Just be

Tag: nishinomiyajapan

Pandora’s Box

09-18-2018 (I started writing…..9/21 I’m going to stop-it’s getting too long).

I am looking back at my memos from the past weeks. Every experience is still new and exciting. I’m still noticing similarities and differences in the people/culture/norms. I bet I will do that for my entire adventure. The hardest thing for me to grasp is the amount of time people spend away from home.

We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are.

When I see a Morning Glory I think of my mom. They resemble love to me. When a child here see’s a Morning Glory they might think of a summer break assignment. We view things because of experiences we have. We do not all see things the same. I bet very rarely do we actually see things the same.

Pandora’s Box

In myths the story goes that man lived without worry/hurt until a box was opened, which contained ills for mankind. Pandora opened this box because her of her curiosity. She was unable to stop herself from opening this box even though she was told not to. Once opened-evil was unleashed. She tired to slam the box closed but once opened the unimaginable evil (death, disease, poverty, depression, anxiety…) had already escaped.

My brother taught me about Pandora’s box. He helped me create one. When he explained this idea to me…he told me that some things you have to learn to put into Pandora’s box. A box that is so STRONG nothing can get in-or out of it. This box (more like a safe) is to hold things that you never want to think about again and nobody else can be trusted with. He told me once you put the hurts inside the box, you wrap the biggest chain imaginable and put the strongest lock in the world on-and throw this box into the ocean where it can never be found again. Wow. What an idea that was for my 21 year old self. I didn’t like the idea. When I was younger I probably could have used Pandora’s box, but of course this life lesson came AFTER I needed it (I guess that’s how all life lessons are learned).

[Side note: if I could be a teacher of life lessons-I would live to work. I thrive on life lessons especially when I can help a human learn one by sharing my own before they experience it. The hit isn’t as hard when you know somebody else has been there.

Now that I’m “older” (I say older because I wouldn’t quite consider myself an adult YET) I don’t use Pandora’s box as a hurt trapper. Hurt in inevitable, unpreventable. I use it more as a processing tool…I store things in that security safe until I’m ready to take a good look at myself and the troubles. When I keep things in this box for too long-they come out unexpectedly and without warning and it hits me harder than a stack of bricks. I think maybe that’s when I sink into a funk and my anxiety grows as my mental health declines. A funk is an ugly place to be-and it can only be survived. Everybody has these stages. It can come with the change of a season, the loss of a friend, the opening of the box, or in the stages of processing. It can come out of NOWHERE.

Of course as I have said before-I know I will always be okay. I have the gift of knowing deep down in my heart that I will always be okay. I am a Binger.

Binger’s are warriors and we don’t just survive, we fight. When I think of surviving-it makes me think that you are suffering in the process. Surviving is a beautiful thing when it is short lived.

Life is not meant to be “survived” life is meant to be lived.

Depression and anxiety, you SURVIVE. You suffer through it. It hurts. It can make you physically and emotionally sick-but you survive. If you are reading this-you have probably survived some serious hurt/pain in your lifetime. You have likely endured things that some people can’t even imagine. But you are here and you matter. You make a difference.

I think about work. I think about working to live and living to work. I believe there is a balance. How easy would it be to lose yourself in the process of living to work? Maybe you have lost yourself. You might not even know it. People lose themselves every day and some are able to recover from this and others never realize the tragedy. Similar to an addiction, you can “admit” that you have a problem and begin the process of recovery…or you can put that feeling/reality in Pandora’s box, lock it up and throw it as far as you can. That box will open, you can believe that. You can choose when to open it or you can let it surprise you. You might not even know you have your own lock box-you do.

I have not lost myself to work-but I have lost myself to a number of other things. Losing yourself in a book, a movie, a dream…I think that’s mandatory but losing yourself permanently is a living fatality.

I like to keep Pandora’s Box empty. Proceed with caution-there is a time and a place that we use this coping strategy-I don’t think it’s the strongest strategy to use but sometimes necessary. Opening the box lets out your guilts, hurts, hauntings and mistakes/regrets. The only way to let go of these and move on-is to open the box and take them out one by one, before the lid BURSTS and you have no choice. My box is close to empty, if not empty. I prefer to have a joy box (I physically have a Joy Jar-I doodle down what makes me happy and drop it in the jar so I can read it in the years to come). I would rather have a box full of memories (the pure happiness ones and the events where a life lesson was learned). A box full of love, joy, the sound of giggles and the stories that make me laugh until I cry-every time I hear them.

Japan

Life post chichi is beginning to get back to normal. I’ve met some new friends, found a bar/café that I like and I’ve been staying after school to join sport clubs.

School

The students are talented beyond belief, neat and humorous. There are no scribbles on papers-or ripped papers, students fix mistakes instead of leaving them. These students are artists, athletes, musicians, readers, writers, geographers. That is a light list of what I see in children every day. The students smile. Genuine smiles. Students are excited to teach me words as I teach them words and this is the greatest part of the day.

After school clubs are phenomenal. At home when I coach basketball or take part in any activity-I must be there the entire time and help students stay on task, make good choices, and encourage them to try their best. Teachers/coaches always had to do that when I was an athlete too. Here-the teachers are beyond busy. If they are unable to make it to the club-students practice as if their coach is there. The clubs run like a well-oiled machine. I’ve never seen anything like it. Students get to their club and begin practice. They keep the time and do drills as if the coach is there for every minute. I stop in and see the basketball players and shoot around for a few minutes. I smile as I stand there and watch these CHILDREN manage themselves as individuals and as a team. I never would have dreamed that to be possible. It is on the verge of magic.

I’ve been joining the Softball Club. It has been 10+ years since I have played but it seems even more exciting and fun to play, now. Once again-we have a language barrier. I see what the girls do and I join in or I ask if I can play too. There are some leaders on the team who have great English skills. Thanks to them, I can participate more but I try to just join in and practice with them. When I can give advice/pointers I do-but these girls are as powerful as girls I played against in high school. I will be changing schools in a month. I am sad that I will be moving because I am starting to make relationships with children/staff and I would enjoy fostering these relationships (Of course, I’m excited to meet more students…but leaving has always been a difficult part of life for me).

Humans

Kindness makes you the most beautiful person in the world, no matter what you look like…Noriko and I had a conversation about this recently and how you can’t change your outside, but you can change your inside.

I had a new and exciting first experience this past weekend. My friend (Noriko) is a Diver. It is her passion and she shared it with me. We went to Wakayama Prefecture and with Sun Marine Diving shop-I got to experience my first DIVE! It was frightfully, wonderful. The hardest part of it all which seems minuscule looking back…was breathing ONLY through my mouth. My first dive-I was so worried about breathing under water that I must have thought about that the entire time. My guide and my friend came by my side, held my hand, and opened a new world for me-under the sea. I was able to see coral, fishies, big ones and little ones and crabs J It was incredible. I am looking forward to my next chance to do this. My friend, Noriko, says that diving is about more than the underwater life. It is about meeting people and making new friends. That above all, was the best part of the weekend, the people. Let me remind of you of a small difficulty I run into daily-speaking a different language. With this challenge we were still able to communicate, talk, laugh, and exchange languages! Language is more than words.

Diving is something I hope to do again. Another new world for me to explore. The world keeps getting bigger, which means I continue to get smaller!

In the USA it is all about being an “individual” and being different. In Japan it is about functioning as a whole. A system. I’m not sure which of these I prefer because I do love being my own special self-but making sure a system is working as an overall whole is a different way to look at things. Japan seems more team oriented-allowing members to learn the same skills in case they need to fill in the position for somebody who is gone. If somebody is gone-it may go unnoticed. In the United States-if one person is gone it could spiral out of control. It could be a teacher that is gone-In Japan, no big deal. At home-probably won’t be able to get a substitute so your absence puts responsibility on others. On a sports team if the point guard is gone-the game is nearly unplayable. In Japan it seems like just about any player could step up and play the position. I like the idea of functioning as a whole…but I hate the thought of each individual not being able to show their sparkle. It stirs up some feelings of being replaceable or dispensable (I’m an emotional overthinker) and it goes against everything I know to be true in that it shows how unimportant one person can be. Today I was asked what the best thing about the United States is. I think the best part is that I get to be myself-I can wear what I want and not worry about my tattoos/piercings. I am soaking up the differences between Washington and Nishinomiya.

You are the company you keep. I thought this was absurd when I was younger. Now I fully believe this.

A friend hugged me this week. I can count the number of hugs I have gotten in the past 2 months on one hand-in fact I think I have had 2 solid hugs since July 28^th. Holy goodness. Yuko and Sachiko continue to be a consistence source of happiness for me. I know that if/when a “funk” hits-I’ll have the support of wonderful women. I am finding myself missing my Haha (mama) lately. She is going to be having a surgery next month and I hate to not be there for it. Prayers for my Mama, the more the better. I’ve met a friend with the same birthday as me. I love birthday’s more than anything so that was a special treat. People here refer to it as “destiny” or “fate”. Today I searched for a student to tell her happy birthday. When I found her, I could not contain my enthusiasm as I shouted “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” It felt like I was telling my best friend happy birthday-I was that excited about it. This is a student I have been able to build a relationship with. I knew I had to find her-because there is nothing more special than being loved-especially on your birthday.

I had the pleasure of experiencing Karaoke. If you know me…you know I don’t sing…or dance. J If I am singing karaoke it means I need to get home ASAP. There are places here devoted to karaoke. Buildings with floors full of rooms-that you rent that have an IPAD where you select the song you want to sing. People here are so BRAVE and they really have no idea. The way the sing, dance, talk in front of people-I see people being brave all the time and I don’t think they have any idea how courageous they are.

Missing my people greatly, with much love.

illie

September 21, 2018
Forever revolves around YOU

FOMO and decidophobia describe me. Now, that I think of my worst qualities…how they ask that in interviews-those are my absolute worst qualities.

“We walked to dinner, ate together, and talked nearly the whole time. I was amazed that I had as much in common with her as I did. I’d been raised mostly in a completely different country, yet we were so similar.”
― J.M. Richards

This could not be more true especially with the people I have come across so far in Japan.

Tom taught me about FOMO. Fear of Missing Out. The fear of missing out held me down my entire life. You know, the fear of missing out on…births, birthdays, holidays, celebrations, tragedies, memories, children growing up, but most of all missing out on TIME. Likely, time with you-the person reading this. Time passes too fast and time is the only thing that never stops. The thought of having a defined amount of time with people who I care about scares me deep down to the core. You could tell me I have 1 year left with my parents or 45 years. There is no differentiation in the way it makes me feel thinking about having 365 days with people I love or 16,425 days with them. If I could see the future, I wouldn’t. I worry about it so much though, you would think I already know what is to come. I hate to leave because there may not be a defined amount of time I have with the people I love…but there is a limit to the amount of time each of us has. How can something that NEVER stops [time] be LIMITED?! That cannot and should not be…but that’s life and that’s the danger in FOMO. It sucks you in and traps you. My biggest anxieties revolve around these thoughts. It’s not just because I’m in a different country. These are anxieties that I have every single day-no matter where I am in the world. I guess to me FOMO means-I have to live my LIFE while others [lives] will go on without me, as they should. But, I should too. I don’t have my own family (I have MY family)…so I feel like I miss out on home. But when I leave-it’s just me leaving so everybody who stays is with their families and grounded lives. They continue to function and they don’t have that feeling of “fear of missing out” because they remain in their constant, routine life. Maybe you do have the FOMO, but I don’t feel like anybody has the fear of missing out with me-and I have the fear of missing out with so many people…especially the children that are growing so much each day…

One of my favorite lyrics from the Insane Clown Posse….

“Enjoy youth, cause that you don’t get back! Forever revolves around you. That’s your time, I’m living in mine too
How much positivity are you blind to? You only live once I’ll remind you!”

– This song is called FOREVER. If you get a chance, listen to it. This was the first time I felt like it was expected that each person be selfish, because this is our only life. It’s your time and I’m living in mine too. That hits home for me. Forever-ICP

Decidophobia-the fear of making decisions. Also me. I’m scared to make decisions because I think about what could happen either way. The amount of situations my brain goes through- makes some decisions not worth making.

My dad taught me that if I don’t make the decision, it will be made for me.

From tiny decisions to the biggest of decisions. I’ve always preferred that the choice is made for me. However, that is one thing I hope to be changing. Now when I want to say no, I say no. Which I wish people here would do too. I hate the thought of people doing something they don’t want to-even though I did that for too long. The biggest decisions are the hardest. Those decisions I usually think about what I want to do-and do the opposite. Prime Example…When people say pick a hand…I will point to the right and and before seeing what is in it I will say I want the left hand. Or Visa-versa. Heads or tails-I might pick tails and then I do what Heads was for. Some might say its a quark of mine. I’m indecisive and I’m scared of making the wrong decision. Every single day I have these fears. Do you? Apparently, not all humans get these fears/yucky feelings. Some people make it through the day without worrying, overthinking, or contemplating every choice that they make.

If you are one of those people who walks confidently in the direction of your dreams…be kind. Some people have to find the courage to get out of bed each day or the strength to make it through the day. I don’t struggle to get out of bed…I struggle to go to bed. I don’t need strength to walk out the door-I needed strength to get here.

Now-I plan on making my own decisions and instead of missing out on your life…living my own life. I want to be happy with 1 day at a time instead of worrying about the next 365. Of course, that is easier said than done. Everything in my daily life is easier said than done. Japan was not an option for me. It was pivotal step for me to grow and it was the easiest decision I have ever made. “They say” the right choice and the easy choice are not often the same…in this case “they” were wrong.

If I could rewind life-like a tape (Little Eminem knowledge) …I would have started exploring the world much earlier. The world is HUGE and I have barely seen any of it…yet I’m overwhelmed with new experiences/people/norms each day! I’m thankful to be right where I am. I probably wasn’t ready for a journey like this until now.

People do not show emotion here. I am a walking/talking basket of every emotion. I show emotion. I’ve cried several times. People do not say anything-I think they are unsure of how to react when seeing someone crying.

Sometimes people stare at me. Sometimes I stare at people. I observe more than I DO so that I can see how things are done. I hear the less you talk, the better. But when I cannot understand the language that especially seems true.

Before I came to Japan I was told a few things. . .

People will touch you-and your hair. I have had less human contact in the past three and a half weeks than ever in my life.

People will stare-mostly the children stare at me. At home when I smile a children they smile back…I smile at everybody here and I find it special when people smile back-like we are made of the same cloth.

My newest and most favorite thing is ONOMATOPOEIAS!! In Japan, dogs say wan-wan…cats say nyaa-nyaa and when you are nervous (good like butterflies or bad like moths in your belly) it is doki doki!!!!!!

Japanese culture is work oriented-100X YES. I cannot believe the amount of time that the people here put into their jobs. That’s why I smile at EVERYBODY…because people have such LONG days…I want them to see one reason to smile (even if it is a foreigner that has no idea what she is doing or where she is going).

It makes me sad that people work so much. Fear of missing out is kind of related to the fear of being replaced. Everybody is replaceable (I don’t think so) but in the work place…if somebody leaves, they will be replaced. I hate that people spend their life working so hard that they lose their sparkle. If work makes you happy-GREAT but if you work because as adults we have to…you have to limit it. Work has to be limited because our TIME is limited.

I have not seen/heard much talk of mental health. It’s a pretty down low thing here. In the USA we are behind times with mental health…but as a teacher in the US, I talk to my students about their hearts, feelings, minds and how to keep themselves happy and healthy and what to do if they are not. I tell my students at home that I love them! Those children become apart of me-they change my heart and they need to know that. I don’t think that would be acceptable here (yet).

It takes generations to make big changes-but mental and emotional health is a change I will always be passionate about. Nobody wants/chooses to be effected by mental/emotional issues…Life is just hard. I hope to be a person here that people can be open and comfortable with. Comfortable enough to share emotions that they have never had the chance to identify or put into words. Without people to love and support me, I cannot imagine living a happy and healthy life. The United States is behind in my opinion…however, we rank number 38th out of 177 countries for our suicide rate.YIKES. It has impacted my life in indescribable ways and the loss of these people/children to suicide is the most heart shattering event. Japan ranks 18th on this list. Japan has one of the highest rates for suicide. It is the leading cause of death in people under 30. Most of the lives I touch here will be people under 30…this is why every single interaction with people is important…it could be life altering, for the better. People are special, especially children.

Children are not all given the same opportunities but I hope to help every child I interact with find their own special sparkle. Adults too, because sometimes we lose our happy wandering down the road of life.

I hope that I remind every person I come in contact with that they ARE ENOUGH. Life is hard enough without the pressure. Be kind to people.

My dad comes tomorrow. He helps me find my sparkle. I hope I remind him of his too. Missing my people, as usual but finding myself in the mist of missing you. I can’t wait to show my dad the wooded area, wild cats, the most wild kmart/ross/walmart like store and see how shy he gets when people talk to us and we both have no idea what they are saying. I’m looking forward to the adventures we will have. My dad will probably end up showing me around Japan-even though I’m the one that lives here. Maybe I can let him ride on the back of my bicycle. Hah.

I have about 2 hours until my first typhoon. I was out riding my bike and the wind about blew me off. 🙂 I was laughing as I rode thinking [great here comes fall number 2, good thing my bike insurance started yesterday]!! Most days I am riding along laughing and if not laughing, smiling. I had lost that and it is something I am so happy to have found again.

A few quick learnings/things I want to tell you!!!!

The toilet paper holders here are GENIUS, we are behind the times with toilet paper holders. Pretty much the whole bathroom experience from the “privacy sound” effects to the spray and wash is oddly amazing.

Kids play/laugh/cry and throw fits the same-everywhere in the world (I know, you knew that) but I’ve come to appreciate that.

I have a doorbell/speaker phone really at my apartment, like HAPPY GILMORE…

When you buy something-you bag it yourself at MOST stores. If it is bagged for you, the bag is tapped closed. Prevents theft. Wow.

You buy refills here instead of new plastic containers. (detergents, shampoos…)

You must carry 1+ towels with you when you leave out the door. Every part of your body will sweat and you will shower 1+ times a day. Once a month laundry is no longer a choice for me…it is more like daily (due to a far less amount of clothing here with me and far more amounts of stinky sweat). At home I could probably do laundry once every six months because I have too many clothes that I never wear. Here, I wear multiple outfits a day.

When you use a public bathroom, you can use one of your towels to dry your hands-no paper towels.

Bike parking-2 hours free is one of life’s little gifts.

I saw a building that said CHAMPION and I was so excited. I’ve seen some champion sweatshirts for sale here that I’m sure I still own back home. I rode my bike to this giant [champion] building. It was a place to play Pachinko (casino). Hah. Yet again, I rode away laughing out loud.

Clothing gear that is the freshest- Fila, Champion, Lee. Self explanatory. Oh, also OVERALLS which I don’t think ever went out of style. Obviously, because I never stopped wearing them 🙂

Hope this finds you happy and healthy and SPARKLING bright. Life is hard. Share it with people who make you feel good and it becomes easier. Find the magic in the people you choose.

illie

August 23, 2018