I did something BIG this year. I MADE IT TO THE ELLYS! Next blog will be dedicated to that…so, I’ll leave out those goodies until then. (I wrote this blog in 2023~never published it because I couldn’t upload photos and I still can’t-so here it is! Publishing it nearly 2 years later)

May 20th, 2023

I’ll be in Botswana in one month.

I’m dreaming of tracking dinosaurs, in preparation for what my brain understands as the task. (Volunteering in the bush.)

I’ve dreamed of seeing elephants in their natural habitat for years.

To be honest it started by dreaming of seeing them in a zoo…at that time I didn’t know the implications of a zoo…I also didn’t realize that I was capable of doing whatever it is I dream. *We all are, so dream bigger*

So here I am, 15 years after declaring elephants as my dream, elephants as a world treasure-that I am preparing to head into my first volunteer project, tracking animals in Okavango, Botswana and Phinda, South Africa. I’ll never wait this long to pursue a dream, again.

I’ve imagined the stars, my first time spotting something wonderful, the sounds that will arise on outside of my tent. I missed the stars in Morocco but I saw constellations I have never seen!

A year ago, sleeping outside in a tent, alone, was my biggest fear…something that I’ve only done once in my life and I’m headed into two weeks of it 🎉

June 5th, 2023

It’s so weird, growing and going. One day I was tweeting 🐥 John Cena everyday and then one day I just stopped.

I wore a bow 🎀 everyday for nearly 6 years, now I do it occasionally.

I use to see friends 👯‍♀️everyday and now it’s been years.

I love doing things for the first time.

I fear doing things for the last time.

The thought or knowing of doing things for the last time holds me down. It’s suffocating, really.

It’s not about first or last. It’s just about each moment, being in that moment. I know this. Come on, I know this. Still working on this one.

South Africa day 1 Botswana June 19th, 2023

I dropped a tear on each flight here. I did this. I am doing this. 

Day 2: flight to Botswana is in 3 hours. 

People ask if I’m excited and I freeze. Now sitting by myself I must say, I feel like it’s my birthday. Butterflies and nerves flying around. Or this cup o joe is strong. This is what it feels like to be on the brink of a dream. The step before a life changing experience. I know that I’ll never again be the same, stepping into the wholeness of me. I guess that part makes me a little nervous. I’ve got a lot of wonderful relationships in life right now and I know this experience is going to change me for the better-May it also impact them for the better. 

Found out I’m the only volunteer on this research and data collection adventure, in the bush, in a tent.. Boarding the flight my knees were shaking and my heart was pounding. 

June 20th 

I’m terrified and I’m doing it anyways.

In Botswana Riding to camp. 

This ride puts theme parks to shame. Already exceeding all expectations. Pretty sure I saw elephant poop-because what creature could take poops that big. 

Sunset one: the sky is a master piece. 

I saw 4 giraffes 🦒 

I hear unidentified sounds. 

I asked a tracker to move his tent next to mine…They had never had a voluteer who was scared of the dark or camping in the bush…

The moon is my favorite finger nail slice. 

No power 🎉 

10 meters from the men who are to keep me safe. Growing up with boys prepared me for this week, a week with no women. Collecting headlamps, finally useful 😆 

33 years in training for this moment right now. 

Saw the eyes of a creature 15 meters from tent. Unsure what it is but I’m now in bed while wild life lingers around. 

Driving here was like being home. Like I was on the way to see long lost family…

The air feels of fall. It was winter.

The roads feel like the back way. 

The silence is quiet.

June 23rd, 2023

Been thinking about why I enjoy doing things by myself. I think when I’m alone I give myself permission to be 100%, fully and completely, me. 

I hope to take this into the real world. When I experience things alone my emotional response is stronger. I don’t water down my happy or excitement. 

“Don’t keep your shoes outside your tent, a hyena will eat them” SERIOUSLY.

6/26 I slept in the REAL wild. I’m talking no camp site, kitchen, just our tents. 

I heard animals all night. 

I could hear them calling from afar. 

Breathing. Walking. Eating. 

It was my best night of sleep. I had no fear 😢 I did it. 

Today I saw 4 leapords, over 600 buffalo and a lioness hunting, she caught a buffalo calf. Two tears dropped from each of my eyes and I quickly wiped them away. Not because the world is making me cold but because I’m learning new perspectives, my mind and heart are expanding. 

My heart ached for that baby buffalo but my heart also leaped in joy for that lioness who  was bad ass enough to hunt her own meal, alone, because she got left behind.  

I’ve seen a lioness hunt. 

I’ve seen elephants trumpet in fear and throw dust up in the air for fun. 

I’ve seen crocodiles sneak into rivers and the warthogs have jooked me out with their running pattern. 

I’ve tracked leopards and wild dogs and seen hyenas in their den. I’ve slept under the stars with a measly tent as the only barrier between me and the entire Phoenix zoo. 

These animals in Botswana are ordinary. I grew up thinking these animals were just exhibits. 

Instead of seeing animals in zoos I hope to teach (my) children/students to live a life of traveling, gaining new perspectives and learning beyond what they can see at home. 

In the future I don’t want to work to provide for my children. 

I want to live happy so that they can grow up to live happy. 

I’m learning. Learning from people and nature. I have a lot more to learn and it’s an exciting path. 

To making the ordinary always extraordinary. 

Keeping the magic going when doing the same thing for the hundredth time. 

Experiencing a new way of life and appreciating it, whether you adopt that life style or not.

We are all here, together. Let’s celebrate each other and this place we call home. 

A lion 5 meters away, roared and pounced at me. I jumped out of my seat and yelled oh shit. The trackers told me “don’t move, it gives them a chance” Another tracker later told me that you “don’t move because only food runs”.

6/26 5am and I’m preparing to leave Mankwe, Botswana. I’m holding back tears. This place supported me in upgrading myself. It took 4 nights (heart pounding, nearly in tears every time I woke up-hourly at least) to overcome my biggest fear, the dark. I slept 3 nights with no fear. Nothing in the surroundings changed, which means I GREW. I’m proud of doing something here, everyday, that gave me crippling anxiety and fear. From being in the dark, to leaving my tent to pee, to being bed length distance from the mammals of Botswana. Elephants scared me more than I expected.

You know, I’ve been here with these people a week and I’m sad to leave them. I think that’s special. I value connection. Give me a week and I’ll know you as if it’s been years and If you’re interested, you’ll know me the same. These men treated me as their sister and I’m sad to leave them. My first note to start this adventure-on June 20th “Boarding the flight my knees were shaking and my heart was pounding. I’m terrified and I’m doing it anyways.” Heading to the airport now, I have that lump in my throat, my eyes are full of tears, my heart is racing and my knees are shaking because I’m sad to leave.

I came terrified and I’m leaving brave. 

Driving to town, breaks went out. A whole new adventure…

Scared? Yes. Maybe this is one of those things you don’t do scared. 

• Do it scared, if it’s safe. 

Cried leaving Botswana. The place I went that changed my life. A place that changed the trajectory of my path. A door that I opened and walked through. *I did this*. I know I’m strong. Physically and emotionally but this adventure is one where I felt weak and vulnerable which isn’t a bad thing. I had nowhere to turn but within. That weakness brought me to a new level of bravery, a new place to operate from. Leveled up.  everything in Botswana became eye level. Stars, animals, the ground, everything is now leveled. 

South Africa for 1 night. Emerald guesthouse. 

Muthi-magical medicine 

Phinda-collecting elephant poop to research the impact of elephant contraceptive over long periods of time. 

The elephants here seem different. 

June 30th, 2023

Social experiment. Dropped into a house with 5 complete strangers. Wonder if this is how students feel beginning a new school year. I am fascinated with the different experiences each of us brings to the table. In learning about others, I’m learning about myself. 

I miss Botswana. 

I miss sleeping outside by myself. (WHAT!?!??!!! Shocking for me to even think that much less write it.)

Trying to gather back all of my sparkles, may have left some back at Okavango. 

Recalibrating so that I can be fully present and engaged in these moments and experiences. 

People are SO different. Why not focus on what’s the same? 🤔 what brings us together rather than what sets us apart. 

Rhino injury treatment. Darted a rhino that had an injury that started from a tick bite. While treating this injury we also dehorned her so poachers won’t want to kill her for her horn. My first night in the volunteer house the trackers told me that we may assist in rhino dehorning. I thought it was cruel. I did not understand it.I thought, they will take care of their horns naturally…Turns out this is part of Rhino conservation.

Nowhere to be but in the moment. Just what I needed to bring myself fully and completely  to the *now*. 

July 2nd, 2023

Happy July! Fresh out of the Indian Ocean and my head is spinning, heart is buzzin. 

With a group of people I’ve known less than a week and as I look at them playing in the water, I am happy to call them My friends. This is what it’s about ay? Traveling your world-whatever it may be. Your backyard, neighborhood, city, country or the globe. Sometimes my big travel is just to the couch and I don’t mean that lightly. Sometimes getting out of bed is my journey for the day and sometimes it’s hardest if all. Many people say I’m living my best life and I AM, by choice AND our best lives look different. Comparing lives is our demise. It’s the downfall. I hope no matter where you are in the world, you let today be the new best day of your life. Smile at the butterfly, listen to your children laugh, look in the mirror and say I LOVE YOU, let the sun hit your face and warm your heart. We all deserve it. Beaming love.

July 10th, 2023

My brackets have been blown and I reckon my vocabulary has grown. I’m keen on South Africa. 

Ingani-little one

This trip is changing me. 

My next dream to chase down is a motorcycle journey through the Himalayans. Or to the Amazon River. 

If life turned out the way I thought it would…I wouldn’t be transcending beyond what I can see. 

The world around you is happening inside of you.

I extended my two week trip to three weeks and I could have stayed longer. I could have done a summer but the next adventure awaited, a summer at home. Not just a summer…my first summer in 5 years. 

July 11th-August 17th, 2023

This was my longest duration in Spokane since I moved to Japan in 2018. My first summer.

Summer

It was a lot. A lot of love, sunshine, play time, family time, and some sewing of course.

My nieces and nephews are growing up. My friendships remained.

Burgers, BBQs, lake days and jeep drives were highlights. Coffees and face tanning with my mom, parasailing with my dad for his 70th birthday, water balloon fights with the little ones, these are treasures in my heart. 

Leaving home breaks my heart and heals it at the same time. When I think of the deep sadness I feel when I leave home, I think I must be the strongest person in the world to endure such pain. Living abroad is not for the faint of heart, this I know to be true. 

September 7th, 2023

Reading this I know I was experiencing some serious home sickness.

The things we never see

All the thoughts racing through the brain before it even wakes. 

Does it even sleep? 

Working 24 hours a day is taking a toll and the cost is my peace.

The anxiety of having to go to the market, take a taxi or just to leave the house… I didn’t know you may not think of many things like: who, what, where, when, why. 

Not to mention, having to ask for help. 

I miss the ease of grocery stores and the ease of conversation. 

Most of all when I get down, what I miss the most is that radiant being I call myself. 

It doesn’t happen often but when it does it’s hard. 

A curious new day ahead, brain please rest easy and let me go to bed. 

October 4th, 2023

So, if you have made it this far, THANK YOU. That is just a snippet of the past year of living, loving and growing.  I have a wondrous love story that I will share at a later point, it deserves a blog to itself. 

All the love and all the power,

illies