Just be

Tag: yearofthemouse

PNW raised, Japan saved
HAPPY JUNE!!

May 1, 2020 (I’m currently finishing up this blog and it is now June 9th…this blog is events from the past five months.)

Hey you! Stop, collaborate and listen…I’m getting older so if you don’t finish that line-just consider it a generation gap. ICE IS BACK WITH MY BRAND NEW INVENTION.

Happy, healthy, free, beautiful and safe. This has been the words I’ve repeated everyday for at least two months. Sometimes hundreds of times a day. When I began…I knew these words all hold a place deep in my bones and now I feel them.

Find what you need and bring them to your life.

A year ago my dad was here.
Right now Japan isn’t allowing flights inbound.

I’ve been away from home for my longest stent yet with no future plans of returning. I’m starting to clean up and pack for my next adventure.

My next adventure. Wow.

My trip to Thailand was cancelled-because of the virus. School has been cancelled for a month and will be postponed for another month. At home, school has been cancelled for the rest of the year.

The world is in a strange place. I hope you are staying healthy.

For my 30^th birthday I spent the day with a few friends. We ate lunch at my favorite burger shop and had cake. Relaxing way to enter my 30s.
Not too much has happened in the past month. I’ve spent days at a time at home alone. I’ve had limited social interactions which I guess I was already use to, having been in Japan for a year and a half.

It better prepared me for this pandemic. I have limited social interactions and many of the interactions I have daily require a mass amount of energy. On top of the energy it requires to do simple things, much of the message is lost in translation.

That is something I miss. I miss the easiness of relationships. I miss the communication that is understood through verbal and non-verbal communication.
My fears have evolved so much in the past two years. I use to be afraid of anything and everything. My friends, I’d have them WATCH me walk to my car at night. I’d have my mom wait up for me if I was going to come home late. I never slept with my windows open because that is terrifying. Pull up to a stoplight, make sure the doors are locked. Headphones in when walking, no way. I use to hear sounds at night and it would scare me so badly I would stay up ALL NIGHT because sleeping when you are that scared is out of the question.
I’m in a completely different place in life, literally and figuratively. My anxiety and depression are at bay and manageable. I do have days where I do breakdown but I consider that a normal part of life-not linked to my depression and anxiety. My fears have evolved because my anxiety is manageable and I no longer worry about the things that use to hurt me. I’m coming to terms with the fact that it was never other people/things/events that hurt me. It was me, hurting ME. Figuring that out felt like a pounds of pressure off my chest. I can breathe easier.

The only person I can control is myself. I cannot control others. What someone else does is no reflection on me or who I am. Geographically moving doesn’t fix depression/anxiety but it has helped me manage mine. Sometimes all you need is boundaries and the way you acquire them varies. My boundaries and freedom came from moving out of the country. My freedom and safety came from digging deep within. I still have a lot to unpack and to tell you the truth I’m scared to do it. I have memories and years I cannot remember. I know they are in me somewhere and there’s a reason I can’t remember. When I’m ready, I’ll start digging.

6/1/2020

I stopped writing a month ago because thinking about unpacking the past put me into a frenzy. It made me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I’m not in the headspace to do this, yet. So for now-I’ll document the things I have been in the headspace to do!

February:

23rd: Osaka aquarium
24th: pole dancing show

March

7: Got out of the house and went to a singles event to meet new people.

8: Went to a friends house to meet her bunny and prairie dogs! Prairie dogs, as pets!
Started sewing at school because students were no longer coming. Listened to hours of 48 hours podcasts, made bags, pencil cases and blankets.
Went to an old students house to meet her family and have lunch.
MORE sewing
Hair became long enough for pig tails
Trip to Thailand cancelled

Last days at my most recent school and the last day at a school I’ve gone to once a month for the past year and a half. Cried on the way out of both.
April

Mom’s trip to Japan, cancelled

End of March/beginning of April…wrote and sent out about 50-100 happies to friends all over America. They have yet to receive them…
Chipped my front tooth. Again.

Made an address book.
Sakura season
New school

May:
Work from home days because of COVID19.

More sewing
Set some savings goal so I can buy a little Suzuki motorcycle during my next adventure.

Found out that my kid is actually a girl, after naming her, BOY (Otokonoko).
Mother’s Day-love you mom.

Beach days
2 full days sitting with my sadness and letting it out

More beach days

Began packing
Hikes with friends

Last week I began running.

Chipped my front tooth again-dental work
Some weird mystery infection.

Immigrations office

That brings us here, to June. I’m still waiting for a refund for my trip to Thailand. Hoping to squeeze it in at some point.

Hoping mom will be able to come visit sooner rather than later.

School started back up today. Half the students come in the AM and the other half in the PM. That way students are distanced and we can sanitize between groups. Students have 4 classes that are each a half hour. I’ll begin classes tomorrow. I CAN’T WAIT.

I’ve finalized my plans for moving. I’ve hired a moving company and began packing. HappySad.

I’m ready to be back in the classroom full time. I’m anxious, excited and full of hope and energy thinking forward.

As usual, leaving will be hard. It always is.

Getting close to people is hard. I didn’t use to think that. It has always been easy but I have never been the person leaving until now.

Sometimes while I’m riding my bike and I see something like…kids napping while riding on the front or back of a bicycle…I think, what a different life it is here. NO SKUNKS. People rarely get stung by bee’s. I love finding out these silly little things. JOY.

When I moved here everything was new and now its all normal. Bicycles riding everywhere, no pattern to the foot/bike traffic. No garbage cans in public places, the normality of drinking, being completely covered in summer not letting skin show, the cost of fruit and the amount of people on trains. Things that once blew my mind I can go through a day and not notice anymore.

I’m excited for my next journey. For all the newness and freshness. The excitement that comes with new experiences, new relationships and new challenges.
I’ll have a heck of a time leaving Nishinomiya. I appreciate the sadness and difficulty though, because where the pain exists, love exists.

This is the place where I started to become the person I want to be. This is the place that saved a girl who didn’t know she needed saving.

The world is in a sad place right now. Keep being light
Shout out to BLMkansai. We went this weekend to support the movement and it was incredible. I am happy to be apart of something so great. It was well organized and carried out smoothly. Way to go Kansai and the organziers.
Until next time.

illie

Rachel

34.746262 135.349312
June 9, 2020
The beginning of 2020

—-The journey anyone can enjoy reading—

February 2020

I was struggling with the most difficult heart work I’ve yet to experience. In the moments I was crying-it didn’t feel good. It was hard. I was reflecting and acknowledging things that I’d never given the time to. My last post was November 22! Wow, do I have a lot to share with you. November, I went to Tokyo for the first time. I liked it so much more than I imagined. Went to the busiest crossroad in-Shibuya. I was already happy because of the name…SHE BOO YA! You know I love that.

Shinkansen, YES!

Shibuya.

Tokyo-Team Lab

We went to Kamakura, which was an amazing site.

The entire experience was great. It was also shortly after I decided that I’d rather not drink. So-it was early morning starts, feeling like a million bucks. December-I went to Osaka to see my friends wrestle. Second time seeing a hometown friend, in Japan!

I went to Glico company. You know, where they make POCKY!

December 14^th, my family grew bigger by one. If you know me, you have since met, Otokonoko. I went to see the Kobe luminarie with an old student and her sister. I just adore this girl and am so happy that have met her.

Christmas was a pretty typical day. Work. Had a Spokane/Nishinomiya Christmas party-lots of fun.

The next day was extremely special. It was the birthday of three wonderful woman in my life. I went with Yuko, to Nara. I thought that this would be a place I would go with these ladies if they were here. I wanted to go here to dedicate my day to celebrating them. We went to see the deer and visit a famous Temple. While here, I lit a candle for each of these women and said a prayer for their year to come. Love you wonderful ladies, Kristy, Lois and Mama.

New years eve I got to have a traditional Japanese dinner with one of my greatest friends, and her family. Soba! It was delicious. I also made MOCHI!!! This was the coolest experience and it only happens once a year.

New years I got to spend with Ayano and her family. A traditional Japanese new year. We ate Osechi that her family made, went to a shrine and enjoyed the company of each other.

Visited Kyoto with my friend from my last school. A dear woman in my life lost her daughter this day. I went to a shrine and prayed for her and her family. Love you.

Participated in a kimono event! Pamela and I got to wear traditional kimonos and participate in a tea ceremony.

You may have noticed that I have not spent as much time at the dentist. Stopped in for a cleaning. YIPEE. January 30^th, I left for Sapporo, Hokkaido. The first three days were spent in the place of the snow festival. People were busy preparing snow sculptures. They were perfect.

The next 3 days were spent at Rutsusu resort. I went snowboarding for the first time in almost 20 years. Born again, first timer. My body held up far better than I intended. I had more fun than I remember ever having while on a mountain. I think it was because I was by myself. The thought of slowing someone else down never crossed my mind, I expected a fall off the chair lift (never happened?!) and I was planning on just a few runs before calling it good.

I never left the “family” runs. I’m okay with that. I went night skiing one evening which was fantastic. This trip was especially, wonderful, because I got to spend time with my friend that I met/visited for the first-time last year in Okinawa! Special little family that I got to join for a week. That right there is good for the heart. Thanks sister.

Got home the 6^th and headed back to work the 7^th and off to the zoo on the 8^th. Pamela and I got to be models for kimonos on the 9^th. We also participated in an international café, where we talked to people for hours, in English. It was great to see people of all ages, gather with one thing in common-wanting to speak in their second language. The bravery of people never gets old.

I adventured to IKEA! I didn’t know it was so close. It was kind of like a Costco adventure for me, minus the hot dog. Just walk around and enjoy. Valentine’s day in Japan…girls give boys chocolates. My mom sent me a wonderful package. February 15^th, I went to an evening of Traditional Osaka Performances. There were 4 different performances which included, Ozashiki-asobi, Noh play, rakugo and koukyoku. It was in English. I hope to go again. The company was also great, as it tends to be here.

The 16^th I went to USJ! Universal Studios Japan. I’ve only been to Disney land once in my life, when I was 23. It was a one-time only experience. I’m not crazy about waiting for longer than 30 minutes or walking in crowded places. I was thinking USJ would be the same. However, it was raining and with the coronavirus going around, the amount of people was far less than I expected! HAPPY SURPRISE. We didn’t wait longer than 10-15 minutes for anything. My favorite attraction was Harry Potter. Those 4D rides are nuts. It was my first time on one. We loved it so much we did it three times in a row.

You know everything I’ve done here in Japan, the things I wanted to do and the things I did for the experience…everything always turns out to be as wonderful or more than what I expect. Oh my Gosh. I haven’t posted in so long that I have more exciting news to share. I am honored to have had the opportunity to work with such wonderful people in Spokane. I am lucky to have had so many students impact my life and help make me a better person. I was due to depart Japan in July 2020. That is a quick 5 months away. I would have liked to return home. I will stay here though; I am so much healthier here in Japan. With that in mind I started to look for a job here. I am going to be an elementary teacher in Shizuoka. I’ll live in the land of the rising sun, where Mt. Fuji rests. I’ll be sad to leave Nishinomiya but I’m happy to be staying in Japan. Japan has been good for me in so many ways. 心豊かな経験と共に、今年でスポーケンの教職を離れることになりました。静岡県のインターナショナル・スクールの小学部の先生として働きます。『日の昇る国』に留まることにしました。 For all you knuckleheads that haven’t come to visit me yet…you got at minimum, 2 more years to make it happen. No excuses. No time, no money…money is cheap and it fills your pockets…but-life, memories, friendship, experiences, these things are expensive and worth every bit to make it happen…they fill your heart. Resigning from my career was difficult but I know that I’m doing this for all the right reasons. Every reason benefits me. The right thing isn’t usually the easy thing.

MARCH is going to be exciting. When I was ~22 someone asked me my dream. Dream as in something I’d do if I COULD, but probably not attainable. My dream was to take care of an elephant. To have an elephant. Not at a zoo, but just in its natural habitat. My boyfriend at the time laughed at me. It made me so sad that my real-life dream was being laughed at, by someone I cared about so much. I left and walked home, possibly in tears. I’m laughing thinking about it now. That is my dream. 100%. Still. It has always been something I considered unachievable. [Idiot.] The only thing that can hold us back is OURSELVES. For my birthday I decided…I’m going to see ellys in their natural habitat. I’m going to go to Thailand and spend 10 days, with elephants. I still cannot believe that I am doing this. April, MY MOM IS COMING TO VISIT. I am more than excited to welcome her to Japan and to let Japan hear the laughter of the two of us.

My mom and I have a great time together. We have these heart felt laughs that others can feel deep down in their bones. I’m excited that we are going international with our happiness. Time with my mom is time best spent. May and June will be my last full months in Nishinomiya, at my current job as an assistant language teacher. Then, July, this chapter ends, but the Japan adventure (book) continues.

If you let it, time heals most things. If time doesn’t heal it, you will get stronger. The biggest barrier in life is US. Go out and get happy. If you want to be, be. You are loved, worthy, smart, brave, healthy, safe and free. You are enough. Do more and be more and do it now.

Do it scared.

As always. Lots of love. illie

RB レイちゃん

June 2, 2020