Just be

Tag: nishinomiya

Pandora’s Box

09-18-2018 (I started writing…..9/21 I’m going to stop-it’s getting too long).

I am looking back at my memos from the past weeks. Every experience is still new and exciting. I’m still noticing similarities and differences in the people/culture/norms. I bet I will do that for my entire adventure. The hardest thing for me to grasp is the amount of time people spend away from home.

We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are.

When I see a Morning Glory I think of my mom. They resemble love to me. When a child here see’s a Morning Glory they might think of a summer break assignment. We view things because of experiences we have. We do not all see things the same. I bet very rarely do we actually see things the same.

Pandora’s Box

In myths the story goes that man lived without worry/hurt until a box was opened, which contained ills for mankind. Pandora opened this box because her of her curiosity. She was unable to stop herself from opening this box even though she was told not to. Once opened-evil was unleashed. She tired to slam the box closed but once opened the unimaginable evil (death, disease, poverty, depression, anxiety…) had already escaped.

My brother taught me about Pandora’s box. He helped me create one. When he explained this idea to me…he told me that some things you have to learn to put into Pandora’s box. A box that is so STRONG nothing can get in-or out of it. This box (more like a safe) is to hold things that you never want to think about again and nobody else can be trusted with. He told me once you put the hurts inside the box, you wrap the biggest chain imaginable and put the strongest lock in the world on-and throw this box into the ocean where it can never be found again. Wow. What an idea that was for my 21 year old self. I didn’t like the idea. When I was younger I probably could have used Pandora’s box, but of course this life lesson came AFTER I needed it (I guess that’s how all life lessons are learned).

[Side note: if I could be a teacher of life lessons-I would live to work. I thrive on life lessons especially when I can help a human learn one by sharing my own before they experience it. The hit isn’t as hard when you know somebody else has been there.

Now that I’m “older” (I say older because I wouldn’t quite consider myself an adult YET) I don’t use Pandora’s box as a hurt trapper. Hurt in inevitable, unpreventable. I use it more as a processing tool…I store things in that security safe until I’m ready to take a good look at myself and the troubles. When I keep things in this box for too long-they come out unexpectedly and without warning and it hits me harder than a stack of bricks. I think maybe that’s when I sink into a funk and my anxiety grows as my mental health declines. A funk is an ugly place to be-and it can only be survived. Everybody has these stages. It can come with the change of a season, the loss of a friend, the opening of the box, or in the stages of processing. It can come out of NOWHERE.

Of course as I have said before-I know I will always be okay. I have the gift of knowing deep down in my heart that I will always be okay. I am a Binger.

Binger’s are warriors and we don’t just survive, we fight. When I think of surviving-it makes me think that you are suffering in the process. Surviving is a beautiful thing when it is short lived.

Life is not meant to be “survived” life is meant to be lived.

Depression and anxiety, you SURVIVE. You suffer through it. It hurts. It can make you physically and emotionally sick-but you survive. If you are reading this-you have probably survived some serious hurt/pain in your lifetime. You have likely endured things that some people can’t even imagine. But you are here and you matter. You make a difference.

I think about work. I think about working to live and living to work. I believe there is a balance. How easy would it be to lose yourself in the process of living to work? Maybe you have lost yourself. You might not even know it. People lose themselves every day and some are able to recover from this and others never realize the tragedy. Similar to an addiction, you can “admit” that you have a problem and begin the process of recovery…or you can put that feeling/reality in Pandora’s box, lock it up and throw it as far as you can. That box will open, you can believe that. You can choose when to open it or you can let it surprise you. You might not even know you have your own lock box-you do.

I have not lost myself to work-but I have lost myself to a number of other things. Losing yourself in a book, a movie, a dream…I think that’s mandatory but losing yourself permanently is a living fatality.

I like to keep Pandora’s Box empty. Proceed with caution-there is a time and a place that we use this coping strategy-I don’t think it’s the strongest strategy to use but sometimes necessary. Opening the box lets out your guilts, hurts, hauntings and mistakes/regrets. The only way to let go of these and move on-is to open the box and take them out one by one, before the lid BURSTS and you have no choice. My box is close to empty, if not empty. I prefer to have a joy box (I physically have a Joy Jar-I doodle down what makes me happy and drop it in the jar so I can read it in the years to come). I would rather have a box full of memories (the pure happiness ones and the events where a life lesson was learned). A box full of love, joy, the sound of giggles and the stories that make me laugh until I cry-every time I hear them.

Japan

Life post chichi is beginning to get back to normal. I’ve met some new friends, found a bar/café that I like and I’ve been staying after school to join sport clubs.

School

The students are talented beyond belief, neat and humorous. There are no scribbles on papers-or ripped papers, students fix mistakes instead of leaving them. These students are artists, athletes, musicians, readers, writers, geographers. That is a light list of what I see in children every day. The students smile. Genuine smiles. Students are excited to teach me words as I teach them words and this is the greatest part of the day.

After school clubs are phenomenal. At home when I coach basketball or take part in any activity-I must be there the entire time and help students stay on task, make good choices, and encourage them to try their best. Teachers/coaches always had to do that when I was an athlete too. Here-the teachers are beyond busy. If they are unable to make it to the club-students practice as if their coach is there. The clubs run like a well-oiled machine. I’ve never seen anything like it. Students get to their club and begin practice. They keep the time and do drills as if the coach is there for every minute. I stop in and see the basketball players and shoot around for a few minutes. I smile as I stand there and watch these CHILDREN manage themselves as individuals and as a team. I never would have dreamed that to be possible. It is on the verge of magic.

I’ve been joining the Softball Club. It has been 10+ years since I have played but it seems even more exciting and fun to play, now. Once again-we have a language barrier. I see what the girls do and I join in or I ask if I can play too. There are some leaders on the team who have great English skills. Thanks to them, I can participate more but I try to just join in and practice with them. When I can give advice/pointers I do-but these girls are as powerful as girls I played against in high school. I will be changing schools in a month. I am sad that I will be moving because I am starting to make relationships with children/staff and I would enjoy fostering these relationships (Of course, I’m excited to meet more students…but leaving has always been a difficult part of life for me).

Humans

Kindness makes you the most beautiful person in the world, no matter what you look like…Noriko and I had a conversation about this recently and how you can’t change your outside, but you can change your inside.

I had a new and exciting first experience this past weekend. My friend (Noriko) is a Diver. It is her passion and she shared it with me. We went to Wakayama Prefecture and with Sun Marine Diving shop-I got to experience my first DIVE! It was frightfully, wonderful. The hardest part of it all which seems minuscule looking back…was breathing ONLY through my mouth. My first dive-I was so worried about breathing under water that I must have thought about that the entire time. My guide and my friend came by my side, held my hand, and opened a new world for me-under the sea. I was able to see coral, fishies, big ones and little ones and crabs J It was incredible. I am looking forward to my next chance to do this. My friend, Noriko, says that diving is about more than the underwater life. It is about meeting people and making new friends. That above all, was the best part of the weekend, the people. Let me remind of you of a small difficulty I run into daily-speaking a different language. With this challenge we were still able to communicate, talk, laugh, and exchange languages! Language is more than words.

Diving is something I hope to do again. Another new world for me to explore. The world keeps getting bigger, which means I continue to get smaller!

In the USA it is all about being an “individual” and being different. In Japan it is about functioning as a whole. A system. I’m not sure which of these I prefer because I do love being my own special self-but making sure a system is working as an overall whole is a different way to look at things. Japan seems more team oriented-allowing members to learn the same skills in case they need to fill in the position for somebody who is gone. If somebody is gone-it may go unnoticed. In the United States-if one person is gone it could spiral out of control. It could be a teacher that is gone-In Japan, no big deal. At home-probably won’t be able to get a substitute so your absence puts responsibility on others. On a sports team if the point guard is gone-the game is nearly unplayable. In Japan it seems like just about any player could step up and play the position. I like the idea of functioning as a whole…but I hate the thought of each individual not being able to show their sparkle. It stirs up some feelings of being replaceable or dispensable (I’m an emotional overthinker) and it goes against everything I know to be true in that it shows how unimportant one person can be. Today I was asked what the best thing about the United States is. I think the best part is that I get to be myself-I can wear what I want and not worry about my tattoos/piercings. I am soaking up the differences between Washington and Nishinomiya.

You are the company you keep. I thought this was absurd when I was younger. Now I fully believe this.

A friend hugged me this week. I can count the number of hugs I have gotten in the past 2 months on one hand-in fact I think I have had 2 solid hugs since July 28^th. Holy goodness. Yuko and Sachiko continue to be a consistence source of happiness for me. I know that if/when a “funk” hits-I’ll have the support of wonderful women. I am finding myself missing my Haha (mama) lately. She is going to be having a surgery next month and I hate to not be there for it. Prayers for my Mama, the more the better. I’ve met a friend with the same birthday as me. I love birthday’s more than anything so that was a special treat. People here refer to it as “destiny” or “fate”. Today I searched for a student to tell her happy birthday. When I found her, I could not contain my enthusiasm as I shouted “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” It felt like I was telling my best friend happy birthday-I was that excited about it. This is a student I have been able to build a relationship with. I knew I had to find her-because there is nothing more special than being loved-especially on your birthday.

I had the pleasure of experiencing Karaoke. If you know me…you know I don’t sing…or dance. J If I am singing karaoke it means I need to get home ASAP. There are places here devoted to karaoke. Buildings with floors full of rooms-that you rent that have an IPAD where you select the song you want to sing. People here are so BRAVE and they really have no idea. The way the sing, dance, talk in front of people-I see people being brave all the time and I don’t think they have any idea how courageous they are.

Missing my people greatly, with much love.

illie

September 21, 2018
I am Enough
9/7 I had my first classes today with 7th graders. Here they are called first graders. The differences between USA and Japan are unimaginable as far as education goes. I had imagined something different in my head I guess. Let me share what I have found to be amazing. Students Stay in their “homeroom” all day. Teachers move around each hour. Teachers all are at their desk in the teachers room before school starts. This mean EVERYDAY the entire staff is together. This is built into their day. The principal starts the day and then grade level teams have their announcements. Instead of an hour staff meeting once a month or whatever we do at home-they have a quick 5-10 minute meeting every morning! Teachers eat lunch in their homeroom. Every day teachers eat lunch with students-in the classroom. This means no cafeteria or supervision from others. The school lunch is amazing. The students go get it in the kitchen, bring up pots and pans, set the desks and serve he food. The students have 15 minutes to do this. Those who do not have the job of lunch serving are able to socialize at this time. Then we all sit down at once and eat. After we have 20 or so minutes to eat the students then have 20 minutes of free time. That means it is a 50 minute lunch period. Students go outside and RUN, they mess around and hands and feet to yourself isn’t a thing.

The children here get to be children. They laugh, smile, rough house, and manage themselves. Students are chatty (at appropriate times) and they are respectful. Watching the way the students interact intrigues me. They seem to all get along…There doesn’t seem to be a “bully” and a kid that pushes each kids buttons on purpose. The students here remind me of my siblings and I. If you know how close I am with my siblings, the way we rough house and the way we joke-that’s similar to how the children are at school. It is INCREDIBLE.

Working on myself and I’ve been thinking about some of life’s most valued/unvalued thoughts (depending on the person you ask). People say “love changes” and I think I can agree with that to a certain extent. However, I’m not looking for a love that changes. I’m not looking for love at all. But it seems like everybody is always searching for a person to have in their life that they can lean on-when the only person you will ever have to depend on is YOURSELF. The love I know to be true is a love that CHANGES ME for the better and a love that remains the same even though everything else in life changes. Life changes not just through the years but even day to day. If life changes, people change, happiness changes…Love should be the one thing that stays the same. I guess when I say love-I’m referring to “in love” head over heals, crazy stupid love. Most people don’t believe in it. But most people also end up getting divorced, settling, or just being with somebody whom of COURSE they love, but they are no longer IN LOVE with. So it makes sense that most people don’t believe in it-most people don’t have it. Don’t sell yourself short. Every single person deserves to have that forever, crazy stupid love. If you don’t believe in it, I can assure you that you will never feel it/stumble into it.

My favorite word: HAPPY.

“…allowing happiness to change its form without being disappointed by the change; happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up.” Charles L Morgan

Next thought…happiness. Happiness changes. Well for some people it does. When I was a child (probably like you) I’m sure binkys, bottles and my family made me happy. As I got older that changed a little bit. Friends, family, games, playing outside, looking for creatures, nature, a warm bath, those things then made me happy. Then I discovered more happies(!) driving, the ocean, traveling, relationships…If we all made a timeline our happies would change throughout different stages in life. My happies have not so much changed, just more things have been added to the list of what makes me happy. Different things have made me feel ALIVE at different stages in my life…but things that made me happy as a child still make me happy as an adult. When I say I appreciate the little things-that is what I mean. I’ve kept my excitement and happiness throughout my life as it was when I was a little. When I see an elephant, rainbow, sunflower or a wild outfit that I put together myself I still get silly excited about it. I did not purposefully keep my happies the same but I think that is what it means to be “a child at heart”. I get it from my mama (haha=mom in Japanese). That is what I appreciate/love most about myself+my mama and what I love most about children. Everything in life changes…but maybe it’s the abstract ideas/nouns/verbs that should remain the same-like love and happiness. Abstract because you cannot physically touch them. Noun because it is a thing-more of an idea. A verb because love can be something that you DO-it’s an action.

I hope is that each person reading this has their own happy. So many people lose their happy in the rush of growing up, getting a career, starting a family…Life changes but your happy MUST REMAIN.

My brothers are older than me-by several years. When I was in elementary school my brother told me, “never wish to be older“. When he told me this for some reason I knew exactly what it meant. I knew that I didn’t need to rush to be in middle school, or high school, to get my drivers license, to graduate and move out…because once you start looking forward and wishing for the future…you miss out on NOW and the happies that are right in front of you. At the age of 8 some kids were wishing to be 16 so they could drive. I was wishing for a dog.

At the age of 12 girls were getting boyfriends-I was putting boys in headlocks.

Age 14 I was playing pranks with my dad. We were always driving around in the corvette playing fart sounds through the cassette tape we made off of the CD Pull My Finger (on the way to baskin robins to get ice cream).

I remember being at the ocean for the first time when I was 12 or 13. I watched the sunset over the waves at ocean shores and I promised myself I would never forget that moment and that sunset. Of course the colors have faded in my memory. But At that moment, 16 years ago I knew that I would never wish life away. For some reason I always knew deep down that I could never wish for happiness and love. When I would make a wish with a coin, on a star, or on my birthday I knew that wishes don’t manifest those types of joys in life. I also always thought that I SHOULD tell the world my wish-because the more people that know, the more likely it is to come true

Wishing life away comes in many forms. Wishing for Friday. Wishing for summer. Wishing for Christmas/holidays. When you are too busy wishing/waiting/looking forward to these special things in life…each day loses its own sparkle/special. Wishing/waiting/hoping/looking forward to the future…those are each a form of wishing life away. It’s fun to look forward to vacation or a friend visiting…but it cannot be the only “thing to look forward to”. Each day that your feet hit the floor is a day to walk out the door smiling. Who knows what surprises you will stumble upon today.

Another thing I never understood was when kids became embarrassed of their parents. I never went through that. I still haven’t gone through that. I think it is a pretty normal stage that MOST children go through…but I don’t remember going through it. I also have some pretty incredible parents. I’m 28 years old and I think its hilarious that my dad waits at the bus stop for me after school and walks me there in the morning. How many adult children get that?! Most would be so embarrassed they would not allow it. I step off the bus yelling “CHICHI” which I have learned also means boobs. And my dad waves back “RACHELLLLL”. Then we laugh. I have always been proud of my parents because I think they are good people. I try to let my friends know them as well-because I think everybody should meet them. If you meet my parents-you can see where parts of me come from. I LOVE THAT. I love seeing siblings/families together and the resemblance and the quarks.

Last self care thought for this post…..Infinite worth. I am enough. I got this tattooed in my own handwriting because I needed a reminder EVERY SINGLE DAY from MYSELF that I am more than enough. I don’t need other people to tell me that or remind me…It has to come from within. This is one of my favorite Videos, by Kent Hoffman. If you can, watch it.Every single person you will ever meet has infinite worth. EVERY PERSON. One year I was having a hard time with my students and the way they were treating each other. We stopped in our tracks. In the time the children were in PE for 30 mintues I had rounded up a few people from around the school, in different positions, different genders and ages and made a plan. I asked these adults to come up with the best attributes of themselves and the worst. I shared that-I am a teacher, I have graduated from college, gotten my masters, I have failed classes, sometimes I wear my rain boots 2 days in a row, I have tattoos. Next up was our vice principal. He is a great man and he shared similar successes. Graduate, Vice Principal, awards, cannot remember his negatives…but throughout this lesson we all had different accomplishments we shared and different struggles. At the end of this my class put the 5 of adults in order from the person who was worth the most to the person who was wroth the least. I asked them to do this impossible task. I had a few children who said-no, this is not possible. But I told them if you HAD to-where would you place us. Now-out of all of these adults my students knew ME best. I ended up being 4th in the line up. FOURTH. My students thought that others were worth more because their job was higher up, they were a male, they won awards, had a family…My students thought I was worth less because I wore my rain boots more than 1 day in a row, because I had failed a class, and because I had struggles in life that I was willing to share with them. The students for the most part put us into order easily. They knew who they thought was the best and who wasn’t worth as much…This put me in tears. As the tears started I told the students that we cannot be placed in “order” of who is worth more because EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU MEET HAS INFINITE WORTH. This was a new idea for me a few years ago. The students had never heard of this idea. I headed out the door for a moment while a friend finished talking about how people all matter, absolute. It does not matter your age, gender, job title, accomplishments, failures…It seems like these things would alter your judgement about a person…

But every single person you meet has infinite worth. I am not worth more than a high school drop out. You are not worth more than the person sitting on the corner with a cardboard sign that says anything helps. Be kind. A person is a person.

9/10 School has been cancelled three times since I have started at my school. Typhoon day, the next day because there was no power and today due to heavy rain. I imagine this throws things off greatly for the teachers and their class schedules. This means I will not have classes today. I miss out on most conversations/meetings because my Japanese is SO BASIC right now. I have got to get studying and practicing more so that I can hold a conversation in Japanese.

Bits and pieces and a few words from Father.

Next week I will go diving for the first time. : O

The cats-I cannot believe the cats.

My latest and greatest obsession…because when I get into something-I get really into it (like my Haha).

Words of wisdom from father that come from the lessons he has learned here.
1. Don’t ride your bike in the rain.
2. Watch your step-watch your head.
3. Have a good bike light, umbrella and hat. It took us 2 weeks, some falls and being SOAKED before we figured this out.
4. Always secure your keys
5. Ice cream is good especially the waffle looking ice cream sandwiches.
6. Something is PROBABLY going to happen if the trains are not running and no one is out in the streets. Advice from his typhoon adventure.
September 10, 2018
Chichi

One’s destination is never a place, but always a new way of seeing things

-Henry Miller

I’ve been in Japan one month. One month (a little longer now). It seems like I’ve been here far less time than that…and far longer at the same time. Feeling Opposite emotions is a hard one for me-similar to HappySad. School started back at home. I’m so thankful to be here…but it is hard missing out on some of my favorite people and students. Missing out-there’s that FOMO sneaking up on me again. Sending my love to my friends, family and all the kiddos that I miss dearly. You are so loved.

My dad has been here a week and a half. Chichi=Dad. I just want to share a few of our adventures…

TO begin, my dad has hit is head everyday, multiple times-on lights, cement, ceilings, cupboards…you name it he has hit it. I have fallen down several times and we have both run into a few things. I thought I was bad with directions…but it seems that I’m actually quite capable of exploring compared to some (chichi). 🙂 Just kidding, he’s doing great. Only two big crash/burns of him getting lost. Also-of course it’s nice to have chichi here. I imagine people think I’m incapable of taking care of myself-but I assure you, I am taking care of chichi. 🙂 If you are in Japan and you hear someone in the store or on a train/bus laughing you can probably bet on it being me.

8/24 Adventure #1 OIJ ZOO! Yuko-a dear friend took us to the Zoo by train. It was an incredible Zoo. We walked around Kobe after that and we saw a STING RAY in the ocean! An animal in its natural habitat-boy does that make me happy. Throughout the past two weeks we have been able to spend some time with Yuko which is nice. I am glad that my dad gets to meet the people I surround myself with as well as my friends having a chance to meet my dad.

8/25 Adventure #2 COSTCO….Sachiko-my other favorite person took us to Costco! We parked in a parking garage and rode an escalator DOWN with OUR CART! . Wowowowowow. I had to get some groceries because it had been 3 weeks and all I had in my fridge was water 🙂 You will probably laugh out loud at what I have now…Waffles, bagels, lays potato chips and bread. We got 1 bottle of syrup..kirkland brand…for $18! I know it is expensive because it is imported but HOLY SMOKES! Then my dad is over here using it on his waffles like its free. We enjoyed a costco hotdog and soda as we would do at home and the hotdog burps were no different then the ones you get from the Costco in the USA. We have now been to costco twice. Adventure number 2 included Sachiko taking us to the most beautiful river spot and mountain view. It was breathtaking. We rang the biggest bell I have ever seen and it sent the biggest sound waves. I’m surprised you didn’t hear it.

Our first 2 days we WALKED everywhere That was unbearable so adventure #3 was navigating to Yuko’s to pick the bike up without any technology. It took us an hour or so…the next day we also stopped at Yuko’s…this time it took maybe 15 minutes. Learning my way around is a process.

8/28 Adventure #4 Back to Kobe just my dad and I. We wanted to see if we were capable of taking the train. Turns out we are. (Kind of) We went to Osaka tonight and getting back was a bit of an exploration. Glad to have my chichi here to do these things with me.

We got Seitei by an amazing lady. It was acupressure / acupuncture, chiropractic work and some use of a lit herb on the skin. Fit right in with my crystal loving self. The acupuncture was completely different than anything I have had done in the USA. I had a two hour session and my friend let my dad take her session.

8/30 I ate heart and liver 😮

We have laughed a lot. I have cried several times from laughing so hard.

(9/2)We have been lost by train and bus. Today was the first time I thought to myself, “I am not having fun, this is not fun.” That would be when I was trying to figure out how to catch the bus to get to work. (Practicing of course). Got on the wrong bus. Tried to communicate using my undeveloped Japanese skills…. My dad came along for the ride. We have a lot of fun riding around, laughing, taking pictures and being here together. Always laughing and smiling.

Last night, bike riding we saw more wild cats. an unbelievable amount…I’m talking 15+ just in one area! It makes me really sad. But then at the pet store the animals cost $1,000+!

(9/4)Yesterday, Typhoon Jebi occurred and our biggest adventure of all. While I was at work (School was cancelled for children but teachers still go) my dad went out on an exploration. I left early due to the weather and when I got home chichi was nowhere to be found and I was locked out. I waited, looked, and tried to contact him for about an hour. To say I was worried was an understatement. The most powerful typhoon within the past 25 years was about to touch ground near us and I had no idea where my dad was.

Couldn’t figure out the pay phone. Tried several times. Ended up just waiting. Eventually as the rain coming down I see my dad about 4 blocks away…he see’s me too so he’s ringing his bell. What a RELIEF.

Chichi parks his bike-and the keys are gone. He had been lost for about 2 hours previous to getting home. So happy to be home-the keys silently fell out of his pocket at some point or were left somewhere when he stopped to ask for help. We ended up retracing his steps during the beginning stages of the typhoon. SOAKED!

Cutting this one short-we got home and inside just before the wind got extreme. There was some damage done all around where we live but we were safe and all was good.

The KIX airport is now under water…(think about that for a minute). Chichi will be staying until further notice. Many places are without power. Today the power came back on at about 1:00pm at school. The children came to school for about an hour before going home.

The children here have the biggest smiles and are excited. I love seeing the children here in their classrooms…it is just like seeing students at home in their seats smiling and giggling when they see a stranger peak in the room.

Here-the teachers move rooms-not the students. So there is a teachers room where every teacher has a desk. Students stay in their same classroom all day except for specials (PE, art…). Much different than school at home! Also-the staff and students care for the school and school grounds. They keep the school clean and cared for.

Lastly-this morning (morning after the typhoon) I was excited (wakuwaku) to get to school and I got out to the bus a few minutes early. I feel like I’m at home waiting for the STA to come. Well-I waited 35 mintues for a bus that comes every 10 minutes…………….. ……………………………….Started asking drivers on a different line where the bus was at…YOU GUESSED IT-it was out of service from the Typhoon. At this point I have 5 minutes to get to school. Thank goodness for Sachiko-she picked me up and delivered me.

Got a message from Yuko today, “You’re dad is here, he got lost. I told him how to get home.” Thank goodness he was able to find her house! Now my friends are all having snacks together with CHICHI and I’m at work.

This became too long. I apologize. This is my way of keeping my memories as well as sharing them. As long as they get-I know I will look back on them in years and smile remembering the adventures.

Sightings/experiences: lizards, cats, beetles, digdigs, fishes, stingrays, roaches, amazing stationary, beaches, rivers, Japanese TV, police stations, MANUAL buses and people getting off work at all hours of the evening, monkey/owl/hedgehogs at the petstore, Osaka, Kobe, Sannomia, trains, subways, buses……I am still quite the sighting for children. My dad is too.

Remember to be kind, especially to yourself.

illie

9/05/2018

September 5, 2018
Forever revolves around YOU

FOMO and decidophobia describe me. Now, that I think of my worst qualities…how they ask that in interviews-those are my absolute worst qualities.

“We walked to dinner, ate together, and talked nearly the whole time. I was amazed that I had as much in common with her as I did. I’d been raised mostly in a completely different country, yet we were so similar.”
― J.M. Richards

This could not be more true especially with the people I have come across so far in Japan.

Tom taught me about FOMO. Fear of Missing Out. The fear of missing out held me down my entire life. You know, the fear of missing out on…births, birthdays, holidays, celebrations, tragedies, memories, children growing up, but most of all missing out on TIME. Likely, time with you-the person reading this. Time passes too fast and time is the only thing that never stops. The thought of having a defined amount of time with people who I care about scares me deep down to the core. You could tell me I have 1 year left with my parents or 45 years. There is no differentiation in the way it makes me feel thinking about having 365 days with people I love or 16,425 days with them. If I could see the future, I wouldn’t. I worry about it so much though, you would think I already know what is to come. I hate to leave because there may not be a defined amount of time I have with the people I love…but there is a limit to the amount of time each of us has. How can something that NEVER stops [time] be LIMITED?! That cannot and should not be…but that’s life and that’s the danger in FOMO. It sucks you in and traps you. My biggest anxieties revolve around these thoughts. It’s not just because I’m in a different country. These are anxieties that I have every single day-no matter where I am in the world. I guess to me FOMO means-I have to live my LIFE while others [lives] will go on without me, as they should. But, I should too. I don’t have my own family (I have MY family)…so I feel like I miss out on home. But when I leave-it’s just me leaving so everybody who stays is with their families and grounded lives. They continue to function and they don’t have that feeling of “fear of missing out” because they remain in their constant, routine life. Maybe you do have the FOMO, but I don’t feel like anybody has the fear of missing out with me-and I have the fear of missing out with so many people…especially the children that are growing so much each day…

One of my favorite lyrics from the Insane Clown Posse….

“Enjoy youth, cause that you don’t get back! Forever revolves around you. That’s your time, I’m living in mine too
How much positivity are you blind to? You only live once I’ll remind you!”

– This song is called FOREVER. If you get a chance, listen to it. This was the first time I felt like it was expected that each person be selfish, because this is our only life. It’s your time and I’m living in mine too. That hits home for me. Forever-ICP

Decidophobia-the fear of making decisions. Also me. I’m scared to make decisions because I think about what could happen either way. The amount of situations my brain goes through- makes some decisions not worth making.

My dad taught me that if I don’t make the decision, it will be made for me.

From tiny decisions to the biggest of decisions. I’ve always preferred that the choice is made for me. However, that is one thing I hope to be changing. Now when I want to say no, I say no. Which I wish people here would do too. I hate the thought of people doing something they don’t want to-even though I did that for too long. The biggest decisions are the hardest. Those decisions I usually think about what I want to do-and do the opposite. Prime Example…When people say pick a hand…I will point to the right and and before seeing what is in it I will say I want the left hand. Or Visa-versa. Heads or tails-I might pick tails and then I do what Heads was for. Some might say its a quark of mine. I’m indecisive and I’m scared of making the wrong decision. Every single day I have these fears. Do you? Apparently, not all humans get these fears/yucky feelings. Some people make it through the day without worrying, overthinking, or contemplating every choice that they make.

If you are one of those people who walks confidently in the direction of your dreams…be kind. Some people have to find the courage to get out of bed each day or the strength to make it through the day. I don’t struggle to get out of bed…I struggle to go to bed. I don’t need strength to walk out the door-I needed strength to get here.

Now-I plan on making my own decisions and instead of missing out on your life…living my own life. I want to be happy with 1 day at a time instead of worrying about the next 365. Of course, that is easier said than done. Everything in my daily life is easier said than done. Japan was not an option for me. It was pivotal step for me to grow and it was the easiest decision I have ever made. “They say” the right choice and the easy choice are not often the same…in this case “they” were wrong.

If I could rewind life-like a tape (Little Eminem knowledge) …I would have started exploring the world much earlier. The world is HUGE and I have barely seen any of it…yet I’m overwhelmed with new experiences/people/norms each day! I’m thankful to be right where I am. I probably wasn’t ready for a journey like this until now.

People do not show emotion here. I am a walking/talking basket of every emotion. I show emotion. I’ve cried several times. People do not say anything-I think they are unsure of how to react when seeing someone crying.

Sometimes people stare at me. Sometimes I stare at people. I observe more than I DO so that I can see how things are done. I hear the less you talk, the better. But when I cannot understand the language that especially seems true.

Before I came to Japan I was told a few things. . .

People will touch you-and your hair. I have had less human contact in the past three and a half weeks than ever in my life.

People will stare-mostly the children stare at me. At home when I smile a children they smile back…I smile at everybody here and I find it special when people smile back-like we are made of the same cloth.

My newest and most favorite thing is ONOMATOPOEIAS!! In Japan, dogs say wan-wan…cats say nyaa-nyaa and when you are nervous (good like butterflies or bad like moths in your belly) it is doki doki!!!!!!

Japanese culture is work oriented-100X YES. I cannot believe the amount of time that the people here put into their jobs. That’s why I smile at EVERYBODY…because people have such LONG days…I want them to see one reason to smile (even if it is a foreigner that has no idea what she is doing or where she is going).

It makes me sad that people work so much. Fear of missing out is kind of related to the fear of being replaced. Everybody is replaceable (I don’t think so) but in the work place…if somebody leaves, they will be replaced. I hate that people spend their life working so hard that they lose their sparkle. If work makes you happy-GREAT but if you work because as adults we have to…you have to limit it. Work has to be limited because our TIME is limited.

I have not seen/heard much talk of mental health. It’s a pretty down low thing here. In the USA we are behind times with mental health…but as a teacher in the US, I talk to my students about their hearts, feelings, minds and how to keep themselves happy and healthy and what to do if they are not. I tell my students at home that I love them! Those children become apart of me-they change my heart and they need to know that. I don’t think that would be acceptable here (yet).

It takes generations to make big changes-but mental and emotional health is a change I will always be passionate about. Nobody wants/chooses to be effected by mental/emotional issues…Life is just hard. I hope to be a person here that people can be open and comfortable with. Comfortable enough to share emotions that they have never had the chance to identify or put into words. Without people to love and support me, I cannot imagine living a happy and healthy life. The United States is behind in my opinion…however, we rank number 38th out of 177 countries for our suicide rate.YIKES. It has impacted my life in indescribable ways and the loss of these people/children to suicide is the most heart shattering event. Japan ranks 18th on this list. Japan has one of the highest rates for suicide. It is the leading cause of death in people under 30. Most of the lives I touch here will be people under 30…this is why every single interaction with people is important…it could be life altering, for the better. People are special, especially children.

Children are not all given the same opportunities but I hope to help every child I interact with find their own special sparkle. Adults too, because sometimes we lose our happy wandering down the road of life.

I hope that I remind every person I come in contact with that they ARE ENOUGH. Life is hard enough without the pressure. Be kind to people.

My dad comes tomorrow. He helps me find my sparkle. I hope I remind him of his too. Missing my people, as usual but finding myself in the mist of missing you. I can’t wait to show my dad the wooded area, wild cats, the most wild kmart/ross/walmart like store and see how shy he gets when people talk to us and we both have no idea what they are saying. I’m looking forward to the adventures we will have. My dad will probably end up showing me around Japan-even though I’m the one that lives here. Maybe I can let him ride on the back of my bicycle. Hah.

I have about 2 hours until my first typhoon. I was out riding my bike and the wind about blew me off. 🙂 I was laughing as I rode thinking [great here comes fall number 2, good thing my bike insurance started yesterday]!! Most days I am riding along laughing and if not laughing, smiling. I had lost that and it is something I am so happy to have found again.

A few quick learnings/things I want to tell you!!!!

The toilet paper holders here are GENIUS, we are behind the times with toilet paper holders. Pretty much the whole bathroom experience from the “privacy sound” effects to the spray and wash is oddly amazing.

Kids play/laugh/cry and throw fits the same-everywhere in the world (I know, you knew that) but I’ve come to appreciate that.

I have a doorbell/speaker phone really at my apartment, like HAPPY GILMORE…

When you buy something-you bag it yourself at MOST stores. If it is bagged for you, the bag is tapped closed. Prevents theft. Wow.

You buy refills here instead of new plastic containers. (detergents, shampoos…)

You must carry 1+ towels with you when you leave out the door. Every part of your body will sweat and you will shower 1+ times a day. Once a month laundry is no longer a choice for me…it is more like daily (due to a far less amount of clothing here with me and far more amounts of stinky sweat). At home I could probably do laundry once every six months because I have too many clothes that I never wear. Here, I wear multiple outfits a day.

When you use a public bathroom, you can use one of your towels to dry your hands-no paper towels.

Bike parking-2 hours free is one of life’s little gifts.

I saw a building that said CHAMPION and I was so excited. I’ve seen some champion sweatshirts for sale here that I’m sure I still own back home. I rode my bike to this giant [champion] building. It was a place to play Pachinko (casino). Hah. Yet again, I rode away laughing out loud.

Clothing gear that is the freshest- Fila, Champion, Lee. Self explanatory. Oh, also OVERALLS which I don’t think ever went out of style. Obviously, because I never stopped wearing them 🙂

Hope this finds you happy and healthy and SPARKLING bright. Life is hard. Share it with people who make you feel good and it becomes easier. Find the magic in the people you choose.

illie

August 23, 2018
I look for You in a Strangers Smile

I’ve talked to the stars since I can remember… about my life, hopes, dreams, family and friends. I am still doing this.

Each day I am on an adventure. I still cannot believe that. I’ve spent many extra hours sleeping this week and I hate to do it when there is this new world below my feet (but I must need it).

I’ve had many adventures. I have to start keeping a memo pad so that I can remember everything I want to tell you! (notes/letters are called memos here)

I have since taken my FIRST train ride, EVER. My friend took me to Kobe by train, where I gave in and bought a camera (instead of a sewing machine). You might not know this…but I am using an Iphone 4 to communicate and it is about on its last leg. Did you know people still had Iphone 4s?! I need to invest in a newer form of communication next. In Kobe we spent the day walking around, seeing magnificent views, shops and best of all I had the company of a wonderful friend. You can tell I am a foreigner on the train because I am the only person that has to hold on! 🙂 Kei also took me to explore a seashell museum and that is where I had my first sighting of the ocean (which is mostly called the sea here). This person has been the best guide, showing me new places and exploring things for the first time herself. We have laughed together, prayed together and explored.

After this adventure I spent a day at a coffee shop in the mall. I spent hours writing letters and addressing envelopes. Check your mail 🙂 I’m still walking/riding to get lost until I am confidently finding my way around. I’m getting better. I’ve got a map that I mark where I am and where I’ve been.

A wonderful friend has taken me out to eat squid legs, raw fish and lots of other very new foods [FOR ME]. Noriko has also taken me to see my first movie here in Japan and ordered me my first beer! Thank you for being such an incredible human, Beautiful Angel 🙂

Yuko is a beautiful woman that lives here in Japan. She has shown me around the mall, come over to my home and invited me into hers. I got to have dinner with Yuko and talk for hours with her. She has so much personality and is warm like a ray of sunshine. She is the most talented, kind, genuine person with a heart big enough for each person she meets.

I’ve seen the ocean TWICE and touched it once. It was the warmest water I have ever felt. The ocean is just as refreshing for the soul as I remember. Sachiko told me she finds comfort in the ocean because it is the only body that connects all of us. I’m pretty sure she is my soul sister. I never know how people take when I tell them that…because being my soul sister might be kind of scary 🙂 My friends are at the ocean in the states right now…and this water connects us. That is kind of a magical thought. Sachiko too, is the kind of person you want to be around and she is always making me laugh. Pretty special person-with plenty of sparkle to spread.

I have to stop going to see my friend at the pet store. He has been there since I arrived in Japan. I would be his mom in a heart beat-but I cannot have pets here…and I have my Sawyer back home.

It makes me too happysad to see this pup at the store day in and day out. As a child I would go into the pet store and look at all the animals. I would stop in front of them and promise them that they would find a happy and loving home. I promised this little guy he would find a home.

(UPDATE: Because this blog has taken me about a week to write….I went back 4 days later, today, and HE HAS FOUND A HOME)! More HAPPPPPPPPPYlittlebitsad

The other night when I went to dinner a family got up and moved after I arrived…which made me think it was because of me.The other day as I sat at the mall watching people walk by…I felt this overwhelming sadness/loneliness. A person was going to sit by me…but a seat opened up and he choose to move to that seat. As I sat at the mall watching people walk by…I existed in a world where nobody knew me, loved me, and life at that moment would be the same for those people with or without me. I felt like that puppy at the pet store. Maybe that’s why I cannot stop visiting him and why it makes me so happy sad. When I am still watching people and life move…that is the only time I feel lonely. Not when I lay in bed tossing and turning, or eat meals alone…Some people find peace in being still, but that is where I find loneliness.

I know, I am enough so I can allow myself to feel these brutal feelings because right now I am finding my place in a new world. I can be whoever I want here…but I choose me.

This bowling pin!!! I had to add it. At home there use you be this Shilo Inn sign right off of the second ave freeway exit. You could see it on the freeway from a ways back. That sign was how I knew I was almost home. It was my landmark since I was little. This is my landmark here. Once I’ve got eyes on this-I know I am almost home!! It’s my first and favorite landmark so far 🙂

I’ve found the ocean…my next adventure will be to the mountains…or maybe Osaka? I guess the adventure is not knowing what my next step will be.

Think about you all everyday. I made a wish/prayer at a Shrine for the first time. You write down your wish/prayer and hang it up. I love this and I think I will do it often. Be filled with happiness and health.

illie

August 17, 2018
20 Seconds of Insane Courage

“You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, just literally 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you something great will come of it.”

― Benjamin Mee

I believe in this with all my heart. I have experienced it, seen it and remind myself of this each day.

My first week of work has come to an end. The past five working days I had “English Workshop”. This is when junior high students come to learn/practice English. There were 6 or so ALT’s and we each had a group of 4-6 students.

These children were able to communicate using English and make huge progress in only five days! The bravery and courage these students showed was inspiring. I could have only dreamed of being that brave, that young.

These students are learning a new language. I am trying to do the same. They were able to get up, give speeches, laugh, learn new words, and continue to try even when it was incredibly challenging. At this point in my life I am able to say words and feel silly and embarrassed without giving up…but at their age I wouldn’t have even tried. I am blown away by this. Insane courage.

I have been befriended by wonderful people. People that are helping me grow and learn about myself and Japanese culture. Thelma is my friend I ran into at the store-who showed me how to get to the mall. She and her husband live here in Japan and have been accepting of me and willing to show me some new things such as my first public bath.

This was such an experience…I really cannot find the words to explain it-but I will try. Thelma’s husband, Satoru took me (before we went in he checked to see if tattoos were okay). On the way there he explained a few manners and do and do not do’s. I called Thelma beforehand as well because I was nervous as ever. She explained to me what it would be like…but even listening I still didn’t understand. At home we have NOTHING like this…maybe a public pool…?

Anyways. It is exactly what it’s called. A public bath. A place where people go and bathe. My best night of sleep was to follow. It is a cultural experience. I was so nervous…now I am thinking about what it might be like to take a foreigner, with tattoos, to an honorary place. I wonder who actually had the insane courage here…me or Satoru. Such accepting people who are willing to introduce me to things I never thought I would do.

Another friend came and spent a day with me…teaching me some phrases, helping me with the buses and just talking to me. She’s got a special place in my heart…She took me on my first bus ride here-WOOOHOOO! We are going to go on some more adventures soon-she’s a great guide with the most genuine heart.

I have another friend here who I can call when I just want to talk or have a funny story to tell. Beautiful Angel I call her 🙂 She reminds me of my best friend-and I think she will be one of my greatest life long friends.

I am still walking around with a smile on my face. I love the feeling of seeing/experiencing things for the first time. Every single day I am doing things for the first time…like a child growing up. I am trying new foods, hearing new words, learning a new language and learning what is right and wrong.

I found a little wooded area near me. It’s more like a wild jungle. It reminds me of my brothers. We use to play in the woods at our elementary school. They would LOVE these woods. The tree branches twist and turn, the roots have broken the ground and the stumps are huge. The bugs buzz loud, the dragon flies fly thick and the feral cats walk through these woods like it is their own jungle and they are lions/tigers.

my brothers…

Tom would explore these parts day or night. He would be the best exploration partner. I can’t wait to adventure with him here.

Dave would LOVE the people and the culture. He would fit right in and he would try everything.

Phil-he would enjoy the food. He wouldn’t even be nervous to order like I am 🙂

The sunflowers remind me of my mama. I see her in every flower.

The athletic complexes remind me of my dad. He never missed one of my games.

The tiny pick up trucks-they remind me of you!

I wish you could be here exploring with me. The world is so much bigger than I imagined and as my world gets bigger…I somehow become less lonely. Strange, isn’t it?

These are just a few of the people who cross my heart each day here in Japan.

I have the next week off from work. I was hoping to try and get to Okinawa but I think I better just get familiar with my surroundings and the city where I live. I hope to see the ocean soon and make it to the mountains.

Tonight I have made it up until 11:50pm…all my family is getting up for work while I am turning in for the night. I think maybe I am FINALLY adjusting to the time change.

Remember…20 seconds of embarrassing bravery.

illie

Until next time

August 8, 2018
165 hours

I have nearly spent my first week in Japan (just shy of a few hours)!

The things I have seen, learned and experienced are beyond words. I find it hard to stay up past about 7:00pm. I wake up at about 5:00am and am ready for a nap by 10:00am. I haven’t eaten as much as I do at home because ordering is a challenge for me. Hah! I have eaten the majority of my meals alone and every single meal has been out (because I have to learn to cook)…

Saturday, I rode my bicycle to what I thought was the mall…where I ran into a teacher I had met just last week. That was a SHOCK because I only know a handful of people here and I have met them only within this week. I asked her where I was at and she informed me that I was at a supermarket…(I know…how did I not know the difference?) She pointed me in the right direction of the mall. Once I got there I was overwhelmed with stores, smells and sounds.

I spent a few hours walking around and wandering in and out of shops. The entire time I had the biggest smile on my face as I saw people going on about their days. I had a 20 minute bike ride home, maybe less. I was able to go meet with a friend at the mall later that night. However…the bike ride there at night took be about twice the amount of time and on the way home it took me at least triple the amount of time!!

I’ve officially been lost. I’ve also fallen off my bicycle which I had to laugh about. It reminded me of a bee sting…it’s just one of those things that has to happen every now and then.

Sunday, a friend taught me how to use the bus and find my way to one of the train stations. We spent hours talking and exploring. She helped me figure out things it would have taken me months to figure out. Thank goodness for nice people. Tonight, I walked to the supermarket and got an ice cream cone. Someone told me that I might cut down on my ice cream intake in Japan due to the taste…but the only reason I am cutting down is because you cannot buy quarts here. Walking to the supermarket at night is an ordeal for me…I might not even do that back home since I’m such a baby. I’m overly cautious and afraid of most everything but I’m discovering that a thought is just a thought and a thought can be changed.

The people appreciate when I try to speak Japanese. Sometimes I know I must sound and look like a fool…but I’m okay with that because at least I’m trying. I’ve always envied people who do what I am doing…it’s hard for me to believe that I’m living something I use to dream about. I look out my window from where I am sitting and I see a porch light blinking like it is going to burn out. It is the only thing I have seen each night that remains the same and I find comfort in that.

I have to keep my tattoos covered. I think that my tattoos are friendly and happy but tattoos are not yet accepted here. I cover the ones I can with clothing and the others with band-aids. I thought it was more of a “cover up for work” kind of thing…but it turns out it is better to cover them up any time I am out. When I walk out the door I begin dripping sweat so I wear two shirts now…the first is to absorb the sweat and the second is to try not to show the sweat. At home I swear two shirts just because it’s how I am comfortable…now I wish I could only wear one without it getting soaked. Once I walk in the door my clothes are off as quick as my shoes (which is at the door). I have so many updates I want to share but I cannot think of a way to string them together smoothly and in a timely manner…

To say the least:

The people are friendly, helpful and appreciate any effort I put forward.

The children are SO CUTE. Seems people love the word cute 🙂

Disney is big…and hedgehogs, I LOVE hedgehogs!!

The fabric is BEAUTIFUL and I need a sewing machine ASAP..

People take good care of their pets…

I went to the dentist last week which was a terrifying experience for me, only because of my past dental experiences. You see, I take care of my teeth…but if something is to go wrong, it will. At the dentist, a dear friend who took me under her wing the even before i got here, translated. As I was sitting in the exam chair hearing that my nerve was dying and I needed to get a root canal, the tears started streaming down my cheeks. I’m going to be getting a root canal…(TBD) I was too scared to do it then. I didn’t want to cry and it wasn’t because of dental care in Japan…I just cannot explain the amount of dental pain I have endured and the amount of time/money it has cost me. I hear the dental care here is wonderful- that will be to come.

Everybody at school does their part (I saw the assistant principal mowing the lawn last week, how amazing is that?!)

My bike was making a funny sound…so I was outside fixing it and a stranger stopped and tried to help me. The language barrier made it difficult but I knew he was asking if I needed help and I was able to let him know I had fixed it.

I have will have officially made it up until 9:00pm by the time I get into bed. The list of experiences I have had in a weeks time cannot be written or told. You would have to see it to believe it.

illie

August 5, 2018
Running on Empty
I have been in Japan a total of 4 days. Well, today is my 4th day. I know I will get busy soon and not write as much…but I want to remember as much of this journey as I can in the years to come.

I started work yesterday. First day in the world of bicycling as well… A wonderful woman who works here in Japan took me to set up a bank account and pocket wifi. Now I am able to have a device with me…which means I don’t have to worry about getting lost (YAY!). I have met incredible people here that have helped me greatly. I am extremely thankful to be in such a place…where people are willing to help even when they do not know me and have no incentive to help…This is my kind of community.

Today was my first day with students! The children are junior high age. The group I worked with today was incredible. Their smiles, effort, ability and happiness filled the room. One student in my group especially made me laugh. I met some wonderful ALT’s today too. They were extremely helpful, funny, and kind. One even showed me a burger joint after we were finished with our English Workshop…Mmmmmmh mmmmmh!

Last night I went to bed when I got home from work at about 4:00pm. I woke up at 7:00pm but went back to sleep. I am exhausted. I’ve spent the most amount of time in my room running the AC and my fans because by the time I walk in the door my entire body is dripping sweat…HEAD TO TOE dripping sweat. Today it says it is 91…but I find that hard to believe. With the 60% humidity…it feels unbelievably hot.

A few challenges I have had or am expecting are:
- Sleep/lack of energy…I guess I now know what Jet Lag is.
- shopping for groceries…I cannot read anything so if there is not a picture on the item I have no idea what it is.
- I need to go find sunscreen today-I couldn’t find it at 711. I walk to 711 every morning (I’ve been waking up at about 5-6am).
- the communication barrier makes me feel a little embarrassed. When people talk to me and I don’t understand, I feel bad, like I’ve done something wrong. As soon as I am settled in I will start taking Japanese lessons.
- BIKE RIDING! The traffic of walking/driving/biking seems to be random. I get scared I will run into something/someone. Everything is bigger in Texas…everything is smaller in Japan (vehicles, lanes, food portions).
- There is Baskin Robbins but there is not pralines and cream! : o
- you cannot buy a quart of ice cream…but the selection of a scoop size portion is unbelievable.
- The date is written differently (2018*08*02) and when writing my name it goes last name then first.
- I must cover my tattoos completely, each day. That means a bandaid on the forearm and on the ankle until I find something more appealing.
- The absolute hardest part of being here…is the love I left at home. Hearing from you makes me incredibly happy but it also brings tears to my eyes. I miss my dog and my people. I am enjoying myself so far…but when I get a phone call or a video chat…my heart flutters but I have to hold tears back. I hope that part gets easier…I’ve only been here 4 days-that part has to get easier even though I will miss you greater. I’ve always had a hard time with HappySads as I call it… Some people call it bittersweet.
Today will be my first time venturing home without guidance.

Looking forward to the journey-because now, even my ride home is an adventure.

illies
August 2, 2018