had a cricket cell phone which only received service if it was in the exact right location and position. I would use my friends mom’s phone to call and say hello to my parents. That sounds OUTRAGEOUS now. [I miss that.] I talked to my dad while I was there and he said that we got a new car. This meant the surburban was gone. The surburban housed many memories, hoopfests, and hours of Binger’s laughing, fighting and crying. It was a happy sad. A new family vehicle but the best family vehicle, gone. I remember that because it was an important moment in my life. Silly? Maybe. But my heart is usually the brains of every operation.

      Spread Sparkle

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      Last week I had a decision to make (to get pizza or make waffles). That decision was too hard for me to make so my mama made it for me, pizza. As I was waiting for my to-go order I saw a caterpillar inch worming along. I watched it crawling in that wave like way. I love how smoothly they move their bodies. As I watched I debated my next move…Do I let him stay in this restaurant and die or do I save its life. I realize I just used the words “save its life” in terms of saving a caterpillar…maybe you think that is dramatic but I think it is my strongest trait. A customer walks in nearly squashing this tiny, unnoticeable little fella. I squealed-because it made me sad to think of this caterpillar never getting a chance to become a butterfly. I disappeared behind the counter as I crouched down to get this furry critter out of there. My pizza was ready and the employee is saying “Rachel” as I’m trying to transport the caterpillar out the door saying “hai hai hai” (yes, yes, yes, I’m here). The man/lady of the hour made it outside. I hope that it becomes everything that it ever wanted to be. It came within a hair of losing everything-just a step away from its dreams being SQUASHED. Every day, humans crush each other’s dreams. My brother told me when I was a child that I couldn’t be a vet and guess what, I’m not. Not because he told me I couldn’t but because I believed him. There’s a quote that goes something like…if you think you can or can’t, your right. I understand this now. If you think you are going to fail, you will. If you think you are going drop out of school, you probably will. If you think you are going to miss the bus, you probably will. If you think you are going to be a doctor-you will work your tail off and do it. I’ve learned that this is called manifesting. Your thoughts create your life. When you change the way you think-you change the way you see things. Quitting and letting someone else tell you your dream isn’t achievable (and accepting that) is taking the easy way out. That’s the easy way-because doing what you want is harder than settling. You are the keeper of your own dreams. It does not matter what someone else tells you-even if it is out of a good place in their heart.

      Mad World

      I read the news from Spokane for the first time since I came to Japan. A CHILD in high school was shot and killed by a person my age, over a pipe. I nearly forgot that the world we live in is unpredictable, dangerous and ruthless. I don’t experience those events here in Japan. I take that back. It isn’t the world that is unpredictable, dangerous and ruthless. It’s the people in it and that’s a shame. I don’t believe that anybody wants to grow up and be a __________(Insert word whatever word you want-addict, thief, cheater, homeless). Those are not the dreams of a child. Life happens. People make choices at the time that they think are best for themselves. Days, months, or years later those decisions have lead you to your most frightening nightmare, a person you never wanted to be.

      I like to think that not only children-but all humans do good when they can.

      Where I am living, these senseless acts are less common. I wonder how that can be possible. Is it because there are less guns and they are harder to get? A smaller unemployment rate? The education? How are people raised so differently that they create a safe environment and community. Can that be learned? Can a place already filled with drugs, guns and crime ever become safe? In the United States unintentional injury and homicide are the leading causes of death among people ages 15–24. In Japan-suicide has become the leading cause of death for children between the ages of 10-19. Suicide is not viewed the same here as it is in American. It is not considered a “sin”. Samurai’s would do this to take responsibility for their life. Worldwide, accidents are the leading cause of death in adolescents, suicide follows, then homicide. Automobile/sports/swimming accidents …these are a few unintentional injuries I can think of off the top of my head-that are taking lives. Next is children taking their own life. I cannot find the words to explain how this makes me feel inside. Lastly, people killing people. The top three causes of death in children are preventable. Or are they?
      You see that is the scariest part of suicide in my opinion. Sometimes, there are no warning signs, no cry for help. Sometimes, you find yourself crying for someone who is gone because you had no idea that you (maybe) could have helped.
      School shootings is another thing I cannot bare to think about-but working in the USA it is something I am forced to think about.

      Learn from Love

      It is terrifying for me to think about how to protect my class (approximately 24 students a year) from the dangers and harshness of the world. Then I think about how terrifying it would be to a student or a parent of a student. The only people that love these children more than me-is their family. I consider my students, family. They know that I will take care of them, support them, advocate for them and I will always keep them safe. This feeling of security is not a part of my relationship with children, at first. I must prove, earn and work to show my students that I am a safe person. I am a teacher. My job also includes the fierce task of protecting my children from harm. I’m confident that my students would do the same for me. That’s what family is and that is how special our bonds become in less than 180 days.
      Do you know teachers are not supposed to hug children? My kindergarten teacher held my hand when I was the line leader, hugged me and I’m sure I even sat on her lap. My first and second grade teacher gave the best hugs. When she was pregnant my second year with her-I would hug her every day to make sure my arms could still fit around her. Did you know teachers are not supposed to be alone in a classroom with children? I used to go into my elementary school each summer before school started to see if I could help the teachers prepare. I saw my second grade and third grade teachers outside of school on multiple occasions and rode in their vehicles. These kinds of relationships are now prohibited. Not allowed. The relationships I had with my teachers are part of why I am the kind of teacher I am. These experiences helped me know what kind of teacher I wanted to be. In middle school I had a teacher that always said, “BINGER” and when he had a child he told me he was going to him to say “BINGER” for his first word. I loved him. And it was a HIM! Female students cannot create these kinds of relationships with male teachers anymore.
      My door is always open. Then I’m not in the room alone with anyone and everyone is always welcome in. I teach my students to ask each other “Do you want a hug” before they give a hug. Personally, when I am upset I prefer no hug. Rather than students getting mad that a student or myself hugged them, we first ask. I have had to adapt the rule: hands and feet to yourself at all times. After being in Japan I am disappointed in myself that I have become so strict with this rule. Children here mess around, rough house and have fun. However, they can handle it and it has not once ended in tears, a real fight, or a situation that requires discipline. Students need to be able to PLAY but I had to adapt the hands and feet to self rule because it helps us to avoid the majority of problems we face in the classroom.
      Without these restrictions on building relationships, I find myself laughing with students more than I ever have. We joke around, make faces, give noogies, pats on the back and the best part is, we are learning a foreign language from each other. I envy the interactions that students and teachers have here. Teachers meet the families, make home visits and even have meals with the student and their family. WOW. Trust me, I want to do that. While that may be an expectation for Japan teachers, that is a restriction for me. I want to do that but I am not allowed.

      Always on the Clock

      [These next few time sheets are according to my own opinion and what I have observed.] In Japan, teachers are at school what seems like 6 days a week, minimum. I can enjoy school, after school activities and weekend games because I want to, not because I have to. In Japan, if you are a coach/in charge of a club then your time to yourself is extremely limited, coming down to a few hours a night and maybe one day a weekend if you’re lucky. While I envy the relationships that can be made with students and their families, I’m not sure that I would thrive as a teacher here due to the demanding commitment. Don’t get me wrong-I invest my heart, time and love into what I do no matter where I am-but I need time to love myself too. The classroom schedule is from ~8:10-3:20 and there are 220 days of school. Students are at school from 7:30am-6:00pm (average-). Teachers are likely here even longer. Students pick one club activity and participate in it for the entire year. In Spokane, Classroom time is 8:25am-3:15pm. teachers are at school from 7:00am-4:00pm (average). Students participate in after school activities for 3-4 weeks, but it is no longer than a 1.5 hour practice with supervision. Of course these vary from school to school but I think it is a good estimate for what I have seen/worked. There are things I prefer about the education in Japan and the USA. A bled of them together would be perfect.

      Growth

      I was at the mall the other day. The mall that I got lost looking for (I wrote about it in one of my first blogs). I remember walking through that mall for the first time, laughing out loud because I had no idea where I was, people were staring at me, I was walking on the WRONG side of traffic, I was hearing a language that I knew none of and I was experiencing all of this at the same time, for the first time in my life.
      Recently, I was walking that same path. Going up the escalator I recalled how I had felt 2 months previous. Now, I can semi navigate my way through this massive mall and I can get home without my GPS. I’m still going new places by bike and I’m still getting lost. I recently found the quickest route to my new school after a week of riding the wrong way and crossing the same street more than once…
      My favorite food here is Gyudon. Rice with meat on top of it-in the most delicious sauce. Yuko taught me how to make it which means I am now using my stove. The kitchen is a whole lot messier now that I am using it.

      Children

      At school the students had a “Cultural Festival” at a University. Guess what!! No school buses. I took the train with staff and students! There were teachers at each train stop to guide students and PTA members too. On the way home teachers do the same and they even ride the train to the last stop to ensure children are behaving. This festival was a musical performance that all students participate in. There was a chorus contest between the classes in each grade, the band performed and the English club. There are eight classes in each grade (7 in third grade-which is 9th grade for USA). I’d like to be a musical/artistic person BUT I’m not. I love to listen to music but I don’t hear pitches or tones. My singing is the same as my talking voice-just a little louder. I worked up the guts to try out for a talent show when I was in 5th grade-singing a Blake Shelton song. I didn’t make it. HAH. I quit the clarinet in 5th grade. Maybe I didn’t enjoy it because I was no good-or I was no good because I didn’t enjoy it (which is a shame because my mom is beyond a talented musician). Now, I wish I would have learned the piano or flute. My drawing of an elephant is easily mistaken for a butterfly. These subjects do not come natural for me, leading me to take the easy way out by quitting and avoiding.
      Anyways, the band here is incredible. The band played their instruments, sang and even danced. I need you to see it for yourself because my words are not enough to make you envision what I saw. You can use your imagination and it won’t be as good as the real thing. The chorus was also phenomenal. When each class preformed they had one person from their class play the piano(!)-the talent these children possess is the most remarkable thing I have ever seen. These are children are 11-14 years old preforming with the grace, talent and courage equivalent to an adult.

      Today, I had the best day.

      I’ve always been the “adult” at the BBQ that sits at the kids table. Or the adult that suggests a water balloon fight, swinging at the park or hide and go seek. October 28th, I had the best day. I went to Kabutoyama and went hiking with Yuko. Many friends of hers also went (who brought their children). At our lunch break I walked out to play with the four children that joined our hike. I told them “Come, game, game, I’m going to teach you a game-sit”. From there we started with duck duck goose and down by the banks…img_1545

      img_1554We played this, laughed, fell down and this led me into teaching bubblegum bubblegum in a dish…how many pieces do you wish? That led into figuring out who would be “it” for tag. Again, we laughed, ran, and had the most intense game of tag I’ve participated in, in the last 2 years. (I still try to make it a point to play with my class in the USA-but we aren’t allowed to play tag anymore). Then we compared animal sounds, video game characters and hiked up a mountain. At the top of the mountain we played hide and seek, catch and I taught the kids how to put a leaf in between their thumbs, blow, and make the most ridiculous screeching sound. Next, we whistled while we walked, compared walking sticks and taught each other so many words (at least I learned a ton). That was one of the greatest days I have had so far in Japan. I was able to incorporate my childhood into the childhood of children in a different country. When we played these games it was as if there was only one language in the world and we all spoke it. That is why I had the best day. I played games and laughed with children who speak a different language. Children were able to play a game with me-a person who speaks a different language from them. I felt my heart grow bigger this day. I know that everywhere children play the same. That is one thing that never changes. But I too, play the same everywhere. My favorite time of the day is recess, when I go out and play with students. We play universal sports. But this day…

      I was able to teach children (ages 9-14) games I played at their age. Tag, duck duck goose…games have no boundaries or limits and games know no language.

      I knew children play, laugh, run and ride bikes everywhere…but what I never thought about is how anyone from anywhere can play games together everywhere. Say that 10 times fast.

      This weekend I spent a day with myself. I got on the train with no destination, GPS, or agenda. I rode until I wanted to get off. I spent hours walking the beach while listening to natives speak, waves crashing and the wind blowing. This weekend turned out to be a weekend full of self love.

      Oh yeah…mom life chapter of life went just as fast and surprisingly as it came.

      Culture

      Thinking about the modesty that I have seen here, I am shocked that Japanese are okay with public baths. Also, for how close people get on the train and the lack of space you have, I’m amazed at how little people physically touch! Physical contact is little to none but on the train I you can feel the warmth of their breath and hear the rhythm of their heartbeat.

      A few quick notes about differences I may or may not have mentioned before:
      Bicycles are ridden on the side walk.
      Traffic patterns are not all the same. People always drive on the left side of the road. However, depending on where you are at [in Japan] can change what side you walk on or where you stand on the escalator. USA-walk on the right side, ride your bike on the right side, stand on the right side on an escalator…all patterns follow traffic patterns.
      Junior highs/high schools have a pool.
      Chalk boards are used.
      People that are dating are referred to as “Partners” .
      The Goodwill of Japan is called “Hard off”…
      Public education is not free.
      There are heavy rain warnings.
      There are Pachinko establishments everywhere.
      Sleepy and tired mean different things here (I thought they were the same). Tired=drained and sleepy-you want to sleep. You can be tired without being sleepy and sleepy without being tired. MIND BLOWN.
      Japanese is written up and down and books are written left to right.
      Winker=Blinker. GUESS WHY?!?!?!?!?! Blinking is when you use both eyes. Winking is one eye. Winker=blinker. I think that is genius.
      Casual for Japanese=fancy for me.
      Everybody owns a suit.
      The garbage man still gets out of the truck and physically empties the containers.
      There are TOYS and play areas under “the bridge” (freeway).
      Alcohol/cigarette vending machines
      No ID checks.
      I’d be willing to bet 90+ percent of people own a bike.
      There are tons of parents in PTA here.
      I have yet to see people who dislike each other. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist-but people are respectful to one another.
      A good meal is cheap but everything else is more expensive.
      Amazon prime here cost 4 dollars a month!
      Netflix is different.
      There are movie rental shops.
      People complain less.
      I think more people here are married. Marriage seems to me more of a partnership-than love.
      No Bowzer. We call him Bowzer but they call him Koopa and Koopa JR.
      There are no “finger foods” you use chopsticks.
      Far more people are left handed/wear contacts and glasses.
      Our measurements are all different. Centimeters/inches kilograms/pounds fahrenheit/celsius miles/kilometers.
      In Junior high teachers move up with their children. They have the same “home room” for 3 years.
      The drainage system that is here would be a cause of death if we had these uncovered in the united states.

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      The bicycle parking situation is insane.
      Everyone backs into their spaces.
      Sports day/Cultural festival-huge days here and incredible. We have nothing to even compare to it. It is similar to maybe…the Olympics and the orchestra at the opera house.
      Bartenders can drink while working. You buy your bartender a drink as their tip since you don’t tip here.
      Remember when Chichi lost my keys during typhoon Jebi? Well…It cost me 40,000yen to have my locks changed. That is 400 dollars.
      Packages must be signed for-they will not be left.
      A bus ride costs $2.20
      There is secure wifi everywhere-so I have a pocket wifi I have to take everywhere.

      Happy (almost) HALLOWEEN! Mama had surgery and is recovering now! Missing fall at home!

      Go out and play. It’s good for the heart.

      illie

    • Beautifully Painful

      “There was a time when the world was enormous: spanning the vast, almost infinite boundaries of your neighborhood. The place where you grew up, where you didn’t think twice about playing on someone else’s lawn. The street was your territory that occasionally got invaded by a passing car. It was where you didn’t get called home until after it was dark. And all the people, and all the houses that surrounded you were as familiar as the things in your own room.” -Wonder Years

      I’ve been thinking about Kevin Arnold (I know Phil, you have too). If you don’t know Kevin, you should. I read this quote and it gave me all the feelings. When I think about home and growing up, this is how I feel. I was probably one of the last generations to grow up with this comfort, safety and freedom. The streets and neighborhoods were just a big playground. The rock wall, the curbs/cracks on the sidewalk, the shortcuts through the woods-I could walk these obstacles with my eyes closed. I miss that. Looking back can sometimes be harder than looking forward. I’ve been reminiscing-not purposely. Memories have been popping into my head and heart. Recalling events of childhood, there are memories flooding back to me. It is beautifully, painful.

      Kevin Arnold also said “Things never turn out exactly the way you planned. I know they didn’t with me. Still, like my father used to say, ‘Traffic’s traffic, you go where life takes you’ and growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you’re in diapers, the next you’re gone, but the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a time a place, a particular fourth of July, the things that happened in that decade of war and change. I remember a house like a lot of houses, a yard like a lot of yards, on a street like a lot of other streets. I remember how hard it was growing up among people and places I loved. Most of all, I remember how hard it was to leave. And the thing is, after all these years I still look back in wonder.”

      10/15/2018

      I am not scared or nervous about where I am going. I’m sad about what I am leaving behind.

      I identified this feeling for the first time today and now that I have…I see that this is how I’ve felt almost my entire life. When I was a child (single digit age) my dad would take us to Comstock, the public pool. My brothers and I would jump off the bunk bed and pile into the suburban. Sometimes, I didn’t go. It wasn’t that I was scared to go-or I didn’t want to go. I hated to leave my mom at home by herself. I wasn’t scared about moving to Arizona, I was sad about what I was leaving behind. I thought I was terrified to move to Japan…but turns out I’m not scared of what is to come, I’m afraid to lose/sad to leave people. But being sad to leave and having a hard goodbye is more heartwarming than an easy goodbye. An easy goodbye to me signifies a weak/nonexistent connection, a missed opportunity to spread sparkle and see the sparkle of others, or a chapter of life has come and gone where love was not present. A farewell only hurts when the impact of the person is positive (otherwise, why say goodbye?). I leave my first Junior high school in Japan tomorrow. Every six months ALT’s are switched to a new school. I’m not scared of where I am headed. I am excited to meet more students and staff. What is hard, is what I am leaving. I left the word behind off that time. When I say “leaving behind” it’s like I’m moving forward and the people who are staying are not and that is not what I mean at all. I am leaving a great group of humans and that is hard, no buts about it. I am leaving just as quietly and smoothly as I entered on September third. Thankful to have been at such a wonderful place.

      I remember distinctly as a child-my greatest fear was losing someone close to me. That still is my greatest fear. When I leave…I feel as if I am losing something. Even just going to the pool for a few hours-I felt like I was losing something when I left my mama home. I think it is the fear of missing out giving me anxiety because I haven’t lost anything while I’ve been in Japan, rather I have gained a whole new world. Maybe I overdid it on the caffeine today, my heart is pounding like the sound and rhythm of a runner’s feet hitting the ground as they sprint. Or, maybe it is just that, anxiety. I think I’ve got some feelings creeping up on me that I do not particularly like…I could listen to my intuition and let these feelings come and go as they should…but I know this will include tears and I just don’t feel like crying. Isn’t that strange? I know I am going to cry, I feel it, but I don’t want to. I’ve noticed the past week or two my emotions are riding higher than the high they usually ride.  I love butterflies-the kind you get in your stomach (doki doki). Butterflies are when a butterfly is in your belly flapping its wings, right? That’s what I believe wholeheartedly. It tickles and makes you nervous and it’s because something BREATH TAKING is on the horizon (something that makes you nervous-but the good/be brave/in love kind of nervous). The opposite, I have come to know are what I call “moths”. I’ve called them that for over a decade now. I imagine them to be just like butterflies but with thorns on their wings. When their wings flutter they give you a pain like sensation…a pit in your stomach. What scares me is when I get these and I’m not sure why. Our bodies are amazing. We can choose to listen to them when they tell us something-or ignore it. But for me-moths are like that red flag, they are a warning sign from deep within. I will be proceeding with caution but what I think is up ahead is a fit of sadness and tears and I will handle it with grace.

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      I got home from Okinawa yesterday. I’ve been wanting to explore and been too reluctant to go on a journey by myself. Like a teacher scaffolding a student…I needed some support before I adventure out by myself. I went to Okinawa (by myself) and stayed with an “online friend”. I’m laughing out loud. A person that I had only known through interweb interactions. I would never. But I did. It’s not some catfish deal. This girl, she’s the REAL DEAL.

      A friend from home told me, “You HAVE TO REACH OUT TO CHRIS, she lives in Japan!” The friends I have at home are the most kind-hearted, genuine and real people I know. With a high priority suggestion like this coming from a person I trust with my heart, I reached out immediately. Okinawa has also been strongly recommended to me so I started asking Chris questions about Japan and if I could come visit. I hadn’t planned it because I’m not a planner. In Japan-people schedule everything. I hope I become accustomed to this myself. I wrote Chris on Tuesday, asking if I could come Wednesday or Thursday to visit for the weekend-then I bought my ticket. Thank goodness Chris has some wiggle room in her life to accept a visitor on such little/no notice. Sachiko was gracious enough to give me a ride to the airport…she knew I would likely get lost and miss such an early flight. I do miss that 15 minute commute to the Spokane airport.

      Okinawa was completely different than [Mainland] Japan. The Military base, even MORE different than JAPAN! I’ve been missing gatorade, peanut butter, jelly, budlight, pralines and cream ice cream, burgers, the laughter and chatter of children, home and the company of sleepovers/family meals. All these needs got fulfilled this weekend and I got to see the ocean (and so much more). Chris and her husband have two daughters who are full of sunshine, giggles, the greatest vocabulary and the cutest brown eyes and personality. Each morning I had a friend beside me-ready to listen to Fancy Nancy. Each night I had a meal with wonderful people. I could write an entire blog about Okinawa-it would mostly be about the people because they were the best part of the trip. Okinawa was great too (even on the coldest days of the year, hah). It was the closest I’ve ever been to a rainforest. A few of my favorite things that we did/saw in Okinawa:

      Going to the beach in the rain. NO people, beautiful shells and blue water.

      Going on Base-walking into a store and laughing because it felt like I was at home and I was walking into SuperOne. I got some treasures to bring home (Gatorade mix, jelly, peanut butter, shampoo) along with souvenirs. I even used USD! That blew my mind. If I would have let it slip my mind, I would have thought I was in America. However, I was so excited that I was in Japan and seeing these products that I haven’t had since I left the USA.

      Clothing-I was able to purchase some regular sized clothing that didn’t make me feel like such a giant (although, with my calorie intake my size seems to be increasing, oops).  [You know-the people who love you, love you no matter what. They also think you are the most beautiful human being in the word-and your size has nothing to do with their view of you. That’s my favorite kind of love. Best friend/mama Love.]

      LUNCH: I ordered a burger, friend rice and WINGS and then paid with USD.

      Regular sized rockstars: 97cents. I buy the smallest redbulls/monsters you have ever seen here [Mainland], for more than 2 dollars.

      The trees-I love the trees. I saw a pineapple bush for the first time as well as lots of other tropical fruits-some that were as big as my head! I got to go into a CAVE and learn about Habu snakes.

      Touched a large snake. Let fish nibble on my feet. Walked barefoot in the sand.

      I collected beautiful shells at the beach. When I got home I was unpacking, (my shell bag was in the kitchen) I kept hearing the crunch of plastic. I thought that the shells were going to fall off the counter, so I went to move them. To my surprise-I became a mom, to a crab! I checked each shell before I decided to keep it, but I missed this little guy (sorry bud, welcome home).

      Turns out, being a crab mom is hard. I miss my Sawyer pup.

      Spinach pancakes. Bed time stories. Morning snuggles.

      Okinawa was my first traveling adventure, while abroad. I did it with the support of Chris and her family. I am excited to see what I “plan” or decide to do next. Thank you for letting me into your home and allowing me to spend time with your family. I have no words to show the depth of my gratitude and appreciation.

      Back to the basics

      I ordered a pack of bows. As you may know, I was obsessed with bows. Obsession is a strong word. Obsessions for me come out of nowhere and BOOM I am fixated on whatever it is and I WANT it and I NEED it. When I was 18 an obsession with bows began. I was walking through Forever21 at the valley mall. There were 5 bows/a variety of colors. I got one of each. That day I started wearing 1 bow a day. I rotated these bows daily and since I had 5 it got me through the school week and on the weekend, I would repeat. I started collecting bows. I have hundreds at home. I wore a bow in my hair everyday for the next 7-8 years. My best friend and I got matching bow tattoos, too. On days I didn’t wear a bow-people would ask what was wrong and they were right…something was wrong. I didn’t just stop wearing bows. It happened gradually, however I thought since I had one tattooed it still counted as “wearing” one. It was kind of symbolic of me losing my sparkle. The days wore on me and the bows became less and less until I was no longer wearing bows. I’m ready to get my sparkle back. I’m introducing bows back into my life (hair). My hair is the longest it has ever been and IT’S STILL SCORCHING hot, my hair ends up in a bun on top of my head by the end of the day. I do change my hair at least 3x a day-maybe not clothing but the hair for sure. Up, down, braid, bun, down, French braids back to a bun. My latest obsession is Edward Newgate from One Piece but I think I’m moving on. I want to buy a sewing machine-but fabric is such an expensive mania to support.  My previous passion was headlamps.

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      Have I told you how the children/staff take care of their school? There is cleaning time at the end of each day. It is incredible to see and be a part of this.

      Today, I got a hug from a student and a card from each girl on the softball team. Hard to believe we speak different languages yet we can communicate.

      My most favorite thing… I always use the word “sister” as a term of endearment. I said “hey sister” to a student and later told her why I said that. The next day I got surprised with a “hey sister” from that student. It made me about dance with joy.

      The way the students and the staff interact makes me smile. When I first started I was on edge every time I saw children goofing around, running inside, or rough housing. Now, I don’t even turn my head (unless I find it necessary). I’m accustomed to children not being able to touch, talk in the hallway, run inside (or outside for that matter). I’m comfortable with silent classrooms and eating/drinking during class. In Japan-students can touch, talk/sing/goof around in the hallway, run inside or outside, talk in class, but no eating or drinking.  Students have the coolest PE uniforms. It is their name-that their family writes on a piece of material and sews onto a shirt. I’m going to take a white shirt to school tomorrow and have a child make me one.

      The other weekend people were eating raw chicken. That goes against pretty much anything my health inspector brother has ever taught me about food. I was tempted to try it-but I was scared I would get sick before my trip to Okinawa. I have had more squid, liver, and heart. My taste buds are slow to adjust but they sure are.

      Children walk anywhere/everywhere at all ages, alone. I think my mom was walking me to school in kindergarten…these children-they don’t need mama to walk them. Siblings/families are not as close as I am with my family. From what most children say-they don’t get along with their siblings.

      Weekends are full of club activity. Some teachers work what seems like 8 days a week. Ok, maybe they have one day off-I applaud them.

      I am overly cautious. I know that. My best friend laughs at that. When we would have sleepovers in high school I would get up late at night just to see if the doors were locked, at her dads house. I still do that when I’m in the US. Windows and doors locked. I left my car unlocked ONE time in Spokane and it got broken into.  I have let my guard down a tiny bit (still making me far more careful than the average person) but I feel safe in my environment and that’s something I’ve never felt. Last week at the post office, I left my phone on the counter. I realized this when I got home. Walked back and guess what?! My phone hadn’t been touched. At home-it would have been gone.

      [2 side notes] 1. I am overly cautious because of my brothers, which is ironic because they are so protective of me. Before I could get out of my bed…(crib days I’m talking) I remember hearing a knock on my window, looking up and seeing a WEREWOLF. The shrill scream of my voice sent my mama in running. My brother had already disappeared-making it look like I was only throwing an overly dramatic fit. Overly cautious from incidents such as this-overly cautious from watching Freddy Kruger before I learned to write my name. 2nd I have sent a mass amount of letters out about three weeks ago. I’m going to be devastated if they don’t make it to Spokane/Texas. I hope they accidentally went SEA MAIL-and will appear this week. I sent my friends Kristy and Terry a letter my FIRST week in Japan…that still hasn’t arrived. I may need to start tracking what I send…especially when I am sending such a large amount of letters at once.

      When riding in a vehicle, I still walk to the (US passenger side) right front door which is the drivers side here. Watching a movie where people are driving on the left side-I feel naked…it doesn’t look or feel right. I’m adjusting to car life here.

      I’m cooking. This week I might turn my gas on so I can use the stove. Kind of want to see how long I can go without it…but I could probably go my entire stay in Japan. (HAH)

      Anything I cook is done by microwave/microwave oven. What I’m “cooking” is: rice, canned tuna/chicken, quesadillas and waffles (I should have smuggled some Ego’s/Pace salsa back from Okinawa). Cooking is an invaluable skill and I have yet to acquire it. Yuko did teach me to make fried rice but that requires a stove and so you can see why I’m not making that at this point in time.

      Snacks do not include fruit. Fruit is in its own category. (I think apples are a snack).

      Brothers/sisters and children/parents do not talk daily, sometimes not even frequently (few times a year). I always tell people-call your family. It’s important and at the very least it will make them smile.

      Moko, the darling who wrote the speech Actions Speak Louder Than Words made it to the NEXT ROUND! That means we will be going to Tokyo to support that lovely, most brave girl. I knew she would make it-PROUD OF YOU SISTER.

      I’ve been waking up before my alarm. I just started season three of Prison Break. My ability to tell the age of a person is completely skewed now.  I blame it on the FACT that people look on average, about 10 years younger than they are. I thought the guy in Prison Break was my age…he’s 47. I cannot tell the difference between 20’s and 40’s.

      I will start working out this week. My transit to school will now take about 25 minutes by bicycle, I guess that could be considered my work out. I’d like to start running again. After all, it is good for the heart, brain and body. We are crazy not to do things that are good for all three of those.

      I’ve encountered extreme kindness and friendliness. However, I do remember that there are rotten people. There are less unpleasant people in Japan-but they do exist. I’ve encountered a few.

      I was thinking about a “best kept secret” on my walk home today. You know what-I think I grew up the moment I realized that nothing is better kept as a secret. I was thinking of when this would be appropriate. I thought…maybe when you discover a delicious new mixture of food, an easier way to do your hair, the quickest way to defrost your windows…but when you find something great-you should tell the world because then other people will have something great too. To keep something to yourself that could benefit others is selfish-the dirty kind of selfish. To do things for yourself, that’s the kind of selfish people should strive to be. We have one chance to live out whatever it is that our heart desires. When I see people who aren’t doing that it crushes me. All people deserve to be happy and luckily we each have the key to our own happiness. People. People are never meant to be a secret. That will destroy a person quicker than the person who holds the secret. People cannot shine when they are kept in the dark. We are meant to shine.

      Halloween is sneaking up. Curious to see what will be done here. PRAYERS: Mama has surgery a week or so before Halloween-this year she won’t hand out candy. We have a tradition of eating chili and cinnamon rolls on Halloween. I hope that someone makes it for you this year Mom.

      Alright. Finishing an episode and headed to bed.

      More adventures to come.

      illie

    • How’s Your Heart?

      How’s Your Heart?

      How Are You? [The person asking (generally) doesn’t care what your answer is]

      I’m good, thanks! [The person answering is (generally) lying.]  How are you? [Automatic response with no regard for the answer]

      I’m good. [Lie because does that person care if you are having the worst day and you are holding back tears?] 

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      In Japan-there is no “small talk”. I have asked my friends-what do you say when you first see someone…It’s not, how are you. It’s a respectful greeting and then straight to communicating. No small talk…but when I am at the store it seems like the cashier says 1,000 things and I catch a thank you and your welcome somewhere in what sounds like never ending words. That’s what it sounds when you hear a language you do not know.

      Foreign languages. I cannot believe people can have entire conversations and I can have little idea of what it is about. I pay attention to body language and then I can understand about half of what is being said…just not through words, YET. 

      Spending time on something you don’t care about = intensely absurd

      When I go to a store in the USA, we have small talk to be polite. If you don’t want to talk, you still do it. It would be rude if you didn’t. That’s a bit crazy. [HOLD UP-In Spokane I have gone to the same grocery store since I can remember-those cashiers have seen me grow up. That’s not small talk. I love those people.]  Small talk seems to be comparable to busy work. It passes time by and is senseless and meaningless. I don’t know why this matters to me-we all have small talk (in the US), but I like that about Japan. You greet a person and then you begin your communications. No automatic “How are you” to begin each conversation. Everything is automatic nowadays [toilets, sinks, bicycles, doors, lights]. People ask how are you that as an automatic response in America…Yet, people are the only thing that cannot be automatic. We are not automatic and our conversations should not be either.

      The person asking generally doesn’t care what your answer is because we ask without thought-like a reflex. The person answering is lying because they know you don’t really care. What in the world. This is where we go wrong. Not caring how one another are doing. I’m guilty too. “How are you” can slip out of my mouth before I realize that I am asking a complete stranger how they are doing (someone that I will never see again…and this complete stranger just lied to me by saying they are good because who would tell a stranger their life?) I would.

      We have to share our life stories.

      I do ask “the question” by accident sometimes but I am trying to be intentional about listening to what the person says. If they say ok, I ask what is going on. Being okay-is similar to surviving in my opinion. If you are okay…you are only going through the motions of life-something is going on and you could probably use a friend.

      In Japan: okay=good

      For Rachel: okay=your heart hurts. 

      • Why in the world would we ask how somebody is doing-if we don’t care to hear the answer? I say we-so that you don’t feel so bad that you do this every single day. I say WE so that I don’t feel bad that I do it too.
      • Why is it polite to initiate a conversation that you do not want to have in the first place?
      • Why is it rude not to talk?
      • When you say “good” do you ever actually mean that you are doing good? Replying with good is automatic-there is nothing put into it. I have been working on being honest when somebody asks “how are you”. I am going to assume you want to know how I am doing if that is what you ask me. If you don’t want to know…don’t ask.
      • Aren’t we supposed to MEAN what we SAY and say what we mean?
      • How do we make every interaction meaningful?
      • Asking a friend how they are doing is not small talk. It is situational (I think).

      I want every single interaction I have to be positive. I want to improve the quality of lives. The lives of children, family, friends, even strangers. When I would be asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up”, I never was sure (until Mrs. Rypien changed my life) I just knew that I wanted to impact the world in a positive way. Maybe giving a compliment, a genuine compliment to each person would be a better way to start a conversation.

      I prefer to ask-How’s your heart. I want to know how your heart is doing (I know it’s beating DAD). If I asked chichi “How’s your heart” I can tell you right now he would say “beating”.

      Your heart is the chamber of your fears, happies, sads…the house of all your feelings. When I ask how is your heart-I want to know how you are doing as a person, how your life is, how your feelings are.

      I asked several people-what do you say when you are next to a stranger and you want to say hello.  You don’t.   What if you want to be their friend?   No-you don’t do tha. . .

      YES, I DO.       

      In America it is easy to start conversations and say hello to anybody. It would be strange to say “want to be friends” no matter where you are in the world…but I’m trying to be intentional with my words and say what I mean. I have used that phrase more than once and acquired 2 new friends through doing so. Do not confuse this with asking to be Facebook friends. I’m asking people if we can create a friendship-not if I can scope their Facebook page.

      Everyone here has been a stranger to begin with. Everybody is a stranger to begin. Strangers are just friends in the making, some strangers will even become your people. Except for the rare occasion when you meet a stranger that you need to run in the opposite direction from. That happens too. Trust your intuition with people-it is usually right. When people present you with a “red flag“, it is a RED FLAG-doesn’t matter who you want this person to be. Red flags = red flags [no matter how you look at it]. I’ve thrown more red flags out of my imaginary window than I’d like to admit. Red flags are warning signs or advanced notice of what is to come. WOW. We get warnings long before the person lets us down. A red flag is equivalent to a warning sign. Proceed with caution-danger is ahead.

      There is something to this. We could avoid bad situations, feelings, decisions by observing and LISTENING to the warnings. Therefore, it imperative to treat people with kindness and respect. If we treat people poorly, we end up being the person to hand out the red flags. The times I feel the most miserable/guilty are when I handed out my own red flag (giving warning to a person that I could be a terrible, harmful, insensitive or mean human). Looking back-I would have avoided every single life lesson I have learned, had I “seen” the warnings. However, you can’t see something if you don’t know what you’re looking for. As a adolescent I didn’t know that your actions were/are who you are. I still like to ignore the stupid flags-but I see that they are (mostly) accurate. I say mostly because I know I have thrown up my own red flags according to others…but sometimes we do make mistakes and do something that is out of character for us. This is not to be mistaken with judging, it absolutely is not judging. You are not making a decision about somebody prior to knowing them-or letting your opinion of them be swayed by something other than their actions.  Letting someone’s actions define them gives you evidence to support your view of them. Actions speak louder than words. Moko, a beautiful young lady that I adore submitted a speech to a university in Tokyo called Actions Speak Louder Than Words. I had seen this bag that I wanted a store within my first week of being in Japan. It said(says) Actions speak louder than words. I looked at it daily for at least 2 weeks. (At the time this was the only place I knew how to get to…so I went there every day!) I wanted it because I believe that to be true…But I didn’t know if 1,000 Yen (10 dollars) was in my budget when I arrived here but then… this beautiful human being says she is writing a speech called Actions Speak Louder than words. SAY WHAT! Being a person who is as sentimental as me-this was meant to be. Not only did I go back and get one of these bags but I got two. I knew that I had to get one for this person who also believed that actions are the single most powerful means of communication. This young lady has a heart of gold, like her Mama. These girls who were strangers to me 2 months ago are now my people. The people who I will be connected with for life. Soul Sistas. You are the company you keep. Back to that. Seeing the people I have in my life…I hope that I am the company I keep-because they are astounding. Stay close to people who feel like sunshine.

      Sports Day- Extraordinary

      In America we have NOTHING like this. Here it is called “Sports Day” A day that is all about sports. A festival that the entire student body participates in. Relays, races, dances, and marching. I could not believe the synchronicity, talent, strength and skill that these kids possess at such a young age. Everybody should see this at least once in their life. I loved it because I enjoy sports, but I do wonder how people view it that do not enjoy watching/playing sports. I just laughed out loud thinking about enjoying sports. A friend said to me, “I think you are boy-ish”. I didn’t know if I should take this as a compliment or an insult because being “boy-ish” is a perk of having three older brothers.

      Even if I did have a choice…I wouldn’t change a thing. Having three older brothers is the greatest gift I have ever been given. People often say, “you’re the only girl, that must have been terrible.” I cannot even comprehend where people get the idea that it could have been terrible. It was anything but. Many things I have learned in life have come in some shape or form, from my brothers. They have been my heros, hurts, saviors, protectors and a source of grief and happiness. I have never met any siblings that are as close as we are (especially with an age difference like ours). We have gone through events that some siblings/families go through. We have gone through some situations that other families have never dreamed of-but have seen in the movies. I’m not sure why we are different than most brothers and sisters. But we talk everyday, we rough house, we visit each other, we share our happies and our sads and sometimes we are each other’s happy and/or sad.

      Being an athlete myself-I’ve stayed to watch/play sports with the students. The coaches here put more time into their clubs than some people put into their daily job (in America). Club activities take up after school time and weekends. Dedication. In the United States we would have games after school that lasted until 5pm. Those were late nights for everybody (coaches and students). A normal day-practice was over at 4:30. Here practice ends at 6:00pm. Games are just “matches” the real games are the games that are played during tournaments, on weekends. We never have tournaments unless you are part of a team outside of school. Sports day was one of the coolest experiences I have ever had. I got to be in a teacher replay which nearly gave me a panic attack (I’m such a wuss). Good thing I didn’t know until RIGHT BEFORE it was time.

      Something I giggle about frequently…How many times I use to change my clothes during the day. When I was teaching in America, I rarely ended the day in the same outfit I began it in. I had enough clothes in my classroom to live. I would change because I was uncomfortable. Maybe too hot, too cold or was going to PE with my students. I changed at least twice a day. Here-the teachers change more than I did! Now I don’t change at all. Teachers wear suits-EVERYDAY. But during the day I see several switches. Anywhere from 1-4 or 5. Suit to gym clothes and back to the suit. Teachers here change because of the classes they have or activities they are doing during the day. The teachers have a locker room!  What I would wear teaching in America would not be appropriate here. It is much more formal. You should see the uniforms the students wear. They are so neat and tidy-boys with suits and girls with skirts and cardigans. No khakis and polo shirt. Some people never own a suit-these children wear one every day!

      Manners…Using my hands to eat…pick food up is a no no. (I can use chopsticks now). Luckily, I have the greatest friends so they just laugh and tell me that “manners” are a thing here and I should not do that. I would say I have manners. I always say please and thank you and chew with my mouth closed. I make a point to be kind to people and in a way, that is manners. Standing while eating might not be done by many but I do that often and it’s polite to sit. You know when you’re so hungry you grab a piece of pizza and eat it while standing? (Everyone does that, right?!) I don’t use dishes. I don’t enjoy washing the dishes so I avoid that by not using dishes. More people should do that. When I do use dishes, I do my own so nobody else has to. If everyone did their own dishes, there would never be dishes to wash. My dad-he always HAS to use a plate even if it is a meal that you get that is basically on a plate/tray. Most people use the paper that the TOGO burger is wrapped in as a plate (or is that just me?)…not chichi.

      Growing up, we did not eat at a table. I don’t think we could. We did it a few times a year and I’m pretty sure each time we did I ended up crying from being hit, made fun of, or from laughing so hard. Tom was/is notorious for hitting me under the table. When I was mad enough I would retaliate and then RUN for my life because once I got caught-my retaliation would be the biggest mistake a little sister could make. This didn’t happen because we had parents who didn’t discipline us. You’re thinking, wow their parents let them do whatever they wanted. No. Our parents are the most caring, supportive, loving, parents a bunch of little stinkers could have.

      We just had a hard time having all six of us in such close headquarters. Driving to Nebraska, from Washington, that was even harder than sitting at a dinner table together. Six people. Six Binger’s together-it was/is beautiful chaos.

      The mornings are cooling off. HAPPY OCTOBER! Time is going too fast. The one thing we can’t slow down. Typhoon #24 was yesterday. Number 25 will be next week. I ordered a mattress (expensive yoga mat) from Amazon.

      You may or may not know that I came to Japan to become the person I am meant to be. I did not like who I was becoming. I had/have a lot of self-growth and learning to do. Moving locations is only geographic. But moving countries by myself with the intention of becoming the person I want to be-that’s the roots of my heart spreading. It’s happening each day. I feel it. While my roots are developing I feel like the roots of people I love are shriveling. I hate that I cannot be there to love and support my people. However, I am here because I couldn’t continue to let my love and support for my people consume me anymore.

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      You know-a lot of hurt/hate lives inside of us? I’m thinking of a person right now that I dislike(d) very much. Not because I was jealous. This person was genuinely mean. When I thought about this person my heart would pound, instant anxiety. Now when I think of this person I feel sorry for them. I let them live inside me for months. I hated them, was scared of them and sometimes getting out of bed felt like a challenge/battle. This person wasn’t physically in front of me. You can’t hurt me if your not physically HERE. I had to let this idea sink in. Because emotional pain is different. But I don’t have to let emotions live in me. I’m still letting this idea sink in…but I’m learning that you will only be as hurt as you let yourself be. Pain is real. But letting pain make or break you-that is real thoughtless. A battle within yourself is the most tragic of all battles if you don’t win.

      I have never been able to verbalize these emotions as eloquently as a loved one has:

      “Is it impossible to embrace this miserable feeling almost like a rebirth and to be proud because you’re finally doing something you want to do more than anything…even though you feel dead inside? I feel old and tired like a prisoner of war. I hope this escape is final and for good with as few casualties as possible. I will fight with everything I’ve got knowing it will be my last battle. I’m not going into battle for glory, but for a victory at all costs…I hope to feel small but very strong feelings of victory as I know I am still standing although I am using a cane to do so…”

      People feel this way…but what the are they supposed to do when they feel this? How can people feel this, yet we don’t have access to the resources they need to go to battle. I’ve learned that my hurts are no deeper or worse than yours, just as yours are no more real, painful than mine. A situation might be worse for a person…but the pain they feel is NO different than the pain you feel. In my life-I thought I was the only one for a long time. The only one that had panic attacks, cried myself to sleep or had to start turning my phone off after 9pm.

      When I learned I wasn’t the only…it was a weight lifted from my shoulders and placed onto my heart.

      I couldn’t/can’t stand the thought of other people feeling that kind of pain. I’d rather have been the only one than to know there are thousands of people who experience the same unfortunate events that I have, every day. Our hurts are all different but what if our pain is the same? Wouldn’t it be a more caring world if we all knew that each person has pain as severe as our own? Wouldn’t that help make us more empathetic and sympathetic?

      When I think back to being 16, I was miserable. I think about the number of people I hated. I hated more people than I liked. I knew that these wouldn’t be my best days while others would never have better days. Some people don’t ever move past the hate, mistakes and regrets the make. I don’t think I would still be here today if I remained the person I was back then. [I had a teacher that saved my heart. Once this happened…I knew that I had to be a teacher. If I could impact even ONE life the way she changed mine…it would be worth it. Thanks Ryp. I love you dearly.] I’d say most people walk out of high school on the last day-the same person they were when they walked in 4 years previous. I walked out of high school a completely different person than I was when I started. Then-I went to college. I left there a entirely different person. I have yet to say I left, a complete-or whole person. With each new chapter in life I have transformed, developed and grown. I don’t think that I need to be “completed” or whole-I prefer to be a work in progress.

      Life is hard. Be kind.

      illie

    • Pandora’s Box

      09-18-2018 (I started writing…..9/21 I’m going to stop-it’s getting too long).

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      I am looking back at my memos from the past weeks. Every experience is still new and exciting. I’m still noticing similarities and differences in the people/culture/norms. I bet I will do that for my entire adventure. The hardest thing for me to grasp is the amount of time people spend away from home.

      We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are.

      When I see a Morning Glory I think of my mom. They resemble love to me. When a child here see’s a Morning Glory they might think of a summer break assignment. We view things because of experiences we have. We do not all see things the same. I bet very rarely do we actually see things the same.

      Pandora’s Box

      In myths the story goes that man lived without worry/hurt until a box was opened, which contained ills for mankind. Pandora opened this box because her of her curiosity. She was unable to stop herself from opening this box even though she was told not to. Once opened-evil was unleashed. She tired to slam the box closed but once opened the unimaginable evil (death, disease, poverty, depression, anxiety…) had already escaped.

      My brother taught me about Pandora’s box. He helped me create one. When he explained this idea to me…he told me that some things you have to learn to put into Pandora’s box. A box that is so STRONG nothing can get in-or out of it. This box (more like a safe) is to hold things that you never want to think about again and nobody else can be trusted with. He told me once you put the hurts inside the box, you wrap the biggest chain imaginable and put the strongest lock in the world on-and throw this box into the ocean where it can never be found again. Wow. What an idea that was for my 21 year old self. I didn’t like the idea. When I was younger I probably could have used Pandora’s box, but of course this life lesson came AFTER I needed it (I guess that’s how all life lessons are learned).

      [Side note: if I could be a teacher of life lessons-I would live to work. I thrive on life lessons especially when I can help a human learn one by sharing my own before they experience it. The hit isn’t as hard when you know somebody else has been there.

      Now that I’m “older” (I say older because I wouldn’t quite consider myself an adult YET) I don’t use Pandora’s box as a hurt trapper. Hurt in inevitable, unpreventable. I use it more as a processing tool…I store things in that security safe until I’m ready to take a good look at myself and the troubles. When I keep things in this box for too long-they come out unexpectedly and without warning and it hits me harder than a stack of bricks. I think maybe that’s when I sink into a funk and my anxiety grows as my mental health declines. A funk is an ugly place to be-and it can only be survived. Everybody has these stages. It can come with the change of a season, the loss of a friend, the opening of the box, or in the stages of processing. It can come out of NOWHERE.

      Of course as I have said before-I know I will always be okay. I have the gift of knowing deep down in my heart that I will always be okay. I am a Binger.

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      Binger’s are warriors and we don’t just survive, we fight. When I think of surviving-it makes me think that you are suffering in the process. Surviving is a beautiful thing when it is short lived.

      Life is not meant to be “survived” life is meant to be lived.

      Depression and anxiety, you SURVIVE. You suffer through it. It hurts. It can make you physically and emotionally sick-but you survive. If you are reading this-you have probably survived some serious hurt/pain in your lifetime. You have likely endured things that some people can’t even imagine. But you are here and you matter. You make a difference.

      I think about work. I think about working to live and living to work. I believe there is a balance. How easy would it be to lose yourself in the process of living to work? Maybe you have lost yourself. You might not even know it. People lose themselves every day and some are able to recover from this and others never realize the tragedy. Similar to an addiction, you can “admit” that you have a problem and begin the process of recovery…or you can put that feeling/reality in Pandora’s box, lock it up and throw it as far as you can. That box will open, you can believe that. You can choose when to open it or you can let it surprise you. You might not even know you have your own lock box-you do.

      I have not lost myself to work-but I have lost myself to a number of other things. Losing yourself in a book, a movie, a dream…I think that’s mandatory but losing yourself permanently is a living fatality.

      I like to keep Pandora’s Box empty. Proceed with caution-there is a time and a place that we use this coping strategy-I don’t think it’s the strongest strategy to use but sometimes necessary. Opening the box lets out your guilts, hurts, hauntings and mistakes/regrets. The only way to let go of these and move on-is to open the box and take them out one by one, before the lid BURSTS and you have no choice. My box is close to empty, if not empty. I prefer to have a joy box (I physically have a Joy Jar-I doodle down what makes me happy and drop it in the jar so I can read it in the years to come). I would rather have a box full of memories (the pure happiness ones and the events where a life lesson was learned). A box full of love, joy, the sound of giggles and the stories that make me laugh until I cry-every time I hear them.

      Japan

      Life post chichi is beginning to get back to normal. I’ve met some new friends, found a bar/café that I like and I’ve been staying after school to join sport clubs.

      School

      The students are talented beyond belief, neat and humorous. There are no scribbles on papers-or ripped papers, students fix mistakes instead of leaving them. These students are artists, athletes, musicians, readers, writers, geographers. That is a light list of what I see in children every day. The students smile. Genuine smiles. Students are excited to teach me words as I teach them words and this is the greatest part of the day.

      After school clubs are phenomenal. At home when I coach basketball or take part in any activity-I must be there the entire time and help students stay on task, make good choices, and encourage them to try their best. Teachers/coaches always had to do that when I was an athlete too. Here-the teachers are beyond busy. If they are unable to make it to the club-students practice as if their coach is there. The clubs run like a well-oiled machine. I’ve never seen anything like it. Students get to their club and begin practice. They keep the time and do drills as if the coach is there for every minute. I stop in and see the basketball players and shoot around for a few minutes. I smile as I stand there and watch these CHILDREN manage themselves as individuals and as a team. I never would have dreamed that to be possible. It is on the verge of magic.

      I’ve been joining the Softball Club. It has been 10+ years since I have played but it seems even more exciting and fun to play, now. Once again-we have a language barrier. I see what the girls do and I join in or I ask if I can play too. There are some leaders on the team who have great English skills. Thanks to them, I can participate more but I try to just join in and practice with them. When I can give advice/pointers I do-but these girls are as powerful as girls I played against in high school. I will be changing schools in a month. I am sad that I will be moving because I am starting to make relationships with children/staff and I would enjoy fostering these relationships (Of course, I’m excited to meet more students…but leaving has always been a difficult part of life for me).

      Humans

      Kindness makes you the most beautiful person in the world, no matter what you look like…Noriko and I had a conversation about this recently and how you can’t change your outside, but you can change your inside.

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      I had a new and exciting first experience this past weekend. My friend (Noriko)  is a Diver. It is her passion and she shared it with me. We went to Wakayama Prefecture and with Sun Marine Diving shop-I got to experience my first DIVE! It was frightfully, wonderful. The hardest part of it all which seems minuscule looking back…was breathing ONLY through my mouth. My first dive-I was so worried about breathing under water that I must have thought about that the entire time. My guide and my friend came by my side, held my hand, and opened a new world for me-under the sea. I was able to see coral, fishies, big ones and little ones and crabs J It was incredible. I am looking forward to my next chance to do this. My friend, Noriko, says that diving is about more than the underwater life. It is about meeting people and making new friends. That above all, was the best part of the weekend, the people. Let me remind of you of a small difficulty I run into daily-speaking a different language. With this challenge we were still able to communicate, talk, laugh, and exchange languages! Language is more than words.

      Diving is something I hope to do again. Another new world for me to explore. The world keeps getting bigger, which means I continue to get smaller!

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      In the USA it is all about being an “individual” and being different. In Japan it is about functioning as a whole. A system. I’m not sure which of these I prefer because I do love being my own special self-but making sure a system is working as an overall whole is a different way to look at things. Japan seems more team oriented-allowing members to learn the same skills in case they need to fill in the position for somebody who is gone. If somebody is gone-it may go unnoticed. In the United States-if one person is gone it could spiral out of control. It could be a teacher that is gone-In Japan, no big deal. At home-probably won’t be able to get a substitute so your absence puts responsibility on others. On a sports team if the point guard is gone-the game is nearly unplayable. In Japan it seems like just about any player could step up and play the position. I like the idea of functioning as a whole…but I hate the thought of each individual not being able to show their sparkle. It stirs up some feelings of being replaceable or dispensable (I’m an emotional overthinker) and it goes against everything I know to be true in that it shows how unimportant one person can be. Today I was asked what the best thing about the United States is. I think the best part is that I get to be myself-I can wear what I want and not worry about my tattoos/piercings. I am soaking up the differences between Washington and Nishinomiya.

      You are the company you keep. I thought this was absurd when I was younger. Now I fully believe this.

      A friend  hugged me this week. I can count the number of hugs I have gotten in the past 2 months on one hand-in fact I think I have had 2 solid hugs since July 28th. Holy goodness. Yuko and Sachiko continue to be a consistence source of happiness for me.  I know that if/when a “funk” hits-I’ll have the support of wonderful women. I am finding myself missing my Haha (mama) lately. She is going to be having a surgery next month and I hate to not be there for it. Prayers for my Mama, the more the better. I’ve met a friend with the same birthday as me. I love birthday’s more than anything so that was a special treat. People here refer to it as “destiny” or “fate”. Today I searched for a student to tell her happy birthday. When I found her, I could not contain my enthusiasm as I shouted “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” It felt like I was telling my best friend happy birthday-I was that excited about it. This is a student I have been able to build a relationship with. I knew I had to find her-because there is nothing more special than being loved-especially on your birthday.

      I had the pleasure of experiencing Karaoke. If you know me…you know I don’t sing…or dance. J If I am singing karaoke it means I need to get home ASAP. There are places here devoted to karaoke. Buildings with floors full of rooms-that you rent that have an IPAD where you select the song you want to sing. People here are so BRAVE and they really have no idea. The way the sing, dance, talk in front of people-I see people being brave all the time and I don’t think they have any idea how courageous they are.

      Missing my people greatly, with much love.

      illie

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    • I am Enough

      I am Enough

      9/7 I had my first classes today with 7th graders. Here they are called first graders. The differences between USA and Japan are unimaginable as far as education goes. I had imagined something different in my head I guess. Let me share what I have found to be amazing.  Students Stay in their “homeroom” all day. Teachers move around each hour. Teachers all are at their desk in the teachers room before school starts. This mean EVERYDAY the entire staff is together. This is built into their day. The principal starts the day and then grade level teams have their announcements. Instead of an hour staff meeting once a month or whatever we do at home-they have a quick 5-10 minute meeting every morning! Teachers eat lunch in their homeroom. Every day teachers eat lunch with students-in the classroom. This means no cafeteria or supervision from others. The school lunch is amazing. The students go get it in the kitchen, bring up pots and pans, set the desks and serve he food. The students have 15 minutes to do this. Those who do not have the job of lunch serving are able to socialize at this time. Then we all sit down at once and eat. After we have 20 or so minutes to eat the students then have 20 minutes of free time. That means it is a 50 minute lunch period. Students go outside and RUN, they mess around and hands and feet to yourself isn’t a thing.

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      The children here get to be children. They laugh, smile, rough house, and manage themselves. Students are chatty (at appropriate times) and they are respectful. Watching the way the students interact intrigues me. They seem to all get along…There doesn’t seem to be a “bully” and a kid that pushes each kids buttons on purpose. The students here remind me of my siblings and I. If you know how close I am with my siblings, the way we rough house and the way we joke-that’s similar to how the children are at school. It is INCREDIBLE.

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      Working on myself and I’ve been thinking about some of life’s most valued/unvalued thoughts (depending on the person you ask). People say “love changes” and I think I can agree with that to a certain extent. However, I’m not looking for a love that changes. I’m not looking for love at all. But it seems like everybody is always searching for a person to have in their life that they can lean on-when the only person you will ever have to depend on is YOURSELF. The love I know to be true is a love that CHANGES ME for the better and a love that remains the same even though everything else in life changes. Life changes not just through the years but even day to day. If life changes, people change, happiness changes…Love should be the one thing that stays the same. I guess when I say love-I’m referring to “in love” head over heals, crazy stupid love. Most people don’t believe in it. But most people also end up getting divorced, settling, or just being with somebody whom of COURSE they love, but they are no longer IN LOVE with. So it makes sense that most people don’t believe in it-most people don’t have it. Don’t sell yourself short. Every single person deserves to have that forever, crazy stupid love. If you don’t believe in it, I can assure you that you will never feel it/stumble into it.

      My favorite word: HAPPY.

      “…allowing happiness to change its form without being disappointed by the change; happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up.” Charles L Morgan

      Next thought…happiness. Happiness changes. Well for some people it does. When I was a child (probably like you) I’m sure binkys, bottles and my family made me happy. As I got older that changed a little bit. Friends, family, games, playing outside, looking for creatures, nature, a warm bath, those things then made me happy. Then I discovered more happies(!) driving, the ocean, traveling, relationships…If we all made a timeline our happies would change throughout different stages in life. My happies have not so much changed, just more things have been added to the list of what makes me happy. Different things have made me feel ALIVE at different stages in my life…but things that made me happy as a child still make me happy as an adult. When I say I appreciate the little things-that is what I mean. I’ve kept my excitement and happiness throughout my life as it was when I was a little. When I see an elephant, rainbow, sunflower or a wild outfit that I put together myself I still get silly excited about it. I did not purposefully keep my happies the same but I think that is what it means to be “a child at heart”. I get it from my mama (haha=mom in Japanese). That is what I appreciate/love most about myself+my mama and what I love most about children. Everything in life changes…but maybe it’s the abstract ideas/nouns/verbs that should remain the same-like love and happiness. Abstract because you cannot physically touch them. Noun because it is a thing-more of an idea. A verb because love can be something that you DO-it’s an action.

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      I hope is that each person reading this has their own happy. So many people lose their happy in the rush of growing up, getting a career, starting a family…Life changes but your happy MUST REMAIN.

      My brothers are older than me-by several years. When I was in elementary school my brother told me, “never wish to be older“. When he told me this for some reason I knew exactly what it meant. I knew that I didn’t need to rush to be in middle school, or high school, to get my drivers license, to graduate and move out…because once you start looking forward and wishing for the future…you miss out on NOW and the happies that are right in front of you. At the age of 8 some kids were wishing to be 16 so they could drive. I was wishing for a dog.

      At the age of 12 girls were getting boyfriends-I was putting boys in headlocks.

      Age 14 I was playing pranks with my dad. We were always driving around in the corvette playing fart sounds through the cassette tape we made off of the CD Pull My Finger (on the way to baskin robins to get ice cream). 

      I remember being at the ocean for the first time when I was 12 or 13. I watched the sunset over the waves at ocean shores and I promised myself I would never forget that moment and that sunset. Of course the colors have faded in my memory. But At that moment, 16 years ago I knew that I would never wish life away. For some reason I always knew deep down that I could never wish for happiness and love. When I would make a wish with a coin, on a star, or on my birthday I knew that wishes don’t manifest those types of joys in life. I also always thought that I SHOULD tell the world my wish-because the more people that know, the more likely it is to come true

      Wishing life away comes in many forms. Wishing for Friday. Wishing for summer. Wishing for Christmas/holidays. When you are too busy wishing/waiting/looking forward to these special things in life…each day loses its own sparkle/special.  Wishing/waiting/hoping/looking forward to the future…those are each a form of wishing life away. It’s fun to look forward to vacation or a friend visiting…but it cannot be the only “thing to look forward to”. Each day that your feet hit the floor is a day to walk out the door smiling. Who knows what surprises you will stumble upon today.

      Another thing I never understood was when kids became embarrassed of their parents. I never went through that. I still haven’t gone through that. I think it is a pretty normal stage that MOST children go through…but I don’t remember going through it. I also have some pretty incredible parents. I’m 28 years old and I think its hilarious that my dad waits at the bus stop for me after school and walks me there in the morning. How many adult children get that?! Most would be so embarrassed they would not allow it. I step off the bus yelling “CHICHI” which I have learned also means boobs. And my dad waves back “RACHELLLLL”. Then we laugh. I have always been proud of my parents because I think they are good people. I try to let my friends know them as well-because I think everybody should meet them. If you meet my parents-you can see where parts of me come from. I LOVE THAT. I love seeing siblings/families together and the resemblance and the quarks.

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      Last self care thought for this post…..Infinite worth. I am enough. I got this tattooed in my own handwriting because I needed a reminder EVERY SINGLE DAY from MYSELF that I am more than enough. I don’t need other people to tell me that or remind me…It has to come from within. This is one of my favorite Videos, by Kent Hoffman. If you can, watch it.Every single person you will ever meet has infinite worth. EVERY PERSON. One year I was having a hard time with my students and the way they were treating each other. We stopped in our tracks. In the time the children were in PE for 30 mintues I had rounded up a few people from around the school, in different positions, different genders and ages and made a plan. I asked these adults to come up with the best attributes of themselves and the worst. I shared that-I am a teacher, I have graduated from college, gotten my masters, I have failed classes, sometimes I wear my rain boots 2 days in a row, I have tattoos. Next up was our vice principal. He is a great man and he shared similar successes. Graduate, Vice Principal, awards, cannot remember his negatives…but throughout this lesson we all had different accomplishments we shared and different struggles.  At the end of this my class put the 5 of adults in order from the person who was worth the most to the person who was wroth the least. I asked them to do this impossible task. I had a few children who said-no, this is not possible. But I told them if you HAD to-where would you place us. Now-out of all of these adults my students knew ME best. I ended up being 4th in the line up. FOURTH. My students thought that others were worth more because their job was higher up, they were a male, they won awards, had a family…My students thought I was worth less because I wore my rain boots more than 1 day in a row, because I had failed a class, and because I had struggles in life that I was willing to share with them. The students for the most part put us into order easily. They knew who they thought was the best and who wasn’t worth as much…This put me in tears. As the tears started I told the students that we cannot be placed in “order” of who is worth more because EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU MEET HAS INFINITE WORTH. This was a new idea for me a few years ago. The students had never heard of this idea. I headed out the door for a moment while a friend finished talking about how people all matter, absolute. It does not matter your age, gender, job title, accomplishments, failures…It seems like these things would alter your judgement about a person…

      But every single person you meet has infinite worth. I am not worth more than a high school drop out. You are not worth more than the person sitting on the corner with a cardboard sign that says anything helps. Be kind. A person is a person.

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      9/10 School has been cancelled three times since I have started at my school. Typhoon day, the next day because there was no power and today due to heavy rain. I imagine this throws things off greatly for the teachers and their class schedules. This means I will not have classes today. I miss out on most conversations/meetings because my Japanese is SO BASIC right now. I have got to get studying and practicing more so that I can hold a conversation in Japanese.

      Bits and pieces and a few words from Father.

      Next week I will go diving for the first time. : O

      The cats-I cannot believe the cats.

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      My latest and greatest obsession…because when I get into something-I get really into it (like my Haha).

      Words of wisdom from father that come from the lessons he has learned here.

      1. Don’t ride your bike in the rain.
      2. Watch your step-watch your head.
      3. Have a good bike light, umbrella and hat. It took us 2 weeks, some falls and being SOAKED before we figured this out.
      4. Always secure your keys
      5. Ice cream is good especially the waffle looking ice cream sandwiches.
      6. Something is PROBABLY going to happen if the trains are not running and no one is out in the streets. Advice from his typhoon adventure.0bd3485eb2f442b059518eda3cccffbf1508130792_367_word-porn-quotef1f17471bf6f1af2b121fe44ffbabb8a--devil-quotes-insirational-quotesil_340x270.881079033_cscslargequote
    • I look for You in a Strangers Smile

      I look for You in a Strangers Smile

      I’ve talked to the stars since I can remember… about my life, hopes, dreams, family and friends. I am still doing this.

      Each day I am on an adventure. I still cannot believe that. I’ve spent many extra hours sleeping this week  and I hate to do it when there is this new world below my feet (but I must need it).

      I’ve had many adventures. I have to start keeping a memo pad so that I can remember everything I want to tell you! (notes/letters are called memos here)

      I have since taken my FIRST train ride, EVER. My friend took me to Kobe by train, where I gave in and bought a camera (instead of a sewing machine). You might not know this…but I am using an Iphone 4 to communicate and it is about on its last leg. Did you know people still had Iphone 4s?! I need to invest in a newer form of communication next. In Kobe we spent the day walking around, seeing magnificent views, shops and best of all I had the company of a wonderful friend. You can tell I am a foreigner on the train because I am the only person that has to hold on! 🙂 Kei also took me to explore a seashell museum and that is where I had my first sighting of the ocean (which is mostly called the sea here). This person has been the best guide, showing me new places and exploring things for the first time herself. We have laughed together, prayed together and explored.

      After this adventure I spent a day at a coffee shop in the mall. I spent hours writing letters and addressing envelopes. Check your mail 🙂 I’m still walking/riding to get lost until I am confidently finding my way around. I’m getting better. I’ve got a map that I mark where I am and where I’ve been.

      A wonderful friend has taken me out to eat squid legs, raw fish and lots of other very new foods [FOR ME]. Noriko has also taken me to see my first movie here in Japan and ordered me my first beer! Thank you for being such an incredible human, Beautiful Angel 🙂

      Yuko is a beautiful woman that lives here in Japan. She has shown me around the mall, come over to my home and invited me into hers. I got to have dinner with Yuko and talk for hours with her. She has so much personality and is warm like a ray of sunshine. She is the most talented, kind, genuine person with a heart big enough for each person she meets.

      I’ve seen the ocean TWICE and touched it once. It was the warmest water I have ever felt. The ocean is just as refreshing for the soul as I remember. Sachiko told me she finds comfort in the ocean because it is the only body that connects all of us. I’m pretty sure she is my soul sister. I never know how people take when I tell them that…because being my soul sister might be kind of scary 🙂 My friends are at the ocean in the states right now…and this water connects us. That is kind of a magical thought. Sachiko too, is the kind of person you want to be around and she is always making me laugh. Pretty special person-with plenty of sparkle to spread.

      I have to stop going to see my friend at the pet store. He has been there since I arrived in Japan. I would be his mom in a heart beat-but I cannot have pets here…and I have my Sawyer back home.

       

      It makes me too happysad to see this pup at the store day in and day out. As a child I would go into the pet store and look at all the animals. I would stop in front of them and promise them that they would find a happy and loving home. I promised this little guy he would find a home.

      (UPDATE: Because this blog has taken me about a week to write….I went back 4 days later, today, and HE HAS FOUND A HOME)! More HAPPPPPPPPPYlittlebitsad

      The other night when I went to dinner a family got up and moved after I arrived…which made me think it was because of me.The other day as I sat at the mall watching people walk by…I felt this overwhelming sadness/loneliness. A person was going to sit by me…but a seat opened up and he choose to move to that seat. As I sat at the mall watching people walk by…I existed in a world where nobody knew me, loved me, and life at that moment would be the same for those people with or without me. I felt like that puppy at the pet store. Maybe that’s why I cannot stop visiting him and why it makes me so happy sad. When I am still watching people and life move…that is the only time I feel lonely. Not when I lay in bed tossing and turning, or eat meals alone…Some people find peace in being still, but that is where I find loneliness.

      I know, I am enough so I can allow myself to feel these brutal feelings because right now I am finding my place in a new world. I can be whoever I want here…but I choose me.

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      This bowling pin!!! I had to add it. At home there use you be this Shilo Inn sign right off of the second ave freeway exit. You could see it on the freeway from a ways back. That sign was how I knew I was almost home. It was my landmark since I was little. This is my landmark here. Once I’ve got eyes on this-I know I am almost home!! It’s my first and favorite landmark so far 🙂

      I’ve found the ocean…my next adventure will be to the mountains…or maybe Osaka? I guess the adventure is not knowing what my next step will be.

      Think about you all everyday. I made a wish/prayer at a Shrine for the first time. You write down your wish/prayer and hang it up. I love this and I think I will do it often. Be filled with happiness and health. IMG_0232_edited

      illie